Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Late Afternoon in the Garden of Bob and Louise - full transcript

Niagara ketchup!

I don't get it.

Oh, like Niagara Falls,
but with ketchup?

No! Oh, yes.

Kids, stop.

You love Niagara ketchup!
Admit it!

You want to get in a barrel
and be part of it! BOB: No.

Dad, are you still
mad about the zester?

Yes, of course I'm mad.

You zested gum off Gene's shoe.

Yeah. It's called
being a good sister.



But now it's ruined.
You can never un-zest this.

Can't we get
another zester?

Not like this one.
It was perfect.

I had more zest for this zester
than I do for life.

It was simply
the zest. Ha, ha!

Too soon.

Yeah. Hey, Mike.

You got some bills,

and this one feels really weird

if you squeeze it.
Oh, my God!

A letter from
the community garden!

Please let it say I'm accepted.

Open it. Open it.
Open it. Open it!

"Dear Mr. Belcher, we regret
to inform you..." Damn it!



Aw!

Oh, they sent a
packet of seeds.

Consolation seeds.
I've been there.

Why would they
send those?

I don't know, Tina.
I guess to remind me

of the beautiful place
that exists

that I'll never get
to be a part of!

Like the boys locker room.

Or New York in the '90s!

Cheer up, Bobby.
We could get you

a little planter box
to hang from the window.

It's not the same, Lin.

It's not just about
growing a few things.

It's about
working the land,

growing produce for
the restaurant.

If we had a yard, I'd do
it there, but we don't.

Get off your high horse.

Why don't you grow
some alley pumpkins?

I want land!

I'm a gardener trapped in the
body of an urban restaurateur.

I have ground beef under my
fingernails, but it should be...

ground beef and dirt!

Ugh. Mike, I know you're
just the mailman,

but I can't help
thinking you did this.

Sure, blame me for this,
but you never thank me

for the letters I don't deliver.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

There must be something
I can do to get in.

You know what? I'm
gonna walk down there

and talk to the
garden master.

Oh, Cynthia? Good luck
with that piece of work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cynthia as in Logan's mom?

As in Logan, my archenemy?!
Yeah.

Tell her to tell Logan
he's a....

And his head looks like....

And his face sounds like....

He'll know what it means.

I, uh... I probably
won't do that, Louise.

Do you want me
to write it down then?

Um, yeah, go ahead.

You know, do what
you got to do, Bobby.

If you have to sleep
with her to get in, it's okay.

I don't like her,
but whatever it takes.

Way ahead of
you, Lin.

It's so... perfect.

Can I help you?

Oh. Hi, Cynthia.
Oh.

So, um, uh,
it's been a while

since we were all
in my restaurant

with all those bikers. With
all of those dirty bikers

your daughter hired to cut off my
son's ears. And that baby was born.

Weird day!
Right!

But we don't... we don't
have to reminisce about that.

Wait. Does that have
anything to do

with me not getting
accepted to the garden?

Oh, of course not!

Bygones.

Well, my application
was rejected again,

and I was wondering
if maybe I filled it out wrong.

I did make a few jokes.

Like where it asked,
"What are your hobbies?"

I wrote, "Beets me!"

Get it? Spelled B-E-E-T.

Ugh!
Logan!

It was an accident! Gah!

It's hot!
He probably likes it!

Ugh, sorry, Bob.
He's not...

We're working on it.

No, no, he's a... he's a great kid.

No, he's not,
but he will be.

I'm trying to get him into this
college prep summer program,

but he doesn't have enough
extracurricular activities.

Like, uh, volunteering?

Volunteering.
Everyone's doing that.

You can't throw a rock

without hitting a kid
volunteering at a hospice.

Oh, I hate those kids
who volunteer at hospices.

The newest thing is crappy
jobs that build character.

You want to stand out, you
write an essay about that.

Oh. What qualifies
as a crappy job?

I don't know. Like sweeping
stuff or mopping something.

You know, just some dead-end
job in a horrible place.

I know a dead-end job
in a horrible place!

Say hello to

the newest member
of the community garden!

Hello.
All right!

Congrats, Dad.

You did it, you old
son of a bitch!

And say hello
to our newest employee!

Logan?

No! Dad!
Uh-huh.

Uh-uh.
Uh-huh!

Uh-uh!
Uh-huh!

Uh-uh!
Uh-huh!

Uh-uh!
Uh-uh!

Uh, uh, uh!
Uh, uh, uh!

See? You two are already
enjoying working together.

