Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Oeder Games - full transcript

Everybody, please!

Everybody, let's
try to settle down.

I mean, a rent hike?
Now? Come on!

Fischoeder's out of
his freaking mind.

What are we supposed to do,
jack up the price of yarn?

There'll be
riots! Again!

I'm starting to
think Mr. Fischoeder

just became a landlord
for the money.

Everyone, can I... can I
have your attention?

Silence!
Yeah, tubby's talking!

Mr. Fischoeder has
raised our rent before,



but this new hike is
the biggest ever.

None of us can afford it.

Except for me, right, son?

What?
Ah, never mind.

What?
Never mind.

I told Mr. Fischoeder

we were coming
to see him today,

but what he doesn't know is

if he goes ahead
with this rent hike,

we're gonna give
him a rent strike!

Yeah! A what?

A rent strike.

It means if Mr. Fischoeder
tries to raise the rent,

we'll stop paying it.



Oh, that might
make him mad, Bobby.

Yeah, landlords hate
stuff like that.

Exactly. It's the
only leverage we have

against a guy as big as Fischoeder.

You sure you want to
be the ringleader on this, Bob?

You know, it could be better
to talk to him one-on-one.

He's not our friend,
Lin, he's our landlord.

We have to show him
we mean business.

Mmm, Bobby Business
over here.

I like Bobby Business.

Okay, Bob, we're in.

Yay, Bobby, you're
going on a rent strike!

Just like in Rent.

Uh, I don't think that's
what happens in Rent.

No, yeah,
that's what happens.

Now you smile.

Now you smile.

Now you smile.

Now you smile.

Stop it, stop it.

Did we really have
to bring our kids?

Did you really
have to wear that tie?

It's important
to show Fischoeder

that we're not just doing this
for ourselves.

Some of us have families.

Aw, I love kids.

Which is ironic, 'cause they're
not allowed in my store.

I-I run a sex
shop, everybody.

If we haven't met, I'm Sal.
Pervert.

Hey, Sal.
Uh, yeah.

Uh, thanks for coming, Sal.

Remember, everybody,
stick to the script.

Rent hike, rent strike.

Oh, look!

I thought I heard
the pitter-patter

of little tenant feet.

Everyone, have a welcome mojito!

Wow, mojitos.

This is going good, Bobby.

Mojito, Bob?
Uh, not for me, thanks.

Oh, nonsense.
It's mojito weather.

I don't want a-a mojito.

Linda, mojito?

Sure!
Attagirl.

Mr. Fischoeder, we've prepared
a few words for you.

Just, um, give me a second.

I'm gonna...
put the mojito down.

Oh, well, that's
a safe place to put it.

The dictionary
defines "rent" as a...

This is an old draft.

Uh, let me just skip ahead.
Here we go.

It was Gandhi who said...

Let me stop you right there,
Bob... Gandhi would want me to.

You're here to tell me
that if I raise the rent,

you'll have a rent strike.

How did you know?

Whenever tenants get together

in these little clumps,
you come up with the same idea.

Well, it's true...
if you raise the rent,

we're, um, we're gonna strike.

Right, everyone?

Oh, but, Bob,
and, uh, loyal, uh...

Bob-ists? Bob-ites?

Whatever you want
to call yourselves.

I'm here to tell you
there's another way.

Another way?
Yes. Carnies?

I don't get it.
A water balloon fight!

Excuse me?
I said a water balloon fight.

It's how we settle
worker disputes on the wharf.

Well, that and
freestyle rap battles.

You may use the entire grounds
of my estate,

from the garden I ignore
to the field in the back

where I dump the old rides.

Uh, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

If you get hit, you're out.

And that means
your rent is going up.

Listen, Mr. Fi...
B-But for the lucky winner

who manages to stay dry,
your rent gets cut in half.

All right!

I could use that
money... to buy things.

Now, what do you say?

N-No.

We came here
to stand together, not...

Hold on, now.

If any member
of my family wins,

my rent goes down?

Yes. Children flank
their parents in battle

just like in the good old days.

Oh, so people with kids
have an unfair advantage.

Would you call that
an advantage?

Giddyup!
I'm okay.

Mr. Fischoeder, we're not doing
your water balloon fight.

We're standing together. Right?

Here's how we're
gonna do this.

You grab as many
balloons as you can,

find cover, and at the
sound of my pistol,

start ballooning.

Every man for himself! Go!

