Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Millie-churian Candiate - full transcript

Louise: Uh, lower.

L-lower.

L-little lower.

Just a tiny bit more.

- Uh...
- Yeah, in the trash.

Now, stomp it down with your foot.

Louise, I'm beginning to think

you might not care about Jimmy
Jr. winning this election.

You're so wrong, Tina.

I definitely don't care.

Well, he's going to win.



Henry Haber is the only other candidate,

and his campaign slogan is "chess we can."

Which game is chess again?

The one with the checkers?

Hi, Jimmy Jr., Zeke.

Why is my campaign poster in the trash?

Because it won't fit in the toilet.

Doesn't matter... the math club did a poll,

and I'm up by 95 points.

We're talking landslide, baby.

(Laughing): Here come the mud!

- (Laughing): Okay, don't landslide me, Zeke.
- I'm gonna get you.

- I'm gonna get you. Come on, come on.
- Ow. Ow.

Why do you even want to
be president, Jimmy Jr.?



To pick songs at dances.

I hate it when it goes fast
song, slow song, medium song.

I want ten fasts, then ten slows.

Guys, shh, Haber-danger.

Oh, hey, Habes... you
about ready to say Uncle?

The election is still four days away.

Ever hear of the tortoise and the hare?

Uh, no.

What're you sayin' about Jimmy Jr.'s hair?

It's nice!
- I mean, "hare", like, rabbit.

Well, your hair looks like a weasel.

What? That's... (Laughing)

- Fast song, fast song, fast song...
- Go, go...

- fast song, fast song, fast song...
- Go, go.

fast song, fast...

All right, Jimmy Jr. for president.

They got a lotta ladles.

Ooh, I liked saying that.

Lotta ladles, lotta ladles.

Lotta ladles, lotta ladles.
- Bob: Lin.

- Lotta ladles, lotta ladles,
- Lin.

- Lotta ladles.
- Lin, look at this.

What?

A kitchen knife for $300.

- $300?!
- You think if I pick it up,

a giant rock will come rolling at us?

Wha...?

I'm talking about Indiana Jo...

Who the hell's Indiana Joe?

- Whoa.
- Bob?

(Singing nonsense)

Hi, Louise! (Screams)

Crap! Millie!

What are you sneaking up on me for?

I have a new secret handshake for us.

I bend your finger really far back.
- Ow!

And you bend my finger really far back.

And then into a hug-shake! (Groans)

Stop hug-shaking me.

Tina, get her off of me!

Okay, um, can you let her go?

(Sighs) So what's new, Millie?

Oh, I'm just doing the fourth grade thing.

You know, taking some classes,
squeezing in some recess.

All that running around
doesn't leave enough time

for my best friend over here, though.

We're not best friends, Millie.

Right, I'm your Nemesis...
we love each other,

but we've got some history.

You're not my Nemesis.

We are, we're nemesises... ses.

We're rivals who are also totally obsessed

with each other... "fremesises."

Oh, like Batman and Catwoman.

And like socks and sandals.

Millie, this is all in your head.

We are nothing. Nothing!

So we're on for lunch?

No, we're not on for anything.

I want a Millie-free zone around me,

at least three lunch tables wide.

Okay, three inches wide.

Not three inches!

Three tables!

♪ Little bunny Lou-Lou ♪

♪ Hopping through the forest... ♪

I don't even know why we're talking,

because I am not getting a $300 knife.

No, of course.

The Fukinawa is really only
for professional chefs...

Well, I'm a professional chef, actually.

Eh. Of course.

- I am.
- Absolutely you are.

It doesn't mean I buy $300 knives.

That are "hand-forged
by a master blacksmith

in his mountaintop workshop."

Oh, boy, that's really good.

- Why is that good?
- Are we doing this?

Okay, I'm recommending a
24-hour cooling-off period.

I think we're doing this.

Here, hold on.

Spread it around.

Chess we can.

Mm-hmm, thanks.

Another Jimmy Jr. Voter, huh?

I get it, he's everybody's friend.