Okay, you got me. It's a joke.

You'd never really hire Logan.

It's just
temporary, Louise.

Logan's mom was nice
enough to find me a plot

at the community
garden, because...

Because he gave me
this crappy job.

It's not crappy.
Don't-don't say that.

But if your mom asks,
it's-it's crappy.

Wait. You're paying
this butt brain?

My butt does have brains.

They're called turds,
and they're smarter than you.

No, it's an
unpaid internship.

Finally, we're getting a little
more sausage at this party.

Yes, Gene.

This is a terrible idea, Dad.

You've taken the only good thing
about this restaurant...

its lack of Logan-
and you added Logan!

That is not appropriate
for the workplace.

You are not appropriate
for the workplace!

You're not appropriate
for your face!

I bet when you
reconnect in your 30s,

you guys will get married.

Bob, if they're gonna
just fight the whole time,

he's not gonna
be much help.

Just let them get
it out of their system.

It's almost like
they're playing.

I'm okay with him.

I can pick his brain
about mid-teen boys.

Find out what tickles
their pits.

That's a great attitude, Tina.

Louise, can I see you
in the kitchen real fast?

Louise, I really, really
want this garden.

Plus, it will be good
for all of us.

We're gonna grow fresh
produce for the restaurant.

Doesn't that sound great?
Dad, I'm nine.

I spit out vegetables
and hide them around the house.

Louise, please, can you at least
try and get along with Logan?

Just for a little
while? Do it for me?

Fine.
Great! Thanks.

But the first time
he even...

Okay, I'm off to the garden!
Is that my sun hat?

Uh, yeah. Can I borrow it?

I guess, but you look
like a British lady.

I know. Thanks. Bye.

Oh, my dirt.

My sweet, sweet, sweet dirt.

Hello, trowel.
You're gonna be digging.

Hello, shears.

You're gonna be trimming.

I was so smart to buy you guys
five years ago.

Everyone said,
"You don't have a garden.

Why are you buying
gardening equipment?"

And I said, "I'll grow into it."

Trowel? Right?

Uh, sorry.
I-I didn't see...

I thought I was alone.

Okay, Logan,
fellow employee,

this is the spot I've chosen

for you to stand in
for the rest of the day.

It's out of the way, we won't
have to smell or hear you,

and when it's time
to punch out, there's the door.

Oh, you're gonna
smell me.

Smell it.
Take in the aroma.

High five.

Wow, that was hard!

I never knew high-fiving was
so violent and satisfying!

My hand is a man now!

Your hand is a bro.

It is?
Let's bro again.

Ow! Oh, yeah.

Gene!
What?

Everyone getting along
out there?

You know it, Linda. I'm in
the mile- high-five club.

Sounds great. Maybe I
wasn't clear, Logan.

You stand in your spot,
face the wall, silently,

till it's time to go home,
and everything will be fine.

The way I see it, as long as
your dad wants his garden,

I can do whatever I feel like.

What? Yeah. Maybe
I'll go back to this.

Oh, somebody order
a cup of cheese?

'Cause that's what
it smells like.

Come on, Logan.

Let's-let's go
in the back,

and I'll show you how
to wash the dishes.

Uh, we-we can dish
about the washing.

So, uh, what do high
school boys talk about?

Follow-up question.

Do you talk about it in the
shower after you do sports?

Additional
follow-up question.

How hot is the water?
Does it produce steam?

I'm asking for a friend.

Yeah, that's classified,

top-secret guy stuff, so...

Right, right,
right, right.

And towels- how
small are they?

Like washcloth size?

Uh...
Smaller?

I'll start folding this.
You say when.

Huh? Huh?
Mm. Uh.

Huh?
Ah...

Like, what... I can't
even fold it more.

Hey, Mom, how you doing?

Good. So, are we really sure
this Logan thing is worth it?

I mean, Dad's a family member,

but he's ranked, like,
fourth or fifth.

Louise, it's
not that bad.

Plus, your father
needs this.

And you owe him one.

You de-zested
his zester.

Let him have the garden.

Sometimes you just got to be
around people you don't like.

Oh, look at this place.

Oh, God, it's her.

Oh, it's even more depressing

than I remembered.

How dare she.

Oh, hi, Linda.

I'm just here to help
Logan with his essay.

Don't mind me.

Oh, I won't, Cynthia.

What were you saying, Mother?

: Something about
people you don't like?

Just pretend like I'm not here.

Oh, but could I just get
a chamomile tea?