Jimmy, what are you doing?!

I'm getting 50% off my rent!

Don't move, Bob!

Stay where I can balloon ya!

No. No, stand together.

Rent hike means rent strike!

Linda, wait. Guys!

Teddy?
I'm with you, Bobby.

I'm just gonna get
a balloon real quick,

'cause everyone else
is getting balloons.

Rent hike means rent...

No...!

Oh, but the gun says yes.

Kids, stay away
from the water balloons!

Oh, right, Dad,
like you can just tell kids,

"Stay away from
the water balloons."

Sorry, Bob.

Tenant clump un-clumped.

Now it's every honky
for himself.

Everyone, focus.

Fischoeder is using this
to divide us.

People, if we play his game,
there are many losers

and only one winner.

And that
winner's gonna be me!

Reggie, no.

Sorry, Bob.

I'm always the doormat,
but not this time.

I'm gonna win this thing and...

Ah, come on.

Gotcha.

That was for you, Bob.

Ah, geez.

Am I out? I'm out.

Good throw, Zeke.

Thanks, J-Ju.

So do we have an alliance?

Hell yeah.

I'm the Katniss to
your Pita Bread.

Carnies, seize them!

Wha...?
What are you...? Help!

I'll never forget you, Bob!

Where are they taking them?

To the porch of losers.

When you're hit, you go up on
the porch and watch the rest

of the competition
and have snacks.

Ooh, snacks.

Snacks?

- Teddy!
- Eh?

What kind of snacks?

Uh, cheese and French bread.

Ooh.
Little shrunken pickles.

You're missing out.

Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.

Dad, you got to take cover.

You're a high-value target
in a low-value body.

All right, Gene and I
will form a strike team

and go soak some suckers.

This is one wet T-shirt
contest we don't want to win.

No, kids,
you're not doing that.

You guys stay close
while I talk to the tenants

and get them back together.

And... they're gone.

Don't worry, Dad.

You still have me and Mom.

We're like
the Secret Service, Bob.

We'll never leave your side.

I'm just gonna get a few
little shrunken pickles.

Mom, no.
Oh, right, right, right.

People, you're being dumb!

I'm sorry to be harsh,
but it's tough love.

"Tough love," aka "love."

Am I right?

I'm with you, Bob.

This is madness.

Yes, thank you, Sal!

We got to stay together,

like batteries and the things
I sell at my store

that need the batteries.

Great, Sal. Thanks.

Oh, Bob's getting

his little club back together.

Start with the porno guy,
that's what they always say.

Where's that coming from?

By the way,
if you need more balloons,

I've hidden buckets
around the garden.

Let's just say
one of these trees bears

big, wet, jiggly fruit.

Uh, apple tree!

Pineapple! Raisin tree!

No guessing from
the porch of losers.

Look, it's Harold and Edith.

Whoa, that tree house
is nicer than our house.

That tree is nicer
than our house.

Okay, you hit Edith,
I'll hit Harold,

then we'll climb up and see
how rich squirrels live.

Ready?

Hi-ya!

Man, that old prune
can throw a balloon.

There's more where
that came from, baby!

Harold, defend the perimeter!

Huh? Wha...? Oh, all right.

Retreat! Retreat!

Bob.
What?

I got an idea.

We can use my bra
as a balloon launcher.

Linda, no, we're not
throwing balloons.

Also, that idea is not good.

I think it's genius.

It's not genius.
Sure, it is!

A bazonga bazooka!
Ha!

Listen, we got
to find a protected spot

where we can reason with
the tenants without getting hit.

Dad, look.

Oh! It looks like Bob the rat

has found the hedge maze.

Ugh, he's watching us.

We're going somewhere else!
Not the hedge maze!

Don't listen to him!
He's in the hedge maze!

Watch your step, Bob.
I have a suspicion our maid

has been tossing the garbage
in there

instead of walking it
to the curb.

You hear that? Inga?

Jimmy Jr. And Zeke.

You guys keep going.
I'll take care of these two.

All right, but be careful, Tina.

I was born careful.

Remember? You were there.

Damn, J-Ju.
We're out of balloons

in a balloon fight... worst time
to be out of balloons.

- Yeah. Where's that balloon bucket?
- Boys.

Tina!
No balloons, huh?

I have one.
But there are two of you. Hmm.

Tina, girl, just let us go.

Yeah, let us go!

I could. Or I could throw
my balloon at you, Zeke...

