Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Christmas in the Car - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

* Hang the ball
and the ball goes over there *

* And this goes over there

* And da-da-da-da-da...

Oh, everybody,
look at the tree.

Aw, I love this tree.

It's the day after
Halloween, Lin.

Don't you think
we might have

gotten the tree
a little early?

Oh, put some mistletoe
on my butt and kiss it, Bobby.

Okay.
Yeah, Dad.



Stop ruining Halloween
by not celebrating Christmas.

Aw... bye, tree.

You had a good life.

That's how I want to go out,

dehydrated and covered
in tinsel.

Sounds like
a gay pride parade.

Mm-hmm.

Everybody, look at the tree.

Aw, I love our new tree.

Look.

It's the day after
Thanksgiving, Lin.

I'm not looking
at it till tomorrow.

It seems like just yesterday
it was Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God.



It's Christmas Eve
and our tree is dead.

What are we gonna do, Bobby?

I don't know, but we have to
get this out of the house;

It caught on fire twice.

I guess we're just not
going to have a tree

on Christmas this year.

What?!

Not-not-not-not-not
have a tree on...

on Christmas?!

Where are the presents
gonna go if there's no tree?

We want
a divorce!

Thank you, bye.

Everyone just
calm down, okay?

There is a tree lot
about an hour away.

And the guy said
we could have

the pick of the runts!
Right?

Lin, you want to
drive an hour away

and get
another tree?

What-what about our
Christmas Eve dinner?

I have a ham
in the oven.

You have to fart? No, Tina.

A real ham is
currently in our oven.

Just bring it.

Everyone loves rare ham. No, Gene.

Bob, put the oven on low.

We'll be back before you can say

Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen, and Nixon.

Well, we'd better
be back fast.

Tonight's the night we
finally catch Santa Claus.

We've been planning
this for months.

You're gonna
catch Santa?

Yup.
We built a Santa trap.

All right, but if you catch him,

he's your responsibility.

I'm not cleaning up
after Santa.

Hey, this is David Dazzle,

I'll be your pilot for tonight.

I'm playing all your
Christmas's favorites

and some songs no one likes.

Family road trip!

We're going to get
a Christmas tree, all right!

Again.
Oh, Bobby.

Stop being such
a lump of coal.

This is what the
holidays are all about.

We're together,

there's Christmas
music on the radio.

Oh, give me
the phone!

I want to request
"Jingle in the Jungle."

"Jingle in the Jungle"?

That sounds like
a terrible Christmas song.

Maybe you're not ready.

"Jingle in the Jungle"
pushes the limits.

Step on it, Dad!

We have a date
with a fat old man.

We're chubby chasers.
Tina, that's...

Don't say that, that's
not ni-nice to say.

Fat fetishists?
Kids, tickle your father.

He's being a big bah hum-booger!
Get him. No, don't...

Get him! Get him!
Don't tickle me now, I'm driving.

No, kids... * I'm gonna
tickle your mustache *

All right, kids, cut it out! *
I'm gonna tickle your mustache. *

I-I got armpits! Armpits!
Hey, hey, hey, I'm driving!

You don't tickle the driver! Oh!
You're not driving very well.

Whose hand is that?
I can't see.

I just want to use the
windshield wipers for a second.

- Lin, get the kids off me!
- It's Christmas!

Are these even Christmas trees?

Aw. They're
all so skinny

and sick-looking.

Can you turn that
one around, please?

Mom wants to see
its tree butt.

Everybody's got
their thing.

I'm more of
a branch man. Mmm.

Okay, well,
you guys decide

on which scrawny
tree to buy.

We're going
to go over there

and practice our Santa
containment strategies.

I assume he
knows jujitsu...

Uh, can I come?

Your mom's gonna be at least
another half hour here.

Uh, you're not part
of the plan, Dad.

Well, I could help.
I'm bigger than you.

Yeah, but you're weak.

Santa would drop you.

And that would kill me.

I could take Santa. Okay, Dad.

Hey, Tina,
thanks for

helping Louise
beat up Santa.

She really believes...

she can catch him.
Yeah.

It's so nice that
she still believes...

in this mission.

It's weird, right?

Isn't nine a little
old to, uh...

believe that?

To what...
Believe what?

That...
What... um...

In the mission? Okay.
Forget it.

Never mind.
Good talking to you.

Good talking
to you, Dad.

Finally, a truck
you're allowed to lick.

