Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - L'il Hard Dad - full transcript

Bob becomes obsessed with his new automatic helicopter. When it falls apart for no reason, he enters into a battle with the manufacturer in order to receive a refund. Gene assists Bob in his quest, but things quickly get out of hand and end in a crazy helicopter battle. Meanwhile, Louise and Linda help Tina prepare for her oral book report.

Got to read,
got to read, got to read,

got to read, got to read,
got to read,

got to read, got to read.

Wow, I feel
the exact opposite way.

Why are you saying that?

Book report.
I wrote the due date

on my arm so I would remember,
then every day since then,

I've taken a shower
like an idiot.

When's it due?
Tomorrow.

Ah!
What page are you on?

The cover.
(screaming)



Call of the Wild?

Is it about
an insane telemarketer?

Or Gene in the bathroom?
I don't know yet.

Hey, kids.

Oh, Bob, this package
came for you earlier

when you were putting
out that grease fire.

See, that's why I hate school.

We miss all the grease fires.

Huh, I wasn't
expecting anything.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

(chuckles)
I-I remember ordering this.

What the hell is that?

I bought a remote
control version

of the helicopter from
the movie True Lies,



complete with a
clutching Arnold Schwarzenegger

and dangling Jamie Lee Curtis.

Hmm. Oh. Hmm.

Huh.
What a beaut.

Were you drunk shopping?
No.

I call it "nighttime shopping,

with wine."

I bid on an auction
and, uh, yeah, helicopter.

Mm-hmm.

Fly, you bastard, fly!

Hold on, Jamie Lee, I gotcha.

I'll save you from Tia Carrera,
I think.

I forget the scene.

Hey, when does Mama get a turn?

I want to save Jamie Lee.

Lin, I just started.

And I think
I'm really good at this.

This could be,
like, my new thing.

Dad, you don't want to be,
like, too cool.

Hello, boots.

Hanging like you do every day.

Give it.
Geez, Lin.

All right, let me just
bring it in for a landing.

You can't pull off
that look, buddy.

It's not you.

Gentle, gentle, and...

kiss the ground.

(all groan) What the hell?

How did that happen?
I landed it perfectly.

(squeaking)

(humming)

T-T-Ti...

Well, it had a good run. Of one.

That thing is a piece of crap.
I'm getting my money back.

T-Ti-Tina...

Well, maybe it's okay. See?

Oh, no, it's dead.

Squi-Squi-Squirrel.
♪ I'm reading ♪

♪ I'm reading ♪
BOB: Oh, Tina. Tina! Tina!

(grunts) Ah. Thanks, Dad.

I hate getting hit
on the head by boots.

Uh, you're welcome, Tina.
Should we throw them back up?

I kind of feel bad.

They've been there for so long.

(grunts) Look out, Tina!

I just... froze.

"And following
a skillful landing,

"it broke into a million pieces.

Please issue me a full refund
of $45 plus shipping."

And send.
That thing was 45 bucks?

Plus shipping.
Which was...

also 45 bucks.
The hell?

Ugh! What's wrong with me?

I just watched everything
happen!

The squirrel, the boots!
And I did nothing!

(altering voice): Hey,
let's all be quiet so Tina can read.

(normally): Who said that?
Face it.

I'm not heroic like Arnold
Schwarzenegger in True Lies!

I'm not even Tom
Arnold in True Lies!

Or even in Roseanne!

Come on, Gene.
Don't worry about it.

That was just part
of being a dad.

You'll have those
instincts someday.

But what if I never
get those instincts?

Maybe I'll just grow up to
be a very handsome coward!

Dad, you saved Tina!

You're a heroic man of action.
I can learn from you.

Gene, I-I think you're blowing
this out of proportion.

Though I did react with
a certain amount of grace

under pressure.
What the hell?! (computer chimes)

"Sorry, I don't give refunds
for crash landings"?!

"Heliflopter"?!
All right, new plan.

His number's on the Web site.
I'm calling this guy.

He's doing it!
He's man-of-actioning.

Which I call "mactioning."

Hello? Is this Sheldon Felds?
This is Bob.

GENE: That's it, Dad.
Give it to him.

