Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Purple Rain-Union - full transcript

(rock music playing)

♪ Yeah!

♪ Yeah!

We're Bad
Hair Day!

Thank you!

Wow!

(laughs)
Okay.

I think we know the winner
of this talent show.

But we have one
more band. Uh...

"The Ta-Ta's"?
Give it up.

Um, hello. Hello?
(microphone feedback screeching)



(monotone):
♪ We're the Ta-Ta's

♪ And we're gonna rock ya

♪ We like to cha-cha
and eat frittatas... ♪

(crowd booing)

(mumbling)
BOY: Bring back Bad Hair Day!

Oh, my face!

LINDA:
Yeah.

Uh-huh. Wait.
You want us to do what?!

No, no, no.
No way.

Debbie, no! De...

I said no, Debbie!
Good-bye!

What is Debbie's problem?!
And who is Debbie?

She's organizing my 25-year
high school reunion.

Why does that make you
so angry? Dish, girl.



Because she wants my high school
band to play there,

and I don't want to be
humiliated all over again!

Right. Your reunion.

So, are we going?
Are we not going?

I mean, I'll do whatever.

Eh, I don't think
I want to go now.

Oh, thank God!
I'm confused.

Why wouldn't they get
the other band?

You know, the one that
totally dominated you guys

at the talent show?

What were they called?

Bad Hair Day?
Aah!

Don't you speak those words
in this house!

Bad hair day. Doo!
Bad hair day. Gah!

Bad hair day.
Dat!

If you must know, Louise,

we were not
Debbie's first choice

or second or third.

I think her exact words were,

"I am desperate
and out of ideas."

Eh, I wouldn't read
too much into that.

Mom, time-out.
This is your big chance.

Don't hide your Ta-Ta's
under a bush.

You've got to get the band
back together

and play at the reunion.

Tina, shush!

Sorry, but reunions
are horrible.

High school is horrible.

I mean, it'll be fine for you.

Oh, good.

Guess Dad doesn't
want to go.

Look, it was fun when we were
just making up songs

in Angie Moscatone's garage,

but then it was horribly
ruined forever.

Like three out of five
of my sexy parts

after I had kids.
Destroyed.

(groans)
Bad Hair Day.

Whoa! Go wash the
bathroom floor!

What? No! I don't...
Go wash it!

We never wash floors!
You scrub it!

(scoffs) Play at the
reunion. (scoffs)

Who wants to be
in a band anyway?

Like I need to be laughed off
the stage again.

♪ No, thank you

♪ No, thank you!

God, I sound good!

Nobody sounds good
in the shower!

♪ I'm a Ta-Ta
and I'm gonna rock ya ♪

♪ I'm singing from the heart

♪ I still got two out of five,
I still got two out of five ♪

♪ I still got two out
of five sexy parts! Whoo! ♪

Can you believe we laughed
at her at the talent show?

We must be idiots.

They were all idiots!

I'll show 'em!

Bob, I changed my mind.

I want to go to the reunion now.
TINA: Yeah!

LOUISE: Yeah! (whoops)
BOB: Crap!

Way to go, Mom!
Celebration flush!

(toilet flushing)
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Buckle up, kids. Time to
get the band back together.

♪ We got Angie on the drums
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪

♪ We got Patsy on the bass
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪

♪ Nancy on guitar
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪

♪ And the last one
is your Aunt Gayle ♪

♪ And I know she's
gonna say yes ♪

♪ 'Cause she always loved this
band, and she's my sister! ♪

No. Oh, come on! Why not?

Because you never let me sing
any of my songs!

That's because
your songs were all so, uh...

(whispers): Sexual. Pardon?

And you had a serious
speech impediment.

I know. I wrote a song
about it called

"Ge-Ge-Ge-Ge, Ge-Ge-Ge-Ge,
Ge-Ge-Ge-Ge, Genitals."

Derek Dematopolis
will be there.

Oh. Derek Dematopolis.

Oh, oh.

TINA:
Who's Derek Dematopolis?

LINDA: Gayle had a crush on
him all through high school.

GAYLE:
He was a Greek god.

At least he wasn't a Roman
god. Those guys are jerks.

Okay, I'll do it if I get
to sing one of my songs.

Ooh... ooh... ooh...

Okay, fine!

Yay! The Ta-Ta's are back together!
(whoops)

Wait. Why are you looking
at me like that?

What's wrong?
Is this a bad idea?

No. He likes it.

I... I don't know.
He's smiling.

He looks worried.
GENE: He's on board.

You, look at me now!

We have come too far
for you to ruin this.

