Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 15 - Ain't Miss Debatin' - full transcript

♪ ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

This Joe is barely sloppied. Waiter!

Guys, don't look now,
but Henry Haber and Todd

are walking this way and they're wearing
suit jackets.

- Narcs!
- Oh, hi, Todd, hi, Henry.

So, small talk.

Uh, what about it?

Just getting it out of the way.

Tina, how'd you like
to join the debate team?

Debate? Why me?



We have to have at least one girl

and our last one quit
to focus on spelling bee.

O-U-C-H.

Anyway, uh, we need another girl

and thought of you almost immediately.

Well, I'm flattered. But I'm pretty
slammed with social commitments.

I'm on-again off-again with Jimmy Jr.,

and I think I'm about to hit
a sweet patch of on-again.

Where is he, anyway?
He was maybe gonna sit here.

Tamica, look, I can kiss my elbow.

- (groaning)
- Cool.

And... you're off again.

Ugh, so now we're
elbow kissing everyone?

Okay, looks like my schedule
might be wide open, actually.



I don't have to talk in debate, right?

- I have a fear of public speaking.
- Oh, boy.

- _
- MR. DeSANTO: Welcome to

- our newest debater, Tina.
- Thanks, Mr. DeSanto.

You know most of these jokers.

Larry's our policy ace,
Zach's a research machine,

and Todd's a ninja with sarcasm.

Sarcasm, huh. Any good?

(sarcastic): No, I'm terrible.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- Ugh, I was doing it!

All right, tomorrow's debate topic is:

"Should the U.S. switch
to the metric system?"

Oh, fun, I love the metric system.

I give it a ten out of ten.

(chuckling) Get it? Everything's ten?

Uh, tough luck, kiddo.

We've been assigned the
negative, against it.

But shouldn't we argue
for what we really believe?

- (boys laugh)
- Guys, guys.

Tina, pretending to
strongly believe in something

that you don't is great
preparation for being, like,

a lawyer, or a stepdad.

I guess I might be
one of those some day.

You just have to stuff
down your feelings

and stop believing in anything.

I think I can do that.

I mean, I don't think I can,

but I'm pretending I can.

Now you're getting it!

Aw, my talky Tina
joined the debate team?

- You gonna miss her?
- Yes.

It throws off our whole
after-school play routine.

Usually we just do the opposite of
what Tina wants to do and it's fun.

This is gonna sound
crazy, but you guys could

get started on your homework.

(laughing): Yeah that
does sound crazy, Dad.

- BOB: Mm.
- It's not due till tomorrow, buddy.

Plus I don't even know
where my backpack is.

- Whoa. Gene!
- Oh, whoopsie.

GENE: Yes I see it, Dad, thanks.

Oh, my God, now we have to throw out
ten pounds of hamburger meat.

Um, can we have it?

Why would you want that?

I don't know, I just... I want it.

- I don't think that's a...
- Please?

We won't ask for any meat
for Christmas this year.

Let 'em have the meat, Bob.

- Let 'em play with it.
- Fine.

Y-You know you have to wash your hands

after you play with it, right?

I mean, technically meat's not a toy.

I'm gonna bring it in the tub.

Everything's a toy in there.

MR. DeSANTO: Tina, how you doing
on that list of tongue twisters?

Getting your speed
up? Your articulation?

I'm still stuck on the first one.

"Ten... tongue... twisters."

That one's not actually
a... you know what?

I'm gonna hand you over
to our top debater, Henry.

(sighs) Fine.

So we're both excited, that's great.

Now we need to find some
passion in your delivery.

What really gets you going?

You mean what makes me tick?

What makes you tick-tick-tick explode?

Think of things that get you mad.

I think of when they
canceled Firefly. You try.

(sighs) I guess it makes me mad

that they call it your bottom
when it's in the middle.

- Okay.
- Or why do horseshoes

only come in one style?

Why can't they have horse sandals?

Find your Firefly, come on.

