Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Sliding Bobs - full transcript

Faster! Faster!

Gene, stop whipping me
with a tube sock.

Well, sorry I don't
have dress socks.

Keep going, Dad.

You're almost
at the water station.

Oh, my God.

Yay, Dad!

You're peddling like crazy

and not getting anywhere.

Just like your life.

Great encouragement, kids!



And... good enough. Oh!

Now, hit the showers,
sweat stuff.

And wash this sock. It's got
your stank all over it.

Boy, your father's getting
a lot of good out of this

old exer-cycle someone
dumped in the alley.

Maybe it was a hint
from a concerned friend,

like someone anonymously
mailing you mouthwash.

Yeah, did you like
the flavor, by the way?

'Cause they also make cinnamon.

No, it was really good.

Oh... Hey!

That's weird.

So, it looks the same?

Yeah, your bald spot is still



exactly the size of the lid

of a mayonnaise jar.

Or a tiny crop circle.

Huh, I guess it's a mystery.

Bob, your mustache!

What?

You're going lip bald!

All right, well,
it doesn't look great.

Or it's sexy.
It shows a little skin,

but leaves something
to the imagination.

"Internet, does
my father have mange?"

Maybe I should
just shave it off.

"Shave it off"?!

No, no, no! You can't!

Bob, your mustache is
like an old friend.

It introduced us.

It was how we met.

Wait, it was how you met?

I thought Mom lost a bet.

Come on, you know this story.

I never told you this story?

Guys, this is our chance to say

"Yes, you did tell us
that story."

I was engaged to Hugo,

but I wasn't that into
hanging out with him.

Here we go.

So, one night, I was
having a quiet cocktail

with my friend Ginger.

So, I said, "That's not
how you throw a shrimp.

This is how you throw a shrimp!"

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, my God!

Hey, you got a lot of nerve

grabbing girls' diamond rings

with your thick, luxurious,

Tom Selleck-Ian mustache.

Hi.
Hi.

Uh, my eyes are up here.

Should we get some scissors?

What's the rush?

What do you mean?

Oh, I... Sorry.

One thing led to another,
and, uh, I gave Hugo

back his ring and told
him I met a mustache.

Whoa! So if Dad didn't have
his mustache that day,

you guys don't click,
don't get together,

we're not born.

A world without a Gene

is not a world
I want to live in!

Oh, please.
Mom and Dad are destined

to get together no matter what.

It's called fate and it's great.

That's an easy way
to remember it.

No, no, no, no.
Shave Dad's face,

Belcher kids are erased.

If Dad's lip has no hair,

we never come out of there.

Well, we'll never really know
what would've happened

if I didn't have
a mustache back then.

But we can wildly speculate.

No. I don't want to do that.

I take you back to that night.

Everything is the same...
almost!

"That's not
how you throw a shrimp.

This is how you throw a shrimp!"

Dad's naked lip is no match

for a small karat, visibly
occluded, rose-cut diamond.

You know a weird amount
about diamonds.

A boy can plan for his big day!

Ow!
Oh, oh, God!

Sorry. Uh-oh!

Got a little blood.

Uh, let me get you a napkin.

Aah!
There you go.

All better. Oh, wait, no.

It's gushing.
Oh, no!

Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, God...

I don't really like
the sight of blood, either.

It's like, what is that stuff?!

Hi, Doc.
Sergeant Bosco, PD.

What do you got...
lip job?

Um, it's a simple laceration.

Just a couple of
stitches should do it.

He could be perfect.

You're losing him!
I'm losing him?

Wait, you're losing me?

He's flatlining!

You're making that sound.

Induce coma!
Induce coma?!

I'm commandeering this patient.
Wait!

Let's talk about...

Powering up.

He's on.
How are you feeling?

I don't feel.

What do you remember?

Nothing.
Correct response.

The OS is loaded.

Welcome to the force,
Officer Robo 'Stache.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Lin!

I'm just giving you
a little comb-over. Ugh.

Gene, why would the police
give me a robotic mustache?

Because they tried robotic
ding-dongs, and they were buggy.

Sure, sure.

But the mustache
unit was bristling

with state-of-the-art
technology.

.45-caliber revolver, tear gas,
paper shredder,

universal remote,
pencil sharpener,

toothpick, melon baller.

Robo 'Stache,
you are fully trained.

We've uploaded police academy
to your brain.

The movies
and the actual training.

They are funny, except for
Miami Beach.

That is correct.
What are your directives?

Serve the public,
protect the innocent.

Dance like no one's watching.

