Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - House of 1000 Bounces - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Rudy's birthday
party, here we come.

Yeah, we're coming for Rudy,

but we're staying
for the bounce house.

If I die from fun today,

scatter my ashes
in the bounce house,

and tell them to keep bouncing.

There's Rudy's party.

Hey, they started bouncing
without us. ‭Let's go!

Should we drop Rudy's present
on the present pile, first?

Let's start a new present
pile right, uh, here.



Just get your damn shoes off!

Excuse me, who are you?

Um, we're friends
with the birthday boy.

Oh, 'cause last time I checked,
this was my party,

but let me check again.

Okay, the cake says,
"Happy Birthday, Dahlia."

The banner says, "Dahlia."

That checks out.

Okay, yeah, still my party.

What is you point, woman?!

You kids have to leave,
like, now.

There's Rudy's party.

That's weird.
‭Sasha?

Tina Belcher, haven't seen you



since you cost me
the King's Head Grand Prix.

We saw each other
at the mall last month.

Yeah, I don't do malls;
that wasn't me.

Oh, that explains
why he kept saying,

"I don't know you.
I'm not Sasha."

What are you doing here?

Is this some kind
of rich kid thing,

where you come to the park
and throw money at the ducks?

Ugh, it's my super-annoying
cousin Dahlia's birthday party,

and my mom made me come
help my aunt chaperone.

You have an Aunt Chaperone?

Between you, me and the trees,

Dahlia is history's
greatest monster.

Sasha, nobody's even
touching the crudité.

Go tell them it's rad,
or whatever kids say.

Okay, Aunt Caitlin.

See you later, Belchers.

Sasha, don't call
these children that.

It's our last name.

Well, he still shouldn't say it.

Hey, guys, thanks for coming.

I'm turning nine,
and I'm feeling fine.

Yeah, happy birthday.
Here's your gift.

It's a holster for your inhaler.

It's supposed to be
for pepper spray,

but we realized it could be
used for any spray.

Oh, wow, that's so nice.

My birthday's
the same day as Ollie's.

My birthday's
the same day as Andy's.

Just saying,
we like holsters, too.

Hint, hint.

So, uh, I hate to be
the guy that's like,

"Where's your friggin'
bounce house?"

but where's
your friggin' bounce house, Rudy?

There was a mix-up
with the rental company.

They thought it was
a duplicate order

and only dropped off one
for that party over there.

What?! ‭What?!
‭Can't they just bring another one?

No, they rented them all out.

My dad's on the phone really
giving it to them right now.

Mm-hmm. N-No, I-I understand.

T-Totally.

This can't be happening!

Happy birthday, Rudy!
Where's the bounce house?

There is no bounce
house, Harley.

No!

Oh, it's okay.
I don't need a bounce house.

I got my buds, I got cake,

and later we'll be making spoon
puppets and putting on a show.

Spoon puppets? Ugh.

Let's hope
it doesn't come to that.

Well, they really
screwed us here, kids,

and, uh, they suggest
we go ask that party

to "share"
the bounce house with us.

They said that's the fun
part about bounce houses,

there's always enough
bounces to go around.

Oh, God, this is a disaster.

Hey, it's okay, Dad.

We've got juice and sunshine.

We don't have any juice.

Oh. Well, we've got water.

No, we're out of water.

Come on, I'm sure
we can talk that girl

into letting us share;
she seemed nice.

No. ‭Oh, good.
Oh, you said, "No."

Yeah, I'm not gonna
share my bounce house

with some rando kids.

Uh, thanks for considering.

Hey, same birthday club.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, so we good?

Uh, can I buy
some juice off of you?

No, we need it for
the after-party.

Do you have any water?

No.

Okay, I guess we could
always drink from the pond.

So, I have to ask.

I've been here 20 minutes,
and I still can't tell.

Is that a real pigeon?

What? Pigeon? What pigeon?

What are you talking about?

Up there, on the TV.

‭Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

Oh, no, no.

So I'm not seeing things.

I got pretty drunk this morning
at brunch at the lodge.

Did you know there's vodka
in a bloody Mary?

Bob, what are you doing?

Uh, I'm moving away
from the pigeon

that's inside of the restaurant.

How'd it get in here?

Did it just walk
through the door?

Can pigeons open doors?

Do you mean metaphorically?

In the right situation,
I suppose.

‭

God, Bob, I've never seen you
so afraid of something so tiny.

It's not tiny.
It's like a small eagle.

All right, well, calm down.

I'll shoo it out.

