Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Land Ship - full transcript

LOUISE: Ugh! Another
assembly about the Land Ship.

We do this every year, and
it's always the same thing.

It makes me sick! I like the Land Ship.

It's an important part
of our town's history.

And there's a parade. That's fun.

I've been practicing my parade wave.

- Hi!
- Hi!

Look! Ghost Boy!

- There's one in the boys' locker room, too.
- I know.

- What?
- What? I just heard... about it.

- (high-pitched microphone feedback)
- (clearing his throat) Before we start,



there has been a rash of graffiti

at school and in our community.

♪ ♪

I want to say something to
Ghost Boy, whoever you are.

Graffiti is not cool.

Not doing graffiti is cool.

Cleaning graffiti is cool.

- Right, Mr. Branca?
- Very cool.

All right, now that that's out of the way,

please welcome the man who
puts the "actor" in "reenactor,"

Jim Skillman as Miss Patience Headbottom.

(fife and drum music playing)

Yay! Oh.

(clears his throat)



(in high-pitched voice): My
name is Patience Headbottom.

I'm a 13-year-old girl.

I lived during the War of 1812.

And I'm here to tell
you all the story of...

- KIDS: The Land Ship.
- The Land Ship!

Correct. Even though I had cholera...

(coughs)

... I played a big part in the battle

that made this ship famous.

I didn't know cholera made
you boring and old and a man.

The British were going to attack.

Our town had only one
small ship protecting us.

My idea was to move the frigate onto land.

The night of the British attack was humid

and filled with great tension.

- (whispering): Just like my farts.
- Shh, Gene.

The townspeople dragged
the ship up onto shore,

close to what in your world

is now the Fashion City Outlet Mall.

♪ Fashion City Outlet Mall. ♪

Hey, guys, come on.

We lit the lights on the ship,

hoisted the sail

and rocked the ship back and forth

to make it seem like it was on the water.

When the British sailed in to attack,

they misjudged the coastline

and ran aground before
they could fire a shot.

A peaceful end to a dangerous situation.

And then we swarmed their ships
and slaughtered them like sheep.

- Oh. Right.
- I hope you all come

as we rock the boat at the
Land Ship parade this weekend.

And now, the sea shanty
commemorating the sloop

that duped the British.

♪ I'll sing you a song... ♪

Let's just leave while
it's still dark in here.

- Good idea. Let's jam, Tam.
- Hey, wait for me.

I don't think we're allowed
to leave until it's over.

Ugh, Tina, you're such a goody two boobs.

- No, I'm not.
- Oh, yes, you are.

- You're like an unsalted pretzel.
- What do you mean?

I mean that you're bland,
and I mean that you're boring.

You're like if school and news had a baby.

It's kind of true, Tina.

Get some spice into you, girl!

I can be spicy.

Look my shoe's untied, and
I'm not even gonna retie it.

Actually, I am. I could
trip. Oh, they're gone.

LINDA: I'm so excited
for the Land Ship parade!

I know. I'm so glad that gas
line blew on Front Street,

and they rerouted it this way.

Sorry, Front Street.
You blew it! (Chuckles)

Think of all the business we're gonna get!

Sweet Land Ship business.

Uh... what's happening?

Oh, no. No, no, no! No, no!

Stop! Don't put those there!

This is where they told me to put 'em.

Please. This is my restaurant right here.

You... you can't put Porta
Pottis in front of a restaurant.

- They stink!
- Not yet. They're gonna.

There's an empty
storefront right next door.

You can move them there.

- You can move your restaurant.
- No, I can't.

- Yeah. You could rent that space.
- That's absurd!

JIMMY: Hey, Bob,

I see you're getting ready for the parade.

(blows raspberries) Ha, ha!

Fart noise!

- Shut up, Jimmy!
- (Jimmy blows raspberries)

(Bob blows raspberries) There,
there, right back at you.

You guys have a lot of fun, huh? (Laughs)

Where's a good place to eat?

Is that place across the street any good?

- Looks good.
- No!

Hey, guys, lunch break in ten!

We're goin' over to that
pizza place across the street!

Don't go there! I just told
you it isn't good. Eat here!

Nah. We're not gonna eat at a restaurant

with Porta Pottis in front
of it. It's disgusting.

GENE: Quittin' time!

Can't wait to get this monkey suit off.

- Hey, do you guys think I'm an unsalted pretzel?
- I could eat.

No, am I, like, bland and
a safe snacking choice?

I was just wondering if
that's what people think of me.

Oh, I don't think people think of you.

Well, I want people to think
I'm spicy and fun and dangerous.

