Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - The Hormone-iums - full transcript
Tina gets her wish for Wagstaff fame, but soon regrets it. Linda pursues an improbable business venture, but struggles to get it off the ground.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Wagstaff's own
puberty positive players,
The Hormone-iums,
featuring Tina Belcher.
(crowd whooping and applauding)
♪ New friends on your face ♪
♪ It isn't yucky ♪
♪ You're breaking out
and you're lucky ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ Can't keep it in any more ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ You're bursting
out of your pores ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ It's simple ♪
♪ It's pimples ♪
♪ You've got inside-out
dimples ♪
♪ You're... ♪
♪ Breaking...♪
♪ Out... ♪
(crowd cheering)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh.
Ooh, my little star
has a Hormonee-os show today.
Hormone-iums.
Ugh, we have the Internet now,
do we still have
to listen to songs
about puberty during lunch?
What's the show about this time?
Changing bodies?
Aunt Flo?
We have an Aunt Flo?
She's missed all my birthdays.
(sighs)
We're performing
"Body Hair! Where? There!"
Tina, you seem upset.
Do you not like that one?
No, I love it.
It's just... I've been
in that group for two years,
and even though I'm totally
over my stage fright now,
Mr. Frond has never
given me a solo.
Chorus is just as big a deal
as the solos, sweetie.
Just because people
don't care about something
doesn't mean it's not important.
Thanks, Mom.
Lost and Found auction time.
All right!
I'm ready, Linda.
We got a pager,
a thermos with something
rattling around inside it.
Oh, my God, maybe
it's an emerald!
Could be.
You got to buy it to find out.
We also got a "I Voted" sticker;
could save you a trip
to the polls next year.
I want that!
All right,
Teddy, get down!
One really large
high-heeled pump,
and a half bottle of Chardonnay.
Hey, I left that here.
Guys, this stuff
isn't that good.
I mean, you know
you don't have to
buy anything, right?
Uh-uh, yes we do, Bobby.
Linda's such a good saleswoman.
She sold me a nickel
for a dime once.
Great nickel, too, super shiny.
All right, just... Come on,
come on, come on, I'm so excited!
Yup.
Okay, here we go.
You know the rules.
Your hand goes up,
you got to pay,
so don't stretch or wave
unless you got the dough.
FROND:
Three minutes, performers.
Angela, you look a little pale.
Do you have blush
or would you like
one of the other students
to slap you?
Your choice.
I have blush.
Hi Tina.
Wassup, girl?
Hi Jimmy Jr., Zeke.
Hey, did you hear
about Jocelyn's party
this Friday night...
You mean about
the 45 minute window
when her mom is going
to pick up her brother
from soccer practice
and her dad is
on a business trip
so there will be
(whispering): spin the bottle.
Um, yes, I heard.
Yeah, that one.
Pretty crazy, huh?
It's not that crazy
once you realize
that the bottle's rotation
is pretty predictable
if you can figure out
the drag so you just...
Tina, line up.
(upbeat music playing)
♪ There's something new
on me and you ♪
♪ Brand-new fur on him and her ♪
♪ Hair! ♪
♪ Where? ♪
♪ There! ♪
(gasps)
Ow, Mr. Frond, she fell on me.
(whispering):
Is this part of the show?
I have no idea
but this is the best
they've ever been.
Angela, come with me.
Everyone else, keep going.
And people say
that theater is dead.
LINDA: 15 now, who'll say 15?
For this very nice
book of matches, 15 cents.
15!
15 cents from the sexy
stylist on the stool.
Do I hear 20 cents?
Oh, oh, me!
Oh, I got 20 cents
from the tomb raider,
Mort the mortician.
Twenty-five!
Whoa, too rich for my blood.
Going once...
going twice...
sold to Teddy for 25 cents.
Yeah! Yes!
In your face, Mort.
In your face.
Easy.
Sorry, sorry, you know I get
carried away at the auction.
Okay, next item is
an extra large, extra in-charge
women's high-heel shoe,
left behind by Marshmallow.
I asked her if
she wanted it back,
she said it was out of season.
Let's start the bidding
at one dollar.
One dollar, come on, people.
Teddy?
I don't know any extra
large one-legged ladies,
but if I did, man,
I would be getting that shoe.
50 cents?
Forty-five?
Thirty?
You're missing the possibilities,
here, people.
It's not just a giant shoe,
it's a, it's a...
it's a... uh,
it's a Wine Shoe.
Yeah, it's an elegant way
to display your wine.
Oh, my God, I love it.
It's like a foot
that gets you drunk.
Five dollars.
No, no, no, no, no, six!
Uh, seven!
Really?
Okay, seven dollars going once.
Eight!
Eight dollars, do I hear nine...
Nine!
Mike, you want that thing?
You don't?
No.
Good.
$15!
Do I hear $15.50?
Uh...
$15 going once.
(Teddy groaning)
Twice!
(groaning)
And three times a lady,
sold to Gretchen for $15.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that is gonna haunt me.
FROND:
Thank you all for coming in.
I have terrible
slash wonderful news,
Hormone-iums.
Angela has come down
with mononucleosis!
Oh, no, will she be okay?
Who knows?
But the real news is
that to confront
this urgent crisis,
there will be a special
assembly this Friday
about the dangers of mono,
and I have asked the principal
to ask us to perform at it...
and he said,
wait for it, "Fine."
So, this Friday,
The Hormone-iums will present
our new review, Mona Nucleosis,
on the auditorium stage!
(all gasp)
Exactly!
I'll be holding auditions
between Tina and Candy
to determine who will
temporarily replace Angela
as our female soloist.
Tina can have it.
I'm just in this group
as a punishment. Wait, what?
