Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Last Gingerbread House on the Left - full transcript

BOB: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Uh-oh. You looking at the kids'
Christmas lists again?

Binders, Lin.

They put them in binders
this year.

I-I think we need to explain
to them what "poor" means.

You're putting too much pressure
on yourself. On both of us.

We're so poor, Lin!
And it's Christmas!

Again! It keeps coming!

It never stops!
‭Okay okay.

(takes a deep breath)
‭Calm down.

It's just, sometimes
this holiday



makes me feel like
I'm a failure.

Hey, hey, hey.
You kiss Santa with that mouth?

Come on. Look,
we'll do all we can,

and it'll be fine.
Besides, you know

what the greatest gift
of all is?

Family.

You say that to the kids
with a straight face.

Yeah, I know.
I was just trying it out.

What about
"Christmas is for closers?"

Um, needs a little work.

Well, we'll figure it out.
And the kids will be okay.

They know it's not all about
Christmas presents. They know.

Christmas presents countdown,

now at: six days,
ten hours, 35 minutes.



Oh, my God.

I'm not gonna make it!

Gene, be strong.
Be my big strong boy.

(door jingles)
You guys, look what I found

on sale at the store?

These light-up
Christmas necklaces!

They were only
a buck 99 for five.

Can you believe
that unbelievable bargain?

I mean, I want to.

Well, I think it's a sign

that this is the year.

The year of Belcher family

Christmas caroling!

Ooh!
‭Oh, no.

Ugh, caroling?

Mom, we've had this talk.

We're just not
those kind of people.

I mean, those people get
their clothes dry-cleaned,

they floss...

You know, honkies.

Well, count this honky

♪ In. ♪

That's the spirit!

Come on, guys!

We'll go out to the suburbs,

to a nice street
with pretty lights,

where people
will give us hot cocoa,

and cider
with real cinnamon in it.

Wait. Hot cocoa?

La Vida Mocha?

I call it naughty mud.

I just call it hot cocoa.

I didn't know we had
cool names for it.

And people will want to join us,

and our group
will get bigger and bigger

until it's hands across America,

singing carols
and saving mankind.

Oh! Amity the albino
polar bear cub!

He's on the news again!
Turn it up, damn it!

OLSEN BENNER:
Amity, the albino polar bear cub

born at the Bog Harbor Zoo
only a few days ago,

is being called
a Christmas bear-icle.

KIDS: Aww.

Amity makes non-albino
polar bear cubs

look like a sick joke!

Ugh! He's so cute
it disgusts me!

Oh! "Christmas bear-icle"!
I just got it.

LINDA: Come on, Bob,
time to go caroling.

(door jingles)
Teddy, lookin' good.

Yup. It's a shame
I can only wear

this sweater four months
out of the year.

(phone rings) Bob's Burgers.

Bob. It's your favorite
landlord, Calvin Fischoeder.

Oh hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

Bob, I need you to deliver
some food to my house.

I'm having a little party,
nothing weird,

so just bring whatever.

Mr. Fischoeder, actually,
I'm about to go

caroling with my family, so...

What? Why? Never mind.

Bob, I don't want
to play the landlord card here,

but actually, I do.

Oh, okay.
How much food do you need?

Oh, I don't know.
Just... just bring...

five or six foods.
Over and out.

So, Mr. Fischoeder wants me
to bring food over to his house.

He's having a party.

Nothing weird, he said,
which is troubling.

Ugh! It's definitely
a human sacrifice party.

Or a sensual grown-up party.

Dad, you need a Venetian mask
and a thong, stat!

Stop it.
‭Aw, Bob.

What about caroling?

Well, we'll just
drop off some burgers,

and then we'll go afterwards.
(coughs)

You're getting sacrificed.
‭Oh!

Bob would be great
at getting sacrificed.

He's got the body for it.

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Okay, I'll be right back.

And they never saw him again.

FELIX: What's the password?

Uh, it's Bob. I'm just here

to drop off some food.

That's not it.
Felix, let me in.

