Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - The Quirk-ducers - full transcript
The Belcher kids produce their own version of the annual Thanksgiving play and Linda finds a potato that resembles her late grandfather.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
You guys are into
rosemary, right?
The lady who had the baby?
No, the herb.
I'm looking for recipes
for Thanksgiving next week.
Uh-oh, somebody's getting
excited about Thanksgiving.
Mm, maybe.
He's freaking out.
Look at him.
Yeah, he's pulling
his hair out.
Oh, wait, no.
That was like that.
Hmm. Bald joke.
Yeah.
What you doing, Tina?
You didn't finish
your homework last night?
Oh, this isn't
homework.
I'm working on
some erotic holiday fiction.
Hmm. Oh, like the one you wrote
where St. Patrick
got his groove back?
Oh, y-you read that?
Yeah.
I loved that one.
Wait, you read it, too?
I mean, I heard about it.
When I-I was reading it
out loud.
I overheard some of it.
I heard it, too.
What's this one
about, Tina?
Well, this one's
for Thanksgiving,
and it's called
"The Quirky Turkey."
It's about a turkey
who wears glasses.
Also, she has skinny legs
that she may or may not hide
with knee-high socks.
And she feels left out
because she doesn't look
like all the other turkeys.
Is that... about... you?
(nervous chuckle):
No. No. What?
All right, fine,
it might have been inspired
by a real-life event where
a certain word was
thrown around.
Hi, guys.
(chuckles)
Tina, you're so quirky.
She's right, you are.
You are.
You are.
Oh, my God, you really are.
Oh, my God, she's,
like, so quirky.
Wait, is quirky
a good thing?
(laughs) That's such
a quirky thing to ask.
So, yeah, I'm taking
back the "Q" bomb
and mixing in a fun
holiday message.
Well, that doesn't sound
very erotic.
Which is totally fine.
No, some stuff happens
with a pig. Oh.
Some suggestive situations,
implied nudity.
Oh, okay, I got it.
So how's it end?
The not-quirky turkeys realize
that they aren't there
for dinner, they are dinner.
And they get their heads
chopped off on Thanksgiving.
Aw, that's nice.
So, you excited?
My little turkeys
get a long weekend.
(sighs) I'm looking forward
to Thanksgiving,
but I am not looking forward
to the day before Thanksgiving.
We have to sit through one of
Mr. Frond's stupid plays again.
I'm still bored
from last year's play.
(flatly):
♪ We're thankful for ♪
♪ These foods we're eating ♪
♪ Here's a list of foods
we're eating ♪
♪ A, apples ♪
♪ A, apple pie... ♪
Yeah, Mr. Frond's
plays aren't great,
but isn't going
to a play better
than going to
actual school?
I mean, do you
guys like school?
I've never
asked you that.
That's the thing!
The day before Thanksgiving
is supposed to be a half day.
It's on
the school schedule.
And in most Bibles.
At least in the
Ving Rhames version.
(chuckles)
King James, Gene.
Ving Rhames!
(microphone feedback hums)
Lunch announcements.
First up,
from the Women's Issues club,
we have Peter and Zeke.
What's up, ladies!
Our main issue right now
is that
no girls signed up
for this club.
And Peter and I wrote a song
about it. Hit it!
♪ I don't have a vagina ♪
♪ But I won't stop try'na ♪
Come on, girls!
♪ Help women with their issues ♪
Okay, okay, okay.
Come on, girls,
sign up right now!
Okay, okay,
shutting it down.
Shutting it down.
Holy moly, that's it!
What's it?
That's how we get our half day.
Join the Women's
Issues club?
No. What if the day-before-
Thanksgiving play is
so offensive that
it gets shut down?
We'd all go home early.
Why would it be offensive?
It's never offensive.
It's just bad and boring,
like avocado toast.
But what if we could
convince Mr. Frond
to let us do the play,
and then we make it so
horrible and inappropriate
that he shuts it down?
Boom, half day.
A real half day!
But where are we
gonna find a play
that's inappropriate,
offensive
and Thanksgiving-themed?
What's the most
erotic temperature
you could cook a turkey at?
375.
Thanks.
Oh, my God, Tina,
did you, uh, hear anything
we were just talking about?
No.
Great.
How's your
Thanksgiving play going?
Oh, it's not a play.
It is now.
♪ Peelin' the potatoes,
tryin' not to fart... ♪
Thank you, Linda.
♪ I'll just let out
a little one ♪
♪ It's my
little secret. ♪
Oh, my God.
(gasps) Oh, my gosh!
I know. I have to live with you.
No, look at this potato.
Yeah?
It looks like a face.
Oh, okay.
(gasps)
It looks exactly
like my grandfather.
Like, exactly.
It does?
Yeah, my mother's
father, Burt.
This is his
spitting image, look.
I mean, don't all old men
kind of look like potatoes?
It's even got the bumpy thing
on its face in the same spot.
He used to put a nickel
on the top of it,
and then I'd
snatch it off.
Hmm, great.
All right,
let's make fries.
No! Not with Grandpa.
Right.
That'd be crazy.
You know what? I'm gonna
keep him for a little while.
It'll be good for the kids
to get to know my grandpa.
Potato.
Grandpa Potato!
Yeah, Grandpa Potato.
I wasn't trying to name...
Forget it.
MR. FROND:
So you want to put on
the Thanksgiving play
this year?
What can we say?
I mean, you inspire us,
Mr. Frond.
And I should probably
just continue to do that.
This year,
everyone will be reading
from an 88-stanza epic poem
called "The Pilgrims' Picnic."
Oh, it sounds great,
Mr. Frond.
Everyone likes stanzas.
I mean, they kind of do.
Right? Right?
You seem pretty confident.