What?
Nothing, congrats, Tina.
Okay... congratulations
to our new soloist,
Tina Belcher.
♪ Oh, my God. ♪
I mean, I guess that'd be okay.
(excited chattering)
ZEKE: Tina, look over here!
PETER: Tina, we love you!
She's great.
She's so great.
Tina, is it true
that you'll be starring
as Mona Nucleosis
at the all-school
assembly this Friday?
Well, I don't want
to brag, but it's true.
(crowd cheering)
Tina, I know this
is weird timing,
but will you marry me?
No, no, no, marry me!
No, marry me!
You get over here.
Ow, Zeke, ow!
Ow, Zeke!
(grunting)
Zeke, ow! Zeke!
I could get used to this.
Tina-bean-a,
time to get ready for school.
More like school needs
to get ready for me.
Love it!
Love the confidence.
Linda!
Have I got a bone
to pick with you.
Me?
Yes, you.
What?
My girlfriends at the salon
love the Wine Shoe so much,
they will not stop bugging me
to order one for them.
(gasps)
It's like the Patrick Dempsey
calendar situation
all over again.
Oh, my God, really?
Yeah, I've got four hairdressers
who are willing to pay upwards
of, like, $20 for one.
Stop it.
Yeah.
You hear that, Bob?
I heard.
You don't have any
more Wine Shoes, though.
Right, well, uh, let's see.
I can call Marshmallow
and see where
she gets her shoes.
Bob, give me her number.
I-I don't have her number, Lin.
Oh, I thought you had it.
Okay, uh, do you know
where she lives?
All I know about Marshmallow
is that she comes and goes
as she pleases,
she answers to no one,
and she is truly free.
Okay, calm down.
She's a free spirit, we get it.
TINA: ♪ There's nothing ♪
♪ You're missing ♪
♪ If you're not kissing ♪
♪ Kissing is so scary ♪
♪ It will make you ill, oh! ♪
♪ So if you wanna kiss someone ♪
♪ Go on and kiss your pill-ow ♪
♪ I never want to kiss ♪
♪ Even if I have great breath ♪
♪ Kissing causes mono ♪
♪ And mono can cause... ♪
death.
Say, Mona, I'd like
to kiss someone.
But kissing is dangerous.
(mouthing) PETER:
nlt won't hurt to do one kiss.
Okay, when you put it that way.
(smooching)
(coughs)
Oh, no.
I'm dying...
of mono.
♪ She's dying, she's dying ♪
♪ She's dying ♪ I... I...
Mr. Frond, my character
really dies?
That seems kind of extreme.
Oh, okay, Tina, perhaps
we should do a non-extreme show.
That'll get our point across,
right?
Something subtle?
I'm just not sure
this is the best way
to teach kids about mono.
I mean, most of the time,
kissing is fine.
Maybe that could be the song.
♪ Most of the time ♪ Oh, Tina,
♪ Kissing is fine... ♪
Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina,
Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina.
Yes?
The theater is about drama.
Happiness...
sadness, fear, death!
Now, let's take it
from the top...
and, Candy, let's make sure
those jazz hands look
a little jazzier, okay?
It's not called
wet napkin hands.
(sighs)
Maybe no one will come
to the mandatory assembly.
Kids, your dad
and I are going to Toe-Tanic
so we can make more Wine Shoes.
Oh, my gosh, we're almost
out of Wine Shoes?!
What the heck are you
guys talking about?
Toe-Tanic is an over-sized
women's shoe store.
Wine Shoe is a thing
your mom invented,
and now Gretchen's
friends want to buy
them for some reason.
Of course, of course,
makes perfect sense.
W-w-w-wait, you are not going
to Toe-Tanic without me.
I guess you can come.
Like you could stop me!
All right, fine, I'll go,
and I'm in charge of everything.
I called it.
Tina, you want to go?
No, I'm good.
Tina, you okay?
Yeah, fine, fine, fine.
Just going over
my script for the big show.
Well, we're all
really proud of you
and your...
and your puberty stuff.
I know it's a big deal to you.
Yeah, I'll just stay here
and memorize my lies.
I mean lines!
Bye!
O-okay, see you in a bit.
Great!
Let's go to the land
where the women are big
and the dreams are bigger.
MAN: Hello, welcome.
I'm Adrian.
How can I help you?
Hi, we're in
the market for high heels.
Sir, my mom's
got a business idea.
It's called Wine Shoe,
and we want to buy in bulk.
Well that sound...
I'm sorry, wait,
did you just say "Wine Shoe"?
Yeah! You take a bottle of wine,
and you put it in a shoe.
Uh-huh...
Right?
Oh... that's it?
Yeah!
Pretty good, right?
Yeah.
Now, what will a pair
of these honeys
set my client back?
Oh, those?
Uh, they're $155.
(coughs) Wow! Okay.
Can you show us something
in the, uh... ten dollar range?
Ten dollars?
Uh, okay.
Do you know how much material
goes into a size 14
woman's shoe?
How much engineering?
This heel will hold up
to 350 pounds of woman.
Walking... working...
dancing... living.
In fact, my good friend,
the incredible
Miss Taint Behavin'
does five shows a weekend
in these exact shoes.
So even if there was a ten
dollar size 14 woman's shoe,
I wouldn't sell it.
Lives are at stake!
How old do you have
to be to work here?
Twenty-seven.
LINDA: Oh, well,
what's the use of having dreams
if they can't be crushed?
Hold on, Mom.
Maybe we don't need
to buy those shoes right now.
What? Then all we'd have is wine
and what good is that?
I can't believe
I just said that.
We pitch our idea to investors.
What investors?
