Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 15 - Pro Tiki/Con Tiki - full transcript
Bob's friend Warren comes to visit and makes an offer to invest in the restaurant; Bob is hesitant when he finds out about Warren's interior design ideas.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
(phone ringing)
That ringtone is played out.
Why can't land lines
have funky ringtones?
I kind of like the ring.
(phone ringing) (imitates):
Ring...
It's classic.
Bob's Burgers.
Yes, this is Bob.
Hey, Warren Fitzgerald?
How's it going?
Long time no talk!
Warren Fitzgerald?
Dad's childhood friend
who got rich?
Uh, Dad's childhood friend
who got super rich.
He's actually real?
I thought that was
Dad's alter ego,
like in Fight Club.
Kids, shush.
Uh, what were you saying?
Oh, Warren Fitzgerald is real.
He's, like, ten feet tall,
or maybe I was just
really young when I met him.
No, he might be that tall.
He can afford extra leg.
And all the toes he wants!
Great, talk to you soon.
So, how's the richest
man you know?
Wait, are you
the poorest man he knows?
Probably. But he's great.
And he's gonna be in town,
and he wants to come
stay with us this weekend.
Is that okay?
Of course.
He's your only friend.
I mean, your oldest friend.
Good, because I kind of
already told him he could.
This is gonna be fun.
Dad, you are positively giddy.
Yeah, you're glowing.
Are you pregnant?
It's just that, you know,
Warren was, like,
the guy in high school.
He was... he was, like,
the leader of our little group.
Oh, that must have been
a tough job to get.
Was he the Fonz?
He made the Fonz look
like Potsie. Whoa.
That's great.
But he wants to stay with us?
Why not stay at a nice hotel?
Or buy a nice hotel?
Yeah.
I, you know, I think
he really wants to reconnect.
And... and get to know
you guys, right?
Get the full Belcher experience.
Ew.
Right, we are disgusting.
So let's not make Warren
sleep on the couch.
I need one of you kids
to give up your room.
Not it! Not it! Ah! Darn.
That's how you guys
settle things? "Not it"?
Yeah.
You want to get involved,
help us sort stuff out?
No, you're good.
Yeah.
Mm...
You sure you don't want
to sleep in my room, Gene?
Uh, this window by the street
will be a little quieter
than your room.
I guess I've been talking
in my sleep a little lately.
More like yelling.
It's like a poetry slam
in there.
Mm... I can make this work.
I hereby declare this
nook New Geneland!
Our primary export
is natural gas!
And Fiats.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, Warren's here.
Hey, we should dump a cup of
water out the window on him.
We used to do that to
each other all the time.
On it!
(panting)
So that's life before
the Internet, huh?
What the... My watch!
It's ruined!
Oh, no!
My grandfather
gave me this watch!
Uh-oh.
Oh, crap! I'm sorry!
Oh, my God. Sorry!
(laughing): Bob! Gotcha!
I don't even have a watch.
Or a grandfather.
(laughing)
So now that I've sold
my company,
I'm just taking some time
to reconnect
with friends and family.
And you guys are like
friends and family.
So... kill two birds
with one stone.
Not that I'm trying to kill you.
Oh, phew.
Warren, a man of your means
is gonna need some
executive protection.
I can offer my services
starting at five percent
of your net worth.
'Kay, show me what you got.
Well, I can do this move.
It's called
"Give the rich guy some space!"
(strained):
But I want to touch the rich guy!
You got skills, Louise,
but I had all of my blood
and organs replaced
with steel...
a lot of rich people
are doing it now...
so I'm immortal
and I can't be hurt,
so I don't need security.
Of course.
Warren, did you have dinner?
Uh, I had a salad, so... no.
Well, you want to go downstairs
and I can whip up
a couple burgers?
Yeah, I do.
I finally get to try one
of those famous burgers.
And later, Dad can give you
one of his famous backrubs!
♪ ♪
Man, this is a great burger.
I mean, I was
ready to like it...
I had a fake compliment
locked and loaded...
but I really love it.
Thanks.
What was the fake
compliment you had?
"Man, this is a great burger!"
That's what you said.
Yeah, but I meant it.
(phone rings)
Oh, hold on. Hello?
Are you and Warren gonna
come up and say good night
or are we just going to do it
over the phone, like animals?
Good night, Gene.
Good night, Father.
Now put Warren on, please.
He deserves to be good night-ed.
My son wants to say good night.
Oh! Good night, Gene.
Good night, Warren.
(whispers):
Can you bring up some fries?
Is he asking you
to bring him fries?
No...
(whispers):
He's onto us, I gotta go.
Go to bed, Gene.
I'm in bed, I'm just hungry!
So, this place must
do pretty well, huh?
Yeah, I mean, pretty well.
Business is up
and down, you know.
Okay, mostly downs.
Never really an up.
That doesn't
make sense to me, Bob.
I mean, that was the best burger
I've ever had
and I've had a burger in Japan
that cost $1,700.
What? H-How was it $1,700?
Well, they put all sorts
of fancy stuff on it...
foie gras, an edible gold leaf.
You get to eat it
inside a hologram.
You are really rich.
I am. And
I'll tell you something:
I want to invest in you.
What? This place has
untapped potential.
I mean, it's crazy
that it hasn't taken off yet.
You love what you do,
and you have an amazing product.
I want to tap that potential.
I want to tap that!
I don't think you mean
to say it like that.
Oh, yes, I do!
I... (laughs)
Okay, so, invest in me?
What are we talking about, here?
Well, for starters,
I write you a check
for a $100,000.
(coughing)
You okay?
Mm-hmm.
Are you... crying?
(falsetto): No. No. No.
Is your voice getting higher?
(falsetto): Yep!
Okay, anyway, we can talk
about all sorts of things...
branding, marketing,
some sizzle.
Throw out some ideas.
You know, just
business-partner stuff.
For you to take or leave.
Okay, yes!
I didn't really
hear anything you said
after "write you a check
for $100,000," but yes!
Great!
I can't believe this!
(phone rings) Hello?
GENE (deep voice):
Hello, this is the fire department.
There's a ketchup fire upstairs
and we need all
the fries you got!
