Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 17 - The Horse Rider-er - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Dear Diary, how are you?

I am fine.

Okay, I'm not fine.

You got me. God, you're good.

It's just... I'm 13
and never even ridden a horse.

I mean, my imaginary horse,
Jericho's, great, of course,

but I'm ready
for the real thing.

And I've found
just the right place.

It's the week-long Hoof Dreams
Horse Camp in Montana.

You get to participate
in a live horse birth.



And a sunrise ride
to the top of a mountain

where a Native American
gives you

an honorary horse-inspired name.

And that at the end,
you get to keep the horse.

So it's a really great bang
for your buck... ing... bronco.

Just a little joke.

Anyway, I just wish
there was some way

I could express all this
to Mom and Dad.

The end.

Huh. Do people normally read

their diary entries out loud?

Oh. Did you guys hear that?

How is Jericho
the imaginary horse these days?

He's good.



He just got his
imaginary bangs trimmed,

and I think it's made
him much more confident.

Look, we know you want
to go to that horse camp, Tina.

You've left
pamphlets everywhere.

Like here, under my food... ugh.

Well, then you know
there's still time

to sign me up this summer.

And there's still
time to sign me up

The ham
convention in Orlando.

We just can't afford
horse camp, honey.

It costs 2,000 bucks.

Dad would have to work
until he was 90.

That's in ten years, Tina.

I'm not 80.
We barely have enough

to fix the deep fryer, Tina.

It's been broken for two days,

so we've got to use...

Tina, I'm sor...
‭

Uh, I thought you
were done. Okay.

All right.
Well, take your time.

That's fine.
All right. That's fine.

Hey, what's up, Tina?

Why the long face?

Hi, Jericho.

It's just that I can't go

to the Hoof Dreams Horse Camp,

so now I'll probably be sad
for the rest of my life,

but besides that I'm good.

Oh, Tina, you have
the hardest life sometimes,

and yet, you're so strong.
I know.

Hey, who needs real horses,
anyway?

Can a real horse do this?

Probably not.

Here. Move over.

Hmm.
‭Just... little more.

‭Scooch.

Come on. A little more.

I can't go anymore.

I know what will cheer you up.

Tell me the story of how we met.

I don't know if I'm in the mood.

Just kidding. I am.

Oh, Tina.

So there we were.

Shipwrecked
on a deserted island.

What was I like?

You were wild.

No one could tame you,
except one girl named me.

Come on. Come on.

No.
‭Come on. Come on.

Nuh-uh. No.
‭Got some leaves.

I'm wild.
‭I know, but look.

I'm wild.
‭They're so good.

I would never
eat out of your Han...

Oh, my God, I'm doing it.

Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup.

Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup,

Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup,

Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup.

Yay!

You tamed me!

I'm okay.

Yikes.
Yeah.

We got to get this girl
to horse camp.

Pronto.

So, yeah, just sell this stuff.

Use the money to pay
for Tina's horse camp,

and give us whatever's leftover.

You're welcome.

Guys, it's very sweet of you,

but we're not
selling your stuff.

Plus, no offense,
but I don't think

it would cover the cost.

I mean, this is a pinecone.

Mr. Pinecone.

We got to do something, people!

You know we could push off

fixing the deep fryer
for a few months,

and use that money to send Tina

to a cheaper horse camp
around here.

Yeah, but we need
the deep fryer fixed.

We need fries.

Do you though, Dad? I mean,

the restaurant's
called Bob's Burgers,

not Bob's Burgers and Fries.

Yeah, just 'cause fries
are salty and delicious

and no one in history

has ever eaten
a burger without them,

doesn't mean
we should serve them.

Come on, Bobby, please?

For Tina?

What the hell.
Let's do it.

Maybe we don't
need fries... for now.

Yeah, okay, yeah?

All right!
‭Yeah!

We're pushing off
the deep fryer repair.

Our lives
are so exciting.

Tina!

Come here, baby.
We got something to tell ya!

I know.
Time for breakfast.

Thanks for including me.

No. Not that. This.

Great.
Now I need a spoon.

Can anything ever go right?

Tina.
Up here.

For God's sake, look up, woman!

Hurray!

Sorry, my glasses are smudgy.