Where do we find investors?
Right... there.
(laughing)
Oh, hello, Belchers!
Just having one
of our money fights.
(laughing): Get away!
(Fischoeder and Felix laughing)
See what I mean, Mom?
(gasps) FELIX: I got you!
No, no, what're you
talking about?
BOB AND LOUISE: Oh, my God.
This just in.
Someone got mono so
now we all have to watch a play.
Here's more from Jocelyn.
Thanks, Tammy.
The play is this Friday,
which is also my birthday.
There will be
an all school assembly,
where the Hormone-iums
will perform, Mona Nucleosis,
a show about
the dangers of mono,
but it's not about my birthday,
I don't think.
Let's see the clip.
♪ No, no, kissing ♪
♪ Kissing is the worst ♪
♪ If you kiss me ♪
♪ You'll end up in a hearse. ♪
Wow, downer.
Don't kiss Tina, I guess.
And now weather.
Jocelyn?
Whoa, Tina!
You're like the cover girl
of No Kissing magazine.
No, no, no!
I do like kissing!
Didn't seem like it.
No, I, I...
(gasping)
(nervous grunting)
(Tina nervous grunting)
Oh, no!
(nervous grunts)
Tina, what are you doing?
You can't put these up!
No one will ever want
to kiss me again!
(Tina nervous grunting)
Stop it, Tina, stop it.
I quit, I quit,
I'm quitting the show.
I quit!
You can't quit.
You're Mona Nucleosis!
And we're gonna be
on the main stage!
Do you know how long
I've been trying to get
the principal to let
the Hormone-iums perform
on that stage?!
And no one is going to think
you really hate kissing.
Do people think Tony Danza
is really The Boss?
I do, I mean,
he's at least a boss.
(groaning)
Oh, Tina, you always
wanted to be a soloist,
and now you will be and it
doesn't have to stop there.
I mean, this could be
just the beginning
of solos for you.
Really?
Yes.
Hey, what if I made you
the female Hormone-iums
soloist permanently?
Whoa, that's been
my dream for two years.
And now it's all coming true.
So, do we have a deal?
(nervous groaning)
Okay.
Great.
Now, Tina, no more freaking out.
Just press your feelings
into a tight little
diamond and sparkle.
(groans)
Oh... hey, Tina.
Quick thing about
my birthday party.
Sorry, but I have
to uninvite you.
What?!
Yeah.
It's a reverse-vitation.
You have a minus
one to this party.
Wait, why?
Because Tammy said.
You're like a kiss narc now.
Hello!
How can we trust
Miss No Kissing not to
(whispering):
rat out a kissing party?
I don't really hate kissing.
I'm just playing a part.
Okay, but I'm playing
a part where
I uninvite you to my party,
and I'm really good at it.
You are.
You're really believable.
I know.
I'm like so good at this role.
(nervous groaning)
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist!
Oh, good, you're here.
I got Gretchen to loan me
the Wine Shoe back for 24 hours.
We got to work on
our pitch for the Fischoeders.
They're coming
tomorrow afternoon.
Okay, Gene, write these down.
All right.
Um, Mer-loafers.
Mm-hmm.
Sauvingnon Blahniks.
Mom, listen to me.
We need to sell Wine Shoe
as a journey, not a product.
We got to tell them a story
and if that fails,
you have to cry.
Huh, all right, okay.
Uh, the story is...
Wine Shoes...
go together...
like wine...
Good so far.
Y... sometimes, you just need
a little wine in your shoe...
to get through...
Wait, you could do, uh,
Cinderella.
Yes!
Like, oh, where
does this shoe fit?
On a bottle of wine.
The one you've been waiting
for your whole life.
Finally, you found
your Prince Charming,
and it's a bottle of wine.
Oh, my God, Bobby,
I'm transported.
Dad, you son of a bitch.
Let's do this.
(whoops)
♪ I thought kissing
would be heaven ♪
♪ So I kissed a boy ♪
♪ Or seven ♪
♪ Mononucleosis has got you ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ Worse than halitosis ♪
♪ It's a kissing disease ♪
♪ All your bad decisions ♪
♪ Have kicked you in your butt ♪
♪ If only I'd kept my ♪
♪ Lips ♪
♪ Shut... ♪
We're ready.
(upbeat music
from Gene's keyboard)
Oh, I have the most
beautiful bottle of wine
in all the land...
but alas, I have no place
to display it.
Hark.
Ooh, I wasn't expecting that.
Excuse me, fair maiden,
but I couldn't help but notice
that you may have dropped
this shoe at my castle.
I did?
I am going from home to home
seeing what this
shoe could fit on.
Oh, it looks too
big for me, alas.
But wait!
What if the shoe fits
on the wine?
(all gasp)
We'll fund your play.
I have a few notes,
but I think it would
be great if you...
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, we're not selling the play,
we're selling this.
(keyboard plays fanfare)
Gentleman, today we are
offering you a 50% stake
in our company, Wine Shoe,
for the low price of $1,000.
Never more will
your wine look lame,
sitting there on
the counter like an idiot.
Pinot gross-i-o!
Give your wine that wow
factor with Wine Shoe.
Ah!
So... you did not call me
over here to give me rent money?
Okay, so you're out.
Felix, what do you say?
Well, I have had some businesses
like this in the past.
I founded Light-Tights,
the tights with the light-up
fannies. I have those.
I'm afraid, however,
that Wine Shoe...
Wha-wha-what?
...just doesn't speak to me.
What?!
Yeah, sorry, Linda,
but it's a no.
Oh, come on...
Mom!
(whining)
What?
(whispering): Cry.
Oh, oh, right, right, right.
(crying)
Look what you did to my mom.
