Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Bob and Deliver - full transcript

Ugh, even stripes don't help.

His body's an enigma.

Do they make an apron
with a control top?

I think you
look pretty, Dad.

Stop it. I just want
a plain white one.

You can't wear white.
You're not a virgin. Gene.

Hey, there's Mr. Frond.

Oh, hello,
Belcher family.

Classy martini set.

The name's Frond. James Frond.

I've got a license to...
counsel.



Double-oh-so-sad.

Louise, be nice.

Why? It's Mr. Frond.

Ah, Tina, since
I caught you,

your Home Ec teacher Mrs. Woods
is going on disability.

O-M-G. Is she okay? Obviously,
I can't share confidential details.

All I can say is,
she's a drug addict.

So, until she comes back,
we're folding Home Ec in

with Metal Shop.
Metal Shop?

Say good-bye
to your fingers.

You can build
metal fingers.

Boy, it's a shame
to cancel Home Ec.

I mean, everybody needs to learn
how to cook, right?

A lot of kids
aren't lucky enough



to grow up in a restaurant.

Oh! So that's what you
tell yourself. Well, Bob,

maybe you'd like to fill in
as a substitute, huh?

Me, teach? Wow, I mean, I can't.

I-I've got the restaurant
to run. But...

it is an honor
to pass on what you know

to the next generation,
right?

I mean, I might even
change some lives.

What's wrong with Dad?
Frond is right! I can teach kids!

Mmm... I did it with you, Gene.

What the hell,
let's do it.

Wow, this will be great. I've
never been teacher's pet before.

But now I have a huge head start
because Dad already likes me.

Like is a strong word.

Teacher's pet, the gold star
of gold stars.

Mmm...

Ahh...

What are you doing, Tina?

Nothing.

You'll see.

Well, here I am,
all set for my first day.

Oh, my God.
You look so handsome!

Just like Richard Dreyfuss
in Mr. Holland's Old Penis.

Um... Why are you
carrying Mom's old purse?

Oh. I-I thought it kind of
looked like a briefcase.

Go ahead and use it. But let me
take out my pepper spray.

Unless you want to cook with it.

If it's anything like
butter spray, I'm in!

Guys, remember, at
school, I'm Mr. Belcher,

so treat me like you would
any other substitute teacher.

That means you get
a mean nickname

and we assume you live
a horribly depressing life.

In this case,
we know it's true.

Bob, you're getting
a nickname! Fun!

Mr. Belt-Stretcher.
Ha!

Mr. Bowel-Chair.

No, Dr. Fart!

Alphonso Poo Poo Fatty III.

Those are kind of
all not very good.

Hmm, Bowel-Chair, pretty good.
All right, let's go to school.

Let me try a squirt
of that pepper spray.

Oh, actually,
not so bad.

Aw, what's the matter, Teddy?

You're actually chewing
your food instead of

throwing your head back
like a duck.

I got to go to my cousin's
wedding this weekend

and I'm dreading it.
Oh.

Is this the cousin you got
to second base with?

No, that was my second cousin and
it was third base. What is it then?

There's always dancing
at weddings, and I can't dance.

You know, Teddy, I could teach
you how to dance. I taught myself,

and look at me. That is impressive.

Right? I don't know. I mean,
the wedding's in three days.

That's plenty of time.
It's maybe's too much time.

Can they move it up?
I don't think so.

They already rented a bounce house.
Bounce house?

Yeah, pretty shi-shi.

Hello, class.

I'm, uh, Mr. Belcher,
your substitute.

I will be teaching you,
but I also look forward

to each one of you... whoa...
teaching me.

Nice purse, Mr. B.!

It's a... it's a briefcase.

Man purse!
No, it's not a man purse.

Purse! Anyway,
what have you guys covered so far?

Pies? Omelets? Maybe
you've tackled a casserole?

One time we made popsicles
out of juice.

And then we made juice
by melting popsicles.

Oh, wait, that was
in science.

We don't cook in Home Ec.
We watch educational movies.

