Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - The Grand Mama-Pest Hotel - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Okay. Thanks, Mr. Frond.

I'm gonna be the most fun
chaperone you ever worked with.

I'll be your one and chaperone-Ly.

- Oh, he hung up.
- So you're in, Mom?

Yeah. Me and my teeny Tina are
off to the Heroine Conference.

Heroin Conference?

What do you mean, like a jazz concert?

That really isn't the best name.

What would you call

a weekend-long empowerment
gathering for girls



with speeches from
important female leaders?

Sex and the City 3.

Oh, I can't wait.

We haven't had special Mama-Tina time

since we got stuck in the elevator

at your orthodontist's.

Aw, we thought we were
gonna die, remember?

Yeah.

And, uh, what are we gonna
do while they're gone?

Enjoy all that extra room
without their boobs in the way?

Mm... Maybe something
easy that costs nothing?

- Tickle party?
- Eh.

- Armpit farts?
- Hmm, I'd... Yeah, I'd do that.

Okay, listen up.



- Listen up.
- This is an overnight field trip.

And you are teenagers.

- So we are not fooling around here.
- Nope.

If you break the rules,
you will be sent home.

- That's right.
- Notice this firm, commanding voice?

It's my tough voice.

And when ya hear it, ya better fear it.

So let's hear it. Let's
hear that tough voice.

- Come on.
- What? I just did it. That-that was it.

- That was... That was the tough...
- Oh. That was it.

- That was it right there.
- That was it.

Oh, my God, Tammy,

I'm so glad we're rooming together.

Me, too. We're gonna stay up late

and pretend it's our apartment

and we're so tired of the dating scene.

Who are you rooming with, Tina?

I'm rooming with a cool, older girl

who happens to be married to my dad.

- The bus driver?
- No, my mom.

- Me! Up top.
- Here you go.

Cool.

- Yeah.
- Very cool.

All right, people, as many of you know,

this year's Heroine Conference keynote

is being delivered by none
other than Bernadette Baker.

- Who's she?
- She's an astronaut

who flew two missions to the
International Space Station

and is also a black belt in karate.

- We're reading her book in class.
- Ooh.

She's so mad at the Moon. I love it.

Linda, please. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Here's something fun and mandatory...

Write down one question for Ms. Baker.

If the conference people
pick your question,

you'll get to ask it
yourself during the Q&A.

Whoa. Did you hear that, Mom?

Huh? What? No.

I-I'm a chaperone, I don't
have to listen to him.

There's our guy.

So... no dames tonight.

Just us boys. So what are we doing?

Yeah, wow us, Pops.

Uh, we could watch a movie.

Maybe, like, a guy movie?

Hmm. Like what?

Magic Mike? Finally?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe something else.

Great. Let's close up this slop shop

and get to it.

We're not closing early, Louise.

Why not? The only person
who comes in here is Teddy,

and you can just leave
his burger on the sidewalk.

Yeah, like Mom does. Wait, what?

She puts 'em on a plate.

It's called class.

Wow. I've never seen

so many girls my age
in one place before.

That's because we don't
tell you where we hang out.

It's not the mall.

Okay, do I have everyone's questions

for the astronaut?

Let's see. Tammy Larson asks,

"How do you poop in space?"

It's a serious question.

How does anyone poop anywhere?

Okay. "How do you pee in space?"

"How do you poop in space?" Another pee.

"How do aliens poop?" Okay, here we go.

"Who inspired you to go to space?"

A thoughtful question from Tina.

Thanks, Mr. Frond.

Glad we didn't go with
the poop question, huh?

I know.

Mrs. Belcher, would you
mind getting us checked in?

Sure. Check me out, getting checked in.

Nice, Mom.

What chapter are you on?

Uh, the one before she goes to space

but after she started karate.

That's a good one.

I'm Tina. But my friends call me Blaze.

They don't. I don't
know why I said that.

I'm Dillon.

I hear that.

Sorry. I don't know
why I said that, either.

It's okay.

I get this way on field trips.

I get it. When I went to camp,

I said my name was Dallas,
and I was from Houston.

I hear that.

- Hey, it kind of worked that time.
- Yeah.

Okay, it looks like your block of rooms

is good to go.

Make sure to join us
for the buffet breakfast

by our beautiful water feature.

Ooh, water feature.