Let me just clean them real quick.
‭Oh, my God.

Hmm. Okay.

"You're going to..."

Now, it's not
the Montana one, sweetie,

but it's
a very affordable day camp

that's close by. Hurray!

Did you... did you
hear that, Tina?

Is she breathing?

Did we kill her?

I'm so happy.

What? What she's saying?
What was that?

- I'm so happy!
- Oh.

Hooray! ‭All right! Horse camp!

Ow, Tina. Too hard.

Well, Jericho, this is it.

My first day of horse camp.

I'm finally going to get
to ride a real horse.

Wow. I'm-I'm really
happy for you.

I really treasure the time
we've had together.

Me, too.

And I'll never forget you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's happening here?

Oh, I just assume

that when I get home,
you'll be gone.

What? Why would you assume that?

Because you're
an imaginary horse,

and I'm about to ride
a real horse, and I just...

What? No, no, no.
I'm not imaginary.

You're the...
you're the imaginary one.

Not me. You are!

Jericho, please.

Don't start that again.

Last time you said it,
it really messed me up.

But I'm real!
I'm real! I'm real!

I'm real!

Hey, hey.

Come here.

I didn't know this would
be our last day together.

I know, let's make it count.

What am I even wearing?

Wearing cutoffs?

I didn't even dress for this!

You look great, Jericho.

Oh, God.
‭There, there.

There, there, there,
there, there.

Oh, Tina!
‭Okay, okay, okay.

All right.
‭Oh, Tina.

All right.
I got to go.

What?
I-I got to go. Bye.

No, wait. Don't go.

There, there. Bye.

No, no, no. I got... no.

I-I got to go. It's okay.

I'll treasure you forever.

I'll pick you up at 4:00, honey.

Have a good first day
at horse camp.

Thanks, Mom.

I am home.

Oh, hell neigh.

Ugh.
‭Hi, Tina.

Tammy, Jocelyn.

What a fun surprise,
you guys are here.

Well, it was either this

or going to visit
my grandmother,

and she's like older
than my parents.

Ew, gross.

Aw, one of my babies,

finally going to camp.

But what about Gene and Louise?

Poor, no-camp Gene and Louise.

It's so unfair. Unless...

Oh, Linda! Watch the road.

There you go, Teddy.

Great. Where are the fries?

Teddy, remember?
We used the deep fryer money

for Tina's horse camp, so...

Right. Right.

Tina's horse camp. I get it.

We all got to make sacrifices,

like the taste of
those crispy fries in my mouth,

absorbing my sadness.

Teddy.
‭Nope, you're right.

Tina's going to horse camp.

That's great.
She's a good kid.

I hope she's having
a real good time, Bob!

All right, Teddy.
Calm down.

Linda, what are you wearing?

Don't worry, Bob.
I got it all worked out.

All what worked out?

Ow.

Gene, Louise, listen up.

Tina's not the only one
going to camp.

Turns out we're sending you
off to camp, too.

W-wait. We are?

You are? ‭Yeah.

You're going to...

Da, da, da, da...

Restaurant Camp.

Oh.
‭Huh.

Restaurant Camp?

Uh, Gene, private meeting.
‭Where?

Behind this menu.
Okay, I'll be right there.

Whatever it is
that Mom's proposing,

we should do it,
'cause maybe it'll

get us out of work.

It's not work
when you love what you do,

which we don't, so yeah.

Lin, behind the menu, now.
What, what?

What are we talking about, guys?

The fry situation's gotten
out of control, agree?

No, we're not talking
about that now.

Lin, what's Restaurant Camp?

It's like regular camp,
but in the restaurant.

But the restaurant
is in the restaurant.

But this is Restaurant Camp.

Why is this so hard for you?

It's the only way to make
it fair for all the kids.

Okay, uh, guys?

Wh-where are you?

Right here, behind the menu.

Oh, listen.

We're in. Sorry Dad.

We'd love to finish
with all this,

but we're off to camp.

Hello.

I'm Doris, your instructor.

And welcome to
Horsing Around Riding Center,

where a horse is a horse,
of course, of course.

I'm contractually
obligated to say that.

If it's a reference,
I don't recognize it.

Let's get started.