Okay, fine, but if anyone asks,

you totally knew
the password was

"pee-pee, poo-poo,
one, two, three, four."

They're all down in the dungeon.

It's what we call the basement.

Oh, boy.

♪ ♪

Oh, God. Please don't be
something horrible.

Oh, they're gonna cover me
with candy and eat me.

Bob!

Welcome to the Gingerbread
Gentlemen's

Annual Gingerbread House
Competition.

Everyone, meet this year's
guest competitor, Bob.

Hello. ‭Hello. ‭Hello.

I... don't understand.

I'm just here
to drop off the food.

(laughing): Oh, Bob.

You're always doing
that confused

food delivery man business.

(stammers) And I get
why... it's hysterical.

Now, come with me,
and let's, uh,

get you into your tuxedo.
Come, come, come...

Mr. Fischoeder,
what is going on?

Hey.
‭Listen.

How are you at building

gingerbread houses?

Well, actually, not bad.

My mom and I used
to build them together

before she died.
It was kind of our thing...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
okay, okay, okay.

Forget about all that,
because I want you

to enter this contest, and lose.

What? Why?
Because every year,

every damn year, I lose.

You wouldn't think it
by the looks of them,

but those men out there

(stuttering):
those, there are, so...

Well, they are some
creative bastards.

O-Okay. I should
really get going.

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup...
But, oh, hey, uh, okay.

Where is he? All right, while
we're waiting, let's warm up.

Now repeat after me:
Ang-ang-ang-ang-ang.

ALL:
Ang-ang-ang-ang-ang-ang-ang.

(groans) Mr. Fischoeder, I...

can't Felix lose for you?
What? No!

He wishes.
Only the eldest son

in each founding family
is allowed to compete.

Well, then, why would
I be allowed to compete?

Because I'm the host
this year, and the host

is allowed to pick
one guest competitor.

I mean, uh, generally they're...

they're a lot richer
and cleaner than you,

but I-I only had this idea
a couple of hours ago,

so, well, here we are. As far
as those guys are concerned,

you're my wealthy, woolly buddy.
Uh, listen, sorry,

but I'm supposed to go
caroling with my family.

(grumbles) You keep saying that.

It's so strange.

Hey, what if
you don't have to pay

the rent next month?
‭Huh.

Mm-hmm.
‭We could use the money

to get better Christmas
presents for the kids.

That's not what I'd do,
but sure.

Okay. Okay, I-I'll do it.

Fantastic! And...
and you're okay

with being killed when you lose?

What?
‭Oh, I'm just kidding.

Ha. Ha.
‭Ha. Or am I?

(laughs) I am.

Mr. Fischoeder wants you to lose
a gingerbread house contest?

But we need
your beautiful soprano voice.

We need it to do the song

"You Can't Spell
Christmas Without Us."

It's a classic.

I mean, I'm not a soprano,
but if I do this,

we won't have to pay rent
next month.

(quietly): And we can
use that money to buy

you-know-whats
for the you-know-whos.

(quietly):
Who are the you-know-whos?

(whispers): Yeah, who are they?

Hey, Whispering Willies,
I'm going with Dad.

I want to see this gingerbread
competition madness.

Me, too.
‭Yeah, Dad, we could cheer you on.

Like "Dad, Dad, he's our man.

If he can't do it, that's good."

No, kids.
Y-You go with your mom.

Caroling will be... fun, too.

Okay, well, sold me.

I bought it.
Kids, I want you to know

I'm not trying to replace
your father while we're caroling.

But if you so choose,
you may call me Caroling Dad.

Thanks, Teddy.
‭All right.

Well, we'll go caroling
around this neighborhood

and then we'll meet you back here,
Bob. ‭Okay.

Good luck losing, Dad!

You're in your element.

Do I, uh, look all right?

Yeah. I mean, there's nothing
we can do about your face.

And your hair.
‭Hmm.

So, how-how do you want me to lose?
‭Simple.

If your house falls down,
it's disqualified.

So, just build it really tall
and extremely unstable,

like-like,
some of my properties.