Smells like chlorine. Nice!

Now, for your room, would
you like one key or two?

Two. For me and my daughter slash BFF.

- We're roomies.
- That's so sweet.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Right? Wait, what?

Hi, I'm Amy.

I'm a chaperone this weekend.

Hi. Me, too. Linda.

What do you mean, "Enjoy
it while it lasts"?

Well, how old's your daughter?

Thirteen.

Oh. Yeah.

My daughter's 13, too.

When we started the year,
she let me talk to her.

And be seen with her.

And chew food around her.

You can't chew food around her?

To be fair, I chew weird.

I chew weird.

Really weird.

Aw, but Tina's Tina.

She's Mama's little girl.

That's your daughter? She's
talking to my daughter.

They're coming over here. How do I look?

- Mom, can I...
- Mom, I want to...

Wait, is that...

This is your mom, too? Are we sisters?

This is fun.

The chaperone-ettes find
each other in a crowd.

- Hi, Dillon!
- No, thanks.

Okay!

Mom, Dillon and I were wondering
if we could room together?

What? Room together? What?

I was gonna have a room to myself,

but this'll be more fun.

Oh, then I could room with you, Linda.

I was gonna drive home tonight

and then drive back in the morning.

It's just four hours away.

Tina, what about our
mommy-daughter weekend?

Mom, please?

Uh, okay. Sure. But if
you change your mind,

- I'll be right here in the...
- Yay! Thanks, Mom.

Welcome to the Rejected Moms Club.

It's probably a joke. Yeah, and...

Tina's gonna come back
any second and say,

"Not!" Or "Psyche!"

See?

♪ There's my little girl. ♪

I accidentally pushed the "door
open" button. Bye, Mom.

Oh.

So, two chaperones sharing a room.

Do you snore? 'Cause I snore.

It would be fun if we both snored.

I can't believe Tina ditched me

for some girl she just met.

Eh, they'll like us again
by the time they're 30.

Get a hobby. I scrapbook.

That's Dillon's report card.

That's a thing she dropped in the car.

Huh. Lot of pictures of her sleeping.

Mm-hmm. It's almost as good

as actually hanging out with
Dillon and talking to her.

- Right. That's not completely sad.
- No, it is.

Okay. Uh, I'm gonna go check on Tina.

You sure you don't want
to scrap it out with me?

Aah... Little scrap sesh?

- No...
- I have scalloping shears.

- Snip, snip.
- Uh...

No. No, thanks. No snip, snip.

Okay.

Guy movies. Uh, I've got
a young Clint Eastwood.

Nice.

- I've got middle-aged Charles Bronson.
- Yes.

And I've got old Michael Caine. Mm.

And I've got Bachelor Party,

which is probably not appropriate.

Tom Hanks in the '80s?
Please and Hank you.

Well, at least that's
got "party" in the title.

What even happens at a
bachelor party, anyway?

Like, what happened at yours, Dad?

Uh, I'm not sure I had one.

That good, huh?

Oh, my God. This is perfect.

- Wait. What's perfect?
- Don't you see?

This is the Mom-less,

Tina-free fun we've been looking for.

Dad, we're gonna give you

the bachelor party you never had.

A dad-chelor party.

Guys, no. I don't want a bachelor party.

- I don't need one at all.
- Dad-chelor party!

One last night of fun

before you marry that old bag Linda.

Hi, Mom.

Uh, what's up?

Just checking in.

- Oh, wh...
- Yeah, whatcha doing?

What's this?

Reading tarot cards.

Which I have done before.

As you well know.

Ooh, tarot cards, freaky.

Come on, deal me in. What's wild?

Uh, Mom, it doesn't work that way.

Good chaperoning, though.

I think we're all set here. Good night.

Oh, I get what's going on.

You think the mean, pretty chaperone

came to crack down on your fun.

Well, I left my
chaperone hat in my room.

My room key, too. I forgot my room key.

- Ha. Good one, Linda. Ha.
- Well, sounds like

you got a lot going on, so...

Hey, I got an idea.

How about we get out
of this stuffy old room

and do something really fun?

But Mr. Frond said if we leave
the room we'll get sent home.

Aw, don't worry about Mr. No-Fun Frond.

You're with me.

Wow, Tina. Your mom's... a lot.

That's right, random new friend.

