Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 18 - Secret Admiral-irer - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Jimmy Jr.,

it's nice of you to walk me
home from school today.

Uh, I'm walking
home next to you.

We go in the same direction.

Hey, look at that cloud.

What does it look like to you?

Uh... I guess it's gonna rain?

You don't see two
people holding hands?

And one of them
might have glasses on?

Uh...



Forecast calls for
palm-on-palm contact?

I don't see it, Tina.

I'm gonna go before
my hair gets wet, though.

Bye.
‭Bye.

Wait for us! You're supposed
to hold our hands

when we cross the street!

Oh, my God, a street!

Yay!

Sorry, Tina.

Think I saw what you were
trying to do there and, uh...

I read you loud and clear.

I don't get it.

I-I thought Jimmy Jr.
and I were clicking.

I think that sometimes you think



that things are romantic

when they're, like, not.
I do?

It's like when we saw
that dog attacking a squirrel

and you thought
they were "really connecting."

They were totally
into each other.

Well, off to spend time
with the elderly.

You mean Mom and Dad?

No, the Thundergirls
are volunteering

at a nursing home
today. Gotta go.

Soak up their wisdom
and sample their puddings!

Tina?
‭That's me.

You're with Meryl, in the room
at the end of the hallway.

She might enjoy it
if you read to her

because her eyesight
is very poor.

So is mine.
That's why I wear these.

Hey, that can be our icebreaker.
‭Mm-hmm.

Hi.

Hi?

Meryl, I'm Tina.

Um, I was expecting
someone older...

and female.

Meryl's my great-aunt.
‭Oh.

Joel, who is that?

I'm Tina from the Thundergirls.

I'm here to spend a minimum
of 45 minutes with you.

Maybe I could read to you?

Oh, you could read me my mail.

Sure!
They don't call me

Tina "I can read
your mail" Belcher for nothing.

Can I get a different one?

Just kidding, j-just kidding.

You'll be fine.

Well, I should get going.

Thanks again for
the birthday check, Aunt Meryl.

Don't spend it all in one place.

I probably will,

because it's only $25.

Joel visits me on his birthday.

And I always give him
a birthday check.

My Aunt Gayle sent me a check,

but I'm not allowed to cash it
until she wins the lottery.

Oh, that's nice.

Should we get readin'?

"Congratulations!"

That's a good start.

Well...
‭Wait.

"You're eligible

for a free trial
gym membership."

Who's it from?

Pretty sure it's from a gym.

I don't know any Jims.

I know a Bert.

Is that what you
were trying to say?

Why don't I put that one
in the junk pile?

Mmm...
Hey, dude?

Who, me?

No. Him.
So, not me?

This burger?
It's phenomenal.

Thank you.
‭You like the coffee?

I made the coffee.

Coffee's good.

I've had peanut butter
on a burger before.

I hated it.
It was terrible.

Oh. Uh... okay.

But, uh...
you made it taste good.

Yeah, man.
Nice dish.

Thanks.
I'm-I'm... glad you like it.

I'm Lionel. Head chef
at Fennel and Fog.

I'm Donny.
Head chef at Succulent.

Wow, I-I've heard of
both of those restaurants.

Succulent!

I have a reservation there
in four weeks at 5:15 p.m.

Don't have a date yet,
but a lot can happen in four weeks.

Do you know if there are

any female reservations for one
around that time?

I'll...
uh, I'll check on that for you.

Make me sound cool.

Should we bring
everyone here tonight?

Oh, yeah!

Hey, can we bring
everyone here tonight?

Um... who's everyone?

Some of our chef buddies,

some of our prep
chefs, sous chefs...

We gotta blow off steam
after work. You know.

Oh, yeah.

Bubble bath, glass of wine,
cookie dough...

Paint just one fingernail,
see what it looks like...

Can we come by around midnight?

Uh, w-we close at 7:00.

Oh, that's no problem.
Open back up. ‭Um...

You're gonna have a bunch
of fellow chefs in here

going crazy for
your crazy good food.

I guess midnight
isn't that late...

and, you know,
I'm usually up around then.

Yeah, to pee.

To pee...
and-and to party.

That's my guy.

Sure, I'll open back up tonight.

Well, count me out.

I got a date with
Mr. Pillow, Mr. Mouth Guard

and my reoccurring dream
about meeting Tyra Banks.

She never remembers me,
but she's nice.

"$16.

$14."

That's less expensive
than the last menu.

Oh.

I fell asleep.

