Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Gayle Tales - full transcript

Hey, this stool is making
a new sound when I spin on it.

It's somewhere right
between seal the animal

and Seal the amazing singer.

(squeaking, singing)

I'd buy that stool's album.
Hey, hey.

No having fun.
You kids are grounded.

Here's something fun. I need
someone to run the old grease

out to the Dumpster.

Don't talk about Mom that way.

Mom, are you still mad?

You grounded us four hours ago.



We've grown so much since then.

Yes. I'm still mad.

And I'm gonna be mad
about it forever.

But it's the weekend.

Everybody's supposed
to go to Bernie's!

Come on, Lin.
I-I know you... No!

Can I just... L-Lin.
Not talking about it. Ever.

Oh. Here comes Aunt Gayle.
And I know this sounds crazy,

but she looks like she's crying.

Oh, God. She can't
just stop by, can she?

Why don't we have a panic room?

Well, my life
is ruined. (crying)

Oh, God.
What's wrong?

Oh, Linda, you remember
that guy I met on Cat Chat?



Stacy?
Yeah...

Wait, men can be named Stacy?
I love America!

Well, we were supposed
to go see Yarnival...

it's like Cirque du Soleil
but with cats...

and then he canceled.
So I guess I'll take Bob.

Oh. Uh, no. No, no, no.
No. J... No.

I'll go with you, Aunt Gayle.
We've been meaning to hang out

for ages but couldn't make
our calendars work, remember?

No, take me!
I yearn for yarn.

Please, Gayle!
I need to breathe outside air!

I need to touch the wind!

Wow, you guys really want
to hang out with me.

Ah, they only want to go
'cause they're grounded.

Why are they grounded? Well...

No reason!
I just felt like it.

They're not allowed to go.
Okay, fine.

I'll go by myself.
That's okay.

I can use the empty
seat next to me

to slump into when I die alone!

(crying) All right, fine.

One of them can go.
I don't care which one.

They're all equally
terrible. Eeny, meeny...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up there.

You have to let us
compete for it.

To the death.
No. No death, Louise.

Or we could, I don't
know, maybe go by, uh,

who has the biggest ding dong.

Gene.
Mmm?

No. I'll tell you
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna do
something you hate.

Let me see.
What do you hate? Nachos?

Homework. That's
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna do math.

Or we could write essays.
(gasps)

(grunts) How dare you. Never!

What a great idea,
Tina. I love it.

Since I'm the one
with the tickets,

I want the essays
to be about me!

I want action, adventure,
love, drama.

And Scott Bakula.

Oh, God.
All right, you heard the lady.

Your time starts... now!

LINDA: And time. Pencils down.

Okay, who's up?
Who's gonna read?

I'll go first because I
have the biggest ding dong!

Gene. Mmm. My story is called

"The Ballad of Gayle
and Jo Gene."

And I hope you brought
your hankies

and some toilet paper,
'cause there's not

gonna be a dry eye
or butt in the house.

The place: Nashville, Tennessee.

It was a hot, sweaty night,
and the patrons

at the Fiddle of the Road
Saloon couldn't wait to hear

their favorite act,

Lindette and Jo Gene.

They had the glitz and glam
to make you say, "Hot damn!"

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

Lana loves a llama,
but the llama loves pajamas.

Y'all sound great, Lindette.
I better.

Lou Belchera is here, the big
fancy Hollywood singing agent.

So don't screw it up for me.
(coughing)

(cheering and applause) A-one,
a-two, a-one, two, three, four.

♪ Oh, the sheriff had a piggy ♪

♪ And he was mighty mad ♪

♪ He saw me a-coming
and my wiener he did grab ♪

(cheering) ♪ Now I can't quit
cryin' and life just ain't no fun ♪

♪ 'Cause a fat dog ate
my hot dog ♪

♪ And I got nothin'
but the bun. ♪ Yeehaw!

(cheering and applause)
Wow. Wowee, wow, wow, wow.

(clapping) Hi, kids.

I'm Lou Belchera,
Hollywood singing agent,

and I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I like what you did out there.

I liked it a lot. And I'd
like you to be my client

and compete in the Big Ole
Opry sing-off next Friday.

What do you say?

We say yes!

No, not you, fumble weed.

The tall one with the big yams.

I'm sorry, but we're a duo.
No! I'm going solo!