After all, it's just
your reputation... no biggie.
Sounds like you don't need
our play,
so see ya later.
Uh...
W-Well, just out of curiosity,
what is your play?
It's called The Quirky Turkey.
It's based on an original
short story by me.
Oh. Is it erotic?
Suggestive situations.
I'm cutting back
on the implied nudity.
Okay, not a good start.
Picture this: an underdog story
about a turkey.
An under-turkey.
Who wears glasses.
It's a metaphor for self-esteem
and community.
Ooh, I like that.
Yeah, we knew
you would.
What about music?
My plays always have music.
Makes the whole thing
more musical.
And that's why
we brought Gene on
as our musical director.
You did?
Oh. Yes, now I remember.
You absolutely did.
Mm, I'm still not
entirely convinced.
That's because you have
high standards,
and we love that.
And that's why we need you
to be our executive producer.
Oh. What does
an executive producer do?
Basically you accept awards
and give interviews.
I-I can do that.
I-I'd be great at that.
Yeah, you just say things like,
"They said it would never work,
but look at us now."
Oh, that's good.
What if I said, "This is a real
passion project for me"?
Perfect.
Nice.
Super cool.
So, uh, Mr. Frond,
what do you say?
Belcher children,
you have my permission
to put on
The Quirky Turkey.
ALL:
Yeah!
Let's get to quirk!
Welcome to the open casting call
for the first ever
student-produced
Thanksgiving play,
The Quirky Turkey!
This is your moment
and your stage.
And also your
lunchtime,
so remember to
eat afterwards...
or during your auditions,
like I will be doing.
We're looking for
the best of the best.
(quietly):
Or the best at being worst.
Mm-hmm.
I can almost do the splits.
Almost. Ow.
Not quite. Ow. Ow!
Love it! Welcome aboard.
Look at this, look at that.
Look at this,
look at this.
Look at that.
Look at this, look at that,
look at this, look at this.
Okay, you got the part.
Thank you!
LOUISE: Yup.
You were really good.
Thank you, I know.
The lights are too bright!
Can you turn them down?
Your future's even brighter,
'cause you're in the show!
I just came in here to see
what everybody was doing.
Now I'm on stage.
What's going on?
You got the part!
That's what's going on.
Do what?
♪ Ave ♪
♪ Maria. ♪
Thank you. We'll let you know.
Next!
Wait, Louise,
what are you doing?
She's really good.
Maybe she could play the lead.
Nah, nah, nah. She's not really
what we're looking for.
Plus, we already know who's
playing the Quirky Turkey.
It's you.
What? Really?
You're perfect, Tina. And you
know every word by heart.
And you've captured
its dead-eyed stare.
But I'm the writer, too.
And I haven't even
finished the second act.
Oh, we won't get that far.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
You're doing great.
Gene, how's the music coming?
Psh. Man. So good.
TEDDY:
Oh, yeah.
Looks just like him.
Same cheekbones.
Same steely look.
You see, Bob?
Teddy sees it, too.
It's spooky.
But also comforting.
I miss Grandpa.
Aw, he never got
to meet the kids.
'Cause he died.
Maybe I should make him
a little blanket.
Oh, and a little cup of Jell-O.
He loved Jell-O.
Hey, you could make him a little
plate of mashed potatoes, too.
What are you talking about?
Uh, it-it was a joke.
Like, you know,
old people and...
mashed potatoes, 'cause
they eat mashed potatoes,
and he's a potato.
It's poor taste, Bob.
Yeah, too soon.
I'm gonna go
into the kitchen.
Teddy, keep an eye on
Grandpa Potato today.
Don't let Bob
fry him up.
I'm not gonna fry up
your grandfather.
You threw away
that piece of toast
that looked like
it said "Wow."
That was a dark day.
LOUISE:
All right, folks!
Just a few days
till curtains up.
Let's give them
a show to remember.
Hey, T. How's my
writer-slash-it-girl doing?
I don't know.
I'm not feeling good
about the second act, but...
All right, fantastic.
I can't wait.
Um, okay.
One more time
from the top, Zeke.
Five, six, seven, eight!
(Jimmy Jr. and Zeke grunting)
I wish... I wish I could be
as graceful as you, J-Ju.
But I can't. Too stiff!
(grunts) Oh, God, I'm
going down! Going down!
How are those harmonies coming,
ladies?
Try this on for size.
♪ Aah. ♪
(same note):
♪ Aah. ♪
No, no.
What?
No.
Jocelyn, that's not a harmony.
What?
It's not?
No!
Do you even know
what a harmony is?
A harmony is when
I sing louder than you.
No!
Oh.
I'm dizzy.
Keep up the good work.
So, how's this?
(plays riff)
Good?
I mean, bad?
Bad-good? Good-bad?
I don't know.
I mean, it's bad.
I mean, all of
it's bad, but is it
"shut down" bad?
Is it "get a half day" bad?
I guess something
just happens when you get
in front of the hot lights.
It makes you want to leave
your blood, sweat, tears
and pee out on the stage.
Oh, Gene. My Genie Gene!
You and your words and
your stupid, stupid face.
I think I know how to guarantee
that we get this play shut down!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
So, Mr. Frond, you're
the executive producer
of the Thanksgiving play,
which premieres tomorrow.
Which I'm in.
As an actor.
And I am, too, also.
Yes.
I am the executive producer.
This was
a real passion project for...
Have you ever met
the people from Bones?
Um, no...
Do you have a limousine?
No. I drive a hatchback.
Gross.
Do...
Do you guys want to talk
about the play?
What play?
Did you have plastic surgery?
Be real.
No.
Do you want
plastic surgery?
No. What? What?
If I were you,
here's where I'd start.