(Linda wailing)
Should we sneak out?
Yes.
Here we go, sneaking out.
BOTH: Sneak...
sneak, sneak, sneak.
Ugh.
Aw, nuts!
LINDA:
I don't know what went wrong.
I thought I could sell anything.
I really thought
I'd get my dream.
Dreams are dumb!
They ruin your life!
What?
Tell me about it!
I'll never be the Royal Baby.
Can I finish my dinner
in my room?
Uh, sure.
(groaning)
(Linda sighs)
I guess I'll go talk to her.
No, Lin, you're still
sad about your shoes.
I'll-I'll go.
All right.
(crying)
Uh, Tina, can, uh, can we talk?
Still got that spaghetti, huh?
Yeah.
That's good.
We'll wash the sheets later.
Okay.
Look...
you are obviously upset.
I-is... is it about
your puberty show?
Kinda.
You want to tell me about it?
Okay, but if I tell you
then I'm telling you
another kid's secret.
Do you swear not to tell?
I think so...
as long as it's not...
murder.
It's not.
Good.
Well, there was gonna be
45 minutes of spin the bottle
at Jocelyn's party...
Okay...
...but I got uninvited
because now I'm Mona Nucleosis,
the face of anti-kissing!
Oh, uh, that sounds bad, yeah.
And Mr. Frond told me I could
be the new permanent soloist,
but if I do the show tomorrow
no one will ever want
to kiss me ever again.
Okay, first of all,
people will want
to kiss you again, Tina.
Really?
Yup. Boys?
Yup.
Huh. What do they look like?
I-it's a hypothetical, it's...
Tan?
Yes, they're tan boys.
But not like
that orange-y self-tan.
Nope. Anyway,
I know puberty positivity
is important to you
and that's good but
if doing this play
is making you say
something you don't
believe in, then maybe,
you shouldn't do it.
Even if I said I would?
Yeah, because whether
you kiss anyone or not,
you're in charge
of your own... mouth.
Who you kiss with it
and what you say with it.
And, Tina?
Are you gonna say you
have to tell on Jocelyn's party?
No, I was going to ask you if
you wanted me to get
you a handful of ice cream.
(students chattering quietly)
FROND: All right,
places, everyone.
I'll see you on the other side.
(to self):
It's my mouth. It's my mouth.
It's my mouth.
Okay, everybody,
let's do this thing.
Just be advised I've made some
changes to the end of the show,
try to keep up.
There's our cue, let's go.
Oh, no! I am afraid this
student, Mona, is dying.
Dying from mononucleosis.
Nurse, I need you
to write something down.
Yes, Doctor?
(mouthing)
DARRYL: Kissing is really dangerous.
♪ Well... ♪
Wait, Doctor!
Um, uh, yes, Mona?
I feel better.
Oh. Hey!
Because mono would
really only cause death
in someone very old, very young,
or someone who had a compromised
immune system.
I looked it up.
Okay...
(whispering): Tina, if you don't
stick to the script, the only thing
you'll be kissing is
permanent soloist good-bye.
I've made up my mind, Mr. Frond.
Kissing isn't dangerous,
but misinformation is.
♪ Well... ♪
Wait!
Darryl, do you have mono?
Uh, no.
(smooches) Whoa!
(audience gasping)
There, see?
Nobody died...
and nobody's going to die.
I mean, we all will, eventually,
but probably not today
and probably not from mono.
Kissing is one of the great
parts of life, like dancing.
Yeah!
Or rainy days.
Or those croissants
Meryl Streep made in that movie.
We don't have to not kiss.
We just have to smart kiss...
and now, I am going to kiss
everyone in this row...
Do what?!
Tina, no! No, no, Tina!
♪ Well ♪
♪ I don't know much about
huggin' and a-kissin'... ♪
You were good
in that play, Tina.
Thanks.
And if you want, you
can come to my party.
You know, I'll probably
have to weigh my options.
Okay, I'm in.
LINDA: Unbelievable!
Bob, look at this.
That's your...
Wine Shoe.
Some company stole my idea!
Booze Shoes.
Our best selling
novelty wine holder
for five years running.
Oh.
Huh, they stole your idea
before you had it.
Or another way of saying that
is you stole it from them.
I didn't.
I thought of it.
Well, then look on
the bright side, Lin,
you came up with an idea
that people clearly want to buy.
Yeah, you're right.
(gasps) I just got another idea.
Talk to me.
Candle Sandals.
You take a sandal.
You cut a hole in it,
you put a candle in it.
That... rhymes.
Done, million dollars, done.
It's genius.
Et voila.
Gene, go online and order
a thousand sandals
and a thousand candles.
On it.
No.
Oh, excuse me,
Jennifer Love Gorgeous.
Are you lost?
The set of whatever movie
you're working on
is down the street.
Mom, it's me, Tina.
(gasps) Wha-what?
I'm just dressed up
because I'm going
to Jocelyn's birthday party.
Just a regular old birthday
party, nothing special.
Right, Dad?
Right, Tina.
Have fun at
your regular birthday party.
Okay, bye.
What was that about?
They're gonna play
spin the bottle.
Oh. Oh!
Aww.
What's spin the bottle?
Can we play?
Yeah.
That would be weird.
♪ ♪
Mm-hmm... checking the wind.
Floor is tilted one degree...
Oh, my God, Tina, go!
My mom's gonna be
back in 37 minutes.
Okay.
Here we go.
("Just What I Needed"
by The Cars plays)
♪ I guess you're
just what I needed ♪
♪ Just what I needed ♪
♪ I needed someone to feed ♪
♪ I guess you're
just what I needed ♪
♪ Just what I needed ♪
♪ I needed someone to bleed... ♪
♪ I don't mind... ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Wagstaff's own
puberty positive players,
The Hormone-iums,
featuring Tina Belcher.