Yeah, I'm not really political.

I'd rather be everybody's president.

You're their friend, but you're their boss.
- Oh?

You-you have power over 'em, to help them.

Power...

- To help.
- Power.

Y-you're focusing on the power.

Power.

I should... I'm gonna pass these out...

- Power.
- Over here.

No. I'm running for president, Louise.

(Laughs)

Ooh, I love your poster font, Millie.

They use it for horror movies.

Uh, Mr. frond?

A fourth grader can't be president, right?

Don't be a grade-ist, Louise.

It's a young person's job.

There's a lot of burnout.

Button? (Screams)

Get that thing away from me.

And good luck convincing
anybody to vote for you.

Thanks for your support!

(Laughs)

Louise: Good-bye, Millie.

With all the ballots counted,

Wagstaff's new president is Millie Frock.

Ugh, I don't believe it!

Louise, can you come up here, please?

I want to make an announcement.

No, thank you.

Wrestling team, bring her to me.

Ugh, let me go!

Home ec class, sew her to my side.

(Louise gasps)

Metal shop, make a metal sculpture of us.

Choir, sing my new school anthem.

(Choir repeats): ♪ Millie and Louise ♪

Marching band,

play the "Millie and Louise overture."

Dance club, dance.

Cheerleaders, cheer!

No, no, no.

Millie!

Tina, wake up, wake up.

Oh, what a coincidence.

You watch me when I sleep, too?

No, I want to join the Jimmy Jr. campaign.

(Yawning): Welcome aboard.

I'll show you how to use
the puffy paints tomorrow.

No, I know how to use them.

I want to manage his campaign.

But, um, that's what I do.

Shh, shush, just go back to sleep.

When you wake up, you'll be
assistant campaign manager.

- But I'm the...
- Shh!

Sleepy, sleepy.

Millie is already up
to one percent support.

Our lead was this, now it's this.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what do you mean "our" lead?

Did Tina die and make you campaign manager?

No, I didn't die, I just fell asleep.

Well, I'm really popular.

I'm not worried about Millie.

You should be.

Last month we had to
name the class chinchilla,

and Millie had the worst idea of all.

How about princess little piddles?

I said what everyone was thinking.

How about princess Fluffy vomit?

Right, Millie?

Is that what you're going for?

You're gonna ruin this chinchilla's life.

Then we all voted.

And somehow "princess little piddles" was

the name the class picked!

Millie gets her way.

I kind of want her to name me now.

On to campaign strategy...
we've got to up our game.

I can make another poster...
maybe I dot the "I" in "Jimmy"

with a check mark? It's a little wild,

but it just might work.

(Chuckles) That's a good...

That's actually a really good...
- Yeah.

No, no posters... print is dead.

We've got TVs in the classroom.

We need a commercial.

The only thing standing
between us and a Millie-ocracy

is Jimmy Jr.'s dumb pretty face.

Ow.

That's the new knife, huh?

Yeah, it's so responsive.

It's, like, connected to my brain.

I think "chop", and it chops.

Yeah, I got a hammer like that.

Us guys and our tools.

- Chop.
- (Falsetto): Right away, Bob.

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

I think we got enough onions, Bob.

Do I tell you or that car
payment you're holding?

You can tell us both. (Sighs)

It's a McLecklin, my hammer.

You know that brand, Bob? McLecklin?

I don't know hammer brands, Teddy.

They're the best... they're
like the Meryl Streep of hammers.

Ah, look at that slice.

Uh, I'm not crying because of the onions,

I'm crying because it's beautiful.

And it's so thin, I could
actually use it as a tissue.

Ow, ow, that's a bad idea.

I made a video of my hammer pounding nails.

I put a Natalie merchant song under it.

Dedicated it to my dad.

Yeah, but your hammer and my knife...

(chuckling): It's not
really the same thing.

Want to read some of the comments, Bobby?

Uh, I don't... no.

This guy... he says, "nailed it!"

(Laughs)

Oh, the Internet.

Before we begin, we have a message

from one of the candidates
for student body president.

