Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 14 - Aquaticism - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Tina, wrap it up, huh?

You've been at
the touch tank forever.

But I haven't even touched
the sea cucumber.

He's playing hard to get.

Have you done
the penny crusher yet?

Yeah, but I didn't have a penny,

So I crushed our house key.

So, yeah, I think we've done
all there is to do here.

Oh, hi, judy. Feeding time, huh?

No. Just doing a detail job
on the urchin's anus.



Good work if you can get it.

Sure is, but it looks like

I won't be able
to do it much longer.

Why? Did the sea urchin learn
how to brush its own anus?

No. The aquarium
is shutting down.

Wait, what? Huh? Makes sense.

The aquarium is shutting down?

I know. But why?

Well, it's never been
much of a moneymaker,

And this year I can't
even pay my taxes.

But the aquarium can't close.
We love this place. Right?

I mean, right?

Eh, we're not as
touchy-fishy as you are.

Nobody is.



Have you considered
making more money?

I have. That's why I expanded
the key chain section.

To include my handmade jewelry.

They make great gifts.

Well, I mean, they make gifts.

You just need more people
in here.

We could try to rustle up
some customers for you.

We do it all the time
for our family's restaurant.

Hey, guy walking by,

Do you love aquariums?
Sure you do.

I can tell by the way you're
avoiding eye contact with me.

You, lady with the stroller.

Want to take a break and
sit down for the low, low price.

Of four dollars for adults,
two dollars for kids under 12?

No? Okay.

Then it's your fault this place
is closing. Monsters.

And... We cleared
the entire block.

Okay, have a good one.

Wait, they tipped you
eight dollars?

Yup. Geez. That's a huge tip.

I-I don't get tips like that.

Of course not.

Wait, why "of course not"?

Oh, nothing. Never mind.

No. What do you mean, lin?

Sometimes you can
come off a little surly.

What? I'm not surly. Eh.

May I suggest gruff?

Well, you're not conventionally
charming, you know?

And-and charming's
what gets tips.

Uh, I think
you're charming, bob.

Thank you, teddy.

That one time. Mm.

I'm just saying
if you wanted some help.

With your customer relations,
I could give you some pointers.

Uh, I can turn on the charm
if I want to, lin.

I can get tips. Big tips.

Why don't you, uh,
show us what you got?

Okay. I will.

All right.

So, how's everyone
doing this afternoon,

This late afternoon?

Great, thanks.

So, uh, the, uh,
the food is good?

Yes, it is... Good.

Has anyone seen
the weather outside today?

I-I hear it was...
It was windy earlier.

And then not so windy now.

Uh-huh.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I was just leaning
casually on the...

I don't know where to lean.

I'm gonna go let you eat.
I'm gonna leave now.

Oh, my god, that was horrible.

Terrible.

You made everyone
so uncomfortable.

Everyone.

All right, I get it.

Ah, you just need a
little tune-up, is all.

Luckily, I'm an expert,
so you're in good hands.

Do not ask us to work
because we've been hustling.

Our little tushes off
all morning.

Oh, yeah? Where you been?

At the aquarium.
It's shutting down.

You mean the key chain store?

It's an aquarium.

Oh, the little one by the ferry?

Man, I haven't been
there in forever.

No one has. That's why
they can't pay their taxes.

Wait, aren't aquariums
nonprofits?

It's really a key chain
store with fish.

And you're a body odor
store with burgers.

Tina! Sorry. Sorry, dad.

It's too bad they're not a
church or a place of worship.

Then they'd be tax-exempt.

Wait, churches don't pay taxes?

Churches don't pay taxes,
but they're hard to heat,

So it balances out.

Interesting. Right, tina?

I mean, I guess.

I never thought about heating
costs for churches, but sure.

High ceilings,
all those windows...

Not the heating part.
The other part.

Cooling costs?

Ugh. Just come with me.

And they walk you through it.

In 12 to 25 easy steps,

You could become
a tax-exempt place of worship.

The church of aquaticism.

Make up a religion?
I don't know.

Hey, look, I'm not much
of a lyin' brian myself,

But if it means keeping
this place open, then we'll do.

What we got to do and take it
to our graves, right?

So, judy, are you in?

Everybody lies on the internet.
It is not a big deal.

I figured that out the hard way.

Just because a man's e-mail
address has tony danza in it.

Does not mean he's tony danza.