(crowd whooping and applauding)
♪ New friends on your face ♪
♪ It isn't yucky ♪
♪ You're breaking out
and you're lucky ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ Can't keep it in any more ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ You're bursting
out of your pores ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ It's simple ♪
♪ It's pimples ♪
♪ You've got inside-out
dimples ♪
♪ You're... ♪
♪ Breaking...♪
♪ Out... ♪
(crowd cheering)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh.
Ooh, my little star
has a Hormonee-os show today.
Hormone-iums.
Ugh, we have the Internet now,
do we still have
to listen to songs
about puberty during lunch?
What's the show about this time?
Changing bodies?
Aunt Flo?
We have an Aunt Flo?
She's missed all my birthdays.
(sighs)
We're performing
"Body Hair! Where? There!"
Tina, you seem upset.
Do you not like that one?
No, I love it.
It's just... I've been
in that group for two years,
and even though I'm totally
over my stage fright now,
Mr. Frond has never
given me a solo.
Chorus is just as big a deal
as the solos, sweetie.
Just because people
don't care about something
doesn't mean it's not important.
Thanks, Mom.
Lost and Found auction time.
All right!
I'm ready, Linda.
We got a pager,
a thermos with something
rattling around inside it.
Oh, my God, maybe
it's an emerald!
Could be.
You got to buy it to find out.
We also got a "I Voted" sticker;
could save you a trip
to the polls next year.
I want that!
All right,
Teddy, get down!
One really large
high-heeled pump,
and a half bottle of Chardonnay.
Hey, I left that here.
Guys, this stuff
isn't that good.
I mean, you know
you don't have to
buy anything, right?
Uh-uh, yes we do, Bobby.
Linda's such a good saleswoman.
She sold me a nickel
for a dime once.
Great nickel, too, super shiny.
All right, just... Come on,
come on, come on, I'm so excited!
Yup.
Okay, here we go.
You know the rules.
Your hand goes up,
you got to pay,
so don't stretch or wave
unless you got the dough.
FROND:
Three minutes, performers.
Angela, you look a little pale.
Do you have blush
or would you like
one of the other students
to slap you?
Your choice.
I have blush.
Hi Tina.
Wassup, girl?
Hi Jimmy Jr., Zeke.
Hey, did you hear
about Jocelyn's party
this Friday night...
You mean about
the 45 minute window
when her mom is going
to pick up her brother
from soccer practice
and her dad is
on a business trip
so there will be
(whispering): spin the bottle.
Um, yes, I heard.
Yeah, that one.
Pretty crazy, huh?
It's not that crazy
once you realize
that the bottle's rotation
is pretty predictable
if you can figure out
the drag so you just...
Tina, line up.
(upbeat music playing)
♪ There's something new
on me and you ♪
♪ Brand-new fur on him and her ♪
♪ Hair! ♪
♪ Where? ♪
♪ There! ♪
(gasps)
Ow, Mr. Frond, she fell on me.
(whispering):
Is this part of the show?
I have no idea
but this is the best
they've ever been.
Angela, come with me.
Everyone else, keep going.
And people say
that theater is dead.
LINDA: 15 now, who'll say 15?
For this very nice
book of matches, 15 cents.
15!
15 cents from the sexy
stylist on the stool.
Do I hear 20 cents?
Oh, oh, me!
Oh, I got 20 cents
from the tomb raider,
Mort the mortician.
Twenty-five!
Whoa, too rich for my blood.
Going once...
going twice...
sold to Teddy for 25 cents.
Yeah! Yes!
In your face, Mort.
In your face.
Easy.
Sorry, sorry, you know I get
carried away at the auction.
Okay, next item is
an extra large, extra in-charge
women's high-heel shoe,
left behind by Marshmallow.
I asked her if
she wanted it back,
she said it was out of season.
Let's start the bidding
at one dollar.
One dollar, come on, people.
Teddy?
I don't know any extra
large one-legged ladies,
but if I did, man,
I would be getting that shoe.
50 cents?
Forty-five?
Thirty?
You're missing the possibilities,
here, people.
It's not just a giant shoe,
it's a, it's a...
it's a... uh,
it's a Wine Shoe.
Yeah, it's an elegant way
to display your wine.
Oh, my God, I love it.
It's like a foot
that gets you drunk.
Five dollars.
No, no, no, no, no, six!
Uh, seven!
Really?
Okay, seven dollars going once.
Eight!
Eight dollars, do I hear nine...
Nine!
Mike, you want that thing?
You don't?
No.
Good.
$15!
Do I hear $15.50?
Uh...
$15 going once.
(Teddy groaning)
Twice!
(groaning)
And three times a lady,
sold to Gretchen for $15.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that is gonna haunt me.
FROND:
Thank you all for coming in.
I have terrible
slash wonderful news,
Hormone-iums.
Angela has come down
with mononucleosis!
Oh, no, will she be okay?
Who knows?
But the real news is
that to confront
this urgent crisis,
there will be a special
assembly this Friday
about the dangers of mono,
and I have asked the principal
to ask us to perform at it...
and he said,
wait for it, "Fine."
So, this Friday,
The Hormone-iums will present
our new review, Mona Nucleosis,
on the auditorium stage!
(all gasp)
Exactly!
I'll be holding auditions
between Tina and Candy
to determine who will
temporarily replace Angela
as our female soloist.
Tina can have it.
I'm just in this group
as a punishment. Wait, what?
What?
Nothing, congrats, Tina.
