Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - Larger Brother, Where Fart Thou? - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ Going to the accountant,
gonna do our taxes ♪

♪ At the last minute,
we're adults ♪

♪ Responsible adults, yeah! ♪

That's a beautiful song, Linda.
Where's it from?

No, Teddy, we
really are going

to the accountant
to do our taxes.

We probably
shouldn't have waited

until the last possible moment
on the last possible day,

but it is kind of
our tradition.



Aw, that's true!
So special.

I don't know
why you guys need an accountant.

It's fun to do your own taxes.

No. Mm... no.
It's fine.

Our accountant isn't that
expensive, and he's really good.

Or pretty good. He's fine.
Yeah.

We go for an hour, we pretend
to laugh at his jokes.

Ugh, the jokes.

Then we're done
for the year.

Why do you pretend to
laugh at his jokes?

Well, he's in charge
of our money, Teddy.

We have to be nice to him.

I mean, I think
he takes away a dependent

every time we don't laugh.



Well, good luck with that.
I'm going down to the docks.

I'm helping out
with Lobsterfest.

Ugh. Lobsterfest.

What's wrong with Lobsterfest?

There's too much lobster.

Yeah, that's this year's theme:
too much lobster!

All right, well,
have fun.

You, too, going
to the accountant.

Hey, Accountantfest.
Too much taxes!

Yup.

Okay. Bye, Teddy!

Whoa. Eye contact.

Did I just have significant
E.C. with Joe Harrison?

It felt like it.
That's weird.

I barely know him. Hmm.

Look at me again.

Look at me. Look at me. Ugh!

Joe, where do you think
you're going?

You have detention,
young man.

Fine.

Detention, huh?

Ugh! Reading is dumb!

Tina, what is going on?
Your mom.

What?!
Is dumb.

And reading is dumb.

You just earned
yourself detention.

Got it.
Sorry about all that.

Well, I'm sorry, too. Maybe
you don't need detention...

Shove it!
Oh, okay, definitely detention.

Eyes on the prize,
which is Joe's eyes.

I can't believe

Tina got detention.

We needed her
to babysit you two.

Mom, we've been
over this.

Gene and I are
fine by ourselves.

You let us babysit Aunt Gayle
whenever you go out of town,

and she's a handful.

Mm. I don't know.
Bob, what do you think?

I guess. I mean, it is just
an hour, and we'll be close by.

All right, but I'm
setting a lot of rules.

Don't open the door
to anybody.

What if it's a guy with a gun
and he really needs to pee?

No.

And don't use the stove
or knives

or the bathtub or matches.

Well, then how are we gonna
have a hot knife bath?

And if anyone calls for us,

say that we're home,
but we're... pooping.

No, say I'm in the shower,
but I look good for my age.

Guys, guys, we got it.
We'll be fine. I'm in charge.

You don't have anything
to worry about.

Well, technically,
Gene's in charge.

He is?
I am? Yes.

He's your big brother, Louise.

I mean, big brother?

I think of him more
as a large brother.

No offense.
Yes, offense!

It's just, you
don't really do

the traditional
big brother stuff.

You don't call me squirt,
you aren't good at baseball,

and I have to give
you a piggyback ride

when your legs get tired.

Just 'cause
Dad's not strong enough.

Louise, Gene is older
than you though,

so I guess
your mother has a point.

Yeah! I'm large and
in charge. Literally.

Okay.

Don't worry.
I'll keep an eye on him.

Now get out of here,
you crazy kids. Go!

We'll be back
in an hour.

Remember what I told you.
Yup.

Okay, bye bye. Bye.
Yup.

So, forbidden snack time?

As your king, I declare
them unforbidden!

I like how you think.

Moment of truth.

It's just me and Joe.

And all these other kids.

Time to figure out
if lightning strikes twice.

In our eyes.

I have the perfect angle.

Don't sit down there.
No, no, no, no. Damn it!

Okay, okay,
I can maybe still see Joe.

Just a casual lean.

No big deal.

Almost there.

Almost...

I'm okay.

Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-

Ba-Ba-Belchers!

