Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Can't Buy Me Math - full transcript

TINA: (sighs)
Another D on a math test.

And if I don't get
at least a B on the next one,

I've got to go to remedial math.
(groans)

Remedial math, huh? On your first day in
there, steal the biggest kid's pencil.

Yeah, and then sharpen it
and give it back.

What'll I tell
my grandchildren?

I used to be bad at math.
Oh, Grandma.

I'm not going to remedial math,
because I'm going to get a tutor

who will teach me
what my teacher could not.

I don't know why we're
getting yelled at.

You know what's
this weekend, Bobby?



Valentine's Day.
Oh, crap.

I-I mean, I-I don't
mean crap, Lin.

I-I know you love
Valentine's Day,

I just feel like I never
get it quite right.

No, you do not.
No, you're horrible at it.

Well, I mean, a couple times,
I got you something nice.

Remember I got the oil change?
Right.

For the car?
Right, yeah.

That was for you.
You did that, that was nice.

Yeah. This year, you don't have to
worry, 'cause I got it all figured out.

♪ Ta-da! ♪

Wow. What is it?

It's a Valentine's
Advent calendar.

This year we're doing
Valentine's Days.



Valentine's Days?

Say good-bye to the pressure of
being super-romantic on one day,

and say hello to being
somewhat-romantic

for a bunch of days leading
up to the big V. Yeah!

LINDA: Behind each little door is a romantic
activity that I've already thought of.

Oh, you planned stuff.
That's right!

Huh, all right, uh,
that sounds better.

Right? Open up
day one, Bobby.

Come on, (stammers)
l-let me open it.

No. Teddy, get off it!
Come on, let me open it.

Teddy, Teddy, give it...
Just let me open it, you can open up

the other days.
Teddy, let it go.

Okay, uh...
"Sexy cooking."

Sexy cooking... I knew it.
Yeah.

I don't exactly know
what that means,

but if it means I'm not gonna screw
up Valentine's Day, then I am in.

I love it. We're in.

DARRYL: Rosa. Rosa, Rosa.

- Darryl! - Huh?! What?
- I need your help...

could you tutor me at math?
- Not taking on new clients.

All my post-tutoring, pre-video-game
free time is going to robotics.

I'm building a companion robot
for my grandpa.

It gives him pills
and plays jazz.

But if I don't get help,
I've got to go to remedial math.

Ooh, that's tough. Good luck.

Wait, what about tutoring me
on Saturday?

I'm not going to the Valentine's
Day dance, so maybe...

And you assume because I'm
a nerd, I'm not going, either?

What? Oh, I'm sorry, I assumed you weren't
going for a totally different reason.

Yeah, I'm not going.
(gasps)

That's it... double nerd.

Huh? Come with me,
we got to talk in private.

I'll tutor you if you'll be my
date to the Valentine's dance.

Oh, Darryl, I'm flattered, but I'm
semi-involved with someone... Jimmy Jr.

He's semi-not-involved with me right
now, but we're working through it.

No, I don't really want
to go to the dance with you.

I want to go with Rosa Batista.
Then why don't you ask Rosa?

I can't... she's out of my league.
I'm in seventh grade, she's in eighth.

I think she still sees me as the little boy
that peed down the slide in second grade.

Oh, that was you?
I heard it was off a swing.

(sighs) Some of it may
have gotten on the swing.

But listen, do you remember
who won Cupid's Couple

at last year's seventh-eighth
grade Valentine's dance?

Um, Michael Carlish
and Tracy Schwartz, right?

DARRYL: And after they broke up, seventh-grade
Michael Carlish started dating eighth-grade...

BOTH:
Jenny Testa.

Whoever wins Cupid's Couple can date
anyone they want when they break up.

If we fake-date, we could win.
And then if we fake break-up,

I could date Rosa, and
you could date Jimmy Jr.

Hmm, but why would students vote
you and me to be Cupid's Couple?

Because of the
double-nerd angle.

I'm not a nerd.
You kind of are.

I'm not.
We'll be too adorable to lose.

A negative times a
negative is a positive.

That can't be right.
We'll cover that in tutoring.

So, do we have a deal?

