Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Hauntening - full transcript

(door bell tinkles)
Hi, everyone.

Hey, Teddy.
Hi, Teddy.

Hi, little witch.
(music plays, witch chatters)

Aah!
It has a motion sensor.

It's okay, Teddy.
Calm down.

(whoops)
Look at her go.

She's all that and a pointy hat.
Is it me,

or is she just doing the same
thing over and over again?

How's it work?
It's electronic.

Just move your hand in front of it.
Aah!

I just explained it.
Turn it off!



She won't stop making
eye contact with me!

Aw, come on, Teddy.
Tomorrow's Halloween.

We're trying to get into
the holiday spirit. Boo!

Yeah, we're even taking
the kids

to a haunted house
this afternoon.

It's an annual tradition.

Like when Dad replaces
all the sponges.

Sponge Day!

They last longer
than you think.

Ugh! Again with
the haunted houses?

I think I'll pass this year.

What's the matter, Louise?
You don't like being scared?

Are you kidding?
I would love to be scared.

The problem is I see
every scare coming a mile away.



Don't you?
Why doesn't everyone?

(groans, stammers)

Haunted houses are so dumb.

Oh, a coffin.
Real original.

I wonder if something's
gonna pop out of there.

(evil laughter) Aah! Aah!

(honks nose)
SCARY CLOWN: Oh.

(growls)
GENE & TINA: Aah! Okay,

maybe wear less cologne
next time.

Smell kind of gave you away.
He smells terrifying.

(mimicking chainsaw)
Sir...

you're making chainsaw noises
with your mouth.

Sorry.
Yeah.

(sighs)
It's not fair.

Tina and Gene can be scared
by anything.

Watch.
Aah! Aah! Clapping!

And look at Teddy.
He gets scared by a toy witch.

(music plays, witch chatters)
Aah! Get out of here!

Be nice to her.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.

There. There's
your little hat.

See? I want that.
I mean, not that exactly

but something like that.
That rush!

That's a shame, Louise.
Hey, could I trouble you

for another side of... pickles!
TINA & GENE: Aah!

Nice try, Mort.
It's just not gonna work.

I can't be scared.
It's a curse.

Could I still get those pickles?
No.

Oh.
I'm upset.

Louise, what if I told you
this is the year

you finally get scared? Because
this haunted house is special.

How is it special?
Is there a VIP list?

Will there be any
Hollywood bigwigs there?

Is anyone from
Murphy Brown coming?

It's special because your
father and I planned it!

Wait, what? You two
made a haunted house?

Yep. It's in a secret location.

We've been working on it
all week.

You might want to wear pants
you don't care about

'cause you're gonna
be peein' in 'em!

Scare me enough and I'll pee in your pants.
Deal.

Mom's bringing the scary
and Dad's bringing the hairy.

Did you guys know about this?
No. No.

Okay.
Where is it?

You'll see.
We should probably have a safeword.

I vote for,
"Mom and Dad, stop it."

All right! If you
got it, haunt it.

♪ When I see you I fall apart ♪

♪ Like a zombie,
I got too nervous... ♪

Dad, this is the new Boyz 4 Now song.
That's great, Tina.

It just dropped today.
Don't say "dropped."

LOUISE & GENE: Dropped.
Okay, okay.

I've never been
in this neighborhood before.

Looks like a lot of
old people live here.

See, it's already getting good.
Old people are scary.

Being an old person is scary.
Right, Mom and Dad?

Mm.
Hey!

It is.

LINDA:
Here we are.

I mean... (scarily):
here we are.

Now give your mom and me exactly
four minutes to go inside

and finish setting up.
And then...

enter if you dare.

Wait! I don't get it!

Did you guys buy a house
just to haunt?

It's complicated!
We'll explain later!

What's the plan? You gonna
flip this mamma jamma?

Gonna need a paint job!

LOUISE: All right,
let's see what

the old kooks have cooked up.

GENE: I hope
it's not Dad in sandals.

TINA: Yeah, his toes
are a nightmare.

Welcome!

Nice to creep you.

Allow me
to intro-boo myself.

I am the ghostess
with the mostess!

Hi, Mom.
I am not your mother.

I am Lady Bobbenstein,

made in a lab from parts
of beautiful dead women.

And they didn't have any
other ankles? Just asking.

Gene! No, they're good.
They're good. They're fine.

Ooh... lightning!

Aah! That could cause
a seizure!

Now, won't you join me

for a tour of our
spooky home laboratory?

Oh, yeah, there's nothing
scarier than a tour.

Let's do this!

Yeah. Follow me

to the mad scientist
who stitched me together,

Dr. Bobbenstein!