I got a Canadian quarter in change.

It's worthless unless
I take a special trip

to Canada to buy gum. (groans)

You'll get there.

Look, a meat-eor.

- Eh, I guess it's just a meatball.
- That's great.

But what do you think about this?

- Hubba hubba.
- We need a picture.

- Gene, go get Mom's phone.
- On it!

Got it! All you have to do

is ask Mom a math question and she says,

"Here, there's a
calculator on the phone.

- Don't make me do math!"
- Great.

- (camera shutter sound)
- Give me sassy.

Now give me classy.

Now gassy.

Wait a minute. (chuckles)

- Gene, stop-motion!
- Okay, now what?

No, if we move him a little

and take another picture,
and keep doing it,

we can make a movie. Meat-mation!

Oh, my God, this is the most
exciting thing we've ever done!

Okay. Reposition very slightly,

another click, reposition...

And now I'm bored.

And if we adopt the metric system,

when someone says "Thanks a ton,"

you won't actually know how
much they're thanking you.

Oh, my God, she's a dud.

She's a dud, she is a dud.

(whispers): Find your Firefly.

I mean...

(slow motion): Tamica, look,

I can kiss my elbow.

(groans) T-The metric system is dumb!

We already have grams,
they're called "grandmas"

and mine lives in Florida, thank you.

And if she has to learn
kilometers she's gonna get lost

and never make it back to the condo.

This is America, damn
it, and we're the leader

of the free world, not the liter.

- U-S-A! U-S-A!
- (bell dings)

Whoa.

Counterpoint... wow.

She's amazing.

And then you brought up foot-long
hot dogs, which was great.

And then you pointed out
that inchworms were cute,

but centipedes were gross.

- And then you're so beautiful.
- Um, what?

Uh, it's-- debate exercise.

Proposition, uh, we should go on a date.

You take pro, I'll take con. Go.

But dating isn't debatable.
Everything's debatable.

Okay, um, we should
go on a date because...

Pro: we both live on land.

Con: people find me annoying.

Pro: oh, we're not
related to each other.

Con: I get really, uh, bad haircuts.

Pro: You don't have a rat
tail; that's my deal-breaker.

Con: I have a rare
kind of contagious acne.

Um, um, um, um, pro:

bears are less likely to
attack two people than one.

Okay, I give up, I concede, you win.

We should go on a date.

Damn, I even convinced myself.

I'm that good.

Then it's settled. Shake.

Sundown is at 6:43, so my
telescope and I will be there

at 6:44.

Only Ursa Minor will be visible,

but we'll still have Ursa major fun.

Got it, you'll show up or not show up.

I've been on dates before,
I know how they work.

No, Tina, I'll be there.

In fact, let me give you
an emergency contact number

because if I don't show
up,, you can assume I'm dead.

Wow, I've never had
this for sure of a date.

See you tonight. Unless I see you first.

Wait, uh, never mind, that doesn't...

♪ ♪

Well? Entertained?

It's the best movie of meat dancing

and then its head falling
off that I've ever seen.

Since Magic Mike.

That's what you kids have
been doing for two days?

We had a technical delay
while we figured out

how to delete all the
photos off your phone.

What?

It was just a bunch of
pictures of your kids.

But this is just the sizzle reel
for the movie we want to make,

- with a proper budget of $50 to $60.
- No.

We've broken it out.

It's all gotta-haves,
and no-wanna-haves.

Every dollar ends up on that screen.

"On set masseuse,
preferably named Bruce"?

Gotta-have!

Let me tell you a little
more about the hero, huh, Dad?

Really not necessary.

Meat Man's a survivor.

No, he's not fancy,

he's just a proud,
independent, hamburger man.

Hmm. A hamburger man.

And when he talks, people listen.

Especially his kids.

His super hot kids.

Does this meat man have a name?

Yes, it's "Meat Man."

- I like that.
- Yeah.

I don't know, I'm not seeing it.