Uh...

Feels kind of wrong
to mess with love.

Jimmy Jr.

We'd have to be careful. I've seen
enough romantic comedies to know

you're probably gonna fall for me.
I won't fall for you.

Okay, it's just that you're probably
gonna fall for me. Don't. I won't.

Good, fight that feeling.
I won't need to.

Okay, fake boyfriend,
let's fake do this.

(Darryl anxious sigh)

Your hand is sweaty
like a forehead.

I know.
It's an issue.

Oh, my God, are you
two a couple now?

You do the math.
No.

Um, yeah, we are.

Well, nibble
my dibble.

How long have y'all
been going out?

A month.
Since today.

Uh, since today, but earlier.
(chuckles)

I never really thought
about either of you that much,

but you guys make
a cute couple.

Yeah, it's like neither of you are
cute, but together you're cute.

We're both humans
who wear glasses!

Whoa, volume,
Darryl.

Yeah, man, we're right here.
You all right, buddy?

Darryl, sweetie, will you
come with me for a sec

and check my hair
for lice?

Mmm-okay.
We'll be right back.

Ah, I'm losing so much water out of
my palms! I'll be dead by morning!

Pull it together, Darryl!
Maybe I was wrong about this.

I don't know
how to be a boyfriend.

You haven't dated anyone. And I've
only dated two-and-a-half boys,

but I've thought about boys
and relationships a lot. Mm-hmm.

Like, a lot.
Uh-huh.

I mean, a lot.
Okay.

So, how about this?
You'll be my math tutor,

and I'll be your boyfriend tutor.
Okay.

Like, if you don't know what to say,
just give me a tiny side-hug.

Uh...? Um, oh, God. Okay,
um, not like that.

Ah...? Decent hug, but do
it silently next time.

Good news, neither of us have lice.
So, hello again, everyone.

Aw, you guys look
so cute together.

Thanks, Rosa.
You're welcome.

(chuckles)

B-Bye.

B-Bye. Oh, bye.
Bye.

Are Darryl and Tina
holding hands?

Tina hasn't pined after
Darryl for one second.

And that girl
can pine.

Hey, Lin, can you take this
to table four?

Aah! What the hell was that?
Sexy cooking.

Oh, okay, right.

She got ya!
Whipped cream.

Sexy, right?
Very. Teddy.

Uh, now's not really
the best time, Lin.

Come here.
It's the lunch rush.

Come on, come on. Also, can you
take that burger to table four?

I could, or you can
try and find

the strawberry I've hidden
somewhere on my body.

Wh-What are you
talking about?

♪ Find the strawberry ♪

♪ Strawberry trail ♪

Mmm, no.
♪ Yeah. ♪

I don't know.
Not right now.

Wait, is that it, right there?
In your apron pocket?

Mm-hmm. So it's in there.
Yeah, come and get it.

Well, it's all dirty now, 'cause it's
in your apron with a dirty dishrag.

So dirty. Hurry up,
it's getting all mushy.

Well, I don't
really want to now,

it has a dishrag on it.
Sure you do.

I really don't. I don't want that one.
You know you want to.

No.
Open up...

Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Open up.

No.
Fine, I'll take a nibble.

Mmm.
(gags)

Lin, you're gagging.

(groans)

Tina, hey, back
from tutoring, I see.

Have a seat, my sister.
Sure.

So, Darryl, boyfriend, you, girlfriend?
Mm-hmm.

Really?
Really.

Okay, you broke me! Darryl and
I are pretending we're dating

so we can win Cupid's
Couple at the dance,

and then we can go out with whoever
we want, and I stay in normal math.

I knew math was responsible!
Please don't tell.

If anyone knows we're
faking, then we won't win.

Right. Bribe, please.
(sighs) Okay.

Well, the winners of Cupid's Couple
get a $50 frozen yogurt gift card.

I guess you guys can
have that if we win.

Shh... You had me at "gets a
$50 frozen yogurt gift card."

Now, a boyfriend should always
give his girlfriend compliments.

Like, you could tell me I did a great job
of opening my locker on the first try.

I should compliment you on that?
Especially that.