Start over, will you?

That's... um...

I'll just read this last one.

Hey, it's handwritten.

"Dear Meryl,

"I know this might come
as something of a surprise

"and you may not remember me,
but I remember you.

"I saw you at the USO dance
at Morris Hall

almost 60 years ago."

Oh, I remember that dance.

A lot of handsome sailors
at Morris Hall that night.

Handsome sailors.

Yeah.
‭Nice.

"You were wearing
a blue dress and pearls

and you looked
like an angel." Aw!

"I wanted to ask you to dance,
but I was too shy.

And then the dance ended
and I never saw you again."

Oh, no!
Oh, my.

"Now, I'm a retired navy admiral

"and I have lived a full life.

"But I have one regret.

I regret that I didn't ask you
to dance that night." Whoa.

Whoa. ‭"I find myself
thinking about the old days

"and what could have been,

"so I decided to look
you up and reach out.

"I pray this letter
finds you well.

Take care,
Admiral Peter Wilcox."

Wow, Meryl.

Wait, is this
the sushi restaurant?

What? No, it's retired
Navy Admiral Peter Wilcox!

Do you want me
to help you write him back?

Oh, I don't think
I should write him back.

I-I'm too old for...
lovey-dovey stuff.

That's not true! You're never
too old for romance!

Oh, no, no, no.
I have a full life.

We have movie night
every Tuesday.

But you could bring
a date to movie night.

Oh, that's not how
movie night works.

Have you ever been
to movie night?

No.
‭Yeah, it shows.

But what if it's destiny?

What if Admiral Peter Wilcox
is your true love?

Don't you want to find out?

Read me the letter again.
No, no, no, no, don't.

Read me the menu from
the Chinese restaurant again.

Okay. But I just feel like...

Bup, bup, bup.
‭Fine.

$4.95..."

Bob, stop watching
TV and go to bed.

You have to get up
and cook at midnight.

You're gonna be exhausted
if you don't get some sleep.

Yeah, Dad, go to your room.

I'm fine, Lin.
I can stay up until midnight.

And don't forget, these guys
have to work in the morning, too.

Okay.

Gene, Louise, almost
bedtime for you guys.

Two-minute warning.

Wait. I thought Dad
had to go bed, not us.

If Dad has to go bed,
then we can stay up.

It's opposite night!

No, it's not.

So you agree. It is.

No. Yes.

No, wait. Okay.

If it's opposite night,

then you don't
have to go to bed.

You just said it's
opposite night,

which means it's
not opposite night,

which means we don't have
to go to bed, right?

Oh, God.
Wait. Hold on.

Lin, you're letting them
do this to you again.

No. No, Bob, I can do it.

I need a pencil and paper,
and nobody talk.

So everybody talk?

Talk, talk, talk, talk,

talk, talk, talk, talk, talk...

Shush, shush!
Stop it!

Come on, Tina.
It's bedtime soon.

It's not opposite night,
no matter what anybody says.

Okay. I just have to finish
this letter and mail it.

What letter?
Oh, it's, uh...

it's for Thundergirls.

To get my...
letter-mailing patch.

Ah, so specific!

Okay, hurry up.

"Admiral Peter,
I was so thrilled to hear from you.

"I remember that night
like it was yesterday.

"You were so dashing
in your uniform.

"How was the navy?

"Did you eat
a lot of navy beans?

"LOL.

"Anyway, I want you to know

"that I'm not
too old for romance.

"Let's be friends.

"Or maybe more.
Like boyfriend/girlfriend.

"Anyway, take care.

XOXO, Meryl."

Ah! Paper cut!

What? ‭I'm okay.

Whoa.

Bobby?

Where the hell is he?
Someone check the kitchen.

Aah!

I think somebody cooked Dad!

Oh, no!

Did you hear that?

He's over here.

‭Bob. Are you okay?

Who did this to you?
Who did this to you?!

What time is it?
‭lt's 8:00.

I must have passed out.

After Taj and I made
goat massaman curry.

Who's Taj?

He's a friend of Lionel's.

What the hell happened?

Well, it started with me

making a bunch of burgers
for about 15 restaurant people.

Then we drank a lot of wine,

and then Taj brought
a whole goat,

and then we drank some
grain alcohol from Iceland.

Bjork's hard lemonade?

Poor Bob.
I guess you can rest up tonight.

I can't rest tonight.

I'm meeting them at Lionel's.

At midnight.
What?

It was fun, Lin.
Last night.

I-I think I found my people.

