Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Teen-a-Witch - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Four days till Halloween.

So five days till I'm feeling
dandy and pooping candy.

I don't know what
my costume's gonna be,

but I do know it'll be last
minute and Mom will make it.

I think I have a pretty
great idea for a costume.

(singsongy):
Maybe even great enough

to win the costume contest.

Oh, yeah, the costume contest.

I'm disqualified
because of last year.

And next we have Louise
Belcher dressed as,



ah, Phillip Frond.

(imitating Mr. Frond):
I'm a guidance counselor.

Council, council, council, council.
‭No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Safe to cross.

I don't do
costume contests.

The only contests
I do start with

either "Miss"
or "Pie Eating."

I'm gonna be a hot mess.

I'm gonna dress really messy

and then decorate myself
in flames.

Ooh, Tina,
that's a good idea.

Yeah. Wait, you're
gonna be a hot mess?

Because I'm actually
gonna be a hot mess.

Wait, I thought we were
gonna be sexy Judge Judys?



No, Jocelyn,
I'm gonna be a hot mess.

Tammy, are you saying
that because you just

heard me say it
and like the idea?

No, I like the idea
because it's mine now.

I mean, it was always mine.
Always. I always had it.

She's got you there, T.

Back on the sidewalk.

Wait, Tammy!
‭See ya later!

I'm gonna sign up for the
costume contest right now.

My hot mess idea
is totally gonna win.

It's my idea!

I need to cross the street.

Not safe.

Jackie, please, let me cross!

Tammy's stealing
my costume idea!

Not safe.

But there are
no cars coming, look!

Now I'm not
letting you cross

because you're
getting on my nerves.

(groans)

Thanks a lot, Jackie.
Thank you.

I can see two things
coming from a mile away:

cars and sarcasm.

Crossing guard burn.

All right, guys.

Here it is.
‭Wow.

Ooh, I love it!
My little Bobbleangelo.

It's a perfect burger.

Yeah. I used a stencil.

Oh. ‭Okay.
Slightly less impressed.

It's clever though, right?
We're a burger restaurant.

It's advertising.

I wouldn't
say "clever."

I'm gonna go put this outside.
‭Outside?

Why don't you put it
on the counter for decoration?

No, jack-o'-lanterns go outside.

That's what people do
with jack-o'-lanterns.

But what if some kid smashes it
or eggs it or something?

I'll bring it in tonight,
when we close up.

When I was a kid, squirrels used
to eat our jack-o'-lanterns. Aw.

And then one year my dad sat
in the bushes with a BB gun

and he waited
for the squirrels to come.

Oh. ‭Huh.
‭Eh. Well, it wasn't BBs that got 'em.

He also poisoned
the pumpkins.

That was, uh,
not my favorite Halloween.

(Tina groaning)

I can't believe
Tammy stole my costume.

I can't believe
that you can't believe it.

I really wanted
to win this year.

(sighs) I've come so close
so many times.

I can taste it.

FROND:
And the winner is...

Katie Waxman!

Aw.

And the winner is...

Nicholas Mendoza!

(sighs)

And the winner is...

Tina Belch...
‭(gasps)

Oh, wait, sorry.
Trina Belson!

(groans)

(sighs)
Now what am I gonna be?

You could go as a
sore loser again.

You're great at
that costume.

Okay, you guys, what about...
what about, what about...

what about a sand-witch?

I've got fish sticks,
but I'm open to the possibility.

No, no, I mean a sand-witch...
two pieces of bread

with a witch in the middle.
Eh. ‭Eh.

I'm gonna go to the library
to research witches and bread.

Oh, sure, yeah, just check out
that book Witches and Bread.

And then check out
Vampires and Cake.

It's a classic.

TINA:
Hi, Mr. Ambrose.

I'm looking for books on witches.
‭Witches?

Yeah. I need to find
some good pictures.

I'm gonna be a sand-witch
for Halloween. Get it?

Yeah. I get it, yeah.