Come on, let's do it!

Fun, right?

We're walking around.

Ooh, look, someone got room service.

Mom, this was nice but I think
Dillon and I should go back now.

Why? We haven't even
gotten to the fun part yet.

What is the fun part?

The fun part, Dillon, is we're gonna...

take the fries and spell out "hello."

In fries! Ha! Great prank.

And that's a prank because... ?

Well, if you don't get
it, you don't get it.

Another round of shots, gentlemen?

Ugh. I think I've had
all the apple juice

I can stomach, Louise.

That's a yes. Gene?

Yeah! Speeches! Speeches!

Let me tell you something
about this son of a bitch.

Gene's cut off. No speech.

Oh, boo.

Having a good time, Dad?

Oh, yeah.

Should we call it a night?

- I'll get it!
- Oh, no. Who's at the door?

Maybe somebody ordered a sexy surprise?

Bachelor party!

- You invited Teddy?
- We kept it small.

What, do you want to
go wide with this list?

Make room on the couch, Bob. Make room.

Uh... Louise, pour me one.

- Hit me.
- Bam. Here's one.

Give me another one.

I got to catch up.

There it goes.

Soda in the elevator.

Yup. There it goes.

Perfect prank.

Oh, yawn.

Dillon, are you yawning?

I think we're both yawning.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe we should both go to bed.

Bed? What?

But the most fun part
hasn't happened yet.

We're gonna, uh... Huh.

Mom? What are you doing?

I don't know, what am I doing?

Just popping the top off
this little bottle of shampoo,

and, uh...

- Mom, no!
- Whoa.

It's fun! You do it.

I don't... really want to.

What about you, Dillon? Huh?

Better than tarot cards, right?

Uh, I don't know if you
can really compare the two?

Aw, party sham-poopers.

It's starting to foam.

Come on, get in on this.

Our water feature!

Is someone throwing shampoo
into our water feature? No!

Okay. Uh, uh, okay. All right.

Let's go. Let's go. Just go.

Oh, Mr. Frond!

- Linda.
- Oh, no.

Yeah. As in, "Oh, no, you didn't."

Eh, at least he didn't
do his tough voice.

That was my tough voice.

Yeah, no, yeah.

♪ Eh, ah, ooh, ah. ♪

Gene, seriously, no
more apple juice for you.

I can't believe you're
getting married, Bobby!

Teddy, maybe take it down a notch.

Hello? Sorry, I, uh, I can't hear you.

Guys, turn the music down!

I heard, "Turn it up"?

- Bob?
- Linda? Is everything okay?

I need you to come here.

What? You're two hours away.

What's going on?

Uh, there's been some trouble,

and someone's getting sent home.

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Guys, volume.

Pressing bass boost.

Tina's being sent home?

Uh, someone else.

Guys, please! Sorry, Lin,

we're having a bachelor party.

He's getting cold feet, Mom.

This phone call's not helping.

- I said...
- Aah!

I got in trouble and
I'm getting sent home!

- Oh, my God.
- I dance-kicked the stereo.

Oh you're on the phone. Sorry, Bob.

Thanks for waiting for
your dad with me, Tina.

Ha. It's not the silent treatment,

if that's what you're thinking.

She's probably just trying to come up

with the perfect little
joke to lighten up the mood.

Sometimes it takes her hours.

- Hi, everyone. This is... awkward.
- You think?

I don't know, I'm liking the vibe.

Now that your ride is here,
I'm going to get some rest.

I suggest you do the same, Tina.

You're gonna be talking to
Bernadette Baker tomorrow.

What? Tina, they picked your question?

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to, Mom, but you were too busy

embarrassing me and being crazy!

I'm not sure that lightened the mood.

Linda, what did you do, exactly?

- Nothing. It was nothing.
- It wasn't nothing.

We have a beautiful water
feature in our courtyard

and your wife threw
shampoo bottles into it.

The courtyard is covered in lather.

I guess we're calling anything
a courtyard these days, huh?

Please remove your wife.
She is no longer welcome here

at the Brewster Courtyard Gardens Hotel.

But your motto is "You're always welcome

at the Brewster
Courtyard Gardens Hotel."

- Not you! Not anymore.
- Mom?

- Yes, sweetie?
- You should just go.

- You really embarrassed me tonight.
- Tina, no. I'm going to bed.