$100,000.
$100,000!
I mean, how much is that?
Show me the check again.
Show me, show me, show me, show me.
I want to kiss it!
Come here!
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Can I see it?
Wow, I never knew
checks could have commas.
I even put an exclamation point
in there.
I'm as excited as you guys are!
Okay, everybody stop
touching the check.
I'm going to take it
to the bank right now.
I bet he's gonna
drop it in the gutter.
Don't drop it in
the gutter, Bobby!
Don't you drop it!
Tape it to your chest!
BOB: I'm not going to drop it.
Oh, crap.
Never mind, I got it!
Where are your pants, Gene?
I just came from New Geneland,
where you don't need pants.
Well, this is Linda-braska,
so put 'em on.
So, New Geneland's
pretty great, huh?
"Pretty great." It's amazing!
I got the TV right there,
and the pee plant is
just a few steps away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You watched TV
after we went to bed?
No fair.
Yes, and if last night
is any indication,
we are living in the golden
age of late-night talk shows.
Did you say "pee plant"?
And you are welcome
to use it, sir.
Oh, thanks, but I'm-I'm covered.
I've got a pee shoe
in your closet.
Oh, right.
My rain boots.
I was kidding.
Do you really pee
in your rain boots?
No...
♪ ♪
I would like to make
a deposit, please.
Oh, Bob. Has it gotten this bad?
What?
What-what do you mean?
Nothing. Just a moment,
I have to make
a quick phone call.
Are you having your security
guard stand over me?
No, no, no, no,
shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hello, Mr. Warren Fitzgerald?
Yes, I'm the manager at
the First Oceanside Savings Bank,
and I have a Bob Belcher here
trying to deposit a check
with your name on it
for $100,000.
Oh, wow. Thank you for
alerting me to this.
I have no idea who that...
What did... what did you say
his name is? Bob Belcher?
Yeah, I-I have
no idea who he is.
So it is fraud.
Wait, wh-what?
He's saying you committed fraud.
I-I didn't, that's my friend.
W-what... wait...
Thank you for confirming this,
and we'll have
the proper authorities...
Oh, wait, wait.
Bob Belcher. Yes, yes, yes.
I thought you said Boab Belcher.
It just sounded weird
when you said it.
I did write him that check.
You did.
WARREN: Mm-hmm.
And it wasn't a terrible mistake
you made by accident?
No. Or a lapse in judgment.
Nope.
Serious head injury?
(chuckles) No.
Are you sure?
I'm quite sure.
Okay, then, very well.
Ha!
What, Bob?
Ha! Put that down
in the comments section
on my account.
Bob... says... "ha."
Good one, Warren.
You got me.
That guy was so ready
to have you arrested, Bob.
Yep, that's my banker.
That should be their slogan:
"We're ready
to have you arrested!"
What are you guys doing?
Uh, measuring the window
for an awning.
I take it you've met, then.
Yup. I heard all
about it from Linda.
Congrats, Bob.
I always knew you'd
make it big time
if one of your old friends
ever made a bunch of money.
Thanks, Teddy.
I already made a list of repairs
that we can get started on.
It's funny, it came
out to exactly
$100,000 worth of work.
(laughs) It adds up.
It adds up, Bobby.
All right, take it easy, Teddy.
Yeah. (bell jingles)
I'm riding this one out
as far as she'll go, Bob!
This is my big break, too!
Quit smudging!
An awning could be
a good idea. Sure.
But I'm surprised you
went for the tiki thing.
(bell jingles) The tiki thing?
Yeah.
You didn't know?
It's gonna be
a palm-frond awning.
We're gonna tiki-fy the place.
"Tiki-fy"?
Oh, you're pranking me.
I-I get it.
Good one.
No, no, I'm serious, Bob.
It's business 101.
You need an entry point, a hook.
I-I figured
we would use the money
to maybe upgrade some equipment,
or do some advertising, but...
This is advertising!
You lure people in with
something flashy and fun,
something
that distinguishes you,
and once they're in,
you wow them with your product.
Makes sense to me.
Thank you, Teddy.
My entry point is my bangs.
Then I wow them with
my winning personality.
You wow me with your breath.
Thank you.
Hey! I just realized
it's called an awning
because it's "on" the window.
Oh, yeah!
It's just, tiki, I mean...
should we talk about this?
Hey, if you don't like it,
we can do something else,
but I think
you're gonna like it.
It goes with the whole
beach town thing.
You walk in here, see the tiki,
and you say, "Yeah.
It makes sense. Perfect."
We do live by the beach.
I... I don't know.
Don't-don't worry, Bob.
The destination
is still your burger,
but the restaurant
is the journey there.
Wow, I just got chills.
From me.
Okay...
Plus, I found a bunch
of tiki stuff for sale
at a place that went out
of business in Bog Harbor.
But they went out of business
so that doesn't seem like...
They didn't have
your superior product, Bob.
Tell you what,
I'll go check that stuff out
and you keep Tik-ing about it.
See? All these fun jokes
we can make?
Yup, that's... great.
(door opens, bell jingles)
I mean, we'll think of better
ones, but you get the idea.
See you in a bit!
A theme? Lin,
we already have a theme.
It's a restaurant.
Restaurant theme.
It'll probably be
just a couple things
to spruce up the place,
you know?
Nothing crazy.
So, this is a lot
of stuff.
Yeah, great stuff.
We got the tiki water pitchers,
the tiki salt
and pepper shakers.
Tiki straws for tiki spitballs.
(door opens, bell jingles) Ow.
Umbrellas for the drinks.
In case it rains,
keep the ice dry.
Couple of tiki statues...
ooh, scary!
Where do these guys go?
Wherever there's space...
tables, countertops, everywhere!
What's this?
That's to wrap around
the bottom of the counter.
Ooh, our counter's gonna look
like a sexy hula dancer!
Should I start wearing
a coconut bra?
No. Yes.
Everybody's thinking it.
And here's the crown jewel
of it all...
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
(gasps) You can talk!
(chuckles)
It's on a motion detector.
You put it near the door,
and when people walk by,
it says, "Aloha."
