Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 2 - Sea Me Now - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Um...

Is it mustard?
‭Uh, ketchup.

We were looking
for ketchup. ‭Oh.

Kids, stop playing "What is it?"

What do you expect us to do,
work?

Yes.
‭No.

Hello, Belchers.
Hey, Teddy.

Question.

What are you all doing tomorrow?

I'm gonna be straight collagin'.



Why do you ask?

You know that boat
that I've been fixing up?

You've mentioned it.

Well,
I finally got her shipshape,

and I thought it'd be fun
to take you all out.

Kill us?

No, take you out
for a boat ride.

Tomorrow.

Ooh, family boat trip.

That sounds great, Teddy,
if we can get back

in time for the lunch rush.
Absolutely.

So I'll put you down
for a soft "maybe."

Huh? No, no, no, we're in.

Great. Well,
just let me know for sure,



because I got to plan for drinks
and stuff like that.

Teddy, we're coming.
We-we said yes. ‭Mm-hmm.

Okay,
so hopefully you'll be there.

I got to go, I got to go.

That's a mean joke to play
on your friend, Dad.

What? We're going.
‭Oh.

We're going sailing

On a motorboat

Do-do-do-do

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

So, Dad, you're probably
wondering why I'm holding

this chalkboard eraser
from the restaurant.

What? Wait.

Why are you holding the eraser
from the restaurant?

I'm glad you asked.

You see, we've had
some discussions

about me having
my own cell phone,

haven't we, Father?
‭Uh-huh.

Some people say I shouldn't
have my own cell phone,

because I lose things sometimes.

That people is me,

because you lose things
sometimes, all the time.

Well, agree to disagree.

Hmm, no.

Has anyone seen my other shoe?

Has anyone seen
a burger on a plate?

Has anyone seen my toothbrush?

It was in my mouth a second ago.

Okay, so maybe
I lose things sometimes.

But I wouldn't lose
a reasonably-priced cell phone

with a sensible data package.

And I'm going to prove it

by not losing
this eraser all day.

Tina, I like that eraser.

I'm gonna miss it.

Yeah, it was a good eraser.

Rest in peace.

Guys, I'm not going to lose it.

Oh, my God, where is it?

You just dropped it.

Didn't lose it. Not lost.

Ahoy, Belchers.

Wow, look at you.

In a shirt, on a boat.

Hoity-toity.
‭Yeah.

Teddy, the boat looks amazing.

Thanks, it was just an outhouse

for seagulls when I got it.

Just a floating bucket.

Welcome aboard the Sea Me Now.

So I tricked out everything,
as you can see.

Custom drink holders
all over the place.

I weatherproofed
a couple of loungers.

Secured some additional seating.

Go ahead, try it out.

Super comfy.

So comfy.

Are these from France?

Maybe.

And this here's mission control.

Wait, it that the steering
wheel from your truck?

It sure is. Hey, what do I need

two steering wheels for?

I can't be two places at once,
right?

Also, I popped by the store.

I got some nibbles.

Hello.
‭Help yourself.

Oh, cheese and crackers,
just like on land. ‭Yeah.

What do you say? Should we get
this boat on the road?

Toot-toot.

Yay. ‭Boat on the road.
Toot-toot.

We can go anywhere;
where do you want to go?

Probably Mars.
Sacramento?

Wherever
Captain Phillips happened?

Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Oh, here's someplace
we could go.

You know how
my ex-wife Denise left me

for some guy that's into boats?

Well, he owns a bar on the docks

on Menemshewena Island.

Denise works there, too.

We could swing by there

in this really cool boat
I have now.

That might be fun, right?

I mean, right?
That might be fun.

Now that I think about it
for the first time, right?

Uh...
‭Yikes.

Whoa.

Just an idea.
‭Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Spitballing.

Seems like maybe this isn't

the first time you've
thought about it?

Yeah, I was picking
up on that, too.

Huh? What do you mean?

Your ex-wife left you

for a boat guy.

Yeah.
And you've been

fixing up a boat for,
like, years and years,

ever since your divorce.

Yeah, and?

You actually called your boat
Sea Me Now?

I don't, uh, I don't get where
you're going with this, Bob.

It's a nautical pun.

Teddy, is this whole day
all about Denise?

Maybe you shouldn't try
and impress her.

Impress her? Denise?

What? Huh? That's crazy.

We have both moved on.

Also,
didn't she treat you horribly?