I mean, I know witches
wear pointy hats

and fly on broomsticks,
but it'd be helpful

to have a reference
picture to work off of.

I really want to win
the costume contest.

Witches don't wear pointy hats
and fly on broomsticks.

They look like everyone else.

They do? Yeah,
you're describing a stereotype.

Don't be a witchist.

I-I'm not! I didn't know.

I-I mean...
What-what do you mean?

Witches are powerful
and alluring.

Wow. I like
powerful and alluring.

How do you know so much
about witches, Mr. Ambrose?

Duh! I work in a library!

Oh. Right.
‭(whispering): And I am one!

What?
‭I am one!

Shh!
‭Really?

Don't look so surprised.

Listen, do you really want
to win this contest?

Yes.
Then be a witch.

I think I made it pretty clear
I'm going to be a witch.

No, I mean be a witch.

Then you can cast a spell
to win the contest.

There's such a thing as a spell
to win a costume contest?

Of course there is.
You think people just win

the Nobel Peace Prize?

I mean, I thought
they did.

Wake up, Tina!
Witches are everywhere.

Oh.
‭Here. You can try a spell.

It might work,
it might not.

Not everyone
is able to do it.

Huh. Okay, well,
I guess I'll give it a try.

But, Tina, beware.

Casting spells
can be really dangerous.

Oh, wait, should I not...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
you totally should.

But I'm just saying...
(whispers): beware!

Okay. Um, do I go now?

Yeah, you go.

TINA:
My first spell.

Here I go into the dark arts.

"First, carve the word 'contest'
into a candle."

Okay, did that.

"Then light the candle
and say the following words:

"'I make this true
by closing my eyes

and see myself winning
first prize.'"

Tina!
‭Aah!

We thought of another
costume idea for you.

Cheer-bacca. It's Chewbacca
in a cheerleading uniform.

What's, uh,
happening in here?

You trying to cover up
your room funk?

(sniffs) Whew,
'cause it's not working.

Wait, is that
a spell book?

Mr. Ambrose gave me this book.
He's a witch.

Seriously?
Ambrose? Huh.

Well, he does ride
to school on a bike

with a little dog
in the front basket.

Yeah. So, I'm kinda

learning how to be a witch, too.
‭What?! ‭What?!

And I just cast a spell
to win the costume contest.

What a fun way to cheat
at a costume contest.

Well, after Tammy stole my idea,
which was unfair,

I decided it was okay
to be unfair.

I could use a spell.
Anything in there to get me

out of my book report tomorrow?
Huh.

Oh, there's a spell here
that could work for you.

Cast it. Cast away.
‭Don't bring up that movie!

You know I'll cry!
‭Sorry.

♪ Halloween's coming ♪

♪ Kids are trickin',
kids are treatin' ♪

♪ Ghosts gonna spook,
pumpkins gonna pump, la... ♪

Oh.
‭What? You okay?

Did that get
too scary for you?

No, I just realized I forgot to
take my jack-o'-lantern inside.

I'm gonna go get it.

Oh, okay.

Guess I'm doing the dishes
myself.

♪ Kids are trickin',
kids are treatin'... ♪

I wrote "no book report"
on here.

Now I just have to burn it.

Aah! Okay,
that's probably burnt enough.

Cast a spell for me, too!
I want fish sticks

for tomorrow's
lunch at school.

Wait, wasn't that
today's lunch?

What's your point?
Nothing, nothing.

Dream your crazy dream.
Let me see.

Um, okay.

"Fish sticks
are what we desire.

Give us this food;
our hunger is on fire."

Nice.
‭Oh, look at that.

Love spells.
Maybe I'll just do a quick one.

Shocking. I just need
something of Jimmy Jr.'s.

Maybe his old, um, gym sock?

You have a drawer
of Jimmy Jr.'s things?

Just his socks.
And his old retainer.

And his toothbrush.

Why so many
wet marshmallows?

From his hot chocolate.
Okay, um...

