Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - #DUPE# - full transcript
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
(bell on door rings) (stuffed up):
Hello, everybody.
Guess who's got
two thumbs and the flu?
This gal!
Feel my forehead!
Just feel it!
Feel it!
Oh, yeah, you're on fire.
Uh-huh!
She's half girl, half grill.
All cop.
A really sick cop.
Oh, no, Louise, you
caught that flu bug
that's going around?
That's terrible.
I know, such bad luck.
Ugh.
It's interesting
how upbeat you are.
Maybe 'cause you want
to miss school?
Father, how dare you.
But, gosh,
now that you mention it,
I might
have to miss some school.
Man, too bad, I love that stuff.
Mm-hmm. Louise,
you do not want that flu bug.
I had it and it gave
me weird fever dreams.
I dreamt I was in a book club
with my cousin Vanessa,
but she was a werewolf.
Classic.
Well, I may have the flu,
but I've never felt better.
(sneezes) Gene,
celebration hug. No!
Tina... All right,
I'll take one of those bad boys.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, Tina, no!
(Louise coughs)
How's my little sick pickle?
Wow, that's quite a setup
you got going on.
Oh, yeah.
We got my buddy Bakeneko here,
Akkoro Kamui,
Dodomeki and Mizuchi.
I'm just gonna call
them all Hello Kitty.
Now let's get you
some medicine, huh?
Uppity doodity,
bup bup bup bup dit dit!
Right down the hatch.
Mmm.
Okay, I'll check on you
in a little bit.
(spits)
Like I want to get better.
Hey, wait a minute,
who's missing?
Kuchi Kopi.
Gah, the Kuch.
He's only my favorite toy
in the world.
If I had a favorite.
Which I don't.
(clears throat)
(air horn blares, all scream)
Jeez, I thought we took
the air horn away from her.
Did you hide it in
your underwear drawer? Yes.
We know about
the underwear drawer.
And about your underwear.
Not-so-tighty-not-so-whities.
(air horn blares)
Coming!
(air horn blares)
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, good, you heard that.
Yeah.
Listen, would you be a lamb
and bring me Kuchi Kopi?
I would get him myself,
but I'm just so sick and weak.
(fake cough) Sure, where is he?
In the bathroom next to the toilet.
Why is he there?
If you must know, mother,
he is my doodie buddy.
Okay.
Well, I'll be right back.
(humming) There he is.
Whoa! Whoa!
(struggling noises) Oh, no.
I dropped Kuchi Kopi
in the toilet
and then I tried to rinse him
off in the sink
and then I dropped him
in the toilet again
and now there's a bunch of water
sloshing around in there.
Oh, Louise won't like that.
Yeah, Mom, that's, like,
her favorite thing.
Don't you think
I know that, Tina?
Oh, my God, what do we do,
what do we do?
Well, we could put
rice around it
and put it in the oven.
Yum.
No, it might dry it out.
People do it with phones.
Hmm.
We should probably throw
some ribs in there too.
Just in case.
Mm.
Does anyone else feel
kind of freezing
and, like, floaty?
(breathes deeply) Just me?
Ugh, where the hell
is Kuchi Kopi?
(air horn blares) Just a second.
(laughs nervously)
Okay, it's at 100 degrees.
So, how long does
this usually take?
30 minutes.
30 minutes?
That's a half an hour.
Louise'll catch
onto us before that.
All right, look, I know this
oven pretty well. Oven brag.
So, I think if we just
turn it to 200 degrees
for a few minutes,
it'll do the trick.
(air horn blares) Oh!
I can't go in there by myself.
You guys are coming with me.
What are we gonna tell her?
We just got to stall.
I could distract her
with an intriguing dance.
Hmm?
Hey, sweetie. Hi.
Hi. Hey.
Hi.
So, where's Kuchi Kopi?
Right, Kuchi Kopi.
Yes.
(Gene sings)
Ooh!
Look at him go.
That's so good.
Wait, Louise,
is that your medicine?
Um, no. (gasps) You spit it out?
You're taking that medicine,
miss Missy. No, I am not.
Don't you make me do
the full family hold down.
You wouldn't dare.
(all grunting and groaning)
How can she be so sick,
but still so strong?
Like the economy!
(Louise yells, then Linda yells)
Okay, that's a problem.
Oh, my God, the oven! ALL: Ah!
Oh, my God, the oven
to you too, pal!
Oh, no, we left it in too long.
Maybe it'll be fine, though.
It's not fine.
I can fix it, I can fix it!
Ow!
Hot Kuchi!
Oh, we're dead.
We're dead.
Oh, God.
We should just leave.
Town.
Get in the car and go far away.
I'd love to see Ann Arbor.
Okay, okay,
uh, she's all loopy
right now, right?
Maybe she won't notice?
Hi. Hello. Hi there.
(weakly):
You have... Kuchi Kopi?
Uh-huh.
There he is.
Kuchi.
Okay, good night!
Good night.
Phew.
Good night, Kuchi.
(screams) Oh, boy.
(gibberish) It was an accident!
I dropped him in the toilet
and then Tina said
we should put him
in the oven and then
Bob didn't really know the oven,
and then Gene smooshed his face,
so it's all our faults,
right guys?
Mm...
Louise, we're so sorry.
(angry breathing)
Honey? Say something. Get out.
Louise, I know you're
really angry right now,
and it's a little
early to, you know,
have some perspective on
this and forgive us, but...
I will never forgive you
for this.
Never ever ever!
How about... what if I...
(sings)
Get out!
Okay, okay!
♪
♪ That went... well.
I can't believe this.
♪ I used to trust my family ♪
♪ ALL: We're sorry, so sorry ♪
♪ Now they're just
a sham to me ♪
♪ Did we mention
that we're sorry? ♪
♪ Destroyed my favorite thing
in the world ♪
♪ This wasn't our best day ♪
♪ Broke the heart
of this little girl ♪
♪ You can slap us all
in the face ♪
♪ No amount of slaps
can make this right ♪
♪ Oh, no, that's not good ♪
♪ I guess I'm not
the forgiving type. ♪
Whoa, I'm feeling
kind of flu-zy.