I wanted that job.
Wow, I, uh, usually don't
like sunglasses indoors,
but that pineapple
really pulls it off.
That is one cool fruit.
People are gonna go crazy
for that pineapple.
Yeah. What a time to be alive.
You're gonna love
the giant volcano it sits on.
Will you give me
a hand with it, Teddy?
Sure, sure.
Moving mountains.
This is what God must feel like.
(bell jingles) (hesitantly):
Well, this is very exciting.
And now we don't need
to go to Hawaii.
(laughs) PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Aloha to you.
Hey, pineapple,
if I'm supposed to marry a cute boy
and live on a horse
farm, say "aloha."
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Yes.
And if you're kidding,
say "aloha" again.
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Damn.
Kids, enough.
Leave the pineapple alone.
(Teddy and Warren grunting)
God, that is really giant.
WARREN:
Yeah, I got the biggest one.
So what do you think, partner?
Great. Really great.
(grunts)
And this is all just
the tip of the iceberg.
I have two words for you, Bob:
Mai-tai fries.
What?
They're like daiquiri fries
but Mai tai.
It's the next big thing.
We'll talk about it later.
And here you go.
Aloha!
Aloha!
Aloha!
Aloha!
Eh, I will not
get tired of this.
Nobody's gonna get tired
of any of this stuff.
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
I'm freaky for tiki!
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
BOB: Oh, my God.
Back to the Future.
Mein Back.
Back to the Future II.
Men in Back II.
Guess Who's Back?
Yes!
Yes to which one?
Well, hers,
'cause it's a real movie,
and it's the one
I was thinking of.
Oh, that's how you play.
Our team wins.
And we lose.
Thanks for phoning it in, Dad.
Wow, that was great.
So this is what a real family
does for fun, huh?
That was the first time
we ever played charades.
We thought you wanted to do it.
Yeah, because you said,
"Should we play charades now?"
Either way, good game, everyone,
but I am beat.
I got to hit the sack.
Good night, Bob's wonderful family.
LOUISE: Sweet dreams.
TINA: Sleep tight.
BOB AND LINDA: Good night.
Adios.
So, Bob,
you've been a little quiet tonight.
Is everything okay?
Okay? Everything's great.
(Warren sings indistinctly)
My old friend is here.
He's singing in the bathroom.
WARREN: ♪ Ooh, got
a little pee on the seat ♪
♪ But they'll never know
it was me... ♪
He put $100,000
into our business,
and he is "the guy,"
so it's all...
it's all... it's good.
Oh. Good, good.
Hundred thousand dollars, Lin.
Yeah.
And the guy knows what he's doing.
Right.
Hundred thousand dollars.
Guy knows what he's doing.
You just said that.
Oh, good.
You heard it, too.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Everything's gonna be great.
Everything's great.
Great. Great, great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great, great.
Great.
Well, the king of New Geneland
has grown weary, so peace out.
You know, Gene,
I thought I'd do you a favor
and give you my room tonight.
Eh, I'll slum it out here.
Thanks, but no.
I want to watch TV
after everyone goes to bed.
You should have thought of that
before you said, "Not it!" Snap.
Come on, just trade
me one night.
There's nothing in
the world I'd trade
for a night in New Geneland.
I'll give you my peanut
that's shaped like a butt.
Deal, but for tomorrow night.
I've already got the Dutch oven
set at the perfect temperature.
Fine.
♪ ♪
Okay, pineapple, do your job.
Bring people in.
Aloha!
No, I know.
That's what you say.
Aloha!
Right, I'm just gonna
stop talking to you now.
Just work your island magic.
(bell jingles)
Aloha!
Whoa.
Well, aloha to you, too.
This is fun.
Hi, uh, table for four?
Yes, please.
Are you guys new?
No, we've actually been
here a really long time.
Huh, we never noticed
this place before,
and then we saw
all the tiki stuff,
and we were like,
"Oh, that looks like fun."
We are fun.
Yes, we are.
I'm gonna text Frank and tell
him to bring everyone here.
Frank's gonna love this place.
So everything taste okay?
Super fun.
Oh.
Uh, people normally don't say
things taste "fun,"
but as long as you're happy.
Frank, you good?
Mmm!
(bell jingles) Aloha! (laughs)
Another box?
Yep.
Warren sent me to get
some Hawaiian shirts.
Hawaiian shirts?
Yeah, I think it's what
the Hawaiian army wears.
Oh, this one's yours, Bob.
Huh, parrots. They're fun.
Ooh, you know what would go
great with that shirt?
A real parrot.
Worth a shot.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Bob, are you doing okay?
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
You sure?
Yep. Yep.
Your face is a little scrunchie.
(door opens, bell jingles)
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Hey, tiki theme. Nice.
I'd eat here.
(chuckles)
You're finally doing
something right, Bob.
Pulled your head
out of your butt,
you washed your hair,
and everything's fine.
Warren, we need to talk.
I know what you're gonna say:
"Where are the rest
of the menus?"
The kids are helping
with a little redesign.
These menus are going from
laminated to "ka-blaminated."
Ugh. Warren, I want
to give you your money back.
♪ ♪
What?!
I think he said,
"Would you like
a bowl of Honey Smacks?"
Yeah, 'cause that makes
a lot more sense
than "I want to give you
your money back."
I'll take a bowl
of Honey Smacks.
♪ ♪
I'm not taking
the money back, Bob.
Yes, you are. You have to.
No, I don't,
and you can't make me.
Well, that's checkmate, Dad.
You got to keep it.
Yeah, and also we should
probably keep it.
(sighs) This was a bad idea.
I-I never should have
taken it in the first place.
I don't want to have
to answer to someone else.
Even if it's a friend.
Especially if it's a friend.
So please take it back.
You're making a lot
of great points,
but no, the answer's no.
Oh, and you're not
making great points.
Well, I'm going to the bank
to get you a cashier's check.
Well, I won't cash it.
Then I'll have the money
wired to your account, Warren.
Then I'm gonna close
all of my accounts, Bob.
Don't let him leave!
Deploy menus!
Ow! Ow! Stop it. (grunting)
Ow! Stop!