Face. Back.
What?
Front. Breath. (screams)
Okay, we're all set
for tomorrow.
Our sweet, sweet half day
is so close, I can taste it.
It tastes like
victory, and nachos.
So, what's the
plan again?
Ugh, Gene! It all happens
after the first song
when the turkeys get killed.
Backstage, an air compressor
will be attached to hoses,
which will be attached to
bottles full of giblets
and gizzards, which will be
inside the turkey heads.
When I hit this button, the
turkey heads are gonna blow off
and giblets and gizzards
are gonna go everywhere.
Like Carrie meets Gallagher
meets Top Chef
meets Double Dare!
Exactly. All right,
hands in the middle.
"Get Frond to shut down
Tina's horrible play
and get a half day"
on three!
BOTH:
One, two, three...
Get...
Get Frond to shut down...
Louise! Gene! Oh!
Tina! (screams)
H-How long have you been
standing there?
Long enough!
Why is my hand like this?
We don't even do this
in our family.
Do we play sports now, too?
If the sport is lying
and ruining my play,
yeah, I guess you do!
So, I am an athlete!
So, this was
your plan all along?
You're just using me
and my play?
Tina, I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.
Gene, when you said, "Tina,
your play's got the goods,"
and you said "goods"
like it had a "Z" at the end,
that was just a bunch of crap?
I never should have put
that "Z" on the end.
That's my biggest regret
in all of this "mezz."
I came in here to tell
you guys that I finally,
maybe, sort of finished the
big heartfelt musical number
in act two, and now you're
saying that none of that
even matters?
Hey.
Save the drama for the stage,
Tina C. Williams!
Yeah, don't get your pubes
in a tube.
I will get my
pubes in a tube.
We should all get
our pubes in a tube.
'Cause Louise and Gene are
gonna ruin the whole play
by dumping gizzards
and giblets all over the stage
so Mr. Frond will
shut down the play!
(all gasp, murmur)
Okay, okay, just calm down.
There is a completely reasonable
explanation for all of this.
Yeah. You don't care
about the play.
All you care about
is if the play gets shut down
and we get a half day!
ALL:
Oh.
A half day?
I'd be into that.
I'm as angry as you are!
Wait, what?
Yeah, a half day
doesn't sound half bad.
Hell yeah! I wouldn't mind
getting home early, too.
And I want to go to the mall
that day to get leggings.
Yeah, for her legs.
Yes.
Well, Tina, looks like
everyone wants to go
to Shutdown Town except for you.
But we've all
worked so hard.
Have we?
And I've worked hard
getting a whole bunch
of giblets and gizzards.
People don't want to sell
that stuff to a nine-year-old.
Look, it'll all be
worth it tomorrow
when you're sitting
on the couch, back in your PJs
at 11:00 a.m., staring down
a four-day weekend.
So, what do you say?
You ready to tank
this turkey?
Um, I guess.
Yeah. If everyone else
wants to do it.
All right,
so it's settled.
The show must go off!
See everyone tomorrow.
LINDA:
♪ Just doin' something ♪
♪ Over here. ♪
Uh, Lin.
What are you doing?
What? Oh, um, nothing.
Are you putting Grandpa Potato
in your bag
to bring to school?
What? No!
That would be ridiculous.
(chuckles):
It's a potato.
I'm a grown woman. Hello!
He can't even breathe in there.
Okay, fine. You got me.
I-I just wanted him
to see the kids' show.
Lin, don't bring
the potato.
Please. I'm-I'm begging you.
I need to know you're okay.
All right.
He'll just stay here
and he'll never see
the kids perform.
It's fine.
Look alive!
Talent's arriving
for breakfast.
Morning, Grandpa Potato.
Morning, Grandpa Potato.
There they are!
Look at my little stars.
I gave birth to
a theater company.
I love it.
Pancakes, please.
Wait, make that waffles.
Scratch that.
Make it pancake mix
in a waffle maker.
That's what waffles are, Gene.
They're...
that's pancakes in a...
I don't want a conversation.
I want pancakes
in the shape of waffles.
Okay, fine.
Big day.
I can't wait to see your
Thanksgiving play.
Oh, it's gonna be
a real showstopper, Mom.
I bet it is.
Are you excited, Tina?
Um, yeah, totally.
For sure, totally.
Of course she is!
Look at her, she can
barely contain herself.
We're really proud
of you kids.
Pancakes and/or waffles
speak louder than words, Father!
(piano intro plays)
Hello, friends and families.
Before we begin,
I'd like to introduce a man
who made all of this possible.
Give it up for our
executive producer, Mr. Frond!
(piano plays two notes)
Every once in a while...
Great speech, Mr. Frond.
(piano plays scale)
Thank you.
Okay.
And without further ado,
sit back and enjoy
"The Quirky Turkey!"
(applause)
All right, places, people.
How you doing, girl?
Um, not great.
I feel like
my soul has diarrhea.
Use it.
What?
Use it!
Let's go, folks!
It's showtime.
Hit it, Gene.
Half day, here we come.
(keyboard plays drumroll)
(piano plays intro)
(off-key):
♪ We're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're going
to dinner ♪
Look at all of us plump
and popular turkeys.
We're gonna make great
Thanksgiving dinner guests.
Yeah, because
we're conventionally
attractive turkeys.
Not like that
quirky turkey over there.
Hi.
Ew!
Don't talk to us!
Yeah, go away.
We've been invited
to special dinners
as special guests.
Why do you think humans
want to eat with turkeys
this year?
I wouldn't read into it.
Yeah, you're right.
(off-key):
♪ We're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're going
to dinner ♪
♪ We're so glad that we're
not not going to dinner! ♪
Like that quirky turkey, ew.