My locker has a mind of its own,
which I respect,

but also sometimes
I just need to get my books.

Uh, okay. Hey, great job
opening your locker

on the first try, Tina.
Oh, thanks.

Whoa, that is some sweet talk.
I know, right?

It's so cute how their glasses
reflect off each other.

Yeah, like two mirrors
that go on forever.

Infinite stuff
trips me out!

TINA: Oh, no, there's a
spider on your back.

Ew! Get it off!
Get it off!

No, it's not real, it's my hand.

It's a cute game we play,
it's our thing.

But I hate spiders,
could it be a beetle?

Sure. Oh, no. There's a
beetle on your back.

(chuckles)

Aw! Bugs are, like,
the new hugs.

Cupid sure hit that couple
right in the rump, huh?

It's the romance
of the century!

And it has nothing
to do with yogurt.

I'm having a really good
time with you tonight.

I don't think
everyone heard you.

You got to yell over the music.
Oh, right.

(louder): I'm having a really
good time with you tonight.

Oh, man, look at Chloe and Zack slow dance.
They are so slow!

TINA: Wow, they're barely moving.
How do we compete with that?

We cannot let them win
Cupid's Couple.

Hold on,
I got a good idea.

Hey, who's having
a great Valentine's Day?

(shouting in affirmation)

Well, I'm having a greater time,

because I'm here with the number
one girlfriend in the world.

Ti-na Bel-cher!

Hi.

Aw, I want someone to stretch
out my name like that.

Joce-lynn...!

Deejay, slow-jam me.

♪ Girl I wish you were ♪

♪ In all my classes ♪

♪ And when we kiss ♪

♪ We hit our glasses ♪

♪ Now let's slow dance ♪

♪ Like mol... asses... ♪

Thank you, good night!

Aw...

Wow, Darryl, where did
that come from?

Girlfriends like surprises.
You taught me that.

Hey, you know what might push
us over the top right now?

A kiss. Great idea.
Let's make this look real.

(whooping, applause)

Wow, who knew Darryl was
total boyfriend material?

I know. I didn't know, but
now I know, you know?

We're gonna win
this thing.

We should probably
kiss one more time.

Just in case someone was tying
their shoes and missed it.

Right, good thinking.

(Darryl moans)

So are you ready to see what we
got for actual Valentine's Day?

I don't know
if I am ready.

It's, uh, it's been
a rough week.

Yeah.
We've had some misfires.

And an actual fire, yeah.
Yeah.

Ooh, "Bubble Bath"!

Well, it's hard
to mess up a bubble bath.

And Gene and Louise are
asleep, so that sounds good.

Oh, Bobby.

Oh, hello, there.

Get in here, you.
It's nice and bubbly.

Yeah, there's
a lot of bubbles.

Yeah, I used the whole bottle.

You used the whole bottle? You're
supposed to use, like, a teaspoon.

It's, like, toxic.
No.

All right, fine,
fine, it's fine.

It's just a lot of bubbles.
Come on, it's fun.

It's like a paste in here.
Yeah, right?!

Feels like no water.
Look at that.

Oh. Let's just go with it.
Yeah.

But it stings.
Just ignore it.

Yeah, when it gets in
your eyes, it stings.

Ignore it.
Come on, look at me.

I'm just gonna get
out for a sec, Lin.

No... I got to wash my face off.

Gene! I thought you were asleep.
Ooh!

I thought I was, too.

But then my bladder
was, like, "Get up!"

(yawns) What's
going on in here?

Oh, God, no, Louise,
you got to get out.

I'm peeing, but after, I'm
gonna make a sandwich

and join Mom and
Dad in the tub.

Ooh, what kind
of sandwich?

N-No, Lin, no.

Well, now I got to pee.
Use the second toilet.

Mom, Dad, can you
get out for a second?

Do you pee in here?

Yeah.
You're kidding me.

Well, no.
I'm in it.

Well, I... that's why I'm asking you
to please get out for just a minute.

Couple three.

(light applause)

And couple four.

(applause)

All right, looks like the winner
of Cupid's Couple is...

Darryl and Tina!

Don't fly away,
because you get

a $50 gift card
to Fro-Yo-Momma.