I'm sorry, we
don't have that.

Oh. Okay. Well, then just
bring me some hot water.

And a lemon
and some chamomile tea.

Oh, right, you don't have that.

That's just... so weird.

Anyway, hot water and lemon
would be great.

Fine.

Ew. Sticky.

Logan? Logan!

What?! I'm starting your essay
we're gonna say you wrote!

Come out here
and sweep something

so I can write about it!

Well, good night.

Good night. Okay, Bob,
I'm just gonna say it.

I know you love that garden,

but now Cynthia's hanging out
at the restaurant, ordering tea.

Hi. If I could
just jump in here,

I don't know if I can
take Logan much longer

before I slap
that mess.

Yeah, how long is
this gonna last, Bob?

Uh, probably just
until Logan gets

into that summer program thing,
and then we're home free.

Rolling in arugula.

So just try and ignore
Cynthia and Logan.

Start slapping
faces, got it.

No! No slapping.
Just ignoring.

Fine. But just so you know,
I got this guy and this guy,

and they're ready
to go to work.

Look at you. It's only been
a few days, and you're so big!

: We know. And soon,
you'll be ready to get eaten.

: What?
Nothing. I didn't say anything.

I for... I forgot you could
understand me, spoke English.

I'm gonna tickle you now.
Huh? Huh?

Oh, stop! Stop!

* Tomatoes and sweet peas
and green beans *

* It's a dream come true *

* I wanna take
her stupid neck *

* And wring it *

* That's what I want to do,
too, but with him *

* The only thing greener than
these plants is my thumb *

* How did we ever get stuck
with these bums? *

* The restaurans now
a crappy place *

* I think
I found my happy place *

* I'm like a British Lady
in my garden *

* And my plants agree *

Mm-hmm!

* He's the most annoying person
that was ever born *

* Oh, God,
she brought her own tea *

* I'm the world's
greatest farmer *

* Things are growing so well *

* We're living
in our own personal hell *

* The restaurant's now
a crappy place *

* I think I found my happy *

* The restaurant's now a crappy,
crappy, crappy, crappy *

* Happy, happy, happy, happy *

* Place. *

Ooh, windy in here, huh?

Stop it!

Ew! Something should close
the door, huh? Stop it!

High school age boys-
they're a handful.

Handful of this.

Gene!
Sorry.

"These simple people were
doing the best they could

"with what little
they had in their sad,

underperforming
restaurant"?

Hey, don't read that!

"Simple people"?

It's just an expression.

It's for the essay.

You know what, Cynthia?

Nope. Do it for Bobby,
do it for Bobby.

Uh-oh, we got
a low-pressure system

moving in from the north
and a warm front

moving in from the south.

Stink-a-cane!

Son of a bitch!
Take shelter!

Is "slop shop" one word or two?

You know what you should write
about? A very violent event

involving your computer
and a simple lady who snapped!

Kids, get a mop!

You're about to clean
Cynthia's laptop off the floor!

Oh, yeah. Let's do this!

Hands, time to get slappy.

Wha...?

Hi everyone.
How are things... going?

Interesting
but scary.

Everything's
going great!

I was just about
to proofread

Cynthia's essay
with my foot.

And I was just gonna
use my hands

to make a Logan face sandwich.

Okay, uh, good.

Cynthia, hello. Logan, hey.

So, uh, you know,
a few bumps in the road

are to be expected.

This is more
than a few bumps, Bob.

This was a bad idea.
Kiss your garden good-bye.

Logan, we're leaving!

Good!
Great!

Bye.
Whoa, whoa, w-wait, wait.

Where are you going?
Yeah, Dad. Don't.

Let them go. I'll, uh...
I'll handle this.

Look, I-I'm sure
we can figure this out.

Is-is there anything
I can do to fix this?

I-I will do anything
to make this work.

I love your son.

Look at Dad. He's really
laying into them.

Maybe I should go out
there and hold him back.

Nah, I don't think so.

Aw, big papa bear Bobby

looking out for his
cubs. You get 'em.

I'm just glad this
nightmare on Logan Street is over.

There's got to be something we
can do that will make you happy,

make me happy,
make your essay happy.

All right, Bob.
You told them off.

Good job.
Yeah, well, uh...

Did you hear someone yelling,
"Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em"?

That was me.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Good.

I thought you were gonna
keep taking that doofus's side,

then I saw you out there,
and damn it

if you didn't make me proud.

Uh, okay. Um, a little
news to share, everyone.