And the room is kind of woozy.
Was that rug always twirling?
'Cause it makes me
feel like hurling.
Whoa!
(yells)
(grunts)
♪ ♪
Whoa.
Hello.
(both scream back and forth)
Wait, why are you screaming?
I thought that was what
we were doing.
Well, let's not.
Okeydokey.
LOUISE:
So I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say I may be having
a fever dream.
It's sort of gloomy.
Is that 'cause I'm,
I don't know,
mad at my family?
Is that how fever dreams work?
Hey, I say just
have fun with it.
Jeez.
I got to tell you, Kuch,
it's kind of hard
to look at you.
Is it bad?
It's bad.
Not in the face, though, right?
Man, my family did
a number on you.
We should kill them.
Whoa, what?
Too much?
Hey, I just remembered.
I have a place here.
A time share.
You have a time share
in my fever dream?
Yes, it's a beautiful fortress.
There!
You can just see it.
Oh, yeah.
Are you looking
where I'm pointing?
Yeah, it's, like,
the only fortress.
Right, but you're
not reacting like,
"Whoa, that's
an incredible fortress."
It's very nice, it's very nice.
Anyway...
we should totally go there.
We can be alone, and...
(whispers): we'll be safe there.
Safe from what?
Safe from everyone.
No one will hurt us!
Whoa.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Okay, well, um,
yeah, let's get going.
Sounds good.
LINDA: Oh, this is awful!
Yeah, Louise hates us!
I mean, probably me
the least, but yeah.
(phone rings) Hello?
Hey, Bob, it's Teddy.
From the restaurant.
Are you watching this
hockey game right now?
No, Teddy.
Ah, well, I wish you were
'cause my cable's out,
I want to come over and watch it.
Look, I-it's not really
a good time.
We're in the middle
of a crisis here.
We kind of melted Louise's
Kuchi Kopi night light.
But that's, like,
her favorite thing. We know, Teddy.
Wait, Kuchi Kopi,
that's made out of vinyl, right?
I don't know, I guess.
Well, why don't I bring
over my heat gun
and we try to fix it?
You have a heat gun?
Yeah, I use it to weld PVC pipe
for plumbing.
I've definitely told
you about it.
Makes me feel like you don't
listen to me, Bob. Uh-huh.
Anyway, we can use it
to mold Kuchi Kopi
back to his former self.
Also, maybe if you see
the heat gun, you'll remember it
the next time I bring it up
in conversation.
All right, we're desperate,
so come on over.
Maybe we can put the hockey game
on in the background. Bye, Teddy.
Teddy's coming over
and he's bringing his heat gun.
Is that a euphemism
for his ding dong?
It's got an open floor plan,
stainless steal appliances.
It's just a really
great fortress
to go to to get away from it all.
(rustling)
Shh.
I think I heard something.
Don't tell me shush.
(Bob's voice): Halt down there!
You shall not... whoa!
Ow!
Oh...
(clears throat)
Uh, you shall not pass.
Bakeneko?
What's going on?
Louise, I cannot allow you to get
to the fortress. What? Why not?
(whispers): He's so jealous he's
not invited to the fortress.
It's pathetic.
Because the fortress
is an awful place.
I mean, who builds a fortress
that blocks the sun
and makes everything
dark and gloomy?
Who does that?
Probably a cool dude.
♪ That fortress
is the worstest ♪
♪ And I think it's
kind of cursed us ♪
♪ You can see it
has immersed us ♪
♪ In this darkness ♪ Wow.
♪ I built a beautiful ♪
(falsetto): ♪ Sun deck ♪
♪ Up there in the trees ♪
♪ (normal):
You could bring a good ♪
(falsetto): ♪ Book there ♪
♪ And feel the gentle breeze ♪
(normal): ♪ It had a lovely ♪
(falsetto):
♪ View of the vicinity ♪
(normal): ♪ But then they built
that fortress there ♪
♪ And ruined it for me. ♪
Kill him.
What now?
Well, ho-hold on.
Look, Bakeneko,
you don't tell me where
I can and can't go
in my own fever dream.
Why do you want to
go there anyway?
Well if you must know,
to be alone.
Pfft. That's dumb.
You're dumb.
Your face is... dumb.
(quietly): My face is not dumb.
Beat the bear.
Bup bup bup bup bup bup.
(chuckles) I really don't
want to fight you.
Ah, then let us pass.
Okay, I'll fight you.
But I'll go easy on you
because I'm so big and...
(Lousie grunts, Bakeneko groans,
then wheezes) Okay, not bad.
All... you have...
(grunting)
to do... is let... us pass!
(high-pitched grunting):
I'm not... trying... my hardest.
Ha!
Just so you know
(yells)
Oh!
Oh, okay, taking a quick break.
Or you can just keep walking.
That's fine.
(mumbling) TEDDY: Sheesh.
It really looks messed up.
You sure you don't just
want to replace it?
I know a toy guy.
I mean, he's real.
He's not a toy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, Teddy,
You could probably get...
she loves this thing,
maybe more than us.
Let's just try and fix it
before she wakes up.
Linda, you got the mustard
for the switch out?
Yes, mustard, check, right here.
This is full.
Is this even
the same weight as Kuchi Kopi?
Let me see it.
(eating sounds) Now it is.
Thanks, Gene.
You're welcome.
(Tina groans nervously)
(all gasp, Louise stirs)
(all sigh in relief)
How about putting on
that hockey game, Bobby?
If we keep it low?
That was so badass, Louise.
You were like,
"Oh, I shall not pass?
Well, then why am I passing?"
(chuckles)
You hear that,
everyone that may or may not
be in the swamp right now?
You don't want to mess
with this girl.
No sir!
(both yell, creature growls)
(nervous chuckle)
Hello, pretty swamp monster.
You didn't hear all
that super cool trash talk
I said before, did you?
(growling) (screaming):
Okay, I guess you did!
(Akkoro Kamui growling)
Akkoro Kamui? Is that you?
(clearing throat) Yeah.
(coughing) Yeah.