Oh, no. You know what?
He just has to poop.

I'll do it. (cheering and whooping)

Yay, Ta-Ta's! Oh, God. He's going.

Everybody stay
calm. (yells)

LINDA:
And...

one, a two, a three, a four.

♪ And I just want to know...

GAYLE:
Uh, Linda?

When are we going
to practice my song?

Gayle, I'm singing here!
Hello!

Yeah, okay, well, maybe I'll
sing my song quietly underneath.

Ugh.

Wow, a real
band rehearsal.

You guys,
we can be groupies!

Gene, who's
your favorite?

Nancy, 'cause
she brought guacamole.

Mine is Mom,
and not 'cause I'm biased.

It's just
I like her energy.

How about you, Louise?

Gosh, it's hard to choose.

They're all so cool.

Uh, Lin?
What?!

Sorry, it's just,
people are complaining.

Too bad!
You know, they want to know

if you guys can maybe
try tuning up again.

Or...
No!

...just play on the beat
and just do it right?

No!
All right.

Okay, we're losing
customers.

Good-bye. And a one, two,
three, four, go!

Do what?
Let's rock!

I need my sticks.
Are we starting?

(groans)

Uh, Linda? Linda?
What, Gayle?

When... (whispering):
When are we doing my song?

I found my
drum sticks.

Good. Listen, ladies,

we got to blow the roof
off of that reunion!

So let's stop fooling around
and turn this band

into a lean, mean,
mom-jeans revenge machine!

Yeah!
Mom jeans!

Wait. Mom, now your energy
is sounding a little negative.

Tina, shush!
And a one two, three, four!

(band playing loudly)

LINDA:
Yeah! That's it! Yeah!

Oh, boy.

LINDA:
Bob!

Come on, we're gonna be
late for sound check!

BOB: Just a minute!
What are you wearing?

What? It's my
rock-and-roll clothes.

Are you a rock-and-roll hobo?

Ugh, I can't believe
we don't get

to see this freak show
with our own eyes!

Yeah, sorry.
This is a grown-ups thing.

It's rated R for "really boozy"
starring me. (laughs)

Good one, Mom.

Hey, I've got something
that'll turn

those upside-down smiles
back the right way.

Me as your babysitter. Yay!

Um... Tina, about that... Yeah?

(doorbell rings)

Hello.

Mother, what is
she doing here?

Uh, Honey, you're
a great babysitter

for, like, uh,
short bursts.

You're like a cheetah.

Okay, a cheetah.
So far, so good.

But, uh... but we're gonna
be gone a long time tonight,

so we need a
long-haul sitter.

The-the boring, old,
long-haul sitter.

Sorry, Jen.
What?

Is this 'cause last time
I let Gene eat all

the Chunky Chocolate Shim Shams
and he threw up in your bed?

Yes.
And I'd do it again!

Bob! BOB: I know!

What's going on
in there?

I can't go.
Why?

I have a problem.

I told you, wipe front to back!

No, it's... this.

(screaming)

Get it out.
Get it out.

Oh, my God.

Dad's nose
got a nipple!

It's a pimple,
and it's hideous.

Look at it!
It's staring right at me!

Look, when I walk to the side
of the room, it follows me!

Are you guys done?
No!

Okay, you've had your fun,
all of you.

It's not fun.
It's humiliating.

I hate high school!

Were you messing with it? No.

Oh! Oh, God!

(grunting)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Maybe a little.

God, can a pimple
have two heads?

I can't go. I can't
go outside like this!

Try putting
masking tape on it.

Some silly putty.

I did that.
Quit stealing my thunder, Bobby.

This night isn't
about your disgusting zit.

It's about me and my big
comeback and this jacket.

I just want that thing out
of my house!

Fine, I'll go,
but we're stopping

to buy more concealer
on the way.

You're all out.
I used a lot.

If they ask, Dad, you're an autumn.

All right, I'm gonna hit
the head. See you in a bit!

Linda, you're here.
Hello, Debbie.

Well, I tried to be a good
organizer, I did, but I-I...

yeah, I couldn't get
Bad Hair Day.

Da-da-da. You're not gonna
regret this, Debbie!

No. I mean, I think
I will, but...

♪ 'Cause we're here to rock!

♪ I'm gonna be like Carrie
up on the stage! ♪

But hopefully less blood.
(laughs)

Um, did you say "Carrie"?

Yep. ♪ Bye, Debbie.

♪ I'll see you
inside! ♪ (whoops)

"Pat lightly
with finger to blend."

Whoa! (laughs)

Hello, handsome.