No, not Bob the crash-lander.
It kissed the ground, Sheldon.

Kissed it. Maybe I should've
just bought it

from The Hobby Hole.
A real store.

Hobby Hole!

Well, how about I just
come on down

and demand my money back? Yeah,

your address is
right on the package.

So see you soon, Sheldon!

Oh, and, also,
your handwriting is...

not very good!
Nice one, Dad.

Bob, don't you think maybe
you should just let this go?

You know how you get.
You start saying

"It's the principle" over and over.
It's the principle of it, Lin,

the principle.
Yep, there it is.

Wait, how did you know
I was gonna say that?

I've never said that.
Right. Yeah. Right.

It's the principle
of the thing, sir.

It's the principle!

Prin... ci... ple!

Oh, well, it is the principle.

And someone's got to stand
up for what's right!

Things are pretty loud,
so I'm just gonna put

my fingers in my ears.
Whoa, that's waxy!

Am I shouting?!

I'm going over there.
(sighs)

I'm going, too!
No, you're not, Gene.

It's a school night.

This is my school now, Mom,

the School of Hard Dads!

So just call me Li'l Hard Dad!
Yeah!

But, no, not that.
But, yes, he should come!

If Gene wants to learn
to be a man of action,

this is taking action!

Okay.
Bye.

Come on, Gene.
Let's go get our refund!

Refund road trip!

I forgot my keys!

Yeah, he did!
Deal with it!

Deal with it!
Yeah!

Look at us, just a boy and his
dad, driving to get a refund.

Ooh, I got chills just saying it.
Well, Gene, it's...

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Don't talk yet.

I want to sample what you say
and play it over and over

until I've got heroic instincts

coming out of every orifice
of my body.

Okay. Uh, it's not about being
a hero, Gene.

It's about doing what's right.

Papa, do preach!

And it is our duty,

to mankind, really,

to fight for justice.

Some people say you have
to learn to let things go.

Well, you know what happens
when you let things go?

What?! What happens?!

You drop the thing
you're holding, Gene.

And the thing I'm holding
in this situation

is this bag of crap.
Nice! Listen to this.

It's about doing what's right.

(fart sound effect)
Wow, I sound important.

Powerful.
Maybe take out the fart noise?

No. It kind of makes you go,
like, "Huh, good point"

and also, "Good fart."

Mom, Mom, look what I drew.

It's me when I'm grown up,

eating tacos
with my monkey Sheila.

Great, honey.
Yeah.

How's the reading coming, Tina?
Oh, good.

Really, really,
really good. Good.

Okay, fine! It's going terrible!
I'm a slow reader!

And then I get to a comma
and I'm like, "Oh, I guess

"they want me to pause,
but for how long? How do I know

when to stop pausing?!" I'm
never gonna finish this book!

Ah! And I'm gonna have to stand
up there with the whole class

staring at me and my armpits are gonna
sweat and my boobs are gonna sweat

and all the sweat's gonna meet
in the middle

and everyone's gonna know
I didn't read the book!

(grunts) Thank you.
Tina, Tina, honey, listen.

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, mm-kay?

I didn't read any of the books
I did reports on in school. What?

Oh, yeah,
I've never read the book.

Louise! What?
You never read the book.

Well, I mean, you should
read the book.

It's-it's better to read the
book. We never read the book.

How can you do a book report
if you haven't read the book?

You just got to give 'em
a little show. Pizzazz 'em

so they don't even notice
that you didn't you-know-what.

Pizzazz, that's up my alley.

I once did a presentation
on Catcher in the Rye

with only a catcher's mask
and a loaf of rye bread.

Now, that one I failed, 'cause
I didn't back-cover it.

Back-cover it? Oh, my God,
Mom, Let me slap her again.

No, it's okay.
Don't slap her again.

Tina's learning. See, Tina, you
can't judge a book by its cover,

but you can judge it by
its back cover. Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh... Wait, I don't get it.

All right, let me see.
Let me see here.

Dog named Buck, stolen
from his home,

forced to live as a sled dog

in the cold,
unforgiving Klondike region.

Oh, my gosh, I'm getting
so many ideas already!