What? Well, (clears throat)

Not your place.
(chuckles)

Yeah, you're fine.
Anyway, right before the end,

down goes your house,
the judge declares a winner

and a loser,
which won't be me, and bing.

It's over.
(opens door)

The judge? What-what judge?

Godfrey... the same
guy who's been

judging this thing
since the beginning.

BOB: Wow. He is old.

Is he alive?

That's a good question.
Let's find out.

(yelling): Godfrey!

(shrieks) ‭There he is.

(shrieks)

Now, let's introduce everyone.

This is August Scharffenheimer.

We all call him Auggie.

(German accent):
I do not like it.

And this is downtown
Randolph Brackenbrown.

BOB: Wow, You are

really arching your eyebrow.

Yes, I'm in fierce
competition mode.

Also, it's a medical thing.

I can't always lower it

(straining): when I want to.

And finally,

Samuel Summerbottom.

I like my houses
like I like my women...

sturdy and ginger.

Okay. And Bob,
as you know, I'm Felix,

and I'm not jealous
of you at all.

(laughs) Isn't that nice?

So, Bob, just put your guns on
the gun table, and we can begin.

Oh, I, I didn't bring any guns.

No guns. Okay.
Interesting. Well,

let's get started.
Haven't you forgotten something?

We can't really start
until last year's loser

puts on the loser hat.

(groans)

Calvin has to wear it
every year.

It's an old bed pan.

It's very shameful.
(laughs)

(mocking laughter) BOB: Yikes.

♪ ♪

Wow. Mr. Fischoeder's
neighborhood

really is beautiful.

Yeah.
(whistles)

Whoa, except for
that poor thing.

LINDA: Oh yeah, what's going on
with that? Ugh.

Oh, man, I know that place.

I've heard crazy stories
about the guy that lives there.

Stories not suitable
for children.

Like what, Teddy?
Okay, I'll tell you.

See all those bedsheets

up in the windows?

He puts those up there

to hide his evil deeds.

Bathroom stuff?
‭Murder!

Huh. ‭His parents used
to live there with him.

But where are they now?
‭Florida?

Murdered! A delivery man
went in there once,

never came out.
What happened to him?

They got married?
Murdered!

Aah... They say he buried
them all in the backyard,

and then he just went
right on murdering.

Murder, murder, murder, murder,
murder... hello, sir... murder!

All right, Teddy, you convinced
me, let's go there.

No! What? The murder!
The murder part.

Teddy, stop with your stories.
You're ruining the vibe.

Come on, let's go carol
the crap out of this place!

Yeah! I came here for hot
chocolate, not not chocolate.

FISCHOEDER:
I got to say, gentlemen,

I'm feeling good
about this year.

Tell that to your potty head.

Ha! Classic ginger boom.

Ha, ha, ha. Felix!

I need more frosting.

Coming! Here we go.

Frosting, Calvin?

More like losting.

Ha! Another incredible
ginger boom.

(nervous laughs)

Uh, look at Bob...

that's bad, right?

His whole deal? Ugh!

Uh. Okay. So, what's, uh,

everybody's Christmas plans?

I was going to buy an island
and flip it. Literally.

I'm going to have my cash
washed and waxed.

It really needs it.

I'm going to treat myself
to a new penis.

Okay. So... no one's spending it
with family?

No way. Ha. ‭Nope. ‭No.

Wait, what about
your brother, Felix?

Oh, right. Him.

Oh, uh, look! I have this,
uh, extra plate under my arm.

Maybe I could just,
uh, join you guys...

Felix, no!

All right, here I go.

Oh, I can't wait
for that prize to be mine.

There's a prize?

You didn't know? We chipped in

and made
an obscenely large donation

to the Bog Harbor Zoo to procure

a private Christmas Day
cuddle session

with Amity the albino
polar bear cub.

He's the "it" bear right now.

He's so fuzzy.

Wow. My kids would love that.

Why?
‭Uh, because...

kids love baby animals?

I don't think that's right.
Uh, they, they do.

Why do you guys want
to cuddle a polar bear?

An albino polar bear cub cuddle

is a very prestigious
cuddle, Bob.