...and spend some time alone
with Jimmy Jr.

In this romantic/creepy
hedge maze.

That'd be okay, yeah.

Hold up now, girl. Hold up!

Uh, you, uh... you know I like you, right?
What?

I said I like
you. A lot.

I'm up to my butt in
it, T-bird. Come on!

Huh.
Hell, J-Ju takes you for granted.

Zeke!
Sorry, J-Ju, it's the truth.

Tina, wh-what
are you doing?

I was just about to ask you
on a romantic date!

Bull feces!

Okay, Jimmy Jr.,
if I agreed to go on a date

with you,
where would you take me?

Um, to, uh... to...

the drugstore.
Ugh.

Zeke, can you do better
than the drugstore?

Do what?
Do better than the drugstore!

Uh, tacos, then to the
touch tank at the aquarium.

Check out the octopuses.
Get tacos again.

Maybe wash it down with
some-something to drink.

All sorts of
good stuff, girl.

Jimmy Jr.? Your move.

Uh... I-I...

Just so you guys know,
I'm not enjoying this.

It's very stressful.
But let's keep going.

We're out in the open, kids.
Ready to shield Daddy?

Front shield!
Back shield!

Great. Great.
I, uh... I love you.

Yay! Yay!
Shh!

Listen, I don't know
if anyone can hear me,

but we can still
turn this around.

We just have to stop
fighting each other.

Me, me, me,
me, me, me, fighting each other.

Ugh. Jimmy.

Hey, uh, sorry this isn't
working out for you, pal.

Yeah, well, it could
still work out, Jimmy.

I convinced Sal
to stop playing.

Oh, Sal, you in there?
Yeah.

Well, wait, uh, you don't want
to win half off your rent?

Don't listen to him, Sal.

Guys in your line of work
are hurting.

Are we ever. Damn Internet.

Nowadays, people only
come into a sex shop

if you give 'em
a "boutique experience."

Pshh.
Jazz music playing.

Oh... Huh.
They want clean floors now.

Oh, disgusting! Poor Sal.

Boy, you really need
to win this thing, huh?

Sal, you see what he's doing, right?
No.

Oops. I, uh, gently dropped
a water balloon on the grass,

and it's rolling under
the hedge to you, Sal.

That's weird.

Throw it at Bob.
Throw it at Bob.

Don't pick it up, Sal.

Come on, kids.
Throw it at Bob.

Throw it at Bob.

Throw it at Bob! Huh!
Sal...

Throw it at Bob! Eh!

Throw it at Bob! Huh!
Uh-oh, we're losing him.

Throw it at Bob! Eh!

- Throw it at Bob!
- Sal,

no...!

I'm sorry, Bob and Linda!

Linda, are you okay? You
blocked that with your face.

Yeah. My whole face flashed
before my eyes.

What is wrong
with you people?!

They're not listening, Bob.
So screw 'em.

You got to fight.
And I'm gonna have some snacks.

Lin, what are you doing?

The bazonga bazooka...
use it.

I... don't think I will.

Bob, listen carefully!

You put a balloon in each cup.

Pull it back like a slingshot.

No, I get it.
Aim it slightly up!

It's not that complicated.

I love you, Bobby. Good luck!

She's right.

Screw these people.

Good news, Mr. Fischoeder!

You got me
in your balloon fight!

And I'm gonna win it!
You hear that?!

I heard most of it... I can't
always understand your accent.

I don't have an acc... I...

Never mind!

Anyway I'm gonna win!

I'm playing the game!

Is this what you people wanted?

Huh? Huh?! Come on out!

May I propose an alliance?
Ha!

- You could've just said no.
- Attaboy, Bob!

That's the wrong size
for you, Dad.

But a good color.

Did Mom tell you
to take her bra

and use it
as a balloon launcher?

Yes. How did
you know that?

Mom and I have talked through
this scenario dozens of times.

Take it. I-I don't
really want it.

Wish me luck, kids!

Yeah, okay, luck!
Come on, Gene.

We're going
back to the tree house

to take out
a couple of old coots.

We've got superior firepower.

Superior and padded for comfort!

"How do you know when it's the
right time to kiss a girl?"

Uh, at breakfast,
in the afternoon, in the jungle,

when you're married,
and at the doctor's.

Great answer.
Whew, that was tough.

Ugh, how long do we have
to play this game, Tina?

Until I make my decision.

Well, it's getting boring!