JEN:
I spy

with my little eye
something brown.

Is it a babysitter
who stabbed

a fellow babysitter
in the back?

Huh? Huh? Is it?
Uh, no.

It's the couch.
Oh.

Yeah, that is brown.

Um, uh, I'm gonna go...

check the pantry,
not look for Shim Shams. Bye.

Come on! We should
be at the reunion!

Watching the train wreck
of all train wrecks!

Come on, Jen, buddy,
you got a car, right?

You got a license.

You like adventure, huh?

You want to please
us, right, huh?

What do you say we drop in?

Just one quick drink,
we're out of there.

Oh, Jen, think how many things
you could spy at that reunion.

Green things, purple things,
bright things, dark things!

Come on, Jen!
I spy reunions!

Um, I'm really trying to honor
your mom's instructions.

"I'm really trying to honor
your mom's instructions."

(whispering):
I'm mocking you.

Listen, whatever she's
paying you, I'll double it,

then divide it by ten.
No, no, 20.

No. Where are the Shim Shams, Jen?!

I know you're hiding them!
Tell me!

(mutters)

(goofy, high-pitched yelling)

Whoa.

Sorry, I'm...

extremely ticklish.
I'll say.

Interesting.

Hi. Derek Dematopolis.

Oh. Hi. Uh, Bob Belcher,
Linda's husband.

Your, uh, nose is about
to fall into your drink there.

What?
Is that makeup?

No. Uh... yeah,

it is. Thanks.
Sorry about that.

It's, uh, makeup.

Wow, you've got quite
a pimple there.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. Whoa,
whoa, what are you doing?

It's okay.
I'm a dermatologist.

Derek Dematopolis,
the dermatologist?

Yup. Wow.
That is, uh...

What?
That is really...

Well, it's throbbing.
Yeah, it's been really bad for...

Yeah. Does it hurt
when I do this?

Ow! Yeah, it does.
That hurts a lot.

Did it hurt?
Yeah.

You know, Stacy works at a spa.
Hey, Stacy!

Oh, no, no, I don't want
to make a big thing...

Stacy!
Ugh!

Hello. Oh, my God,
look at that. Yeah.

(whistles) Huh? Yeah.

(laughs)
That's my pimple.

Phew! Bet you'd love to
get a whack at that thing.

Ho, ho! You know who should see
this, though, is Tonya.

BOB: No.
She might have some samples.

No, come on.
She's-she's in pharmaceuticals.

Yeah.
She's got the good stuff.

Tonya? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Get over here.
Get a load of this!

Tonya. Tonya! Did-did all of
you get jobs in skin care?!

No, I do hair plugs.
Here's my card. Thank you.

Okay, guys.

This is how we're gonna
get to the reunion.

I don't know.
She seems really ticklish.

It's weird.
At least she didn't fart.

When I get tickled, I fart,
but that's me.

Tina, the girl
took your job!

Make her armpits regret it
for the rest of their lives!

Hey, Jen. Hi.

Hey, Louise.
Do you want to do something?

I have pencils in my purse.

Oh, wow.
That's fun.

You know, we do want
to do something.

Okay. We want you to drive
us to the reunion, Jen.

And if you don't, you're gonna
get the human feather duster.

That's me.
Uh...

And you're also gonna

tell us where
the cookies are!

And you're gonna
let me eat them all

and throw up
wherever I want! Aah!

You probably
shouldn't tickle me.

Oh, playing
hardball, huh?

Tina, give her
a little taste.

Oh, really, guys.

(screams)

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Uh-oh.

Hello, alumni
of Cardinal Gennaro High.

I hope everyone's having
a good time,

and if you're not, I'd like
to see you organize something

on this budget,
in this time frame.

It's been really hard.

All right, we're about
to go on, so, set list.

We'll start
with "We're the Ta-Ta's"

and then we'll go right into
"You Were All Wrong About Us"

and then
"Oh, Boy, You All Got So Fat."

And then my song?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, if we have time.

Everybody ready?

Feel pumped?
Do you feel pumped?

I feel bloated.

Good... use it.

So, yeah, divorce is hard.

But you know what?

You get up in the morning
and you... what?

(gasps)
Oh, my goodness.

Recent developments to announce.

We thought they couldn't come,
but they're here...

our very own Bad Hair Day!

What?
Gah!

We're back where we started.

It's like the talent show
all over again, huh?

First place...
took home the gold.

And then our next gold
was a gold record!

♪ Have a PhD
in rock and roll... ♪

(sighing)
(muttering)

So, they're gonna go on
first 'cause they've got

a packed stadium show
to get to, and then

you can follow them.
That sound good?