I've cuddled a rhino baby,
a tiger baby,

and now I may cuddle
an albino polar bear baby.

That's such a good
order to do it in.

Thank you.
Pay no attention to Bob, everybody.

He's not smart...
ginger boom.

He's also pear-shaped...
ginger boom.

If a pear could be dumb
and bad at things.

Ha, ha. You know what I mean?
(chortles)

A dumb pear.
Pears are the worst.

(singing "Deck the Halls")
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la. ♪

Okay. Thank you.

And we will take
our hot cocoa now.

So, thank you.

Sorry, I don't have any.
BOTH: What?!

Cider?
No.

Cinnamon?
Afraid not.

What about hot cocoa?

Again, no.

Damn it!
Then we don't have

any caroling for you, pal.

Well, I mean,
you already did it.

Oh, did we?
Yeah, we did.

(out of sync): ♪ Fa la la la la
la la la la ♪

Okay, good night, then.

No, no, no, no.
Now you join in.

Oh, uh...

♪ Hark, the angel Harold sings ♪

Grab your coats.
Come on out.

Whoops, the door is closing.

♪ About all
the Christmas things ♪

Okay, bye-bye, then.
Everybody.

♪ Peace on earth
and salsa mild ♪

♪ La la la la ♪ MAN: Uh, great.

Wait. Come with us.
Join our Christmas Crusade!

I just want to shut this on you.

Unh. Aw, sugar plumbs!
(lights sizzle)

Um, where are all
the candy wafers?

Auggie, you're
hogging them aren't you?

You're a hoggie Auggie.

Look who's talking, Mr. Too
Many Jelly Fruit Slices.

Samuel, what are you building
with those mini marshmallows?

Oh, just a mini snowman.

Damn, that's brilliant.

So you're just sticking
peppermints everywhere, then?

Uh, yeah. It's uh,
some ornamental filigree.

Bob, I got to say
your gingerbread scoring

is exquisite.
Oh, uh, thank you.

You just got to
be firm but gentle.

Show us.
Um, okay.

I don't think that's necessary.

Potty head, shush.
Mmm...

Ah, so firm but so gentle.

Uh-huh.
And does your big fat belly

get in the way, Bob?

Uh, no, it-it doesn't.

And what about
your body odor, Bob?

Do you find that distracting?

I mean, it's like
your armpits threw up.

Whoa!
Oh, my.

Uh, okay, easy.

You smell like
a stevedore's shorts.

You smell like failure.

Like stinky failure farts.

Okay, that's it. Calvin,
can I have a word with you

in the other room?
Sure.

Look, I'm doing you
a favor, Mr. Fischoeder.

You can't treat me like this.

What's the matter, Bob,

can't handle my garbage mouth?

You mean trash talk?

Trash talk, garbage mouth,
ginger booms...

It's all the same thing.

And it's part of
the gingerbread game, Bob,

so get used to it.

Well, get used to this!

I'm gonna take you down.

I'm gonna try to win this thing.

My kids would love
that polar bear cuddle.

That would be an amazing
Christmas present!

What? No, no.
We have a deal.

The deal's off, Mr. Fischoeder.

Oh, and do you know who's
going to lose this contest?

You are, potty head!

How's that for garbage mouth?

Pretty good, actually.
Wait, Bob, come back.

Auggie, pass me the gumdrops.

AUGGIE: Okay.
You don't have to shout.

RANDOLPH: Uh-oh, looks lik
someone's re-jigger-breading.

And with so little time left.

Pretty ballsy, Bob.

Well, I had this
sudden inspiration,

and I'm gonna go for it,

since I'm in it to win it.

Ah, that is such
a cool expression.

Think about what
you're doing, Bob.

Oh, I have thought about it.

Well, have you
thought about this?

Ow! Stop pinching my thigh.

Stop putting your thigh
between my fingers.

(grunting) ‭Oh, the thrills

of gingerbread house
competition.

LINDA:
What's wrong with these people?

A bunch of Christmas crumb bums.

Aw, maybe we should
just pack it in.