(Students groan)

Settle down, it's not Henry Haber.

♪ I'm Jimmy Jr. Pesto ♪

♪ You know I am the best-o ♪

♪ I'm cooler than the rest-o ♪

He wrote the hot-guy manifesto?

♪ We wish we were Jimmy Jr. Pesto ♪

Key change!

♪ I'm Jimmy Jr. Pesto ♪

♪ You know me from the vest-o ♪

♪ And I'm on a quest-o ♪

To be the president-o?

♪ You wish you were Jimmy Jr. Pesto. ♪

Let's do this!

(Screams)

Oh, barf.

I want to slap that kid.

I know, right? Oh...

I'm Tammy with Wagstaff school news.

Our top story... did a
super lame ad take Jimmy Jr.

From front runner to dumb bummer? (Buzzing)

We got reactions.

I felt like I was covered
in something gross,

and I wanted to burn my eyeballs.

Basically.

I wouldn't braid his hair with your hands.

What a (Bleep). Sorry.

We pooped the bed!

This station is biased.

I'm sure most people liked it.

This just in... Millie's
gained 30 points on Jimmy Jr.

Oh, man.

Okay, a little setback.

Manageable.

Now we know what not to do,

so we go hard the other way.

Hang on, kids, we're going negative.

Gene: It's 3:00 p.m. at
Wagstaff, (Phone rings)

And a telephone is ringing.

The bake sale is out of snicker-doodles.

Maybe that doesn't sound like a big deal,

but it is because some
people really like them.

Who do you want answering the call?

A fourth grader with multiple tardies

and multiple screws loose?

Millie... too dangerous for the bake sale,

too dangerous for Wagstaff.

Vote for Jimmy Jr. maybe.

That was mean. Now I know
who I'm voting for, for sure.

Our big brother is mean?

Is that what we're gonna turn into?

I won't let you.

I'm turning!

Leave before I hurt you!

Oh, boy.

Tammy: I'm here in the studio

with Millie, the victim of a
vicious Jimmy Jr. attack ad.

Girl, how you holding up?

(Sighs) I'm okay.

I'm strong.

I-I have to be strong.

For Wagstaff.

You know what, negativity always backfires.

Jocelyn does it all the time,
and it's lame, and she's lame.

Not to be negative. This
is a great interview.

You know, you're really good at this.

I know, I know I am.

I want to endorse you... can I do that?

Mr. grant is shaking his head "no,"

but I'm doing it.

And I'm getting a new poll.

Oh, my God, you're winning!

Louise, what's going on?

I'm supposed to be ahead.

It's under control.

Tammy just handed us the answer.

Negativity backfires.

Which means it also, uh, "front fires."

Change of strategy.

Posters, on it.

Everybody like bubble letters?

I don't know, they're pretty flashy.

No, we go hard negative against Jimmy Jr.

Huh? What?

Try to keep up, pretty boy.

Wait, what?

Millie gets blamed.

See, it's foolproof.

I'm figuring this crap out, people.

I'm feeling pretty confident now!

(Groans nervously)

Lin, I just cut a grain
of rice into six pieces.

Come look.
- No!

- Teddy, look at what
my Fukinawa and I did.

- Can't, Bob.

I brought my McLecklin in so I
can finish off this birdhouse.

Wait, what? You can't do that here.

We're two guys with tools
we love, making it happen.

Teddy, stop... you don't
compare a stupid hammer

to a Fukinawa knife.

Stupid hammer?

- And your birdhouse.
- Oh, here we go.

Oh, I understand.

I understand that your
weeny grapefruit knife

isn't half the tool my McLecklin is.

Not half! Take that back, Teddy.

I'm not going to. You
know what, we'll settle it.

- Okay, you're on.
- How do we do that?

I don't know, it's probably impossible.

Ugh, you men competing
over your little toys.

The only way I'm gonna care
about this is if I get involved.

Oh, I got it! Knife-hammer olympics

I got to plan the opening ceremonies.

Gene: Wagstaff has questions for Jimmy Jr.