And I do funny commentary.
Zeke's really funny.

'Prec.
So put in a flick Mr. B.

No, no, no. Today, why don't
we actually do a little cooking?

Cooking's stupid!
The only cooking I do

is an Indian burn!
Ah! Zeke, it burns!

Gotcha!
I'm gonna go get your neck! Zeke!

Zeke, let him go.

Play the movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie!
Alphonso Poo Poo Fatty III!

Dr. Fart!

Alphonso Poo Poo Fatty III!

I have pepper spray in my purse,
and I will use it!

Movies! Movies! Movies! Movies!

You're animals!
You're all animals!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on in here?

Calm down, children.

Here's your movie.

♪ I'm here
to teach you Home Ec ♪

♪ It'll only take a sec

Nothing to make fun of yet.

I'm really
enjoying it so far.

Kids are horrible.

Why do we keep making them?

Do you need a hug?
No. Kind of. No.

All ght, Bob,
I should have explained.

Home Ec isn't
for honor students.

It's where dumb-dumbs
learn to make ice.

You know my daughter's
in that class, right?

Yes, Bob, I do.

Okay, but shouldn't we be...

challenging these kids?

What? Like a fight?

I don't want to fight
those kids.

Maybe the girls, but...
No, teaching them.

Teaching them how to cook.

Bob, the movies mellow them out.

It's not like
we can slip meds into their milk.

Anymore.
What?

Hmm? I got to go. I g-got lots to
do. Wait. Di... But I'm not go...

- I don't want to go back in there.
- Frond...

So, what's the easiest step?

No steps. If I wanted
to see steps,

I'd go to a staircase.
Right.

Everyone's a dancer. You're
probably dancing all day long,

you don't even know it. There!
You just tugged up your pants

to cover up your butt crack.
Now, that could be a move.

Okay, tug and wiggle,
tug and wiggle. Right?

Tug and wiggle,
tug and wiggle.

Now let's make
your boom-boom jiggle. Come on.

There he is.

Look at you.
Bill Cosby's got nothing on me.

Hey, guys.
Hey, how was Home Ec?

- Keep it goin', Teddy.
- It was fun.

Mr. Belcher totally
lost control of the class.

Dad did great.

He broke down
and cried quicker

than any
substitute teacher ever.

I didn't cry.

Well, the rumor
that I started says otherwise.

I started a rumor
you wear diapers.

But so far,
no traction.

No, I heard that.
Yes!

Nah, just quit, Bob.

You always have
a job at Bob's Burgers.

Yeah, that'll cheer him up.

No. You know what. I'm not
gonna quit on those kids.

I just have to find
a way to reach them.

Should I still be
dancing? I'm having chest pains.

Keep goin'!

Sorry I was all up

in your grill about

cooking yesterday.

Don't try
to be our friend.

Um, all right,
well, let's fire up

Chester the Home Ec-ster

Meets Dustin
the Dusting Cowboy.

Those two are always
gettin' into it.

Oh, anybody want
some microwave popcorn

to go with the movie?

Whoops, I ripped the bag.

Now we can't
have popcorn! Idiot.

Hey, everybody, maybe there's
another way to make popcorn.

He's trying to microwave
without a microwave.

Mr. B.'s lost it.
God, he's lost it!

Let's see where
he goes with this.

Oh, my God!
What's happening?!

We're cooking, Jocelyn.
That's what's happening.

What's cooking?
Aw, poop, he tricked us!

Or, aw, poop,
he taught us.

It smells like real
microwave popcorn.

Hey, who wants to make
some kettle corn?

Me! Me! I do.

You rock,
Mr. Belcher.

All right, Anthony.
Down low, too slow.

Oh. You got there in time.

Come on. There's a line?

That was a great class,
Mr. Belcher.

Calm down, kiddo. Sorry,
Zeke, I just got carried away.

Nah, we're cool and all
but just shut up sometimes.

Right. Got it.
Shut it! Jimmy Jr., shut it!

Your dad's really cool.

He's married!
To a friend of mine!

