Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - They Serve Horses, Don't They? - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

I am sore!

What happened?

I thought I had
a cashew in my pocket,

and I was digging around
in there for like ten minutes!

Kids, can you please
get back to work?

Gene's injured!

Hey...!

What do you want, Jimmy?

Notice anything
different about me?

No, thank you.



Eh? Eh?

I'm tan!

Just got back from a week
in the Bahamas.

We had a blast.

Except for Jimmy Jr.

He forgot to put on sunblock.

Now he looks like
a dog's ding-dong.

Aw.
‭Yeah.

We just have a ton
of money right now.

Don't care.
Please leave.

You know, you really do
everything wrong, Bob.

You spend too much
on ingredients.

You don't charge enough
for your food.

You have zero karaoke.



And he's got a neck
muffin top. ‭Gene.

Take for example
my new meat guy.

Saves me over
a thousand a month.

What?
Really?

Yeah, Jack Conway.

I call him Jack "Saves Me Over
a Thousand a Month" Conway.

Well, listen, I got to go.

Got to show more people my tan.

Hey, look at this!

New spindle thingy,

straws, toilet paper.

Probably should have gotten
that a long time ago.

Wow, our shopping list
is really piling up this month.

Hey, if we want to save money,
why don't we call that meat guy?

What was his name...
Jack something?

We already have a meat guy.

We've been with him for years.
Demitri.

Yeah, but sounds
like this other guy

could help us out a little.

I mean, it is just a phone call.

Yeah, it's just a phone call!

Just a phone call.

It's a phone call!

I'm glad you called.

And now you're here.

And now I'm here.

And I'm sure I can
save you guys some money.

Well, it's just
we only buy the best cuts,

so I don't even
know if you can...

$400.
What?

Based on what
you told me on the phone,

I bet I could
save you $400 a month

without sacrificing quality.

Four... $400?

That's like $500!

Does that sound good to you?

(laughing):
Sounds good to me.

To be honest, it-it
sounds too good.

Bob, I have relationships
with several small cattle farms

in Vermont and Ohio.

I buy from them
at very friendly prices,

and I can pass
those savings on to you.

Hmm, Vermont is nice.

(chuckling): Hey, hey, look,
if you start buying from me,

I could take you
up there some time.

It's beautiful...
the cows love dying there.

Aw, I want to see!

It's just I'm a little
concerned that anyone

who does business
with Jimmy Pesto

is maybe, um, horrible?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

No offense.
Oh, no, God, ugh!

(chuckles)
That guy.

I mean, I understand
what you're saying.

I mean, let's just say this.

He is an idiot.

But he has great taste
in meat distributors.

And pants.
What?

He has nice pants.

I thought you said that.

I-I never said
he has nice pants, Lin.

Oh.
‭Listen.

Why don't you folks just buy

a small box from me today...

a sampler, if you will,
a little amuse-bouche...

and, uh, give it a whirl?

You'll see it's the same great
quality at a lower price.

"Same great quality,
lower price."

Yep, same great "Q"
at a lower "P."

Wow, business talk.

Hmm, this meat is,
um, not great.

Teddy, um, what do you think?

Tastes good... mmm, mmm.

Really? You-you don't think it
tastes... kind of weird?

Mmm, I don't know, Bob.

Eh, maybe make another one.

I could tell better.
Maybe make a few.

No, I don't think
this is gonna work out.

I don't think I'll be
ordering again from this guy.

No harm, no foul.

Hello, Bob!

Hugo, what are you
doing here?

Hi, Ron.
‭Hi, everybody.

Ron!

Oh, sorry.

Truth or dare, Bob?

Ooh, dare!

Yeah, dare Dad to kiss Teddy!

On the lips this time!

(groans)
You were supposed to pick truth.

Your menu clearly states

that you serve USDA
Prime beef... true?

Uh, yes, Hugo, we do
serve USDA Prime beef.

Wrong! We have photographs
of a certain vendor

entering your restaurant
with a box of meat.

Bob, do you know what
the term "meat fraud" means?