Okay... congratulations
to our new soloist,
Tina Belcher.
♪ Oh, my God. ♪
I mean, I guess that'd be okay.
(excited chattering)
ZEKE: Tina, look over here!
PETER: Tina, we love you!
She's great.
She's so great.
Tina, is it true
that you'll be starring
as Mona Nucleosis
at the all-school
assembly this Friday?
Well, I don't want
to brag, but it's true.
(crowd cheering)
Tina, I know this
is weird timing,
but will you marry me?
No, no, no, marry me!
No, marry me!
You get over here.
Ow, Zeke, ow!
Ow, Zeke!
(grunting)
Zeke, ow! Zeke!
I could get used to this.
Tina-bean-a,
time to get ready for school.
More like school needs
to get ready for me.
Love it!
Love the confidence.
Linda!
Have I got a bone
to pick with you.
Me?
Yes, you.
What?
My girlfriends at the salon
love the Wine Shoe so much,
they will not stop bugging me
to order one for them.
(gasps)
It's like the Patrick Dempsey
calendar situation
all over again.
Oh, my God, really?
Yeah, I've got four hairdressers
who are willing to pay upwards
of, like, $20 for one.
Stop it.
Yeah.
You hear that, Bob?
I heard.
You don't have any
more Wine Shoes, though.
Right, well, uh, let's see.
I can call Marshmallow
and see where
she gets her shoes.
Bob, give me her number.
I-I don't have her number, Lin.
Oh, I thought you had it.
Okay, uh, do you know
where she lives?
All I know about Marshmallow
is that she comes and goes
as she pleases,
she answers to no one,
and she is truly free.
Okay, calm down.
She's a free spirit, we get it.
TINA: ♪ There's nothing ♪
♪ You're missing ♪
♪ If you're not kissing ♪
♪ Kissing is so scary ♪
♪ It will make you ill, oh! ♪
♪ So if you wanna kiss someone ♪
♪ Go on and kiss your pill-ow ♪
♪ I never want to kiss ♪
♪ Even if I have great breath ♪
♪ Kissing causes mono ♪
♪ And mono can cause... ♪
death.
Say, Mona, I'd like
to kiss someone.
But kissing is dangerous.
(mouthing) PETER:
nlt won't hurt to do one kiss.
Okay, when you put it that way.
(smooching)
(coughs)
Oh, no.
I'm dying...
of mono.
♪ She's dying, she's dying ♪
♪ She's dying ♪ I... I...
Mr. Frond, my character
really dies?
That seems kind of extreme.
Oh, okay, Tina, perhaps
we should do a non-extreme show.
That'll get our point across,
right?
Something subtle?
I'm just not sure
this is the best way
to teach kids about mono.
I mean, most of the time,
kissing is fine.
Maybe that could be the song.
♪ Most of the time ♪ Oh, Tina,
♪ Kissing is fine... ♪
Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina,
Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina.
Yes?
The theater is about drama.
Happiness...
sadness, fear, death!
Now, let's take it
from the top...
and, Candy, let's make sure
those jazz hands look
a little jazzier, okay?
It's not called
wet napkin hands.
(sighs)
Maybe no one will come
to the mandatory assembly.
Kids, your dad
and I are going to Toe-Tanic
so we can make more Wine Shoes.
Oh, my gosh, we're almost
out of Wine Shoes?!
What the heck are you
guys talking about?
Toe-Tanic is an over-sized
women's shoe store.
Wine Shoe is a thing
your mom invented,
and now Gretchen's
friends want to buy
them for some reason.
Of course, of course,
makes perfect sense.
W-w-w-wait, you are not going
to Toe-Tanic without me.
I guess you can come.
Like you could stop me!
All right, fine, I'll go,
and I'm in charge of everything.
I called it.
Tina, you want to go?
No, I'm good.
Tina, you okay?
Yeah, fine, fine, fine.
Just going over
my script for the big show.
Well, we're all
really proud of you
and your...
and your puberty stuff.
I know it's a big deal to you.
Yeah, I'll just stay here
and memorize my lies.
I mean lines!
Bye!
O-okay, see you in a bit.
Great!
Let's go to the land
where the women are big
and the dreams are bigger.
MAN: Hello, welcome.
I'm Adrian.
How can I help you?
Hi, we're in
the market for high heels.
Sir, my mom's
got a business idea.
It's called Wine Shoe,
and we want to buy in bulk.
Well that sound...
I'm sorry, wait,
did you just say "Wine Shoe"?
Yeah! You take a bottle of wine,
and you put it in a shoe.
Uh-huh...
Right?
Oh... that's it?
Yeah!
Pretty good, right?
Yeah.
Now, what will a pair
of these honeys
set my client back?
Oh, those?
Uh, they're $155.
(coughs) Wow! Okay.
Can you show us something
in the, uh... ten dollar range?
Ten dollars?
Uh, okay.
Do you know how much material
goes into a size 14
woman's shoe?
How much engineering?
This heel will hold up
to 350 pounds of woman.
Walking... working...
dancing... living.
In fact, my good friend,
the incredible
Miss Taint Behavin'
does five shows a weekend
in these exact shoes.
So even if there was a ten
dollar size 14 woman's shoe,
I wouldn't sell it.
Lives are at stake!
How old do you have
to be to work here?
Twenty-seven.
LINDA: Oh, well,
what's the use of having dreams
if they can't be crushed?
Hold on, Mom.
Maybe we don't need
to buy those shoes right now.
What? Then all we'd have is wine
and what good is that?
I can't believe
I just said that.
We pitch our idea to investors.
What investors?
Where do we find investors?
Right... there.
(laughing)
Oh, hello, Belchers!
Just having one
of our money fights.