What the heck happened here?

I'm not sure. I think Dad
might be a great teacher.

Your dad rules! Hey, I don't
appreciate your lack of sarcasm.

There's a lot of
competition for teacher's pet.

It's a real petting
zoo in there.

And shake it
and shake it and shake it

and shake it and...
Aw, stop shakin' it.

Whew.
Teddy, I'm gonna be frank, okay?

You got the moves
but there's no fire.

I got no fire!
No, it's okay

because weddings
have firewater.

Firewater?
Yes.

What is firewater?
It's alcohol.

Right. Okay. It's been
helpin' men dance at weddings

since the beginning
of time. Come on.

You chug-a-lug
and cut a rug!

Well, I got to fix a roof
later but this is important.

Attaboy!

Will not be the first time
I've fallen off a roof.

Hi, I was wondering

if I could
borrow an egg?

I'm Bob, the substitute
Home Ec teacher.

Well, well, well, Mr. Bob
the substitute Home Ec teacher

comes into my kitchen
and wants to borrow a egg.

If you don't have one, it's fine.
No, let's get you that egg.

Oh, thank you.
Here it is.

That's not an egg.
That's your middle finger.

If you don't want it
sunny-side up, I can make it

over easy.
Finger upside down, got it.

Want to see scrambled?

Jeez, it's a little
aggressive down here.

I mean,
aren't we on the same team?

We both work for the school.

I don't. I work
for Caf-Co Food Services.

And Caf-Co has a strict policy
against lending eggs to Bob.

All right, well, I'll find an
egg someplace else, I guess.

Just messing with you.

Seriously, I've got a dozen
over here on the shelf.

Jeez, you really had
I know.

Fu... That's funny.
Here you go. Here you go.

Uh, I got it.
Here you go. Here you go.

You got a basket for these? Huh?
Yeah, no... I'm all set, thank...

Thank you. Thanks for your help.
All right. Take care, Bob.

Have a nice day. Yeah, you, too.
Can you believe that guy?

Substitute.

Okay, someone taste this soup
and tell me what it needs.

Oh, look, he chose me.
Okay, fine, I'll do it.

Um... salt.

I know that because I pay
attention in class,

and I'm not texting like Jocelyn

or late like Peter.

Uh, someone else?
Zeke, you want to try?

I don't need
this stuff, Mr. B.

I ain't goin' to college.
Just try it, Zeke.

Nope! I can't do it.
Well, no...

Zeke.
No!

No one will laugh at you.

All right. Might as well try

to Zeke it up, I guess.

Let's see what we got.
All right.

Uh, let's try some
of this leafy stuff.

Some of these orange flakes
that look like fish food.

Forget it, forget it.

Let's invite some
of thisto the party!

Ooh, la, la.

Paprika? Eureka!

Get your ass in here, girl!

Oh, man. Oh, boy.

All right, I
probably wrecked it.

It's... unbelievable.

Shut up.
It's amazing.

No. Zeke,
you may have a perfect palate.

Do you know how rare that is?

Get out of my mouth,
Mr. B.! Stop it!

Zeke, you can't run away
from your gift! No! No! No!

I can teach you! Zeke, don't shut
me out!

You've got to... You've got give it
a... Shut up! Shut up! Go to hell!

You've got to give it a chance,
Zeke! Go to hell!

All right, I'll try it.

Just don't start something
you can't finish, Mr. B.

I won't let you down, Zeke.

Anyhow, the soup
wasn't perfect.

Tina put too
much salt in it.

Go to hell, Zeke.

♪ La, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la,
la, la ♪

♪ La, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la.

Smells great.
Yeah, we should eat it right now.

Hey, you guys aren't
in this class.

Please?
It smells so good.

We'll pay.
With our lunch money.

You guys, we're not
a restaurant. Go away.

Well, wait, we could be.
No, we're not.

Well, that's the "Ec"
of "Home Ec."

A-a restaurant.
Oh.

Yeah, a Home Ec-staurant.

Jocelyn, you can do your salads.
Yay, salad!