Wait, what? No.
Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!
♪ Yes... ♪

But what about me?!

What about you? You heard her.

I'm a star. (chuckles) No,

not yet, you aren't, lady.
But if you win the big sing-off

tomorrow night, I'll take you to
Hollywood and give you a mansion

and introduce you to, uh, I
don't know, Mr. Scott Bakula?

Yay!
Get out of here, Jo Gene.

I'm like a rhinestone rainbow

and you're like a trunk full
of wet boots.

Fine! But I'm taking the
rest of the cold cuts!

And my sequin tube top!
And my dreams!

And the pepperoncinis!

Take whatever you want,
you little pig. And the crudités.

Don't you touch that crudités!
It's mine!

(indistinct chatter)

Shot of hot fudge
with a root beer back.

Leave the bottle.

(hiccups) Tough night, huh?

My singin' partner up and left me.
Oh, man.

(hiccups) My singin' partner
up and left me 15 years ago.

But look at me now.
I'm doing great!

Here it comes. (retching) Ah!

Oh, God.
Gayle!

Come clean up this throw-up.

GAYLE: ♪ There's
lipstick on his pickup ♪

♪ There's mascara
on the wheels ♪

♪ I looked
inside the glove box ♪

♪ And I found a red high heel. ♪

Well, pinch my loaf.
That girl can sing.

Those pipes you got sound like
they came straight from heaven.

Ugh, the bathroom pipes?
Sorry they're clogged.

People keep putting tampons
down 'em. Even the sinks.

No, no. I meant your pipes.
Your singing ones.

My name's Jo Gene,
and I'm looking

for a new singing partner.

(sighs) I'm not really a singer.
I'm just a beautiful waitress

who cleans up throw-ups
in a bar.

Not anymore you're not.
Let's get you

to the all-night Rhinestone
Warehouse quick.

LINDA:
The preposterous ostrich's legs

were monstrous.

Sally Struthers' other brother's
her mother.

Well, howdy, former pardner.

Wha? What are you doing here,
Jo Gene?

I came here to win
with my new partner!

We've got this in the bag.
But not this bag I'm holding,

because that has my sandwich
in it!

Get out of here!
Ah! Not my eyes!

I need them for eye exams!

(quietly):
Psst. Hey. Stage girl.

Yes? I need you to put

a rattlesnake
into someone's guitar for me.

Yes, ma'am.

♪ I'll... ♪

♪ Trade you these tears
for a couple of beers ♪

♪ And this snot
for a shot of whiskey... ♪

Oh, she's good.

Yeah. She's real good.

♪ ...too frisky. ♪

(cheering and applause)
Let's hear it for Lindette!

Now a brand-new duo.

He used to be
Lindette's partner,

and she used to be a waitress
who cleaned up throw-ups.

Let's give a big Nashville
welcome to Gayle and Jo Gene!

(cheering and applause) We call
this one "I Won't Go Solo on You."

♪ Well, I got to
use the restroom ♪

♪ But there ain't
a stall for two ♪

♪ So squeeze on in
and don't breathe in ♪

♪ 'Cause I won't
go solo on you ♪

(rattles)

Um, I think there's a
snake in my guitar.

Use it.

♪ Well, I'd like
to eat spaghetti ♪

♪ But you want vindaloo ♪

♪ So I'll leave in a hurry
and order some curry ♪

♪ 'Cause I won't go solo
on you ♪

♪ Oh, you and me ♪
♪ You and me ♪

BOTH: ♪ We're together
through and through ♪

(rattle)
♪ So if you move to China ♪

(rattle)
♪ I'll be right behind ya ♪

♪ 'Cause I won't go solo
on you. ♪

(cheering and applause) BOTH:
Yeehaw!

(snake rattles)

(rattles)

And the winner is...
Gayle and Jo Gene!

And that wacky snake!
What? That's my snake!

I should win!
Oh, my face!

GENE: So Lou Belchera signed them
and took them to Hollywood,

where they saw the Hollywood
Sign and met Scott Bakula!

I come to the second "O"
in the Hollywood sign

when I'm feeling sad,

but, oh, boy,
am I glad I met you.

And Lindette ended up married
to the old drunk from the bar

because she was a mean person
who liked grounding people

and going solo.

(retching)

Aw, nuts.

The end.
(gasps) Oh, I just loved it, Gene!

Well, I hated it.
Boo. You win, Gene!