All right, I'll be right back.

I-I just have to throw up
a little bit.

All right, kids, come on,
start cleaning up.

Why?
We didn't do this!

Yeah, the party machine did.

Yeah, well,

it's opposite-mess-
you-gotta-clean-up day,

so hop on it.
Let's go.

Hey, if you write a letter

and sign someone else's name,

is that a federal offense?

I'm asking for a friend.

A cool friend you'd really like.

Did you forge a letter, Tina?

No! What? What do you mean?

Why would you even say that...

Okay, fine. I did.

But don't tell Meryl.

Wait. Who's Meryl?

I think that's an expression.

Like, "I just farted.
Don't tell Meryl."

Meryl's my old lady friend
at the nursing home.

She got a beautiful,
romantic letter

from a retired navy admiral.

She didn't want
to write him back,

so I kind of wrote him
back for her.

Tina, Tina, Tina...

Romancing the bones, huh?

Bones that don't want
to be romanced?

Bones that just want
to be left alones?

I know what I'm doing!
I think.

There's another
goat over here!

No, wait, it's a cat.

No, wait, it's
somebody's jacket.

Tina, it's been nice having
you visit me so often.

If you're lonely, you know,

you could get a pet.
‭Yeah.

Finally!
The mail!

I mean, thanks.

He wrote back!

Meryl, I have
a confession to make.

Last week,
when the admiral wrote you a letter

and you didn't want to
write him back... Yeah?

I kind of wrote him back
for you...

and signed your name
instead of mine.

Tina.
Just listen to what he wrote.

"I'm so happy you wrote back.

"Let's go back in time

and recreate the night
of the dance."

Oh...
‭Romantic!

Ah...

"You wear your dress and pearls

"and I'll wear my navy whites

and we'll pretend it's 60 years ago."
Oh.

"And this time,
when the music plays,

I won't lose my nerve."

Oh, my.

That gave me goose bumps.

Is that what this is?

I don't know, it's hard to tell.

It might be shingles.

What should I do?

About the shingles
or about the date?

The date! The date!

Oh, do you have a blue dress?

I think so.
And I still have my pearls.

They're in a storage unit.

I thought I'd never
need them again.

I can get them for you. So?

Should we write the admiral
and make a date for a dance?

Yes! I can't believe
this is happening.

I feel like a schoolgirl!
‭Me, too!

I mean, I am a schoolgirl.

But Yay!
‭Yay!

So pretty.

I wish I were a 90-year-old
going to a dance.

Okay, Mom, that's
enough pearl time.

Give 'em back.

Yeah, it's my turn.
Again?

I helped Tina find them,
I earned double pearl time.

But I drove you to
Meryl's storage unit.

Hmm.

Uh, hi, can I ask a question?

Why does pearl time
have to happen in here

while I'm trying to take a nap?

Why are you taking a nap
during pearl time?

Yeah.
‭No, no, it's okay.

Let's clear out, kids.

Your father needs a disco nap
so he can go party

with his chef friends.

That's not all we do, Lin,

we talk shop.

It's like a chef roundtable

that happens at a round table
at a restaurant

where they sell
a lot of alcohol.

An alcohol restaurant.

You're an amazing
role model, Dad.

Thanks, Louise.

Meryl, I brought the Glam Squad.

Louise, plug in the curlers.

A "please" would be nice.

Gene, plug in the tunes.

I hope you like reggae.

Let's take Meryl

from senior
to have-you-seen-her?

Just a little more blush.

Little more.

Okay, maybe a little less.

Hi, Aunt Meryl.

What's going on in here?

Joel!

Did we have a visit today?

Yeah, we did, it's my birthday.

Oh, of course.

Let me get my checkbook.

Wait, Joel, I thought
your birthday was last week.

Well, you're wrong.

My birthday is today.

Right, Aunt Meryl?

Joel visits every year
on his birthday.

Hmm.

Sounds like, at the rate
you're having birthdays,

pretty soon you're
gonna be older than Meryl.

Uh... can I have a word
with my aunt in private?

I want to talk
about nephew stuff.

Joel puts the "ew" in "nephew."

Yeah, and also the "eh."

Oh, hey, Joel.

We weren't just
talking about you.

Same here.

Happy birthday.

But not today because
it's not your birthday today.

Unless it is
and last week wasn't.

Um...
‭Nailed you.

Now, what should
we do with your hair?

Lady mullet.
I used to wear it up.

Boo.

Tina, question.
Where are the pearls?