And a fourth hidden secret one

I'm not allowed to know about

but shouldn't concern me
in the slightest.

Perfect. Now hit the streets!

The new broom on Dad's lip

swept the city clean.

Hold it, punk.

Hold it, pug.

Drop the loot, scum.

It's take-a-penny,
leave-a-penny!

More like take-a-tase,
take-a-tase.

Indecent exposure!

Ow, my butt cheeks!
Why would you do that?

So, I'm kind of
nitpicky as a cop.

No, you're not good.

Just keep going, Gene.

♪ I'm engaged to Hugo! ♪

♪ Is that good?
I don't know! ♪

Public nuisance detected! ♪ As
long as I don't think about it ♪

♪ Too much, yeah ♪
Beanbag deployed.

♪ I... ♪ Aah!
Oh, my mouth!

Hey, it's you!
You a cop now?

You look different with
that mustache. You look good!

Compliment accepted.

I'll pass that along
to my supervisors.

They'll be jazzed.

You have the right to
buy me a cup of coffee.

Please don't use cute cop speak.

It's not cute.

So tell me about yourself.

There's not much to tell.

My ding-dong is not robotic.
They are buggy. Oh.

Gene!

It was bound to come up!
See, Gene?

You couldn't stop fate
even in your own story.

Dad has a mustache, and he
and Mom are hitting it off

like peanut butter and Jerry.

You know, that kid from school

who has peanut butter
every day? Jerry?

Uh, uh, uh, don't get attached,

because not everyone lives...
hint, hint. No!

I can't get over how
handsome you look now.

Thank you. You are the eighth
most attractive woman

I've seen today.
Oh.

I arrested seven
supermodels. Oh!

I mean prostitutes.
Oh.

Of all the women who are not
supermodel-prostitutes,

you are the most attractive.

Aw. How about I give
you a little kiss?

For free, right?

Mmm. You zapped me!

This is how you throw a shrimp.

We've met before. I know! That's why,
when I saw you, I said, "Hey, it's you!"

You can say that to anyone.

It's always true.

What happened to you?

I don't know,
but I have some questions.

Robo 'Stache
had some questions.

Who is Bob Belcher?

His name is written
in my underwear.

Bob Belcher?
He's one of your parts.

Like a screw,
but not as fancy as a screw.

Ouch.

You mind turning the voltage
down on the mustache?

It's like making out
with a wall socket.

It's hardwired to his brain.

If we do that,
I don't know what'll happen,

except that his brain will
explode, so power down, or...?

What?! That's horrible!

If you don't like it,

take it up with Mr. Fischoeder.
He owns the cops.

He's, uh, not here right now,
but there's a tiny model of him.

"Wonder Wharfopolis?"

Mr. Fischoeder's dream.
Picture this town.

Now picture it gone completely.

Then picture a giant
amusement park as big as a town.

Where will people live?
The people are in the way!

That's why we made Tin Lip
over here.

To drive people out
with nitpicky policing!

The police are just goons
for Mr. Fischoeder?!

Officer Bosco,
you're under arr-rr...

ruh-ruh, uh-ruh...

Ah, the hidden Secret
Fourth Directive:

"Never arrest Officer Bosco."

Oh, that was smart
to put in there.

Mr. F. thinks of everything.

He's a handsome genius.

One more thing.

Not only do I work
for Mr. Fischoeder.

I am Mr. Fischoeder.

Aha! He shouldn't
have done that.

Now Robo 'Stache can arrest him!

Good, Father, good.

Mr. Fischoeder,
you're under arrest.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Did I not put in "Never
arrest Mr. Fischoeder"? No.

Well, let me just pop this Bosco
mask back on and, uh...

Let's talk,
man to... mm, cyborg.

What-what if I could give you
a robotic ding-dong? No bugs.

Interesting.
No, thank you.

In that case, I'll have
to keep my robo eye on you.

The battle was intense.

It was like
Terminator versus Roomba.

Laser beam!

Eye scissors!
Tear gas!

Stink eye!
Toothpick!

Pink eye!
Melon baller!

But Robo couldn't
handle the big Fisch.

The pupil becomes the master!

System error.

Contact Mustache Administrator.

Brain explosion any second...

Actually, I think I'm fi...

Oh, God.

Brain explosion hurts so much.

It's like getting water
up your nose, but worse.

Ugh! Let's get this back on.

Oh! One more time.

Now I got it.
That's upside down.

How about you just keep it?

Oh, I don't really
have a place for it.

Well, it's my dying wish, so...

I guess I could put it
on my pet cactus

so it looks like
my cactus has a mustache.