♪ I won't go solo
on you ♪ (humming)

Come on! Let's go!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait! What about my story?

And more importantly, my story.

Oh, right, right.

My story is called
"Lady Chatterteeth's Lover."

The sisters Chatterteeth

were the most beautiful sisters
in all of Withering Wharf,

especially Gayle.
She was what you'd call a ten.

She had an almost
equally beautiful sister, Tina.

She was like a nine.
Nine and a half, maybe.

Also there was Eugenia
and Louisa, but they were

less important and not
that much fun in general.

Though Gayle was
extremely beautiful,

she was also extremely shy.

Gayle, could you please pass me
the bread?

(quietly):
Sorry. I can't. I'm too shy.

And the sisters were poor.
Very, very poor.

My petticoats are unspeakable!

The sisters got by
as seamstresses,

sewing the butts back on
to soldiers' pants

when they were shot off
in battle. Mmm...

Tina longed
to marry Lord Jimmy Jr.,

whose butt had been spared
in battle, but according

to the law of the land,
she couldn't do so

until her eldest sister Gayle
was married first.

So many fallen butts.

Why for not can there be an end
to this war?

At least we have the Rich Man's
Ball to look forward to.

Pass.

Oh, dear sister.
I cannot go to the ball.

I'm far too shy.

But, sister, until you marry,
none of us can marry, either.

I want a wedding! But
instead of a wedding cake,

I want to get a
bunch of cupcakes

because it's a long time ago,
so that idea is still good!

I am afraid I'm far too shy.

We're all going to die alone
because of me.

Don't be mad, though, 'kay?

That was the night that Tina
decided she had to find a match

for Gayle. It was mere days
before the Rich Man's Ball,

and so Tina had to find Gayle
a suitor and with haste.

Tina tried every eligible
bachelor she could think of,

but unfortunately
she could only think of one.

Theodore the blacksmith.
Thank you.

Whoa, what do you call this thing?
It's a cup.

Say it again.
It's amazing. A cup.

You've never seen
a cup before? Nope.

I drink by sticking
my head in the river. Oh.

And what's this?
What's what?

Uh, this thing all around us.

A house?
How are you saying that?

House? No, house. House.
How-use. How-use. How-use.

House. House. House. Oh, God. How-use.
How-use. House. So quick. House.

And what about... what about... what
about... what about... what about...

But alas,
Gayle's heart remained empty.

Until he showed up. My horse broke
down in front of your cottage.

May I use your old-fashioned
ink pens and paper

to alert my family and friends
to my delay?

Then I will send the letters
with my servant,

and my family will receive
the letters

right before I get there.
It's a pretty good system.

Of course, sir...

Sir Bob. Belcher.

Lord and heir
to the Belcher Burger fortune.

Oh, my God, that's Bob.
(all whispering)

Why, you're the lord throwing

the Rich Man's Ball,
are you not?

And who is this?
Ah!

Your ankles are... great. Ah!

Her name is Gayle,
and she's not married.

And if you like her ankles,
you should see her shins.

Her shins go on for inches.

You better not be marrying my
Bob off to Gayle, little missy.

Ugh, just let me finish, okay?

Well, Gayle, I hope
I shall see you at mine ball.

Oh! Ah! Ah.

Should I, uh, pick her up?

Nah, we usually just let her
sleep there when that happens.

Oh. Wait. No, she's on fire.
Let's move her.

(horse neighing)

TINA: The date of the ball
had arrived.

Everyone from town was there.

Wow. Everyone from town is here.

Even Lord Ken the albino! Ken!

Oh, I can't wait to see Sir Bob!

Yeah. Have fun with that.

I'm gonna go put a bunch
of crumpets down my corset.

Gonna leave this place
with a month's worth of food.

Hello, Gayle.

What is that lovely
sash about your waist?

I call it a fanny pack.

It's very fetching.
Oh!

Hi, Lady Tina.
Hi.

I hope you like the band
Boys Fore the Present Tyme.

They are very
popular in the city.

Come, let's dance.

They're playing
the Heinie Liney.

Oh!

♪ ♪

Tina, seriously?
Dad, please! I'm almost done.

Sir Bob and Gayle danced
together all evening.

They couldn't take their eyes,
or butts, off of each other.

Where's my sexy fiancé?!
(guests gasping)

Where is he?!

Bob!