So?

All right.

Let's do it. Yeah.
Who's the boss now?

Wait, what are we doing?

Oh, making up a religion
to get out of paying taxes...

This is giving me queasy knees.

Yeah, that's how you know
you're doing the right thing.

Keep going.

Okay, last question.

"Please provide a brief history
of the church."

I don't know.

All right, all right.

Aquaticism has been making waves
and touching lives.

For over 30 years.

It's been a beacon of light
for lost souls ever since.

Our founders
first put fingers to fish.

Judy, type faster, huh?

"First put fingers to fish" and?

And felt a wave of fulfillment.

And connection and peace.

And a place to go after school.

Judy, could you type
a little faster?

Okay, okay. Oh, boy.

And... Submit.

Sort of surprised you didn't
want to read over it again,

But bing, bam, boom.

Congratulations, everyone.

So... Is this place
a church now?

Did we save the aquarium?

I think we did.

What do we got here?

Aquaticism... All right.

What? Nothing.

That was easy.
What should we do next?

Manipulate the stock market?

What's this?

"Thank you for your application.

"An agent will be in contact.

With you to arrange
an inspection"?

Well played, irs. Oh, my god!

Judy, it's a curve ball,
sure, but we can do this.

What if we can't?

We could get in serious trouble.

Who's "we," grown-up? What?

Don't listen to him,
even though he's right.

Look at me.
Technically, you only.

Have to pass for a church
for what? Like, ten minutes?

You can do that, can't you?

Um... Just got to.

Give this aquarium
a church-over.

Plus a believable
bible and a brief.

But compelling
religious service.

Judy, you got this, right?
We're gonna skedaddle.

Wha...? No, no, no, no.

Gene and louise and I will help.

We'll help every step
of the way.

And when there's only
one set of footprints,

It means we stopped helping.

Bob, watch this;
Watch what I do.

Charm school's in session.

I call this the
tiny tap with a hon.

How's the burger, hon? Great.

All right, hon.

Three-dollar tip minimum,
I guarantee it.

Okay. So you touch customers.

Yeah. And I say "hon."

But it's different if I
do it than if you do it.

What? That's sexist.

Try it. Try it on me.

Okay.

Ew. What was that?

What? I just touched
your shoulder.

It's like you put
a wet lizard on me.

Do it again; Do it better.

Say... and say "hon." okay.

Hon. Ugh.

What? You know what?

Don't touch anybody.

Okay. Did I say the
"hon" right? Or...

No. All right, fine.

I'm gonna go wipe
something down.

Ew. With your wet hands.

Kids, wh-what are you doing
over there?

Making a religion. What?

Doing homework. Oh.

Fake religion homework.
Wha... wait, what?

Nothing.

I got to say, this place looks.

Pretty much like an aquarium.

With a couple of
religious signs slapped up.

But it's not, right?

What? No. I mean, it was,

But it-it's not; It's a church.

I mean, we're trying to get it
registered as a church.

Flanley? Is that your name? Yes.

Is that... Mexican? No.

Huh. Would you like to
meet our youth group?

Uh, oh, okay.

This is the aquaticism
youth group.

The groupers.

They should talk. Now.

Yeah, we're the groupers.

Our youth group is very active
in the church.

You know,
it's a wonderful church.

So wonderful.

And such a church.

Go ahead, agent flanley,
you can ask me anything.

In front of the youth group.

Oh, um...

I need to see some
aquaticism literature.

Oh, we just finished
the literature.

I mean, reading it.
It's so good.

Eh, it's a little preachy.

Uh... Yep. Ye... see it? Yep.

So you saw that. Well,
I got a glimpse of it.

Did you see the drawings?

Ooh-la-la.

And that formatting.

Well, that's about it.
Oh, great.

For the easy questions.

Onto the tough stuff. Oh, great.

Okay, yesterday, in charm
school, you were... Horrible.

I-I wasn't that bad. You were,

But fortunately for you,
I had an idea.

We go with "fun teasing guy."

No touching, just fun teasing.

I-I can do that.

I mean, I think I
already do that,

But tell me what you
think I should do.

First of all, when you're
talking to the customers,

You give 'em the business.

A smidge of the business,
like this.

Watch this, watch me.

Hey, teddy, slow down.

Your stomach called.

It said your mouth needs
to chew your food.

My stomach called.

Ah. That's a good one, lin. Eh.