Can you imagine?!

Oh, you're dead.

Dad was dead.

And his mustache was
on a cactus.

And that is what
would've happened

definitely for sure.

Huh. It really makes
you think about stuff.

No, Dad wouldn't die.

Mom and Dad would
end up together!

Also, if they arrested everyone,

who would go
to the amusement park?

German tourists.

Hey, Dad,
I found something here.

"Loss of facial hair can be
caused by testicular failure."

Testicular failure?

Gee, even your testicles
are failures.

They're trying.

Let's just change
the subject, please.

Sure. Sports?
What are they?

I know what would have happened

if Dad met Mom
without a mustache,

and it's even more tragic.

Guys, why are we doing this?

Mom and Dad would always,
always end up together.

Shh, Tina.

Love at first sight
is a powerful thing

between two people.

This is how you throw a shrimp!

Hi. I'm Bob.

But usually one of those people
will not be into it.

Hi. I'm not into it.

And then
it's not powerful at all.

Just sad.

And I'm semi-happily engaged.

But Mom at least had
some advice for Dad.

Look, I'm gonna be blunt.
You're a butter lip.

You need a little face candy.
Cocaine?

No I'm talking about a mustache.

You know the saying.

A gentleman down south,
but a bad boy above the mouth?

I don't know that saying,

but if I had a mustache,
you'd be into it?

Yeah, maybe,
but it doesn't matter.

I'm only in town for one night,
and I'm pretty sure

you can't grow a mustache
in 24 hours, so, bye.

A smarter man would have
known he was getting the brush-off,

but Dad was so hooked on her,
and so stupid,

he took it as a challenge.

Dad tried everything.

He rubbed.

He glued.

He sprayed.

There was only one thing
left to try... a wish.

I wish I had a must...

Out of order, buddy!
Oh, no!

The swami's hand's on the fritz.

His middle finger
keeps popping up.

Not what people are looking for.

Well, then,
can you grant me a wish?

I'm not really qualified.

I mean, I'm just
the repair guy. I...

Look, it's an emergency!

All right, uh, I'll do it,

but if you wish my clothes off,
I'm gonna be mad.

I-I wish I had a mustache.

Uh, your wish is granted.
Great, thank you.

All right,
no guarantees on that.

Bad swami.

At first, nothing happened.

What was I thinking?

And then...

You sweet, magical,
fortune-teller repairman.

Ow.

It's real.
How'd you do it?

Don't worry about the past.

Let's just talk
about our future.

Huh, you got
a little soul patch, too.

Oh, um, so I do.

And kind of a unibrow,
how'd I miss that?

Giant muttonchops
and knuckle Afros

and a bushel of hair coming
out of both ears.

And your nose, too.

Uh, okay, so should we order?

Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
What?

Waiter!

So I'm like a werewolf?

That's kind of fun,
kind of cool.

No, you just have uncontrollable
hair growth everywhere.

That's not really...
that's just uncomfortable.

Yeah.
Don't worry, Dad.

When you're destined
to be together,

uncontrollable hair growth can't
stop uncontrollable love growth.

Shush, shush, Mom was
super grossed out,

so Dad needed to
unwish his wish fast,

but...

Oh, crap, the machine's gone.

I'm stuck like this forever.

Dad was devastated.

He slumped away, hairily.

Bob, wait; You're a good man,
and you did this for me.

Let's try to make
it work.

Are you still gagging?

There you are.

There he is.

You want to see?

Oh, so that was a lot
of work for nothing.

Sorry.

Maybe we should
just go for a walk.

You wanna go for a walk?

Do ya? Do you wanna go?

Uh, can you not
say it like that?

He's excited.

He heard the "W" word.

I'm a little excited,
but please stop.

For a moment there, it seemed

like they had
it all figured out.

Hey, hair ball, put it
in a ponytail, right?!

You're shedding all
over the sidewalk!

Shake it off.

Let's pick up the pace
a little, come on.

Cool...

You see, that guy gets it.

I love it, but society
will never accept you...

He's right.

What kind of future
could I give you?

What can I do with my life,
looking like this?

You could, uh...

Uh...

Uh... Nah. Oh!

So I thought I would be
an excellent freak

in your freak show.

Mm-hmm.

Any, uh, qualifications?

I'm... I'm covered in hair.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Education?
What?

Education?
Oh.

I... Yes, Dartmouth.
Ooh.

Uh, I'm sorry, I lied.

I panicked and I lied.

I see.
Harvard.

Oh.
I lied again, I don't...

I...
I didn't go to college.