Uh, here I am.
Uh, hi... honey.

I can't believe
you'd have a ball without me,

your loud, rude,
American wife-to-be

that you're marrying for money!

(gasps)

Come here! Give me a kiss!

(making silly noises)
Whoa. Uh-uh.

(Linda makes silly noises,
Bob mutters) Aah.

TINA: Gayle was so heartbroken
over Sir Bob

that she fell deathly ill
with pooping cough.

Her sisters tried everything
to bring her back to health.

Leeches.
Yum!

Beaches.

Screeches.
Wake up! Stop being sick!

But nothing worked.
They called the vicar

to come give her last rites.

I'm the vicar, Scott Bakula.

Well, hello! I'm feeling
much better all of a sudden.

Oh, good. Well, let me whisper
a prayer into your mouth.

(gasps) Oh!

(moaning)

Then they Quantum Leapt
into the future

to the day
of their double wedding

with Tina and Jimmy Jr.,

and they all lived
happily ever after. Mmm.

And Sir Bob and Linda
were also married,

and then they had a baby
with a tail

because they were cousins.
The end.

(gasps) That was so good!

Oh, I could feel Scott Bakula's
kiss whispers in my mouth!

Kisspers!
Ah, I've heard better.

And your father and I
are not cousins.

That we know of.

You win, Tina.

Oh! Or should Gene win?

Oh, gosh, this is tough.

(clears throat) I think
you're forgetting something.

Oh, right.
Okay, go ahead.

I call it "Gayle of Thrones."

(all gasp)

Pace yourselves, guys.

You're gonna want
to save your gasps.

Behold the tale of Queen Gayle
of Catsteros.

She was the most powerful woman

in all
of the nine Cat-life kingdoms,

and mistress of the world's
only cat dragons.

People of Catsteros, please eat,
drink and be meowy!

Your Royal Highness... meow...

visitors from the kingdom
of Litter Boxia!

Lady Gayle, we come
on behalf of your sister,

Lindaryen of Litter Boxia,

to present you with a gift
in her absence.

A gift?
I'm surprised.

She's always been jealous of me
because I have cat dragons,

and I'm not a cranky old hag.

Oh, well,
she didn't mention that.

And now, may I present,
this guy!

I'm Gene

from the House of the Unfarting.

My Queen, I am a warlock.

If I disappear,
just check your rear. Blee.

But don't worry.

I always turn up. Blee.

Just never where you left me!

Oh, impressive.

He was over there... meow...

and now he's over here. Meow.

I'm befuddled.

I love your cat dragons!

I'll take them
in my wagon. Blee.

(gasps)
Wha? I'm checking my rear!

He's not there!
And he took my cat dragons!

Blee. Here I am.

Oh, phew.
Blee.

- Just kidding.
- No!

My cat dragons are gone.
I must go get them.

They are my children.

They've suckled at my teats!

Ew.
(crowd murmuring)

At least let our bravest
knight go with you

to assist Your Grace. Meow.

My Lady Gayle.

Knight Louise, this is my fight.

I cannot risk your life.

But I can. Plus,
I really dislike Lindaryen.

She's a tyrant who punishes
children unjustly

for doing hilarious pranks.

I swear my service
and my steel to you.

(gasps) The Burgarean Slapper!

Let us be off.

My cat dragons are
probably very confused

without me and my breast milk.

People of Catsteros,

remain here, remain strong.

I will return with our dragons!

(applause and cheering)

And then I shall
breast-feed all of you! Oh.

LOUISE: And so they set off
for Litter Boxia,

fighting their many enemies
along the way.

They were held prisoner
by Theus of Grimward,

Thannis of Grinjammed,
and Thambis of Gramjimnt.

But each time, they escaped.

There are the gates of
Litter Boxia, My Queen.

Wow, it really stinks here.

Yes, Litter Boxia has not
been cleaned in many moons.

And outside of Litter Boxia,

the most dreaded monsters

in all of the Nine
Cat-Life Kingdoms.

(man speaking) Hark, my lady.
A sound ahead.

What is it?
It sounds really boring.

It's a White Talker!

Cover your ears, or they will

literally bore you into
a deathlike slumber. (gasps)

I tried everything

to get that barbecue stain
out of my underpants.

The best place to park
at the hardware store

is probably the parking lot.

Oh. Oh, I have an itch.
Oh. Oh, God. Oh, it...

