Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 12, Episode 8 - Stuck in the Kitchen with You - full transcript

♪ ♪

♪ Thanksgiving,
it's Thanksgiving ♪

♪ And we're putting smiles
on old people's ♪

♪ Old person faces. ♪

Not that I don't want to go
to the Elegant Doily

old people's home-I mean,
I love doilies and all--

but why are we doing this
on Thanksgiving again?

Ginger went there
last Thanksgiving

and said it was very rewarding.

You know, play checkers
with old people,

let 'em pinch your cheeks,
talk about their favorite wars.



It's good to give back a little
since we have so much.

So much of what, exactly?

Napkins, maybe?
We did just stock up.

Giving back sounds nice. I wish
I could give back to Merryl,

but she left the Elegant Doily
and moved in with her boyfriend.

Do you still say "boyfriend"
when they're in their 90s?

You say "elderberry."

Plus, your father and I
will probably end up

in a home someday.

It'll be a nice little preview.

Oh, no, we'll never
be able to afford that.

I'm excited to get back home
and get cracking

on that maple glaze
for the turkey.

Man, Thanksgiving
is the best holiday.



There in the kitchen,
the excitement, the adrenaline.

Oh, yeah. You're all fun
in the kitchen on Thanksgiving.

Just, uh, getting a snack, uh...

Hot plate! Hot plate!
Out of the way!

Hey, Dad, do you think
I could...
Ask your mother!

Dinner's in 20 minutes!
Aah!

No, no, no. 30.
Aah!

So, what would you say is
the minimum amount of time

we can spend
at the Elegant Doily?

Don't you worry your
pretty little hairy neck, Bob.

We'll get you home soon so you
can start doing your cooking.

Oh, is my neck
that hairy right now?

Yeah, it's probably
time to harvest.

Yep. Just like I remembered it.

Oh, this is
where all the carpet is.

Got-dang it.
Give me my damn orange soda!

Oh, hi, Sergeant Bosco.

Are you here visiting
your very pleasant mom?

Yeah, but she won't
come out of her room.

And if Mother doesn't do
Thanksgiving activities

with her nursing home
friends today,

she'll gripe about it
all year long!

You having soda troubles?

You know,
the front's just glass.

You could smash it.
Louise.

Or shoot it.
Interesting, interesting.

Let me help you with that.

This machine is quite
the quarter gobbler.

Ooh, stretchy keys. That's fun.

Here you go.

Ah, yeah.
Get in there, fructose.

Thanks, Deirdre. Wish me luck.

Oh, you're Deirdre. I'm Linda.

We spoke on the phone.
Linda.

And this must be
your lovely family.

We prefer "hot family,"
thank you.

Well, we are thankful you're
helping us out this morning.

Follow me.
I'll get you all set up.

Oh, I left the hard candies
in the car.

Old people still like
hard candy, right?

They love to unwrap them
whenever it's very quiet.

You go ahead.
I'll catch up. I'll catch up.

You will be helping out with

a very important
Thanksgiving job:

making the paper turkey
decorations.

Gotcha. Do you want sturdy
turkeys or flirty turkeys?

Deirdre, it's Paul.

Mr. Thompson said that you said

that he didn't have to
wear pants on holidays.

No, I said always pants
all the time.

Disagree.
Hi. How are you?

Nice... nice turkey.

You worry about
your own turkey, fella.

You want me to carry you?
I could.

I've been doing
several push-ups a day

before I take a shower.

Probably against the sink.

Yeah, against the sink. So what?

Hi. I couldn't help overhearing
your loud conversation.

Seems like someone
doesn't want to join

all the Thanksgiving fun.

I'm Linda.
My family's here today,

giving back-no big deal.

So, can I help?
My son has a gun.

Don't mess with us.
Mother.

Do you want two pounds
of hard candy?

Take the candy.
Get rid of the lady.

Close the door.

I'm having real trouble

making turkey waddles
that don't look like testicles.

Me, too.
Come on! Come on!

Is that Zeke?

Is he wrestling his grandma?