(quietly): Linda, look
who came after all.
(gasps)
Grandpa Potato!
I felt bad
that I talked you out of it,
so, here.
Aw, Bobby.
(clears throat)
I'm just holding him up
so he could see his grandkids.
Is he blocking you?
Uh, yeah.
Thanks, you're a doll.
It's a potato
that looks
like her grandfather.
I don't know, it doesn't look
like a face to me.
Well, it's dark in
here, so... but it does.
Okay, but I still...
Lin, show him a picture
of your grandfather. Shh, keep it down.
He's trying to watch the show.
♪ Why can't I be like
the other turkeys? ♪
♪ They're all off having fun ♪
♪ Is it 'cause I'm scrawny
and have glasses ♪
♪ And rather smallish buns? ♪
♪ There he is ♪
♪ My crush ♪
♪ The most handsome
pig, what a rush ♪
(keyboard plays drumroll)
Yeah! Ow, ow.
♪ Man, oh, man,
I dig that pig ♪
Hey, turkey.
I'm too quirky;
don't look at me!
Okay.
(panting)
Time for the grand finale.
Air compressor,
this is your big debut.
(quiet electrical hum)
Uh-oh!
I'm starting to suspect
we're not just going to dinner,
I think we are the dinner!
♪ I thought I was a guest ♪
♪ But they just want me
for my breast ♪
♪ Much to my surprise ♪
♪ They're all staring
at my thighs ♪
♪ They all look starving ♪
♪ And ready for the carving ♪
♪ Why don't they eat
a pig instead? ♪
♪ Oh, my God, they're
chopping off my head ♪
(off-key harmony):
♪ Head. ♪
(crowd screaming)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my face!
Oh, wow.
This doesn't feel so good.
Louise?
(chuckles nervously)
This isn't gonna scar anyone
for life, right?
(gagging)
I'm gonna throw up.
I'm doing it!
Oh, God, I'm throwing up!
(retching)
(crowd murmuring)
LOUISE: Okay,
this might've been a mistake.
Shutting this down.
It seemed like
a good idea.
Tina, I'm so sorry. You put
in all this work, and now I...
Louise, we got to
keep doing the show.
Excuse me?
The musical
was missing something.
And now I know what it is.
Believe it or not, this actually
makes it work better.
Look, Mr. Frond is coming
through that door at any second
to shut us down,
which is what
I thought I wanted.
But I was wrong.
I'm sorry, we're not gonna be
able to do the second act.
Louise?
There he is.
You need to stop him.
I'm going out there.
Gene, we're gonna
do the next number.
Uh... we are?
All right,
close that curtain, Louise.
You are in big trouble.
Yup, right, yes,
totally understand.
But just hear me out.
I don't know what that crazy
turkey's doing out there,
but if there's any chance
to save the show, she's it.
I... (sighs)
♪ I used to spend my time ♪
♪ Wishing for a plump behind ♪
♪ But now those birds
with perfect bodies ♪
♪ Are decapitated hotties ♪
♪ I wished I was someone else ♪
♪ But it takes guts
to be yourself ♪
Oh.
♪ Now I've got the guts ♪
♪ I've got the glory ♪
♪ I like my scrawny stuff ♪
♪ And I'm here
to tell my story ♪
♪ I've got the guts ♪
♪ Do you have the guts
to be yourself? ♪
You've got the guts! (grunts)
(chuckles)
And you! (grunts)
And you. (soft grunt)
I got the guts!
That's our Tina!
You've got the guts, and you!
(grunts)
And you and you!
And you and
you and you!
Tina, you son of a bitch.
(crying): I'm so proud
to be part of this.
Oh, God.
She's so quirky.
I'm quirky, too, right?
You wish.
What?!
♪ I'm happy to be who I am ♪
♪ Now I'm gonna see about a pig
before he becomes a ham! ♪
Hey, quirky turkey.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Shut your snout
and kiss me.
(both moaning)
Oh, oh, boy.
Okay, maybe now
we shut it down.
Do you think they'll make us
clean this up?
Yeah, I think they will.
We're not gonna get
that half day, are we?
Nope.
Worth it.
Totally worth it.
♪ We're going to dinner,
we're going to dinner ♪
♪ Look at all these plump
and popular turkeys ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ Great Thanksgiving
dinner guests ♪
♪ Yeah, because
we're conventionally ♪
♪ Attractive turkeys ♪
♪ Not like that
quirky turkey over there ♪
♪ Hi ♪
♪ Ew, don't talk to us ♪
♪ Yeah, go away,
we've been invited ♪
♪ To special dinners
as special guests ♪
♪ We're going to dinner,
we're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're so glad
that we're not not ♪
♪ Going to dinner ♪
♪ Like that quirky turkey, ew ♪
♪ Why can't I be
like the other turkeys? ♪
♪ They're all out having fun ♪
♪ Is it 'cause I'm scrawny
and have glasses ♪
♪ And rather smallish buns? ♪
♪ There he is, my crush ♪
♪ The most handsome pig ♪
♪ What a rush ♪
Yeah!
♪ Man, oh, man, I dig that pig ♪
♪ I thought I was a guest,
but they just want me ♪
♪ For my breast ♪
♪ Much to my surprise ♪
♪ They're all staring
at my thighs ♪
♪ They all look starving ♪
♪ And ready for the carving ♪
♪ Why don't they eat
a pig instead? ♪
♪ Oh, God, they're chopping off
my head ♪
(all scream)
♪ I used to spend my time ♪
♪ Wishing for a plump behind ♪
♪ But now those birds
with perfect bodies ♪
♪ Are decapitated hotties ♪
♪ I wished I was someone else ♪
♪ But it takes guts
to be yourself ♪
♪ Now I've got the guts,
I've got the glory ♪
♪ I like my scrawny... ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
You guys are into
rosemary, right?