Jimmy Jr., Jimmy Jr.,
Jimmy Jr.

Okay. Done.
Give me one of those marshmallows.

I want to do a spell
where I put it in my mouth.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.
It's working.

What the...

Someone took it?

Who steals a pumpkin?

Smash it
if you're gonna do something!

Stop yelling!
Sorry, Edith.

Someone took my pumpkin.

TMI!

GENE:
Tina, look!

Is that a fish stick?

Yes! Spell fulfilled.
I found it in my locker.

I was using it
as a bookmark.

That's not all.
Guess who got jury duty.

Who? Dish.

Ms. Labonz!
We had a substitute,

and I didn't have
to do my book report!

Wow. So those spells
actually worked.

But what about my love spell?
Hey, Tina.

Hey, Jimmy Jr., Zeke.

Got some lunch, huh?
Where are you gonna sit?

I don't know.
Can we sit here? ‭Sure.

Move over, Rover!
Come on! ‭Ow.

Son of a witch. (Jimmy Jr.
and Zeke arguing)

The spells worked!

(quietly):
I guess I'm a real witch.

We'd better get you registered
for some cauldrons.

Get Crate and Barrel
on the phone.

(Bob snoring)

(sniffs) Bob?

Do you smell that?
Something's burning.

Okay, you keep sleeping.
I'll go save our lives.

Normal.

Normal.

Normal... What?!

Tina, what the hell
is going on?!

(groans)
Mom. It's hard to explain.

You wouldn't get it.
I get that it's late

and you're gonna
burn the house down.

It's like Kenny G's
rehearsal space in here.

(blowing)

Linda Belcher, not a peep.

Close your eyes
and go to sleep.

I am going to sleep.
All right.

Good night.
No more candles.

Don't call me Linda Belcher.
It's creepy.

(rock intro playing)

♪ Ha-ha, ha, ha, ha... ♪

Ow! Tina!
What the hell?

Darryl, I hear you're gonna be
E.T. for Halloween.

You might want
to phone home to me

to congratulate
me on winning.

Hey, Peter, your costume
is gonna be the Mona Lisa?

Yeah.
‭Well, you might want to...

Mone home... after
I win the contest.

What?

Jimmy Jr., want to walk my ass
to class?

Uh... okay.

Someone woke up
all witchy today.

What do you got there,
a second jack-o'-lantern?

Actually, it's my third.

The first one was my fault;
I forgot to bring it in.

But the second one,
when I put it out...

I'll tell it, I'll tell it!
It's a mystery.

Bob was locking up the
restaurant when he remembered

the jack-o'-lantern
was still sitting there.

He looked away for a second
to unlock the door,

and when he turned back,

the jack-o'-lantern
had vanished!

And then he went, "No...!"

I-I didn't scream,
"No..." I said, "No."

Actually, I don't even
think I said, "No."

I think I said something
cool, like a swear.

So the pumpkin just disappeared?
Oh, spooky.

Well, I mean, someone took it
and was very good at doing that.

Or something.
Like a ghost.

(gasps)
‭It wasn't a ghost.

I'm staying away
from that pumpkin just in case.

Okay. Done.

I'm putting it outside.

Outside? Are you nuts?

Leave it in here
where it's safe.

No, no, no, no, Lin,
I want someone

to try and take this one.

And I'm gonna catch them
when they do.

This pumpkin is bait.

Bait for a ghost.
Pumpkin Ghost,

I want it on record,
I have nothing to do with this!

Me neither!
It's just Bob!

Get him! Don't get us!
Sorry, Bob.

I cast all the spells
in this book.

Can I get a new one?

You cast all the spells?
‭Yeah.

It's a reference book.

You're not supposed to run
through it like an Us Weekly!

Well, I did. I think I'm good
at this witch thing.

Ugh. You've been a witch
for, what, two days?

Take it down a notch!

You're playing
with powerful forces!

This is not kids' stuff!

I am powerful forces.

Witch, please!