No!
Why are you so good
at throwing menus?
What do you think we do all day?
So you want me to take
the money from your account
and wire it back
to Mr. Fitzgerald?
Yes, please.
Just saying it out loud sounds
like a bad idea, so no.
Wait, what? You-you have to.
I do not have to.
I don't have his account number
or any idea who he banks with.
You have a copy of his check.
Well, not handy.
Ugh, forget it.
Just cut me a cashier's check
made out to Warren Fitzgerald.
Okay, Bob.
You know best.
He said unconvincingly.
♪ ♪
(bell jingles) Aloha!
Don't you dare.
Please tell me you didn't
wire Warren's money back
and ruin our futures.
Our already fragile futures.
Of course he didn't.
He wouldn't do
that without discussing it
with his wife, right, Bob?
They wouldn't let me
wire the money.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, good. Good for them.
Oh, thank God.
So I got the cashier's check.
Son of a bitch!
Damn it!
I told you, Bob,
I won't cash it.
Warren, you're taking
your money back.
You are making a huge mistake.
Your business is just
starting to click.
Look around.
I can't do this, Warren.
This? This isn't us.
This isn't who we are.
Not even the pineapple?
It kind of looks like Tina.
Huh, I see it.
Especially the pineapple!
So here, take the check.
No. I'm putting it in your hand,
Warren.
Close your hand.
I won't!
Take it!
And take all of
your stupid tiki stuff.
It's not stupid, Bob.
It's an entry point.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
LINDA: Oh! Oh!
Tiki's not stupid, it's fun.
Of course you'd say that.
You're stupid, too.
You're all stupid.
Hey.
Sorry, I didn't mean that,
you're not... you're not stupid.
Thank you. But you didn't
come here for the food,
you came here
for the tiny umbrellas
and the talking pineapple.
I love that pineapple.
And that's a really dumb way
to choose a place to have lunch!
Why are you throwing
a tantrum, Tantrum O'Neil?!
Because I...
Hey.
Hate... tiki!
What...
(sighs) Well, tiki's...
(grunts)
a great... idea!
Ow! You are taking this check
if I have to shove it
in your pocket myself.
Don't let him in there, Warren!
TINA: Turn your pockets
inside out like a magician!
WARREN: Hey!
GENE: Tiki tussle!
Uh, they're old friends.
They're-they're friends.
(slow-motion): Aloha!
GENE: No!
(Warren yells)
Okay, okay.
I'll take the check.
Good. Finally.
Rip, rip, rip, rip,
rip, rip, rip.
Damn it!
You think you can just come in
here and... change everything,
just because you're
a... huge success?!
No, I'm a success just because
I have a lot of money,
I drive a nice car,
I recently got my pilot's
license for the plane I bought.
That's what makes me a success!
Yes, you're the guy.
You were always the guy.
You were the leader.
(grunts)
Bob, you were the guy.
What? Y-you thought
I was the guy?
Dad was the Fonz?
(gasps) That makes
Mom Pinky Tuscadero.
Yes, you were the leader.
We all wanted to be like you.
I mean, "we" was just
me and that other kid
who hung around with us
that one summer,
but still, and look at you now.
You built this place.
You're doing what you love.
You have something
really special here,
and I wanted to be a part of it.
To be like you.
And I tried to buy my way in.
I think you should be able
to buy your way in.
Right? Am I...
am I alone? Anyone?
Absolutely.
Yes.
No, I can't.
This was your baby, and I never
should have tried to tap that.
Thanks, Warren.
Honestly, you don't need me
or my money.
It's only a matter of time
before this place takes off.
Well, I don't know
about that, but maybe.
Probably not. Maybe.
Maybe? Of course
we're gonna make it.
Eventually.
Someday. Right?
And you don't need a partner.
You already have one,
and she's perfect for you.
Who? (gasps) Oh, me.
(Louise clears throat)
WARREN: Yeah, all of you.
Having a family like this
is worth way more than $100,000.
Probably $200,000.
$175,000 to $200,000.
Uh, I get it. We
work well together.
I'm really sorry, Bob.
Thanks, pal.
Me-me, too.
Uh, and I'm sorry I dumped
all over your tiki idea.
There's nothing wrong with tiki.
I would have hated any theme.
I'm a burger man,
not a... this man.
Uh-huh, of course, of course.
What if it had been
a space theme? No.
Underwater? Submarines?
No, no, no, no.
Oh, bus-station bathroom!
Maximum-security prison!
Shoe store?
Shoe store theme!
But we'll sell burgers.
Oh, I'm gonna write these down.
Just in case. Be right back.
♪ ♪
Not only was I able
to unload all that tiki stuff,
I sold it for ten percent
more than I paid for it.
Of course you did.
I just can't lose.
Great, so here's
a second cashier's check.
Thanks, Bob.
Rip, rip, rip, rip.
No, no, no!
Just kidding.
I'm kidding.
(sighs)
Thanks for taking it back.
(Louise grunting)
Louise, stop trying to grab it.
You couldn't cash it anyway.
Don't tell me what I can't cash.
All right, kids, time for bed.
Say good night to Uncle Warren.
Good night!
Night!
Good night!
Good night, everybody.
It's all yours, Louise.
Finally.
Leave only footprints,
take only memories.
Remember this, remember
that, remember this.
Well, it's your last
night here, Warren.
Anything you want to do?
Go grab a beer downstairs?
You got it.
Oh, not with you.
Oh, I thought... What?
Gotcha.
(chuckling):
I can't wait for you to leave.
I think I'll check out
what's on the tube
before hitting the hay.
Where's the remote?
I hid it.
No TV, Louise.
What?!
Gene got to watch TV.
Well, yeah, he's the king
of New Geneland.
What?!
Good night.
WARREN: ♪ I love charades ♪
♪ It's a fun game ♪
♪ I could play all day ♪
♪ He loves charades ♪
♪ Oh, got a little pee
on the seat ♪
♪ Seat... ♪
♪ Ooh, got a little pee
on the seat ♪
♪ But they'll never know ♪
♪ They'll never know... ♪
♪ Ooh, got a little pee
on the seat ♪
♪ But they'll never know
it was me ♪
♪ Never know it was you. ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
(phone ringing)
That ringtone is played out.