The lady who had the baby?
No, the herb.
I'm looking for recipes
for Thanksgiving next week.
Uh-oh, somebody's getting
excited about Thanksgiving.
Mm, maybe.
He's freaking out.
Look at him.
Yeah, he's pulling
his hair out.
Oh, wait, no.
That was like that.
Hmm. Bald joke.
Yeah.
What you doing, Tina?
You didn't finish
your homework last night?
Oh, this isn't
homework.
I'm working on
some erotic holiday fiction.
Hmm. Oh, like the one you wrote
where St. Patrick
got his groove back?
Oh, y-you read that?
Yeah.
I loved that one.
Wait, you read it, too?
I mean, I heard about it.
When I-I was reading it
out loud.
I overheard some of it.
I heard it, too.
What's this one
about, Tina?
Well, this one's
for Thanksgiving,
and it's called
"The Quirky Turkey."
It's about a turkey
who wears glasses.
Also, she has skinny legs
that she may or may not hide
with knee-high socks.
And she feels left out
because she doesn't look
like all the other turkeys.
Is that... about... you?
(nervous chuckle):
No. No. What?
All right, fine,
it might have been inspired
by a real-life event where
a certain word was
thrown around.
Hi, guys.
(chuckles)
Tina, you're so quirky.
She's right, you are.
You are.
You are.
Oh, my God, you really are.
Oh, my God, she's,
like, so quirky.
Wait, is quirky
a good thing?
(laughs) That's such
a quirky thing to ask.
So, yeah, I'm taking
back the "Q" bomb
and mixing in a fun
holiday message.
Well, that doesn't sound
very erotic.
Which is totally fine.
No, some stuff happens
with a pig. Oh.
Some suggestive situations,
implied nudity.
Oh, okay, I got it.
So how's it end?
The not-quirky turkeys realize
that they aren't there
for dinner, they are dinner.
And they get their heads
chopped off on Thanksgiving.
Aw, that's nice.
So, you excited?
My little turkeys
get a long weekend.
(sighs) I'm looking forward
to Thanksgiving,
but I am not looking forward
to the day before Thanksgiving.
We have to sit through one of
Mr. Frond's stupid plays again.
I'm still bored
from last year's play.
(flatly):
♪ We're thankful for ♪
♪ These foods we're eating ♪
♪ Here's a list of foods
we're eating ♪
♪ A, apples ♪
♪ A, apple pie... ♪
Yeah, Mr. Frond's
plays aren't great,
but isn't going
to a play better
than going to
actual school?
I mean, do you
guys like school?
I've never
asked you that.
That's the thing!
The day before Thanksgiving
is supposed to be a half day.
It's on
the school schedule.
And in most Bibles.
At least in the
Ving Rhames version.
(chuckles)
King James, Gene.
Ving Rhames!
(microphone feedback hums)
Lunch announcements.
First up,
from the Women's Issues club,
we have Peter and Zeke.
What's up, ladies!
Our main issue right now
is that
no girls signed up
for this club.
And Peter and I wrote a song
about it. Hit it!
♪ I don't have a vagina ♪
♪ But I won't stop try'na ♪
Come on, girls!
♪ Help women with their issues ♪
Okay, okay, okay.
Come on, girls,
sign up right now!
Okay, okay,
shutting it down.
Shutting it down.
Holy moly, that's it!
What's it?
That's how we get our half day.
Join the Women's
Issues club?
No. What if the day-before-
Thanksgiving play is
so offensive that
it gets shut down?
We'd all go home early.
Why would it be offensive?
It's never offensive.
It's just bad and boring,
like avocado toast.
But what if we could
convince Mr. Frond
to let us do the play,
and then we make it so
horrible and inappropriate
that he shuts it down?
Boom, half day.
A real half day!
But where are we
gonna find a play
that's inappropriate,
offensive
and Thanksgiving-themed?
What's the most
erotic temperature
you could cook a turkey at?
375.
Thanks.
Oh, my God, Tina,
did you, uh, hear anything
we were just talking about?
No.
Great.
How's your
Thanksgiving play going?
Oh, it's not a play.
It is now.
♪ Peelin' the potatoes,
tryin' not to fart... ♪
Thank you, Linda.
♪ I'll just let out
a little one ♪
♪ It's my
little secret. ♪
Oh, my God.
(gasps) Oh, my gosh!
I know. I have to live with you.
No, look at this potato.
Yeah?
It looks like a face.
Oh, okay.
(gasps)
It looks exactly
like my grandfather.
Like, exactly.
It does?
Yeah, my mother's
father, Burt.
This is his
spitting image, look.
I mean, don't all old men
kind of look like potatoes?
It's even got the bumpy thing
on its face in the same spot.
He used to put a nickel
on the top of it,
and then I'd
snatch it off.
Hmm, great.
All right,
let's make fries.
No! Not with Grandpa.
Right.
That'd be crazy.
You know what? I'm gonna
keep him for a little while.
It'll be good for the kids
to get to know my grandpa.
Potato.
Grandpa Potato!
Yeah, Grandpa Potato.
I wasn't trying to name...
Forget it.
MR. FROND:
So you want to put on
the Thanksgiving play
this year?
What can we say?
I mean, you inspire us,
Mr. Frond.
And I should probably
just continue to do that.
This year,
everyone will be reading
from an 88-stanza epic poem
called "The Pilgrims' Picnic."
Oh, it sounds great,
Mr. Frond.
Everyone likes stanzas.
I mean, they kind of do.
Right? Right?
You seem pretty confident.
After all, it's just
your reputation... no biggie.