Gene!

Focus!

Okay, let's go
through this again.

We'll pretend
the Porta Potti is the tree

and Santa's on his way
to deliver presents.

Gene, you be Santa.

Phase one.

Santa passes
right by the kitchen

where he sees cookies!

These rocks are the cookies.

Num num num num num.

Phase two.
Santa finds a note

that says "Milk in the fridge."

I'm thirsty!

Phase three!

When he opens
the fridge

and grabs the glass
of milk... Bam!

His wrist is stuck
in a zip tie! Aah!

That's when
I jump out

and wrap myself
around his ankles.

Then Tina jumps on his back

and makes Kringle crumble.
Aah!

I'll gouge out his eyes

and pull on his beard!
Aah!

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

We want him
alive, T.

Sorry, I got carried away.

I'm glad we practiced.

Kids, help me out.

I can't see. Am I good?

Yeah, you're good.

You're very good.

I thought you said
I was good!

How could you
guys not see

that giant
candy cane truck?

We see it.
We just don't make

a big deal out of it.

Great, I'm not
getting traction.

I thought we were
gonna get snow tires.

That was gonna be my Christmas
present to you. Aw...

Because I wasn't expecting
to be out in the snow,

buying a Christmas tree
the night before Christmas.

Hey! Jackass!

We're having a Christmas
moment here, all right?

Lin, just stop.

Bob, let me
handle this.

* Jing-le bells

* Jing-le bells

* Jin-gle all the way

Lin. What?
I'm doing "Jingle Bells."

He's just
hearing honking.

Now, stop. Come on, kids.
Sing along!

* Jing-le bells

* Jing-le all the way
* Jingle all the bells

- Jingle, jingle, jingle.
- Ooh, there we go.

Everybody stop jingling.

How long does the normal
person stay on hold?

Four hours?
Oh, great.

This guy again. I guess
he's not in a hurry anymore.

Maybe the speed
limit is seven.

You know, I'm
gonna pass him.

You can't be serious.

Is he speeding up?

What's this guy's problem?

So...

you guys excited
to decorate the tree?

I don't know if
we should put

any ornaments
on it, Mom.

It looked pretty fragile. What?

Yeah,
somebody give that tree a sandwich!

And a bowl
of soup.

Oh, my God.

Aw, be nice to the tree.

It is December, Mom.

Shouldn't you be decorating

for the Fourth of July?

Stop speeding up!

Let me in!

Bob, who you
talking to?

Oh, my God!
That was close!

You almost drove
us right into

that snow
plow, Bobby!

Good thing you don't have

any children in the backseat.

It wasn't
my fault!

That trucker is driving
like a lunatic.

More like you are. No. It was him.

I just want to get
away from him.

Now he's right
on my ass.

This guy's trying
to kill us!

I'm gonna pull off the road
right there.

Yes!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna puke!

Huh...
is everybody okay?

I'm fine.
I'm great!

I didn't
pee my pants.

Good, Gene.
Why wasn't I scared?

Wait, that was
terrifying.

Now I have to pee!

Okay, uh....
just go pee outside. No!

It will freeze up and
go up inside my body!

What the hell was that, Bobby?

You trying to get us killed?

Me?
That trucker just

ran us off the road, Lin!

The pee is winning.
Gene, just hold it.

Okay, so every time
somebody tailgates you,

you drive off the road?

That wasn't tailgating,

that was intimidation!

By an adorable
candy cane truck.

Urination begins
in three, two...

Gene, Gene.

We'll take you to pee
in that diner.

Hurry up. We need to
get back on the road.

It might take a minute.

My bladder asked if my colon
could come out and play,

and my colon was like,
"Sure thing."

Oh, Bobby!

They make Dutch
Babies here!

Let's order one!

What's a Dutch Baby?

About $2,000 less

than an American baby?

No, it's their
world-famous

high-rise pancake.

It says it takes
25 minutes to make

We don't
have time.

I have a ham in
the oven, remember?

Just fart, Dad.
It's okay.

Tina, stop.

You almost
ran our family

off the road,
remember?

We're getting a
Dutch Baby for dessert.

We'll get it to go.
Dutch Baby, please.

But the ham
will dry out.

You could call Teddy.
He's got a spare key.

I bet you he'd
turn off the oven.

Sure thing, Bobby.

I was gonna watch church on TV
but I can just DVR it.

Well, we just need you
to turn off the oven.