So you thought you could
just grow your hair a little

and jump into the freak
business, did you?

Um... These people
are professionals.

They are trained.

Can you hang bricks
from your nipples?

I... I-I don't think I can.

You would know.

I'm sorry I wasted your time.

You know what, you're hired.

Wait, that's...
that's great.

You go on in ten minutes.

Get the hair dryer!
We need a blowout!

Dad lived out the rest
of his life as a freak.

Mom developed an allergy
and left him

and became a nun,
'cause she thought

it would be like Sister Act.

It wasn't,
and they kicked her out.

Now she's in jail. The end.

Mm.

So I have even less
dignity in that story.

So that's the one
we'll accept as true.

That's what would have happened.

Dad, great news;
There's a treatment

A mustache transplant.

"Let our talented doctors
take follicles

"from a hairier part
of your body

and surgically implant
them on your lip."

I'm not doing that.

But you're
the perfect candidate.

You have hair everywhere!

Back-stache, belly-stache.

Hello? Butt-stache!
Can we just...?

Let Tina have the floor finally?

Yes, because I know that even if
there's no mustache that night,

Mom and Dad would still
fall in love

because of fate,
which is great! Remember?!

This is how you throw a shrimp!

Ow!
Aah!

Done. They're in love.

Everyone got that?
Everyone clear?

Uh... that doesn't sound right.

Yeah, Dad makes a weird
noise when he's hurt,

and it's not attractive
to women or anyone.

It scares cats.

Huh. Yeah.

Um, okay, maybe
they start out a little rocky.

Hey, crazy arms, take
your crazy-arm medication!

Looks like you took
too much of your medication.

Call your doctor

if you experience
any of these symptoms.

Ugly face, dumb face,
dumb breath,

donkey neck, weird legs.

Weird legs?

Only from the waist down.

Um, now that they've gotten
all that off their chests,

sparks are ready to fly.

Oh, boy.

I don't think this is getting
back on track, T.

No, it does. Fate! Destiny!

Let's get married and have three
kids and live together forever!

Okay.

Mm... Completely unbelievable.

Yeah, I don't think so, Tina.

Mm, nah, that's not
the Linda I know.

Oh, my God, you're right.
Dad would have walked out,

and they would have been out
of each other's lives.

And then...
Huh! Huh! Wha-What? What?

Huh! Huh! Huh!
What?!

It's bad! It's bad!

Maybe you're just
telling it bad?

Don't you see?!

If Mom and Dad
don't get together,

Mom's engagement
to Hugo is never broken!

Are we ready, darling?

So, we're actually doing this?

Of course! This isn't
the rehearsal anymore?

This is the...
the thing?

Hugo grows
a mustache for the wedding.

It's bushy,
and it has it going on.

No!

It gets worse.

They have three children...
Mona, Dean and Charlize.

And because
Mom never breaks up with Hugo,

he never suffers
the tragic heartbreak

that turned him
into a health inspector.

So he's happy, and he pursues
his dream of opening...

a restaurant.

Big day today.
It's a holiday weekend.

All right, let's sell
some hot dogs!

I got it all, baby!

Uh, three kids and a mustache!
Nothing missing!

Big day for another
reason, too, right, Linda?

It's May 5.
5/5.

Oh, yeah, your height!

Yes, my height!

Also, Cinco de Mayo!
Also, our anniversary!

Right, we got married!

I'm so happy.
No lingering regret at all!

Thank you for the best
anniversary! All of you!

You're my children,
and you're all wonderful.

You, Mona, with your appropriate
level of interest in boys.

Boys? Shrug. What else you got?

And don't say horses.

And Dean, my little man.

If only I could pull you out
of your shell!

Dad, please!
Stop paying attention to me.

I can't bear the spotlight!

Sorry for screaming.

And little Charlize,
with your stickers

and your princess dolls.
Could you be any sweeter?

Well, is there anything else
I can do

to help the family business?

Give us a twirl!

Whee!

You're a monster.

It's not me, don't you see?
It's what would have happened!

And now your mother
and I are going downstairs

to stuff the sausage. Gross.

Okay, that's enough.

I wish it was, Dad,
but there's more.

Since you never fell
in love with Mom,

your life was different, too!

Hugo's Hot Dogs, here we are.

You coming, partner?

Yes, I'm coming, Ron!

I have to.
I'm a health inspector!

It's my job!

Free samples! Put
your hands on a wiener!

No double entendre intended!

Hey, I know this building.

I tried to rent it 20 years ago,

but somebody got in
just ahead of me.

Oh, and then didn't you go on

to have a series
of failed restaurants?