Hey, guys. You pumped
to get these taxes done or what?

- Yup. Love 'em.
- Love taxes.

Cool. 'Tis the season.
That's what I always say.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la tax. ♪

You guys want some water
or anything before we get started?

I'll have my secretary
grab some. Just kidding.

I don't have a secretary.

Oh. It's very funny.

You guys want
a butterscotch cookie?

One of my clients
made them for me.

They look delicioso.

Mmm. Oh, my God,
these are good!

Bob?
Uh, sure, I'll have one.

Ooh, I'll have
one more. Mmm. Good.

All right, let me just
pull out my tax-ophone.

And tune it up.

Okay, let's just
get started, could we?

Okay, let's make sure

we're on the
same page here.

We're making 17 layer dip, correct?
Correct.

But we won't put in a 13th layer
because it's bad luck.

I'm going to visit
the produce drawers

and look for mom's
hidden bacon bits

that she thinks
we don't know about.

Xanadu.

Gene. Come. See.

What is it?

It's softer than

the tops of Dad's legs.

Oh, I know exactly
what it is.

It's a cantaloupe.

Remember when Mom put
it under her shirt

at the grocery
store and pretended

she had another boob, and
then they made her buy it?

That was three years ago!

We got to throw it.
Wh-What?

We got to throw it off the fire
escape into the back alley.

Yes! Wait, maybe no.

This seems like
possibly a bad idea

that could get us
into trouble.

And I guess
I'm in charge, so...

Gene, don't overthink it.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

We've never been
home alone before,

and we've never found
a rotten cantaloupe before.

Are you saying this is
proof there's a God?

I'm not saying it isn't.

Gene, when life hands you
moldy melons,

you make moldy melon-ade.

All right, let's do it.
Let's throw a melon!

That's the spirit!
There you go, large bro!

Joe.

Joe, Joe, Joe.

I've never even thought
about Joe that way before,

but maybe he's been thinking
about me that way all along.

Maybe today, he looked
at himself in the mirror,

and he said, "Today's the day

that you tell Tina
how you feel."

He's probably a mess right now.

I've got to make eye contact
again. I...

I can't see him from
this position though!

All right,
time to turn my desk.

Detention is two hours.

If I move the desk
an inch every five minutes,

I'll be able to see Joe's eyes
in about 90 minutes.

- Here goes.
- Tina.

No moving your desk.

Damn it!

I'll find another way.
Wait for me, Joe.

Okay. I just
want to verify

that this year your retirement
contribution was... zero.

That sounds right.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I have to get that.

I sent Pamela home
early today.

Just...

Remember?

There's nobody there.

I-I remember.

Hello. This is Gerald.

Oh, hey, Tim.

Yeah, I've got
the cookies right here.

Okay.

Under no circumstances
should we eat these cookies?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my... What?

Right, but...

Let's just say
maybe we ate some.

Mm. I-I had two.

Uh, I-I only
had one.

I had three, hello!

Okay, well, uh,
thanks for telling us.

Bye.
Gerald,

what's happening?
What's going on?

Uh, it turns out
the cookies I gave you

have marijuana in them...
a lot of it.

Oh, no.

I-I guess

Tim made two batches of cookies.

These were for his mom.

She apparently ate hers
and didn't get high, so...

Oh, no. No, no,
no, no, no.

We can't get stoned
in the middle of the day.

We're old. We have kids!

Oh, God. This is bad.

Stupid cookies!
They were good though.

Maybe I'll just have one more.
Lin, no.

Gene, we are
about to make history.

And here we...

Uh-oh.
...go!

No...!

Aah!

What the...?!
Ugh, dude.

Oh, my God.
Is that Logan?

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Louise Belcher.

Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide.
Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide.

Oh, you just made my day.

I wanted to work out
some of this hostility

I'm feeling all the time,

which Dr. Swanson says
is totally normal,

but I was like,
how am I gonna do that?

Now I know.

I'm gonna clear my schedule

so that I can make your lives
a living hell!

Uh, I think you forgot about
that thing you have today!