Let's talk about the
steamy girlfriend, Lorna.

Ooh, Lorna.

She's the brains. She's
also the wild card.

Her singing voice shatters diamonds!

♪ I love it, I love it, I love it! ♪

- (doorbell rings)
- Oh, the door.

I don't want to miss anything.

Stop talking to each other.

Bonjour, Mrs. Belcher,

I'm picking up Tina for a date.

That's nice, who's Tina
going on a date with?

- Me.
- Oh.

TINA: Hi, Henry. I'm almost
ready. Come on up.

Going up and everything, huh?

Look at that.

Hello, Mr. Belcher.

How are sports?

(chuckles) Uh,
they're-they're fine, I guess.

Excellent. Gene, Louise.

How are your studies?

Someone did his research.

Yep, he has my blessing.

So Henry seems... to be here.

Uh, what's going on with that?

Henry's thoughtful and attentive.

Other than my total lack
of attraction to him,

- he's perfect boyfriend material.
- He is?

Well, I mean he's made out of the
same material as a boyfriend.

Well, I guess you... solved... romance.

Yeah. Phew.

So that was fun, Henry.

I mean, sort of.

Sorry if I was a telescope hog.

No, you gave me a peek
there near the end.

I got the idea.

- Stars, right?
- Yeah, planets.

And here we are back at my door.

20 minutes after we left.

So at the end of dates

is when I hear kisses occur.

And we're at the end of the date,

therefore, we should probably...

Uh, rebuttal,

we have to debate with these mouths.

Don't want to risk injury, right?

God, I love it when you're debatey.

LOUISE: Okay, genre-wise,

this is straight up
action-adventure, Rom-com,

costume, drama, buddy movie.

Oh, I love those.

LOUISE: So in this shot,
Meat Man and Lorna scream

through the Moscow streets
avoiding rogue CIA agents

till they get to the one
person he trusts, Poopov.

Uh, can anyone do a Russian accent?

- I can.
- Vodka.

- Da, da.
- All good, all good.

- Uh, I guess Dad.
- Damn it!

(with accent): "At
last we meet, Meat Man."

Is anyone else hearing Dracula?

- (normal voice): Um, Louise?
- Yeah, hon? How can I help?

Do you really want that
double meat in there?

You have "meet Meat?"

Oh, wow, that's a good point.

Thanks. Maybe we change it to:

(with accent): "At last
we are face-to-face... "

Let's cut it since you
don't want to say it.

They'll communicate
with a look, let's go.

- A-A look?
- Mm-hmm.

Nice going, hot shot,
you lost your line.

Roll camera and action.

(wheels squeaking, clattering)

They exchange a look, and cut.

We're moving on to Cairo.

♪
♪ Are zoos humane?

Well, my anaconda don't want none.

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Put boys and girls in separate classes?

Is this middle school
or the Middle Ages?

(whispers): I'm dating her.

And that, my fellow Americans,
is why we should eat dog.

- (dramatic news theme plays)
- _

Hey, it's Jocelyn.

I'm here with Mr. DeSanto,
who coaches the debate team,

which I think is gymnastics?

That's right, Jocelyn.

This weekend we go
against King's Head Island.

And if we win we'll be
bringing home the first trophy

- for the Wagstaff trophy case.
- You mean the turtle tank?

MR. DeSANTO: Well, it's
supposed to be a trophy case.

But there are turtles in it.

Which is going to change!

We are gonna be bringing home the iron.

But where will the turtles live?

I don't f-- I don't know. I don't know.

Just don't make it about
the turtles, Jocelyn.

Okay, guys, this is a debate
team away match overnight.

- So bring your medication
- Mm-hmm.

- your mouth guards, nasal strips...
- Yep. Nasal strips.

... whatever you need to
have a good night's sleep

- Mm-hmm.
- for a strong debate.

Also, we have received our topic.

"Should a robot be president?"

Classic. Logic or emotion.

The old head versus heart.