Why can't land lines
have funky ringtones?
I kind of like the ring.
(phone ringing) (imitates):
Ring...
It's classic.
Bob's Burgers.
Yes, this is Bob.
Hey, Warren Fitzgerald?
How's it going?
Long time no talk!
Warren Fitzgerald?
Dad's childhood friend
who got rich?
Uh, Dad's childhood friend
who got super rich.
He's actually real?
I thought that was
Dad's alter ego,
like in Fight Club.
Kids, shush.
Uh, what were you saying?
Oh, Warren Fitzgerald is real.
He's, like, ten feet tall,
or maybe I was just
really young when I met him.
No, he might be that tall.
He can afford extra leg.
And all the toes he wants!
Great, talk to you soon.
So, how's the richest
man you know?
Wait, are you
the poorest man he knows?
Probably. But he's great.
And he's gonna be in town,
and he wants to come
stay with us this weekend.
Is that okay?
Of course.
He's your only friend.
I mean, your oldest friend.
Good, because I kind of
already told him he could.
This is gonna be fun.
Dad, you are positively giddy.
Yeah, you're glowing.
Are you pregnant?
It's just that, you know,
Warren was, like,
the guy in high school.
He was... he was, like,
the leader of our little group.
Oh, that must have been
a tough job to get.
Was he the Fonz?
He made the Fonz look
like Potsie. Whoa.
That's great.
But he wants to stay with us?
Why not stay at a nice hotel?
Or buy a nice hotel?
Yeah.
I, you know, I think
he really wants to reconnect.
And... and get to know
you guys, right?
Get the full Belcher experience.
Ew.
Right, we are disgusting.
So let's not make Warren
sleep on the couch.
I need one of you kids
to give up your room.
Not it! Not it! Ah! Darn.
That's how you guys
settle things? "Not it"?
Yeah.
You want to get involved,
help us sort stuff out?
No, you're good.
Yeah.
Mm...
You sure you don't want
to sleep in my room, Gene?
Uh, this window by the street
will be a little quieter
than your room.
I guess I've been talking
in my sleep a little lately.
More like yelling.
It's like a poetry slam
in there.
Mm... I can make this work.
I hereby declare this
nook New Geneland!
Our primary export
is natural gas!
And Fiats.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, Warren's here.
Hey, we should dump a cup of
water out the window on him.
We used to do that to
each other all the time.
On it!
(panting)
So that's life before
the Internet, huh?
What the... My watch!
It's ruined!
Oh, no!
My grandfather
gave me this watch!
Uh-oh.
Oh, crap! I'm sorry!
Oh, my God. Sorry!
(laughing): Bob! Gotcha!
I don't even have a watch.
Or a grandfather.
(laughing)
So now that I've sold
my company,
I'm just taking some time
to reconnect
with friends and family.
And you guys are like
friends and family.
So... kill two birds
with one stone.
Not that I'm trying to kill you.
Oh, phew.
Warren, a man of your means
is gonna need some
executive protection.
I can offer my services
starting at five percent
of your net worth.
'Kay, show me what you got.
Well, I can do this move.
It's called
"Give the rich guy some space!"
(strained):
But I want to touch the rich guy!
You got skills, Louise,
but I had all of my blood
and organs replaced
with steel...
a lot of rich people
are doing it now...
so I'm immortal
and I can't be hurt,
so I don't need security.
Of course.
Warren, did you have dinner?
Uh, I had a salad, so... no.
Well, you want to go downstairs
and I can whip up
a couple burgers?
Yeah, I do.
I finally get to try one
of those famous burgers.
And later, Dad can give you
one of his famous backrubs!
♪ ♪
Man, this is a great burger.
I mean, I was
ready to like it...
I had a fake compliment
locked and loaded...
but I really love it.
Thanks.
What was the fake
compliment you had?
"Man, this is a great burger!"
That's what you said.
Yeah, but I meant it.
(phone rings)
Oh, hold on. Hello?
Are you and Warren gonna
come up and say good night
or are we just going to do it
over the phone, like animals?
Good night, Gene.
Good night, Father.
Now put Warren on, please.
He deserves to be good night-ed.
My son wants to say good night.
Oh! Good night, Gene.
Good night, Warren.
(whispers):
Can you bring up some fries?
Is he asking you
to bring him fries?
No...
(whispers):
He's onto us, I gotta go.
Go to bed, Gene.
I'm in bed, I'm just hungry!
So, this place must
do pretty well, huh?
Yeah, I mean, pretty well.
Business is up
and down, you know.
Okay, mostly downs.
Never really an up.
That doesn't
make sense to me, Bob.
I mean, that was the best burger
I've ever had
and I've had a burger in Japan
that cost $1,700.
What? H-How was it $1,700?
Well, they put all sorts
of fancy stuff on it...
foie gras, an edible gold leaf.
You get to eat it
inside a hologram.
You are really rich.
I am. And
I'll tell you something:
I want to invest in you.
What? This place has
untapped potential.
I mean, it's crazy
that it hasn't taken off yet.
You love what you do,
and you have an amazing product.
I want to tap that potential.
I want to tap that!
I don't think you mean
to say it like that.
Oh, yes, I do!
I... (laughs)
Okay, so, invest in me?
What are we talking about, here?
Well, for starters,
I write you a check
for a $100,000.
(coughing)
You okay?
Mm-hmm.
Are you... crying?
(falsetto): No. No. No.
Is your voice getting higher?
(falsetto): Yep!
Okay, anyway, we can talk
about all sorts of things...
branding, marketing,
some sizzle.
Throw out some ideas.
You know, just
business-partner stuff.
For you to take or leave.
Okay, yes!
I didn't really
hear anything you said
after "write you a check
for $100,000," but yes!
Great!
I can't believe this!
(phone rings) Hello?
GENE (deep voice):
Hello, this is the fire department.
There's a ketchup fire upstairs
and we need all
the fries you got!
$100,000.
$100,000!
I mean, how much is that?
Show me the check again.