Like a bullet made of chorizo?

- Kind of.
- Where are you going?

Oh, I have to renew a library book.

It's not due today, but I
don't want to cut it too close.

Spicy!

Hi, Mr. Ambrose. I need to renew this book.

Renewed.

Oh, my God, this book
isn't due for three days.

What's wrong with you?!

- I'm being responsible.
- Ugh.

Mr. Ambrose, can I see
that book for a second?

Look at as many books as
you want. It's a library.

Ghost Boy. Who returned this book?

- It's on the card.
- There's only one name... Jordan Cagan.

(gasps) Then that's who checked it out.

(whispers): Go away!

Jordan Cagan is Ghost Boy?

Okay, I'm gonna start piling

these books up so I can't see you.

- Okay.
- Now just glasses.

Now just bangs. Now you're gone.

Jordan Cagan can't be Ghost
Boy. He wears sweaters.

It can't be him. He's drinking whole milk.

(groaning)

Yeah, it can't be him.

- Oh, my God, it's him!
- Tina Belcher?

- Ghost Boy?
- Oh, great. I guess that's it. Are you gonna turn me in?

(echoing): You're like an unsalted pretzel.

(echoing): You're like if
school and news had a baby.

(echoing): Get some spice into you, girl!

Ugh!

No, Jordan, I'm not gonna turn you in.

I'm gonna turn myself
in... to something else.

_

Aah! I mean, come in.

- Night, Tina.
- Good night.

I'm going to sleep right now.

I'm pretty much already falling asleep.

Dozing off. Mm.

Okay.

"See you soon... baboon."

Wait, spice it up.

"See you soon, bitch."

Too spicy, too spicy.

Oh, God, I sent it. Okay, it's fine.

So you do the little Ghost Boys
with your marker during the day,

- and the bigger Ghost Boys at night with spray paint?
- Uh-huh.

And you could get caught,

but you don't care because
the rush is so good?

- Mm-hmm.
- And Ghost Boy's supposed to be you?

No, it's... it's just something I draw.

Oh, I thought maybe because
you feel invisible like a ghost

- since you don't have any friends.
- What?

Also, the ghost is shaped like a "J."

Oh, my God. I'm shaped like a "J."

No, you're not. The...

- It's the first letter of your name.
- Oh, right.

- You're really smart, huh?
- Very.

So do we blow on it now to dry it,

or does it just dry on its own, or... ?

Oh, no. We have to run away now.

(both panting) Good idea.

They'll never suspect us if we're running.

The good Porta Potti
is out of toilet paper,

but full of memories.

Gene, I told you not to use those.

They're for the Land Ship
parade, and we hate them.

(yawns)

Aw! My tired Tina.

You sleepy, honey?

Yeah, I'm tired.

(quietly): But I've never felt more alive.

Oh! Puberty! Gross.

Uh-oh. I think I left my
backpack in the Porta Potti.

- I'll go get it.
- Someone just went in there.

Maybe they'll finish
my math homework for me.

Maybe they'll start it, too.

Ghost Boy strikes again!

I want to rip this up and sell it.

No wait! Gift it to a museum.

Take the write-off.

Yeah! Gift it, Zeke!

Wow! Look at that.

Ah, da, da, da, da! This
is not to be admired!

You saying that makes me admire it more.

Oh, uh, then look at that great graffiti!

- I love it!
- No!

Just everyone go inside!

BOB: No, ma'am. Ma'am,

I know about the Land Ship parade.

I just want to move them
30 feet, and that's it.

Oh, you're a man?
What... what was I saying?

I think this is going well.
He's got a way with people.

So, hey... man, if we
don't move the Porta Pottis,

I'm gonna lose all my business.

- I need them moved!
- You tell 'em, Bobby!

Hey, Bob, how's the view?

(chuckles, blows raspberries)

- Ugh. Jerk.
- No, not you!

You're great. No, no don't transfer me.

Please don't transfer me!

- You on hold, Bob?
- (Sighs) Yes, Teddy.

- What are they playing?
- It's Tom Petty.

Tom Petty! Back down? Don't back down?

(laughing): No, it's not "Don't Back Down."

(laughing): Take you to
the gates of Hell? Right?

- "American Girl."
- "American Girl." Do you have a speakerphone?

- No, Teddy.
- Do you have another extension down here?

The song ended. It's the B-52's now.

- "Rock Lobster"?
- "Love Shack."

They're playing all the hits!

So, you want to go out
tagging again tonight?

Yes. We're a tag team. Get it?

- That's a good one.
- Thanks.

LOUISE: Hi, Jordan, who
we've never eaten lunch with

before ever. What's up?