First the famous girl band,
then you guys.

(muttering)
Great. BHD!

BHD! Linda, come on,
get into it.

(growling)
BHD, BH...

Ow, ow, ow.

♪ My family is my guitar...

So, just hold this pad here?

Oh, wait, let me take
a "before" picture.

I want to show someone at work.

Oh, no, no, no...
Got it.

Ah, okay. Oh, my
God, what's that?

I should go check on
that thing I just saw.

Hey, hey, where you going, where
you going, where you going?

Hey, hey, to Bob's pimple.

BOTH:
To Bob's pimple!

Hey, what are we
toasting over here?

Oh, my God.

♪ 'Cause we won
the talent show... ♪

(groans)

Hey, Linda,
about my song...

Not now, Gayle.

Do you know how
to juggle fire?

What if, while I'm singing,
I throw you a torch?

Oh, will you shut up
about your stupid song?

Your song's out.

We're not doing it.
What?

You said I could sing it.

Yeah, well, that was before

B-Bad Hair Day showed up.

Your song would
just make it worse.

(gasps)
My cat was right about you.

This reunion's made you nuts.

I quit.
Oh, fine, quit.

I'm gonna go fill
my purse with food

and then write some graffiti
about you in the bathroom

and then wait in the car
for you to give me a ride home.

JEN:
This is bad.

Babysitters aren't supposed

to give kids black eyes
unless...

Yeah, no, they're...
No, no, no, they're not.

I'm going to get fired.
What'll I do?

You'll probably have
to leave town,

work on a shrimp boat,
call yourself JJ.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No one has to know
about this

if you take us
to the reunion.

But won't your parents
see the black eye?

Hmm, all right,
there's only one solution.

We all have to have black eyes.

Jen has a black eye.

Tina has a black eye.

Gene has a black eye.

I have a black eye.

Who did it?
Nobody knows.

"How'd you get your black eye?"
"I don't know."

"How-How'd you get
your black eye?"

"What, do I have one?"
"Yeah."

Oh, my God, what happened?

I guess a black eye fairy came
and kissed us all on the eye.

Wait, what?

But if Jen gets in trouble,

I get to be babysitter again.

I'm back, baby.

No, no, no, Tina, Tina,
we need leverage here.

(sobbing)

(sighs)
Damn this big heart of mine.

I guess Jen shouldn't get fired.

Well, then it's time
for some punch!

(cheering)

Thank you, little people!

We're not gonna stay and mingle!

Good night!

Whoo!
Good luck, Tay-tas.

Ta-Ta's!

Right, right, right.

Give it up for Bad Hair Day.

How can you top that?

You can't.

And next up, the Ta-Ta's.

Linda, come on.

Gah, dah, gah.

Yeah, Ta-Ta's, whoo!

Oh... drunk.

Linda.

PATSY:
You should go out there.

Linda.
Get out there.

Come on, Lin,
rock and roll!

Uh...
(stammering)

(laughter)

(stammering)

Uh, be right back.

(stammering)

Linda,
are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

All right, uh, DJ?

Get out here,
pizza face.

Uh, no, thanks.
Ah, get out here.

No, I can't,
I-I should check on my wife.

Come on, it's
your night.

Ha-ha,
it's not really.

Ha, nah, I'm not
talking to you.

I'm talking
to the pimple.

Okay.

(high-pitched):
"Okay, I'm coming."

(sobbing)

ALL: Go, pimple, go,
pimple, go, pimple.

(sobbing)

That stupid... nothing...

Uh, Jen, we're gonna need
to hang a little U-ey.

(sobbing hysterically)

Hello, Mother, we'd like to give
you a ride, but you look crazy.

What? Where
are you going

and, and what happened
to you?

We all got punched,
no one knows how,

life's funny that
way. The end.

I still don't
get our plan.

Shush, Tina.
Gah!

Anyway, Mom,
where are you going?

Yeah, what happened
with the band?

Oh, it was a disaster.

Bad Dah Dah came and played
and blew everyone away.

(groans)

We would have been laughed off
the stage just like back then.

So you left?

Yeah.
You're a runaway Ta-Ta?

Yeah...

You look like you could use
some Shim Sham crumbs.

Here you go.

Oh, oh, that's good,
it makes... it's good.

Linda. Linda, listen.
Huh?

Linda, listen.
Wha...?

Huh, what?

Linda.
What, Jen?

Your band is probably bad,

but I don't let it bother me
that I'm not a good babysitter.