First horse sighting. Nice.

So this here is Duchess,
and she is a...

Palomino. 13 hands high. No 14.

Uh, correct.

Let's go over some terminology,
shall we?

Uh, does anyone know
what this is?

The withers.
‭Uh-huh.

Can anyone tell me what...
The crest.

But how about...

The chestnut. Bony part
of the inner side of the leg.

Muscular part
of the hind leg.

Well, why don't we let

one of the other girls
try to answer.

You, what's this?

Um, horse.

The croup.
It's the croup.

All right, uh,

let's get out a saddle
and take a look at it.

Jeez, Tina, you're such
a horse ass kissperer.

Well, Tammy, I happen
to have done

many hours of research
on the Internet,

and on my imaginary
horse, Jericho.

Wait, what did you say?

Your what?

My imaginary horse.

Don't you... all...
have... one?

I can see by your faces
that you don't,

and neither do I,
so that's settled.

Imaginary horse, what?

Oh, look. A cloud.

She's right.

Now,

full disclosure,
I've never been to camp.

Promising start.

But I've seen a lot

of camp movies, so we're fine.

And our first activity

of the day is arts and crafts.

We're going to make God's eyes

out of everyday
restaurant straws.

I want to make
my God's eye winking,

so it looks like
God's flirting with me.

Now, it's very simple,
I'm assuming.

Just got to weave
them together and...

Hmm. All right.

This is hard to watch.

Hey, hey!

What, Teddy?

You fix the deep fryer, yet?!

No, Teddy, it's been,
like, two hours.

Well, fix it.!

It's fine. Y-you really
don't need fries, sir.

T-trust me.

Please don't look so sad.
We're trying.

Okay, horse assignments
for the week.

Jocelyn, you'll be with our

least difficult horse,
Blackjack.

Where's his head?

Oh, he's just looking
the other way.

Tammy, you'll be with Dragonfly.

Can I get another one?

This one completely clashes
with my outfit.

No.

Tina, since you've demonstrated

so much knowledge,

I'm thinking you'll
be able to handle

one of our more
challenging horses.

Time to make a soul connection.

Meet Plops.

Oh.

Plops. What a pretty name.

Why is he called Pl...

Okay. That makes sense.

Alison, you're with Sugarcube.

Okay, bond with him.

Maybe open with a joke.

Knock-knock.

And then you say, "who's there?"

Then I say, Orange.

And then you say, "Orange who?"

You turn away from me, um, okay.

I'm just going to...
follow you.

Do you want to just stand
still for a second,

hear this funny joke?

Oops. There you go.
Classic Plops.

Oh...

isn't floor-canoeing

fun, campers?

It's flanoeing.

My oars are sore.

Excuse me, just trying to get

to the bathroom here.

Uh, Linda, can I talk to you?

Sure.

Keep canoeing, kids.

Stay there, I'll swim to you.
So...

Camp Restaurant is, uh, great.

Restaurant Camp, yes.

That's what... yeah.
‭Right...

but don't you think
the camp is a little in the way?

What?! No, no, no, no.

Besides, look how much
fun the kids are having.

Uh-huh, uh, yeah.

So, how long is camp?

- Like five more minutes?
- Hey,

is there some kind of
a free camp going on here?

There sure is.

Great, hey, kids, have fun.

J-Jimmy, wait, I...

Yay!
‭Yay!

Oh, boy.

Okay, we're about to

begin the riding lessons,

and on the last day there
will be a riding exhibition,

for your parents
to take pictures at.

Now, time to mount.

It's just like
getting on a horse.

Sorry, I don't have
any analogies.

This is really happening.

‭Oh.

Okay, let's get
our horses to walk.

Squeeze with your heels.

Squeezing.

Come on, Plops.

Tina, you seem to be
not moving at all.

Is that what you were going for?

No, not exactly.

Okay, officially riding.

Wait, where are you going?

'Cause it kind of seems like
you're headed right for

the fence, fence, fence.

Take control, Tina.

He's trying to scrape you off.

No, we're getting along great.

My knee's turned around!

Nope, just my pants. I'm fine.

Hey, Tina, maybe you thought

this was fencing camp.

I don't get it.