Yeah. Thanks, Ron.

Mona, honey,
Jimmy Junior's on the phone.

He wants to take you
to the new zombie movie tonight.

Ugh. Jimmy Junior? Zombies?

Maybe in a parallel universe.

Hello, we're here
to inspect you.

Whee! I'm Princess Spins-around!

That doesn't sound
like a real princess.

Shut up!

I... Sir? Ma'am?

Oh, sweetheart, please, please!

I don't like him!

Hey, I know you from somewhere.

Ugly face, dumb face,
donkey neck, weird legs!

Oh, uh, uh, crazy arms, right?
How are you?

Eh. Well,
we have to check something out.

There's a rumor
that you make your wieners

out of actual wiener dogs.

I mean,
it's obviously false, but...

No, it's true.

What?! Hugo!

Sorry, is that not

the gourmet way to
make wieners? Hmm.

Why didn't I know about this?

In my defense, the pet mortuary

I get the dog meat from
is very respected!

Got to go.
Bye, Mort!

You don't know me!

Hugo, I've been eating
a real wiener dog every day?

Now I don't even know
if I can finish this one.

Nope, I can.

I guess this is for you.

Hugo, let me talk to him.

Maybe I can smooth this over.

Who likes milkshakes for free?

No dog in it.

It's chocolate, not
chocolate lab. Ha, ha.

I'm not into... puns.

Oh, you got
a little chocolate mustache.

Oh. No, kind of looks...
nice, actually.

Ooh, I just got
the weirdest feeling inside.

Could be salmonella.

That's what most
weird feelings inside are.

No, it's like, uh...

something got
on the wrong track...

a long time ago.

It could also be diarrhea.

Hmm.
Come on, Ron.

Let's blow this hot dog stand.

I get it.

Bye, Mr. Health Inspectors!

I admire you both. Bye.

Come on, Ron!

That's what would have happened.

Tina, you got dark, girl.

You got real dark.

That was... disturbing.

I need to go lie down.

I kind of want a hot dog.

So, that's it.

There's no such thing as fate.

Everything is randomness
and chaos!

Uh-huh. A meteorite could crash
into our house any second!

Any second.
No one is meant for anyone!

Not a soul! Tina, honey,
it's okay, it's okay.

Everything is random,

but that's what
makes life so wonderful.

Sometimes all the crap
in the universe lines up,

like that night
I met your father.

Or like the time I petted that
dog and found a Cheeto. Yeah.

Everything lined up,
and it came out Belcher.

How beautiful is that?

I mean, look at Gene.

Okay, don't look at Gene.

It's because
my pants are off, isn't it?

I'm getting ready to exercise,

and I don't want to sweat
all over my Saturday shorts.

Tina, what
your mother is saying is,

maybe we weren't meant to be
together, but we are together.

No, that's not
what I was saying.

Well, I mean, I... what I...
I meant that in a good way.

Bob. Yeah. Wait. I get it.

It was random fate
that brought you together.

Fate is real.
It's just really random. No.

It makes perfect sense.
I feel so much better.

Okay, then, that's what it is.
Great talk, everybody.

Ow! This seat hurts
my private parts!

Ah, who am I kidding?
They're not that private.

Wait. Oh, my God, that's it!

What? What is? The bike!
Testicular failure!

I've been giving it to myself
by riding the bike so much!

It's been squeezing
your tchotchkes,

and you didn't notice that?

I guess I didn't notice it over
how much everything else hurt.

But the results are
fantastic. Look at you!

I bet
if I stop riding that thing,

my mustache will grow back!

Yeah, or you keep riding
and get the butt-stache surgery.

Both great options.
Maybe put it to a vote? No.

Maybe vote on whether to vote?
Well, that's fair.

All in favor of voting in
favor for the butt-stache?

All opposed to no butt-stache?

Interesting. Oh, my God.
I'm moving out.

Hugo, did you ever feel
we were... meant to be together?

Not this again, Ron!

♪ It's called fate
and it's great ♪

♪ That's an easy way
to remember it ♪

♪ It's called fate
and it's great ♪

♪ That's an easy way
to remember it ♪

No, no, no, no.

♪ Shave Dad's face ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Belcher kids are erased ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ If Dad's lip has
no hair ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ We never come out of there ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It's called fate
and it's great ♪

♪ That's an easy way
to remember it ♪

♪ Call it fate... fate ♪

♪ Or destiny... destiny ♪

♪ Fate, fate, fate, fate... ♪ TINA: Fate
is real. It's just really random.

No.

It makes perfect sense.
I feel so much better.