- Nothing.
- Um... Jordan's a friend.

Jordan, you are a delight.

Now you're my friend,
and friends share fries.

So, Jor-jo. That's what I call you now.

You guys got super lunchy super fast.

What's your secret, Jay-jams?

- You gave me two nicknames.
- Yup.

- Which one do you like better?
- I guess "Jay-jams."

- Jor-jo.
- Jor-jo?

I'm gonna call you "Damn Jam."

- Um, I got to get going.
- He seems great.

Tina, when did you start
hanging out with Jordan?

I got to get going.

It's just you and me now.

- Yup.
- Oh. I was talking to the taco.

♪ Sneaking out at night ♪

♪ Doing wrong feels right. ♪

Land Ship parade tomorrow!

- Here it comes.
- Mm.

Hey, the city could
change their mind, right?

Get a last-minute call from the governor?

- Make a little Porta Potti pardon?
- Mm.

(groans) Aah!

Oh, my God, Tina! What happened?

I fell asleep.

I'll have what she's having.

Tina, what's wrong? Are you sick?

Yeah, why are you so tired all the time?

That's like the fourth bowl of something

you've fallen asleep in.

Oh, I've just been having
trouble sleeping lately,

'cause of... I'm so
excited about the Land Ship.

Tina's got the Land Ship fever.

Or she has a real fever.

Can you just hold your hand
there for a second, Dad?

I'm just gonna take a quick... (snoring)

T...Tina, I can't... I
got to... I can't hold...

Tina, I can't hold my hand here.

You're spoiling her, Dad!

You're right. I should just let go.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

I can't do it. Huh?

- Nothing. Go back to sleep.
- Okay.

Nice one. Thanks.

I've been having so
much fun with you, Tina.

Me, too. I mean, me
with you, not me with me.

I've never spent this
much time with a girl.

And I've never spent this
much time with my spicy side.

(grunting)

Whoa! Jordan, did you mean to do that?

I sure did. That was my first kiss.

I couldn't tell at all.

It had a lot of the same things
that real kissing has in it.

You inspire me, Tina.

- You make me feel like I can do anything.
- You can!

- You make me want to punch the air.
- Punch it!

(grunts) You make me feel like I
can jump over this parking meter.

That looks a little high.

(grunting) Um...

I want to maybe try
that again another time?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Hey, listen,

tonight we're gonna tag
something really special.

- A greeting card?
- No, even better.

The sail of the Land Ship.

- Wait, what?
- Picture it...

a giant Ghost Boy 20 feet tall.

They unfurl the sail during the parade...

Ghost Boy! The crowd is stunned.

And we know it was us who did it.

It's just seems like that's
really big and the Land Ship

is important to history
and people'll be upset and

we could go to jail and...

Oh, you're kissing me again.

You're so wild, Tina.

Yeah, I am. Right?

So, are you in or are you in?

- I'm in.
- Should we kiss more?

Yes, but let's work on a couple things.

You don't have to cover my nose

and my mouth with your mouth.

(low grunting)

You're still doing it.

O...okay, just... You...

(both grunting)

So tired. Got to look up
sails. Am I really going to tag

the sail of the Land
Ship with Jordan?

He is a bad kisser. But he's a bad boy,

and I guess bad boys are bad kissers.

Oh no. I just typed all that
into the search bar! Delete.

- Delete.
- So, everything is normal with you

and you're not acting weird at all.

Oh, good, I'm glad you think so.

Except for what are you
looking at right now? Aha.

Sails.

Wait. Sails?

Yeah. I've just always wondered

what sailing was like, so now I know.

And how do you explain this?

I found it in your room.

A bandana. Flair for your microphone stand?

(gasps) You're joining Aerosmith!

Guys. I just need to do
my sail reading. Please.

Jordan. Sails. Tired. Bandana.

All in one week.

I'm gonna figure this out, Tina.

You and Jordan are making tiny boats

with bandana sails for
tiny, nocturnal animals.

Oh! That's not it!

But I'm gonna get it.

- (bell jingling)
- Bobby's back.

What'd the guy from the city say?

Are they moving the stank tanks?

- No, Teddy, they're not.
- Aw.

In fact, when I explained
there were four Porta Pottis

in front of my restaurant,
they said there should be five.

They're adding another.

You know what? If they
won't move them, I will.

I'm gonna move 'em.

- Yeah.
- Tonight.

- Get 'em!
- Just like they moved the Land Ship.

Under the cover of darkness. Let's do it.

We'll rock 'em back and forth

- and then slaughter everyone inside.
- Yeah.