(Linda's voice):
Uh, yes, it's me. Hi.
LOUISE: Hi.
So, listen, none shall pass.
Gas. (makes fart noise)
Just kidding.
But yeah, n-none shall pass. No.
(laughs nervously)
I can't let you get
to that fortress, Louise.
It's a bad, bad place.
Allow me to explain.
Here we go.
♪ That fortress
is the worstest ♪
♪ And it's really kind of
cursed us ♪
♪ You can see it has immersed us
in this darkness ♪
Yup. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
♪ I threw the best
swamp parties ♪
♪ I'd serve wine and calamaris ♪
♪ And we'd drink and drink
and drink and drink and... ♪
Yup, got it, we got it.
Hold on, I'm not done.
♪ And we drink and drink
and drink and... ♪
Come on, everybody!
♪ Drink and drink and drink ♪
♪ And drink and drink ♪
A little repetitive?
♪ And drink and drink all day! ♪
♪ But then the fortress made it
dark and cold ♪
♪ And that is not okay! ♪ Yeah!
Um, Kuch? Quick side bar?
Sure.
(whispering):
What's... what's up?
(whispering):
Everyone's got, like,
a major problem with me
going to this fortress.
What? No they don't.
Well, I'm just saying,
maybe there's something about it
that I'm not figuring out, or...
like it's a metaphor.
Well, maybe we get to
the fortress
and figure it out while
we're sitting in the Jacuzzi
with eight jet streams, hm?
Yeah, okay, fine.
(whispering):
What are we whispering about?
Oh, hey Akkoro Kamui,
come here,
I want to tell you something.
Okay.
Closer.
Okay.
Ha!
Ow, my face!
What... Louise?
Where'd you go?
Whatcha doin'?
Wha? Wha?
So long, Akkoro P.U.-y!
High five.
Ah, nuts.
Hey, kind of like a ponytail.
(dryer whirring, stops)
Okay... done.
TINA: Huh.
You gave him boobs.
Boobs?
Those are his arms.
Mmm...
Look, this thing works
much better on PVC pipe.
Any chance Louise would want
two pieces of PVC pipe
welded together?
(sighing):
Look, it's all right, Teddy.
Y-You tried.
Well, may I suggest
going back to the plan
where you just replace it?
The toy guy's over on Hillcrest.
Bob, that is right by
the all-night pharmacy.
And we need more medicine,
since some tricky little sicky
knocked it out of my hand.
Won't this toy store be closed?
He'll open up for an emergency.
How do you know that?
You know when you wake up
in the middle of the night,
and all you want is to look over
and see your little
Mumaluma doll
that you suddenly remember
from your childhood?
N... uh, no.
And you call around looking,
'cause you just want to
pull the little string
and hear that little guy say,
"Mumaluma, Mumaluma."
Mm.
No? Nobody?
No.
"Mumaluma."
No.
"Mumaluma."
No one knows "Mumaluma."
Sorry.
Stop saying that! Mumaluma!
No? Nothing?
Not ringing a bell.
No.
Sorry.
Anyway, finally,
an angel answers your call,
and he's willing to open up
his shop after hours for you.
That angel is Clyde.
Wait, what's the toy say again?
Mumaluma!
No no no no no!
Man, I am so sick of my toys
trying to stop me
from going where I want to go.
Let's face it.
Everybody stinks.
Except me. I'm great.
Hey, look.
We are close.
LOUISE: Finally!
Ugh, I just want to get there,
put up my feet...
(engines revving)
...and oh, come on!
(Gene's voice): Hello.
(Tina's voice): Hi.
Dodomeki, Mizuchi,
don't you dare!
What?
Don't say "you shall not pass"!
Uh, well then this
will be awkward.
'Cause you shall not pass. Yeah.
Listen, you're not gonna stop us
from getting to that fortress!
Oh, speaking of the fortress...
BOTH: ♪ That fortress
is the worstest ♪
No no no no no no! ♪ And it's
really kind of cursed us ♪
No songs about
why you hate the fortress.
Just really... just really quick.
LOUISE: No!
♪ Because I like to taaaaaan... ♪
Stop it! Stop it!
Mm.
He really does.
Just...
let's just fight already.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
Time for our game faces.
Here's mine.
(growling)
Okay, here's mine.
(howling)
Wow, that's good.
Yours is really good, too.
I wouldn't want to fight us.
Me neither, we're terrifying.
We're so ready.
Okay, Louise.
(engines revving) Louise?
(Louise laughing)
So long, idiots!
(grunts)
Dammit!
Uh-oh.
So, um, do you know
the expression,
"There's an army of angry toys
heading straight for us"?
(screaming)
Okay, yup, you do.
TEDDY: Uh, thanks
for doing this, Clyde.
Yeah, sorry to put you out
like this.
I mean, you're in your bathrobe
and it's...
What? This is a jacket.
Oh. But... okay.
Oh, my God, this is a bathrobe.
That's what I thought, yeah.
I've been wearing this
as a jacket for a while.
It looks good.
Really good.
(sighing):
Let me see the Kuchi Kopi.
Let me see him.
What happened here?
Did you give him boobs?
It was an accident.
Those are clearly arms, Clyde.
Look, it's my daughter's
favorite toy.
Please, just help us out.
(sighs) So, I assume
you know the books, right?
What-what books?
"What books?" Wh...
Can I talk to you
in private, Teddy?
Sure. What's up?
What are you bringing in here?
No, he's okay.
What are you bringing in here?
No, he does...
Guy doesn't even know the books!
He's okay!
The books, Bobby!
He's talking about the books!
You know the books.
Oh, uh, the...
what? Yes, the books, I... Right?
Right? Yeah, the Kuchi Kopi books.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
You know all about 'em.
Sit down.
What?
I'm gonna read them to you.
Sit down.
Oh, no, w-we don't need to...
Also, I could just read them
at home myself.
You won't do the voices right.
Sit down.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
(creature-voice):
It all started on a chilly night
in the enchanted land of...
(knocking) WOMAN: Clyde! Clyde!
Let me in!
It's an emergency!
Oh, boy.