Remember that thing?
You can't miss that thing!

You are dead, Louise Belcher!

Okay, look,
that was an accident.

A hilarious accident
that I wish I had on video.

You don't have to get all
crazy-face mad about it, okay?

Logan, come on.
Let's hit the park.

You guys go.
I'm gonna figure out

how to ruin Louise's life
for a while.

All right, dude.
We believe in you.

Well, we're gonna go inside
and watch TV now.

Fine. I'm just gonna
go around front,

ring the doorbell and
tell your parents what you did.

Well, joke's on you
because they aren't home.

Yeah!

Oh, your parents aren't home?
Interesting.

That expands my options.

Well, our boyfriend is
coming over any minute

and he has a Bowflex!

I don't...
I don't think I'm high.

Me neither.

I feel like I'm peeing.

Am I peeing right now?

Bob, can you check?

So, are-are our taxes,
like, mostly done?

Wow, look at all these numbers.

Oh, boy.

What are they, right?

How do we assign value
to symbols?

I swear I'm peeing.
Bob, can someone see?

Will you please stop?
Stop peeing?

No, stop saying
"I'm peeing."

Am I pretty?

Okay, time to take
bold action.

May I go to the restroom?

Fine.

But no dawdling.

And now for the slight
head turn.

Keep it casual, and...

♪ The briefest of glances ♪

♪ Can start
the biggest romances ♪

♪ Our eyes were doing
the dances and they were ♪

♪ Making advances ♪

♪ When our eyes met,
I was like, hey, now ♪

♪ I bet that Joe
could be the one... ♪

Tina!
What?

What are you doing?
You're just standing there.

Are you gonna
go to the bathroom or not?

Just one second.

♪ Are you the one? ♪

Okay, now I'm going.

Is, uh,
Stalker Texas Ranger

still out there?
It's been almost an hour.

He's there.

I wonder if maybe we should,
you know, apologize,

so he won't be so mad
and he won't kill us?

Gene, relax.
He's down there,

and we're way up here
with the doors locked.

Don't tell me you're
actually scared of him.

No, I'm scared
of something else.

It's just a coincidence that
I'm staring at a really mean

high school kid who's down there
doing karate on a parked car!

All right, all right,
I'll talk to him.

Excuse me.
Oh, good.

Hey, Logan, go home
and take a shower.

You're smellin' of melon!
Oh, God.

I'm never going home
and I am never taking a shower

until I get my revenge.

Oh, man, you're
gonna be sorry, Louise.

I am sorry
that I'm still talking to you.

Louise,
maybe don't...

I was thinking
I'd just give you a noogie

or maybe a swirly,
but I've changed my mind.

Now I'm gonna give you
a Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold!

Oh, man,
did he just say

the Reverse Norwegian
Stink Hold?

You do not want the Reverse
Norwegian Stink Hold.

What?
That's a real thing?

It's the signature move of
the professional wrestler

Norwegian Steven.

Since when do you
watch wrestling?

I have a life, Louise!

Well, what's a whatever whatever
Stink Hold?

It doesn't even sound scary.

Well, it is.

When Norwegian Steven's got
his opponent on the ropes,

he pulls them into
a headlock like this... Ooh.

...and then he pinches
them like this... Whoa.

...until they have to
breathe in his B.O.!

Well, I'm not gonna
worry about that.

He's never getting up here.

I'm gonna jump up there
and grab you!

Put your hand out.

No, thank you.

Uh, he'll tire himself out
soon enough.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la-la-la-la... ♪
I don't like it.

Don't like what?

What? What are you doing?

Linda.

I can hear you guys.

Gerald, look at me.
Mm-mm.

♪ Gerald, I'm your friend ♪

♪ Through thick and through
thin, we'll do it together. ♪

She's so loud.

Linda, maybe don't sing
to Gerald right now.

What? Why? He likes it.
Oh, man.

We better call the kids
and tell them we'll be late.

Everyone act cool while I call.

Hey, Gerald, I can
French braid my own hair.

You want to see?
No.

Yeah, look, hi.
Please, no.