Wow, it worked on teddy.

Bob. Charm school.

Do it. Go do it.

Uh, okay.

Hey, h-how's everybody doing?
Pretty good.

We're celebrating marty's birthday.
Mm-hmm.

He wanted a burger. Mm-hmm.

Well, by the looks of marty,

It, uh, it may be
his-his last one.

Right?

What, do you think that's funny?

What? No. I'm gonna die soon?

No. I'm-i'm just giving you
the business, sir.

Just a smidge.

Send over the girl
that touches you.

Get outta here. Okay. Lin!

So, when you say "does
your church have."

A distinct
ecclesiastical government,".

You mean, do we...

We do, of course,
have all those things.

So much. Almost too much.

Hey, have we shown you
the touch tank yet?

Okay, we can come back
to that question.

And a bunch of the other ones.

Let me tell you about
this touch tank.

You could come in here no matter
what kind of day you had,

No matter what tammy told
jocelyn you did in p.E.,

That you really did
but hoped no one saw...

Not nose-picking,
just a quick pick...

You can put your hands
in the tank.

For a little while,

And it's like you're a starfish
in a tide pool.

And nothing bothers a starfish
in a tide pool...

Except me touching it.

You should give it a whirl.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't, I don't think so, no.

You might like it,
agent flanley.

Yeah, get in there.

All right, all right,
for a second.

Oh, that is brisk.
Pick up a cucumber.

Oh, oh. Ooh.

Sorry about that. Sorry.

I touched your sea cucumber. Oh.

Wow! Are they, uh, are they
supposed to be this ugly?

Or, or is it sick?

Who's to say?

It's true that they're
not very attractive,

And they move very slowly.

But you know why sea
cucumbers are great?

Uh, no, I don't,
I don't know why.

Because they eat the stuff that
no one else in the ocean wants.

And what they poop out is
cleaner than what they take in.

So basically, these ugly-
slash-beautiful creatures.

Just go along,
constantly making things better.

Than when they found it.

I think we could all learn
from the sea cucumber.

Let me tell you something.

You would not believe the crap.

That people try
to pass off as religions.

Yeah.

I mean, how gullible does
everyone think I am?

But this religion, What
you've got here...

Is special. It is?

It is.

It's beautiful and thoughtful.

It's answering questions
I didn't even know I had.

Totally, bro.

All right, well, here you go.

These are all the
tax documents you need.

As an official place of worship.

You're all set. Really?

You remember where you parked?

Uh, do you need help
to your car?

Judy, do you validate?

Only spiritually.

Okay.

Well, this is good-bye, I guess.
Good-bye.

Yes... You know, i...

I can't shake the feeling.

That I somehow belong here.

Okay, then. E-mail us anytime.
Oh, look at this.

Your church has
some neat activities lined up.

Singles mixer tomorrow.

That sounds fun.

Oh. Is that tomorrow?

Actually, I think that
schedule's wrong, judy.

All the singles...
Died and then, um...

You know, if it's okay with
you, I-i'd love to dip my toes.

Into aquaticism, so to speak,

And maybe come back
tomorrow, off the clock.

Not as agent flanley,
just as roger.

It's not my name; It's
just what I would come back as.

I'm kidding.
Not about coming back.

I'm coming back.
But about my name.

My name is roger.

So many jokes all of a sudden.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm nervous.

I'm not! Can I interject?

We will see you tomorrow, roger.
If that's your name.

I had trouble following
your very funny joke.

Great! Okay, well, I can't wait
to meet more of the congregation.

At the singles mixer. Bye! I'll see you
tomorrow night! No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Crap.

We don't have a congregation.

Right. Crap.

But we're all single!

Guys, lying about having a fake
church is probably immoral.

And lying to the irs
is definitely illegal.

Singles mixers are not illegal,

But if they're good,
they are immoral, am I right?

Dad, come on. We're saving
a small-time aquarium.

And saving souls.
Maybe. You don't know.

It sounds like a really,
really bad idea.

I'm in! Wait, what?

Bless you, mother.

Eh, it sounds fun.

Singles mixer for a good cause.

Let's go. Why not?

Uh, because it's fraud?

Right? Anybody? What?

Don't you want to say
you saved an aquarium?

You owe it to the fish. With
all those poops you've flushed.

Into the ocean. That's
not how flushing works,

But, fine, I'll go.