(laughing): Get away!
(Fischoeder and Felix laughing)
See what I mean, Mom?
(gasps) FELIX: I got you!
No, no, what're you
talking about?
BOB AND LOUISE: Oh, my God.
This just in.
Someone got mono so
now we all have to watch a play.
Here's more from Jocelyn.
Thanks, Tammy.
The play is this Friday,
which is also my birthday.
There will be
an all school assembly,
where the Hormone-iums
will perform, Mona Nucleosis,
a show about
the dangers of mono,
but it's not about my birthday,
I don't think.
Let's see the clip.
♪ No, no, kissing ♪
♪ Kissing is the worst ♪
♪ If you kiss me ♪
♪ You'll end up in a hearse. ♪
Wow, downer.
Don't kiss Tina, I guess.
And now weather.
Jocelyn?
Whoa, Tina!
You're like the cover girl
of No Kissing magazine.
No, no, no!
I do like kissing!
Didn't seem like it.
No, I, I...
(gasping)
(nervous grunting)
(Tina nervous grunting)
Oh, no!
(nervous grunts)
Tina, what are you doing?
You can't put these up!
No one will ever want
to kiss me again!
(Tina nervous grunting)
Stop it, Tina, stop it.
I quit, I quit,
I'm quitting the show.
I quit!
You can't quit.
You're Mona Nucleosis!
And we're gonna be
on the main stage!
Do you know how long
I've been trying to get
the principal to let
the Hormone-iums perform
on that stage?!
And no one is going to think
you really hate kissing.
Do people think Tony Danza
is really The Boss?
I do, I mean,
he's at least a boss.
(groaning)
Oh, Tina, you always
wanted to be a soloist,
and now you will be and it
doesn't have to stop there.
I mean, this could be
just the beginning
of solos for you.
Really?
Yes.
Hey, what if I made you
the female Hormone-iums
soloist permanently?
Whoa, that's been
my dream for two years.
And now it's all coming true.
So, do we have a deal?
(nervous groaning)
Okay.
Great.
Now, Tina, no more freaking out.
Just press your feelings
into a tight little
diamond and sparkle.
(groans)
Oh... hey, Tina.
Quick thing about
my birthday party.
Sorry, but I have
to uninvite you.
What?!
Yeah.
It's a reverse-vitation.
You have a minus
one to this party.
Wait, why?
Because Tammy said.
You're like a kiss narc now.
Hello!
How can we trust
Miss No Kissing not to
(whispering):
rat out a kissing party?
I don't really hate kissing.
I'm just playing a part.
Okay, but I'm playing
a part where
I uninvite you to my party,
and I'm really good at it.
You are.
You're really believable.
I know.
I'm like so good at this role.
(nervous groaning)
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist.
Permanent soloist!
Oh, good, you're here.
I got Gretchen to loan me
the Wine Shoe back for 24 hours.
We got to work on
our pitch for the Fischoeders.
They're coming
tomorrow afternoon.
Okay, Gene, write these down.
All right.
Um, Mer-loafers.
Mm-hmm.
Sauvingnon Blahniks.
Mom, listen to me.
We need to sell Wine Shoe
as a journey, not a product.
We got to tell them a story
and if that fails,
you have to cry.
Huh, all right, okay.
Uh, the story is...
Wine Shoes...
go together...
like wine...
Good so far.
Y... sometimes, you just need
a little wine in your shoe...
to get through...
Wait, you could do, uh,
Cinderella.
Yes!
Like, oh, where
does this shoe fit?
On a bottle of wine.
The one you've been waiting
for your whole life.
Finally, you found
your Prince Charming,
and it's a bottle of wine.
Oh, my God, Bobby,
I'm transported.
Dad, you son of a bitch.
Let's do this.
(whoops)
♪ I thought kissing
would be heaven ♪
♪ So I kissed a boy ♪
♪ Or seven ♪
♪ Mononucleosis has got you ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ Worse than halitosis ♪
♪ It's a kissing disease ♪
♪ All your bad decisions ♪
♪ Have kicked you in your butt ♪
♪ If only I'd kept my ♪
♪ Lips ♪
♪ Shut... ♪
We're ready.
(upbeat music
from Gene's keyboard)
Oh, I have the most
beautiful bottle of wine
in all the land...
but alas, I have no place
to display it.
Hark.
Ooh, I wasn't expecting that.
Excuse me, fair maiden,
but I couldn't help but notice
that you may have dropped
this shoe at my castle.
I did?
I am going from home to home
seeing what this
shoe could fit on.
Oh, it looks too
big for me, alas.
But wait!
What if the shoe fits
on the wine?
(all gasp)
We'll fund your play.
I have a few notes,
but I think it would
be great if you...
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, we're not selling the play,
we're selling this.
(keyboard plays fanfare)
Gentleman, today we are
offering you a 50% stake
in our company, Wine Shoe,
for the low price of $1,000.
Never more will
your wine look lame,
sitting there on
the counter like an idiot.
Pinot gross-i-o!
Give your wine that wow
factor with Wine Shoe.
Ah!
So... you did not call me
over here to give me rent money?
Okay, so you're out.
Felix, what do you say?
Well, I have had some businesses
like this in the past.
I founded Light-Tights,
the tights with the light-up
fannies. I have those.
I'm afraid, however,
that Wine Shoe...
Wha-wha-what?
...just doesn't speak to me.
What?!
Yeah, sorry, Linda,
but it's a no.
Oh, come on...
Mom!
(whining)
What?
(whispering): Cry.
Oh, oh, right, right, right.
(crying)
Look what you did to my mom.
(Linda wailing)
Should we sneak out?
Yes.