JORDAN: Tina, this is so intense.

We're like Bonnie and Clyde.

Didn't they get shot
at the end of the movie?

Maybe say "spoiler"

before you give away
the end of a movie, okay?

(fluttering) Aah!

- What was that?
- It was a pigeon.

It wasn't a tiny flying security guard?

No. Okay, let's hoist the sail.

Okay. According to my notes,
first we have to announce

we're raising it. For safety reasons.

Raising the mainsail.

Okay. Thank you for letting
me know. What's next?

Then we pull on the halyard. And I think

that's this. Um, okay, well,
that seems like a good start.

Maybe we should, uh, go home

and come back tomorrow, um,

good night's sleep, and finish.

(grunts) Little help?

Oh, right.

It's the perfect canvas.

It's literally canvas.

Almost too perfect to paint
on, right? Where are you going?

Up the ladder? Okay, great, here I come.

I'm totally on board with this.

(groaning softly)

You say something?

No. (Continues groaning)

I swear I keep hearing something.

I don't hear anything. (Continues groaning)

Whoa. We really did it.

Yeah. So should we furl up the sail?

- What?
- Furl up the sail.

Oh, I thought you said go
back in time and not do this,

but yeah, sure, let's get furlin'.

LINDA: Which shoes are better

for moving Porta Pottis,
Bob... flats or pumps?

Flats, I guess.

But why are you in a dress?

It's the only black thing I own.

You said to put on dark colors
so we blend in with the night.

Okay, well, just hurry up.

Teddy's gonna be here in a little bit.

I just got to do my eye
makeup and curl my hair.

Lin, you don't need makeup.

But I want to do a smoky eye.

I never get to dress up.

See you tomorrow for the big reveal.

Yeah. See ya.

Wait. Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah. (Low grunt)

Bye. Mm...

Oh, God.

Wash it off, wash it off!

What have you done?

LOUISE: Exactly. Aah!

We looked in the Porta Potti
and found a porta naughty.

You've been sneaking out at night

- to meet Jordan, haven't you?
- (Soft crying)

- Wait, are you crying?
- I've been sneaking out

because Jordan is Ghost Boy
and I've been helping him

and then we did something
like kissing and then I ruined

Bonnie and Clyde for
him by saying they die

and then we painted a
giant Ghost Boy on the sail

of the Land Ship and now the
parade is gonna be ruined.

Because of me.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Bonnie and Clyde die?

Jordan is Ghost Boy and you're helping him?

- Yes.
- Wow. I was way off.

I thought it was the
bland leading the bland.

I graffitied the Land Ship. What do I do?

I wear white underwear. And, honey,

what you need is some bleach.

Wait, I got it. I can paint over it.

I just need a bunch of white paint now,

in the middle of the night,

when paint stores aren't usually open.

Wait a minute. You say "paint"

and I say t'ain't no problem with that,

because I know there's
some in the basement.

Ta-da! Paint.

And spackle.

(gasps) How did you know about this, Gene?

Let's just say I thought
this tarp was a tent

and I thought that spackle
was marshmallow fluff.

And I was right, in a way.

I'm going back to the Land Ship.

We're coming with you.

Yeah. Let's go unpaint the town.

(bell jingles softly)

Where's Teddy? We need his
truck to move the Porta Pottis.

This is so exciting.

You know who would love this? The kids.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

- Should we wake 'em?
- No. Let 'em sleep.

Plus we all might get arrested.

Let's push these Pottis.

- LOUISE: Tina, wow.
- I know.

This isn't gonna work.
We don't have enough time.

Great, let's get started.

We're gonna get caught here.

We're gonna get in trouble.

I don't hear paint brushes.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, boy.
- More gas, Teddy.

- More gas.
- So, faster?

- Uh, uh, uh, easy.
- Yes, faster.

- Faster. Punch it.
- Easy, easy.

- Okay, punch it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

- Teddy, don't listen to Linda, just go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy... No, no, no, no.

- What am I doing?
- They're gonna push

into each other and just

slide right up the street.

Bo... They're tipping.

Oh, God, she's right. Teddy, stop.

- Pull forward?
- Yeah, but not too quickly.

- Quickly?
- Oh, they sloshed.

(gags) Aw, that's not a good smell.

Uh... I was never here.

Love your dress, Linda. See you tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

They won, Bobby.

The Porta Pottis won. Come to bed.

LOUISE: Well, this is what's
known in the sailing world

as "good enough".

Oh, no. We missed a spot.

Tina, we got to go.

People in costumes are gonna be here soon.

I'm going back up to get it.

No. There's not enough time.