Is it when you try to
buy something at a store

but, instead of
money, you use meat?

No. ‭Is it when,
instead of paying your taxes,

you send the government a ham?
No!

Meat fraud is the illegal
misrepresentation

of one protein for another.

I'm pro-teen.
Go teens!

Wait, Hugo, what are you saying?

I'm saying that the "beef"

inside that box
wasn't beef at all.

It was horse!

Horse?!
‭Oh, my God!

(heavy breathing)

Ugh, don't feed
a guy a horse, Bobby!

Calm down, it's okay!

Deep breaths.

(deep inhaling)
‭Deep.

Okay, not like that!
(low gurgling)

No.

(deep gasping)

That's it.
There she is.

I have no other option
but to shut you down.

Hugo, I swear I didn't know.

Well, there is
one other option.

I thought you just said
there was no other option.

You assist Ron and myself
in our undercover

sting investigation of
the meat vendor Jack Conway.

If you want to save
your restaurant,

you're wearing a wire
and you're working for us, Bob!

I believe it's called
"rockin' a wire."

No, it's wearing a wire.

It could be both!

No! ‭He's wearing it,
he's rocking it.

No, you wear... I wear a hat,
but I rock the hat I wear!

So, you were right.

Same great quality,
lower price.

(whispers):
Set up another meat delivery.

Uh, I would, uh,
I would love to buy

another box of your,
uh, prime beef.

(heavy breathing)

Tina, baby, shh.

Your father's
in the middle of a sting.

Great, we'll see you then.

He's on his way.

Okay, the snare is set.

Now we just need to shave you.

What?

Take off your shirt, Bob.
Why?

I need to shave your chest
so I can tape a mic to it.

Ugh, why didn't you just get
Jimmy Pesto to do the sting?

He bought horse meat first.

"Jimmy Pesto"?

He might be gorgeous,
but he's not the sharpest bulb

in the lightbulb store.

You think Jimmy Pesto
is gorgeous?

Hot, handsome... whatever!

Look, do you want us to shut
your restaurant down?

Fine, shave me.
What is that?

It's sweet and sour sauce
from the Lucky Dragon.

Why are you putting
that on me?

For shaving cream.
It's-it's all we had in the van.

(sighs)
Great.

Do health inspectors
even do this?

Isn't this more of
an FDA kind of thing?

Oh, this is definitely
an FDA kind of thing.

We're way out
of our jurisdiction.

So maybe we should
just call them?

(chuckles)
I'll call them.

After I solve
this case myself

and throw it
in their stupid faces!

In other words, you guys have
no idea what you're doing.

Bob, if we had no idea
what we were doing,

would we have
this wireless audio transmitter?

It looks like a kids' toy.

That is a kids' toy.

Technically,
it's ages 12 and up.

All that matters
is that it works.

It has a range of 50 feet!

Now, Ron and I will be
parked across the street,

listening in
and recording onto this!

Toy.
Yeah, toy!

But we're not
playing games, Bob!

We need you to record
two things.

One... Jack claiming his
meat is USDA Prime beef.

And two... Jack accepting
payment for it.

Okay, I got it.

And three... me punching Jack
over and over

- and over and over...
- Okay, Tina, okay.

And over and over...

Listen, when Jack gets here,
this whole thing

is gonna be over pretty quick.

So do you guys think you can
act normal for five minutes?

We'll give you four minutes of
normal and one minute of formal.

Tina, honey, I know you're
upset about the horse meat,

but do you think you'll be
able to keep it cool?

I'm cool.
(grunts)

(clattering)
Okay, you know what?

Kids, you're going upstairs
till this is over.

What?! Dad, nothing exciting
ever happens here.

Come on, please,
we have so little.

This is our Woodstock.

Aw, let them stay, Bobby.

Oh, he's here!
Act normal.

Then formal.
‭Hey, Bob!

♪ Here comes the meat plane ♪

♪ Right to your counter. ♪

I like that song.

What's that from?

Uh, it's my delivery song.