I can't remember which room I'm in,
but I'm sure I'll recognize the door.

She's gonna be wandering
around up there all night.

Yep. She belongs to the hotel now.

Embarrassed her? I embarrassed her?

Dad, we're not driving all
the way back tonight, are we?

I mean, it's after midnight.

Well, it's not like we can stay here.

Your mom is banned. A lot.

Hello? There's a motel
right across the street.

- Ugh.
- Yes!

Every good dad-chelor party

ends at a motel just like that.

Well, I am really tired.

There's the party animal.

It's not like Tina to
blow me off like that.

She didn't mean anything by it.

I mean, she definitely meant it.

But she won't tomorrow. As much.

I mean, let's sleep.

We should just sleep.

No way! Bachelor party rules:

you can pass out but you can't sleep.

Fine, I'm passing out.

Then I guess you're cool
with your face being drawn on.

Mm... if it's tasteful.

- Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
- Oh, yeah.

_

There she is.

My teeny Tina.

Aw.

Tina, Wha... what's going on?

You're embarrassing me, Mom!

What the... ?

Tina. Don't run away from Mommy.

Hi, Linda!

Want to borrow my scalloping shears?

Shears, shears...

No... !

Scalloping shears!

I'm losing Tina.

Mm... I want scallops.

I got most of the pen off my face.

Thanks, guys, for that.

Wait'll you see what
we wrote on your back.

Lin, you coming?

What if... Hear me out for a second...

- This is gonna be good.
- Mm-hmm.

What if, instead of going home,

we sneak into the hotel to
see Tina ask her question

to the lady astronaut?

Oh. Not as good as I
thought it was gonna be.

Linda, that's a really bad idea.

We should probably give Tina
some breathing room right now.

I'm losing her, Bob.

I need to get into that conference.

But you're not allowed
back in the hotel.

Well... I could wear a disguise.

- A disguise?
- I'm back on board.

See? That's why you're
gonna marry this gal.

You really want to do this?

I need to do this.

Okay, red flags all over the place,

but let's go get you a disguise.

Let's see, we've got sunglasses,

but that's a little boring.
How about a bandanna?

They come in camouflage
or pink camouflage.

- Pink camouflage.
- Mother, good choice.

Great choice. May I make a suggestion?

This T-shirt makes it look
like you're wearing a bikini.

That's pretty good.

- It's perfect.
- We'll take two.

How do I look?

Like someone who swallows cigarettes

for free drinks at bars.

All right. It says Bernadette
Baker goes on in 15 minutes.

An astronaut and a karate expert?

Pick a lane.

That's her.

What?

Uh, I got to... pee.

Uh, you guys find seats,
and I'll be right back.

Huh.

Oh, Louise.

What are you up to, Mom?

What? Nothing.

Okay, fine, I'll tell you,
but don't tell your father.

I can't get through to
Tina, but you know what can?

Some strong heroine.

Now you go to the
seats and cover for me.

Mama's going backstage.

- Wait, wait, Mom.
- What?

Price tag. You would
have looked ridiculous.

Uh-oh.

Bernadette Baker's
keynote is in ten minutes.

Tina, since you're asking a question

you should sit by the aisle.

Okay. Uh, can I sit
with my friend Dillon?

She's from another school.

She's from another school.

Yeah, we get it. You made a friend.

Yeah, Tina, we get it.

Good morning.

Hey.

How are you enjoying your stay?

Oh, fine, fine. Great fountain.

Thank you.

Zero gravity. Zero fear.

Bernadette,

you are cleared for takeoff.

Excuse me.

Are you Bernadette Baker?

Ooh, sorry, you're just a lady.

I thought you were my sensei testing me.

He wears that bandanna as well.

- Where's your mom?
- You know Mom.

She loves her hotel bathrooms.

And they fear her.

I still can't believe your mom.

Those were some crazy,
smother-mother moves last night.

Yeah. As Bernadette would
say, "Give me some space."

Ugh, my mom's trying
to invade my eye space.

- Uh?
- Uh-uh.

- Uh? Uh?
- No, not happening.

So, that's not a bikini?

No. I'm in a disguise.

- Okay.
- My real identity?

Well, let's just say I'm
a mother with a daughter.

- You're a mother, right?
- I am not a mother.

I thought it said you
were a mother in your book.