Hello. Here in my lab,

I store human body parts
to make my monsters.

Aah! That wig is scary
and so are the countertops!

I know! I can't look at them!
And what's up with that backsplash?

Uh-oh! There's rats tickling your toes!
Aah! Aah!

And now please stick your hand
into this doctor box to feel...

human eyes!

Uh...

Huh.
Excuse me, Doctor,

I think you might need a refill
on eyeballs.

Wh-What do you mean?
There's nothing in here.

Do you guys need some time
to work this out?

Uh, hold on, hold on.
Just give us a second. Okay.

(quietly): Lin, did you forget
to put the grapes in the box?

You were supposed to get
the grapes. I got the spaghetti.

Okay, fine, just skip it.
Skip it.

Lady Bobben-steen...
Bobbenstein.

Stein. It appears
your stitches are coming undone.

Oh, no!
My intestines!

Aah!
Yuck!

Mom, angel hair?
What? It's all we had.

It's just...
that's the least scary pasta.

It's in the name.

And now, while I stitch
Lady Bobbenstein back up,

get ready for the next part

of our haunted tour.

I smell a costume change!

You guys, I think I know
what this haunted house needs.

Grapes? Should
I call my guy?

No, Gene.
It needs scares.

Someone in this house
should get spooked.

I was spooked.
A little.

Were you?
Maybe not.

I was either scared
or chilly.

I was confused and anxious.

I say we show Mom and Dad
how it's done.

You mean scare Mom and Dad
in their own haunted house?

That's right. Let's turn
our parents into "scare-ents."

Yeah! And then back into parents
in time for bath and bed.

How are we gonna scare
Mom and Dad?

Dad's scared of failure.

Where do we find some of that?

Let's look in the cupboards.

No, no, no.
Just follow my lead.

LINDA:
And now for your next haunt,

walk down the hallway,

but whatever you do,
don't open the closet door!

Wow! This might be the scariest
haunted house I've ever been to!

Okay, here we come!
Right, guys?

Yeah, we're coming
down the hall!

Frightened and afraid!

Aah! Two-headed monster!
Aah...!

Where are the kids?
I don't know.

It sounded
like they were right here.

Kids?
Gene? Louise? Tina?

Look, Bob,
the back door is open.

Kids? Kids!
We don't even know this area.

They could be anywhere!
Don't panic. Let's look around.

We'll find them. Kids?!
Oh, God, Bob, look!

It's Tina's glasses
in a pile of leaves!

(anguished sounds)
Tina! Not like that!

TINA & LOUISE & GENE: Rawr!
LINDA & BOB: Aah!

Gotcha.

And that's
how you scare somebody.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

They got us.

Gene, why are you
in your underpants?

Don't change the subject,
Father!

We just scared your pants off,
not mine!

Also, I was warm!

Yeah. You tricks
just got treated.

I mean, kind of.
You basically just jumped out

of a pile of leaves.
Yep.

And we put, like, a lot
of effort into our thing.

Sad how ours worked better
than yours, huh?

Yeah. It really is.
Well, should we go?

Can we go to the other house
that's ours, that's fine?

No, we're not finished
with our haunted house.

We haven't even gotten
to the exorcism.

I think we're good, Mom.

I was gonna spin my head
around in a circle

and barf on your father.
Like the good ol' days. Ha!

Lin. Lin, stop.
It's over. Bleh.

We're-we're just not
that good at this.

Hmm. B-plus.
Maybe B-minus.

Hey, why give it a grade?
Bob, don't give up.

We squeezed ourselves
into this T-shirt.

We can't go home now.
Or we could.

You can spin your head around
at home while we watch TV.

All right, fine, you sour
candies, we'll go home.

Gene, you're gonna put
your clothes back on, right?

Oh, am I?
I...

You're the one making it weird,
Dad.

Oh, crap.
We have a flat tire.

What? Here, I'll blow it up.
Give it to me, give it to me.

What about the spare?
That was the spare.

All four of these are spares.
Are you talking about us?

I guess I'll call for a tow.

Oh, great. I'm not getting
any reception here.

That old man
is staring at us.

That's weird.
Hello? Can we help you?

Take a picture!
It'll last longer!

Wait, don't take it yet!

Catch me just
as I'm looking over my shoulder.

Now!

Oh, come on, how can
I not have any bars?

Why's he staring at us?

TINA: Maybe we just have
that certain something...

that makes you want to stare
at us... and not say anything...

while holding gardening shears.
Hi! Hello, sir!

Cell reception, huh?
Not so great around here?