Peter, you can be our beverage guy.
What's a beverage?

Jimmy Jr.,
can you handle the money?

I have a calculator.
You do the math.

And for our head chef,

the person who will
wield the spatula... Tina?

Yes?
Can you hand this to Zeke?

Hell, yes!

Tina, give it to him.

Come on, let go.

Tina, give him the spatula.

Let go, Tina.

Let go of it, Tina!

We want to eat!
Let go of it, Tina.

Give it to Zeke.
Give it to Zeke. Tina!

Where are all
the food holes?

Huh?
The rest of the kids.

Maybe they're
at the Home Ec-staurant?

The Home Ec-sta
what?! Back up!

Home Ec-staurant.
Home Ec-sta what?!

Aah! I can't breathe.
Home Ec-sta what?!

Can't breathe! Aah!
You're useless! Useless!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hildy's sorry.

Here, take an extra, uh,
black and white bar.

Yeah, we got a problem.

No, it's Hildy.

Look at us, we're packed.

Yeah, we're busier than a monkey
with six dingalings! Order up!

Come on, Jocelyn,
get your head out of your butt! Oh.

How am I doing on
dishwashing, Mr. Belcher?

Good, Tina. Of course, kids are
licking the plates clean,

so it's kind of easy, right? No.

Yeah, if we're gonna keep up,
we need more manpower.

No, no, no, no, no!
No! no...

You don't want me.
I'm a terrible employee!

Check my references!

And Gene's the one
who trained me.

I didn't even listen.

Gene, you're a waiter,
Louise, you're hostess.

We need to turn some tables! Fine!

Hello. How was everything?

Guess you didn't like it!

Ha, ha, just kidding.

So unless there's anything else,
maybe you should go now.

Ga-up, up, up,
up, up, up.

Drive safe. Thanks for coming.
Come again.

I got an open two-top here!

Give me a bald Kelly Ripa
and a canoe with a brick!

Chicken taco, no sour cream,
plus a brownie... you got it.

Really? I didn't even
know what I meant.

I think I'm a
great waiter!

I think
I'm a great hostess!

Maybe we've
always been great.

Yeah! And we've just been
working in a sucky restaurant.

I guess I know where I belong.

Hi. I want to transfer
into Metal Shop.

Come in.

Part of dancing

is finding a partner, okay?

So go ask that guy to dance. Um...

Do it.
What if says no?

Make him say yes
with your body.

With my body, right.

Right, yeah.

No, I don't
want to dance.

What about now?

Okay.

Hey, Bob, I made this guy
say yes with my body. Great.

Enjoying yourself, sir?
Yeah, this is all right.

Hey, you're home
from school early.

Well, I'm going back.

I'm just grabbing some plates
for the second restaurant.

What second restaurant?
The home ec class.

Now it's a home
ec-staurant.

Lin, this teaching
thing is unbelievable.

I'm changing kids' lives!

Me, too! I feel
exactly the same!

I changed Teddy's life!

Um, uh, I don't know if we're

feeling quite the
same thing, Lin.

I mean Teddy's one
life, and he's old.

Not that it's
a competition.

No, of course not,
but, uh...

I bet none of your students
can do this.

Come on, lift that guy up.
Lift him up.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

See that?

I got him up!
He's up.

I'm gonna spin! Light!
Light! Light! Light!

Kevin, are those new pants?

Cindy, Ray,
are you two back together?

So happy.

Hey, Paul,
when's the cast coming off?

Stop using those crutches
as a crutch.

David, come here. Sorry about
your parents' divorce.

It's not your fault.
I love you, man.

Donald, the rat tail...
it's coming back!

Okay, I'm going
to the bathroom now.

I'm going to stop talking.

Aah!

I didn't mean
to startle you.

Just wanted to check in
with the new lunch lady.

I-I'm not a
lunch lady.

You sell lunches to kids,
you got a little mustache.

Occupied!

Well, I-I should probably
get back to my classroom.

Not so fast.

Wash your hands.
That's disgusting.