It did not say that.

I did not read it.

I think I-I have to go on now.

- Wait, wait. Listen, Bernadette.
- Mm?

At the end of your speech,
my daughter is gonna ask

who inspired you to go to space,

and I need you to say, "My mother."

I'm sorry, you want me to do what?

My daughter doesn't
understand the importance

of a mommy-daughter relationship.

She thinks I'm embarrassing.

That's crazy.

Why would she think that?

I know. Listen, you
can set her straight.

Ms. Baker? They're ready for you.

I have to go now,

and I want to go.

- Hey, look at me.
- Hmm?

- I like you, too.
- Sure.

It's my pleasure to introduce

this year's Heroine
Conference keynote speaker,

a woman who is truly out of this world,

Bernadette Baker.

Uh, thank you.

Thank you so much for being here today.

And thank you to myself,
which is also important.

So, in conclusion,

outer space, determination and karate.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wow, I am inspired.

- Are you inspired?
- Are you crying?

- Absolutely, yeah.
- Time for the Q&A.

If your question was picked,

please line up behind
one of the microphones.

Okay. Here it comes.

- What?
- Nothing, nothing.

Okay.

If you were going to space again

and you could only bring
one CD, what would it be?

Dave Matthews Band, Live At
Red Rocks. Great question.

No one's from Mars, no one's
from Venus, end of discussion.

The crotch, the throat and
the eyes, in that order.

Practice at home.

Next question. Go ahead.

Hi. I'm Tina. I'm 13 years old.

And I'd like to know, who
inspired you to go to space?

- Oh. Hmm.
- Come on, astronaut lady.

Lin, shh.

- You shush.
- Sorry.

The person who inspired me

to go to space was...

Say it. Say it.

... my seventh-grade chemistry teacher.

What?! No, no.

Linda, what are you doing?

Uh, yes, go ahead?

Why do you go to space?

Everything's here.

This question again.

Okay, well, let me first say...

Uh, excuse me, Bernadette.

Um, back to that last girl's question:

are you sure you answered
that one correctly?

Mom?!

Is there someone else who inspired you?

Someone in your family, maybe?

Um, I don't think that
this is, uh, the time...

Uh-huh, uh-huh, like, um, um,

what's it called when you're
not the daddy but you're the... ?

I have a follow-up to the follow-up.

What happens if your mom acts
crazy and wears a disguise

to sneak into a thing,
even though you told her

- she couldn't come?
- Oh, God.

Um, um, what if the mom
only did that because

her daughter has been
blowing her off all weekend?

What if she wasn't blowing anyone off,

she just wanted to hang out
with her new friend her own age?!

Huh, Bernadette?!

- Uh...
- A mom can be a friend,

right, Bernadette?

Would a friend embarrass you,

and pour shampoo in a
fountain, Bernadette?

Pouring shampoo in a fountain

is not embarrassing, it's really cool.

All right, I'm beginning to suspect that

that is Linda Belcher.

And you, Linda, are not welcome here.

Shush, Frond. I got one more question.

What if the mom only did that
stuff 'cause she was afraid?

'Cause she thought her daughter was

turning into a different person,

someone who thinks it's
weird to be close to her mom.

Okay, that's a damn good
disguise, but the jig is up.

- Come with me.
- Mom...

I don't think it's
weird to be close to you.

You did embarrass me last night,

and a lot right now, and I'm
sure a lot more in the future,

but I'm lucky I have a mom I'm close to,

and I don't ever want that to change.

Aw. My teeny Tina.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.

- Sorry. Let me get through.
- Pardon me. Sorry.

Was that meant for me?
That was meant for me.

Too much, Mom. Too much.

Can't stop now.

This was a horrible idea.

Excuse me. Come on. Time to go.

Okay, okay. I'm hugging my daughter.

Should I go with you, Mom?

No. Stay. Stay. Have fun with Dillon.

Okay. Thanks. But could you,

um, let go of my wrist.

Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry. Yeah.

Sorry, Bernadette.

I-I guess I got to leave,

but I just wanted to say thank you.

It was a great story, and
you're a real inspiration.

Best bachelor party ever!

I-I-It's my bachelor party.

Bob, we got to go!

Uh, that-that's my
wi... I, uh... fiancée.

Let's get these two
crazy kids to the altar!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.