There it is.

The-the meat I ordered.

And here's the money
I'm paying you for it.

(whispers):
Well said, Dad.

All right, we're all set.

Have a great day!

Wait.
‭Yeah?

Uh, we should talk...

we... talk more now.

Uh, sure.

Yeah, so meat?
‭Yes?

Let's talk meat.
I never get to talk meat.

Okay, let's-let's-let's do it.
Let's talk some meat.

Hey, you guys
having a meat talk?

I mean, I bet it's not easy

lugging around
all those boxes, you know?

After all, they're full
of USDA Prime beef, right?

Well, you said it, pal.

Right, I-I said it.

Now you say it.

Say what?
Say-say what I said.

Say what you said about what?

About what's in the boxes.

You-you want me to
say what you said

about what's in the boxes?

Is it hot in here?

I'm just hot.

JACK:
Eh, it's a little hot.

BOB:
Whew.

Oh, my God!

He's worse
than we thought he'd be.

You know, Bob,
I didn't realize this

the first time we met,
you're a little weird, man.

I am?
‭Yeah!

I like it, you know?

I'm a little weird, too.

We're-we're both weirdos.

Here's that water
you ordered.

I didn't order any water.

Tina, what are you doing?

Oh, no.
I'm accidentally spilling

this glass of water
on your shoe.

Whoa!
‭Tina, no!

Jack, I-I-I'm sorry
about that.

Oh, no, no, no, please,
listen, it's fine, it's fine.

Hey, I'd better get going.

Tina, I don't know why
you put water on my foot,

but you made an impression.

And in business,
that's half the battle.

And we're clear.

Nice work, everyone.

Tina, especially.

Whew!

We got nothing!

We're doing another sting!

Bob, you're ordering
more horse meat!

Crap.

Ron, re-shave Bob's chest.

On it.
‭What?!

No, you just shaved it!

Plus, it's getting itchy.

Belcher children,
when Jack comes back,

you're out of the restaurant.

Fine, we'll help out
in the van.

No way... I don't want you
getting your germs

all over
my germ-testing equipment!

Oh, well, then I guess I'll just
put in a little call to the FDA,

and we'll all LOL
about a health inspector

running a sting
investigation.

Okay, fine.

You call them
and have them shut us down,

then we'll call us
and have us shut you down!

Guys, please,
can we just get this over with?

Fine! You kids get
to stay in the van!

Bob, make the call.

Set up the meet for the meat.

♪ Here comes the meat plane
right to your counter ♪

♪ Again. ♪

Jack.

Jack Attack.
Hugh Jackman.

Bob.

Bob... ra Streisand!

Do these goggles
work as a top?

Mm-hmm.
I knew it.

Shush!
The eagle is in the basket.

Go, Dad, sting his ass!

Wait, what's that sound?

I-I can't hear anything!

JACK:
So here it is.

That fine USDA Prime.

Great, let me, uh,
get your check...

Okay.
‭Payment.

Uh, the money.
‭Mm-hmm.

RON:
He's, uh, scratching his chest.

Aah!
We're missing everything!

All right,
well, then, I guess

we got exactly what we needed.
(phone ringing)

Yes, you did.

Bob's Burgers.

RON:
Bob is scratching his chest

and we can't hear anything.

Uh, this is Ron.

Oh!
Oh, God.

Uh, okay.

One to-go order coming right up!

That was a to-go order!

Uh, for a man
named Grif... sten.

So, I'll go get Grifsten's

order ready...
that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, hey, uh, Bobby, I noticed

you're scratching
your chest a lot.

Don't, uh, do that.
‭What?

(whispers):
Stop scratching your chest.

'Cause, uh, you're gonna
scratch your nipples off.

Oh. Right.
(stammering)

The nipple will come off.

Yeah.

Ah, so weird.

Both of you, really.

I-I mean, I
still like it.

Well, I'm off to
deliver more meat.

Good luck with
your nipples, Bob!

Did we get anything at all?
We got something, Dad.