Teddy, open the door.
‭Got it.

I guess, Bob,
you keep cowering. On it.

Come on, Mr. Pigeon, come on.

Mr. Pigeon, come on, out.

Thanks for scaring him
toward my face!

Bob, what are you doing?
You're freaking him out.

I'm gonna go to the kitchen.

Not 'cause I'm scared,
but because I'm the cook.

Yeah, right,
you don't look scared at all.

Is it still out there?

Yes, it's still here, sitting
on one of the stools right now.

It's a stool pigeon.

Stool pigeon.

Will you stop
having fun with this?

Good thing we have these
spoon puppets to fall back on.

Everybody, pull up a seat
and let's get spooning!

This is unjust.

Hey, look what I made, a robot.

Ugh, Rudy,
you have been so wronged here,

on your birthday.

We can't allow this to happen.

We're getting
in that bounce house.

But Dahlia already said
we can't share it.

But she didn't say
we can't steal it.

But wasn't that kind of implied?

Oh, my God,
a bounce house heist!

We should be filling
that bounce house up with farts,

not them.

I bet they're not even farting.

Don't worry, tell your butts
we'll be in there soon enough.

Or, hey,

maybe we don't steal
the bounce house, eh?

Oh, Rudy, stealing is
the best part of any birthday.

Is this the first bounce
house you've ever stolen?

Sasha, have you been
spying on us,

spying on your cousin?

Don't flatter yourself.

I was over here,
taking a Dahlia break,

staring at the so-called water,

when I happened to overhear
your so-called plan.

Oh, snap.

Okay, fine, I'll do it.
‭Do what?

I'll help you steal
Dahlia's bounce house.

Why would we need your help?

Uh, first of all, ouch.

Second of all,
you need a man on the inside.

I am that man.

Uh, Dahlia is your cousin;
we can't trust you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she's my cousin,
but I wish she was-n.

Really?

Um, are you trying
to look into my soul?

Already there,
and it isn't pretty.

But you're not lying.

Not about this.

Okay, we can trust him.

So, listen, you can't just go

drag this thing
back to your spot.

It's staked down, it needs
a generator, it needs a fan,

and, oh,
it's a 22-foot-tall castle.

Here's what I'm thinking,

You don't need the fan
or the genny if you find a way

to seal the thing up,
duct tape or something.

My wallet is made of duct tape;
is that helpful?

No. Oh.

We're also gonna need a place

to put the bounce house
where Dahlia can't get to it.

There, the lake.
Hmm, interesting.

She's not gonna want
to wade out there to get to you.

Yeah, it's only three feet deep,

but two of those feet
are duck poop, I heard.

Yes, the lake, that's the spot.

But we're gonna have to do
something about the adults.

Your dad, divorced, right?

Why do you say that?

He's here by himself,

he's wearing skinny jeans,
retro eyeglasses,

and his teeth look
like they're on day five

of a whitening strips program.

You're good.

I know. My aunt's divorced, too.

I'll send her this way.

Her New Year's resolution
was to be less picky.

Let's put that to the test.

Gene, Tina, go search
that ranger truck.

It looks like the bumper
is held on with duct tape.

Maybe there's a roll
in the back.

More stealing?

It's not stealing,
it's borrowing.

Everything we're taking today
is going back

to its rightful owners
when we're done with it.

Plus, tape is everyone's.

You can't own tape.

Aw...
I think it's all tired out

from smashing into the window.

Don't know why the open door
isn't as inviting.

Eh, I've walked into
that window a couple of times.

Let's just corner it and grab it

and take it outside, right?

Okay, I'll do the grabbing.

I haven't held a living
thing for a while.

It'll be good for me.

Ah!

Whoo!

He seems strangely okay
with this.

What is this,
reverse psychology?

Huh? What are you doing?

Teddy, Teddy, wait, wait,
let me see him, let me see him.

Huh?

Aw, so docile.

Maybe we should take it to Bob.

We'll show him
how harmless it is.

That sounds like a great idea!

Yeah, he'll see how cute
it is and realize pigeons

are nothing to be
afraid of, come on.

Yeah, that's how
I got over my fear of babies.

Hi, Bobby.
We're coming down.

Bob? You decent?

Yes, Teddy. Why
wouldn't I be decent?

I-I don't know
how you run your business.

Did you get the pigeon out?

Maybe. Before we answer that,
come here.

What?

Hold out your...
close your eyes.

No. What are you... what?

Hold out your hands.
What are you doing, Lin?