On the dresser.

Not anymore.

The pearls.

They're gone.

Joel!

Joel will never be
able to pull those off.

I got a call from a Meryl
Winters about stolen pearls.

Uh, one moment, Sergeant Bosco.

Hey, Meryl, we'll be just a sec.

Nothing happening out here.
Heh.

No problem, I'm happy
to have some alone time.

Sergeant Bosco, we called you.

Meryl has no idea
her pearls were stolen.

Because you kids stole them?

What? No.

Her nephew Joel stole them.

But she doesn't
know that either.

She can't know any of this
until after tonight.

We have a big date with
a retired navy admiral.

Okay, so Joel the nephew
stole the pearls

on the night of the big date
with the retired navy admiral.

Let me just close
my notebook here.

Don't waste my time.

I'm a real policeman.

It's true, there really are
stolen pearls.

But we need to keep it a secret.

I've got a secret for you.

I'm leaving.

That's not how secrets work!

I'll let you know
if anything turns up

in the process of
my exhaustive investigation.

Hello, Mother.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Tina, you okay?

Yep, I was just saying,

"Damn it, this dance is gonna be
damn great. Damn it!"

Here you go.
Burger of the Day, Teddy.

Uh... what is it?

Well, it's an open-faced burger
with ketchup gel

and emulsified cheese.

Where's the bun?
It's on the bottom.

Why would you put it
on the bottom?

It's supposed to be
on the top, eh.

Because it's
a new presentation, Teddy.

Where's the lettuce?
It's under the foam.

What, am I supposed to
wash my hands in this?

Gross.
‭

Taj and I came up
with it last night.

It sounded good when
we were talking about it,

but I realized today it
takes me an hour to make.

Eh, a little more.

While we're on the subject
of being a little "eh,"

what's with the coat?
His friend Lionel gave it to him.

The jacket looks good,

but you, on the other hand, ugh.

Yeah, I don't feel so great.

I mean, last night
was pretty crazy.

Lionel wanted to go
to the fish market

to get first pick of
the line-caught swordfish,

but we never made it 'cause
we kept stopping off for drinks.

Geez, Bob, you're really
burning the candle at both ends.

You can't keep this up, Bob.

I know you think these
are your people,

but you're old enough to be
their not very cool uncle.

Well, I'm pretty sure
we're all staying in tonight.

I mean, we got to take
a break at some point.

Ugh, Lionel wants
to meet a restaurant

in Little Romania tonight.

I'm not gonna go.

He says I'm going.
I guess I'm going.

But I-I'm not gonna drink.

"We're all drinking tsuica."

It's Romanian
schnapps apparently.

Oh, my God.

Well, it was nice
knowing you, Bob.

I'll take good care
of Linda and the kids for you.

Thanks, Teddy.

You need any help
with your dress, Meryl?

I'm okay.
I don't remember...

being a turtleneck.

You have your head
through the arm hole.

But other than that,
you look great.

So what do we do
about the necklace?

Look, chalky white mints.

They're not that good.
Avoid.

No, if we get some
dental floss and some glue,

we'll have some pearls.

Some fresh smelling pearls.

So we're not gonna tell her
that her nephew stole her necklace.

Later, after the dance.
We'll break it to her then,

and she'll be so in love
with the admiral,

that she won't even care
that her nephew's a thief.

I just know it.

The admiral.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

There is no admiral.

What?
‭What?

Joel comes every week
and gets a $25 birthday check,

but he wants more.

And he knows
Aunt Meryl has pearls,

but he doesn't know
where she keeps them.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Nodding along but confused.

Joel creates the admiral
and this romantic dance baloney

so she'll take her pearls out

from wherever
she's storing them,

and once they're here,
they're easy to swipe.

Joel sent that letter,
don't you see?

No, it can't be.

Come on, Tina, Joel shows up
on the exact same day

the admiral's supposed to come?

Isn't that a little
coincidental?

"You wear your dress and pearls,

and I'll wear my navy whites."

Whites. Whites.

And I still have my pearls.

They're in a storage unit.

Unit. Unit.

Can I have a word
with my aunt in private?

Private. Private.

Oh, my God.

When you replied
to "the admiral,"

you set this whole thing
in motion.

Sorry, T, this romance
is a "faux-mance."

Huh, huh, huh, huh.

Tina, are you okay?

Meryl, we have something
to tell you.

I have something
to tell you, too.

I haven't had anything to look
forward to in quite some time.

They're not
as "handsy-outsy" with the meds

as they used to be around here.