I'm no scientist,

but that looks like the sun coming up.

I got to finish undoing what I did.

(grunting)

Can't quite reach.

Someone's here. Tina, hurry up.

(straining): Almost got it.

Aah! The British are coming!

(grunting)

Last little spot.

(whispering): Gene, what's
happening with the reenactors?

They're eating breakfast burritos

and doing gentle stretching.

- (fife playing)
- Now they're fifing!

Oh, my God, they're fifing toward us!

(grunts) Got it. Done.

(all grunting)

LINDA: Kids. Come on.

It's time for the Land Ship.

Can I have a cup of coffee?
Or a hard slap in the face?

No. And why are you all yawning so much?

Why are you yawning?

Because you were yawning,
so I... I... just yawned.

So you're a copycat.

Come on, let's go.

If we miss the reenactment we're gonna

have to reenact the reenactment.

Yup. Let's go watch the ship set jail.

I... I mean "fail." I mean "terrible secret."

I mean "sail."

Aw, puberty.

(fifes playing a tune, crowd applauding)

(Frond whoops)

Patience!

Patience Headbottom, hi!

I, uh, know her.

Here comes the Land Ship.

I'm gonna rock you like that boat. Come on!

- Aah, stop! Don't rock me, Zeke.
- Come on! (Exclaiming)

- Too hard!
- Jordan. Oh, hey.

- Uh, maybe you should go.
- What?

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else

but right here with you right now.

Uh...

All hands hoay.

Rock it, boys.

Raising the mainsail.

This is it.

Come here. I want to, um...

kiss your eyes with my hands.

Stop, silly. Wait.

- What the hell?!
- Uh, yeah. What the hell?

What happened to our giant Ghost Boy?

I know. So much. What you said.

We were up all night.
We made so many stencils.

Well, we might as well enjoy the parade.

Wait. Tina, did you do this?

What? Yes, I did.

Excuse you? We did.

Yeah. We saw the sunrise.

It was beautiful. I cried.

Why, Tina, why?

At first I liked doing graffiti with you,

but then we went too
far. This just isn't me.

It's not. Trust me, Jordan,
it's not. I know her.

Hold on. Jordan, you're Ghost Boy?

And Tina, you're a tag hag?

What?!

Yes. Yes, I'm Ghost Boy, okay?

And Tina's my girlfriend,
or I thought she was.

She went out with me
for the last five nights

and we tagged the whole city.

And we kissed. She was my first kiss.

And my last.

You painted over my heart, Tina.

Jordan, someday you're
gonna meet a great girl

who doesn't care about good kissing

or the law or anything. I just know it.

Whatever.

- Hey, you're Ghost Boy?
- Yeah.

Do you want to, like, um, hang out?

Yeah.

Oh, that was faster than I thought.

Tina, you saved the Land Ship parade.

Well, technically I ruined
it. But then I saved it.

Girl, you got a dangerous streak

and a not-dangerous streak. I like it.

Tina, I have so much
more respect for you now.

Thanks, Tammy. I still have the same amount

of respect for you. Which is not much,

but, um, forget it.

- Wait, Tina, you went out with Jordan?
- Yeah.

And you guys kissed?

Well, it was sort of like kissing,

but it was hard to breathe, um...

Okay, I don't need the details.

You want to watch the rest
of the parade together?

Oh, I... I thought we
were watching it together.

Yeah, but now we officially are.

Okay.

- (bell jingles)
- JIMMY: Ha. Look at the line

in front of the Porta Pottis there, Bob.

Never seen a line in
front of your place before.

- 'Cause you never have a line.
- Yeah. All right, Trev.

Oh, Jimmy will you p... Wait a second.

Two more burgers of the day, Bob.

Coming right up.

Oh, my God.

This is turning into a great day.

We're gonna make a killing. (Laughs)

Jimmy, these Porta
Pottis are the best thing

that's ever happened to us!

You know what these
Porta Pottis smell like?

Success! (Sniffs, coughs) Oh, my God.

♪ I'll sing you a song, a song I'll sing ♪

♪ Hi houy, singin' a song ♪

♪ Hi houy, singin' a song ♪

♪ A humid night in the early spring ♪

♪ Hi houy, singin' a song ♪

♪ Hi houy, singin' a song ♪

♪ The British were comin',
muckenders were they ♪

♪ Hi houy, Hi houy ♪

♪ Rock it, boys ♪

♪ With only one ship,
our ribs they did prey ♪

♪ Hi houy, singin' this song ♪

♪ We bellowed and blundered
and twiddled our wobbles ♪

♪ Hi houy, singin'... ♪