Oh, yeah, you kind of
threw me off my routine.

Wash up.
I prefer to do it myself.

You got to get
in there.

Can you not wash my hands?

Hotter water. I got to get
hotter water on this.

You're hurting me.
That's really hot.

Ow! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, God... Ah.

Now that you're all
cleaned up,

there's someone
who wants to talk to you.

Get in the back.

"Get in the back"?

Lift the thing

on the side,
the seat slides forward.

Crawl under the seat
belt. I'll hold it up.

Okay, um...

Hello. I'm Mr. Platt.

"Michael Mauermann."

Mr. Mauermann retired.

My cards aren't
ready yet.

Trust me, they'll
look quite similar.

"Caf-Co Food Services."

Bob, we have an
exclusive contract

that you are in
violation thereof.

Come on, your big corporation
has a problem

with kids making food
for other kids?

Definitely.

If it's bigger than a bake sale,
they call Michael Mauermann,

and they reach me because
I have his number now,

and I shut it down.

Well, I was hired by Mr. Frond,
so, take it up with him.

Oh. I already have.

Sorry I'm late.

I thought we were meeting
in that hatchback over there.

Hmm. Bob, could you please...?

Make a little room.
Could you...?

Yeah. Yup. Yes.

And I'm not gonna sit on the hump!
Can you be polite, Bob?

Just move over.
Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I don't want
to sit on your lap, so...

Uh... I don't want you to, either.

Bob, the administration
is siding with Caf-Co.

You are to close
the Home Ec-staurant,

and go back to movies,
or you're fired.

No. I-I won't do it to the kids.

Then out you go!
What are you doing?

Open the door so I can push him
out, Mr. Frond. Can you not do that?

I mean, I can just curl up in
the seat here and let him go by.

Well, if you would shimmy
forward, now, now...

You know, all you need
to do is move.

You're pushing my neck.
I-I want to push you out.

You're... Stop pushing me.
I'll just get out.

And here it comes.
Got you. Ha, ha!

No, you didn't.
Well, yes, I did.

I pushed you out,
and you're fired.

So, double burn on you.
I got out on my own.

Well, then, uh...
you're rehired.

Get back in the car.
No. I'm not falling for that.

No, just... just sit down
on the edge of the seat here.

No, I'm walking away now.
Thank you. You...

Now you.

Not bad, Lin,
but what about...

♪ Baba, bada, ba-ba,
ba-bada-bup. ♪

Yeah, that's okay, Teddy,
for people who can't do this,

and thisand that
and thatand that!

Maybe you were
thinking of this!

Ooh, ah, ooh-ooh, ah!

Ow, my face!
Oh, my God, Lin!

Aah!

This was a bad idea.

I should never dance.
I should never dance!

No, Teddy. This is what
dancing's all about.

Not holding back,
taking chances!

Yeah, sometimes people get hit
in the mouth. So what?

You're not...
you're not mad?

Mad? Teddy,
I'm as proud as can be.

I got nothing more
to teach you.

The only thing left
to do now is... Kiss?

No! What? No! Dance.

Dance out that door.

It's your graduation.

♪ Teddy knows how
to dance now ♪

♪ He is ready for the wedding.

Come on, get out
the door, move it.

♪ Get out of
the restaurant ♪ Aah!

♪ I want you to leave now.
♪
♪ Ah, ooh-ooh, ah!

♪ When your underpants
are streaky and your socks ♪

♪ Are smelling freaky,
get some bleach. ♪

Oh, uh, sorry.

I, uh... I just
need to get a couple things.

It's Mr. B!

Save us, please!

We don't want to watch movies,
Mr. Belcher! We want you!

Yeah, we want to, like,
cook stuff! We miss you.

Look, kids, I'm sorry.

This-this wasn't
my idea. I...

Come on, Mr. Belcher,
you got to stay.

Come on!
Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay,
children, children.

Okay, everyone, hush.
Watch the movie.

Wait.

Mr. B.

Stop it!

That's a huge waste
of popcorn.