I have no chemistry
with children,

I don't know
how to use a "mick-rowave,"

I don't know
what "bath time" means,

but I do it 'cause I love it.

Maybe you should think
about that.

Ah...

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Derek, I'm reeling you in,
buddy!

(Derek and Bob laughing)

It's a fish!

Linda!

What?
Why are the kids here?

Do they all have black eyes?

It's babysitter stuff,
Dad, get over it.

Yeah, it's above your pay grade.

Uh, okay, I want
to come back to that

'cause none of what
you just said makes sense,

but first I want
to talk to your mother.

Lin, I know you're nervous
about going up there.

I-I was nervous
about my pimple,

but I was brave and
I came here anyway,

and I'm having the
time of my life, so...

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I already got the
inspirational speech from Jen.

Okay? That's all
right, I'm fine.

Oh, all right, well, I'm gonna
go back with my friends, then.

Hello, hey, everybody,
uh, sorry for the delay.

So we're gonna play for you,

and, uh, not all
those songs I wrote

about how fat your butts got

because this shouldn't be
about revenge.

It should be about having fun.

Sure, we might suck.

We might be total crap,
right, girls?

BAND:
Uh...

But that's okay.

We're doing it 'cause
we love it. Whoo.

And, uh, hey, uh...
shush, shush...

listen, I got
something else to say.

Back when this was just for fun,
when it was just us girls,

there was someone who I loved to
sing with more than anyone else,

and that's my sister Gayle.

Hmm?
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all you guys.

This Ta-Ta has been a real boob.

So, uh, our first song
is by Gayle.

Let's hear it for her... Gayle!

(gasps) Really?
Yes.

Oh, God, Linda,
thank you so mu...

My song, I get to do my s...

Gayle, get up here quick
while I got 'em warmed up.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Okay, okay, okay.

Here I come, aah.
Let's go.

♪ Derek Dematopolis

♪ Your neck hair makes me weak

Hey, that's you.

Yeah.
(grunts)

♪ Won't you enter my Acropolis

♪ And make my yogurt Greek?

Ooh, that's...
Hmm.

♪ Derek

♪ Derek

♪ Let's you and me make
a we-union ♪

♪ Derek, Derek

♪ Let's you and me make
a we-union ♪

LINDA AND GAYLE:
♪ Tonight...

♪ I-I

♪ Tonigh...

♪ I...

♪ I...
♪ ...ight...

♪ ...ight

♪ Tonight...
♪ Night...

♪ I-I...

♪ Ah-ah-ah,
ah-ah ♪

♪ Tonigh...

♪ I-I-I-I-I-I-I...

(vocalizing)
♪ Night

GAYLE (whispering):
♪ Tonight.

(sobbing):
Yes!

Yes...!

Wow.

Oh, thank you.

Angie, hit it.

♪ I still got my sexy parts

♪ Well, I got two out of five

♪ I still got
two out of five... ♪

LINDA:
Bye, Jen. Bye, girls.

Oh, that was fun.

(chuckles, whoops)

Oh, Bob, your zit.

I know,
best pimple ever.

Okay, if you think that thing
is coming home with us,

you're crazy.

I hope it never leaves!

No, I have to pop it for my sanity.
Sit back down.

Don't... get off me.

Hold his face.
I'm gonna give it a black eye!

Gene, get your hands off me.
I'm gonna go left

and put pressure
on the left side!

Don't touch it!
Tina, pressure on the right side.

Get your hands off me!
Hold his face,

hold it tight!
Ooh, it's so weird!

One, two, three!

(all grunt) BOB: Why am I all wet?

GENE: Oh, my God.
BOB: Why am I all wet?

TINA:
I'm sorry, Dad.

BOB:
Lin, pull over, pull over.

LINDA: Ah, quit being
such a baby, Bob,

and wipe the windshield...
it's gross.

(Bob groans)

I wonder what happened
to Gayle.

I guess she got a ride.

(both moaning)

Ow, ow, ow, you're
pulling on my neck hair.

It's mine now.

(both laugh lasciviously)

♪ This is down here
but it should be up there ♪

♪ This is kinda loose
and I think it might tear ♪

♪ This is lumpy
♪ And it's dumpy ♪

♪ This is saggy
♪ And it's flabby ♪

♪ When I bend down,
I pee a little bit ♪

♪ But it's not bad

♪ Not bad for havin'
three kids ♪

Or three cats.

These are the ones
from the song.

The song's about them...
my kids.

♪ Not bad for havin'
three kids ♪

♪ Drum, pop, drum, pop

♪ Not bad for havin'
three kids. ♪