Uh, a-after a lot of
consideration,

I've decided
to make Logan...

employee
of the month.

What?!
Bob!

Wow. He hasn't even
been here a week. Good for him.

N-Now, hear me out.
Louise...

Ow, ow.
You're hurting me.

Ow, ow!
Aw, Bob.

Oh, my kidneys.

You're so small, but
you're so strong.

Him or me, Dad!

It's for the greater
good, Louise.

Okay. I see. All right.

Oh, thank God.

I quit!

Damn it, I thought
the glass would break.

Anyway, I quit!

The glass didn't break.
High five!

Great, Bobby.
Great job!

So Louise can quit?

Quitting is an option?
I want to quit.

It would be fun
to quit if I didn't

love this job
so gosh darn much.

Nobody's quitting.
Louise didn't quit.

She's just going
on a sabbatical.

Great. I'll do that.

No, only one sabbatical
a year, Gene.

And I'm taking
mine next.
Mm.

This is not a big deal.
I'm gonna go talk to Louise.

Louise? Sweetheart?

Sweet Pea?

I know I don't call you that,
but maybe we should

start calling you that.
I'll do that.

- Sweet Pea, how you doing in there?
- Perfect!

Louise, making Logan
employee of the month

doesn't mean anything.

I know it doesn't, because
we've never done it before.

Hey, I have a great idea.
What if we make you

employee of the month
next month?

I mean, Tina, technically should

really be next; She works
so much harder than you.

Never mind. We'll make
an exception for you.

But Tina will be crushed.

Sounds super, super great!
Can't wait, Dad!

Okay, good.
So, good talk, right?

Aw, the best.
Good first step.

Uh, thanks for participating.

Love you... Cutie Pie?

Ugh.
Sorry.

I'll think of a better one
than Cutie Pie.

You're my Angel Dust.

Sorry, that's a drug.

I'm gonna go. Bye.

Louise. When are
you coming down?

Mom has a stain
on her apron.

You're missing so much.
How'd you get this number?

Mom writes it
on my leg every morning

in case I get lost.

Oops. I better sweep this up.

Keep talking about
whatever you're talking about.

It doesn't have to be about
your changing bodies,

but it could be. Go.

So are you coming down or what?
I miss you!

Oh I'll see you soon, Gene.

But you won't see me.

If Dad won't fire Logan,
oh, I'm gonna make Logan

wish Dad would've
never hired him.

Okay, bye.

Oh, my God. Today was
supposed to be overcast.

No, it's a beautiful day.
Shorts weather.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

What, Bob? I-I didn't
cover my beans.

You didn't cover your beans?
It was supposed to be overcast!

They're gonna die!
Aah! I got to save the beans!

Go! Damn it, Bob,
you're frickin' nuts.

Go! I'll be back
in five minutes!

Hey Scotty. Jacob. What's up?

You liking
those fries, brah?

On me, my friends.

I do whatever

I want around here.

'Cause I'm employee
of the month, so...

Ow! What the...
Who did that?

Hey. Damn it.

Just spitballin' here.

Linda, I just need
one photo of him

with this employee of the month
plaque in the restaurant.

And maybe a few of him
taking out the trash.

Eh, why don't I take out
the trash instead?

Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup.
I-I'm taking the photo.

Dup, dup, dup, dup.
No, you don't.

Bob and I have a deal.
Deal with this, honey.

Oh, my face!
Ow, my face!

Okay, we're good.
You guys are good, right?

: Thanks, Bob.
We were hot and scared.

- Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
- : Tell us a joke.

No, I-I... I got to get back.

Please? Just one?

All right, just one.

A kid's playing in a sandbox
and he finds a welding mask.

No, wait, there...
that's not the end.

- It's more.
- : Oh.

Okay, a kid's
playing in a sandbox.

Who's hitting me
with spitballs?!

Invisible
spitball ninja.

Logan, you got something
on your face right there.

Stop it!
Oh, and also right there.

Louise, I know it's you.

Where are you?

I'm in
your mind, Logan.

There's a lot of
room in here.

Oh, I'm gonna find you.

And I'm gonna get you.

And I'm gonna...

My uvula!

Employee of the mouth!

Linda, control
your daughter!

Ow! Hey!
Ha, ha.

Good news. The green beans
are doing all right.

Oh, you and that garden.

You smell like dirt
and fresh air.

And it makes me sick!
Ow!

Your daughter's gone nuts,
by the way.

She's in the crawlspace
shooting spitballs at everybody.