Ah, come on!
Hey, Zeke.

Hey, Tina, girl.

Louise. G-man.
Doctor.

Did your grandparents
move in here or something?

Tell 'em to watch out--
the hazing process is crazy.

Nah, we're making paper turkeys
with testicles on their chins.

Oh, cool.
What are you doing?

Every year, my grandma
and the other elders watch

the OMG Mall Group Thanksgiving
Day Parade on the TV.

Oh, the OMGMGTDP?
I love that parade.

Yeah, but the cable's out.

Did you fix the cable yet, Zeke?

Sorry, Grandma.

I'm giving it all I got,
but it's just not enough.

I'm sorry, everyone.

We're not gonna be able
to watch the parade this year.

Oh, no.

Man, that's a lot of frowning.

And new wrinkles, I bet.
Dang it!

I wish I was a wizard
so I could give these angels

the parade they deserve.

No OMGMGTDP on TGD? That's BS!

It would be nice
to do something nice.

Maybe that's how we could do
our giving back-ing.

Maybe we could try to do
some kind of entertainment?

Not a parade, but like a parade?

These people want a parade,
specifically.

They do have parade face.

Hmm, we know they've got
some basic art supplies,

and we've got our charisma.

And a deep knowledge
of the American songbook.

Are we doing a parade?
I think we're doing a parade.

Well, I'm here all day.

And I've cut enough
turkey face testicles

for a lifetime, so I'm in.

Good thing I brought
my bass drum.

Guess what, everyone.
The parade is back on.

Not on TV, though.

Oh, boy. Tough crowd.

Your turkey is...
I would just start over.

Oh, my God.

Hi. Can you cook
lots of food? No?

Hey. Feel like cooking
a ton of food? No?

Can anyone here cook
lots of food?

Um, I can.

So, yeah,
our cook had to step out

for just a few minutes--
probably more.

Her water broke.

She's in labor--
at the hospital.

And it turns out
our other cook is the father,

so he's probably out
for the day as well.

So there's no one to cook
all of this food

for the whole place.
Right.

On Thanksgiving.
Yes.

Well, I'm happy to do it.
Really?

I mean, even if you just
made the turkey

and maybe mashed potatoes,
that would be amazing.

Sure. Sure.
Yeah, I think I can handle it.

I-I actually have a restaurant.

That's incredible.
We are so lucky.

Well, we're not
a popular restaurant.

Neither are we.
We-we don't make
a lot of money.

Neither do I.
Anyway, thank you.

Hi, kitchen. I'm-I'm Bob.

Uh, let's get into it.

No, that sounded lame.
Sorry, kitchen.

It's okay.

You're cooking Thanksgiving?
For the whole place?

I know! I'm like the guy in
the audience who can play guitar

and the band says,
"Can anyone play guitar?"

And I go onstage,
and it's amazing.
Yeah, it's just like that, Bob.

We can have our own dinner
at home a little late, right?

Sure, but just
keep it simple in there.

You know how you get
on Thanksgiving.

You get a little amped up.

What do you mean?
I'm amped down.

You're gonna need some help.
I'll come soon.

Sergeant Bosco's mom and I
are just starting to hit it off.

When will she leave?

Wait, aren't the kids with you?

No. They left me
with the paper turkeys

and a guy who was kind of mean.

All right, I got to go.

Knifey's ready to get dicey.

You want us to be in the kitchen

cooking with Dad
on Thanksgiving?

No, thank you very much.

He doesn't want anyone
in the kitchen

with him on Thanksgiving.
He's a lone wolf.

But slightly more hairy
and more vicious.

Okay, I know
your father can be...

A Thankszilla?
A Thankszilla.

But at least one of you needs to
go in there and help out, okay?

Ugh. Fine. Hand farts?

Weakest one goes with Dad?
Yeah.
Sure.

No!
Yes.
Ha!

I've been practicing.

Damn these tiny hands!

I don't want to cook
with Thankszilla.

Y'all hand-farting?
I like to hand-fart.