We got crap!
I was really itchy.

Well, you're doing it again!
Well, use less tape,

'cause it's making
me itchy! Fine!

JACK AND LINDA:
♪ Right to your counter ♪

(chuckles) ‭(chuckles) You know,
you guys

like the song the most out
of anyone I sing it to.

Hello again, Jack!
(clatters)

Uh-oh.
(crunch)

Crap.

Are you serious?!

You crushed the microphone?!

We're doing another sting!
Call him! Get him back here!

Hugo, I can't buy
any more meat.

My walk-in is full of horse.
And also the other meat

that I need to buy
to feed my customers.

Sure. Just walk away
from this.

You know who can't walk away?
That horse.

If we don't get this guy,
that horse is gonna be dead soon!

We have to save him!
‭Mmm.

Aw. Sweet, sweet Tina.
(phone rings)

Hello? O-Oh,
hey. Uh-huh.

W-Well, I-I don't know
if that will work.

I-I'll have to
get back to you.

Okay, talk soon.
Wrong number?

Jack Conway just invited us
to his birthday party.

He did?
‭He said we're his best customers.

And his favorite. He said he's
gonna have a Slippy Slide. Ooh.

Well, you better suit up, 'cause
you're going to that party.

Yeah! ‭Yes! When he blows
out his birthday candles,

someone will say, "What did you
wish for, getting taken down?"

And he'll be like, "No."

But it will still be cool.
So let's rehearse that.

It doesn't feel great being
at a guy's house to sting him

on his birthday.
Dad, you gettin' sweet

on this boy?
‭Louise.

I'm sorry, he-he seems
like a nice guy,

aside from being a criminal.

"Yeah, he kind of
seems like a nice guy.

I'm Bob. I'm
nice to Jack."

Get in the game, soldier!
We're doing this!

Yeah, Dad,
we're taking him down!

Now, listen, since you
stepped on the transmitter

with your big fat foot,
you're gonna have to carry this

right in your pocket. You'll
need to get as close as you can

to pick up Jack's voice.
Ron, put it in Bob's pocket.

I can put it in my own pocket.
‭Not bad.

Thank you.
‭Tina, you got to keep your cool.

You cannot blow our cover.

I'm good.
I'm just here to do a job.

Stick to the script, T.
We're counting on you.

We don't need a loose cannon...
we need a team player.

You got that?!
Get off of me!

You're a good cop,
but you're out of control!

You're gonna get us all killed!
(grunting)

Oh, my God.

(children shouting)
Hey, Bob!

Nice of you to gain weight
for the party! Zoom!

Great. Jimmy
Pesto is here.

Hey! Belcher family!
Hey, Jack.

Uh, happy birthday.
‭Hey, uh, kids,

you want to go over and do
some slippin' and slidin'?

Watch out, my son's pretty good.

That's him over there.

Oh, there's Andy and Ollie.

This is how we were born!

I know! I was there, too!

Hey, Tina!

Oh, hey, Jimmy Jr.!

(groans, moaning)

TINA: I'm here to do a job.
I'm here to do a job. Stay focused.

You missed a spot! I'll get it!

(panting) And that's my wife,
uh, Marian over there.

This is them!
Yeah, Bob and Linda!

Hi!
‭Oh, hey, Marian!

Oh! Is she...
(stammering)

I mean, never mind.
‭What? No, is-is she what?

Nothing. Nothing.
I don't even know what...

Nothing. No! Nothing.
No, no, no, no, no, no. What? What?

Is she... is she what?
Is she what? ‭Is she, uh...

a good dri... is
she a good driver?

Is she pregnant?
Is that what you were gonna ask?

No!

We're due in a couple of months.

Oh, congratulations!
(chuckles)

Uh, that's so great.

That you have a
growing family.

I think that's enough, Tina.

Oh, that's just
a base coat. Oh.

TINA: Jimmy Jr.'s eating a hot dog.
That's nice.

Wait. What if Jack put
horse meat in the hot dogs?

