Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - Stand by Gene - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

I'm bored.

Somebody do
something interesting.

Well, wait till you
see our new handshake.

Up top, time to mop.

And...
Bop!

It isn't ready yet.

Yeah, it is pretty slow today.

You guys want to take
the day off, maybe?

Go have some fun...

How'd you get to
the door so fast?



Adios! Later! Bye!

I just said it.

Be back in time to help
clean up after closing.

Aw, if you two would
move a little faster,

we wouldn't have heard that.

But you did
and now you got to help.

Hey!

These are all stained.

I told the kids not to store
the napkins under the sink.

They're all ruined.

On the plus side,

you made three in a row.

I know.
Watch this.

Sky hook! Ah!



So what do you say...
normal day off stuff?

Or we could try something new?

Hitch hike to Myrtle Beach?

Meet all the Myrtles?
No, no, no, no.

Let's stick with
the tried and true.

We look for loose change
under the pier,

use that to buy
some Fortune Fudge,

then ride the Zany Plane...
inverted...

throw up,
and do it all over again?

You really like getting
your inverted on, huh?

I'm developing a taste for it.

We've already inverted ourselves
twice this month.

When is enough enough?!

When we're out of throw up? Yes.

Found another quarter!

Two dimes
and six pennies for me!

I always get the worst section!

Nothing but bottle caps
and Band-Aids!

- No way.
- Yes way.

A two-butted goat?
Impossible.

I swear I saw it...
two butts.

On a farm, right past
that cornfield on Route 6.

Just stop trying to impress me.

We're already friends.

Two-butted goat!

Two-butted goat!!!

Watch this one, Lin.

Off the counter and swish!

Well not swish, but...

Ah, good one.

You weren't even looking.

You try.
It's fun.

Take a few shots.
Nah.

Come on, the restaurant
is empty.

Hey, we could play Horse.

I don't know.

Maybe if we don't keep score.

Well, you can't play Horse
without keeping score.

You have to.

It's just... we can get

a little competitive.

You get a little in your head.

I get a little in your face.

We won't get like
that this time, I promise.

Okay, I mean,
it's not really fair.

I was fourth-grade
hoop-shoot champion.

And you weren't, so...

Okay, take it easy.

Boosh!
All right.

Now I have to make
the same shot.

And I miss.

Huh, all right, so I get an "H."

Yeah you do.

Which is good and fine.

And this is fun.

I'm having fun.

Not at all in my head.

Spin around clockwise
and then yell out

your favorite Meryl Streep
movie... It's Complicated!

Yeah!

In your face!

I mean, not in your face.

Sportsmanship.

You're seriously telling me

you don't want to go
and see a two-butted goat.

That cornfield on Route 6
is really far away.

Also, there's no such thing
as a two-butted goat, Gene.

Yeah, call me when
there's a two-butted boy.

Or just tell me,
since we live at the same place.

We never do anything
I want to do!

No, we did that one time.

We went to the hospital
when you got a concussion.

Remember?
No!

Plus, we have
a great day planned.

Now let's read our fortunes.

"Stay away from teenage skunks,

they have P-U-berty."
Ha-ha! Na...

"If 'ifs' and 'buts'
were candies and nuts,

we'd all be eating our words."

Butts!
It's a sign!

"The one destined
to be your true love

will be revealed
at the end of a journey."

Wow.
Intense.

Oh, you got a piece
from the old batch.

Before they started making
the fortunes hilarious.

Yeah, it's old.

Huh, is the ceiling fan
on a little higher?

It's blustery.

Ceiling fan.

The only problem is
you're playing against

the fourth-grade
hoop-shoot champ!

It's like the fifth time
you've mentioned that.

Teddy, come in!

Can, uh, can I get you a burger?

Nah, maybe just a coffee.

And some fries.

And a burger.
And a beer.

What's going on here?
What are we doing?

Oh, me and Bob
are playing Horse.

He's about to lose.

Oh, you guys are competing?
Uh-oh.

Well, we'll have
to finish later, anyway.

Uh, 'cause I have to go
make your food, so...

Oh, no, no, no.
I'll wait.

I want to see what happens.

Um... okay.

This will be
either fun or terrible.

Bend the back, over the rack!

Wow!
What's all this?

They're playing horse.

This is it, Bob.

Game's on the line.

Air ball!
I win!

Is the sun coming in at
a weird angle or something?

Eh... no.