Didn't she say the back
of your head looks like a butt?

Yes, and that's why
I wear a hat.

And didn't she make you go
to the bathroom in the yard?

I was not doing
a great job with...

Yeah, and then I started
to enjoy it.

And didn't she cheat on you,
like, a lot?

Yes, but I was working
seven, eight hours a day,

five days a week sometimes.

O-Of course she cheated on me

all over the place.

I left her no choice, Bobby.
Uh-huh.

Sure. No, yeah. Right.

Great. It's settled.

Setting a course
for my ex-wife's

boyfriend's waterfront bar.

Okay, we're getting close.

That's the bar that, uh,
her boyfriend owns.

The Schoon Hound.

Classy.

There's Denise.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Teddy, Teddy, rel...

Oh...
‭Relax.

Oh, my God, okay, here we go.

Big smiles, everyone.

Hold your plates up.

You're having a great time.

And here we go.

Great joke.

And did everyone get enough
expensive fruit salad?

Oh, hey, Denise.

Crap. No.

She didn't see us.

Well, if at first
you don't succeed...

Oh, boy.

Just got to bring her around.

We're going starboard here,
everyone, or port, or something.

Okay, here we go.

Teddy, you really want to try again?
Damn right I do.

Geez, kind of a wide turn,
huh, Teddy?

Yeah, it's not a ten-speed bike,
Bob.

Let me see you rebuild a boat.

Sorry, Teddy, sorry.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Okay, there she is.

I think she can see us.

Here we go.

Great joke, okay, huh?

Did everyone get enough
expensive fruit salad?

We did. It's delicious.

It tastes like success.

Nope.

Not that time, either.
Why would she see me?

I'm only in a huge boat,
yelling her name.

Who likes U-turns?

Everyone like U-turns?

I'm learning to appreciate them.

We're doing a U-turn!

Right full rudder.

I'm going to bring her
around starboard.

No, port!

Uh, how you doing, buddy?

Uh, uh, I'm doing wonderful.

I mean, we're on the ocean.

We're enjoying the ocean, Bobby.

Will you please sit down?
Yeah, okay.

Smiles, everyone.

We're doing great
since the divorce.

Hey, fruit salad.

I mean, Denise.

I mean, look at my boat.

I'm inside of a boat.

It's... I mean, it's my boat.

Teddy?

Huh? Hey.

Hi.

Denise, when did you start...

waitressing
at your boyfriend's place?

I mean, is that where
your boyfriend owns that?

Aah!

So, uh, good catching up.

This fruit salad...
oh, my God, the best.

Oh, God.
‭Oh, boy.

Do you think that Denise noticed
that I crashed the boat?

What? No.

Uh, I'm not Teddy, by the way.

That doesn't sound good.

Crap, we're still stuck.

I-I'm going to give
it all she's got.

We're free!

‭Crap.

Oh, boy.

And that's how you

make an exit, people.

Great job, Teddy.

There is blowing it,
and there is blowing it.

What? It was fine.

Mm-hmm.

Not too many people

were taking videos
with their phones.

I pretended to take one,
but don't worry,

I won't post it anywhere.

Not how I imagined this going.

Me and my stupid
butt-head.

Let's get you home.

Maybe by tomorrow,
or next Christmas,

you can laugh
about the whole thing.

Teddy, Linda's right.

All of this is probably
for the best, so, uh...

smooth sailing from here.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Uh, does that smoke
look extra smoky to you guys?

I mean,

it doesn't look great
coming from a motor.

That smoke is coming
from the motor?

I thought we were
slow-roasting ribs.

Oh, whoa, yeesh.

That dock sure did
a number on us.

Teddy, when's a good time
to tell you

there's water coming
into the boat?

Is now a good time,
or should I...?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not ideal.

Not an ideal time?
Okay, I'll tell you later.

Are we sinking?

Uh... I mean, yes, but...

But, but, but wa-wa-wait,
we can make it home, right?

I mean, we're going to be fine,
of course, no.

But just to be safe, we should
probably radio the Coast Guard,

and everyone put on life vests.

Come on, kids,
do it 'cause it's fun.

Oh, my God.

Okay, we just got to turn it

to channel 16.

Where's the thing
that I talk into?

Wha-What do you mean?
The thing that you press.

Wait, it's not there?

Oh, boy. Oh.

What, Teddy?

You know that little mic thing
that you're supposed

to plug in right here?
Yeah.