What? They're your friend.

No, y-you're scaring me.

Look. Look at us.

We're gonna go into a French braid.

Aah! Who's calling?

If it's Mom or Dad,
just play it cool.

Right. That's me. Super cool.

Belcher residence.

My father is pooping,
my mom's in the shower,

and she looks great.

Hello, son. Gene, son. Pal.

Oh, hi. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Gene. I'm Dad. It's Dad.

Gene, Gene.
Don't mention the melon.

Everything's great here.
Nothing to mention.

No melons were thrown.

Bob, don't tell him we're high.

Listen, we may be
a little high...

I mean late, getting home.

Uh, the taxes keep going.

Good job.

Okay, great!
Everything here is great.

Thanks for leaving me in charge.
Everything's good. Bye.

He totally knew
I was stoned.

He totally knew
we threw a melon.

Hey, Logan's gone.

See? I told you he'd give up.

We're good.

Ugh, it's probably Dad again.

Let me handle this. Hello.

Hey, Louise.
What do you want, Logan?

I just wanted to tell you
that I'm in your house.

Oh, yeah? I don't see you.

And why would you call me
to tell me that?

'Cause I wanted
to make it menacing,

like in the movies,
with the spooky music.

Well, that's not
menacing at all.

It's relaxing, actually.

Okay, but if I'm not
in your house,

then who's in your kitchen?

Holy crap! Gene, Logan got in
the house somehow.

What?!

Logan is in the house! Run!
Aah!

Ha-ha!

But you were...
I heard you.

Let's just say
you left the window open,

and let's just say
that I'm really good

at throwing shoes
through windows,

and let's just say that I'm also
gonna need that shoe back.

And now I'm gonna
take you to Pitts-burg.

Get it?

I get it. Pretty good.

Thanks.
Run!

Go, Gene! Go!
Casket delivery.

Hey!

Come on! We'll lose
him at Lobsterfest.

But the festivities
don't begin until 5:00

if you're VIP, or 6:00 if you
have a general admission ticket,

and 7:00 if you're only
here to see the B-52s!

Ooh, nice potholders!

Quick, quick, Gene, in there!

♪ Nothing lifts a pal up ♪

♪ Like a scallop ♪

♪ It's not selfish
to love shellfish! ♪

Fantastic!
Let's run it one more time,

and then we'll do
the shrimp number.

Okay, Gene, I have a plan.
Great.

I have diarrhea.

Huh, that's weird.

Am I crazy,
or is that spark we had gone?

♪ Is that spark we had gone? ♪

♪ I was once so sure,
now I fear I was wrong. ♪

Tina?

Tina? Tina!
♪ ...I was wrong. ♪

Hmm?
You're mumbling.

And your pencil is
just an eraser now.

I-I think you're done.

I don't know if I'm done,

but I sure have
a lot to think about.

What?!

Ah.

Doesn't that feel good?

Tape fingers.
Please stop.

Gerald, can I
do it to you?

Yes.

I like it.

There it is.
Look at that.

Linda, I was
wrong about you.

I like you.

I like you, too, Gerald.

Even if your jokes
aren't funny.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Oh. You don't
like my jokes?

What? No!

I mean, yeah.

I mean, kind of.

I mean, no.
Linda.

But you always
laugh at them.

Everyone laughs at them.

Because we like you.
Everyone likes you.

And it's not at all because
you're their accountant

and they're scared
of being audited. Not at all.

I... uh, I actually like them.

I love them.

No, you don't, Bob.
Don't lie.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I always thought if
accounting didn't work out,

I could quit
and do stand-up.

You-you could do bad stand-up.

That's really popular.

This is the worst day
of my life.

I don't even feel like
doing taxes.

No, no, you-you
should do some.

It'll make you
feel better.

Oh, my God!

What is that?!
Did you guys hear that?!

That's the doorbell.
Who's here?

I'll go see. No! No!

Oh, crap.

That's my next client.

He probably wants me
to do his taxes.

We got to hide.

Yes. Absolutely.

Great plan.

We should build a fort
with the cushions.