I need that Tanuki Baby
I called about!
I told you it's not in yet!
Come on, I have an apartment
full of people,
and I told them
that I have a Tanuki Baby,
and they were like,
"No you don't." And I was like,
"Yes I do."
And they said, "Prove it."
And I said I had to go
to the bathroom and here I am.
I have a Tanuki Mama.
That's all I got.
I'll take it!
Fine, all right,
I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming.
Should we... sit here, or...
You stay!
Yep. Got it.
(Louise panting)
Bad toys! Bad toys!
KUCHI KOPI: I know it's not the right time,
but great drawbridge, right?
Yeah yeah, very nice.
We got to close it.
We got to close it!
(grunting)
(gear cranking)
LOUISE: Yes!
(Louise panting)
Ha! We made it! We're safe!
Safe from all you punks!
(Linda's voice): Punks?
(Tina's voice): Ouch.
(Gene's voice):
I think we're nice.
You know what else?
I love this friggin' fortress!
I might just sing about it!
♪ Inside of these four walls
of stone ♪
♪ I'm finally all on my own ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody's gettin' in ♪
(grunts)
♪ No one's on the guest list ♪
♪ The bouncers are
my two fists ♪
♪ No one's gonna hurt this gal ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody's gettin' in ♪
Scat break down!
♪ Skiddy bop-Ba,
skiddy bop-ooh ♪
♪ Skiddy bop-bop,
bop Ba-bop ooh ♪
♪ Scatting dat dat,
da da da dah! ♪
Excuse me.
Hello.
What the... Who are you?
I'm Good Kuchi Kopi.
What?
Oh, great. The time share
people double-booked us.
LOUISE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
If you're Good Kuchi Kopi,
then what does that make him?
I mean, I don't really
want to say.
Let's just say
I'm good Kuchi Kopi.
No no no no, he calls himself
Good Kuchi Kopi.
It doesn't make him good.
I could call myself
six-pack Kuchi Kopi,
it doesn't make me have muscles!
Yeah, you're looking good,
by the way.
That is just so jerky of you.
You're Jerky Kuchi Kopi.
You are.
You are!
You are. You are.
You! You!
You are.
You are!
What the hell is going on here?!
BOB: Wow, I had no idea
how great Kuchi Kopi is.
TEDDY: He's amazing.
It's so cool how he's,
like, a spirit
that can be different things
to different people.
Like Tom Brady.
Clyde actually did
a really good job reading.
Yeah, he nailed the Frog King.
Oh, my God,
the Frog King was good.
Yeah, right? Huh?
That's very good.
Okay, so, what are
you doing here,
"Good Kuchi Kopi"?
Besides killing the vibe.
You don't get it yet,
do you Louise?
What this place is?
Why we've all been trying
to stop you from getting here?
No, I don't.
But you can keep on
being mysterious about it,
if you want.
Closing yourself off
like this, Louise?
Hm? Building angry walls
around yourself, Louise?
You need to forgive your family.
What? Oh, that's what this
is all about?
Well, the answer is no!
Okay? I mean,
look what they did.
Look at his face. He's hideous.
Okay, that's not necessary.
Forgiving your family would be
good for you, Louise.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Not gonna do it.
♪ You think living
behind these walls ♪
Stop it.
No, I won't stop it.
The end. Great song.
No, it's not the end.
♪ Means you can't get hurt
at all ♪
(scoffs) This guy.
Huh, am I right?
Shush. Be quiet.
♪ But that just makes it
dark outside ♪
Blah, blah, blah
is what I'm hearing.
♪ And only you can bring
in the light ♪
Okay, how long is this
going to go on?
♪ There's just one thing
that will make this right ♪
♪ Push that button ♪
♪ Push that button ♪
♪ Become the forgiving type. ♪
I don't remember
that being there.
What kind of contractors
would put in
a "destroy fortress" button?
It was a backup plan.
And also, I thought the place
needed something button-ish
right around here, someplace.
Louise? No.
No, no, no.
Don't push the button, Louise.
Louise, no!
Don't push the button!
Oh, crap.
(rumbling)
Oh!
Oh!
ALL: Ah!
Oh!
ALL: Ah!
Jeez...
I just had the weirdest dream.
Wait a second.
W-Why does he look like that?
Why does anyone
look like anything?
Look at Dad.
What's up with that?
No, I mean, I thought you guys
melted Kuchi Kopi.
Was that just part of my dream?
Uh-huh. That's it. Yeah. Yep.
Uh, Mom, why are you
holding mustard?
Uh, 'cause I love it.
(gurgling) She gets it.
Huh. Dad, what's
behind your back?
What?
This is just how I stand.
Isn't this how I stand?
Yeah, like a matador.
Yup. He's our Dad-ador!
Aye, buddy?
(slapping)
Oops.
BOB: Uh-oh.
Huh. So it did happen.
We're so sorry, Louise.
We're a bunch of sorry
sons of bitches.
Gene.
Sorry.
Anyway, you don't
have to say anything.
We just want...
I forgive you.
Wa-Wait, wha, wha?
I said I forgive you guys.
Oh, boy.
She's still pretty sick.
No, I mean it. I forgive you.
Phew. Oh... Oh, good.
Hey, when did old Kuchi Kopi
get boobs?
I mean, I knew this day
would come, but not so soon.
Teddy did it.
Well, I forgive him, too.
Wow, you're a forgiving machine,
Louise.
I am. Come on, give me
something else to forgive!
Gene, Tina! Go!
Okay, uh...
Ugh. Oh, Gene!
That is unforgivable.
It wasn't Gene.
(chuckling):
Wow, Tina. I'm impressed.
LINDA: All right, Bob, give her the medicine.
BOB: Oh, crap, the medicine.
♪ I'm dreaming of a world ♪
♪ Where you forgive
your family ♪
♪ You seem like a girl ♪
♪ That would choose
Good Kuchi Kopi ♪
♪ Over Bad Kuchi Kopi ♪
♪ That flu bug
took you on a trip ♪
♪ A crazy tough ride ♪
♪ But the sickness
made you better ♪
♪ And I'm glad you didn't die ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
(bell on door rings) (stuffed up):
Hello, everybody.