Uh, you know, I think

I'm just too strong.

I feel like I need, like,

uh, something heavier.

Still missed.

Well, now, all right, hold on.

I... H-How about a new game?!

This game, uh,
is a little more challenging.

I-It's, uh, like napkin darts.

What the hell is napkin darts?

Yes! We'll call it Narts!

You call where you want
to throw it.

Let's say, uh, that stool.

And your opponent
has to make the same shot

or they get a letter.

But not to spell "horse,"
to spell "Narts."

Seems like he's just
ripping off Horse.

I don't know if I'm gonna
be any good at this.

I'm a hoop-shoot champ.
This is different.

Huh, not that different.

I got next!

Ah, I wish I had shorts on.

Bob, can I borrow some shorts?

Mmm, no.

Hmm, the planes are looking

extra zany today.

How many butts does
a Zany Plane have?

None!
This goat has two!

Trust me, Gene.

When we're flying
on this thing inverted,

defying the laws of gravity

and spitting in
the face of science,

you'll forget all about
the two-butted goat.

Two-butted goat?
Say butt, say what?

Oh, hey guys.

Hi, Jimmy Jr., Zeke.

And Jocelyn and Tammy?

I guess I didn't
get the invitation

to the "Eighth Graders
Go to the Wharf Day"?

That's not what this is.
We're just hanging out.

Oh, phew. Yeah,
don't get your boobs in a bunch.

We didn't even come together.

It was just me and Zeke.

And then they started
following us.

You wish.
Where are you going next?

Hey, guys.

I followed
Tammy and Jocelyn here.

Hi, Darryl.
Hey.

Hi, guys.

Rudy, when'd you get here?

I've been here the whole time.

Everyone keeps cutting
in front of me.

Yeah, it's too crowded here.

Zeke, let's go
on that ride over there.

Ba-ba-ba, ho-ho!

I want to hear about
this two-butted goat!

Spill it!

I was under the pier and I heard

these guys talking
about a two-butted goat

on a farm out by the cornfield
on Route 6.

And I'm the only one
who wants to go see it!

Well, count me in, Gene-o-sabe.

Oh, come on, that can't be real.
You think?

If a cow's got four stomachs,

why can't a goat have two butts?

Technically a cow
just has one stomach,

with four separate chambers.

But there was a two-faced
cat in England,

so a two-butted goat
seems possible.

All cats are two-faced.

Guys, the Zany Plane
is super fun.

And we're in line for it.

Oh, and it's real.

I want to go see
the two-butted goat!

Me, too!

Really, Zeke?
I mean, um...

Yeah, me three.
I'll go.

Sounds good.

Maybe it's my destiny

to go on this journey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We could spend our whole day

going to look for this thing,

and it might not even exist!

She's right.

There's no guarantee it's real.

But it might be.

So I ask you...

would you rather have
a lifetime of regret,

or an afternoon
of mild disappointment?

That is deep.

I'll go if you go.
Oh, my God!

I was just about
to say the same thing.

I really was!
Oh, my God!

Should we go? Should we go?
Should we go? Let's go!

Let's go!

I am... in!

No, back out.

Nope, back in.
I'm okay.

Fine, I'll go.

And when we get there
and there's no goat,

Gene, you have
to do all the cleanup

when we get back
to the restaurant.

What if there is
a two-butted goat?

Then I'll do all
the clean up. Deal!

Either way, I don't
have to clean up.

Sounds great.

Follow me
to the two-butted goat!

Does anyone know
where Route 6 is?

Not at all. Nope. No!

I don't know any of the roads.

Then follow me
to the gas station

to get a map and some beef jerky

and use the bathroom!

Everyone's doing
what I want to do

and it feels great,
doesn't it... Darryl? Rudy?

Pretty good.

Wrong day to experiment

with dress shoes and no socks.

Just so you know, Gene,
if we get lost

you still have to do
all the cleanup.

Worth it!

Looks like we just
stay on this road

and it takes us to Route 6.

And then there's
lots of dotted lines

and a big green patch...
that must be Iowa.

Those dotted lines
are probably fire roads.

And it looks like this
one might be a shortcut.

If the road's on fire,
we're not going on it. Yeah.

Just kidding! We'll do
what everyone else does.

Let's take the shortcut
and get there shorter!

I don't know... they're
dotted lines for a reason.

We don't know what's
in-between those dots.

Let's find out!
We got some dots to connect!

I'm just gonna say what
everyone's thinking.