That's all, Teddy.
Ooh. Uh...

I'm not really
much of a cook.

I don't spend a lot
of time in the kitchen.

As you probably know.

It's not hard, Teddy. You just
turn the knob... Whoa, whoa.

Slow down, Bob.
Let me get a pen.

You don't need a pen, Teddy.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You just need to turn
the knob to "off."

Turn the knob to...?
Go.

Off.
Off.

Okay.

O-F...

Oh, my God.
This thing's not working.

Why is it
you always...

you never have one
that works when you...

Hold on. Just go to our house

and turn off the oven! Okay.

Bob, did you get
my Christmas card?

Teddy, I gotta go.

Bobby, did you get the Christmas card?
Not yet. Can't wait.

Not everyone got 'em. Bye!

Oh, they got
a pecan pie.

Should we get a pie
while we wait?

Do I look different?
I feel different.

Whoo... ha...

Phone.
Gimme the phone.

Why? I want to get back on hold.

It's the only place

I know who I am anymore. Hmm.

Uh, excuse me,
Officer.

Hi.
Over here.

Uh, yes.

Um... I would like
to report a crime.

I was just run
off the road

by a truck shaped like
a giant candy cane.

Do you want to maybe
write that down

or call it in?

Hello?

Are you injured
in any way?

Um... no.

Was there any damage
to your vehicle?

No.

So, what, was
he mean to you?

A truck driver
was mean to you?

Oh, snap!
Louise, stop.

Why do they call
you "the fuzz"?

Is it because of your head? Gene.

Sorry, don't listen
to them, Officer.

But maybe
listen to me?

Because it doesn't seem
like you're doing that.

Sir, I am trying
to enjoy my Dutch Baby.

Looks good.

Listen, there's a very
dangerous man out there

driving around in
a huge candy cane.

I'm gonna need you to slide
back down into your booth.

Officer, you just
gotta listen to me!

Sorry about that.

Did you just hit
that waitress?

No.
Yes, you did.

I mean, yes, I did,
but it was a mistake.

Why would you hit
someone on Christmas?

It's 'cause this guy
wasn't listening to me.

Well, maybe if you slap
more waitresses,

I'll get right on it.
Fine.

Linda, kids.
We're leaving.

No more Dutch Babies!
No!

I think that's a good idea.
Let's go.

My Baby hasn't been
delivered yet.

Lin, come on!

Oh, look, it came out
in 22 minutes!

Oh, it's a preemie
just like Jesus.

Hello?

Anybody home?

I know there's not,
but I have manners.

Mmm. That ham smells good.

Wish my place smelled
this hammy.

Bob's really got it all.

Oh, it's just a dial.

Why did Bob make it
so complicated?

Hey, there's my Christmas card.

Bob didn't open it.

What's he waiting for,
actual Christmas?

Hello, cookies.
I'll accept a tip.

Tree or a reindeer?

Ah, they probably
taste the same.

Or maybe they don't.

Maybe I find out.
Who knows?

I need some milk. Mmm.

"The milk is in the fridge."
Okay.

"To reach milk,

place your hand through
Christmas wrist wreath."

That sounds fun.

Oh! Oh!

What's going on?!

Aah! Oh!

Oh, man!

Ooh, pickles.

Ah, hope you're happy, Bobby.

You almost got
this family arrested.

You know, the only reason

we're even driving around

on Christmas Eve, Lin,

is because you
bought a tree

on November 1!

Your negative attitude is
what probably killed our tree.

Both of you, shush!
We got to get home!

Santa's not gonna
kidnap himself.

It's the one thing
he can't do.

Oh, my God. Is that him?

It's the candy cane truck!

Oh, here we go.

Bob and his truck,
everybody.

Why is he in the
middle of the road?

Why is he coming so fast?

Bobby!

Bobby!

Oh, my God!

Bob, that candy cane truck is
trying to kill us!

That's what I've been saying!

We don't listen to you!

Oh, my Dutch Baby!

Get it out from under
the pedals, Lin!

You're mushing it, Bobby!
You're killing her!

So you believe me now?

Oh, I'm so sorry
I doubted you, Bobby.

I thought it was like
that time you said

you flushed
but I know you didn't.

I flushed.
I saw what I saw!

I still see it
when I close my eyes.

Look, we don't have
time for this.

We have to call the police.
Gene, give your mom the phone!

I can't. I'm on hold
with the radio station!

You've been on hold
with them this whole time?

"Jingle in the Jungle" is
an American classic.

You'll thank me
when you hear it.

Give her the phone!

The battery's dead!

Damn it, Gene!

All batteries die,

but this one truly lived.

Hang on, everybody!
Whoa!

What are you doing?!
I thought the car would

spin all the way around
like in the movies!

Oh, we can't shake this guy!
I'm gonna go down

that little road.

Bobby, do something.
He's coming back!

This guy's crazy!

I'll pull the car in there

and shut off the lights.

Maybe he won't see us
in the trees.

Everybody stay still
and be very quiet.

Can I just say one thing?

No, Gene.

I think I have
the best legs in the family.

And the smoothest bottom.

Okay, no more talking.

Mom? Dad?
Oh, my God.

I just wanted to let you know.

I was the one
who didn't flush.

It's okay, sweetheart.

That was impressive though.

It looked just
like your father's.

That's what I was going for.

Can everybody just
please stop talking?

Now I know

what the Von Trapps felt like.

Dad?
What?

Where do babies come from?

You all come from my vagina.

I knew it.

You owe me ten dollars, Tina.

Everybody stop.

He's right there.
He's right there.

- Can he see us?
- I don't know.

I think he's leaving.

He's gone. Yay!
All right. Yes!

Nobody is saying it
so I'll just say it.

I saved all of our lives.

Merry Christmas.

Come on, let's go home!

We're gonna...
time to do the tree.

Oh, no.

No! No! No!
What?

What happened?
What happened?

No, no, no, no, no!

We're stuck.

Nobody's saying it
so I'll just say it.

Dad ruined Christmas.

It's like a disco.

It's working!

Oh, God!

Aah!
Come on, come on, we can do it.

We couldn't do it.

I told you we should drive

a motorcycle
with four side cars.

Then we would never be
in this mess!

What are we gonna do, Bobby?

We got to get out of here.

I nominate Tina
to walk for help.

Just to be nominated
is an honor.

Don't worry.
We'll figure something out.

We're not missing Christmas.
I promise.

Hey look at that,
it's just past midnight.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas, Radio DJ.

Hey, no one's called in
for this one tonight,

but I'm playing it anyway.

Here's "Jingle in the Jungle."

Yay! Christmas miracle!

I wasn't expecting
so much bongo.

I like it.

You know what?
Who needs a nice cozy,

warm, comfortable home?

We can have our own Christmas
right here in the car.

Yeah, until it runs out of gas
and we freeze to death.

Yeah.

It's like we're
a family of cops,

staking out that bush.

That's a dumb place
to keep bowls.

And all was right with
the world, and... Ah!

Look what the wise men bought
from the auto parts store.

Let's all sing "Silent Night."

* Silent

* Night

* Holy...

Crap! Truck!

Bobby, we got
to get out of here!

It's still not working!

Okay, everybody just stay calm.

We're safe here in the car.

I have a plan... let's
all get out of the car

and run in different
directions.

He'll only catch
the slowest one.

Gene, you're the slowest one!

Aah! I'm the slowest one!

Kids, no, get back here!

Maybe it's a different
candy cane truck?

Oh, my God.
This is it. We're trapped.

Kids, get in the car now.
Lock the doors.

Oh, thank God.
Dad's on it.

The handler's got it
covered, guys!

Relax!

Bob, be careful.

Tell him you had asthma
when you were a boy.

And you have bad
night vision.

Listen, uh, sir.

Whatever it is you want,

we're just trying
to get home for Christmas.

Can we just talk this out?

Oh, you look like that.

Um, okay.

Uh, you seem like a
small, reasonable guy.

If this is about earlier,
I'm sorry I cut you off.

I don't want to point fingers,
but it was my kids' fault.

Yeah, Dad. Great.
For Christmas I really wanted

you to throw us under the bus.

Let's do this!
Me and you.

It's go time! Aah!

Just take my coat off.

N-No.
I'll fight him, punk!

Come on, punk!
Lin, stay in the car.

Listen, this is crazy.

I mean, why are you so angry?

Just because I cut you off?

You also kept honking at me.

Repeatedly.

It was "Jingle Bells."

You don't know "Jingle Bells"?

Put 'em up, snowflake.

Oh, we're gonna dance.

Are you shivering?

You should put
your jacket back on.

Oh, I-I... I'm fine.

Look, how about this?

My car is stuck in the snow.

If you can...

You're really shivering.

If you could
just help us pull it out

'cause you have a big truck...

I'm about to bang your ass

and you're asking me for help?

"Bang my ass"?

Yeah, bang your ass!

Okay, I mean, you mean... Okay.

I-I've never heard it
said that way.

What? Bang?
You mean, beat me up.

You know, I think I meant kick.

I'm pretty...
I think I meant kick.

It was like halfway out
of my mouth and I went,

"Ooh, that could be
taken the wrong way."

Come on! Let's go!
Let's go! Well, it...

All right, I-I... Look.

I'll tell you what,

if you pull our car
out of the snow,

I-I'll-I'll let you

punch me in the stomach.

Bobby! Psst.

You're gonna let
this guy hit you?

He's just a sad,
little guy, Lin.

I-I don't think
it's gonna hurt.

I'll just act
like it does.

Do your girl scream.
What girl scream?

I think she means
your regular scream.

And then do your girl walk.

Girl walk?
I don't have a girl walk.

Yeah, you do this like...

I don't do that.
Mmm, agree to disagree.

Look, I think this guy's having
a worse Christmas than us.

He seems like
he really needs this.

Aw, that's the holiday
spirit, Bobby.

So cold.

And crisp.

I guess I'm near the crisper.

I'm not gonna last
much longer...

Maybe I can get
to the knives on the counter.

I could cut my way out.

Teddy, you got to try.

Just pretend you're moving
a fridge for Bob.

So, Bobby,
you got a new fridge, huh?

What else is new with you?

Uh-oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no...

Now I'm gonna die looking
at Gene's finger painting.

What is that even
supposed to be?

So, do we have a deal?

I want to punch
your stupid face!

No, just the stomach.

How about I kick you
in the neck?

Look, you get one punch
to the stomach,

and then you get us out of here.

Fine, but I need
to borrow your jacket.

Look, let's just
get this over with.

Christmas is just
a really hard time for me.

I wish I was with my family.

Aw, he's not with his family.

Poor thing's all
alone on Christmas.

And then you cut me off,

and that was the last straw.

That's why I wanted
to bang your butt.

You... I thought we
agreed not to say that.

All right.

Listen, I-I-I'm sorry
I cut you off.

And I'm sorry you have
to work on Christmas.

That's rough.

Tell me about it.

I have to drive
through the night to get

from a Christmas Eve parade
to a Christmas Day parade.

Oh, that's an awful lot
of driving.

And a lot of information.

Sounds like you're having
a horrible Christmas.

Great, we've bonded, can I
lick your truck now? Yum.

Probably the crappiest
Christmas ever.

Guess you just needed someone
to take out your frustration on.

Exactly!

I thought we'd worked past

the whole punching thing.

Nope.
Boy that felt good.

Man, I really needed that.

Hi, my name's Gary.

Hey, Gary. Bob.
You're pretty strong.

Now, let's see if we can get
you guys out of here, huh?

Hey, how do you know
if you have internal bleeding?

I can tell.
I can tell.

Let me listen.
Let me listen.

All right! Here we go!

Thanks, Gary!

No problem.

I'm gonna get back
into my, uh...

prison on wheels now.
Okay!

Aw, you just need a little
Christmas cheer in there.

Bobby, give him the tree.

What? No. The tree is
the whole reason we...

Give him the tree!

All right.
That's so nice.

Hey, come here.

You ever have a Dutch Baby?

Put that in your mouth.
Merry Christmas.

This is really good.
You can't even taste the baby.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, God,
he's so hungry, look.

We got him!

Oh my God, Teddy!
Teddy is Santa!

I found the Christmas
card you didn't open.

It's right there
on the counter.

Open the card
while I'm here.

You'd rather me do that
than try and get the...

Open the card, then you can
get the fridge off of me.

Oh, well, anyway,
it's just a cat.

What does it say?

It says "Meow-y Christmas."

Yup, yeah.

That's cute.

* Hoo, ha,
hoo, ha *

* Hoo, ha, hoo, ha

* Jingle in the jungle,
hope you bringle me a bundle *

* Jingle on my tingle

* Santa,
bring my favorite thingles *

* Some mittens for the monkeys

* But make sure
they're pretty funky *

* Some leggings for the lion,
but remember he's size nine *

* Frogs and gators
and monkeys immense *

* Everybody jingle
to the jungle dance *

* We have candles
and lights and jingle... *

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.