Guess who's got
two thumbs and the flu?
This gal!
Feel my forehead!
Just feel it!
Feel it!
Oh, yeah, you're on fire.
Uh-huh!
She's half girl, half grill.
All cop.
A really sick cop.
Oh, no, Louise, you
caught that flu bug
that's going around?
That's terrible.
I know, such bad luck.
Ugh.
It's interesting
how upbeat you are.
Maybe 'cause you want
to miss school?
Father, how dare you.
But, gosh,
now that you mention it,
I might
have to miss some school.
Man, too bad, I love that stuff.
Mm-hmm. Louise,
you do not want that flu bug.
I had it and it gave
me weird fever dreams.
I dreamt I was in a book club
with my cousin Vanessa,
but she was a werewolf.
Classic.
Well, I may have the flu,
but I've never felt better.
(sneezes) Gene,
celebration hug. No!
Tina... All right,
I'll take one of those bad boys.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, Tina, no!
(Louise coughs)
How's my little sick pickle?
Wow, that's quite a setup
you got going on.
Oh, yeah.
We got my buddy Bakeneko here,
Akkoro Kamui,
Dodomeki and Mizuchi.
I'm just gonna call
them all Hello Kitty.
Now let's get you
some medicine, huh?
Uppity doodity,
bup bup bup bup dit dit!
Right down the hatch.
Mmm.
Okay, I'll check on you
in a little bit.
(spits)
Like I want to get better.
Hey, wait a minute,
who's missing?
Kuchi Kopi.
Gah, the Kuch.
He's only my favorite toy
in the world.
If I had a favorite.
Which I don't.
(clears throat)
(air horn blares, all scream)
Jeez, I thought we took
the air horn away from her.
Did you hide it in
your underwear drawer? Yes.
We know about
the underwear drawer.
And about your underwear.
Not-so-tighty-not-so-whities.
(air horn blares)
Coming!
(air horn blares)
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, good, you heard that.
Yeah.
Listen, would you be a lamb
and bring me Kuchi Kopi?
I would get him myself,
but I'm just so sick and weak.
(fake cough) Sure, where is he?
In the bathroom next to the toilet.
Why is he there?
If you must know, mother,
he is my doodie buddy.
Okay.
Well, I'll be right back.
(humming) There he is.
Whoa! Whoa!
(struggling noises) Oh, no.
I dropped Kuchi Kopi
in the toilet
and then I tried to rinse him
off in the sink
and then I dropped him
in the toilet again
and now there's a bunch of water
sloshing around in there.
Oh, Louise won't like that.
Yeah, Mom, that's, like,
her favorite thing.
Don't you think
I know that, Tina?
Oh, my God, what do we do,
what do we do?
Well, we could put
rice around it
and put it in the oven.
Yum.
No, it might dry it out.
People do it with phones.
Hmm.
We should probably throw
some ribs in there too.
Just in case.
Mm.
Does anyone else feel
kind of freezing
and, like, floaty?
(breathes deeply) Just me?
Ugh, where the hell
is Kuchi Kopi?
(air horn blares) Just a second.
(laughs nervously)
Okay, it's at 100 degrees.
So, how long does
this usually take?
30 minutes.
30 minutes?
That's a half an hour.
Louise'll catch
onto us before that.
All right, look, I know this
oven pretty well. Oven brag.
So, I think if we just
turn it to 200 degrees
for a few minutes,
it'll do the trick.
(air horn blares) Oh!
I can't go in there by myself.
You guys are coming with me.
What are we gonna tell her?
We just got to stall.
I could distract her
with an intriguing dance.
Hmm?
Hey, sweetie. Hi.
Hi. Hey.
Hi.
So, where's Kuchi Kopi?
Right, Kuchi Kopi.
Yes.
(Gene sings)
Ooh!
Look at him go.
That's so good.
Wait, Louise,
is that your medicine?
Um, no. (gasps) You spit it out?
You're taking that medicine,
miss Missy. No, I am not.
Don't you make me do
the full family hold down.
You wouldn't dare.
(all grunting and groaning)
How can she be so sick,
but still so strong?
Like the economy!
(Louise yells, then Linda yells)
Okay, that's a problem.
Oh, my God, the oven! ALL: Ah!
Oh, my God, the oven
to you too, pal!
Oh, no, we left it in too long.
Maybe it'll be fine, though.
It's not fine.
I can fix it, I can fix it!
Ow!
Hot Kuchi!
Oh, we're dead.
We're dead.
Oh, God.
We should just leave.
Town.
Get in the car and go far away.
I'd love to see Ann Arbor.
Okay, okay,
uh, she's all loopy
right now, right?
Maybe she won't notice?
Hi. Hello. Hi there.
(weakly):
You have... Kuchi Kopi?
Uh-huh.
There he is.
Kuchi.
Okay, good night!
Good night.
Phew.
Good night, Kuchi.
(screams) Oh, boy.
(gibberish) It was an accident!
I dropped him in the toilet
and then Tina said
we should put him
in the oven and then
Bob didn't really know the oven,
and then Gene smooshed his face,
so it's all our faults,
right guys?
Mm...
Louise, we're so sorry.
(angry breathing)
Honey? Say something. Get out.
Louise, I know you're
really angry right now,
and it's a little
early to, you know,
have some perspective on
this and forgive us, but...
I will never forgive you
for this.
Never ever ever!
How about... what if I...
(sings)
Get out!
Okay, okay!
♪
♪ That went... well.
I can't believe this.
♪ I used to trust my family ♪
♪ ALL: We're sorry, so sorry ♪
♪ Now they're just
a sham to me ♪
♪ Did we mention
that we're sorry? ♪
♪ Destroyed my favorite thing
in the world ♪
♪ This wasn't our best day ♪
♪ Broke the heart
of this little girl ♪
♪ You can slap us all
in the face ♪
♪ No amount of slaps
can make this right ♪
♪ Oh, no, that's not good ♪
♪ I guess I'm not
the forgiving type. ♪
Whoa, I'm feeling
kind of flu-zy.