Show me, show me, show me, show me.
I want to kiss it!
Come here!
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Can I see it?
Wow, I never knew
checks could have commas.
I even put an exclamation point
in there.
I'm as excited as you guys are!
Okay, everybody stop
touching the check.
I'm going to take it
to the bank right now.
I bet he's gonna
drop it in the gutter.
Don't drop it in
the gutter, Bobby!
Don't you drop it!
Tape it to your chest!
BOB: I'm not going to drop it.
Oh, crap.
Never mind, I got it!
Where are your pants, Gene?
I just came from New Geneland,
where you don't need pants.
Well, this is Linda-braska,
so put 'em on.
So, New Geneland's
pretty great, huh?
"Pretty great." It's amazing!
I got the TV right there,
and the pee plant is
just a few steps away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You watched TV
after we went to bed?
No fair.
Yes, and if last night
is any indication,
we are living in the golden
age of late-night talk shows.
Did you say "pee plant"?
And you are welcome
to use it, sir.
Oh, thanks, but I'm-I'm covered.
I've got a pee shoe
in your closet.
Oh, right.
My rain boots.
I was kidding.
Do you really pee
in your rain boots?
No...
♪ ♪
I would like to make
a deposit, please.
Oh, Bob. Has it gotten this bad?
What?
What-what do you mean?
Nothing. Just a moment,
I have to make
a quick phone call.
Are you having your security
guard stand over me?
No, no, no, no,
shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hello, Mr. Warren Fitzgerald?
Yes, I'm the manager at
the First Oceanside Savings Bank,
and I have a Bob Belcher here
trying to deposit a check
with your name on it
for $100,000.
Oh, wow. Thank you for
alerting me to this.
I have no idea who that...
What did... what did you say
his name is? Bob Belcher?
Yeah, I-I have
no idea who he is.
So it is fraud.
Wait, wh-what?
He's saying you committed fraud.
I-I didn't, that's my friend.
W-what... wait...
Thank you for confirming this,
and we'll have
the proper authorities...
Oh, wait, wait.
Bob Belcher. Yes, yes, yes.
I thought you said Boab Belcher.
It just sounded weird
when you said it.
I did write him that check.
You did.
WARREN: Mm-hmm.
And it wasn't a terrible mistake
you made by accident?
No. Or a lapse in judgment.
Nope.
Serious head injury?
(chuckles) No.
Are you sure?
I'm quite sure.
Okay, then, very well.
Ha!
What, Bob?
Ha! Put that down
in the comments section
on my account.
Bob... says... "ha."
Good one, Warren.
You got me.
That guy was so ready
to have you arrested, Bob.
Yep, that's my banker.
That should be their slogan:
"We're ready
to have you arrested!"
What are you guys doing?
Uh, measuring the window
for an awning.
I take it you've met, then.
Yup. I heard all
about it from Linda.
Congrats, Bob.
I always knew you'd
make it big time
if one of your old friends
ever made a bunch of money.
Thanks, Teddy.
I already made a list of repairs
that we can get started on.
It's funny, it came
out to exactly
$100,000 worth of work.
(laughs) It adds up.
It adds up, Bobby.
All right, take it easy, Teddy.
Yeah. (bell jingles)
I'm riding this one out
as far as she'll go, Bob!
This is my big break, too!
Quit smudging!
An awning could be
a good idea. Sure.
But I'm surprised you
went for the tiki thing.
(bell jingles) The tiki thing?
Yeah.
You didn't know?
It's gonna be
a palm-frond awning.
We're gonna tiki-fy the place.
"Tiki-fy"?
Oh, you're pranking me.
I-I get it.
Good one.
No, no, I'm serious, Bob.
It's business 101.
You need an entry point, a hook.
I-I figured
we would use the money
to maybe upgrade some equipment,
or do some advertising, but...
This is advertising!
You lure people in with
something flashy and fun,
something
that distinguishes you,
and once they're in,
you wow them with your product.
Makes sense to me.
Thank you, Teddy.
My entry point is my bangs.
Then I wow them with
my winning personality.
You wow me with your breath.
Thank you.
Hey! I just realized
it's called an awning
because it's "on" the window.
Oh, yeah!
It's just, tiki, I mean...
should we talk about this?
Hey, if you don't like it,
we can do something else,
but I think
you're gonna like it.
It goes with the whole
beach town thing.
You walk in here, see the tiki,
and you say, "Yeah.
It makes sense. Perfect."
We do live by the beach.
I... I don't know.
Don't-don't worry, Bob.
The destination
is still your burger,
but the restaurant
is the journey there.
Wow, I just got chills.
From me.
Okay...
Plus, I found a bunch
of tiki stuff for sale
at a place that went out
of business in Bog Harbor.
But they went out of business
so that doesn't seem like...
They didn't have
your superior product, Bob.
Tell you what,
I'll go check that stuff out
and you keep Tik-ing about it.
See? All these fun jokes
we can make?
Yup, that's... great.
(door opens, bell jingles)
I mean, we'll think of better
ones, but you get the idea.
See you in a bit!
A theme? Lin,
we already have a theme.
It's a restaurant.
Restaurant theme.
It'll probably be
just a couple things
to spruce up the place,
you know?
Nothing crazy.
So, this is a lot
of stuff.
Yeah, great stuff.
We got the tiki water pitchers,
the tiki salt
and pepper shakers.
Tiki straws for tiki spitballs.
(door opens, bell jingles) Ow.
Umbrellas for the drinks.
In case it rains,
keep the ice dry.
Couple of tiki statues...
ooh, scary!
Where do these guys go?
Wherever there's space...
tables, countertops, everywhere!
What's this?
That's to wrap around
the bottom of the counter.
Ooh, our counter's gonna look
like a sexy hula dancer!
Should I start wearing
a coconut bra?
No. Yes.
Everybody's thinking it.
And here's the crown jewel
of it all...
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
(gasps) You can talk!
(chuckles)
It's on a motion detector.
You put it near the door,
and when people walk by,
it says, "Aloha."
I wanted that job.
Wow, I, uh, usually don't
like sunglasses indoors,
but that pineapple
really pulls it off.