Hold them out. Get them...

Okay, okay.

Why are you holding it?!

Why'd you bring it down here?!

Because it's harmless, Bobby.

Look, it's a baby.

Pigeons aren't harmless, Lin.

They steal French fries
and they poop on everything

and they attack people's faces.

Just pet it, Bobby, you'll see.

Look, he likes it.

He's so soft.
Get it away!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Great, now you got the pigeon

stuck deeper into
the restaurant.

Okay, okay, you just got
to let it exhaust itself.

Like Gene at dinner.

Oh, my God.

Wee-yoo, wee-yoo.

Single dad checking out
Aunt Caitlin alert.

What? Where?

The guy who wanted to
share the bounce house?

Oh, I'm sure that was just

his pathetic excuse
to come over here.

Eh.

Okay, you're out of his league,

but you've been away
from the game.

Take a few swings,
shag some ground balls.

I don't know.

Look, he may not be
a sugar daddy,

but he's a daddy, sugar.

Hmm. How do I look?

Pretty divorced.

Go get him.

Hey, Rudy's dad.

What do you, uh,
think of Dahlia's mom?

Uh, I'd let that dump me.

Sorry, you're kids;
but that is my answer.

Well, she seems to
be coming over here,

and she's looking at you.

Really? H-How do I look?

Like a man who's about to find
romance in a public park.

Rudy, booger check?

Clear, except for Ol' Faithful.

He's never coming out.

That's right, son.

Great park, huh?
Really great park.

I mean, if you like parks.

Yeah. Hey, remember
when it was closed

because that guy
kept flashing joggers?

Yeah. Yes, I do remember that.

Yeah, well, that wasn't me.

I don't... Yeah.
‭Good.

I mean, I don't know
why I brought that up.

It's the only thing I can
think of when I'm near a park.

We did it.
The ranger had duct tape

in his truck,
just like you said.

And two dead raccoons.

Being a ranger might not be
the glamorous job we thought it was.

All right, time to move on
to phase two of the plan.

Show me your taping faces.

‭Gene, too big.

Tina, perfect.
‭Thanks.

Time to bring out my lovely
assistant, Miss Direction.

Okay, Dahlia's friends
and Dahlia,

gather round, near me.

Focus all your attention here.

There's nothing else
worth looking at.

Time to toast the birthday girl.

Oh, we're doing toasts?

Talk about the friendship
bracelet company I'm starting,

Wristy Business.
Hey, hey,

eyes up here, kids;
older boy talking.

So, what is there
to say about Dahlia

that she hasn't already said
about herself?

She is without a doubt,
my cousin.

Wait, we forgot the cake.

I'm gonna tell a funny,

loud story about Dahlia.

This is what she sounded like

when she started her
friendship bracelet company:

"Look at me.

"I'm starting
a friendship bracelet company.

I'm however many years old
and I'm an en-entrepreneur."

Hmm?

"How impressive." ‭

My bounce castle!

What? Oh, no. What's
happening? Why you?

Go, go, go, go!

Push, Jeremy, damn it.

I'm pushing.

Everybody in!

Yes, we did it!

Wait, where's Gene?
There!

For cake's sake, wait for me!

This is Rudy's bounce house now,
Dahlia!

You can have it back once we've
bounced all the fun out of it!

I'm floati, I'm bouncing,
there's cake.

This is probably what it's like
to be an astronaut!

I'm tall, I'm small,
I'm tall, I'm small...

Bouncing on land is for idiots.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Mom, go get it!

I'm not going in there.

Make your new boyfriend get it.

Eh, uh, boyfriend?

Okay.

Uh, Rudy, kids, gonna need you

to turn the castle around
and come back to shore!

We can't steer it!

Well, I tried.
It's up to the tides now.

Thanks.

You're very welcome.

So, uh, what do you think, Rudy?

What other kid
has a bounce house

on a lake for his birthday?

It's nice, I guess,

but it's cutting into
spoon puppet time,

and there are all those
angry kids waiting for us.

Rudy, come on.

It's your birthday party, man.
Enjoy it.

Here, jump on some cake;
you'll like it.

Whoa, still going.

That's one tough pigeon.

I wish I had
gone to Rudy's birthday.

Is it weird if I just show up?

Bob, what is going on with you?

I've never seen you like this.

Well, we've never had
a pigeon trapped

in the restaurant before, Lin.

We've lived a blessed life,
and now that's over.

What's the matter? Did
something happen to you?

Did a pigeon wrong you?