Hope you guys can prep for the debate

with all those smoochatunities
on the overnight.

- (laughs)
- Please. Kissing's overrated.

Why lock lips when you
can lock grips, right?

Mm.

Here's a tape of King's
Head against Bog Harbor.

They've got only one
non-crappy debater,

- Sasha Whiteman.
- TINA: Oh, I know Sasha.

He's tricky and preppy.

Treppy? Pricky?

He'll have to be tricky
'cause the rest are stiffs.

This guy gets stress hiccups.

This girl's braces lock up.

This Duncan guy is from New Zealand,
and no one can understand him.

Rebuttal, yeah. Where I'm
from we call it buttle rubbies.

Whoa. Uh, could-could we,
uh, roll back to Duncan?

- DUNCAN: Buttle rubbies.
- And roll back again.

- I don't get it.
- Buttle rubbies.

And again.

- Buttle rubbies.
- Uh, why are we doing this?

- Uh, and one more time.
- Last time.

- Buttle rubbies.
- And again.

- What?
- Buttle rubbies.

- Can you zoom?
- I can't zoom.

- Zoom and enhance.
- Enhance doesn't exist.

- Uh, and freeze frame.
- All right, Tina.

Come on, let's start
debate prepping, girlfriend.

What?! Oh, right.

(chuckles) We're dating.

It all came rushing back.

I'm just prewired for long-necked boys

with thick accents
and/or speech impediments.

She likes them not quite a
man and hard to understand.

- It stinks.
- I know, sweetie.

No, something actually smells bad.

(sniffs) Ugh. It's Meat Man.

He's not getting any
younger under these lights.

Oh, boy. The meat is turning gray.

Makeup.

- Best I can do.
- (sighs)

I can't break up with Henry
right before the big debate.

It'll kill him and we'll lose,

which will kill him again.

Listen, you're in, you're out. 24 hours.

And then Monday let Henry
down as gently as you can,

like I did with Hugo.

You sang a break-up song
on his answering machine.

It was a rap, Bob.

Tina, honey, just keep
your head in the game,

and don't even look at this Duncan boy.

Avoid. Avoid.

Got it. Avoid mixing with Duncan.

Okay, guys, mix it up.

What do you say we go over
there and get in their faces?

You know, intimidate
them in a polite way.

Great idea, Habes.

Really get in their
faces, like an inch away.

I'm drinking wine. I'm
off school property.

(laughs) Or-Or, rejoinder,

we keep our distance and ignore them.

That always chaps my hide.

Tina Belcher.

I heard that voice, and I knew it either

had to be Tina Belcher or
the saddest bird in the world.

- Hi, Sasha. Hello.
- Hi.

(whispering): Closer. Intimidate.

Uh... Tina, you seem
to have noticed Duncan,

our exchange student from somewhere.

- New Zealand.
- Right.

It's so far away that Duncan

went through puberty on the plane.

It's true. I got pit
scrubbies and other scrubbies,

a couple of chesties.

Oh, a new one. Want one?

Um, one of your chesties?

Yeah. They just twist off.

Want me to twist you off a chestie?

Yes? I-I mean no. No. No.

- Sasha, you want one?
- Yeah, I'll take one.

No worries, here you
go. That's my best one.

No worries. That's what you say
when there aren't worries, right?

But-But when there are worries,
what do you say, "Worries"?

(laughs nervously) Duncan.

Uh, King's Head huddle.

Tina is super freaky for
Duncan. I'm calling an audible.

Duncan, you'll be my number two
tomorrow against Henry and Tina.

Brenda, you're benched.

- But...
- Brenda, shush.

- We're going with the debate candy.
- I'm not a good debater.

Just be you. And if
you can figure out a way

to take off your shirt
during the debate, do it.

Just use my arms, right?

Fun mixer. I-I'm gonna
go prep for the debate.

You know, I think
Duncan's gonna body surf

right outside the hotel
windows to clear his brain.

Oh, I'll go get my togs on then.