Why does he dance all the time?

What's he hiding?

Does he have to go?

Why doesn't he stop dancing and just go?

Tell Jimmy Jr. to go
to the bathroom already.

By the way, here's his fifth grade picture.

It's terrible!

Paid for by students of
Wagstaff of America for change.

I'm down by 70 points?

No one blamed Millie.

Why won't people just think
what we want them to think?!

You turned Jimmy Jr. From hero to zero!

It's not supposed to go that way!

You took something beautiful,
and tore it to pieces.

I don't even want to
hang out with him anymore!

No, Zeke! No! No!

I'm sorry, Jay-ju!

She wrecked you!

(Crying): Oh, God.

Okay, we double down!

We go after Jimmy Jr. harder.

Nothing's off limits...

the lisp, the weird brothers, dating Tina.

I quit, Louise.

Right, right. Take a break. Okay.

Break's over. Back to work!

Millie said if I dropped out,

she'd let me pick songs at dances.

It's all I wanted anyway.

After all I've done!

Good-bye, Louise!

Ha-ha! (Gasps)

Ready to wear my button, Louise?

Never!

Uh, Henry, hi, uh, hey!

Meet your new campaign manager.

First off, let's ditch those glasses.

Uh, no, thanks.

I've seen what your help can do.

But we've got to stop Millie
from becoming president, Henry!

Then maybe you should run yourself.

You can manage your own campaign.

The combination of you and
you should be unstoppable.

Pretty sure you're being
sarcastic, but you know what?

That's a great idea!

Louise for president, everybody!

Two more ears! Two more ears!

I don't know Louis. Do you really think

You can beat Millie?
- Yes. I'm way behind, but I've got

core grassroots support
from friends and family.

And are you wearing a
freaking Millie button?!

Well, you've been the one
acting crazy lately, not Millie!

Because she's making me act crazy!

That's how good she is!

At least gene is loyal.

And it has nothing to do with
Millie being out of buttons!

Nothing!

Millie: Oh, Louise.

You're so obsessed with me. I mean,

I run for president, you run for president.

Millie, I know you only
want to be president

so you can control people.

Control me!

This election is about Wagstaff.

Let's take the U and the I out of it.

Oh, look, now it spells "lose".

That was in Louise's name
all along and we never saw it!

This is fun. Do "Tina".

Just wait for the debate, Millie.

I'm gonna pin you to the mat.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

(Whispering): And speaking of pins, Millie,

get any more in or not yet?

Here is how it works.

The knife and the hammer
will perform a series

of parallel tasks designed
to determine the biggest tool.

Better tool.

Bob, you will slice ten tomatoes

while Teddy pounds ten
nails into a board. Go!

- Going pretty fast over here,
- Teddy. Listen to that tone, Bob!

- That's McLecklin, baby!
- Fukinawa's in charge!

- Don't hit your thumb!
- Don't cut off your pinky!

- Done!
- Done!

- Tie!

Round two. Switch stations.

Bob, pry up Teddy's nails.

Teddy, nail Bob's tomatoes
back together and go!

Nail tomatoes?

All right, I took a shot.

It took you a day to think of this?

Frond: The next question

is to Louise.

What makes you best qualified

to be president?

It's pretty simple.

I'm not Millie.

People, Millie doesn't

even want to be president.

She just wants to be in my business.

Live in my head

and attach herself

like a conjoined twin.

Growing out of my side one leg,

one arm, and a head on my head.

Good answer. Thank you.

Uh, okay.

Millie, you have the floor.

You've heard my platform.

I would like to add that

I would increase the budget

for student counseling

so that Louise can get the help

she clearly needs.

The help that I need?! That's like...

I'm also for longer recesses,

a besties system,

and bigger desserts!

Yeah!

Wait. Back up. "A besties system"?

I'm moderating, Louise!

"A besties system"?

"Besties"... it stands
for "buddying-up everyone

with someone to improve
the experience of school."

That's elegant. She's
really good at that stuff.