But tonight I have something
to look forward to.

Thanks to you, Tina.

I'm Gene.
‭Where's Tina?

I'm over here.

Tina, move your arms around.

It'll help me see.

There you are,
my magnificent matchmaker.

Uh...

Uh, Meryl, will you excuse us
for a second?

Okay.

You guys,
the admiral might not be real,

but Meryl's dance can be.
Huh?

This can still work.
We just need an admiral.

So her nephew fooled her
and now we're gonna fool her, too?

But we're fooling her for love,
not for money.

I'll tell her the truth
after the dance.

Well, that won't be
a totally awkward conversation.

Meryl, get ready because
the admiral is on his way.

After we find an admiral.

And after we find more mints.

This hat was once a Tom Skerritt
in Top Gun Halloween costume

and now look at it.
Hmm.

I think this is gonna work.

He's starting to look
like a real admiral, sort of.

‭And we found a good use

‭for
your super special chef jacket.

This is such, such a bad idea.

Shh.
It's all a dream.

Go back to sleep.

He's weak, he can't stop us.

Keep taping.
I got to sit down.

You are sitting down, Dad.
Oh, my God.

So you think Meryl won't notice

this cheese on
your father's shoulders?

Her eyesight is really bad.

So you think she won't notice
there's a little bite out of it?

Mom, don't eat
the shoulder cheese.

Aw.

I really need a nap.

Damn it, sailor,
you can nap after

you've given Meryl
a night of romance.

That means a smooch, too,
if she wants it.

Gene.
‭Mm.

Okay, Meryl, you ready?

I think so.

You look great,

and your pearls have
never looked more real.

Thank you.
Hit it, Gene.

Oh.

Um...

Hello, Meryl.

I'm Peter, uh...

retired Admiral

of the Navy.

Peter, hi.

Good evening, Admiral.

You look as beautiful
as I remember.

You look official.

May I have this dance?

I'd be honored.

It's working.

Aw, they look so cute together.

I hope they have weird, old babies.

Aw, weird, old babies.

Is that cheese?
‭Oh. Yeah.

I was, uh, given...

the cheese by the Swiss Navy.

What's... happening
to your uniform?

It's, um... it's old.

Oh, no.

You tried, T.

I got to tell her.

Meryl?

What the hell?
Who's that?

The male nurses here
really dress up.

Who are you?

It's me, Admiral Peter Wilcox.

Huh? ‭Huh?
‭What?!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, the admiral's real.

But who are you?
‭Oh, uh,

I guess I'm not
Admiral Peter Wilcox.

I'm, um, Admiral
William... P-Peacocks.

Wh-What a mix-up.

Dismissed!
Dismissed!

Oh. Right. Uh...

Excuse me.
Admiral.

Admiral?

Meryl, may I finally
have this dance?

Uh... y-yes.

That other one was too
old for me, I think.

And soft. I mean, I like Jell-O,

but I don't want
to dance with it.

I don't get it.
The admiral is real?

I guess I was right
about all this romance stuff.

I knew it!
I mean, I doubted it,

but before that, I knew it.

All right,
maybe the admiral is real,

but Joel still took the pearls.

That's not romantic,
that's cold-blooded.

Oh, my God, the pearls!

Whoa. Meryl had the pearls
in her purse.

They weren't stolen at all.

Hey, you were wrong
about everything, Louise.

Okay,
that's not how I'd put it.

Hooray for romance!
True love does exist.

Remind me to tell Jimmy Jr.
that true love exists.

Oh, you're gonna make his day.

Hey, should we call
Sergeant Bosco

and let him know
we found the pearls?

Nah. I'm sure he's totally
forgotten about this case.

Joel Glassman?

Yes?

Sergeant Bosco. Robbery.

Oh, my God! Is this
about the birthday checks?

I swear to God I'll stop.
I'll rip up the check.

I-I'll give her
all the money back!

I... Oh, my God!

Stop crying.
Stop crying.

I-I'm not crying!

Stop crying.
‭I'm not crying!

Bob! Bob!

Bob! Bob!
What the hell is that?

It's them! Turn off the TV!

Okay, okay, okay.
Get on the floor. Get down.

We know you're up there!

We saw you turn off the TV!

Make us a burger!

They won't stop.
They're never gonna stop.

I'm so scared.

All right, calm down, calm down.

How about this?
I'll tell them you died.

Great idea. Thank you.
Love you.

He's dead! Go away! He's dead!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.