Go home and drink the kind
of hot cocoa that's wine.

Wait, if we're not gonna
get any cocoa,

the only thing that's
gonna make this worthwhile

is going to that creepy,
dark house.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

I-I got stuff to live for.

I have a pair of pants
on layaway at the mall.

Doesn't anyone want to check out

this crazy killer?
I mean,

bring Christmas spirit
to this poor guy.

You're right.
Okay, let's do it.

But if we get murdered,
don't tell your father.

Fine, go. I'll be
right behind you.

Protecting you,
in the back, where it's safe.

Okay, I'll just ring the bell.

Huh.

Guess he's not home.
‭Hello.

(screaming)

Okay, Bob, you got this.
Ow!

A chance to give your kids
the best Christmas ever.

No pressure. Ow!

Just ignore Mr. Fischoeder. Ow!

Oh, is this not helpful?

Hey, where did all the tiny

candy canes go? Auggie!

What? I needed them
for my tiny candy cane trees.

But how the hell will
my "candy cripples" walk?

Wait, there was one
chocolate Santa left.

I need him.
I need chocolate Santa!

Oh, I may have eaten him.

You son of a bitch!
(alarm chiming)

Aah! Time's up.
Contest over.

Oh, nuts!

Why did we hide
instead of keep running?

I don't know.
I panicked.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
This is how we die.

I knew it. I knew it was
gonna be like this... I'm sorry.

Mom, you're great in a crisis.

There you are.
(all scream)

Wait. Please don't
run away again.

Sorry about the knife.
I was chopping hazelnuts

for a winter salad.

You're carolers, right?
I love carolers.

Love killing them, or...
What?

Nothing.
‭Okay great talk, bye.

No. We are carolers,

and we will sing
for you, right? Right?

Ah, great.

Why don't you come
a little closer

so I can hear you better?

LINDA: Uh, sure...

(all muttering)

A little closer.

(all groaning)

Boy, you guys are some
small-stepping carolers, huh?

Thanks.

Judging, judging...

Auggie, if I don't win,
it's on you.

Oh, is that right, Randolph,

the Big-Nose Crybaby?

What about you,
you Santa snacker?

He was delicious!

You are so lucky all my guns are

on the gun table, and I'm not
concealing any weapons.

So are you, mister.

(all three grunting)

Here we go.
Aah, what's happening?

We're pointing guns
at each other's

gingerbread houses, obviously.

Come on, Bob, keep up.

Where were you even hiding that?

Let's just say I have

a high butt crack.

Well, if everybody's
doing it, whoop!

Ha ha. Aah!

Felix, don't you grab a gun.

We're having a moment here.

You think you're
so great, Calvin,

just because you came out
of Mommy's hootenanny before me!

Everybody just calm down.
I mean, come on,

it's just a stupid
gingerbread house contest.

OTHERS: What?!
Aah! Don't point at me.

Back at the houses.
Back at the houses!

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

LINDA: Okay, good night.
ALL: Bye.

Wait, do you know this one?
LINDA: What?

(singing in falsetto voice):
♪ Adeste Fideles ♪

♪ Laeti triumphantes ♪

♪ Venite, venite ♪

♪ In Bethlehem ♪

Maybe Bob's right.
This is silly.

We should put our guns away.

Yeah. ‭Yeah. ‭Uh-huh.

Or, counterpoint.

MAN (singing): ♪ Natum videte ♪

♪ Regem angelorum ♪

♪ Venite adoremus ♪

♪ Venite adoremus ♪

♪ Venite ♪

♪ Adoremu-uuus ♪

♪ Dominum. ♪

Nice pipes.

Uh, thanks. I'm Oscar.
Care for some hot cocoa?

Uh-huh.
‭Yes, please. ‭Sure.

Well, it finally happened.

We finally shot up

each other's gingerbread houses.

I'm honestly surprised
it took until this year.

(laughs) Well, I just got to say

thanks so much for inviting me
to your competition,

where I was almost a casualty

in a gingerbread massacre!

Calm down.
Yeah, take a chill pill.