That is one cool fruit.
People are gonna go crazy
for that pineapple.
Yeah. What a time to be alive.
You're gonna love
the giant volcano it sits on.
Will you give me
a hand with it, Teddy?
Sure, sure.
Moving mountains.
This is what God must feel like.
(bell jingles) (hesitantly):
Well, this is very exciting.
And now we don't need
to go to Hawaii.
(laughs) PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Aloha to you.
Hey, pineapple,
if I'm supposed to marry a cute boy
and live on a horse
farm, say "aloha."
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Yes.
And if you're kidding,
say "aloha" again.
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Damn.
Kids, enough.
Leave the pineapple alone.
(Teddy and Warren grunting)
God, that is really giant.
WARREN:
Yeah, I got the biggest one.
So what do you think, partner?
Great. Really great.
(grunts)
And this is all just
the tip of the iceberg.
I have two words for you, Bob:
Mai-tai fries.
What?
They're like daiquiri fries
but Mai tai.
It's the next big thing.
We'll talk about it later.
And here you go.
Aloha!
Aloha!
Aloha!
Aloha!
Eh, I will not
get tired of this.
Nobody's gonna get tired
of any of this stuff.
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
I'm freaky for tiki!
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
BOB: Oh, my God.
Back to the Future.
Mein Back.
Back to the Future II.
Men in Back II.
Guess Who's Back?
Yes!
Yes to which one?
Well, hers,
'cause it's a real movie,
and it's the one
I was thinking of.
Oh, that's how you play.
Our team wins.
And we lose.
Thanks for phoning it in, Dad.
Wow, that was great.
So this is what a real family
does for fun, huh?
That was the first time
we ever played charades.
We thought you wanted to do it.
Yeah, because you said,
"Should we play charades now?"
Either way, good game, everyone,
but I am beat.
I got to hit the sack.
Good night, Bob's wonderful family.
LOUISE: Sweet dreams.
TINA: Sleep tight.
BOB AND LINDA: Good night.
Adios.
So, Bob,
you've been a little quiet tonight.
Is everything okay?
Okay? Everything's great.
(Warren sings indistinctly)
My old friend is here.
He's singing in the bathroom.
WARREN: ♪ Ooh, got
a little pee on the seat ♪
♪ But they'll never know
it was me... ♪
He put $100,000
into our business,
and he is "the guy,"
so it's all...
it's all... it's good.
Oh. Good, good.
Hundred thousand dollars, Lin.
Yeah.
And the guy knows what he's doing.
Right.
Hundred thousand dollars.
Guy knows what he's doing.
You just said that.
Oh, good.
You heard it, too.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Everything's gonna be great.
Everything's great.
Great. Great, great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great, great.
Great.
Well, the king of New Geneland
has grown weary, so peace out.
You know, Gene,
I thought I'd do you a favor
and give you my room tonight.
Eh, I'll slum it out here.
Thanks, but no.
I want to watch TV
after everyone goes to bed.
You should have thought of that
before you said, "Not it!" Snap.
Come on, just trade
me one night.
There's nothing in
the world I'd trade
for a night in New Geneland.
I'll give you my peanut
that's shaped like a butt.
Deal, but for tomorrow night.
I've already got the Dutch oven
set at the perfect temperature.
Fine.
♪ ♪
Okay, pineapple, do your job.
Bring people in.
Aloha!
No, I know.
That's what you say.
Aloha!
Right, I'm just gonna
stop talking to you now.
Just work your island magic.
(bell jingles)
Aloha!
Whoa.
Well, aloha to you, too.
This is fun.
Hi, uh, table for four?
Yes, please.
Are you guys new?
No, we've actually been
here a really long time.
Huh, we never noticed
this place before,
and then we saw
all the tiki stuff,
and we were like,
"Oh, that looks like fun."
We are fun.
Yes, we are.
I'm gonna text Frank and tell
him to bring everyone here.
Frank's gonna love this place.
So everything taste okay?
Super fun.
Oh.
Uh, people normally don't say
things taste "fun,"
but as long as you're happy.
Frank, you good?
Mmm!
(bell jingles) Aloha! (laughs)
Another box?
Yep.
Warren sent me to get
some Hawaiian shirts.
Hawaiian shirts?
Yeah, I think it's what
the Hawaiian army wears.
Oh, this one's yours, Bob.
Huh, parrots. They're fun.
Ooh, you know what would go
great with that shirt?
A real parrot.
Worth a shot.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Bob, are you doing okay?
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
You sure?
Yep. Yep.
Your face is a little scrunchie.
(door opens, bell jingles)
PINEAPPLE: Aloha!
Hey, tiki theme. Nice.
I'd eat here.
(chuckles)
You're finally doing
something right, Bob.
Pulled your head
out of your butt,
you washed your hair,
and everything's fine.
Warren, we need to talk.
I know what you're gonna say:
"Where are the rest
of the menus?"
The kids are helping
with a little redesign.
These menus are going from
laminated to "ka-blaminated."
Ugh. Warren, I want
to give you your money back.
♪ ♪
What?!
I think he said,
"Would you like
a bowl of Honey Smacks?"
Yeah, 'cause that makes
a lot more sense
than "I want to give you
your money back."
I'll take a bowl
of Honey Smacks.
♪ ♪
I'm not taking
the money back, Bob.
Yes, you are. You have to.
No, I don't,
and you can't make me.
Well, that's checkmate, Dad.
You got to keep it.
Yeah, and also we should
probably keep it.
(sighs) This was a bad idea.
I-I never should have
taken it in the first place.
I don't want to have
to answer to someone else.
Even if it's a friend.
Especially if it's a friend.
So please take it back.
You're making a lot
of great points,
but no, the answer's no.
Oh, and you're not
making great points.
Well, I'm going to the bank
to get you a cashier's check.
Well, I won't cash it.
Then I'll have the money
wired to your account, Warren.
Then I'm gonna close
all of my accounts, Bob.
Don't let him leave!
Deploy menus!
Ow! Ow! Stop it. (grunting)
Ow! Stop!
No!
Why are you so good
at throwing menus?
What do you think we do all day?