Sounds like you don't need
our play,
so see ya later.
Uh...
W-Well, just out of curiosity,
what is your play?
It's called The Quirky Turkey.
It's based on an original
short story by me.
Oh. Is it erotic?
Suggestive situations.
I'm cutting back
on the implied nudity.
Okay, not a good start.
Picture this: an underdog story
about a turkey.
An under-turkey.
Who wears glasses.
It's a metaphor for self-esteem
and community.
Ooh, I like that.
Yeah, we knew
you would.
What about music?
My plays always have music.
Makes the whole thing
more musical.
And that's why
we brought Gene on
as our musical director.
You did?
Oh. Yes, now I remember.
You absolutely did.
Mm, I'm still not
entirely convinced.
That's because you have
high standards,
and we love that.
And that's why we need you
to be our executive producer.
Oh. What does
an executive producer do?
Basically you accept awards
and give interviews.
I-I can do that.
I-I'd be great at that.
Yeah, you just say things like,
"They said it would never work,
but look at us now."
Oh, that's good.
What if I said, "This is a real
passion project for me"?
Perfect.
Nice.
Super cool.
So, uh, Mr. Frond,
what do you say?
Belcher children,
you have my permission
to put on
The Quirky Turkey.
ALL:
Yeah!
Let's get to quirk!
Welcome to the open casting call
for the first ever
student-produced
Thanksgiving play,
The Quirky Turkey!
This is your moment
and your stage.
And also your
lunchtime,
so remember to
eat afterwards...
or during your auditions,
like I will be doing.
We're looking for
the best of the best.
(quietly):
Or the best at being worst.
Mm-hmm.
I can almost do the splits.
Almost. Ow.
Not quite. Ow. Ow!
Love it! Welcome aboard.
Look at this, look at that.
Look at this,
look at this.
Look at that.
Look at this, look at that,
look at this, look at this.
Okay, you got the part.
Thank you!
LOUISE: Yup.
You were really good.
Thank you, I know.
The lights are too bright!
Can you turn them down?
Your future's even brighter,
'cause you're in the show!
I just came in here to see
what everybody was doing.
Now I'm on stage.
What's going on?
You got the part!
That's what's going on.
Do what?
♪ Ave ♪
♪ Maria. ♪
Thank you. We'll let you know.
Next!
Wait, Louise,
what are you doing?
She's really good.
Maybe she could play the lead.
Nah, nah, nah. She's not really
what we're looking for.
Plus, we already know who's
playing the Quirky Turkey.
It's you.
What? Really?
You're perfect, Tina. And you
know every word by heart.
And you've captured
its dead-eyed stare.
But I'm the writer, too.
And I haven't even
finished the second act.
Oh, we won't get that far.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
You're doing great.
Gene, how's the music coming?
Psh. Man. So good.
TEDDY:
Oh, yeah.
Looks just like him.
Same cheekbones.
Same steely look.
You see, Bob?
Teddy sees it, too.
It's spooky.
But also comforting.
I miss Grandpa.
Aw, he never got
to meet the kids.
'Cause he died.
Maybe I should make him
a little blanket.
Oh, and a little cup of Jell-O.
He loved Jell-O.
Hey, you could make him a little
plate of mashed potatoes, too.
What are you talking about?
Uh, it-it was a joke.
Like, you know,
old people and...
mashed potatoes, 'cause
they eat mashed potatoes,
and he's a potato.
It's poor taste, Bob.
Yeah, too soon.
I'm gonna go
into the kitchen.
Teddy, keep an eye on
Grandpa Potato today.
Don't let Bob
fry him up.
I'm not gonna fry up
your grandfather.
You threw away
that piece of toast
that looked like
it said "Wow."
That was a dark day.
LOUISE:
All right, folks!
Just a few days
till curtains up.
Let's give them
a show to remember.
Hey, T. How's my
writer-slash-it-girl doing?
I don't know.
I'm not feeling good
about the second act, but...
All right, fantastic.
I can't wait.
Um, okay.
One more time
from the top, Zeke.
Five, six, seven, eight!
(Jimmy Jr. and Zeke grunting)
I wish... I wish I could be
as graceful as you, J-Ju.
But I can't. Too stiff!
(grunts) Oh, God, I'm
going down! Going down!
How are those harmonies coming,
ladies?
Try this on for size.
♪ Aah. ♪
(same note):
♪ Aah. ♪
No, no.
What?
No.
Jocelyn, that's not a harmony.
What?
It's not?
No!
Do you even know
what a harmony is?
A harmony is when
I sing louder than you.
No!
Oh.
I'm dizzy.
Keep up the good work.
So, how's this?
(plays riff)
Good?
I mean, bad?
Bad-good? Good-bad?
I don't know.
I mean, it's bad.
I mean, all of
it's bad, but is it
"shut down" bad?
Is it "get a half day" bad?
I guess something
just happens when you get
in front of the hot lights.
It makes you want to leave
your blood, sweat, tears
and pee out on the stage.
Oh, Gene. My Genie Gene!
You and your words and
your stupid, stupid face.
I think I know how to guarantee
that we get this play shut down!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
So, Mr. Frond, you're
the executive producer
of the Thanksgiving play,
which premieres tomorrow.
Which I'm in.
As an actor.
And I am, too, also.
Yes.
I am the executive producer.
This was
a real passion project for...
Have you ever met
the people from Bones?
Um, no...
Do you have a limousine?
No. I drive a hatchback.
Gross.
Do...
Do you guys want to talk
about the play?
What play?
Did you have plastic surgery?
Be real.
No.
Do you want
plastic surgery?
No. What? What?
If I were you,
here's where I'd start.
Face. Back.
What?
Front. Breath. (screams)
Okay, we're all set
for tomorrow.