Well, the good news is,
it was perfect

for my policeman
costume for Halloween.

The bad news is,
we don't have a working radio.

Are you serious?

I took part of it to make...

I was third. I won third.

You took the part that we need
to talk into right now,

'cause we're sinking.

And now my phone's
not getting a signal.

Me, either.
‭Nothing.

Wait, so we can't call for help?

Well, there is a flare gun.

Every boat should
have one of these,

but that's for, like,
a real emergency.

Yeah, let's all keep our eyes
peeled for a real emergency.

Hmm, right. I see
what you're saying.

Well, we've got one flare,

so this has to be
the perfect shot.

Huh.

Maybe a fish will swim for help.

Now what, Teddy?

Now what do we do?

Okay, calm down, Bob.

Why? Wh-Why should I calm down?

Can I talk to you
over here for a sec?

Teddy messed up,
all right, he did.

But blowing your top at him

isn't going to help anything.

We don't know that,
Lin, it might.

Look, just don't go nuts
on the poor guy.

Fine, we'll just calmly sink
to the bottom of the ocean.

Okay, everybody.

I might be partially to blame

for some stuff today,
but I've got a plan.

I think we can make it to
this little island right here.

The map says
it's a private island.

You know,
it could be Caffery's Island.

Mr. Caffery of Caffery's Taffy?

And Caffery's bootlegged liquor?

I think we could
all use a drink, right?

Yeah, I could use a cordial.

I think one of these little
islands was his, or still is.

I mean, rich people
can own stuff

even after they're dead, right?

Dead raccoons act
like they own the road.

Is there a dock?

I'm not seeing a dock.

What was that?

You hit a rock.
A-A couple of rocks.

Uh, they had it coming.

Yeah, why not? Why not
hit a couple of rocks?

I think this is as far
as we're going here.

We can't get
any closer to shore.

All right,
I guess we're getting wet.

It's okay.

It's just like at the mall.

Sometimes you got to park
far away and hoof it.

Dropping anchor.

Still got my eraser phone, Dad.

And I'm not letting it get wet.

That's great, Tina.

It's super important right now.

Tell me about it.

Oh, land!

You sweet son of a bitch,
get over here.

Oh, that's not good.

You'd think if you had
a private island,

you could afford to
get rid of the danger.

Maybe it's luxury danger.

Dangier.

Well, we don't have a choice.

We have to find help.

Look, on top of the hill.

There's a house.

Good eye, Louise.

Eh, I can notice things, too.

Look, there's an eraser
on the ground.

Damn it.

Wait. Starting up.

Phew. It still works.

Shh.

Did you guys hear something?

Do you mean ever, or just now?

I didn't hear any... thing.

What the...?

Cows! Tell them we don't
sell hamburgers.

Tell them we don't
sell hamburgers.

Oh, no, oh, God.
‭What do we do? What do we do?

Uh, they keep moving closer.

They look so mad.
What's their problem?

And why are they so hairy?

Get a haircut and a job,
you hippies.

How'd you get out
of Burlington, Vermont?

Okay, everyone walk slowly
to the right,

and maybe don't
look them in the eyes.

All right.

Looking at my feet, very casual.

They're still coming.

Th-They're not stopping.
- Oh, no.

I don't like
their attitude right now.

Yeah, they are mad at us.

Why are they mad at us?

I think we should run.
I think we should, uh,

run toward those rocks.

Good plan.
‭Uh, uh, uh,

I'm pretty sure cattle
can't climb rocks, right?

And go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, no, oh, no, getting cut off.

We're gonna go to those rocks.

Okay, uh, we'll keep
going to these rocks!

We made it.

Climb up towards the house.

We'll meet you there.

I think we'll be okay
if we stay off the grass.

Yeah, get off my lawn.

Uh, I can't believe
I got us in this mess.

Sea Me Now is right.

See me bring a bunch of kids

to an island with deadly cattle.

Not the day I pictured.

Not how it looked
on my vision board,

and not how I saw it
going down with Denise.

But maybe it wasn't
the best plan, I mean.

What were you even
going to say to Denise?

If you didn't
crash the boat so loudly?

Uh, I guess I was going to say
something like,

"Ahoy, Denise."

Uh...

Uh-huh, and then what?

That's all I had.

Ugh, I'm useless.

Aw, well, maybe it would
make you feel better

if we do some role-playing,

and, uh,
we pretend it went great.