You probably call them swimmies.

I don't care. Bye.

DUNCAN: That wave was a dumper.

I almost lost my togs.

- You could nearly see my bum.
- (nervous grunting)

- (phone rings)
- Hello?

Tina, the sunset is gorgeous down here.

You need help toweling off, Dunc?

Is no one gonna help
Duncan towel off? Really?

It's so simple. He's wet, make him dry.

I know what you're doing, Sasha.

You're not gonna get
me down to the beach.

(phone rings)

SASHA: Just calling you back real quick

to let you know that Duncan

is being so self-deprecatingly
charming right now.

He's the center of attention,
but also a little bit alone.

No one gets him.

- There.
- (alarm ringing)

Oh, no, someone pulled the fire alarm.

Everybody down to the beautiful beach.

Whoops. All better.

Whoops. All better.

Whoops. All better. Whoops.

Oh, my God. Meat man's a mess.

Yeah, I don't think the love
scene's believable anymore.

Lorna wouldn't kiss that old meat.

Oh, it's a little late in the day

to start talking about
things Lorna wouldn't do.

Look, I'll kick in another
ten pounds of hamburger

for a new meat man.

You mean recast?

But he's been with us
since the beginning.

He knows the part.

He's just a piece of meat.

"Just a piece of meat"? Wow.

That's kind of rough, Linda.

Yeah, you should hear yourself.

Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Meat Man.

(in deep voice): That's okay.

False alarm, everybody can go back in.

Probably a prank, a super-cool prank.

I'm going in. I-I got to
go find an extension cord

for my sleep apnea machine.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go in, too... oh!
- Oh!

SASHA: Oh, look at that.
You guys bumped into each other.

I'm gonna go inside, bye.

Oh, hi. Didn't see you there.

A crab bit me on my clacker.

Um. That's nice.

Just taking in the view.

The lights look pretty
on the water, huh?

Yeah. You know, in New Zealand,

we don't say, "Turn off the light,"

we say, "Turn on the dark."

Son of a bitch.

Mwah.

Oh! I got to go.

Wait, wait, I got to check something.

Mwah.

Uh, yeah, I was right.

(nervous grunting)

Uh, no worries. No. Worries.

HENRY: Did you do those
tongue exercises last night?

What, no. It was just a little peck.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.

(chuckles) All limber.

LINDA: Oh, my God, now we got flies.

It's disgusting.

Shoo. Shoo.

Oh, I-I think I swallowed one.

(coughs) It's flying back up. (coughs)

Louise, we've got to wrap this up.

I know, I know. I've
got a new ending, okay?

Instead of the last 15 sequences,

we just blow Meat Man up

with a bunch of firecrackers
I got from Teddy.

Bang! Fade out, roll credits.

The whole time he's been
looking for the bomb,

and it's in his butt!

That's crazy. The meat
would go everywhere.

And Teddy, you shouldn't
give my kids fireworks.

Bob, on the set I like
to be the solution guy,

not the here's-why-we-can't guy.

But there is something
kind of perfect about it.

- I say we do it.
- And I say you don't.

Hugo?

- And Ron.
- And Ron. Sorry, Ron.

When I arrived for a
surprise health inspection,

I expected to find beaucoup violations,

but not you people about to explode

rotted meat all over the restaurant.

But we need an end for our movie.

Well, I could care... movie?

Should a robot be president?

Tina Belcher of Wagstaff
will give the First Negative.

(microphone whines)

(clears throat) No, we should not
have a robot president be-kiss...

I-I-I mean because it wouldn't
be smooch, I mean smart.

In the words of President
Abraham Duncan...

I-I-I mean Duncan Lincoln.

I mean, damn it, I-I-I
kissed Duncan last night.

- (audience gasps)
- Oh, no, it can't be.

Oh, yeah. Right.

I'm sorry, Henry.

You're using our First Negative
to tell me you kissed Duncan?

And to break up with you.