Musical numbers, choreography...
Musical numbers?

Louise, you're on props
and costumes!

I'm on lyrics and dance steps!

Tina, go wash your face!
We got a show to do!

S. Felds. This is it.

Let's give him hell!
(over intercom): Hello?

Sheldon? It's Bob.
Go away.

Okay, bye.
No, Gene, come back.

Right, right.
Li'l Hard Dad.

We're not leaving, Sheldon.
Not until we get our money back

for this defective helicopter!

So do the right thing
and give us a refund.

Well put. Yep.
You don't get it, do you, Bob?

Sheldon Felds doesn't give
refunds to heliflopters

who crash on their first flight.

Stop calling me a heliflopter!

We don't care how
fun it is to say!

You see, I only sell those
novelty toys to make ends meet.

My real passion is customizing
serious RC choppers.

Well, what is that?

This is my quad.

I've made a few modifications

for... poking purposes.

(scoffs) That's dumb. Poke!

Hey! Ah! Tickle, tickle.

Tap, tap.
Missed me! Stop-stop that. Ah! Ah!

Hey, there's something
on your shirt. What?

Oop, got your nose! Quit it! Ah!

So, shall I continue
to masterfully poke you,

or do you want
to run along home?

The latter!
Good day, sir!

No, we're not going anywhere.
Okay then!

Suit yourself, Bob!

Wet Willy!
Ah!

How is that wet?!

LINDA: Oh, she looks great.

You look great, hon.
Maybe the best she's ever looked.

Give us a twirl.
See that tail?

Real construction paper.

Stunning.
Thank you.

Wag it a little honey, will you?

(grunting) Wag it, wag it.

Shake it, shake it.

That a girl.
All right,

so let the Call of the Wild
book report rehearsal begin!

Tina, here's the lyrics
for the opening number.

Go ahead and sing it!
Go on, girl.

Okay. Ring, ring.

(weakly):
♪ Who's this calling on the phone? ♪

♪ It's the Wild,
is anybody home? ♪

Great lyrics, Mom. I know.
But you got to belt it, honey.

Let your voice do the reading
that your eyes didn't do.

That makes total sense. Uh-huh.
So can you do it with vibrato?

Like this?
♪ Wild, wild! ♪

(flat): ♪ Wild... ♪

No, that's n... Okay.
You know what, try grabbing

the skin on your throat
and moving it around

while you sing like this.
♪ Na... ♪

Like this? ♪ Uh... ♪ No.

Let me try, let me try.
(vibrating sounds) (coughing)

Gentle! Gentle!
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

(groans) Maybe I should just
transfer to St. Mathews.

What? You think those nuns
won't make you do book reports?

People never stop making
you read books, Tina.

It's a sick world! You got to learn
how to faux-dazzle it. Trust me.

After tonight, you won't ever have to
read a book again. I love you, Mom.

BOB: So, Gene,
I know it seems like we're hiding

from Sheldon's helicopter
in a Dumpster...

GENE: Very much so.
...but we're actually

just r-regrouping. And now I
will calmly check outside...

Oh, thank God. It's gone.

I mean, regroup over.
Uh, we can get out now.

We don't have to get out on
my account. I'm in my element.

No, we are going to show
Sheldon that we're still here

and we'll never give up!
Whoa. Whoa. What's that?

Fish in the sky!
This was in Revelations!

Kirk Cameron was right!

You done hiding, Bob?!

We're not hiding, Sheldon!
We were regrouping!

And we still want our refund!

Uh-huh. Swim, my pets. Swim!

(chuckles) Your gently floating
fish don't scare me, Sheldon!

They're actually kind of pretty!
It's a lot like snorkeling,

which I've never done,
but I imagine I would love it!

Ow. Ow.

Dad!

You're shooting BBs at me!

Ow! That one hit me
in the nipple!

That's his good nipple!
My good nipple is bleeding!

Are we done here, Bob?!
You lose, I win! Also,

I have a couple frozen
pizzas in the oven,

so I'm ready to wrap this up.

No! We're not done!
We're not?

No! Two can play the game

of having a helicopter
that shoots stuff, Gene!