Our sweet, sweet half day
is so close, I can taste it.
It tastes like
victory, and nachos.
So, what's the
plan again?
Ugh, Gene! It all happens
after the first song
when the turkeys get killed.
Backstage, an air compressor
will be attached to hoses,
which will be attached to
bottles full of giblets
and gizzards, which will be
inside the turkey heads.
When I hit this button, the
turkey heads are gonna blow off
and giblets and gizzards
are gonna go everywhere.
Like Carrie meets Gallagher
meets Top Chef
meets Double Dare!
Exactly. All right,
hands in the middle.
"Get Frond to shut down
Tina's horrible play
and get a half day"
on three!
BOTH:
One, two, three...
Get...
Get Frond to shut down...
Louise! Gene! Oh!
Tina! (screams)
H-How long have you been
standing there?
Long enough!
Why is my hand like this?
We don't even do this
in our family.
Do we play sports now, too?
If the sport is lying
and ruining my play,
yeah, I guess you do!
So, I am an athlete!
So, this was
your plan all along?
You're just using me
and my play?
Tina, I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.
Gene, when you said, "Tina,
your play's got the goods,"
and you said "goods"
like it had a "Z" at the end,
that was just a bunch of crap?
I never should have put
that "Z" on the end.
That's my biggest regret
in all of this "mezz."
I came in here to tell
you guys that I finally,
maybe, sort of finished the
big heartfelt musical number
in act two, and now you're
saying that none of that
even matters?
Hey.
Save the drama for the stage,
Tina C. Williams!
Yeah, don't get your pubes
in a tube.
I will get my
pubes in a tube.
We should all get
our pubes in a tube.
'Cause Louise and Gene are
gonna ruin the whole play
by dumping gizzards
and giblets all over the stage
so Mr. Frond will
shut down the play!
(all gasp, murmur)
Okay, okay, just calm down.
There is a completely reasonable
explanation for all of this.
Yeah. You don't care
about the play.
All you care about
is if the play gets shut down
and we get a half day!
ALL:
Oh.
A half day?
I'd be into that.
I'm as angry as you are!
Wait, what?
Yeah, a half day
doesn't sound half bad.
Hell yeah! I wouldn't mind
getting home early, too.
And I want to go to the mall
that day to get leggings.
Yeah, for her legs.
Yes.
Well, Tina, looks like
everyone wants to go
to Shutdown Town except for you.
But we've all
worked so hard.
Have we?
And I've worked hard
getting a whole bunch
of giblets and gizzards.
People don't want to sell
that stuff to a nine-year-old.
Look, it'll all be
worth it tomorrow
when you're sitting
on the couch, back in your PJs
at 11:00 a.m., staring down
a four-day weekend.
So, what do you say?
You ready to tank
this turkey?
Um, I guess.
Yeah. If everyone else
wants to do it.
All right,
so it's settled.
The show must go off!
See everyone tomorrow.
LINDA:
♪ Just doin' something ♪
♪ Over here. ♪
Uh, Lin.
What are you doing?
What? Oh, um, nothing.
Are you putting Grandpa Potato
in your bag
to bring to school?
What? No!
That would be ridiculous.
(chuckles):
It's a potato.
I'm a grown woman. Hello!
He can't even breathe in there.
Okay, fine. You got me.
I-I just wanted him
to see the kids' show.
Lin, don't bring
the potato.
Please. I'm-I'm begging you.
I need to know you're okay.
All right.
He'll just stay here
and he'll never see
the kids perform.
It's fine.
Look alive!
Talent's arriving
for breakfast.
Morning, Grandpa Potato.
Morning, Grandpa Potato.
There they are!
Look at my little stars.
I gave birth to
a theater company.
I love it.
Pancakes, please.
Wait, make that waffles.
Scratch that.
Make it pancake mix
in a waffle maker.
That's what waffles are, Gene.
They're...
that's pancakes in a...
I don't want a conversation.
I want pancakes
in the shape of waffles.
Okay, fine.
Big day.
I can't wait to see your
Thanksgiving play.
Oh, it's gonna be
a real showstopper, Mom.
I bet it is.
Are you excited, Tina?
Um, yeah, totally.
For sure, totally.
Of course she is!
Look at her, she can
barely contain herself.
We're really proud
of you kids.
Pancakes and/or waffles
speak louder than words, Father!
(piano intro plays)
Hello, friends and families.
Before we begin,
I'd like to introduce a man
who made all of this possible.
Give it up for our
executive producer, Mr. Frond!
(piano plays two notes)
Every once in a while...
Great speech, Mr. Frond.
(piano plays scale)
Thank you.
Okay.
And without further ado,
sit back and enjoy
"The Quirky Turkey!"
(applause)
All right, places, people.
How you doing, girl?
Um, not great.
I feel like
my soul has diarrhea.
Use it.
What?
Use it!
Let's go, folks!
It's showtime.
Hit it, Gene.
Half day, here we come.
(keyboard plays drumroll)
(piano plays intro)
(off-key):
♪ We're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're going
to dinner ♪
Look at all of us plump
and popular turkeys.
We're gonna make great
Thanksgiving dinner guests.
Yeah, because
we're conventionally
attractive turkeys.
Not like that
quirky turkey over there.
Hi.
Ew!
Don't talk to us!
Yeah, go away.
We've been invited
to special dinners
as special guests.
Why do you think humans
want to eat with turkeys
this year?
I wouldn't read into it.
Yeah, you're right.
(off-key):
♪ We're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're going
to dinner ♪
♪ We're so glad that we're
not not going to dinner! ♪
Like that quirky turkey, ew.
(quietly): Linda, look
who came after all.
(gasps)
Grandpa Potato!