And the room is kind of woozy.
Was that rug always twirling?
'Cause it makes me
feel like hurling.
Whoa!
(yells)
(grunts)
♪ ♪
Whoa.
Hello.
(both scream back and forth)
Wait, why are you screaming?
I thought that was what
we were doing.
Well, let's not.
Okeydokey.
LOUISE:
So I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say I may be having
a fever dream.
It's sort of gloomy.
Is that 'cause I'm,
I don't know,
mad at my family?
Is that how fever dreams work?
Hey, I say just
have fun with it.
Jeez.
I got to tell you, Kuch,
it's kind of hard
to look at you.
Is it bad?
It's bad.
Not in the face, though, right?
Man, my family did
a number on you.
We should kill them.
Whoa, what?
Too much?
Hey, I just remembered.
I have a place here.
A time share.
You have a time share
in my fever dream?
Yes, it's a beautiful fortress.
There!
You can just see it.
Oh, yeah.
Are you looking
where I'm pointing?
Yeah, it's, like,
the only fortress.
Right, but you're
not reacting like,
"Whoa, that's
an incredible fortress."
It's very nice, it's very nice.
Anyway...
we should totally go there.
We can be alone, and...
(whispers): we'll be safe there.
Safe from what?
Safe from everyone.
No one will hurt us!
Whoa.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Okay, well, um,
yeah, let's get going.
Sounds good.
LINDA: Oh, this is awful!
Yeah, Louise hates us!
I mean, probably me
the least, but yeah.
(phone rings) Hello?
Hey, Bob, it's Teddy.
From the restaurant.
Are you watching this
hockey game right now?
No, Teddy.
Ah, well, I wish you were
'cause my cable's out,
I want to come over and watch it.
Look, I-it's not really
a good time.
We're in the middle
of a crisis here.
We kind of melted Louise's
Kuchi Kopi night light.
But that's, like,
her favorite thing. We know, Teddy.
Wait, Kuchi Kopi,
that's made out of vinyl, right?
I don't know, I guess.
Well, why don't I bring
over my heat gun
and we try to fix it?
You have a heat gun?
Yeah, I use it to weld PVC pipe
for plumbing.
I've definitely told
you about it.
Makes me feel like you don't
listen to me, Bob. Uh-huh.
Anyway, we can use it
to mold Kuchi Kopi
back to his former self.
Also, maybe if you see
the heat gun, you'll remember it
the next time I bring it up
in conversation.
All right, we're desperate,
so come on over.
Maybe we can put the hockey game
on in the background. Bye, Teddy.
Teddy's coming over
and he's bringing his heat gun.
Is that a euphemism
for his ding dong?
It's got an open floor plan,
stainless steal appliances.
It's just a really
great fortress
to go to to get away from it all.
(rustling)
Shh.
I think I heard something.
Don't tell me shush.
(Bob's voice): Halt down there!
You shall not... whoa!
Ow!
Oh...
(clears throat)
Uh, you shall not pass.
Bakeneko?
What's going on?
Louise, I cannot allow you to get
to the fortress. What? Why not?
(whispers): He's so jealous he's
not invited to the fortress.
It's pathetic.
Because the fortress
is an awful place.
I mean, who builds a fortress
that blocks the sun
and makes everything
dark and gloomy?
Who does that?
Probably a cool dude.
♪ That fortress
is the worstest ♪
♪ And I think it's
kind of cursed us ♪
♪ You can see it
has immersed us ♪
♪ In this darkness ♪ Wow.
♪ I built a beautiful ♪
(falsetto): ♪ Sun deck ♪
♪ Up there in the trees ♪
♪ (normal):
You could bring a good ♪
(falsetto): ♪ Book there ♪
♪ And feel the gentle breeze ♪
(normal): ♪ It had a lovely ♪
(falsetto):
♪ View of the vicinity ♪
(normal): ♪ But then they built
that fortress there ♪
♪ And ruined it for me. ♪
Kill him.
What now?
Well, ho-hold on.
Look, Bakeneko,
you don't tell me where
I can and can't go
in my own fever dream.
Why do you want to
go there anyway?
Well if you must know,
to be alone.
Pfft. That's dumb.
You're dumb.
Your face is... dumb.
(quietly): My face is not dumb.
Beat the bear.
Bup bup bup bup bup bup.
(chuckles) I really don't
want to fight you.
Ah, then let us pass.
Okay, I'll fight you.
But I'll go easy on you
because I'm so big and...
(Lousie grunts, Bakeneko groans,
then wheezes) Okay, not bad.
All... you have...
(grunting)
to do... is let... us pass!
(high-pitched grunting):
I'm not... trying... my hardest.
Ha!
Just so you know
(yells)
Oh!
Oh, okay, taking a quick break.
Or you can just keep walking.
That's fine.
(mumbling) TEDDY: Sheesh.
It really looks messed up.
You sure you don't just
want to replace it?
I know a toy guy.
I mean, he's real.
He's not a toy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, Teddy,
You could probably get...
she loves this thing,
maybe more than us.
Let's just try and fix it
before she wakes up.
Linda, you got the mustard
for the switch out?
Yes, mustard, check, right here.
This is full.
Is this even
the same weight as Kuchi Kopi?
Let me see it.
(eating sounds) Now it is.
Thanks, Gene.
You're welcome.
(Tina groans nervously)
(all gasp, Louise stirs)
(all sigh in relief)
How about putting on
that hockey game, Bobby?
If we keep it low?
That was so badass, Louise.
You were like,
"Oh, I shall not pass?
Well, then why am I passing?"
(chuckles)
You hear that,
everyone that may or may not
be in the swamp right now?
You don't want to mess
with this girl.
No sir!
(both yell, creature growls)
(nervous chuckle)
Hello, pretty swamp monster.
You didn't hear all
that super cool trash talk
I said before, did you?
(growling) (screaming):
Okay, I guess you did!
(Akkoro Kamui growling)
Akkoro Kamui? Is that you?
(clearing throat) Yeah.
(coughing) Yeah.
(Linda's voice):
Uh, yes, it's me. Hi.