Here we go, sneaking out.
BOTH: Sneak...
sneak, sneak, sneak.
Ugh.
Aw, nuts!
LINDA:
I don't know what went wrong.
I thought I could sell anything.
I really thought
I'd get my dream.
Dreams are dumb!
They ruin your life!
What?
Tell me about it!
I'll never be the Royal Baby.
Can I finish my dinner
in my room?
Uh, sure.
(groaning)
(Linda sighs)
I guess I'll go talk to her.
No, Lin, you're still
sad about your shoes.
I'll-I'll go.
All right.
(crying)
Uh, Tina, can, uh, can we talk?
Still got that spaghetti, huh?
Yeah.
That's good.
We'll wash the sheets later.
Okay.
Look...
you are obviously upset.
I-is... is it about
your puberty show?
Kinda.
You want to tell me about it?
Okay, but if I tell you
then I'm telling you
another kid's secret.
Do you swear not to tell?
I think so...
as long as it's not...
murder.
It's not.
Good.
Well, there was gonna be
45 minutes of spin the bottle
at Jocelyn's party...
Okay...
...but I got uninvited
because now I'm Mona Nucleosis,
the face of anti-kissing!
Oh, uh, that sounds bad, yeah.
And Mr. Frond told me I could
be the new permanent soloist,
but if I do the show tomorrow
no one will ever want
to kiss me ever again.
Okay, first of all,
people will want
to kiss you again, Tina.
Really?
Yup. Boys?
Yup.
Huh. What do they look like?
I-it's a hypothetical, it's...
Tan?
Yes, they're tan boys.
But not like
that orange-y self-tan.
Nope. Anyway,
I know puberty positivity
is important to you
and that's good but
if doing this play
is making you say
something you don't
believe in, then maybe,
you shouldn't do it.
Even if I said I would?
Yeah, because whether
you kiss anyone or not,
you're in charge
of your own... mouth.
Who you kiss with it
and what you say with it.
And, Tina?
Are you gonna say you
have to tell on Jocelyn's party?
No, I was going to ask you if
you wanted me to get
you a handful of ice cream.
(students chattering quietly)
FROND: All right,
places, everyone.
I'll see you on the other side.
(to self):
It's my mouth. It's my mouth.
It's my mouth.
Okay, everybody,
let's do this thing.
Just be advised I've made some
changes to the end of the show,
try to keep up.
There's our cue, let's go.
Oh, no! I am afraid this
student, Mona, is dying.
Dying from mononucleosis.
Nurse, I need you
to write something down.
Yes, Doctor?
(mouthing)
DARRYL: Kissing is really dangerous.
♪ Well... ♪
Wait, Doctor!
Um, uh, yes, Mona?
I feel better.
Oh. Hey!
Because mono would
really only cause death
in someone very old, very young,
or someone who had a compromised
immune system.
I looked it up.
Okay...
(whispering): Tina, if you don't
stick to the script, the only thing
you'll be kissing is
permanent soloist good-bye.
I've made up my mind, Mr. Frond.
Kissing isn't dangerous,
but misinformation is.
♪ Well... ♪
Wait!
Darryl, do you have mono?
Uh, no.
(smooches) Whoa!
(audience gasping)
There, see?
Nobody died...
and nobody's going to die.
I mean, we all will, eventually,
but probably not today
and probably not from mono.
Kissing is one of the great
parts of life, like dancing.
Yeah!
Or rainy days.
Or those croissants
Meryl Streep made in that movie.
We don't have to not kiss.
We just have to smart kiss...
and now, I am going to kiss
everyone in this row...
Do what?!
Tina, no! No, no, Tina!
♪ Well ♪
♪ I don't know much about
huggin' and a-kissin'... ♪
You were good
in that play, Tina.
Thanks.
And if you want, you
can come to my party.
You know, I'll probably
have to weigh my options.
Okay, I'm in.
LINDA: Unbelievable!
Bob, look at this.
That's your...
Wine Shoe.
Some company stole my idea!
Booze Shoes.
Our best selling
novelty wine holder
for five years running.
Oh.
Huh, they stole your idea
before you had it.
Or another way of saying that
is you stole it from them.
I didn't.
I thought of it.
Well, then look on
the bright side, Lin,
you came up with an idea
that people clearly want to buy.
Yeah, you're right.
(gasps) I just got another idea.
Talk to me.
Candle Sandals.
You take a sandal.
You cut a hole in it,
you put a candle in it.
That... rhymes.
Done, million dollars, done.
It's genius.
Et voila.
Gene, go online and order
a thousand sandals
and a thousand candles.
On it.
No.
Oh, excuse me,
Jennifer Love Gorgeous.
Are you lost?
The set of whatever movie
you're working on
is down the street.
Mom, it's me, Tina.
(gasps) Wha-what?
I'm just dressed up
because I'm going
to Jocelyn's birthday party.
Just a regular old birthday
party, nothing special.
Right, Dad?
Right, Tina.
Have fun at
your regular birthday party.
Okay, bye.
What was that about?
They're gonna play
spin the bottle.
Oh. Oh!
Aww.
What's spin the bottle?
Can we play?
Yeah.
That would be weird.
♪ ♪
Mm-hmm... checking the wind.
Floor is tilted one degree...
Oh, my God, Tina, go!
My mom's gonna be
back in 37 minutes.
Okay.
Here we go.
("Just What I Needed"
by The Cars plays)
♪ I guess you're
just what I needed ♪
♪ Just what I needed ♪
♪ I needed someone to feed ♪
♪ I guess you're
just what I needed ♪
♪ Just what I needed ♪
♪ I needed someone to bleed... ♪
♪ I don't mind... ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.