And I'll be Denise,
and you be you.

Okay.

And I'll be Denise's boyfriend.

Proud owner of The Schoon Hound.

Uh, ahoy, Denise.

Uh, did you,
did you see my boat?

Ahoy to you, Teddy.

Wow, look at your boat.

It's just beautiful.

Yeah, I'm super jealous.

And that woman with you,

the one with the glasses,
she looks fun.

Is she your girlfriend?

What? Who, Linda?

No, she's a friend.
She's-she's Bob's wife.

Hi, you. I'm Denise.

I'm Linda.

Linda, I love that name.

You look so smart.

And who's that cool teen
with the barrette?

I assume she's got
her own cell phone.

Uh, I think you guys
are getting a little off track.

Right, right, right.

Teddy, you look great.

Leaving you for this idiot

was the dumbest thing
I ever did.

Really?
‭Absolutely.

She's right.

You should be with Denise,
not me.

I've got The Schoon Hound,
I'll be fine.

Come on, let's give love
a second chance.

What do you say?

I say, "Let's do it."

Let's get back together.

I'm going to fix up
my boat again.

And then we'll fix up
our marriage.

End scene.

Oh, my God, I'm crying.
I just got chills.

Can we do one where you say,

"It looks like you
lost ten pounds"?

How long should we wait for him?

Is he dead?

Wait for who?

I forget who was behind us.

That wasn't, uh...

so... so tough.

Here we are.

Good news, everybody.

We did our role-playing game,

and we came to the conclusion

that as soon
as we get off the island,

Denise and I are going
to get back together.

What are you talking about?
What is he talking about?

Um, it sounds worse
when he says it.

Uh, you weren't there, Bob.

I was there.
I played that no-good

son of a bitch
boyfriend of hers.

Oh, my God.

Hey, look at us.

Almost to the house on the hill.

They'd better have
cable and kettle corn.

Oh, no, no, no.

We're supposed to go over that?

Are you kidding me?

I'll go, and if
I make it across,

I'll call for help.

That was a super creak.

It's super creaky, yow!

I don't know, Teddy.

It seems like that bridge

might completely fall apart.

It might,

but that's a risk I got to take.

Okay, good luck.

You guys wait here.

I was born to be
on Team Wait Here.

Okay, here I go.

Making progress.

Careful, Teddy.

Wait till Denise
hears about this.

This is going to make
one very impressive story.

If I don't make it,
tell her I died a hero.

So you'll be dead, but you
still want to impress her.

And kind of, uh,
embellish it a little.

You know,

maybe I did a cool flip

like a diver or something.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, we'll, we'll tell her.
‭Okay.

Boy, this, uh,
bridge does not feel sturdy.

Guys? Guys?

Guys, behind you.

Everybody over the bridge.

Go, go, go!

Easy, easy.

I'm glad this is easy for you,

but I'm freaking out!

Careful, careful, careful, okay.

Okay, the cows are smarter
than we are.

They're not
getting on this bridge.

Just keep moving

and try not to be heavy,
everybody.

Hey, I skipped brunch today.

No, I didn't.

Okay, step by step.

Easy does it.

Tina!

Let the eraser go.

Y-You need both hands.

But I haven't lost it
this whole time.

I'm not about
to let go of it now.

You can have a phone, all right?

Just grab on to the rail.

Oh, okay, cool.

That was a great eraser.

One of the best.

Terrible reception, though.

- Ugh.
- We made it.

Oh, my babies.

Who are you?
‭

What are you doing here?

Just kicking it.

W-We're not here on purpose.

Get out of here.
This is private property.

We know, it's Caffery's Island.

Yes, and it's my job
to protect it.

So get off this island.

We'd love to, sir,
but we're stranded here

and we just want
to use your phone.

Also, please don't
weed-whack us.

I might if you don't skedaddle.

Imagine this is your shins.

No, we-we get it.

Just listen,

Teddy's boat is all busted
and crashed on the rocks out there.

I'm Teddy.

The guy with the boat
that he was just talking about.

Right. So can we borrow
your phone to call for help?

All right, I won't whack you.
Come on in.

I'll give you a tour
and I'll see if I have any of my

trespasser's punch.

Ooh, punch!

And this is the parlor.

So, uh, is this
where the phone is?

We'll get there eventually.

I'm just guessing,
but is it just you out here

by yourself, Nathaniel?

Oh, yeah.