LOUISE: Hi.
So, listen, none shall pass.
Gas. (makes fart noise)
Just kidding.
But yeah, n-none shall pass. No.
(laughs nervously)
I can't let you get
to that fortress, Louise.
It's a bad, bad place.
Allow me to explain.
Here we go.
♪ That fortress
is the worstest ♪
♪ And it's really kind of
cursed us ♪
♪ You can see it has immersed us
in this darkness ♪
Yup. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
♪ I threw the best
swamp parties ♪
♪ I'd serve wine and calamaris ♪
♪ And we'd drink and drink
and drink and drink and... ♪
Yup, got it, we got it.
Hold on, I'm not done.
♪ And we drink and drink
and drink and... ♪
Come on, everybody!
♪ Drink and drink and drink ♪
♪ And drink and drink ♪
A little repetitive?
♪ And drink and drink all day! ♪
♪ But then the fortress made it
dark and cold ♪
♪ And that is not okay! ♪ Yeah!
Um, Kuch? Quick side bar?
Sure.
(whispering):
What's... what's up?
(whispering):
Everyone's got, like,
a major problem with me
going to this fortress.
What? No they don't.
Well, I'm just saying,
maybe there's something about it
that I'm not figuring out, or...
like it's a metaphor.
Well, maybe we get to
the fortress
and figure it out while
we're sitting in the Jacuzzi
with eight jet streams, hm?
Yeah, okay, fine.
(whispering):
What are we whispering about?
Oh, hey Akkoro Kamui,
come here,
I want to tell you something.
Okay.
Closer.
Okay.
Ha!
Ow, my face!
What... Louise?
Where'd you go?
Whatcha doin'?
Wha? Wha?
So long, Akkoro P.U.-y!
High five.
Ah, nuts.
Hey, kind of like a ponytail.
(dryer whirring, stops)
Okay... done.
TINA: Huh.
You gave him boobs.
Boobs?
Those are his arms.
Mmm...
Look, this thing works
much better on PVC pipe.
Any chance Louise would want
two pieces of PVC pipe
welded together?
(sighing):
Look, it's all right, Teddy.
Y-You tried.
Well, may I suggest
going back to the plan
where you just replace it?
The toy guy's over on Hillcrest.
Bob, that is right by
the all-night pharmacy.
And we need more medicine,
since some tricky little sicky
knocked it out of my hand.
Won't this toy store be closed?
He'll open up for an emergency.
How do you know that?
You know when you wake up
in the middle of the night,
and all you want is to look over
and see your little
Mumaluma doll
that you suddenly remember
from your childhood?
N... uh, no.
And you call around looking,
'cause you just want to
pull the little string
and hear that little guy say,
"Mumaluma, Mumaluma."
Mm.
No? Nobody?
No.
"Mumaluma."
No.
"Mumaluma."
No one knows "Mumaluma."
Sorry.
Stop saying that! Mumaluma!
No? Nothing?
Not ringing a bell.
No.
Sorry.
Anyway, finally,
an angel answers your call,
and he's willing to open up
his shop after hours for you.
That angel is Clyde.
Wait, what's the toy say again?
Mumaluma!
No no no no no!
Man, I am so sick of my toys
trying to stop me
from going where I want to go.
Let's face it.
Everybody stinks.
Except me. I'm great.
Hey, look.
We are close.
LOUISE: Finally!
Ugh, I just want to get there,
put up my feet...
(engines revving)
...and oh, come on!
(Gene's voice): Hello.
(Tina's voice): Hi.
Dodomeki, Mizuchi,
don't you dare!
What?
Don't say "you shall not pass"!
Uh, well then this
will be awkward.
'Cause you shall not pass. Yeah.
Listen, you're not gonna stop us
from getting to that fortress!
Oh, speaking of the fortress...
BOTH: ♪ That fortress
is the worstest ♪
No no no no no no! ♪ And it's
really kind of cursed us ♪
No songs about
why you hate the fortress.
Just really... just really quick.
LOUISE: No!
♪ Because I like to taaaaaan... ♪
Stop it! Stop it!
Mm.
He really does.
Just...
let's just fight already.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
Time for our game faces.
Here's mine.
(growling)
Okay, here's mine.
(howling)
Wow, that's good.
Yours is really good, too.
I wouldn't want to fight us.
Me neither, we're terrifying.
We're so ready.
Okay, Louise.
(engines revving) Louise?
(Louise laughing)
So long, idiots!
(grunts)
Dammit!
Uh-oh.
So, um, do you know
the expression,
"There's an army of angry toys
heading straight for us"?
(screaming)
Okay, yup, you do.
TEDDY: Uh, thanks
for doing this, Clyde.
Yeah, sorry to put you out
like this.
I mean, you're in your bathrobe
and it's...
What? This is a jacket.
Oh. But... okay.
Oh, my God, this is a bathrobe.
That's what I thought, yeah.
I've been wearing this
as a jacket for a while.
It looks good.
Really good.
(sighing):
Let me see the Kuchi Kopi.
Let me see him.
What happened here?
Did you give him boobs?
It was an accident.
Those are clearly arms, Clyde.
Look, it's my daughter's
favorite toy.
Please, just help us out.
(sighs) So, I assume
you know the books, right?
What-what books?
"What books?" Wh...
Can I talk to you
in private, Teddy?
Sure. What's up?
What are you bringing in here?
No, he's okay.
What are you bringing in here?
No, he does...
Guy doesn't even know the books!
He's okay!
The books, Bobby!
He's talking about the books!
You know the books.
Oh, uh, the...
what? Yes, the books, I... Right?
Right? Yeah, the Kuchi Kopi books.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
You know all about 'em.
Sit down.
What?
I'm gonna read them to you.
Sit down.
Oh, no, w-we don't need to...
Also, I could just read them
at home myself.
You won't do the voices right.
Sit down.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
(creature-voice):
It all started on a chilly night
in the enchanted land of...
(knocking) WOMAN: Clyde! Clyde!
Let me in!
It's an emergency!
Oh, boy.
I need that Tanuki Baby
I called about!