Fine. I don't need your books.

I'll just go on the Internet.

Because print is dead.

Tell me about it.

Can you log me
into the computer?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

TINA: (groans)
This is taking forever.

It's the last phase
of a waning moon.

We're wasting good
spell-casting time.

I'm beginning to understand
why they burned witches.

Yeah, T, you don't have to be
such a spell hound.

Okay to cross.

Finally. I thought
this was a crosswalk,

not a "wait around
all day" walk.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

You watch your mouth.

You watch my mouth...
cast a spell on you.

Excuse me?

Didn't we just do this?

You're gonna cast
a spell on me?

I could.

Really?
‭Really.

Hey! What are you doing?

My barrette.
Give it back.

Can't. I need it for my spell.

Your spell?

In 24 hours,
your fate will be worse,

'cause the girl who cast spells
now is cursed!

You can keep
crossing now.

Wait, but...

Cross!
(screams)

Oh, my God.

Did you just get cursed?

I think so?

Look on the bright side:

your hair looks great like that.

Tina, you okay?

You're just pushing
around your meatballs.

Are you eating dinner
or playing pool?

(chuckles)
‭Yeah...

I'm just
kind of distracted

thinking about this thing
someone said to me today.

Wha? What thing?

It's about being cursed
and my fate.

You know, that kind of thing.

Sheesh, school bullies have
gotten so much more poetic.

Back in my day,
you just got called

"poop-stain-pinkpants"
or something.

They would just say it
over and over again.

(screams)
Did you guys see that?

The knife almost
stabbed my foot!

You could've lost a toe.

But maybe that little weird one.
That would've been fine.

BOB: Hey, Lin?
Can you bring me the salt?

Come get it yourself!

You know I can't leave my post.

LINDA: Bob, Tina got
cursed today!

Oh. Sorry, Tina!

Would it help if you
brought me the salt?

Just come get it, Bob!

Fine!

Quick, quick, quick, quick,
quick, quick, quick, quick,

quick, quick, quick,
quick, quick, quick...

I've never seen Dad
move that fast

when it wasn't bathroom related.

(Bob screams)

It's gone!

LINDA:
What? Really?

You made me come
get the salt!

Wait a minute.

Pesto.

Jimmy Pesto didn't
steal your pumpkin, Bob.

He's bussing a table.
Oh, he did it.

I don't know how he did it,
but he did it.

I'm watching you, Jimmy!

I'm watching you!
Oh, yeah?

Watch this.

(farts)
Zoom! Ha!

No, Jimmy, no, not zoom!

I do... don't go inside!

(muffled):
I cannot hear you!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, my God!

(wind whistling softly)

Huh.

Why is my window open?

(gasps)

(chuckles nervously)

That was weird.

JACKIE (whispering):
The girl who cast spells

now is cursed!

(screams)

(cackling)

(screaming)

You know what?
I'm gonna cross down there.

Does it have to do with
the woman who cursed you

waving you into the street?

Is it just so you can
get your steps in today?

Yeah... I'll catch up
with you guys later.

It's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay.

(screams) BIKER:
Bike lane, ma'am!

Sorry! Cursed!

And I'm only 13;
please don't call me "ma'am."

Mr. Ambrose?

Yes, Goth Brooks?

I think I got cursed...

Yawn.

...by Jackie the crossing guard.

Did you say
"Jackie the crossing guard"?

Yeah. ‭Oh, if that's true,
you're in trouble.

Jackie's a witch.
A mean witch.

God! How many witches are
there at this school?!

I told you,
witches are everywhere!

I thought you were just
being dramatic!

I was! But it's also true!

Then it's not just
being dramatic!

I did both!

Jackie and I used to be
in the same coven.

She's a powerful witch.

But she always wanted
to go dark.

Revenge spells this.
Curse your enemies that.

And she never
chipped in for pizza.

Whoa.
Tell me exactly what she said.

First, she took
my barrette.

Oh, God.
What?

Oh, forget it. Keep going.