Okay, he's not
saying anything. Um...

why don't we go back inside
and see if the landline works?

Bye, creepy man!
Keep it creepy!

Lock it, Bob.

Yeah. Good idea.

(dial tone hums)
Oh, thank God. It works.

Wow, this phonebook is,
like, from the '90s.

Let's see if Tony Toni Tow-me
is still in business.

Hey, Mom, question, why does
this house have mothball smell?

Follow-up question,
whose house is this?

David Lee Mothball?
Maybe the owner of a mothball team?

It's an empty house
that Mort said we could use.

It belonged
to one of his clients.

(metallic grinding)
(Linda gasps)

Uh... what
was that?

Gene, did that
come out of you?

My butt doesn't have
the technology! Yet.

Huh. It was probably just
the pipes.

Oh, hi, uh, I, uh...
I need a tow truck.

I have a flat tire.
Or I'll need a tire.

Or-or air, I guess,
for the tire.

But you're the professional.

Wait, Mom,
did you say this house

is one of Mort's clients'?
Yeah, why?

Mort's a mortician, so aren't
his clients all dead people?

(metallic grinding continues)
(Linda, Gene, Tina gasp)

All right, pipes. We heard
you the first time.

Stop being so desperate
for attention.

Everybody,
keep it down, please. Uh...

the address is... Oh, shoot,
I don't know the address.

Uh, hold on... Lin, go outside
and look at the house number.

No. Oldie Scissorhands
is out there.

Oh, wait, I wrote it down.
It's, uh,

37 Poplar... Wait,
is that "Poplar" or "Popular"?

No, streets aren't
called Popular.

(loud bang) ALL: Aah!

Whoa.
Oh, my God, Bob.

There's something
in the basement!

No, no, no.
The phone line is dead.

And it's dark!
It's literally a triple threat!

LINDA: What could possibly
make a sound like that?

It's probably just
a raccoon or a possum

running around
in the basement.

So did this raccoon and/or
possum shake the whole house

and turn off all the lights,
Father?!

Gene, it probably just
chewed through a wire

and then that short... circuited
the fuse... breaker... thing.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, go on.

You clearly know what
you're talking about.

(metallic grinding)
Uh...

I don't like the sound
of that sound.

We should get out of this house, Bob.
No, no, Lin,

the tow truck is coming.
We have to wait for it.

Look, why don't I just
go downstairs

and see what's
making the noise?

I'm sure there is
nothing to be afraid of.

Then we can relax

until the tow truck
gets here.

Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark,
dark, dark, dark, dark! Uh...

LINDA: Leave the light, Bob.
Are you crazy?

Well, I can't see
what's in the basement

if I don't have the light, Lin.

All right, fine.
We're coming with you.

Just a fun family trip
to the basement to get killed.

Gene, we're not
gonna get killed.

Maimed. Stabbed.
Lin. Linda.

Beaten. Burned.
Lin. Stop.

What?

BOB:
See? It's just a normal,

dark, very, very dark
basement.

(moans) Lin, you're digging
your fingernails into my arm.

Oh, sorry.

Can I dig my fingernails
into your other arm, Dad?

Sure, Tina. Yes.

I call love handles.
That's my word for the butt.

I'm already holding it.

Just 'cause I don't want
to fall down the stairs.

Dad's butt is very sturdy.

Thank you, Louise.
It is.

Oh look, they have a puddle
in their basement, too.

It's ghost pee.

Gene, it's not ghost pee.

Look, see, everything
seems fine. Nothing weird.

There's a washing machine.
A furnace.

Some old boxes of junk.
And a ghost!

ALL: Aah!
What is that?

Okay, it's not a ghost.
It's not a ghost.

It's just a... uh...

a cloak.
It's a cloak.

LINDA: It's a cloak.
See? Nothing to worry about.

Yeah, there's nothing scary
about a dark cloak hanging

from a meat hook
in a dead person's basement!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Plenty of people
have cloaks, right?

Monks, and w-wizards and...
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, sure.
Liberace.

Yup.
Uh, Ann Wilson from Heart.

Definitely. Maybe it's just a
really dark, scary night shirt.

(loud thud, demonic croaking)

(all screaming)

Run!

Oh, my God.
All right, we're getting out of this house.

Good idea.
Everybody, follow me.

Okay.

Oh, God. There's something
right outside, Bobby. Uh...

everyone upstairs now.

We got to hide somewhere.

How about behind Dad?
I'm not big enough.

Keep telling yourself
that, pal.

You guys. Look.

That isn't a good use
of that room.

Yeah, let's maybe
rule that room out.

Uh, uh, um,
yeah, the bathroom.