School's hard. No one should have

to go through it alone.

With an assigned bestie,
you'll have someone

to do homework with,

someone to sit with at lunch.

Someone who knows all your thoughts,

who can finish your sentences! (Laughs)

Here we go! What do you want to bet

Millie assigns herself as my bestie, huh?

Besties will be assigned
alphabetically by first name.

Hey, Zane! You and me, bro!

Huh. Well, who does that put together?

Oh, Louise and Millie. What a surprise!

See, people?

Millie's obsessed!

It's me now.

But tomorrow it might be you!

Or you! Probably not you,

boy sucking on watch.

Oh, Louise, you need a bestie so bad!

Aw, someone give Louise a bestie!

She's so sad.

And that concludes our debate.

I think we know who won.

No questions for me? Seriously?

Oh, didn't see you up there, Henry.

After-debate
hug-shake!

(Groaning)

(Shushing) You'll like being my bestie.

(Whispering): You'll have no choice!

So, after five rounds, we're dead even.

And we accidentally nailed
the board to the counter.

That was bad. Who knew nails were so long?

Hmm. Sorry.

But it gives me an idea for the next event.

Who can make a hole in
the counter first? Go!

Oh, we're really gonna regret this!

I'll fix it later... With my hammer!

No, you won't! You'll never
fix anything with that!

- Yes, I will!
- I'll come back later.

Linda: Bye, Mort!

Hey, kid! Yeah, kid!

You, yeah! Hey, come on, vote for me!

Come on, help a candidate out.

Oh, gross, she's still running.

Don't make eye contact, just keep walking.

I saw you, Jocelyn!

Keep walking, keep walking.

I'm a human being! Look at me!

I'll vote for you, Louise.

Thanks, Andy.

I'm Ollie! Forget it!

Which one am I?

(Groans)

I'm gonna lose.

Oh!

"Follow the braid,

check the files,

what you find

will make you smile."

Maybe someone who wears braids.

Snoop dogg? Follow Snoop Dogg.

I already do.

Mostly retweets and recipes.

(Louise gasps) Braids! Abby!

But how does she figure into this?

Frond (Over intercom):
Attention... all students

to the gymnasium.

Voting for Mill... president

will begin in 15 minutes.

We've got to sneak into frond's office,

and see what he's got on Abby.

Okay, good luck. I have to go

vote for Millie, bye. No, Tina!

I need your help.

I need an extra pair of hands.

You messed up the campaign.

You wouldn't listen to me.

Yes, but party loyalty?

We're both registered belchers.

(Sighs) I am a belcher.

Yay, us! The farty party!

Quick, we'll dig through his files

until we find something!

And we'll dig through his zen garden

until we find enlightenment.

Or a clam.

Look at the size of this file.

That's Abby's?

No, it's yours.

Here's Abby's.

Oh, my God!

This changes everything!

We've got to get down
there before the vote.

What are you doing in my office?

What are you doing in your office?

I came up to get a little rubber thing

for my finger to count votes with so...

I don't have to explain myself!

It's my office!

Oh, we were just leaving.

Get comfortable. You're not going anywhere.

Who-who touched my zen garden?!

It's gonna take me all
afternoon to re-zen that thing.

- Please let us go, Mr. Frond!
- No. Frankly, Louise,

your behavior lately
has been extra erratic.

You need some counseling.

Gosh, Mr. Frond, you're right.

I think I might be on the
verge of a breakthrough.

- Oh, good.
- Breakthrough!

(All yelling)

Damn you for making me run!

We got to wrap this up, Lin. I mean,

it's not great for business.

We totally screwed up the counter.

And nothing's settled. If anything,

we've raised more questions.

I'm gonna say we're still even.

And there's only one thing left.

Knife against hammer!

Hammer against knife!

Metal against metal!

No way. We're-we're done.

A tie is good.

Yeah, Bob loves his knife.

I'd hate to destroy it.

My knife was made with hammers, Teddy.

Hammering would actually
make it stronger, so...

Whatever you want to tell yourself.

I get to go first!