Y-You know why I'm even here?

Because
I'm Mr. Fischoeder's tenant,

and he said I wouldn't
have to pay rent next month

if I lost on purpose.
‭He's lying.

Huh, that's actually
a pretty good idea.

Yeah.
Innovative thinking.

Really? Well, then, he's right.

Sick of always being
the loser, huh, Calvin?

Yes, I am.
Every year I try,

and every year, a potty head.

It's a lot of pressure.

Look, I-I understand.

This time of year can be hard.

I'm under a lot
of pressure myself

trying to figure out
how to give my kids

a good Christmas.

Oh, not that again.
Please, Bob,

I'm talking about real pressure.

Oh, my God.

And Bob's house is
the least destroyed.

So I guess, uh, Bob wins.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, in hindsight,

maybe covering all the windows
with bed sheets

wasn't the best idea.

I thought I was just
being frugal and creative.

I guess that kind of stuff does
get the rumor mill grinding.

The rumor mill.

People love to talk, you know.

(chuckles) But they don't
always have the facts.

Huh, Tina? Lookin' at you.
‭What?

Well, Oscar, anyone
with a voice like yours

can't be a murderer.

And even if you are,

you're still okay in my book.

So are you?
I mean, you can tell us.

We're cool.

Uh, no, I'm not.

Damn.
‭You did kill those high notes.

Ooh, Oscar, go caroling with us.

Oh, and we can finally
do the song,

"You Can't Spell
Christmas Without Us."

You can be our soprano.

(gasps): I'd love to.

Great, but no killing us, okay?

(chuckles)

Aah, he's got a chain saw!
No, it's just his mug.

I can't believe I won.
Oh, quit gloating.

Hey, does that mean
the rest of us lost?

Yep, you're all tied
for last place.

Well, there's some good news.

We're all losers.

This is all Bob's fault.

He called
the competition stupid,

and I just went into
a blind rage.

Same here.

What you said was
really hurtful, Bob.

Yeah, they're called
feelings, Bob, look it up.

(sighs): You guys, I don't
really think it's stupid.

I actually think this whole
thing is kind of sweet.

You get together every year,
you build gingerbread houses.

You even donated to a zoo.
It's nice.

I mean,
under that rich-loner exterior,

you're all a bunch of softies
who care about each other.

You're like
a weird little family.

Even me?

Uh, yeah, sure,
even you, Godfrey.

I'm the fun one.

And I mean, it may sound cheesy,

but you know what
the greatest gift of all is?

Family.
‭Oh, barf. Sounds cheesy.

Um, I'm Calvin's actual family.

Just, uh, want
to point that out.

Hey, maybe next year,

we don't even have
to pick a loser, hmm?

That's the best part.
No, we're still doing that.

That stays.

Well, until next year,
gentlemen.

What is that awful racket?
(muffled singing)

♪ Because we can't
spell Christmas ♪

♪ Without us. ♪

RANDOLPH: Should we shoot them?

(laughter, fawning)

No wonder the ice caps
are melting,

this bear is hot.

I changed my mind
about having kids.

I'm gonna have one,
and feed it to this bear,

'cause I love him so much.

He's so cute, but it'd be really
hard to get stains off him.

Ah, best Christmas ever, Bob.

Oh, I want to pet him.
I want to pet him.

Yeah, can we have our turn now?

Thanks again for
letting us come, Bob.

Get ready for the cuddle bug.

You know, Bob,
that family of yours,

they're, uh, they're
lucky to have you.

Thanks, Mr. Fischoeder.

Okay, now you say
something nice about me.

You have pretty... eye?

Sounds like a line, Bob,

but Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Fischoeder.

LINDA: ♪ I can spell
Christmas without a U ♪

♪ But that would break
my heart in two ♪

♪ You can spell Christmas
without me ♪

♪ But that would be a tragedy ♪

♪ We need S and U's
this time of year ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Because we can't
spell Christmas ♪

♪ Without "us." ♪

♪ Because we can't
spell Christmas ♪

♪ Without "us." ♪

MAN: Thank you.