Horse dogs!
(grunts)

Ah! ‭Sorry, that one looked
like it had a big hair on it.

Well, great, Tina. Now I have
to go get a new hot dog. No!

Why are you holding onto me?
Um...

I'm going to get a new...
Tina, get off. ‭No!

Um... I-I need...
You need more sunscreen. Tin...

Tina, stop it. I'm going to get
a new hot dog! (grunting) No!

Look at the size
of this glass of wine!

It's like a fishbowl!
I love it here! ‭Great.

Quick snack break and then
it's back to slippin'.

I'm gonna dip a chip
and then hit the slip.

Thanks. Glad
everybody's having fun

while I have a horrible
time doing a horrible thing

to someone who basically
seems like a nice guy.

We're undercover!
It's part of the job!

You think I want to eat
all this guacamole?!

Yeah, it's too bad we're gonna
ruin these people's lives.

Should we not do the thing
and just have nice drinks?

And slippity slide every day?

Shush, shush. Here comes Tina.
Stop having fun.

Hey, sweetie.
How you doing?

Hey. What are you guys talking
about?

Uh... ‭Uh, don't remember.
‭Middle East.

JIMMY: Hey, hey!
So, you invited Jimmy Pesto, huh?

Yeah, actually, he heard
‭about it and he invited himself.

He got here yesterday.
So, Jack,

uh, are-are
you selling Jimmy

the same meat
that you're selling me? ‭What?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Jimmy
buys the super cheap stuff.

Right. Right.

A-And-and you sell me the...

The good cheap stuff.
(chuckles)

(chuckles)
Right. Yeah.

Um, which is...

Which is...

good?
(chuckles) You-you had a phrase for it, Jack.

Um, I'm totally blanking
on the phrase. ‭I did?

What-what was the way
you described what you sell me?

Oh, you mean USDA Prime?

Yep, yep.
That's it.

I-I can't believe

I forgot those words.

But if you were to put it as a
statement instead of a question?

If... and hold on,
before you say anything...

what would you sound like?

Um...

You, Jack, sell me, Bob...

But wait for one second
before you do it.

And now do it.

USDA...

Prime... beef.

Right!
(chuckles)

Brain fart...
you just said that.

And I...
so that clears that up.

Hey, uh, what are you
doing up there, Bob?

Oh, I'm just, uh...
just enjoying the view.

I mean, you can really see
the whole party from here.

And, um, I just want
to see where my kids are.

So there they are.

Yeah, look at them.

They don't play much.

You like ska, Bob?

Um... the music?

Yeah, do you like ska?

Um, I forget if I do.

Do-do I have to?

Why don't you come inside?

I want to play you some
ska that will turn you

into an "a-ska-cionado."

(ska playing loudly)
Wow, that's really loud.

Oh, sorry.
Uh, is that too much?

I can't really hear you.

(whispers):
I know.

Know what?
Why-why are you whispering?

I know... about the sting.

Oh, crap.

Did you just kiss my ear?

That was an accident.

How could you do
this to me, Bob?

You're wearing a wire?

I thought we were friends.

You lied to me.

Look, I didn't want
to lie to you... wait.

You lied to me.

You sold me horse.

Don't make this about that.

So, somebody's listening
to us right now?

Who am I talking to?
Am I talking to the Feds?

No, I...
I was wearing a wire.

Now I just have
this tape recorder.

So... nobody is
listening to us?

Nobody's heard me say
anything to you today?

No. I'm realizing now
that I probably

shouldn't have told you that.
‭Right.

Hey, separately, can I take

a look at
that thing for a second?

Um, no.

Well played.

I've got nervous tummy, Ron.

I've got a bad feeling.

I'm sure it's going okay.

I brought a book on tape.

Want to listen to that?

No, Ron!

It's read by Alan Alda.

Fine!
Put it on!

Listen, if this
is about the money,

I can pay you back!

Huh? How does that sound?
It's not about the money.

Is it about the meat?
Is that what it's about?

'Cause I can
replace the horse meat

in your fridge
with real beef, okay?