So you want me to take
the money from your account
and wire it back
to Mr. Fitzgerald?
Yes, please.
Just saying it out loud sounds
like a bad idea, so no.
Wait, what? You-you have to.
I do not have to.
I don't have his account number
or any idea who he banks with.
You have a copy of his check.
Well, not handy.
Ugh, forget it.
Just cut me a cashier's check
made out to Warren Fitzgerald.
Okay, Bob.
You know best.
He said unconvincingly.
♪ ♪
(bell jingles) Aloha!
Don't you dare.
Please tell me you didn't
wire Warren's money back
and ruin our futures.
Our already fragile futures.
Of course he didn't.
He wouldn't do
that without discussing it
with his wife, right, Bob?
They wouldn't let me
wire the money.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, good. Good for them.
Oh, thank God.
So I got the cashier's check.
Son of a bitch!
Damn it!
I told you, Bob,
I won't cash it.
Warren, you're taking
your money back.
You are making a huge mistake.
Your business is just
starting to click.
Look around.
I can't do this, Warren.
This? This isn't us.
This isn't who we are.
Not even the pineapple?
It kind of looks like Tina.
Huh, I see it.
Especially the pineapple!
So here, take the check.
No. I'm putting it in your hand,
Warren.
Close your hand.
I won't!
Take it!
And take all of
your stupid tiki stuff.
It's not stupid, Bob.
It's an entry point.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
LINDA: Oh! Oh!
Tiki's not stupid, it's fun.
Of course you'd say that.
You're stupid, too.
You're all stupid.
Hey.
Sorry, I didn't mean that,
you're not... you're not stupid.
Thank you. But you didn't
come here for the food,
you came here
for the tiny umbrellas
and the talking pineapple.
I love that pineapple.
And that's a really dumb way
to choose a place to have lunch!
Why are you throwing
a tantrum, Tantrum O'Neil?!
Because I...
Hey.
Hate... tiki!
What...
(sighs) Well, tiki's...
(grunts)
a great... idea!
Ow! You are taking this check
if I have to shove it
in your pocket myself.
Don't let him in there, Warren!
TINA: Turn your pockets
inside out like a magician!
WARREN: Hey!
GENE: Tiki tussle!
Uh, they're old friends.
They're-they're friends.
(slow-motion): Aloha!
GENE: No!
(Warren yells)
Okay, okay.
I'll take the check.
Good. Finally.
Rip, rip, rip, rip,
rip, rip, rip.
Damn it!
You think you can just come in
here and... change everything,
just because you're
a... huge success?!
No, I'm a success just because
I have a lot of money,
I drive a nice car,
I recently got my pilot's
license for the plane I bought.
That's what makes me a success!
Yes, you're the guy.
You were always the guy.
You were the leader.
(grunts)
Bob, you were the guy.
What? Y-you thought
I was the guy?
Dad was the Fonz?
(gasps) That makes
Mom Pinky Tuscadero.
Yes, you were the leader.
We all wanted to be like you.
I mean, "we" was just
me and that other kid
who hung around with us
that one summer,
but still, and look at you now.
You built this place.
You're doing what you love.
You have something
really special here,
and I wanted to be a part of it.
To be like you.
And I tried to buy my way in.
I think you should be able
to buy your way in.
Right? Am I...
am I alone? Anyone?
Absolutely.
Yes.
No, I can't.
This was your baby, and I never
should have tried to tap that.
Thanks, Warren.
Honestly, you don't need me
or my money.
It's only a matter of time
before this place takes off.
Well, I don't know
about that, but maybe.
Probably not. Maybe.
Maybe? Of course
we're gonna make it.
Eventually.
Someday. Right?
And you don't need a partner.
You already have one,
and she's perfect for you.
Who? (gasps) Oh, me.
(Louise clears throat)
WARREN: Yeah, all of you.
Having a family like this
is worth way more than $100,000.
Probably $200,000.
$175,000 to $200,000.
Uh, I get it. We
work well together.
I'm really sorry, Bob.
Thanks, pal.
Me-me, too.
Uh, and I'm sorry I dumped
all over your tiki idea.
There's nothing wrong with tiki.
I would have hated any theme.
I'm a burger man,
not a... this man.
Uh-huh, of course, of course.
What if it had been
a space theme? No.
Underwater? Submarines?
No, no, no, no.
Oh, bus-station bathroom!
Maximum-security prison!
Shoe store?
Shoe store theme!
But we'll sell burgers.
Oh, I'm gonna write these down.
Just in case. Be right back.
♪ ♪
Not only was I able
to unload all that tiki stuff,
I sold it for ten percent
more than I paid for it.
Of course you did.
I just can't lose.
Great, so here's
a second cashier's check.
Thanks, Bob.
Rip, rip, rip, rip.
No, no, no!
Just kidding.
I'm kidding.
(sighs)
Thanks for taking it back.
(Louise grunting)
Louise, stop trying to grab it.
You couldn't cash it anyway.
Don't tell me what I can't cash.
All right, kids, time for bed.
Say good night to Uncle Warren.
Good night!
Night!
Good night!
Good night, everybody.
It's all yours, Louise.
Finally.
Leave only footprints,
take only memories.
Remember this, remember
that, remember this.
Well, it's your last
night here, Warren.
Anything you want to do?
Go grab a beer downstairs?
You got it.
Oh, not with you.
Oh, I thought... What?
Gotcha.
(chuckling):
I can't wait for you to leave.
I think I'll check out
what's on the tube
before hitting the hay.
Where's the remote?
I hid it.
No TV, Louise.
What?!
Gene got to watch TV.
Well, yeah, he's the king
of New Geneland.
What?!
Good night.
WARREN: ♪ I love charades ♪
♪ It's a fun game ♪
♪ I could play all day ♪
♪ He loves charades ♪
♪ Oh, got a little pee
on the seat ♪
♪ Seat... ♪
♪ Ooh, got a little pee
on the seat ♪
♪ But they'll never know ♪
♪ They'll never know... ♪
♪ Ooh, got a little pee
on the seat ♪
♪ But they'll never know
it was me ♪
♪ Never know it was you. ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.