- Louise, get out of there.
- No!

Not until you fire Logan.

Ow! Hey.

Louise, you come out of there
right now.

I don't want to do this,
but you're not gonna be the next

employee of the month;
You're gonna be the last

employee of the month,
even after Gene! Sorry, Gene.

Sorry for what?
I wasn't listening.

And I'm not gonna fire Logan;
I'm keeping the garden,

and you're gonna
deal with it, Louise,

because it's good for all of us.

And not to bring up
the zester again,

but the zester. You owe me.

And let me tell you something.

Spending time in the garden
has helped me

realize a few things.
We need to go

outside more, okay?

Why don't we go on walks?
As a whole society?

People should
go out on walks!

And people should garden!

Bob? I hate
to interrupt your flow.

Great speech though,
great speech.

Yeah, it really
got going after a while.

Uh, Dad?
Yes?

We're not going on walks,
are we?

I don't know. Maybe.
Anyway,

while you were talking
to the wall, Louise snuck in

and took off
with your gardening shears.

What? Yeah. She looked
ready to use them, too.

I wonder on what.

What could it beans?

Oh, my God, my garden!

Louise, just stop, okay?
I get it, you're mad.

Also, I'm getting a cramp.

Oh, no! Better stop
and stretch it out!

Louise, you're literally
running with scissors.

Really big scissors.

I know, it feels great!

Oh, good, it's closed.

Louise, it's over!

Come on, let's go home.

Oh, crap.

Ow. God, how small are you?

Say good-bye
to your crappy crops.

Ha! Don't have to.

You don't know which plot
is mine, Louise.

Is it the one
with the paper plate sign

that says Bob's Beauties?

No.

No, no, no, no. You... Louise,
you don't have to do this!

You didn't
have to hire Logan either.

Louise, please.
Those are my babies.

What? These.
These are your babies?

Yes. Those are... Oh.

Yeah.
Why did I... say that

in front of my actual baby?

Yeah!

Right. Yeah, so maybe this whole

garden thing
was a little selfish.

Yeah, I noticed
how the greater good

meant doing the thing
you like to do.

You're right.
You know what?

Do it. Cut them.
Cut them down.

What? Really?
Yeah, do it.

I deserve it.
I can't watch.

I can't. It's not their fault.

That's right.
It's my fault.

So I'm gonna cut you.
What?

Just kidding.

I know.

Look, I'm sorry I hired Logan.

I-I know how much
you don't like him.

Yeah, I'm pretty open
about that, Dad.

Plus, I mean,
the restaurant is our place.

And I like it that way.

I know you do. I mean,

sort of.
I had a suspicion.

But you do
hide it pretty well.

Thank you. I'm sorry
I put my sweet peas

before my Sweet Pea.

Is that nickname thing
working at all now? No.

Can you
forgive me anyway?

Under one condition.

You're fired!
What?

She can't fire me.
Right?

Of course she can't.

Yeah, I think she just did.

Louise is actually our
human resources person now.

And I'm executive
vice president of new business!

Oh, man, I've just
been bussing tables.

Logan, if you need
a recommendation, here's one:

Put a bag on your face.

I'll put a bag
on your face.

Okay, hon, I'm gonna have
security walk you out now.

No.
Well, I hope you enjoyed

your last trip
to the garden, Bob.

Because it was
your last trip.

I know. That's why I dug up all
my plants and brought them home.

And I used your wheelbarrow.
My...

You're not allowed
to use that.

It already happened.

There's nothing
you can do about it.

And I broke
the lock on your gate.

Which I will replace.

Which is what you should do
with your eggplant.

It looks leggy.

Logan, let's go.
You're all nuts.

Uh-huh, so if you want
to shoot me your e-mail,

I can just send you the rest
of my boy questions.

Absolutely not.

"Absolutely not"
at what .com?

Bye, Cynthia.

I spilled water
on your laptop.

Aw, she didn't hear me.
She'll figure it out.

Looking a little cramped.

Yeah, we probably should've
just planted one.

Oh, no!
Oh, God!

* Tomatoes and sweet peas
and green beans *

* It's a dream come true *

* I want to take
her stupid neck and ring it *

* That's what I want
to do, too, but with him *

* The only thing greener
than these plants is my thumb *

LINDA and LOUISE:
* How did we ever get *

* Stuck with these bums? *

* The restaurant's now
a crappy place *

* I think I found
my happy place *

* I'm like a British lady
in my garden, and my... *