Get out, Bob!

Caf-Co won. You're done.

Meat is done, not people!

I just felt a little tingly
there when you said that.

Listen, we can't win this war,
but maybe we can go out cooking.

What if we serve this school
one more lunch?

The Home Ec-staurant
is closed!

Everyone's already down in
the cafeteria anyway. It's over.

Yeah, they are,
so we go to them.

Let's get this chow-wagon
rollin' to Mouth Town, everyone!

I'm telling
Mr. Platt.

What do we make, Mr. Belcher?
Burgers!

Burgers, really?

Wait. That...
We don't want burgers?

No! No, no, no!
That's good. That's fine.

I thought burg...
Okay, well, we could...

No, sounds like you're
married to burgers, so...

Burgers! Thought I heard
"braised lamb shank" is all.

Great, after I bought
all those gift certificates!

Well, I can't go back
to my old job.

I burned a lot
of bridges there!

To the cafeteria!
Gene, Louise, hop on!

- Okay.
- All right.

It's the mobile
Home Ec-staurant.

Tina, how are we fixed
on dishes?

Tina? Where's Tina?

She transferred
to Metal Shop,

because her home ec teacher was
treating her like day-old bread.

Tina transferred?

Oh, my God, I-I didn't even
realize she was gone.

Wait. Everybody stop.
Which way is Metal Shop?

Look, I welded a piece of metal
to a piece of metal.

Hi. I'm Tina.

Tina!

Hello, Mr. Belcher.

What are you doing here?

Really cool things with metal.

At least I'm teacher's pet
somewhere.

No, that's Jeremy. Oh.

Tina, I'm sorry I didn't pay
enough attention to you.

I-I've never taught
a class before.

I didn't know how
to treat my own kid.

I wanted to be your
favorite student, not Zeke.

But you're already
my favorite... eldest daughter.

I can't do
anything right!

Come with us, Tina.

We're gonna serve
one last lunch, and we need you.

To wash dishes?

Yes! But you can
also do prep.

Okay.

Bye, everyone.

Bye, Jeremy.

There they are.

Nice try, Bob,

but your little food cart
escapade is over.

Don't listen to him, kids.

Keep pushing.
We need speed.

Gene, get off.

I just got
comfortable.

Get off your cushion,
and do some pushin'!

Stop!

Ramming speed!

Oh, goodness, I am
jumping out of the way. Aah!

Oh, God,
it's collapsing.

I have something
we can use... metal.

The Home Ec-staurant
is back in business.

Come and get it, Wagstaff!

(cheering and whoopi

We got burgers!

And tomatoes and onions
that I chopped,

because I'm in charge of prep.

Joceyln's doing it, too,
but I'm more in charge than her.

No, you're not.
Yeah, he said that I was.

No. No,

don't eat that!
Eat that!

We need that money!
You... You, stop chewing!

Hildy, get that food
out of his mouth!

All of you,
eat the cafeteria lunch!

Ah... forget it.

Hildy, let's go
get drunk.

What do you mean,
"Get drunk"?

Yay! We did
it, Mr. B!

This will always be remembered,
till people forget.

By the way, you guys are
all getting an A.

Oh, yeah!
Yeahh

Except for Tina.
Yay...! Oh.

A plus.
Thanks, Mr. Belcher.

It's a pass-fail class.

Oh, okay. Uh, pass plus.

Hey, you want to take a break
and get something to eat?

Belcher party of two, your
server will be right with you.

Hi. How's, uh,
everybody's day so far?

Getting better.
Fantastic.

I'll be back with some waters
and tell you about our specials.

I could really use someone like
him back at the restaurant.

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

Ooh, ah. Ooh, ah.
I'm dancing so high!

I'm dancing so high!

Someone get in here with me!

Someone get in... Oh.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Do not come in here!

Nobody come in here.

Someone threw up
in the bounce house.

Kids, kids, kids, you can't go
in the bounce house.

Someone threw up in there.

I don't know.
I don't what happened.

I don't know what...
Who wants to dance?