We did it.
I know.

Girls are smiling at me.

The theorem's working.

Let's kiss one more time
to seal the deal.

We already won.

Where's Rosa?
I can't see Rosa.

And one more time,
for old time's sake.

All right, well, I...

Okay one more.

I guess...

Wait, that...
let's redo that one.

So, now what?
You and Darryl break up?

And then Jimmy Jr.
comes running?

And Rosa
and my math scores,

according to Darryl's theory,
which is probably right,

since he's the smartest boy
I've ever dated.

Fake dated.
Right, right. Fake dated.

So, the breakup, is it
gonna be classy or nasty?

Definitely nasty. Want to know
how many holds will be barred?

Three?
None.

Wow, that is...
so few.

You ready to do this?

Maybe we should
practice more.

What if we break up
tomorrow or next month?

Nah, we got this.
Showtime.

For you, my sweets.

A gardenia?
My favorite flower?

Aah, that's it!
I can't take it anymore!

What do you mean?
You're just too kind and generous.

It's making me sick.
Oh, yeah?

Well, you're too damn interesting,
and it's driving me nuts.

What's going on here? Cupid's Couple
is having a quarrel and a half.

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

Your charisma
is overwhelming me!

Why can't you be un-charming
for one damn second?

I can't change
how incredible I am.

Just like you can't change
how phenomenal you are.

Then maybe we shouldn't date
each other anymore.

(crowd gasping) You mean break
up, effective immediately?

And date other people at this
and/or other schools?

It's our only choice! I wish I knew
how to tame you, you wild stallion!

Have a great life.
You too, soulful wonder lady.

Hey, Rosa,
sorry you had to see that.

Man, that was rough.

Are you okay, Darryl?
I'll be all right.

(voice breaking): Thanks for asking.
You're welcome.

That was so intense.

I thought they were going
to last forever and ever.

But instead they just imploded
right before our eyes.

So, Tina's single again?

Why do you want to know?

I-I don't care.

Jimmy Jr. likes Tina!

No, I don't.

LOUISE: Look at Rosa and Darryl.

That happened fast.
The kid's a genius.

Yeah, they're really hitting it
off, those two. Good for them.

Hey, Tina.
Hello, Jimmy Jr.

A bunch of us
are going bowling tonight,

and since you and Darryl
aren't a couple anymore,

I was wondering
if you want to come.

Bowling?
Did someone say nachos?

Um, I was kind of talking
to Tina.

This is just for older kids.

Tina is insisting that we go with
her and that she pay for us,

because we know so much
about bowling.

Some might say too much.

Wait, I don't get it.
How could you know

About...
too much about bowling?

We know too much about...

Bowling.
No.

It's something else.
Bowling.

Uh-huh.
So, I'm gonna take off.

Uh, well see you tonight.
JIMMY JR.: Yeah.

We know too much
about the Cupid's Couple thing.

Oh! Okay.
Yeah, you can come.

LINDA:
Look what's back.

No, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes.

Since the kids are out, and the bubble
bath was a little too bubbly for some,

we're gonna finish strong with...
No.

Striptease.
Oh.

Yeah. Ooh!
Yeah.

That could be fun.
I'd like that.

I'd like that, too.
See you strut your stuff.

Wait, me?
Yeah. Magic Mike me, baby.

(chuckles)
Lin, you don't want that.

Oh, but I do.

Really? Okay.

Then I'll do it.
Yeah! Do it.

But if I'm gonna do this,
I'm gonna really do it, Lin.

I'm gonna go all in.
Bobby!

If Bob Belcher strips,
he's gonna strip serious.

Like what? Like how?

Like crazy.
Like you've never seen,

like you wa...
you won't even want it.

Yeah!
After 20 seconds of my striptease,

you're gonna...
you'll want to leave.

(whoops) I'm gonna
go shave my chest

and pick out some music.
Let's do it!

Oh, maybe brush your teeth, too.
Oh, right.

Maybe floss. Okay.
Yes.

LOUISE:
On your marks,

get set, go.

Yeah!
MAN: Lane five, don't do that.

What, don't bowl?