Maybe you just made
my decision for me.

Uh-oh!
You know what?

I'm gonna back away.

And if you're gonna
throw it, go ahead.

Don't walk away.

It's not walking.
It's dancing.

It's walking!
It's a backward dancy strut.

Don't make me do it!

Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it!

Damn it, Jimmy!

Whoops.
Ha-ha! It's my turn now.

Uh-oh, Tina!

Why'd you say
all that stuff, Zeke?

Why'd you tell Tina
I've had work done?

It's not true!

Oh, like you were born
with that nose.

You're the one
with the perfect lips!

Where'd you get those?!

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you throw it at Tina,

and we'll be friends again.

No, I'm not sure
I like that idea.

Hey, look, a hedge!

Bye! I think we were
all winners here.

Aah! I'm afraid of heights!

You're on the first step.

You look like an
ant from here!

Why do you think they want
to get up there so bad?

You want the high ground
in a balloon fight.

Edith would know that.
She fought the dinosaurs.

Come on, help me tie
Mom's bra to a tree.

Then let's tie my
underwear to a bird.

Get back on that ladder, Harold.

You're not having
a heart attack.

You've never had a heart attack.
I did once.

That was a stroke, if you could
even call it that, you big baby.

Okay, ready for launch.
This is it.

Let's make "Double D"
stand for doused and dampened.

Oh!
Aah! Damn!

Wow. I did not
expect that to work.

Wait till the Army
hears about this.

It's everything
we've ever wanted!

Can we get our mail here?

Tree mail!
Tree cable!

Uh, hello?

Felix? Do you live here?

Uh, yes. My brother kicked me
out of the main house

because I have sleep apnea,
and sleep fartnea.

Look! Balloons!

Of course! "One of these trees
bears wet, jiggly fruit."

That is a weird thing to say.

Oh, my God, balloons!
Let's play!

Kids?

Kids?!
Dad?

Good, you got the high ground!

Okay, wait for my signal.

We're gonna pound these punks!

Whoa. Who's the new guy?

♪ Would you like to ride ♪

♪ In my beautiful balloon? ♪

♪ Would you like to glide
in my beautiful balloon? ♪

♪ We could float among the stars
together, you and I ♪

♪ Oh, we can fly ♪

♪ Yeah, we can... ♪

It's Bobby and Tina!

It's just the Belchers
and the Pestos now.

Go, Bobby, go!

Ooh, salami!
Who catered this?

Jimmy, come out.
This ends now!

Tina!

Hey, you broke my balloon!

Well, at least it
was fair and square.

In my back when
I wasn't looking.

Give up, Bob.
I've got more balloons than you,

and I've got boy shields.

Hi, Louise and Gene
and Tina's Dad!

Back shield,
ease up on my throat!

Sorry!

You may have boy shields, Jimmy,

but I have boy and girl snipers!

I said...

I have boy and girl snipers!

These are dolls and a tree
house for the dolls to play in.

Mmm.
Oh, whoa, whoa, careful, please.

They're made to
look like antiques.

Snipers! Shoot him!

Oh, crap.

Oh, they're too far away.

Mom's bra doesn't have
that kind of range.

I guess Mom's
never really had

to launch her boobs very far.

Uh, do you want
to use this maybe?

Uh, yeah! Why do
you have this?

It's how I send my dirty laundry
over to the main house.

Load it up! Quick!

Ha! You only got
my kids, idiots!

All right, Bob...

Wait. Good-bye kiss!
Good-bye kiss!

Oh, God. Okay, okay, okay,
go, go, go, go!

Let's see if you can dodge this.

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, Dad.
Yeah, sorry.

All right, all right.
Easy now, easy now.

Uh, Bob? What's the problem?

Yeah, quit hot-dogging
and do it already.

This is the last balloon.

Yes, yes, yes. Get to it,
you grandstanding foreigner.

No, I have the last balloon.

That means the game doesn't end
till I say it does.

You all have to listen to me!
Ha-ha!

We were gonna work together,
but no!

You wanted to play
this stupid game,

and now you all lose!

Oh, someone's a sore winner.

What made me think
people coming together

could accomplish anything?

People are the worst!

Coming together is the worst!

Are you finished yet?
No!

As long as I have this balloon,
you will hear me!

I will be heard! Damn it.

Well, let's call that a tie.
How about this?

New game. Everybody get Bob.
What?