Does two butts mean three
cheeks or four cheeks or what?

More importantly, are we talking
about separate anuses?

Does that mean
it can fart in harmony?

Fart-mony!

I never even thought of that.

This is bigger than I imagined.

It's the biggest thing ever!

And it's not real.

Why are you being so negative?

Well, for one, we should all
be riding the Zany Plane.

And two, if a two-butted
goat does exist,

don't you think
it'd probably have,

like, it's own show on TLC?

And three, overhearing
teenagers at the pier

might not be the best
way to get information.

Mmm, I would agree to disagree,
because that's actually

how I learned that green
scrunchies are out.

What? Oh,
my God you're being paranoid.

I told you that I liked it.
I know.

I believe it exists.

The world is full
of mystery and magic!

Yeah, if nature can make
all the different colors

of autumn leaves,
why not a two-butted goat?

Damn straight!

I'm a bit of a leaf-peeper.

Whoa,
Rudy has a sensitive side.

Could he be my destiny?

In 20 years, the age difference
won't matter.

I never noticed before,

but you look like my mother
when she's tired.

Probably not my destiny.

Okay.

Nice and easy.

You can do this.

If you miss, you lose.

You lose a game
that you invented.

Sometime today, Bob.

- Damn it!
- I beat Bob at Narts!

Rematch!
I'm up.

Oh, right.
Well, uh,

maybe we should
do a-a tournament.

Uh, Mort probably
wants in... right, Mort?

Yeah, I'm feeling Narty.

God, Mort!
You ruin everything.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Great, I'll draw it up.

Write my name up there
as "Win-da."

No.
Yes!

Two, two

Two-butted goat!

Our voices sound good together!

No they don't.
Like Hall and Goats.

Hey, I think that's
the fire road!

Yeah!

Two, two, two-butted goat...

Why are you dragging
your wagon, Jimmy Jr.?

Yeah, aren't you excited?

It's... this was supposed to be
a day with just me and Zeke.

Look at them.

It's "two-butted goat this,"

and "our voices
sound good together that,"

and "there's
the fire road this."

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you jealous of Gene?

What?!
Why-why would I be jealous

of Mr. "Perfect-hears-about

every-two-butted-goat
in-the-world"?

Oh, my God,
you're so Gene jelly!

You're a Gene jelly donut!

No I'm not...!

Fine, I am.

Aw, okay.

So to get Zeke back,
you have to remind him

how fun you are
to hang out with.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Wait, like how?

Find a five-butted goat.

Yeah.

I think it's an electric fence.

Maybe to keep deer
out of the corn?

Don't touch it.

It's not an electric fence.

It's just humming.

Don't all fences do that?

Rudy, touch it.

No thank you.

We can do this...
just carefully

limbo through the wires and...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.

It didn't even hurt.

Hey, I'm gonna pass the zap.

Who wants some?

Uh, I'll take a zap, Zeke!

Gotcha!

It tickles and it hurts

and I pooped a little,
but it went back up!

That's what I'm talking about!

He gets it!

Oh, man!

Electricity was literally

running between them.

No, that was beautiful.

I'm so happy to hear...
Shut up!

Here's how you go through

with the least
amount of contact.

I got it! Nope!

Seizing up!
Seizing up!

Maybe my destiny is Zeke.

So brave.

Can you see my bones?
Are they glowing?

But not that bright.

We could just

go through this gate.

Maybe it's Darryl.

So smart.

The gate's too heavy!

Um, let's keep looking.

Anyone can walk through a gate!

You're missing out!

All right, door handle.

All right!
Okay, Teddy.

This is it.
Last shot.

You have to make this
or Linda wins.

I got this.

Aah!

Thanks a lot, Bob!

What?
What did I do?

You breathe too hard!

I breathe too hard?

That's you!

Hey, calm down, Teddy.

Don't you touch me!

Teddy!

Don't you see what's happening?

She's turning us
against each other!

You are!

Oh, I am not.

Teddy says that every day.

You witch!
Okay!

So, Mort's up next.

Good luck, Mort.

Maybe I'm not the guy...

Go, Mort!
Uh...

You're playing, Mort.
We're gonna keep playing

until somebody beats her.

I don't know.

I've never been good
with napkins

or toilet paper...
Gross.

That was a pretty
lame cornfield, Gene.

No mazes, no scarecrows...

No children of it.

Pretty good-looking
corn, though.