Let's go in the bathroom.

Yeah, let's go to the bathroom.

Okay. Let's talk
about what we just saw.

I, for one,
did not care for it.

That doll makes me miss
the cloak in the basement.

Louise, I wish I was
un-scare-able like you.

Yeah, it's just dumb cult stuff.

Nothing to be scared of.

(nervous laughter):
I mean, what is it with

the sticks these days, right?

What if it's the ghost of the
person who used to live here

and they hate mustaches?

Then two of you are in trouble.

It's not a ghost, Lin.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Fine, then, Bob.
What do you think it is?

It's probably just a murderer.

What?
No, it's not a murderer, Tina.

It's probably just the wind.
Inside wind.

It-it happens a lot
in these old houses.

I know about inside wind.

I know about it right now.

Sorry, everybody.

Ugh, Gene.
Come on.

It's something bad.
It's gonna kill us

in this bathroom
and it's gonna...

it's gonna be easy to clean up
'cause of the tile floor.

Linda, you're not helping.

Also, will you take off
that bald cap?

It's freaking everyone out.

I didn't even know
I still had it on.

It's comfortable.
Wait, listen.

(slow, heavy footsteps
approaching)

BOB:
Oh, my God.

The wind...
is coming up the stairs.

Okay, nobody move.

Nobody say a word.

Dad.
Yes.

I feel like you're doing
a really good job as a dad.

Thank you, Gene.
I'm having a good childhood.

Okay, great.
Not right now, but overall.

I got it. Thanks.
No, thank you.

Uh, okay...
Thank you for your service.

Just, um, try and be quiet.

(moans)

Whatever it is,

it's right outside.

(moan)

You guys, if we
go out this window,

we can get on the roof.

(moaning)
Um... yeah.

Go, go, go.

Now what? We're on
a freakin' roof.

The only way down is down.

Oh, my God. I hope
the tow truck is coming.

Please let the tow truck
be coming.

And I hope they bring a ladder.
And the police.

Mom and Dad, you would tell us
if we knew how to fly, right?

Uh, you guys...

(low, indistinct chanting)

That seems weird...
and bad.

Maybe that's Tony,
Toni, and Tow-me?

Holy crap!

Oh, my God!

We're surrounded
by a ring of fire!

Who has a ring of water?

Aah! Is this
what Burning Man is?

Because I don't like it!

LINDA:
What do we do? What do we do?

We got scary cloak
people down there

and something creepy
chasing us in there.

And I'm scared of heights and
cloak people and being killed.

Ah! I have reception.
I'm calling for help.

My emergency contact
is Jimmy Junior.

If you can't reach him,
you can also try 911.

Oh, crap!
Aah!

That's fine.
No big deal.

We don't need that.
Oh, my God,

they're gonna sacrifice us.

I hate this neighborhood.

Okay, everybody
just stay calm, all right?

We're up here.
They're down there.

There's no way
they can get to us.

Yeah. They're not even
a great cult, anyway.

Just a circle of fire,
you know, some cloaks,

and a creepy doll
with twigs for eyes, right?

What's so scary about that?
That's not scary.

That's not scary!

(dramatic musical stinger
plays)

(screaming)

Louise...

LINDA: Louise, sweetie,
sweetie, baby.

(screaming stops)

What is happening?

Gotcha.

Wha...?
We got you. Huh?

(laughs)
We gotcha.

You wanted
to be scared, Louise.

Well, I think we scared you.

Wait a... You, uh...
What...

We planned the whole thing.
What?

(gasps): What? Aw, you should
see the look on your face.

You see? It's you,

scared.
So...

they're in on it, too?

Hi, Louise. Happy Halloween.

It's Teddy
from your dad's restaurant.

Teddy?
Hi, Louise.

Mort?

Aah!
Hey, hey, easy.

That's my mother.
Say hi, Mom.

(wails)

No, Mom. We're done.
It's over. We did it.

And this nice man
with the hedge clippers

is Mort's mom's
new boyfriend, Arthur.

Hi, how you doing.

I call him Arth Vader.

'Cause of the way he breathes.
He has allergies.

Gene? Tina? You two
were in on this too?

Yeah, we were acting.

I practiced
all my lines last night.

Like this:
"Aah."

I wanted to do the whole thing
with a Cockney accent,

but Mom nixed it.

I-I don't understand.
How did you do all this?

And how did I fall for it?

It was a lot of work.
So many e-mails.

This is Mort's mom's house.
And it's perfect

'cause it's old and creepy.

And nicely decorated.
Very homey.

First we had to do
the decoy haunted house.