Mort, teddy, what do you say?

Are you kidding?
I was born single.

I was gonna pick up my mom
at the airport tomorrow night,

But she can take a cab.

She's not that blind. I mean,
she can still see shapes.

And, remember, you're
all devout aquaticists.

Did I hear something
about a singles mixer?

Because I'm seeing someone
right now,

But I'm always stacking backups!

Pretty convincing mixer, huh?

It's awkward and sad.

That feels right.
We might be good here.

C-can I ask you something?

Where did you find
this amazing jewelry?

It's like fish but jewelry.

I love it. You love the jewelry?

Yeah. Nobody loves the jewelry.

You know, I make it myself.

You made all these? Did you go
to jewelry school or something?

No. Did you go to irs school?

You wish.
You know what, now I'm worried.

This might be going too well.

That guy is having
way too much fun.

Isn't that good? No. He's
never going to leave.

He's gonna want to come back
week after week.

To services that don't exist.

How long do we have to keep
coming to this place?

Are we gonna have to raise
our children in this church?

Ah! Guys, we got to make him.

Reconsider a life of aquaticism.

Hello, all. Agent flanley,
you are really starting.

To get into this religion, aren't you?
You know, I'm n...

I'm not gonna lie, I'm...
I-i am feeling it.

Yeah. Okay. Just so you know,

Aquaticism isn't for everyone.

Because our baptism ceremony is,

Well, let's just say,
challenging.

Challenging? How so?

To join aquaticism,
you have to...

Submerge yourself
in the jellyfish tank.

Oh, god, you do?
Yeah. D... Judy.

Don't... Don't... No, I mean you...
Oh, boy, do you.

Yeah. Don't jellyfish sting?

Oh, you better believe it.

They sting and sting and
sting and sting ow.

And sting and sting and sting!
Ah. Ah. Ow, ow, ow.

It's awful!

It's like circumcision
for your whole body,

Except your penis.

But it's the only way
to show you're truly dedicated.

And also you can't eat
ice cream, you can't go.

To the movies, and you have
to sleep in your jeans.

So, yeah, that's aquaticism
for ya. Have fun at the mixer!

That should do it.

Hello. I'm bob.

Hello. I'm linda.

I noticed you
sauntering over here.

Yeah, I noticed
you drinking over here.

Uh, a lot.

Seems like a single fella like
you is using his charm on me.

Is that what I'm seeing?
I might be making.

A charm-esan sandwich, yeah.

I love sandwiches.

Yeah, well,
you smell like you do.

Thank you. You smell,
uh, interesting.

You got a toothbrush at home
or you still shopping around?

How 'bout I, uh, use yours?

I have to say... Bob, was it?

My charm alarm is
ringing off the hook.

Should I let it go to voice
mail and we keep talking?

So, wait, it's an alarm
that has voice mail?

I don't... Get it.

Hello, single people
at this mixer.

Who I've never met before,

Or if we have met,
it was casually at services.

I'm teddy. Hi, teddy. I'm bob.

Looking good.
I mean, it's rather tight.

It's from prom. Not my prom.

So, who wants a drink?
You? You? You?

I'll have one! All right.
How 'bout you, bob?

You want a drink?
You look like you could use one.

Why don't you loosen up?
It's a mixer, I don't...

You know what I mean?
Teddy, calm down.

What? It's fine, bob. It's fun.

It's not fun.
No, it's fun! He's...

Well, he hit me on the shoulder,
so I didn't like that.

I'm gonna go...
Look at some fish.

Oh, my god! I love this song!

Hey, who wants to touch
the crabs in my touch tank?

Linda, look at this! It's
called a tuscaloosa twister!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh!

So violent and
uncomfortable-looking! Yep!

May I cut in? You get the
hell out of here, mort!

Dancing away!

I-is it always like
this at the church,

So fun, so positive?

It sure is, probably!

Well, then I am ready.

You're taking off your shoes.
That's fun.

'Kay. Oh, you're taking off your...
Shirt.

Yeah. I'm sure there's
a reason for that.

There we go.

Okay, I have a question.

Why did you take off
all your clothes?

Because I am ready
to face my fears.

I am ready to join aquaticism!

Oh.

I am ready
to get into that jellyfish tank!

Yeah! Let's all get tanked!

No, that's a bad idea. They'll sting you.
No, I know, I know.

I want them to. I mean, I don't.