And now we get to cross
a river on a dead tree.

Like in the movies!

That's fun.

I like movies.

Hold on, everyone.

I think that's poison ivy.

Uh-oh.
Great, first Gene's idea

gives Zeke a twitch
he didn't used to have.

It'll go away.

And now we're
all gonna be itchy.

I say we head back.

Yeah, I heard poison ivy

is really bad for your skin.

What? No...

I already have eczema.

I don't even want to know

what poison ivy will do to it.

Okay, listen.

If we keep going, it may be

a risk to our smooth,
silky skin,

but I say it's still worth it!

Because we're talking
about a two-butted goat!

Now, who will stand with me?!

I'm actually done.
No way. Sorry, yeah.

Not me, buddy.
I can't.

I don't want to
risk my silky skin.

Yeah, we're out, right Zeke?

No way, J-Ju!

If it's out there,
we have to try!

I'm with you, Gene!

Psst, go to him.

Go!
Go!

Fine, I'm coming.

I'm in, too.
Sorry, feet.

Oh, I'm going.

I want to see your face

when you see my face
laughing in your face

when you don't see
a two-butted goat.

And I have to see
what destiny awaits

at the end of this journey.

Settle down, Robert Frost.

You guys won't regret
sticking with me.

Darryl, Tammy, Jocelyn,

you sure you don't
want to keep going?

Oh, they're gone.

Well the good news is

the poison ivy
is easy to step over.

Even with these
regular-sized legs.

Yeah!
It's almost fun to step over.

Nuts.

Man, that poison ivy is thick.

I knew I was gonna
get a rash today somehow.

So, what do we do now, Gene?

Well, I think if we could hop

from rock to rock,
we could stay above it.

God closes a door,
Gene notices a series of rocks.

Let's do it!

You have to remind him how fun
you are to hang out with.

Yeah.

Hey, Zeke!
Check this out!

I'm David Lee Roth-in' it!
What?

Panama!

Whoa!
Didn't they have

a song called "Jump"?

Yeah, so what?

Why not say that when you jump?

I just...
I didn't think of it.

Whatever.
You try it, Gene!

Nah, I'm more of a Sammy Hagar.

Hagar-in' it!

That's fun!

Hagar-in' it to destiny.

Aah!

I'm okay.

Come on, let's go, Mort.
Come on.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Are you kidding me?

Are you serious?!

Should I close my eyes?

Would that help?

I'm starting to feel bad
for you guys.

And under the leg

to the bell above the door, aah!

Oh, boy.
What's going on in here?

Napkin darts?

Yeah, we call it Narts.

Cool, I like fun words.

I got next.
Who's winning?

Linda.
No one can beat her.

She's like an evil Narts robot.

She is the hoop-shoot champ.

You told Mike you were

the fourth-grade
hoop-shoot champ?

No, I read about it.
You did?!

No, she told me.
Oh, right.

Anyway, I was a pitcher in
junior college, so, uh...

Bring it, mailman!

You'll-you'll be up after Mort.

Which is... Mort, throw it.

Right now.
Yep.

Mike's up.
Beat her, Mike,

and you get a free burger.

But if I win,
I get free mail. Go!

Uh-oh, no more rocks.

And a lot more poison ivy.
Look!

That's got to be the farm!

But we can't get to it without
walking through poison ivy.

Maybe we could swing
across on a vine.

No.

Well, Gene, we tried your idea

and it was a gigantic failure.

So, time to head back?

No! Only one of us

has to get poison ivy for us
all to see the two-butted goat.

What do you mean
"only one of us"?

One person gets it by carrying
the rest of us across.

Oh. Oh, wow.

And since this whole thing
was my idea,

I think that person
should be... me?

I'm all choking up over here.

This guy's my hero.

Come on, boy!

Come on, boy!

What I miss?

It's still NAR to NAR.

She'll slip up soon enough.

Mike is our best hope.

Flying burgers picture.

- Yes!
- Nice one!

Ha!

Damn!

Return to sender, baby!

Get it... mail?

So tired.

Legs itch so much!

Look at him...
sacrificing himself,

so that we might live...

to see a two-butted goat.

Like a little, rashy Bruce
Willis in Armageddon.

I can't believe we're about
to see it!

Damn, I thought that was gone.

It's all gonna be worth it!

We're almost there.

Oh, my God, please let there be
a two-butted goat!

Please let there
be a two-butted goat!