Ow, I'm okay.

Ow, no, I'm not.

Ow, yes, I am.

Ow, everything's great, ow.
Yay, horse camp!

Boy, what a great first day
at Restaurant Camp, huh, kids?

Any thoughts? Comments?

Our counselor
wears short shorts!

Okay...

Hey, Tina, you haven't
said a word about horse camp.

How was it, hon?

Good, really good.
Great!

Just because my horse, Plops,
hates me and stepped on my foot,

and bit my hair,
and peed all over my backpack,

doesn't mean that I'm not having
a great time.

Wait, what?

Tina, that's horrible.

Tina, you know,
you could always...

Do anything and everything
to win Plops over?

Um... I was gonna say quit?

Oh, father.

There's no quit in horse.

It's just that if you
quit today, we get a refund,

but if you quit tomorrow,
we don't.

It's just something I read
very carefully in the contract.

Go back to law school, Matlock.

Okay, I think I'm done
with dinner, so I'll just

be in my room, icing my foot,
bandaging some things,

and gearing up
for an exciting day tomorrow!

Sounds like a plan.
Cool limp.

Thanks.

You can do this.

Bring on that Tina-risma.

Hey, Plops.

Look what
your best friend Tina has.

An apple.

Oh, and what's this?

A framed picture of me, huh.

We could just, I don't know,
put this up in your stall

somewhere, so you can maybe
look at it when I'm not here?

Oops, uh, looks like you knocked
it out of my hand there.

Let me just...

Damn it, Plops!

You're gonna let me in.

Also, I brought
a back-up picture just in case.

♪ Camp ♪

♪ Camp ♪

♪ Camp ♪

♪ Camp ♪

♪ Camp! ♪

Okay, a camp camp-out,

so exciting,

but I got to tell you,
I'm a little worried.

That that lighting
is not flattering?

No.

I'm worried about Apron Face.

You see, Apron Face
used to go to this camp,

and now he haunts this place.

Why is he called Apron Face?

He has an apron over his face.

There's got to be
another reason.

There isn't, and all the other

campers made fun of him.

So, one night,
he took his revenge.

He spatula-ed them all to death!

You know what,

I just got to
step out for a minute.

So, Restaurant Camp
is fun, right?

We're honestly asking.
We-we don't know.

Fun?
‭Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.
‭No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No?

Uh-uh, you see,
Restaurant Camp gets us

out of work, so...

Uh-huh... wait, what?

Okay, if we were ranking things,

it would go
everything in the world...

Mm-hmm.
‭Mm-hmm.

...then Restaurant Camp
way down here...

Mm-hmm.
‭Mm-hmm.

...then a little
below that, work.

And a little below
that, uh, genocide.

Ah, now I get it.

The visual was
helpful, thank you.

Wow, Apron Face!

That was actually pretty scary.

Yeah.

Okay, time for bed!

Are we not doing s'mores?

No s'mores, go to sleep!

Okay. Good night.

Bye, Tina, my good one.

See you this afternoon
for your riding exhibition.

Can't wait.
Super excited.

Oh, and have a good last day
at Restaurant Camp.

Look at us, Plops, having
a nice, pleasant trail ride.

I think someone's starting
to like old Tina.

Ow!

Still a little bit
of tension there.

Maybe it's time for
Mr. Apple to pay another visit.

Okay, we're gonna trot.

Now there's a fork
in the trail up here,

so keep control of your horse
and stick to the right!

Whoops!

Everybody still back there?

Yes!

Bobby, look over there.
Don't look at me.

What, why?
‭Don't look at me!

Huh, you brought fries?

Yeah, I brought fries.

Where'd you get them from?

I-I'd rather not say.

Wait a second,
those are crinkle cut.

Did you get fries
from across the street?

Did you bring Jimmy Pesto's
fries into my restaurant?!

You did this!

Fix your damn fryer, Bob!

You want it fixed, Teddy?!
Fix it yourself!

Huh, handy man?!

I will fix it!

I'm going in the kitchen.

You don't have any tools, Teddy!

I know what I'm doing!

Teddy, it sounds like
you're just shaking it.

I got my own process, Bob!

Ugh, kids, what are you doing?

We're making a napkin swamp.