Two can play!
Wow, you sound really tough,

even though you're holding
your nipples.

This is war, Sheldon!

MAN: Welcome to The Hobby Hole.

I'm Terry, how can I help you?

Hi, uh, weird question.

Do you by any chance
have any RC helicopters

capable of actual warfare?

Uh, we don't have
anything like that, sir.

(whispering): Follow me.

Welcome to the world
of RC helicopter warfare.

BOTH: Whoa.
I was hoping that would get a "whoa."

We have to be pretty discreet
about our warfare showroom,

as you can imagine,
but neat-o, huh?

"Sky-sassin"?

That sounds brutal.

War is brutal.

Of course,
we advise you absolutely...

do not aim these at people.

Unless you hate them.
Oh.

Now, I need to know what kind of
element we're dealing with here.

Well, it's this guy who sold
me a helicopter online,

Sheldon Felds...

Oh.
What?

Oh, man.
What is it, Terry?

Just stay away
from Sheldon Felds.

Wait, you know him?

He used to work here.

He was fired.
Why?

Let's just say Sheldon ate
a lot of food

out of the fridge in the break
room that didn't belong to him

and was clearly labeled.

And when me and the rest
of the Hobby Hole guys decided

to gently approach him about it,
he attacked us with helicopters.

Hmm.
You see this?

One of Sheldon's BBs
got lodged in there.

And now I no longer feel
comfortable wearing shorts.

No!
Trust me.

You don't want to go
up against Sheldon.

Well, I am going up
against Sheldon.

He's on a whole other level.

But I've got
rightness on my side.

Oh, you've got rightness
on your side.

Okay, then you're good.
Really? You think so?

No, but I just realized...
why am I trying to stop you?

I make commission on these.

So let's get you all set up.

Behold the Vanquisher.

Whoa.

Yeah, she's expensive.

How expensive?
$300.

That's not much.

But with that missile range,

(chuckles) she's worth it.

$300?!

Of money?

It's not about the money, Gene,

it's about the principle.

Yeah, it's about the principle.

Terry, please.

Teach me how to fly it.

Huh, it's actually pretty,
uh, intuitive.

Yep, I probably don't need
to be holding you like this.

No, it helped.

You know, before I let you go...

good luck out there, buddy.
Thanks.

Okay, well, thanks
for coming in.

LINDA: There you go.

Mama's old tap shoes.
How do they feel?

A little loose, but, um,
why am I wearing these?

Because nothing's more
distracting than tap dancing.

When your toes are tapping,

they think the reading
must have happened.

Now, follow me!

And... a tap and a tap
and a tap-tap-tap.

And a tap and a tap and a...

And we're tapping
and we're spinning

and we're spinning
and we're tapping.

Hold on. So when...
And a shimmy tap, a shimmy tap.

Wait, hold on. We're
still spinning...

A scooby tap, a scooby tap.
Scoo-Scooby tap.

A wiggle tap, a jiggle tap.
Wait. What?

And a shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba.
(panting)

Scooba-dooba-doo, and no one's
even looking at you,

what you didn't do,
and a-scabba-dooba-scabba-dooba,

scabba-dooba-day.
Huh?

And the book report's over,
and you got yourself an "A"!

Ah, maybe B-minus, probably,
in my experience, you know.

Hey. How's the tappin'?

Great! She's like
a jazzy jackhammer!

Watch out, floor!
Oh, yeah.

So, I borrowed Teddy's
wheelbarrow,

and I made it look like a
dogsled, and the only thing is,

he said he wants
to be in your book report,

so I told him I'd pull some
strings, get him a small part,

and anyway, he's gonna meet you
at school tomorrow,

you can work it out then, okay?

Cool? Is that cool?
Very cool!

You could tap with a wheelbarrow
tied around you, right, hon?

Uh...

Got to get up higher somehow,

so I can see onto
his stupid balcony.

Oh!

I'll just climb up
on that roof! (laughs)

Uh... sure, that seems
like a good idea...

of something dangerous to do.

Gene, you stay down there.
Yup, no problem.

Ugh! You're back.

Yeah, I'm back, and I'm armed

with righteousness and this!

The Vanquisher. I see.