I felt bad
that I talked you out of it,
so, here.
Aw, Bobby.
(clears throat)
I'm just holding him up
so he could see his grandkids.
Is he blocking you?
Uh, yeah.
Thanks, you're a doll.
It's a potato
that looks
like her grandfather.
I don't know, it doesn't look
like a face to me.
Well, it's dark in
here, so... but it does.
Okay, but I still...
Lin, show him a picture
of your grandfather. Shh, keep it down.
He's trying to watch the show.
♪ Why can't I be like
the other turkeys? ♪
♪ They're all off having fun ♪
♪ Is it 'cause I'm scrawny
and have glasses ♪
♪ And rather smallish buns? ♪
♪ There he is ♪
♪ My crush ♪
♪ The most handsome
pig, what a rush ♪
(keyboard plays drumroll)
Yeah! Ow, ow.
♪ Man, oh, man,
I dig that pig ♪
Hey, turkey.
I'm too quirky;
don't look at me!
Okay.
(panting)
Time for the grand finale.
Air compressor,
this is your big debut.
(quiet electrical hum)
Uh-oh!
I'm starting to suspect
we're not just going to dinner,
I think we are the dinner!
♪ I thought I was a guest ♪
♪ But they just want me
for my breast ♪
♪ Much to my surprise ♪
♪ They're all staring
at my thighs ♪
♪ They all look starving ♪
♪ And ready for the carving ♪
♪ Why don't they eat
a pig instead? ♪
♪ Oh, my God, they're
chopping off my head ♪
(off-key harmony):
♪ Head. ♪
(crowd screaming)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my face!
Oh, wow.
This doesn't feel so good.
Louise?
(chuckles nervously)
This isn't gonna scar anyone
for life, right?
(gagging)
I'm gonna throw up.
I'm doing it!
Oh, God, I'm throwing up!
(retching)
(crowd murmuring)
LOUISE: Okay,
this might've been a mistake.
Shutting this down.
It seemed like
a good idea.
Tina, I'm so sorry. You put
in all this work, and now I...
Louise, we got to
keep doing the show.
Excuse me?
The musical
was missing something.
And now I know what it is.
Believe it or not, this actually
makes it work better.
Look, Mr. Frond is coming
through that door at any second
to shut us down,
which is what
I thought I wanted.
But I was wrong.
I'm sorry, we're not gonna be
able to do the second act.
Louise?
There he is.
You need to stop him.
I'm going out there.
Gene, we're gonna
do the next number.
Uh... we are?
All right,
close that curtain, Louise.
You are in big trouble.
Yup, right, yes,
totally understand.
But just hear me out.
I don't know what that crazy
turkey's doing out there,
but if there's any chance
to save the show, she's it.
I... (sighs)
♪ I used to spend my time ♪
♪ Wishing for a plump behind ♪
♪ But now those birds
with perfect bodies ♪
♪ Are decapitated hotties ♪
♪ I wished I was someone else ♪
♪ But it takes guts
to be yourself ♪
Oh.
♪ Now I've got the guts ♪
♪ I've got the glory ♪
♪ I like my scrawny stuff ♪
♪ And I'm here
to tell my story ♪
♪ I've got the guts ♪
♪ Do you have the guts
to be yourself? ♪
You've got the guts! (grunts)
(chuckles)
And you! (grunts)
And you. (soft grunt)
I got the guts!
That's our Tina!
You've got the guts, and you!
(grunts)
And you and you!
And you and
you and you!
Tina, you son of a bitch.
(crying): I'm so proud
to be part of this.
Oh, God.
She's so quirky.
I'm quirky, too, right?
You wish.
What?!
♪ I'm happy to be who I am ♪
♪ Now I'm gonna see about a pig
before he becomes a ham! ♪
Hey, quirky turkey.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Shut your snout
and kiss me.
(both moaning)
Oh, oh, boy.
Okay, maybe now
we shut it down.
Do you think they'll make us
clean this up?
Yeah, I think they will.
We're not gonna get
that half day, are we?
Nope.
Worth it.
Totally worth it.
♪ We're going to dinner,
we're going to dinner ♪
♪ Look at all these plump
and popular turkeys ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ Great Thanksgiving
dinner guests ♪
♪ Yeah, because
we're conventionally ♪
♪ Attractive turkeys ♪
♪ Not like that
quirky turkey over there ♪
♪ Hi ♪
♪ Ew, don't talk to us ♪
♪ Yeah, go away,
we've been invited ♪
♪ To special dinners
as special guests ♪
♪ We're going to dinner,
we're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're so glad
that we're not not ♪
♪ Going to dinner ♪
♪ Like that quirky turkey, ew ♪
♪ Why can't I be
like the other turkeys? ♪
♪ They're all out having fun ♪
♪ Is it 'cause I'm scrawny
and have glasses ♪
♪ And rather smallish buns? ♪
♪ There he is, my crush ♪
♪ The most handsome pig ♪
♪ What a rush ♪
Yeah!
♪ Man, oh, man, I dig that pig ♪
♪ I thought I was a guest,
but they just want me ♪
♪ For my breast ♪
♪ Much to my surprise ♪
♪ They're all staring
at my thighs ♪
♪ They all look starving ♪
♪ And ready for the carving ♪
♪ Why don't they eat
a pig instead? ♪
♪ Oh, God, they're chopping off
my head ♪
(all scream)
♪ I used to spend my time ♪
♪ Wishing for a plump behind ♪
♪ But now those birds
with perfect bodies ♪
♪ Are decapitated hotties ♪
♪ I wished I was someone else ♪
♪ But it takes guts
to be yourself ♪
♪ Now I've got the guts,
I've got the glory ♪
♪ I like my scrawny... ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.