I don't think so.
I mean, maybe.

But it would probably take years
of therapy to...

Oh, my God, I remember!

What? What?
What happened? What?

I just remembered
being in this house.

It was dark inside.

And for some reason...
I don't know why...

I-I went upstairs.
Then I heard this

strange fluttering
behind a door,

and I stared at the doorknob

for what felt like
three minutes.

But then I went in,
and there was this big hole

in the ceiling.

You could see
the sky through it.

And then I heard,
I-I heard this terrible cooing.

I guess a bunch of pigeons

had flown in there,
like, dozens.

And then...
and then they attacked me.

Oh, God!

That didn't happen to you.
Yes, it did.

No, it happened to Tippi
Hedren in The Birds. What?

Bob, you're describing
an exact scene

in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

They call it "shot for shot."

Bob, you think
you're Tippi Hedren, honey.

I don't think I'm Tippi Hedren.

I'm describing
an event from my life.

Oh, my God, I'm Tippi Hedren.

Yeah, you wish.

I guess I must have seen
that movie when I was young.

Oh, you poor thing.
You poor dumb thing.

So, I guess, technically,

I shouldn't be afraid
of pigeons.

There's so much other
stuff to be afraid of.

Like getting stuck
in one of those beds

that flips into the wall

or falling down
the shower drain.

Getting choked by a guy.

What?
‭Nothing.

Do you know what,
I'm gonna go downstairs

and I'm gonna
get that bird myself.

Really?

Yeah. I'm not afraid
of pigeons anymore.

Yay! Go, Bobby!

Attaboy, Bob.

You're not afraid of a pigeon.

You're not afraid
of a pigeon, Bob.

All right, here goes.

Are you, uh...
are you still down here?

Oh, that was a really
expensive bottle of olive oil.

Did you do that? Probably.

That was mean of you.

Don't hurt me!

Oh, what happened?
You-you don't look so good.

Oh, you got him.

Ew, wait.
What's all over it?

It's covered in olive oil.

Don't do it, Bob, don't do it!

You can't eat your fears!

I'm not gonna eat it, Teddy.

Then why'd you put
olive oil on it?

I Di... I didn't.

It did it to itself.

So, I guess,
let's put it outside?

Okay, fly away. Go on.

You're free.

Go ahead, live your life.

Don't look back.

I don't think it can fly
with all that oil on it.

Maybe it can just
walk home, right?

It probably lives nearby.

We can't just leave a bird
on the ground covered in oil.

When did we make that rule?

Why don't we just put some
bread crumbs on him, huh?

Some cat's gonna come along
and have a pigeon Parmesan.

Fine, we'll call a shelter,

or whatever you do
for oily pigeons.

Aw, we got a little
pigeon patient.

Jump, jump, jump, jump,

jump, jump, jump, jump, jump...

Ramming speed!

What was that?

Row, row, row your boats!

We're under attack!
It's a siege!

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?!

Jeremy, seal the gates.

Everyone else,
bounce on this side.

We'll move this sucker
with bounce power.

It's working.

I found the weak spot!

Rip it off.

No, no, no, no!

- No!
- Stop!

Oh, no!

Maybe it'll be fine
without air in it.

Mm, yeah, maybe not.

We're sinking!

Everyone abandon ship!

But I'm with my dad
this weekend,

and he doesn't have a dryer.

We don't have a choice!

Yes! You lose.

Yeah, you're right.
She's all yours.

Oh.

Sasha?

I thought you were on our side.

Gene, shush.
He's a double agent.

He has to pretend to help them.

Oh. Sorry, Sasha.

I forgot you were
a double agent.

Oh!

Oh, man.

Sasha? You bastard!

Okay, fine, yes, I helped them,

and I have zero regrets.

This is Ranger Matthew Dainko.

Come to shore immediately.

You're in big trouble!

- Well, now I have one regret.
- Aw, crap.

So you took
this party's bouncy house,

pushed it into the lake,

sank it, and stole my duct tape.

Who steals duct tape?!

Kids will be kids, right?

We're a bunch
of little stinkers.

Yeah.

These are serious charges.

Oh, okay.
So what happens now?

Shall we all exchange
information, Caitlin?

No, no, thank you.

But, just...
to cover all... ‭Nope, nope.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

These kids are going to jail.

Jail?

Well, ranger jail.

These cones are like bars, okay?

Don't cross them.

They're not like bars.

But we get your point.

Can we crack a window?

It's smelling
awfully rangery in here.