We're just pouring water on
a bunch of napkins, basically.

It's like being
back on the bayou.

Well, you're making
a giant mess.

W-where's your mom?

What happened
to Restaurant Camp?

Mom said the last day of
camp was a free day.

She's in the basement
grinding meat.

Get out of work,

well, I'll show you.

Uh-oh, looks like
there was a murder!

Napkin Swamp.

Stop! You know what?

Restaurant Camp is cancelled.

Just... everybody, go upstairs.

Go upstairs and do what?

Whatever you want, just go.

So, no Restaurant Camp
and no restaurant?

And no pants?

Keep them on
till you're upstairs!

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of...

So much galloping!

Branch, branch!

Plops!

This is the life, huh, Gene?

Good-bye, restaurant,
good-bye, Restaurant Camp.

Good-bye, arts and crafts.

I mean, I am happy with how
my god's eye straw bra came out.

God's getting an eyeful,
but, uh, yeah.

No more, thank you.

I did kind of like Apron Face,

and it may be my Halloween
costume this year,

but, yeah, good riddance.

Yup.
‭Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

We miss Restaurant Camp.

What?

It gave us
structure and purpose,

and it got us inner-city kids

out of the city for a change.

You-you miss Restaurant Camp?

What do you mean
you miss Restaurant Camp?

I kind of shut it down
and told them to go upstairs.

Of course!

It all makes sense!

It's a classic camp movie story.

The kids just needed
to have the camp

taken away from them
by Old Man Belcher.

The bastard!

He can go to hell!
Kids.

There must be some
way we can convince

Old Man Belcher
not to shut us down.

- Bastard.
- Gene.

Oh, we got to do a show.

A camp show with skits
and songs and skit songs.

It's perfect!

So, how about it,
Old Man Belcher?

Uh...

These skits better

be pretty damn good.

Yay! ‭Yay! ‭Yay!

Plops?

Anyone?

Doris?

Hello?

Plops!

You came back for me!

Crap.

♪ Restaurant camp is the ♪

♪ Best-aurant camp ♪

♪ All the rest of
the camps just aren't ♪

♪ That's why dear ♪

♪ Old restaurant camp is
in our little hearts. ♪

Well, Old Man Belcher?

Did we save the camp or what?

The camp stays open.

Hurray!

That was so moving.

Changing the subject,

turns out I cannot
fix the deep fryer,

but who needs fries?

Chips.

You guys have chips, Bob?

Uh, no.
‭Damn it!

Are you serious?!

Oh, my God, what time is it?

We're late for Tina's

riding exhibition thingy!
We got to go!

Okay, Jocelyn, let's see a turn!

Look, Mom, I'm on a horse.

I know.

Oh, good, we found you.

Not really, I kind
of just walked back here.

Well, uh, Plops is in his stall.

Oh, good.

Jocelyn, finish up with a trot!

Okay.

Tina, come on, get Plops.

You're next.

Hey, Tina.

Need a ride?

Jericho, you're here.

How about you drop the Plops

and make the swap?

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

Doris, I'm not going
to ride Plops.

I brought my own horse.
‭Huh?

His name is Jericho,
and I don't know

if you can tell,
but he's imaginary.

I want to ride on a horse that loves
me because I deserve that.

Um...

Did we miss it?
Did we miss it?

No, looks like Tina's
just about to start,

but wait, where's Plops?

So... mount your...

uh...
I'll take it from here, Doris.

Oh, all right, yeah.

She's riding Jericho.

She-she's doing what?

Turning!

Let's see this pony run.

God, her form is perfect.

Taking this jump!

What jump?
What's going on?

Taking a higher jump!

I'm okay.

A little too high.

She got back on.

She's so brave.

So, we paid all
that money for Tina

to ride an imaginary horse.

Yeah, but look how happy she is.

She's beautiful out there.

Yeah, she is.

Dad, I want an imaginary horse.

I-I-I'll find you one
right away, honey.

I'll m-make a call, hold on.

Yay, that's my daughter!

Way to go, Tina!

I love my weird, brave sister!
‭Ride,

you glorious fool, ride!

Neigh!

♪ Woo-hoo! ♪

♪ Woo-hoo! ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.