Hm, feels like
there's a strike in here.

Huh. Those cheeks aren't leaving
me weak like they usually do.

(groans)

Hell, yeah! Boom shaka-laka!

That's my boy!
Get over here!

Come on. Get over here.
Ow.

Ow, ow, ow! Zeke, ow.

(laughter)

Oh, Darryl.

(growling)
ZEKE: Come on!

Come on! Ow, Zeke, ow!
That's too rough. Come on!

Rosa, don't move. There's a
huge beetle on your back.

Oh, no. Aah!
(laughter)

I love it when you do that.

That's-that's my favorite joke
thing that we do.

That's it!
Oh, I can't take it anymore!

Are you okay, Tina?

Yeah, your face does not look
exactly normal for a human.

No, I'm not okay!

Yeah, 'cause seriously, your
expression is like... (growls)

None of this is okay, okay? I'm tired
of lying. You need to know the truth.

Tina, what are you doing?

Oh, boy.
Everyone...

Darryl and I only pretended to be a couple,
so he could trick Rosa into dating him.

And he would tutor me in math, but we
didn't get around to much of that.

We lied to you,
and you all fell for it.

That's weird. I'm outta here.

Darryl, is this true?

Uh... Kind of?

Well, then I kind of never
want to see you again.

(Rosa grunting)
Rosa, come back!

Tina, what the hell
are you doing?

Um, I-I guess...

I guess...
You guess what?

I guess I fell for you.

(crowd gasping)

What?! But we were pretending!

Well, I wasn't. (groans)

What a tangle-assed web
we weave.

(pins crashing)

You fell for me? How? Why?

Because you did nice things
and said nice things,

and we had our special
side hug thing.

You told me
to do those things.

Well, can't you
just be that guy?

No, that guy
doesn't even exist.

But you fell for the Tina
I was when we were together.

No, I didn't.

Let's assume you did and
work backwards from there.

No, Tina, we don't even
like the same stuff.

Sure we do.

Do you like math?
No.

And video games?
No...

And comic books?
No.

And going to the science museum?
No...

You know who likes
all those things?

Who? Rosa! Rosa likes
all that stuff!

Oh, God,
you and Rosa should be together.

Yes, we should.

I broke up
a perfectly good relationship.

Yes, you did.

I need to get
you two back together.

Yes, you do.

Oh, boy. I hope I'm as good at
getting you guys back together

as I was at breaking you up.

Go, go, go, go, go!

LINDA:
You're taking forever in there.

You better not be using
all my baby oil.

BOB: Okay, I'm coming out. I
started to shave, but I stopped.

So don't look at my back.

Okay. Should I hit play, or...?

BOB: Not yet. (groans): Oh, G...
Oh, my God.

That's really tight. Okay now.

Now, go.
(whoops)

(music playing)
Party time.

Well, well, (panting) well.

Ha ha!
Did someone...

Just give me a second.
You all right?

All right, let me just come right back.
Okay.

All right, go, go...
Just stop the music for a second.

I'll be right back.
All right.

I'm gonna look away.
All right put it on.

I'm ready, I'm ready.
Here we go and play.

Hey, there, lady.

Did someone order take out,
or should I say take off?

Oh, yeah.
How do you like that? Mm.

(whoops)
Oh, you like it?

Yeah!
Well, it's just getting started.

Let's get it down and dirty.

Take it off, baby! (whoops)

Yeah!

(whooping)
Ha, ha!

How's this working for you?
'Cause this is my one move.

Give it to mama.
Let's orbit the Earth.

Let's orbit the Earth.

I like it. It's circular.
Round. I'm getting dizzy.

Yeah, yeah.
No, this is what I practiced.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Let's
go the other way.

Going counter-clockwise.

MAN (outside):
You're terrible!

Did you just hear something?
Nah, nah, keep going.

I think it's in the song.
Keep going.

DENNIS:
Put on some clothes, big boy!

Oh, my God.
The curtain's open.

What happened to your back?
Oh, God.

Nobody wants to see that.
(laughing)

Hey! I do!

Sorry. I was doing a striptease for my
wife for Valentine's Day, all right?