That way, even if he gets
in, he won't see us.

Okay, but I'm still sad,

so I want my own room
in the fort

to reflect and figure out
where to go from here.

You absolutely deserve that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where are you guys going?
We're about to rehearse.

Uh, there's a shrimp
emergency in the ocean.

Wait a minute. Aren't you two
a little shrimpy to be shrimps?

Don't you
shrimp-shame me!

Okay, you guys need

to take those costumes off
immediately.

Louise!

Run, Gene, run!
No, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't get the tails dirty!

Did we lose him?
I think we lost him.

Great choice
of hiding place, guys.

There's no way out.

Oh, God! I think I
just bisqued my pants!

Well, well, well,
looks like your nose

just RSVP'd yes to my armpit.

No. No way,
Logan. Just...

Just-just let us go!

Oh, I will.

After I've destroyed
your sinuses forever.

Oh, no, no, I...
I, um... Aah!

Just stop trying
to get away, Louise.

Let me give you the Reverse
Norwegian Stink Hold.

It only takes a minute,

but you'll remember it
for the rest of your life!

No. Come on, no.

Are you... are you crying?

No!

Wait!

If you're gonna give anyone the
Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold,

it's gonna be me.

What was that, little fella?

Oh, my God!
I think I just said,

if you are gonna give anyone the
Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold,

it's gonna be me!

Get out of my way.

No! I am very scared right now,
but I'm not moving!

Gene, don't.

Okay, you asked for it.

Whiff it up, little man!
Whiff it up!

Oh. Yeah. Oh.

Hey, Linda.
What?

I think I'm okay
to go home now.

Plus, I mean, at some point,
we just have to go home.

But we can't just
leave Gerald like this.

You got to talk to him.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.
Hey, Bob.

Look, I'm... I-I make burgers,

but I also do
this little chalkboard

with the burgers of the day,
and I think they are...

hilarious,
but they probably aren't.

They're okay.

They're bad, but that's okay,
because they make me laugh.

I do it for me, and you're
a really good accountant, right?

I hope.

I'm pretty good.

So just keep on doing that.

Keep on accountin'.

But also, make your jokes,
because you like them, okay?

But work on 'em. More.

Okay. Wait!

You guys can't leave.
What's gonna happen to me?

You're gonna be fine,
Gerald.

You still have the fort.

Listen, this is
very important.

Later tonight, when
you aren't high anymore,

we need you to finish
and mail our taxes.

Can you describe them
to me, Bob?

Oh, my God.
I'm just kidding.

Hey, she laughed.

She did!
Play us out with the tax-ophone?

Ugh, it's so awkward.

Knowing he's back there,
expecting me to look at him

the way
I've always looked at him.

It's not fair to him
or to me.

I've got to show him
my breakup eyes.

Like this.

Whoa, whoa, easy, Tina girl.

That was way too harsh.
No need to be mean.

I need to use
my let-him-down-easy eyes.

Like this.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay, here it goes.

He took that pretty well.

He's hurting, but he doesn't
want to let it show.

That's Joe.

I'll never forget him.

How was it, Gene?
Was it bad?

It was painful.
Yeah?

And smelly.
Yeah.

But I've been through things

that were more painful
and more smelly.

Just not since my own birth.

Mmm!
Aah!

What's happening?!
Thanks for doing that.

You're a great large brother.

Anytime, shrimp.

Yeah, that was
definitely our kids.

Why are they
dressed as shrimps?

And why are they hugging?
Do they do that?

I didn't know
they did that.

Ooh, hey, look at that.

Wow.
Right?

♪ The briefest of glances
can start the biggest romances ♪

♪ Our eyes were doing the dances
and they were making advances ♪

♪ When our eyes met,
I was like ♪

♪ Hey, now I bet
that Joe could be the one ♪

♪ The briefest of glances can start
the biggest romances ♪

♪ Our eyes were doing the dances
and they were making advances ♪

♪ When our eyes met, I was like ♪
♪ When our eyes met ♪

♪ Hey, now I bet
that Joe could be the one ♪

♪ Are you the one? ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.