Five second rounds. Go!

Fukinawa, go!

Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop!

Ding! Hammer time!

Mcleckli

die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

Aah! It's not getting stronger!

Fukinawa!

Teddy, you can stop! It's dead.

We got a winner!

Let me see that thing.

God, I really want a McLecklin.

Ah, good, we're not too late.

Everyone, before you vote,

I have something to say to Millie!

And I want you all to hear it!

Just give up, Louise! I have.

I just want to say to Millie

early congratulations, and you know what?

I think being a bestie will be fun.

Wha-what have you done with Louise?

Oh, by the way, I won't be your bestie.

I'll be Abby's.
- Sorry?

Oh, you didn't know?
Abby's real name is Mabel.

"Mabel" comes between
"Louise" and "Millie."

Your alphabetical rule.

Wait a minute... Abby is Mabel?

Abby's actually a nickname for Mabel, but

no one knows that, so I guess...

I'm not talking to you, Abby!

Oh, okay. Mabel, you still into braiding?

Want to take a whack at this mop?

Do you like French braids or a fishtail?

Hey, you're my bestie, you decide!

Yeah, well, whatever, we still
might end up being besties.

Except we won't. I'll be Abby's.

I mean Mabel's. Whatever.

Whatever. But hey, we can
talk later. Let's vote.

Yeah, let's vote. But
let's talk now for a minute.

Because we will be besties, Louise!

Yeah. But no. Look, it's your rule.

Well, when I'm president, I'll
change the stupid rule, okay?

The new rule will make us besties!

And if it doesn't, I'll change it again!

And I'll change it again!
Because you will be my bestie!

And if I have to get rid of
Abby or Mabel or whoever, I will!

Careful, that's a five-strand braid.

Took me all morning!

Millie!

And... scene! Um...

If elected, I'll-I'll
start an improv club.

Let's do one more. Okay.

Someone throw out a-an, uh, occupation...

And an animal?

I heard fireman?

And pig?

Did somebody say pig?

I think Millie just lost.

Impossible... the only losers

in improv are the audience.

Wait, do we still like her?

We don't, right? She's gross, right?

Millie is disqualified for attacking Abby.

Louise, you were second in the poll.

You're going to be president!

Whew, head rush!

I'm already a little drunk with power!

Louise is disqualified for
breaking into my office.

Oh. So we're out of candidates.

No president this year.

Uh... (Clears his throat)

Oh, wait, Henry Haber.

Congratulations, Henry Haber.

Hi. Uh, today my vote really counted.

In my country, before
the coup, I was president.

You are so freaking lucky, Henry Haber!

(Laughs) Luck.

Is that what you want to call it?

Uh, yeah.

I guess I was just lucky when I figured out

that to get rid of Jimmy Jr.,

I had to lure Millie into the race.

And I guess I was just lucky when I knew

that she would pull you
in on the Jimmy Jr. side,

and that you would tank his campaign.

How could you know that?

A chinchilla named princess
little piddles told me.

What?

My younger brother Hogarth

saw the whole thing.

That name didn't have a chance

till you went overboard dumping on it

because it was Millie's idea.

And all the kids felt bad for her.

Millie makes you completely irrational.

I'm not irrational.

She just drives me totally insane!

Then I had to take care of Millie.

So I got you to run.

Then I helped you take her down in a way

that also took you down.

We were pawns?

I believe you mean "prawns".

You can't be that smart.

Chess I can.

Wow. Brains and brawn...

Is what I would say if
you had the brawn part.

How can you play with
people's lives like that?

Who the hell do you think
you are, Henry Haber?

You're gonna be an amazing president.

I was an amazing president.

What happened? Mmm... coup.

♪ doctors have come ♪

♪ From distant cities ♪

♪ Just to see me ♪

♪ Stand over my bed ♪

♪ Is believing ♪

♪ What they're seeing ♪

♪ They say I must be
one of the wonders ♪

♪ Of God's own creation ♪

♪ And as far as they
can see they can offer ♪

♪ No explanation. ♪