Valentine's Day was days ago.
Give it up.

All right, fine.
I'm closing the curtains.

Oh, no.
Crap. They're not closing.

I'm sorry, Bobby. This Valentine's
Days thing was a bad idea.

We just stink at it.

We stink.
No, no, Lin, you know what?

I said I was gonna do it,
so I'm gonna do it.

All right?
I'm gonna do it.

Yeah? Take a seat, Lin. I'm
going back on the table.

Do it! (laughs)
(whooping)

Ow!
(music resumes)

BOB: Orbit the Earth.
Orbit the Earth.

LINDA: Oh, Bobby,
spin me right round.

It's all coming off, baby!

Ass!

Rosa? Rosa? There you are.

It's okay you didn't say anything back
when I called your name all those times.

Look, Darryl lied about liking me,
but he didn't lie about liking you.

You gotta give him
another chance.

Why should I?

Because Darryl and I were
a great fake couple,

but you and Darryl can be
a great real couple.

And why would we be
a great real couple?

'Cause you're looking at me and you're
still blasting lizard guys like crazy.

They're not lizards. They're snakes.
And technically, they're actually

demons from the black castle.
Demons from the black castle.

Ugh! I came here
to get away from you.

An arcade might not be the best
place to get away from Darryl.

Rosa, will you
press two-players

with Darryl for one game
and see how it goes?

No. No way.
He tricked me into liking him.

No. I realize now the only people
that got tricked were me and Darryl.

You and Darryl?
I tricked myself into falling

for a version of Darryl that I created.
Then Darryl tricked himself

into being confident enough
to talk to you.

Ugh!
Leave me alone, all right?

Forget it, Tina; Rosa's back
to being out of my league.

Damn it, there are no leagues!

VOICE (over P.A.): League bowling will
now begin on lanes nine through 12.

Okay, except bowling leagues. But
there shouldn't be people leagues.

But there are, Tina;
That's just how it is.

You're the one who thought you were
out of Rosa's league. Not Rosa.

Why, because you peed on
the slide in second grade?

You're the only one
still holding onto that.

No, I totally remember.

Okay, so you and Jocelyn,
and I remember, too.

The point is, Darryl,
if you liked Rosa,

then you should have just gone
and talked to her.

Even if she remembered
the pee thing.

Could you just, um, stop bringing that up?
TINA: Right.

The pee thing?
Yes.

(sighs)
Rosa, I'm sorry.

I should have just told you
I liked you.

Yes, you should have. So will you
guys press two player already?

Are you crazy? I'm on the black castle level!
She's on the black castle level!

Oh. We said the same thing
at the same time.

You know there's
a hidden power-up on that level.

Nuh-uh. Really?

Want me to show you?
Yes.

GIRLS: Aw. They're like Mario and Luigi.
They're so in love.

Dang it, Tina's inspired me.

Jocelyn?
What?

Could you scooch out of the way?

I want to ask out
that shoe rental woman.

She's like 35, Zeke.

And she's wearing
a wedding ring.

So? No leagues.

I'm the only one holding me back,
because I think I'm too bow-legged.

But I'm not.
Just the right amount.

So let me waddle over here
and just ask her out right now.

Hey, baby!

Well, mission accomplished.

Absolutely.

Except that Jimmy Jr.
ran out on you.

And you're probably gonna fail
that math test.

No. I may have failed Jimmy Jr., but
I'm not going to fail the math test.

I'm gonna ace it.
Or at least get a B.

In which case I'll "bace" it.

Aw, nuts.
I "daced" it.

Remedial at love,
remedial at math.

Jimmy Jr., I didn't know
you were bad at math.

Yeah, real bad.
You want to be bad at math together?

Yeah, okay. Sure.
Yes.

♪ Girl... ♪

♪ I wish you were
in all my classes ♪

♪ Classes ♪

♪ And when we kiss ♪

♪ We hit our glasses ♪

♪ Glasses ♪

♪ Now let's slow dance ♪

♪ Like molasses ♪

♪ Molasses ♪

♪ Like
mo-oh-oh-la-a-a-a-a-a-asses. ♪

DARRYL:
Thank you, good night!