Just me and my gardening
tools and the cattle.

Yeah, you could put
that down at any time.

No, thanks.

And why are there
terrifying cattle

running wild on this island?

Those are Highland longhorns.

Mr. Caffery imported them
all the way from Scotland.

They were a gift to the love
of his life, Gwendolyn.

- She was Scottish!
- Aw.

But she did not
return his affections.

Oh.

Hell, he bought
this island for her.

For Gwendolyn, the Scot!

Yup. And he named it
How-Boutcha-Love-Me Island.

And he built this house for her.

Which he named

"the house that Caffery built
for Gwendolyn."

That man had all the money
in the world,

but he couldn't get the woman
he loved to love him back.

She left him for an Austrian
count named Lipshitz.

And the cattle have overrun
this island ever since.

Wait, Teddy,
you're just like Caffery.

I am?
‭Yes.

Caffery did all this stuff
to impress this Gwendolyn lady.

Uh-huh.
‭It's just like you with your boat.

You're right.

Yes! Finally!

I could buy an island!

For Denise.
That'll help me win her back.

Oh, my God!
‭What?

Teddy! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! ‭

Bob, Bob, Bob!

Teddy, I think what
Bob is trying to say

is that you should
forget about Denise.

And forget about our fun
and creative role-playing,

which maybe was not so helpful.

I'm still proud of
the work I did.

You don't have to let Denise
know you're doing all right.

You can just do all right.

And you are
all right, all right?

If you would just stop it.
‭Ah!

Okay, okay, okay,
Bobby, let him go.

Or shake him more?

Or give him
a raspberry on his belly.

That'll teach him.

It's just, we love you, Teddy.

We want the best for you.

Wow, look at you people.

Listen, I don't offer this
to most trespassers,

but you folks seem odd.

Okay...

You don't need to use the phone.

I got a boat and a lot of time.

I could tow you home.

You-you have a boat?

Yes. Got a couple.

In the boathouse.

Boathouse?
We didn't see a boathouse.

'Cause you came up on the wrong
side of the island.

The front of
the property's beautiful.

Have a look.

That's the place to trespass.

Oh, yeah,
that's good trespassing.

Next time maybe.

Geez,

you dinged it up pretty good.

Nobody light a match or flick
your butts over this way.

You're leaking diesel
all over the place.

Did he say "flick your butts?"

Excuse me, where can
we flick our butts?

'Cause that needs to
happen pretty soon.

Dad, I wanted to say
thank you for thinking

I'm responsible enough
for my own cell phone.

Which we both agree I am.

Yes, Tina. You'll be a great...

cell phone owner.

I know. I will. Someday.

But I don't want my own
cell phone right now.

You don't?

No, I couldn't take my eyes

off the eraser the whole day.

And if you're
always looking down,

then you're
missing what's around... you.

What's around you.

Oh. Okay, Tina. I guess...
that's great.

Cheaper, too. And I think
you should read more, Dad.

I feel like I've never seen
you read a book.

Okay. That's enough, Tina.

And have you ever sat
down and talked to Mom,

just really talked?

Huh.
‭Mm.

Dad, no more screen time
for you.

We're gonna have to take
your phone away.

Yup.

That's that.

Oh! ‭Whoa. ‭Whoa.

Ooh, that's a fire!

Teddy! Did you do that?

I did. You were right, Bob.

Okay, but I mean,
I didn't say set it on fire.

Tell you the truth,
I never even liked boats.

Eh, you know who likes boats?

Guys that are trying to
impress their exes, that's who.

Not me.
‭I like boats.

Should we be towing that still?

I mean...
maybe we cut her loose?

'Cause it's on fire?
Cuttin' her loose!

Teddy, you could've
sold that boat

for parts or something, right?

Or, I mean, I would have
taken a free boat.

Just saying.

Nah, a fresh start is good.

Time for me to live
my life for me.

I'm pretty sure all of our wallets
and stuff were on there.

Oh, yeah? Huh.

So... a fresh start
for all of us then, huh?

Eh. Oh.

Guess the steering wheel
from my truck's on there, too.

Can I get
a ride home with you guys?

Oh, God.

Eh. The way home's
mostly straight.

I'll probably make it.

Somewhere beyond the sea

Somewhere waitin' for me

My lover stands
on golden sands

And watches the ships

That go sailin'

Somewhere

Beyond the sea

She's there watching for me

If I could fly
like birds on high...

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.