Yeah, go inside, Sheldon...

to get your checkbook!

Like her?

I call her the Vanquisherer.

I got it from The Hobby Hole.

And then I added the extra "er"

when I customized
the crap out of it.

Vanquisherer?
That's hard to say.

No, it's not. You just slow down
on the second "er."

Vanquisher-rer?

Look, the point is,
it vanquishes Vanquishers!

Well, not if I vanquish it
first!

Are you suggesting
an air battle?

Perfect! Air battle!

I'm gonna make
your precious helicopter look

like the piece of crap
True Lies one you sold me!

But first, can I shoot you
with a missile in your nipple?

I was really excited about it.

Let me think. No.
Air battle.

All right, fine!
On three. One...

Not to interrupt, but is this
the best way to solve this?

Just asking. Yes! Yes.

Two.
(whirring)

Aah, aah, aah.
Three!

I'm taking you down, Sheldon!
You're gonna regret

the day you... Oh, my God,
you just hit me. That was quick.

Time for the death blow!

Not the death blow!

Huh?
What? Terry?!

Me and the Hobby Hole boys
thought

you could use a little help.

We did inventory
and then we came right over!

Join the battle, brothers!

My favorite things
were eating lunch

and wearing shorts, Sheldon,

and you took it all away!

Now it's time to pay the price!

I didn't eat your delicious

roast beef
and cheddar sandwich, Terry!

But your chopper's
gonna eat this!

("Ride of the Valkyries" plays)

Aah.

Aah!

Aah!

RC net attack!

Aah!
This one's for Jamie Lee!

(yelling) (laughs, whoops)

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh! Oh, my.
Whoa!

No!

Dad, you're on a ledge!

Yeah, but we won the air battle!

Yeah! How's Sheldon's expression,
Gene? Is he sad?

Is he crying?
No, he's eating something,

and he's got a new helicopter,
and it's pointing at you.

Ow! And there's
a dart in your butt.

Father!

Everything's fine, Gene.
I've got everything

under control. Ow!
Gotcha!

Are you sure?!
Yup.

Ow! My butt!
Hoo!

Uh, Bob, should we get you
a ladder or something?

No, Terry!
Take down Sheldon!

Hobby Hole Boys,
give him everything you got!

(war cry)

What? Wait, Dad!
What about the ladder?!

That seems
like a pretty good idea.

I mean, you're on a ledge, and
you've got a butt full of darts!

Yes, but I also have a butt full of...
principles! Oh!

So, yeah,
you guys defeat Sheldon,

and I'll just work
on my upper-body strength,

do some pull-ups, and I'll be
out of here in no time.

I can't... do even one!

You're incredible, Bob.

Time for the... Sky-sassin.

Luckily, I have
my Sky-sassin-assin!

I'll go get it.

Well, I'll wait for you.

What is wrong
with you hobbyists?!

♪ Up here in the Klondike,
it can get pretty cold ♪

♪ The other dogs
are looking fierce ♪

♪ So it's time to get bold ♪

♪ But when life gets tough,
well, you just got to smile ♪

♪ And better answer that phone ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the call
of the wild! ♪

(whoops) Yes!

(whoops) That moved me.

So, yeah, you just do that.

And no one will even know
you didn't read it.

Or I could just do it.

Yeah, no, no, you should do it.
You should do it.

It's your thing. You do it.
Right, right, right.

Uh... Aah, aah! I can't!
I can't do it!

Aah! Aah! Aah!
No, no, no, you'll be fine.

Oh, yeah.
You just remember all the steps.

You got those.
Memorize all the lyrics.

Done. And don't mess it up.

Boom.
Uh! Okay!

I'm-I'm gonna go to bed.

Uh. Everything's gonna be fine.

Okay.
Uh. Good night!

Yeah, get your beauty sleep.

Oh, your wheelbarrow, hon.
You might want to... Aah!

Ah, she's fine.
She's got this.

We did good today,
Mom. We did good.

We did.
Yeah.

Hey, you want me to teach you

how to get out of
a speeding ticket? Yes!

Sky-sassin!

Destroy him, Terry,
and I didn't catch

all of your names,
but you guys destroy him, too!