No! Now, you,
it's paperwork time.

Oh, you are very intense.

Whew. I mean, little setback...

got incarcerated...
but all in all,

pretty great birthday party,
huh, Rudy-Rudes?

Huh, your face is looking
a little red there, pal.

Squishing
your fists pretty tight.

Does that mean you're happy?

"Great birthday party"?!

Great?! This is the worst!

I didn't want to steal
that bounce house,

but none of you would listen.

All I wanted
was a spoon puppet show.

I wrote a script and everything!

It's a comedy-drama

with two strong female leads.

I was proud of it.

So...

you didn't like your party.

Right, uh-huh.

Oh, okay. ‭What are...
what are they saying?

They have a pigeon lady.

She gives baths
to dirty pigeons.

Aw.

Dirty pigeon lady.

So, does someone
come here and get it?

Oh, we drive it to you.

But you're, like, 50 miles away.

It's just, I carried
the pigeon outside,

and I-I took kind of
a big step today,

so maybe you guys
should take it from here.

Oh, okay, bye.

What is it? What are we doing?

What are we doing?

Okay, Bob, it's ready!

I'm in the bathroom, Lin!

What?

Why are you in the tub
with the pigeon?

We were supposed
to give it a bath.

Yeah, in the kitchen sink.

I wouldn't fit
in the kitchen sink.

Not you, just the pigeon.

Oh, yeah.

You're right.
I-I didn't think of that.

That, uh, yeah, that would've
been the way to do it.

Yes.

But I did need a bath.

I was touching a pigeon all day.

Mm-hmm.

Look, Lin, I put bubbles on him.

He looks like
a British barrister.

Hello. Guilty as charged.

Well, I guess you're not
scared of pigeons anymore.

I guess not.

Hey, this is how The Birds
should have ended:

Tippi Hedren taking a bath
with a bunch of birds.

Hey, Rudy,
want to have a puppet show?

No, it's too late.

We don't have spoons,

but we still have the makings
of a great cast here.

Such as this up-and-comer.

I'm Pam Flit.

Get it? Pam Flit.

I'm just dying to play a strong
female lead in a comedy-drama.

I could watch that pamphlet
read the phone book.

Tina, you're stamps.

Stamps? I won't mail in
this performance.

Gene, calculator.

You can count on me.

Type, type, type. "Boobs."

Harley, stress ball.

Oh, my God, I totally connect
with this character!

Andy, Ollie, comb
and that other side of the comb.

It's got perfect teeth.

Like you, Ollie.

Sasha, paper-clip.

Thank you.

Harley, I want the stress ball.

Trade.
You're the paper-clip now.

Ooh, I love the paper-clip!

I am attached to this project.

I want the paper-clip back.

Just give me, give me it back.
‭No, no!

Give me it back. Oh.
‭No, no!

Hey, what about me?

Uh, Jeremy, you're your belt.

Oh, cool.

Is this happening?

Is this really happening?

Yep. You got your script handy?

Yeah. I mean, I was hoping
we could workshop it a little bit.

Also, we should
probably tweak it,

'cause it was
written for spoons.

But you know what,
we'll find it.

Let's just dive in.

Hey, what are you kids
doing past the cones?

You're touching all my stuff!

All right, come on, kids.
We're free to leave.

Oh, um, can we stay
a little longer?

We're just about
to do my script.

Yeah, my big monologue's
coming up, I assume.

Oh, well, I, uh...
Okay, you can stay.

What? I can't just let you kids

stay in here
as long as you want.

Then every kid would be
in here all the time.

How about this?
We'll give you a part.

Eh, I don't know.
What's the part?

You can be, uh,
well, the stapler.

The stapler?

It's a pretty meaty part.

All right, I'm in.

Thanks, Louise.
This is the birthday I wanted.

You're welcome, Rudy.

All right, enough chitchat.
We got a show to do!

Places, everyone.

"We open on a tenement
in Baltimore in 1981."

Last time I saw you,

you were prom queen.

Oh, yeah?
Well, now I'm a hooker.

"She takes a long drag
off her cigarette,

knowing it could be her last."

Do the dirty pigeon,
do the dirty pigeon

Do the dirty pigeon, do
the dirty pigeon

Do the dirty pigeon,
do the dirty pigeon

Do the dirty pigeon, do
the dirty pigeon

Hello. Guilty as charged.

Do the dirty pigeon,
do the dirty pigeon

Do the dirty pigeon, do
the dirty pigeon

Do the dirty pigeon...

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.