That's right. Each time
anyone hits Bob with a balloon,

they get $50 off their rent,
and, uh, Bob gets $50 added.

What?! How do I win?

Uh, uh, you have to...
last until sundown.

That's when the game ends.

And Inga and I watch
World's Craziest Car Chases.

Ready, everyone?

Wait! No, no, no, no, no!

Bob, you have ten seconds
to run.

Ten, nine, eight, six, one.

Go!

Help!

Leave Bob alone!

This is how
they want to play it?

Felix,

do you have
any more dirty clothes?

How dirty we talking?
Wow me.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I'll try to keep this briefs.

Go, Bob! Go!

Whoa.

I'm gonna look over here!

Oh, I got to hide.

- Where are you?
- Got a balloon for you.

Wow, Dad might just make it
through this thing.

It's almost sundown.

It's almost sundown?

I didn't bring
my evening face cream.

Where do you think Dad is hiding?

And did that pig just fart?

Hi, Dad.
You farted.

It was the seat. Go away!

Get in the pig with
you? You got it.

No, you guys are gonna
draw attention.

I can win this thing if I just
lay low for another 20 minutes.

So you're saying
we better get comfortable?

No, no, no, no!

Bob? You over there, buddy?

It's not safe here.

I have to make a run for it.

Dad, running's not your thing.

Do you have a plan that involves
standing around all the time?

You're right. Dad
can't move very well.

Thanks, Tina.

But maybe we can move Dad.

Push harder!

Yes.

That's great!
That could work!

He's over there!
Get him!

Bob? Oh, God. Oh, God.

Back off, you maniacs!

Leave my Bobby alone!

Step aside, Linda.

Make me, Reggie!

Come on, sandwich man,
you want to dance?!

Get back! That pig up there
is our father!

And our dad's in there!

We didn't come this far
to not throw balloons at Bob.

Move, please.

Okay. You know what? Fine.

You want to win money
off your rent? Be my guest.

Uh, Linda?
It's over, Bob. You're getting ballooned.

What do you got, 50 balloons?
A hundred?

That sounds high.

Our rent's gonna be nuts.

We'll go out of business,
live in a box.

You kids are gonna
have to work in factories.

I want to work
at C&C Music Factory!

Linda, what are you doing?

Zip it, Bob!

You had it coming
after everything you did.

You brought everyone together,
looked out for 'em,

stood up for what's right.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Go ahead, destroy everything

this family's worked for.

Oh, goodie! I'm just in time.

Looks like Bob is
about to be ballooned.

Direct hits only, people.
No splash, no cash.

Horrible aim.

What's wrong with you people?

Must be a case
of mass butterfingers.

We're standing with Bob.

Yeah, just like before,
but this time for real.

Right, Jimmy?

Ah, I wanted to throw
a balloon at Bob.

It's fine. I'll throw
something at him later.

Maybe a meatball.

Thanks, everyone.

Rent hike, rent strike!

Rent hike, rent strike!

Oh, I get it.
Just because I'm a landlord,

and I wear a white suit
and an eye patch,

and I raise your rent
and ride around

and throw firecrackers at you,
I'm the bad guy.

Well, landlords have problems.

Landlords have problems.

So long.

See?

My golf cart loses its charge
just like yours.

Oh. Mr. Fischoeder,

I-I just realized something.

Is... is it okay
if I sit?

Mm. People are staring.

Mr. Fischoeder, before
I got all these people together,

maybe I should have
come to you first

and talked to you one-on-one.
Mm.

I should have given you a chance
to be the good guy. Mm.

I've known you a long time,
and I just realized now

I might have...
hurt your feelings.

Here's the thing, Bob.

I like you.
You're good people, sort of.

You don't have
to say "sort of."

And I've always
thought of myself

as the kind of landlord
you could pal around with.

Someone you could pat on the
butt as a sign of affection.

That would...
I... I would do that.

No, but don't touch me.

The truth is, Bob,
I was only raising the rent

so you would notice me.

Really?
No. I wanted a pool.

You can't get chicks
with a hedge maze.

Sure. Makes sense.

Bob, I've reconsidered.

Maybe I could
postpone the pool

and the rent hike
for a year or two.

You'll be out of business
by then, Bob, don't worry.

Thank you, Mr. Fischoeder.

I know exactly
how we should celebrate.

Don't hit my pants!
I'm wearing white.

You'll see the outline
of my wiener.

Oh, what the hell.
Fire away!