Oh, that's Vance, and that's Will.
Hi. Hey.

Hey, Dad, remember this?

BOB: Some people say you have
to learn to let things go.

I know you don't agree with
them, but I'm starting to think

maybe some people are right.

Listen, here it is high-pitched
like a little girl.

(in high-pitched voice): Some people
say you have to learn to let things go.

Here it is super, super deep,
like a monster.

(in deep, distorted voice):
You have to learn to let things go.

Here it is with a beat under it.
(upbeat tune plays)

You have to learn
to let things go.

No matter how I play it back,
Keyboard Dad sounds

a lot smarter than
Hanging from the Building Dad!

I like the one with the beat.

I came here today
'cause I thought

I needed to learn
to be a heroic man of action.

But look at you.
You're all nuts!

Is anything worth all of this?
I mean, Terry,

I'm sorry you can't wear shorts.

I would be devastated myself,
but still!

Also, just go to a doctor!

Maybe sometimes
the more heroic thing is

to just let it the freak go!

Now, who's gonna be the bigger
man here, and just let it go?!

I-I don't need a refund.
I'll give you your refund.

No, I said it first.
I said it first!

I'm the bigger man.
No, I am!

Sheldon, I'm sorry we ganged up
on you about the food thing!

I'm sorry I ganged up
on all your food!

Well, I forgive you! Thank you.
Can I have my job back?

No, you can't.
It's not up to me.

Remember Roger? He's
in charge of it now.

Can you believe it?

Can someone just get
a ladder already?!

BOB: You know, Gene,
in your own way, you kind of ended up

saving the day today.
Oh, thank God you finally said it.

The whole car ride,
I was, like, "Do I say it?

No, he should be the one to
say it. I'm not gonna say it."

Well, I'm saying it, so, thanks.

Huh. Today started with me
wanting to learn from you,

but then you learned from me.

Does that make me
your dad now? No.

Do you want to switch for
a while? I could take Mondays.

Let's keep it like this for now.

Well, you're still my hero, Dad.
You're mine, too, Gene.

Now how about we go
inside and ice my butt?

I wonder how many other dads
are saying that

to their sons right now.
I bet a lot.

JOCELYN: And that's why

it truly was like
a tale of two cities.

But I feel like maybe next time,

focus on the tale
of just one city.

And maybe that city is
like a yogurt shop

where cool teens work.

I want to work there.
Thank you.

Okay, Jocelyn.
Tina, you're up.

Hi. Hi. Hi, everyone. Uh.

Good job, Jocelyn.
Thank you.

(clears her throat)

(sighs)

(weakly): Ring, ring, ring.

What did she just say?

It's the...
call of the... wild?

Aah! I can't take it!
I can't take it!

(yelling)

(kids gasp,
Tina continues yelling)

(grunting)

Wow. Tina.

That was, uh...
Did you all see that?

That was... Um, I...
I'm-I'm sorry.

...amazing.
Oh.

You just embodied
all the themes of the book.

Huh.
The primitivism,

Buck's return to his
savage nature. Yeah.

The sweating. Great job.

She was really good.
That was really good.

Well, I definitely read the book,
so, thank you. LINDA: Huh.

She changed some things,
but, uh, she still nailed it.

She totally nailed it.
So... say it, Bob.

No.
Say it.

(sighs) You win best
parent of the week.

Yes! Yes! Me!

I thought I won best
parent of the week!

Wait. How did you kids
get out of class?

Hey, don't worry about it.

(panting): Did I miss it?

Tina! Did I miss it?

LINDA:
And a shimmy tap, a shimmy tap.

A scooby tap, a scooby tap.

A shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba,
scooba-dooba-do,

and no one's even looking
at you, what you didn't do.

And a-scabba-dooba-scabba-doo.

Wiggle tap and jiggle tap.

A shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba,
scooba-dooba-do,

and no one's even looking
at you, what you didn't do.

And a-scabba-dooba,
scabba-dooba, scabba-dooba-day.

The book report's over,
and you got yourself an "A"!

Ah, maybe B-minus, probably,
in my experience.

Shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba,
shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba...