Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Presto-Tina-O - full transcript

"Festival of Magic"?

This whole town's
gonna be full

of magicians
turning tricks!

Hi, Jimmy, Jr.
Hi, Zeke.

What are you
wearing?

Is it cape o'clock,
already?

It's for the Young
Magicians Competition.

I'm in it to win it.

Abraca-yeah-bro!
I support ya!

I didn't know
you were into magic.

I thought you were
more into dancing.



Well, I dance a lot
during my magic. Like this.

♪ Ta-da!

Whoa! Where'd the hell
that come from?!

He's like
a magical florist!

Thank you. Oh.
Whoop!

Maybe I'll come to the
competition and cheer for you.

Whatever.
It's a free country.

He's so patriotic.

Okay, then, see you at our date.
It's not a date.

Yes, it is.
Not really.

Pretty much, it is a date.
Definitely not. Whoop.

Oh, this promotion
is a great idea, Bob!

I love magic!
I know. Me, too.

Ooh, I'm gonna stick
a quarter in my ear,



so they have something
to pull out.

Yeah, the only problem is,

this sign could actually
attract magicians, so...

Louise, this will
be good for business.

Plus, magic is fun.
Mm-mm.

Magic can take you
to places

you could never
possibly imagine.

Like Delaware!

Oh, look, here comes
our first magician.

Or a Wild West
wedding DJ?

Hello.
Hello...

Hello. Um, I couldn't help
but notice your sign.

Notice anything else?

Whoops. Uh, oh, where'd
that come from?

Uh, come on in, Mr., uh...

Mars Sazerac.

Boy, that is a...
magicky name.

Hold on. How do we know
you're a magician?

Show us a trick!

Oh, write my name
on a piece of cake,

put it in a box,
and I'll eat it!

Sorry, don't
listen to him.

He's just wants
to eat cake.

Fine, write it on a piece of
pizza and put it under my desk.

It's always gonna have something
to do with eating something.

Just hiding food in places

that he already knows
the location of.

I mean, it would be nice to
see something, like a trick.

Well, I suppose me and my 52
friends could use the exercise.

Oh, God,
it's happening!

Miss, could I ask you
to be my assistant?

Oh, I couldn't. No.

Okay I'll do it!

Oh, that's right,
magicians have assistants...

Ta-da.

Now I'll need a volunteer

Me!
Me!

Me!
Me!

Me!
Me...!

Me!

You're already
the assistant, Linda.

Oh.
You win.

No need to shout.
Thank you.

Bye, Gene.
Bye.

Okay, Bob, let's move
you over here

so the audience
can see you.

Right here?
Perfect.

Now, you're going
to pick a card.

And while you're doing that,

Linda's going to get me
your biggest knife.

I have it right here.
Butcher knife, check!

Whoa, why do
you have that?

Me and Gene
were playing pirates.

Mm-hmm.

Pick a card, Bob.
Show it to them, not me.

Okay, everyone, here's my card.

Nice one, Dad.
Okay.

That was not a
very good trick.

Now, Linda,
cut the deck, literally.

Go on! Whack it!

All right, step back.
Whaaah!

Whoa!
Still not a great trick.

Well, well, looks like
we have a survivor.

Recognize this?!

Ha-ha!

That's not my card.
Oh.

Hit the bricks,
Fail-dini!

You had your shot,
you blew it.

Well, so much for
the magician's discount.

In fact, maybe
I should pay you.

Wait... that looks
like my wallet.

Did you take my wallet?

Oh-ho-ho, slow down,
there, Bob.

Before you call the cops,
you'd better check the I.D.

My card!

Oh, my!

Wait... how did you
pick my pocket?

I didn't feel anything.

Oh, I feel something.

I feel like I want
to magically steal things, too.

This must be what it's like when
people get called to the priesthood.

I accept.

Whoa!

I've seen canned tuna,
but never canned Tina!

Ugh! You're such
a locker stalker.

Good one, Tammy.
I know.

Oh, hi, Jimmy Jr.

It's like I was padlocked
in a box, and you set me free.

Um, okay.
Hi.

How did you know
my locker combination?

It only took
a couple thousand tries.

Allow me.
Okay.

Is there anything else
I could assist you with?

Uh, I need to get
my science book.

This perfectly ordinary textbook.
Thanks.

You know, I could also assist
you with your magic act

as your magician's assistant.

Classy.
Like a lady butler.

Um, okay, I-I guess
you could do that.

I practice after school.

Oh, okay, cool.
All right, see ya.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

What? What?

Oh, I just found a cool book
I've been meaning to read.

Oh, it's mine.

Oh.
That's his!

Can I borrow it? No,
I don't think so. I kinda need it.

Okay, I'll
read it here. Bye.

Um, Jimmy Junior?!

What, Tina?

Maybe I should be facing
the audience, too?

Fine.

Um... okay, there's more?

Remember?

The blades?
I remember!

Stupid magic.

♪ Ta-dance!

Uh, hello? Jimmy Jr.?

What, Tina?

If this were a dancing
competition, forget about it.

But you might want to put a little
more flair into the actual magic.

What makes you such
an expert, Tina?

You've only been doing
magic for a day.

I've been doing it
for nine days!

Jimmy Jr., they spilled a crate
of yogurt in the cafeteria!

Let's go slide
around in it!

Cool, Zeke.

Come on! Let's go!
Wait up, Zeke!

Okay, I'll be here.

Sweep up all the
confetti, okay?

Okay, Gene, let's start
with an easy mark.

Uh, there we go.

You distract
while I extract.

Got it.

Andy, there's something
I need to ask you,

but you have
to really focus on me

while I'm saying
these words!

Oh, okay!
I'll focus, too!

I've never done
that before!

What do you think of bacon?
Hmm?

Bacon, bacon, bacon.

Andy, someone's trying
to steal your candy!

Ugh!
Thanks, Ollie!

You're welcome, Andy!

Damn it, Ollie!
How did you know?!

I felt it coming out
of Andy's pocket!

Get a womb,
you wacky twins.

That hurt my feelings.

I felt it hurt
your feelings!

You did?
Yes!

Ah-choo!
Oh, I wish somebody had

a really long handkerchief
up their sleeve. Anybody? Hmm?

Come on.
Where's the pizazz-matazz?

I thought they'd
get more food.

They split an order
of fries three hours ago

and they haven't ordered
anything since.

Now they're just
loitering.

They tricked you, Bob!
It's what they do!

So, Sazerac, can I get you
and your friends anything else?

Remember, it's half off,
so don't hold back.

Ah, well, your delicious fries
have left my fingers greasy.

Bring me a huge plate
of napkins.

Well, how 'bout a burger?
I can get you a...

Napkins.
All right, napkins.

Get him a napkin.

Hey, Bob, I think he
got your wallet again.

And keys!

And your gas pills!

And your dignity.

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha,
great.

Hi, I'm looking for

a magician's
assistant's costume.

Something classy!

So no butt cheek!

Well, you're in luck!

This is my last assistant's
costume in your size.

The sequins are French crystal.

Well, French-Canadian.
Is that good?

How much do you know
about sequins?

Nothing.
They're the best.

She'll take it!

Rented!
Okay, what else?

How's your magician set
for cups and balls?

I beg your pardon!

Oh...

That looks pretty advanced.

My magician's better
with his feet than his hands.

He's more
of a dance-ician?

Well, for those with only the
slightest sleight-of-hand,

you can't go wrong
with magic rope.

♪ Ta-da!

Great.
I'll take that too.

The only thing I need now
is some magic

between me and my magician.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Are you talking
about mixing magic and romance?

Big time.

Don't do it!

It's dangerous.
Also, don't mix

magic with taxes.
Or plumbing.

That's okay... danger
is my middle name.

But I spell it R-U-T-H.
It spells Ruth.

Yeah. Yeah, it does. Mm-hmm.

Looks like there's
a wait, huh?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll just
come back later.

Oh, hold on,
that guy's getting up.

No, he's levitating!

What? Nope,
he was just leaning over to fart.

You know what?
I'll handle this.

What are you
gonna do?

Yeah, wait, you'll see.
What?

Look, guys, you've been here
all day

working on one order
of fries, so...

Understood, Bob.

Let me settle my tab.

Do you have change for this?

Sorry I don't have
anything smaller.

No, you know what?
To be honest, Sazerac,

I don't even enjoy
this anymore.

I don't, I, I, honestly don't
even like magic that much now,

because of you.

So, you and your friends,
you now all pay full price.

No magicians' discount.

Well, if that's how you feel,
you can have your fries back.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God!

Look, it says "Ta-da"!

That's it!
I don't care that that was good.

You and your regurgitated
potatoes and the rest

of your magic buddies,
you're banned!

Bob, you can't just ban them!

This isn't the '60s,
you know!

Fellow conjurers,
let's go somewhere

our craft is
appreciated.

Like my mother's!

Oh, and one
last thing, Bob.

Your name goes
in the book.

What book?
The "Enemies of Magic" book.

Good! I want to be
in your stupid book

because I am
an enemy of magic!

Well, then this is
the perfect book for you!

Will this page do?

Love it!

Don't gasp, Linda!

Oh!
Don't you gasp!

Rest assured, Bob,

I will never set foot

in this restaurant again.

And yet, you will never be
rid of me!

I just got chills!
Oh, my God.

Come on, J-Ju,
get your dance on!

I'm doing it, Zeke.

My little tiny dancer.

Here we go!

Look, Jimmy Jr. I got something
new for our act...

magic rope.

Cool! A rope!
No, that's not how it works.

Yee-hah! Whoo!

No... Giddy up, magic cowboy!
Come on!

Look, you're supposed
to cut the rope,

then restore it.
I can show you.

Oh, cool, scissors!
Hyah! Hyah!

Jimmy Jr., stop.
Snipping and a-whipping.

Doola-di-doo!

Jimmy Jr., stop.
Tina, move!

Listen to me!
Stop it, Tina. I can't dance

to the sound
of you telling me what to do.

Yeah! Boom!

I'm trying to help.

Assist me assist you.

You know what, Tina?
This isn't working.

That's why we have
to keep practicing.

No, this isn't working.

I am firing you.

What?

You can't stop my dancing!

You can't tie me up
with your magic rope!

Holy moly!
Tell it, James Ju!

I'm not trying to tie you up,
you gorgeous idiot!

Maybe I should enter this stupid
contest myself

just to show you
an actual magic act!

You see that, Zeke?

Yeah.
She got pretty mad.

She's a trip.

Her face turned purple.

Plus, you're not even
a magician, Tina.

I am now!

Oh.

It worked in the store. Look, Zeke,

tassels!
Yeah!

Come on, let me touch 'em.

So, you and
your magician split up...

big surprise.

Jimmy Junior
thinks assistants

should be sequined
and not heard.

So, presto.

Now I'm the magician.

So, uh... what do
you got for this

no-trick pony, eh?
Set her up.

Young lady, you're in luck.

Here's a classic
of escapology...

the straitjacket.

Last one in your size.

It just takes
a little bit of practice

and some dislocateable
shoulders.

I'll dislocate
Jimmy Junior's heart...

and my shoulders.

You sound like
you could use

the full
revenge package.

For just $19.95,
you could get this...

Hmm... interesting.

When Doves Cry.

The Art of
Magic Sabotage.

No, thanks.
I want to win fair and square.

Keeping it clean?
I have just the thing.

A-ha.

A Guide to Not Cheating

in Magic Competitions.

I'll just take
the straitjacket.

It's not going to be
the last time she says that.

It's our
family motto!

Wow.

This place looks
pretty big

without all those
magicians in it.

Ah! Oh! Whoa!

Oh!

Oh... Wow,
that's never happened before.

That flustered
the heck out of me.

Can I get some
water, Bobby?

Yeah, sure.

What the hell?

Bobby,
it's the curse!

Oh!
What curse?

The Curse of Sazerac!

Linda's right, Bob.

You're cursed. You're in
the "Enemies of Magic" book.

We're not cursed.

We're not cursed.
You are.

You're the one who's cursed. Yeah.

It's your name
in the book.

The black magic
death book.

Look, it's just
a bunch of stupid tricks.

Someone must've
snuck in and...

Where are you going?

What?
Nowhere.

Just, if something heavy falls
on you, I don't want to...

I mean, I want to be
able to help you, bye.

I'm not cursed!

Aah!
I don't want to die!

♪ Don't be so into tragic

♪ Shoop-shoop, shoop-shoop

♪ Who should face
a straitjacket? ♪

♪ Shoop-shoop, shoop-shoop

♪ Don't be so into magic

♪ Shoop-shoop, shoop-shoop

♪ Doo-wah!

♪ Don't be so into magic

♪ Who should face
a straitjacket? ♪

♪ Dub-a-doo, dub-a-doo, da!

I'm not sure I can escape
from my straitjacket.

Maybe I should have stuck
to being an assistant.

No...

you're really
talented.

Hah!

Tammy?
What are you doing?

I'm Jimmy Junior's
new assistant.

You coul't en wait

until the Zig-Zag box was cold?

Oh, I thought I smelled
your B.O. in there.

Uh-oh. Battle of
the training bras.

I feel like I'm back
in diapers at divorce court!

You know what
really stinks, Tammy?

His act.

It's not magic,
it's tragic.

Don't be such a rhymin' hymen,
Tina. Yeah, Tina.

You're not even good at it.
Yeah, Tina.

Oh, Jimmy Junior,
you make me so mad!

What are you gonna
do about it?

I'll take it.

Here you go!

Do you have something
caught in your throat?

That was my evil laugh.

I also have something
caught in my throat.

And... we're in.

His magic cape
won't be so magic

when the hidden pockets
are stapled shut.

Guys, code red,
Hocus and Dopus!

Tina, start stapling!

Hurry!

Done.

Go! Split up!

You missed
the cape, Tina!

Oh, hi, Jimmy Junior.

We were just leaving
in that direction.

Man, I wish
I had siblings

I could walk
that close with.

My brother's 44.

There has to be
something else

in here that will
ruin Jimmy Junior.

This one would be great,
if we had eight weeks,

25 rabbits,
and a fireman's hose.

Ooh, look at
this one.

"Find the heart of his act,

and cut it out."

Like when Shelley
Long left Cheers.

Okay, Tina,

time to put on
your straitjacket.

Oh, all this white,
it's like your wedding day.

Oh, I'm tearing up!

Thank you, Mother.

I must prepare.

Boy, she's really
in the zone, huh?

Uh, I think I should
stay here, Lin.

Protect the restaurant
from another Sazerac attack.

A Saz attack.

Forget the restaurant, Bob.

You're gonna be cursed,
no matter what.

You might as well come
support your daughter.

And let's be
honest, Dad,

how much more cursed
can you really get?

What, is he gonna give you
an even weirder body?

Thanks, Louise.
You got it.

Great. Sazerac's the emcee.

I can't get away
from that idiot.

So... maybe...
I'm going to get even with him.

What?

I mean...
uh, nothing.

Be right back.
Good luck, Tina.

Okay, my little
Teenie-Weenie Houdini!

Go kick some butt!

Some butt,
or one butt?

Okay...

We need to go,
too, Mom.

Uh, I'm Tina's...

silk scarf wrangler.

And I'm the one who
has to make sure

there's nothing
up her sleeves.

I love that.

All right, Team Tina!
Go, Team Tina!

Enjoy your complimentary
cold-cuts, Saza-jerk!

The "Enemies of Magic" book!

David Cassidy?
Larry Bird?!

Diane Keaton?

Ha!
My name's not in your book

anymore, Sazerac,
but this is!

Uh-oh, that's not good.

Ow.
That's a peppercorn.

Say that again.

Now we cut out the heart

of Jimmy Junior's act
and put in this.

"Poly-rhythmic
synth-jazz"!

No one can
dance to that.

That's right.
Not even Jimmy Junior.

Yeah!

Here's the new music
for Jimmy Junior's act.

Um, I don't see anything
on my list about new music.

Look, we did a Kickstarter
to make this music

Oh, okay, okay!
All right!

Oh, boy.

I snuck into Sazerac's
dressing room

and I found his stupid
book and tore my name out.

What?
You did what?

Ooh...

Ooh, you smell
like salami.

Thank you, and welcome

to the Young Magician's
Competition!

These kids are the magic stars
of the future.

Well, not all of them.

Some will give up,

become teachers, doctors...

I know, I know.

I agree, but come on.

Let's hear it for
our first contestant,

The Amazing Jimmy Pesto Junior

and his assistant,
Tammy Larson!

That's not my music.

Just go with it.

I can't dance
to this!

Damn it!

It looks like he's
having a funky stroke.

I miss you, Grandpa!

This doesn't bother me at all,

watching my almost
boyfriend get

horribly humiliated...

Ah! Yes, it does!
I can't do this!

I gotta save him.
It's not too late.

Oh, maybe it is too late.

Still, I've gotta try.

What are you doing out here?

Trying to save you.
I switched your music

to something with
a nine-eight time signature.

That's like dance Kryptonite!

I know, I'm sorry.
I was really mad at you

for firing me and for
replacing me with Tammy.

I'm sorry, too, for being
so sensitive about my dancing.

So what do we do now?

We have the rest of our
lives to figure that out.

No, I mean right now. Oh.

Get off
the stage, Tina!

You're not his assistant.

I am! Deal with it!

Sorry, Tammy,
I can't hear you

while you're rolling
away so fast.

Aah!

Hi, Tammy!
Bye, Tammy!

Great magic!

Well, should I
do a trick?

No, I'll be the magician

and you assist me
with your dancing.

I told you, I can't
dance to this music!

And I probably can't
get out of this.

But follow my lead anyway.
Okay, Tina.

Is this part of the show?

Yeah, right?
Do a trick!

And now, with the help
of my lovely assistant,

I will perform
an amazing escape

from the Jacket
of Doom.

Huh.

I thought we were
getting revenge.

More like revenge on us,
having to watch.

Ho-ho.

And now for the master
to become the mark...

This... isn't
going well...

Aah!

♪ Ta-dance.
Hah!

And now, for the winner

of the Young Magician's
Competition...

The envelope, please!

I can't believe you
got out of that thing.

How'd you do it?
Magic.

Would you mind

popping my shoulder back in?
Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Now, that's what
I call air mail!

The $500 grand prize goes to...

Peter Pescadero,
the Impescadaralist!

I can't turn it off!

Thank you!

And the Honorable Mention Award

for On-Stage Chemistry
goes to...

Tina Belcher and
Jimmy Pesto Junior!

Go, Tina!

What?!

"On Stage Chemistry"?

That's almost as good
as off-stage chemistry.

Why don't you two nerds
go have wizard babies?

Enjoy your prize.

A $50 gift
certificate from

Wands! Wands! Wands!
magic shop.

Can not be applied to
the purchase of wands.

Sweet. Thanks, Tina.

Don't thank me,
thank my lips.

Thanks, lips!

See ya!

Now I see him, now I don't.

Way to go, Tina!
Your trick was the best!

Everyone was
talking about it.

Thanks, Mom.
Cool if we don't hug?

So you won
the Honorable Mention

Onstage Chemistry award.

That's something, right?

No, I've thought
about it

and I don't think
it is anything.

Meanwhile,

I picked my first pocket.

Sazerac's.

Oh, the "Enemies
of Magic" book.

Thanks, Louise,
but I already tore my name out

and look what I put in.

Wait, what is this?

"Look on the back of
the page you tore out."

"Dear Bob, I knew this
is how it would end...

"...you sneaking
into my dressing room,

"licking my cold-cuts,

"and ripping your name
out of the book,

which I then let Louise
take from my pocket."

He let me
take it?

Wow.
That guy is good.

Yeah, he's great!
There's a P.S.

"P.S. I farted on the meat."

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh! Well, I hope you
learned your lesson, Bob.

Don't lick meat.
Disagree.