But I want to experience it.

I want to join the church.

Aw, that's beautiful,
but, you know what,

I-I don't think it's, um...

stinging season.

I don't know if I'll have
the nerve another time.

It's-it's got to be now!

Okay, so do I go into shock?
Is there a medic on hand?

Uh, there's a mortician.

Hello!
I'm not sure what's happening.

Okay. Here we go. One! Two!

Aquaticism!

It's fake! It's fake!
It's all fake!

It's not a real religion! We
lied to get out of paying taxes!

Hey, they're not stinging me.

Wait, did you just say
it's all fake?

No. Come on out.
Your skin's gonna get all pruny.

No, seriously. Did you just say
aquaticism is a fake religion?

Can you please just get out?!

We can talk about this
outside the jellyfish tank!

Don't try to change the subject,
judy!

Irs guy! Get out of the tank!

So is this whole place fake?!

Are the jellyfish fake, too?

I guess they are, because
I'm not even getting stu...

Oh! Oh! Oh, god! Oh!

Agent flanley, there are
some children here for you.

Did you order three children?

Hmm. No, I didn't.
But send them down.

Must be nice.

So, you guys are
here because...?

We heard you're not gonna
prosecute judy for tax fraud.

Which is very generous. I mean,
the aquarium is still closing

'cause business stinks, but
better than going to jail. Yay.

So we came to give you
this "we're sorry" card.

We didn't mean
for you to get hurt.

We just wanted you to believe
the church was real.

And then you joined it. And
then we didn't know what to do.

Man, we must have done quite a
job to make a smart guy like you.

Believe in our fishy shtick.

Well, in retrospect,
there were red flags.

Really,
everything was a red flag.

Even our red flags? Yeah.

I guess I was just blinded...
By judy.

I mean, she's just really great.

Wait, you had a crush on judy?

I did. I thought
I was into aquaticism,

But I guess I was into judy.

You should call her! Go to her.

Nah. She doesn't want to see me.

Plus, I'm very busy.

Excuse me while I apply
my medicated lotion.

Roger, could you not do that?
It's just the smell. I'm sorry.

Right, right. I guess
I'll just itch and be in pain.

Thank you.
Okay. We about done here, kids?

No, wait, roger,
don't give up on judy.

We may have made a mess
of a fake religion,

But you two sea cucumbers
took it in.

And maybe pooped out love.

Or at least a date. Possibly?

No. As we say in the irs,

That case is closed.

Thanks for coming!

Yes! A ten-dollar tip!
Look at this.

Linda,
look at this ten-dollar bill.

Well, how about that, huh?

You're like
a runaway charm train.

Ooh, excuse me.
Hello. And welcome.

Right this way.

Wow. Look at bob, huh?

Getting the big tips. Kinda.

That last table
left him two bucks,

And I swapped it out for a ten.

The poor schmuck needed a win.

Especially now
that we're dating, right?

Just kidding,
just kidding. Right?

So, judy, you think you might
want to give roger a chance?

Oh, I'm sure he was
just being nice.

He doesn't want to go out
with a tax cheat like me.

We're just gonna take a little
trip to the beach. That's all.

Hi, judy.

Roger?

I thought I smelled that lotion.

Y-you know, I-i didn't get
a chance to say some things.

The last time we saw each other.

Yeah, those paramedics
were in such a rush.

I had a thought.
That's why I came over.

You could keep this place
in business.

By renting it out for parties.

Like the aquaticism party.

But with less tax fraud.

You think that would work?

Yeah, it's a thought.

Might help your bottom line.

That's accounting talk.

A-also, kind of unrelated,

Would you ever want to get
a cup of coffee with me, maybe?

I mean, we could each get
our own coffee, not just.

One cup, where we're both trying.

To drink out of it
at the same time...

Okay. Let's do it!
The two-cup thing.

Or the one. Either one.
I'm open. Great!

I mean, we could do
the two now and then...

Is this going well?
I can't tell.

This is going really well.

I got to say, tina, I didn't get
what you saw in this place.

But I-i kind-kinda get it now.

Mm-hmm. You guys want to
stay for a little while.

And kinda jellyfish out?

I call that one.
Oh, wait, that one's dead.

I'm gonna look at this one.
Gene, you want.

To look at that one? On it!

Hey, hey, hey!
Linda, look at this!

Whoa! Whoa!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.