Um... And then she said,

"In 24 hours,
your fate will be worse,

'cause the girl
who cast spells now is cursed."

Okay. So yeah. You're cursed.

Oh, no!

(both scream)

Hey, do you think
there's any way

I could get you to leave
the library? ‭What?

I don't want to die
in some freak accident

just because I'm next to you.
So get out!

Out!
‭(screams)

Best of luck!

I know. I know
what you're doing.

Oh, yeah? Well, I know
what you're doing.

You're stinking up
my sidewalk.

(laughs) ‭Ha! 'Cause he stinks.

Yeah, that's right, Trev.

No. I know about
the pumpkins, Jimmy.

You've been sneaking over
on your kitty cat paws

in the dark to my place.

Eh... okay.

Wow. Finally
snapped, huh, Bob?

Pumpkinhead's lost his gourd.
(laughs)

Whoa. Mental illness.
No joke.

No, don't say "mental illness."

Come on, you're ruining it.
Just...

Not a joke.

Listen, just go inside,
would ya?

It's a disease.
(stammers)

Would you go inside?
I'm talking to Bob.

Jimmy, you steal this one,
I'm gonna call the police.

And they will come, immediately,

because this is serious.

Zoom.

Hey, hey. Don't say
"zoom." That's mine.

Zoom, Jimmy.

Hey...

Zoom, Jimmy!

On your right, ma'am.
Ooh! Sorry.

I'm not a ma'am.
Close enough!

(indistinct chatter)

TAMMY: Tina, you have to
admit that I look better

as a hot mess than you would
have... if it had been your idea.

Tammy, it doesn't matter
because I'm gonna win

the contest... that much I know.

I just hope I don't die first.

What? ‭What are
you talking about?

I don't speak bread.
‭Yeah.

Tina, we came back
to say break a leg.

But not really. I know
you're worried about that.

What if the curse happens now,
during the contest?

Tina, nothing's
gonna happen.

Just wiggle your nose
or something

and un-curse yourself.

(both screaming)

Do you have a lint roller?

No! God! Wait, yes, I do.

Can I borrow it? ‭Yep, yep.
Here you go.

Welcome to
the Wagstaff Costume Contest!

Let's kick off
this monster mash.

(laughing)

First, we have
Rudy Stieblitz as

Marcel Marceau!

(applause)

And next we have Peter Pescadero
as the Mona Lisa.

Isn't she
mysterious... sort of?

(applause continues)

And next is Tina Belcher
as a sand-witch.

Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

(gasps)

Here I go, from bread to dead.

(nervous laughing)
Ha, ha, ha.

(harsh whisper):
Tina! Let's keep it moving!

Ha, ha, ha. ‭LOUISE: Psst. Tina.

What's going on up there?

You're going a weird way
with the sand-witch character.

No one gets it.

I think the curse
is gonna happen now,

while I'm on stage.

(groans) What if I fall?

Um, well, Gene and I

can stay down here
and walk next to you.

We'll catch you.

And then we'll pass you
around like you were

intentionally crowd-surfing.

(groans) ‭Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me.
‭Excuse me. Pardon me.

(harsh whisper):
Tina, what is going on?

I know this isn't normally
how you walk down a catwalk.

I'm walking slowly
because something terrible

is gonna happen to me right now.

I accidentally pissed off the
wrong witch, and now I'm cursed.

Wait. Were we supposed
to prepare a speech?

I don't know.

Maybe I got
a little carried away.

Maybe I-I shouldn't
have cast so many spells.

On you. And you. And you.
Lot of love spells. Sorry.

Ugh! What?
What are you talking about?

I also cast a spell
to win this contest,

and I know I shouldn't
have done that.

But now that I think
about it, I'm not sure

my spells worked
in the first place.

I mean, I don't even know
if this stuff is real.

I think it was more
just something

that made me feel
more confident.

Jimmy Jr., maybe
you just responded

to my bold attitude
and choker necklace.