Yeah, why did you do
a decoy haunted house?

That was Tina's idea.
It was genius.

She said we had to do
the world's worst haunted house

so that you wouldn't
suspect us.

Oh, I was talking about
something else when I said that.

Wait. Really?
Hey, a good idea's a good idea.

Besides, it wasn't the
world's worst haunted house.

The bald caps were good.

The spaghetti...

Unbelievable.

You guys set me up.

And we almost got away
with it.

Oh, wait! We did!

Yup. While you were going
through the decoy haunted house,

Teddy took the air
out of our tire.

Yeah. And I also
cut the brake line.

I thought that
would be scary, too.

Teddy, are you serious?

Hey, let's not worry
about that, Bobby.

Finish your story.

TINA: Mort hid in the basement
and made scary sounds.

Mort, how did you make
that crazy croaking sound?

That actually came out of me.

I threw my back out when
I was making

that big boom sound.

(demonic croaking)

I'm in a lot of pain.

LINDA: The ring of fire
was Mort's idea.

Is it gonna hurt my grass?

No, Mom.
No, no. It'll be fine.

It's non-burning fire.

And Arthur was really nice
to offer to help.

He's only known Mort's mom
for three weeks.

But it sounds like
it's going really well.

We're just having fun
and seeing where it goes.

No pressure, no labels.
I get it.

So, yeah, that's how
it all came together.

We love you, baby.
Hope you liked it.

Liked it?

It was freakin' incredible!

I'm still shaking.

Look. Look at this.

(laughs)

I can't stop.

Oh, it's great.

I got scared.
I got scared!

Oh, you're the best family
in the whole world.

Aw, my little scream queen.

Happy Halloween, Louise.

Bring it in, everybody.
Bring it in.

(grunts)
I...

love my family...
Lin...

so much.
Lin,

careful.
We're on a roof.

(thunder crashes)
(all scream)

Storm moving in, everyone.
(cackles)

Stop it, Mort.
I startle easily.

Ah, Mort, you little...
(growls)

Hey, girl.

Yo, girl.
Halloween has gotten so commercialized.

So many commercials.

Let's try to get back
to what it's really about.

What's it about, Boo Boo?

Love.
Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

♪ When I see you, I fall apart ♪

♪ Like a zombie ♪

♪ I got too nervous
to ask you out ♪

♪ To the prom-bie ♪

♪ I wish I could make you mine ♪

♪ When I open my mouth ♪

♪ I sound like Frankenstein ♪
(growls)

Who's the girl?

How'd she get in the video?

She's not a Boy 4 Now.

She won an essay contest.

It had to be under
30,000 words.

I couldn't cut mine down.

LOUISE:
Yeah, that's rough. That's...

GENE: Allen does not
make a believable mummy.

LOUISE:
There's that idiot Boo Boo.

It was his dumb birthday
last week.

Not that I care
or even know that.

♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ Whoo ♪

(evil laughter)

♪ Girl it's freaky ♪

(howls)

♪ My heart is weaky ♪

(hisses)

♪ My teeth are extra sharp ♪

♪ My body's extra hairy ♪

♪ I'm running in the dark ♪

♪ I love you so much
it's scary ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, scary ♪

♪ It's scary, girl ♪
ALL: Rap time.

♪ I close my eyes
and you're still there ♪

♪ You're the girl of my dreams,
nope, my nightmares ♪

♪ You're like Jason,
Mike Myers, Carrie and Freddy ♪

♪ But I don't want to run away,
I want to go steady ♪

Is that a different Allen
from the last video?

No.
Yes... What? Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.
They switch Allens sometimes, Bobby.

No, they don't. Don't tell Teddy.
That's his favorite one.

He's a big Allen guy.
♪ It's Halloween ♪

(roars)
♪ I'm scared of the dark ♪

♪ Going door to door ♪

♪ To your mama's house ♪

♪ I can feed her ♪

♪ Got to get that candy ♪

LOUISE: Okay, this took a turn.
GENE: It's like a reverse Thriller.

TINA: Nice.
♪ Trick or treat... ♪

♪ Girl, it's freaky ♪

GENE: Sing it.
BOB: Uh...

♪ You trick or treat me ♪

LOUISE: Dad, sing.
TINA: Come on, Dad, sing it.

♪ My teeth are extra sharp ♪

♪ My body's extra hairy ♪

♪ I'm running in the dark ♪

♪ I love you so much
it's scary ♪

♪ Girl, it's freaky ♪

♪ You trick or treat me ♪

♪ My teeth are extra sharp ♪

♪ My body's extra hairy ♪

♪ I'm running in the dark... ♪