What, Gene?
Nothing!

We're almost at the end
of our journey.

My destiny is
going to be revealed.

If it's a farmer,

please let him be a teen farmer.

What, Tina?

I said please let him
be a teen farmer!

Ta-da!

A no-butted nothing!

Wait! Look!

Show us your butt!

Here, goaty goaty goat!
Here, goaty goaty.

Come on.
Come on, little fella!

Come on.
Come on out, buddy, come on.

Come out here so we can see
your butt! Nothing weird!

I just can't take it anymore!

Can you see it, Gene?

Go!

Yes! It's...

It's...

it's a one-butted goat!

Oh.

Ha!
Gah!

I failed you all!

Yeah, you did.

I really believed.

I hoped and I hoped
and then nope.

I won the bet,
but I kind of wish I hadn't.

I'm sorry, Gene.

You deserved to see that goat.

No, I didn't!

There is no mystery!

There is no magic in this world.

I don't believe it.

Oh, my God... Gene!

Everything just has one butt.

Nothing is special.
Gene, look!

It's time for me
to grow up, I guess.

Gene, Gene, Gene!
Turn around!

What?!

You're real?

You're real!

Okay!

It's NART to NART.

This could be
the final shot, Mike.

You scared?

Maybe if I make a really
big fart sound,

she'll miss.
I doubt it.

But if we both make one
at the same time,

it might be loud enough.

Let's do it.

Okay, Mike, I call...

the blade of the ceiling fan.

Which blade?

There's five of them.

The one with the ketchup on it.

How do you get ketchup
on a ceiling fan?

Ready, Bob?

Make it a good one.

On three.

One...

Two...

Oh, my God,
what's wrong with me?

Lin

Da...

Three!

Where were you?!

Sorry, Teddy, I can't do it.

That's my wife.

And...

got it!

Linda, yes! Great shot!

Wait, you're cheering for me?

Uh-huh.

And...

Linda gets free mail.
Hooray!

All right!

Yes!
Linda wins!

Here you go, Linda.
It's on me.

Okay, that's it.
Tournament's over.

Linda is the champion!
Ha!

Lin, sorry
if I got a little bit...

exactly the way you said I'd be.

It's okay... it must be
annoying how good I am.

It is.
One more time?

Just for fun?

Okay, just for fun.

But we'll keep score.

You're going down!

I mean, sportsmanship.

It's magnificent.

Two tails and two anuses.

Just like Noah's Ark.

Poor Darryl
and Tammy and Jocelyn.

They missed out.

They'll never know.

In hindsight, one of us
should've brought a camera.

I'm sorry I doubted you, Gene.

Me, too.

I could stay here
and stare at this

beautiful bastard's
butts forever.

Hey, stay away from my goat!
Get off my land!

He's not a teen.

I'm kidding!

Come on,
that's just a bit I do...

"The mean, old farmer."

Go ahead, you can pet
little Double Butt.

We can?
Sure!

Fart-mony!

Oh, it stinks.

Twice as much.

Hey, Tina, there's

something I have to tell you.

Oh, my God, is this it?

Is he the one I'm truly
destined to be with?

Yes, Jimmy Jr.?

You're standing in goat poop.

I'm standing
in goat poop and...?

That's it.

I would just step out of it.

I don't get it!
We went on a big journey,

the two-butted goat was there,

but the one destined to be

my true love wasn't revealed.

Tina, listen carefully.

Life is a journey.

Uh-huh?
That's all I got.

I don't have advice.
I'm nine.

No, I see what you're saying.

Well, I'm not saying anything.

Maybe my two-butted goat
is still out there.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

You really did it, Gene.

You changed our lives.

Yeah, come here, Gene...
Victory wrestle!

Come on!
Come on!

No!
I don't want to wrestle!

My legs are itchy and my back
hurts from carrying you guys!

I-I'll wrestle you, Zeke.

That's right!

That's my Wrestle Rascal!

That's my Wrestle Rascal!

Get over here!
Come on!

I am!

Assume the position, big boy!

Ow, ow, Zeke, ow!

I'm gonna flip you over.

Flippin' you over.

Ow, my head!

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

It was a perfect day, Gene.

Yeah, I don't even care
that I lost the bet.

It was worth it to see
a two-butted goat.

You're welcome.

Besides, how dirty
can the restaurant be?

What the freak
happened in here?!

Two, two, two-butted goat

Two, two, two-butted goat...

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.