Oh, it's so itchy.
Oh, I got to itch it. Don't itch it!

Oh, I can't wait any longer!

Do not take your hands
off your ears!

My lady, no!
Oh, I got to itch it.

Oh, God! Oh, oh! Ugh.

(yells) Oh, no.
He got me.

So boring.

I'm... so bored.

Louise...!

Who goes there?
It is I,

Gayle, Queen of Catsteros.

I seek my sister Lindaryen.

She has stolen my dragons.

Oh. Okay.

So you're Gayle. Okay.

Just go in or whatever. Hi.

Everyone, listen to me sing!

♪ La, la, la, la-la-la-la-la. ♪

Bobdor.
Gayle!

Sister. Surprised to see me?

Not at all!
I knew you'd come,

and I knew when you did I'd get
rid of you once and for all!

I challenge you... to a duel.

(gasps) To the death?

Yes! But let's do that thing

where we pick someone
to represent us

and fight in our honor, and then
die in our place, right?

Oh, good idea.

I choose The Mort-tain!

Mm, uh. Huh?
Oh, okay.

Um, hang on.

Sorry to do this,
Louise, but I need you.

Aah. What-What's going on?

I need you to fight for me
in a duel to the death.

Oh! Good. LINDA: Enough talk!

Let the duel commence!

But let's make this fight
a little more interesting.

Be careful not to fall

into my pit of ravenous
porcelain babies.

(babies crying)
They haven't been fed in days.

(maniacal chuckle) So hungry.

(grunts) (yells)

Thanks for playing, big guy.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(babies whining)

Oh, crap.
Shouldn't have done that.

Well, you beat me
fair and square,

but I'm gonna kill you anyway.

Bobdor, throw 'em into the pit.

Bobdor.

Does that mean yes or no?

'Cause it's the only thing
you ever say. Bobdor.

Yeah, that doesn't help.

I got to get a new fool.
Maybe somebody thinner.

I want somebody hot.

What-what are you doing?

Aah! Ow! Oh!
My babies are eating me!

Oh, bad babies! Down!

Thank you, Bobdor.

I'll breast-feed you first
when we get back to Catsteros.

All right, everybody,
let's go home.

(gasps) Scott Bakula?!
Where did you come from?

Does it really matter?

Bobdor third wheel.
Bye-bye.

Bobdor!

The end.

Louise, you haven't watched
Game of Thrones, right?

No. Game of what?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, Louise,
that was so good. Yup.

You're just all such
wonderful nieces and nephews.

I don't need Stacy.

You've shown me
that I'm talented

and lovable and strong...

(door opens, bells tinkle)
Hey, Gayle.

Still up for that date?
My emergency canceled.

Stacy! How'd you find me?

All those messages you left me
at work and at home

and at my mother's
telling me where you were going.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Okay, let's get out of here!

Bye, kids.

No!
No!

Son of a bitch!

Mom, come on. Are we really
still grounded?

We were just trying to be funny.

Yeah. We tried
to make you laugh,

but instead, you
made the world laugh.

Uh-huh.
It did sound kind of funny.

Hey, uh, Mom, uh,
can we get some ice cream?

Yeah. From that case
right there. Yeah!

Ice cream. Yummy.
Good idea, girls.

Freezer Frankenstein!

(yelling)
Oh. Uh. Whoo. Oh. Whoa.

(passing wind, laughter)

Lin, you fell into a pile
of maxi pads, and you farted.

It's pretty funny.

It wasn't funny!
Everyone laughed at me.

Yeah. Yup. Yup.

And then I had to buy
all those maxi pads.

Oh, it's gonna take me
weeks to get through those!

And then I farted again when
they handed me my bags.

Mom, it was perfect.
Don't you see?

I'm proud of you!

You farted your way
into our hearts, Mom.

Okay. It was...
it was funny.

It was funny. (laughs)

So, we aren't grounded anymore?

Tell you what. You're
grounded for tonight,

and you all have
to watch TV with me.

All right, it's something.

And we're gonna watch
whatever I want,

and we're gonna be
a big snuggle sandwich.

I'm the cheese, right in the
middle, and everyone likes me!

Wait, where are you going?
We're not closed.

We-we don't close for hours.
Bye, Dad!

Wai-wai-wai-wait.
Don't close the d...

They closed the door.
I should have gone with Gayle.