I just have to
find a distributor

that sells beef, that's...

Jack, I'm giving this tape
to the health inspector.

Okay, Bob.

You got to do what you got
to do, and I, I respect that.

What is that over there?

Is that an active volcano?
Huh?

Give it to me!

(both grunting)

Give me it!
‭Got it!

Lin!

Kids, we're going!

We are minutes away from cake!

Okay, I don't think there's
any hair on this one,

so I'm just gonna
eat it, okay?

(grunts)
‭Damn it, Tina!

I got to go!
See you at school!

Thanks for having us!

Bob,

you forgot to hug
the host good-bye.

(both grunting)

BOB (grunting):
Uh... uh...

That crazy son of a bitch.

He's gonna slide.

Coming through!
Coming through!

Slide, you old bastard!

The grass is wet!
He's still sliding!

(Bob shouting)

Is that Bob's head?

Hugo, Ron, I'm stuck!

That was an amazing slide, Bob!

But now I'm gonna need
that tape recorder.

Hugo, catch!
No, don't!

(distorted):
I'm not good

at catching things!

(muttering)

I've never been good at it!

Ha-ha!
Yes!

It's broken!

Hey, look.
The tape's okay.

Aw, damn it.

Happy birthday, punk.

Looks like Jimmy Pesto's
still mad at me

for bringing
his meat prices back up.

(making fart sounds)

So, uh, Bob,
think I could get one of those,

uh, burgers from you?

Sure, coming right up, Teddy.

Know what I'm saying, Bob...

a... (hums) burger?

No, what are you talking about?

One of those special...
(hums) burgers?

You know?

(hums)
Looks like a duck.

Quacks like a duck.

(neighs)
‭Oh, my God.

Teddy, we don't
sell horse anymore.

Oh, come on!

I can't stop thinking about it!

I loved it!

Hey, Belchers.

♪ Here comes Jack ♪

♪ Walking
through your doorway. ♪

Jack!
(laughing): Hi!

What a surprise!

Uh, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be in, like,
meat jail or something?

No, I'll probably be able
to stay out of jail,

but, uh, there are a lot
of fines and legal fees.

I'm still slippy sliding,
though.

And for those two seconds,
I forget everything.

They can't take that
away from me, can they?

I mean, they can.

And they said
they were going to.

Well, what do you want now?

Are you gonna sell us napkins
that are really trees?!

Easy, girl, easy.

No one's killing trees.

No, no, I-I, I just

came by to apologize.

Oh. ‭I also wanted
to say thank you.

Really?
‭Yeah.

I'm done selling horse meat.

I mean, obviously, you know.

I mean I got caught. Ha ha.

I mean, I Like, done done?
(chuckl mean, just...

Absolutely done.

Just putting that in your
rearview mirror, huh?

It's in the past.

Not-not doing it at all?

Not doing it at all.
‭Okay.

But I think
I know what I want to do

with my life from now on.

What, what do you want to do?

I started writing a book

about my experiences.

I'm calling it
Friday Night Meats.

Wha...? I-I don't really
get the reference.

Uh, it's a movie
and a TV show.

You've never heard of it?

Yeah, I have heard of it.

He's not really
a football fan.

No, I like football.

I just don't know
why you would

call it Friday Night
Meats, that's...

I get it.
‭"Chapter one...

"It was a Friday night,
and I was selling meats.

"Horse meats.

It was Friday Night Meats."

LINDA: That's good.
BOB: Oh, my God.

(ska playing) JACK:
♪ Here comes the meat plane ♪

♪ Right to your counter ♪

FEMALE CHORUS:
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Here comes the meat plane ♪

♪ Right to your counter ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Again ♪

BOB: Jack.
Jack Attack. Hugh Jackman.

JACK (chuckles): You know,
you guys like the song the most

out of anyone I sing it to.

♪ Here comes Jack
walking through your doorway ♪

LINDA:
Jack!

(laughing):
Hi! What a surprise!

♪ Here comes Jack right
through your doorway, yeah. ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.