Eh, I don't know.
I liked it!

And come to think of it,
Gene always

has fish sticks in his locker.

Oh, yeah, I do.

And maybe Ms. Labonz
getting jury duty

was just a coincidence.

He was guilty.
We were done before lunch.

I went to the mall
for the rest of the day.

Okay. (chuckles) We're just
gonna keep moving along.

And next we have Tammy Larson

dressed as a hot mess.
‭(grunting)

Love it. So original.

(groans) Hot mess. That's how
this whole thing started!

I wanted to win
the contest so bad.

I'm sorry I got myself
into this stupid curse!

I'm sorry I said those things
to you, Jackie. I'm sorry!

And I'm sorry I ever
listened to you

about witchcraft, Mr. Ambrose!

I have no idea
what she's talking about.

(harsh whisper):
Stop it! Shh!

Jackie, if you're gonna
do something to me,

just do it already!
I'm done being a witch,

and I'm done with this curse!
(groans)

I'm just gonna try
and be more confident

and less mean
to crossing guards.

I know that's a really cliché
thing to say,

but I mean it.

Move it, loaf!
(grunts)

Whoa!

I got her! I got her!
I got her! I got her!

Oh, no! Aah!
(screams)

(audience gasps) TINA: I'm okay!
Tammy broke my fall.

TAMMY: Oh, my God,
I can't feel my legs!

TINA: Those are my legs.
TAMMY: Ew! Gross!

Get your legs off me!

Congratulations, Rudy.

Sorry you fell, Tina.

Not our fault. We were
nailing it, for the record.

Do we have to keep spotting you
for the rest of your life?

I don't know. I guess maybe?

Uh-oh. Here comes Jackie.
Louise, hands up.

Here we go.
‭Uh...

I accept your apology.
Here's your barrette.

Consider yourself un-cursed.

Okay, phew. You have to admit,
we got a little crazy.

I mean,
you more than me, but...

Re-cursed!
What?!

Kidding! Oh. Good. ‭Whew!

You got me.
I mean, don't get me.

I mean, we're cool, right?
(nervous laugh)

(cackles)

Uh, sorry, that's just my laugh.
Yeah, we're cool.

Bob, you can't just stare
at Jimmy Pesto all day.

He's gonna try
for it, Lin.

I know he's coming
for this one.

Oh, my God!

Mr. Fischoeder!
What are you doing?

Hello, Bob.

I'm taking this
jack-o'-lantern home

to put with the others.

Wait. You're the one who's been
stealing my jack-o'-lanterns?

Stealing? No. I thought
we had an understanding.

You carve them and leave them
out, and then I take them.

It's-it's like how people
keep giving me bikes.

That's insane.

Well, you're the one
who keeps doing it.

How many have you made,
four, five?

Well, what are you doing
with them?

What aren't I
doing with them?

Come to my house tonight
and I'll show you.

Um...

Welcome to Jack-O-Land!

Your Halloween just got
a little Halloween-er.

Wow! Oh, it's so pretty.
And spooky.

See how much less pathetic
they look over here

than they did on your sidewalk?

Oh, it's like night and day.
Linda.

What? They're happy
here. Look at them.

We could never give them
all this.

Children, you want a picture

with your father's
burg-o'-lanterns?

- Sure. Yes! ‭Okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's, uh, five dollars.

Father, pay the man.

I'm not paying
for a picture

of you with
my jack-o'-lanterns.

Come on, Bob.
It's Halloween.

(sighs) Fine.
(kids cheering)

Where do you want these bikes,
Mr. Fischoeder?

Around the back, Freddy!
You got it.

Good man. ‭Teddy.
It's Teddy. His name's Teddy.

(rock intro playing)

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy ♪

♪ Pumpkin snatchy ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy ♪

♪ Cursed by Jackie ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy ♪

♪ Eating candy ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy ♪

♪ Jack-O-Landy ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy, witchy-witchy ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy ♪

♪ Witchy-witchy witch. ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.