(in high-pitched voice):
And to break up with me?

Oh. We're dead.

We are dead.

I guess you can debate
what you don't believe,

but you can't date
what you don't believe.

- Anyway, robot president, um...
- (bell dings)

Oh, out of time.

I like kissing, you know?

I'm always keen for a kiss.

Should I talk about the robot?

A robot prezzy could turn into a plane.

No need for Air Force One, then.

- He is Air Force One.
- (bell dings)

You know how long it'll take
me to find another girlfriend?

(crying)

HUGO: Okay, how about this?

Instead of blowing up,
Meat Man just drives away,

and everyone knows that's the
last they'll ever see of him.

That's a terrible ending.

It's how the movie Drive ended.

- Ron cried.
- I did.

No, no, the only ending
that makes any sense

is the explosion.

You-You die how you live.

Scarface, Easy Rider,

Butch and Sundance.

Curious George.

He was a little too curious.

Okay, fine, but you
deep clean afterwards,

and I get grateful
acknowledgment in the credits,

plus a swag bag.

We're doing it, we're doing it.

Explode that sweet meat.

Anybody else with a phone, get it out.

We want multiple angles.

Okay, Teddy, cue firecrackers.

Roger.

We do this shot once, people.

Roll camera!

Maybe a mistake.

I've got old meat
inside my headphone jack.

Worth it!

Should a robot be president?

Head or heart? Logic or emotion?

Take a look at the Wagstaff team

to see what emotions
get you. (shuddering)

Let's keep emotions where they belong,

in off-Broadway shows
that my uncle finances.

Robots have no emotions;
they'll keep us safe.

Should a robot be president?

Hell yes.

- Hell yes!
- (bell dings)

I nailed it, we're gonna win.

Rejoinder, Tina Belcher, Wagstaff.

(whines)

Henry, I know I wasted
valuable debate minutes

breaking up with you,

but you're still my debate partner,

and I think maybe we can win this thing.

Let's talk about so-called logic.

I started dating Henry
because it seemed logical

to try a reliable, but
not-remotely-my-type guy.

- (groans)
- Sorry, Henry.

But it was the wrong decision.

I was using my head to do something

that it couldn't handle by itself.

The brain needs the heart
and the heart needs the brain.

I want a president
with both those things,

with feelings, and lips

and a butt and boobs if it's a woman.

- Humans for president.
- (bell dings)

Oh, crap.

She's still amazing.

(mutters incoherently)

Winner, Wagstaff.

Oh, my God, we won!

That's us, right?

Aren't we the Waggies?

When do you go back to New Zealand?

I live here now. I've moved here.

- Well, you're not welcome.
- Aw, that's not right.

- Sorry about everything, Henry.
- It's okay.

You made some good points up there.

And I didn't even think I'd
go on a date until grad school,

so I'm way ahead,
according to Haber-metrics.

There's someone out there for you.

And that's not up for debate.

(sighs) Great summation.

LINDA: Watch out, Meat Man.

It might be a trap!

LOUISE: Don't worry, we'll meat again...

- So you broke up with poor Henry, huh?
- Yeah.

I guess you just can't
talk yourself into love.

I can talk myself into anything.

I like salad now!

Here comes the boffo ending, Dad.

- (sniffles): It's beautiful.
- Yeah.

Aw, Bob. You identify with Meat Man.

(sniffs) I just think
it's a good movie, Lin.

Everybody does. It's the best movie.

Uh, Mom, you have old meat in your ear.

That's collectible. Save it.

(action music playing)

♪ Meat Man ♪

BOB: Does this meat man have a name?

LOUISE: Yes. It's Meat Man.

♪ Meat Man ♪

BOB: I like that.

GENE: "Just a piece of meat"?

♪ Meat Man ♪

Wow.

LOUISE: Meat Man's a survivor.

No, he's not fancy.

He's just a proud, independent
hamburger man.

And when he talks, people listen.

♪ Meat Man! ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.