I told you it's not in yet!
Come on, I have an apartment
full of people,
and I told them
that I have a Tanuki Baby,
and they were like,
"No you don't." And I was like,
"Yes I do."
And they said, "Prove it."
And I said I had to go
to the bathroom and here I am.
I have a Tanuki Mama.
That's all I got.
I'll take it!
Fine, all right,
I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming.
Should we... sit here, or...
You stay!
Yep. Got it.
(Louise panting)
Bad toys! Bad toys!
KUCHI KOPI: I know it's not the right time,
but great drawbridge, right?
Yeah yeah, very nice.
We got to close it.
We got to close it!
(grunting)
(gear cranking)
LOUISE: Yes!
(Louise panting)
Ha! We made it! We're safe!
Safe from all you punks!
(Linda's voice): Punks?
(Tina's voice): Ouch.
(Gene's voice):
I think we're nice.
You know what else?
I love this friggin' fortress!
I might just sing about it!
♪ Inside of these four walls
of stone ♪
♪ I'm finally all on my own ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody's gettin' in ♪
(grunts)
♪ No one's on the guest list ♪
♪ The bouncers are
my two fists ♪
♪ No one's gonna hurt this gal ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody's gettin' in ♪
Scat break down!
♪ Skiddy bop-Ba,
skiddy bop-ooh ♪
♪ Skiddy bop-bop,
bop Ba-bop ooh ♪
♪ Scatting dat dat,
da da da dah! ♪
Excuse me.
Hello.
What the... Who are you?
I'm Good Kuchi Kopi.
What?
Oh, great. The time share
people double-booked us.
LOUISE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
If you're Good Kuchi Kopi,
then what does that make him?
I mean, I don't really
want to say.
Let's just say
I'm good Kuchi Kopi.
No no no no, he calls himself
Good Kuchi Kopi.
It doesn't make him good.
I could call myself
six-pack Kuchi Kopi,
it doesn't make me have muscles!
Yeah, you're looking good,
by the way.
That is just so jerky of you.
You're Jerky Kuchi Kopi.
You are.
You are!
You are. You are.
You! You!
You are.
You are!
What the hell is going on here?!
BOB: Wow, I had no idea
how great Kuchi Kopi is.
TEDDY: He's amazing.
It's so cool how he's,
like, a spirit
that can be different things
to different people.
Like Tom Brady.
Clyde actually did
a really good job reading.
Yeah, he nailed the Frog King.
Oh, my God,
the Frog King was good.
Yeah, right? Huh?
That's very good.
Okay, so, what are
you doing here,
"Good Kuchi Kopi"?
Besides killing the vibe.
You don't get it yet,
do you Louise?
What this place is?
Why we've all been trying
to stop you from getting here?
No, I don't.
But you can keep on
being mysterious about it,
if you want.
Closing yourself off
like this, Louise?
Hm? Building angry walls
around yourself, Louise?
You need to forgive your family.
What? Oh, that's what this
is all about?
Well, the answer is no!
Okay? I mean,
look what they did.
Look at his face. He's hideous.
Okay, that's not necessary.
Forgiving your family would be
good for you, Louise.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Not gonna do it.
♪ You think living
behind these walls ♪
Stop it.
No, I won't stop it.
The end. Great song.
No, it's not the end.
♪ Means you can't get hurt
at all ♪
(scoffs) This guy.
Huh, am I right?
Shush. Be quiet.
♪ But that just makes it
dark outside ♪
Blah, blah, blah
is what I'm hearing.
♪ And only you can bring
in the light ♪
Okay, how long is this
going to go on?
♪ There's just one thing
that will make this right ♪
♪ Push that button ♪
♪ Push that button ♪
♪ Become the forgiving type. ♪
I don't remember
that being there.
What kind of contractors
would put in
a "destroy fortress" button?
It was a backup plan.
And also, I thought the place
needed something button-ish
right around here, someplace.
Louise? No.
No, no, no.
Don't push the button, Louise.
Louise, no!
Don't push the button!
Oh, crap.
(rumbling)
Oh!
Oh!
ALL: Ah!
Oh!
ALL: Ah!
Jeez...
I just had the weirdest dream.
Wait a second.
W-Why does he look like that?
Why does anyone
look like anything?
Look at Dad.
What's up with that?
No, I mean, I thought you guys
melted Kuchi Kopi.
Was that just part of my dream?
Uh-huh. That's it. Yeah. Yep.
Uh, Mom, why are you
holding mustard?
Uh, 'cause I love it.
(gurgling) She gets it.
Huh. Dad, what's
behind your back?
What?
This is just how I stand.
Isn't this how I stand?
Yeah, like a matador.
Yup. He's our Dad-ador!
Aye, buddy?
(slapping)
Oops.
BOB: Uh-oh.
Huh. So it did happen.
We're so sorry, Louise.
We're a bunch of sorry
sons of bitches.
Gene.
Sorry.
Anyway, you don't
have to say anything.
We just want...
I forgive you.
Wa-Wait, wha, wha?
I said I forgive you guys.
Oh, boy.
She's still pretty sick.
No, I mean it. I forgive you.
Phew. Oh... Oh, good.
Hey, when did old Kuchi Kopi
get boobs?
I mean, I knew this day
would come, but not so soon.
Teddy did it.
Well, I forgive him, too.
Wow, you're a forgiving machine,
Louise.
I am. Come on, give me
something else to forgive!
Gene, Tina! Go!
Okay, uh...
Ugh. Oh, Gene!
That is unforgivable.
It wasn't Gene.
(chuckling):
Wow, Tina. I'm impressed.
LINDA: All right, Bob, give her the medicine.
BOB: Oh, crap, the medicine.
♪ I'm dreaming of a world ♪
♪ Where you forgive
your family ♪
♪ You seem like a girl ♪
♪ That would choose
Good Kuchi Kopi ♪
♪ Over Bad Kuchi Kopi ♪
♪ That flu bug
took you on a trip ♪
♪ A crazy tough ride ♪
♪ But the sickness
made you better ♪
♪ And I'm glad you didn't die ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.