Dad? Mom told me to come in here

to help you--
in a kitchen, on Thanksgiving.

Thoughts? Concerns?
Oh, okay. Great.

Oh, you don't seem so excited.

Maybe I should just go.

No, no, I mean,
I probably do need the help.

And it could be fun.
Also, I feel like

I got a good handle
on everything, schedule-wise.

I guess, in a way, I've been
training my whole life for this.

So, there's potatoes
for mashed potatoes.
Good eye.

I found sausage,
so we'll make sausage stuffing.

There's turkey breasts.
Put a bra on those.

There's green beans.
There's cranberry sauce.

Oh, you're probably
gonna want a headband,

'cause we're in
the eye of the storm.

Settle down, tiger.
Hey.
They have one of these.

Whoa, what's that?
Some kind of kitchen gun?

Sort of. It's a torch used
for finishing crème brûlée.

It shoots fire
when you press this button.

Let me see,
let me see, let me see.

Hey, you know, I was gonna make
sweet potato casserole,

and we could use this to brown
the marshmallows on top.

A gun that makes fire?
Yes, please.

Should we make fire
with it right now?

No, we have lots to do
before that.

But, tell you what,
how would you like

to be Captain Casserole
and learn how to make it?

Does, uh, Captain Casserole
get to shoot the fire gun?

She does, eventually.
Then call me Captain.

Wait, do I outrank you?
Oh, that's embarrassing.

Uh-oh.
Now we're behind schedule.

Uh, let's kick it in gear, okay?

You-you sure you don't
want a headband?

Ooh, you know,
I hear that all the cool seniors

are hanging out
in the rec room today.

You want to go check out
that scene? I do.

No! I'm not going
until Gary calls.

Who's Gary?

My brother.
My other son.

That's it, I'm carrying you out.

What? No.
Uh, Sergeant Bosco,

would you come look at
these pretty flowers with me?

I bought those.
I've already seen 'em.

Come on.

Okay, this is not going great.

Don't you do
hostage negotiations?

This is a hostage
negotiation, right?
I guess.

So, what's the first step
in one of those?

Establish a rapport
to gain their trust.

Hello. She's your mother.

Right, so too late for that.

Well, well,
wh-what's after that?

Asking open-ended questions
to give them a sense of control

and feel them out.

Okay. All right.

So, Lillian, do you like

open-ended questions?
No.

That's a closed-ended
question, Linda.

Oh, right.

How are the sweet potatoes
coming?

Good, but I should check
the marshmallows,

make sure they're ripe.

Mmm. Tough to tell. Mmm!

No eating, more peeling.

Oh, they have brussels sprouts.
I can roast those.

Wait, you want to add
another dish?

Yeah, it'll complement
the stuffing.

If we hustle, we can do it.

Okay, I'm gonna need you
to shift from

sweet potato casserole duty
to brussels sprouts.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm Captain Casserole.

I took an oath.

I need you to wash these.
Feels like a demotion.

Really get in there,
and-and hurry.

How's it going in here?

Eh.
Going great.

Welcome to the
Almost OMG Mall Group

Thanksgiving Day Parade.

We've got a hell of a show
for you today.

Let's go to Tina,
who's on the parade route. Tina?

Thank you. I'm here with
a very special person, Ruth.

Ruth, where did you
travel from today?

Room 3.
Wow.

And you, Zeke's grandma?

Room 9.
That's so far.

Gene, tell me where
the parade's gonna go today.

Well, we're gonna start
over here by the bookcase.

We're gonna run around the room,
and then we're gonna stop.

It should take
about three hours.

Good news. The cream of tartar
was just hiding,

so we can make biscuits
from scratch.

How's the chopping coming?
Pretty good.

You got to line 'em up just so,

and then... hi-ya!

Oh.
That's the best one so far.

Oh, my God. Those should
really be in the oven.

Here, let me take that.
Hey, I was just...

You don't say "hi-ya" at all?

Uh, you know what?

Louise, why don't I chop
the rest of these?

We can use a couple
of the ones you chopped.

Crap. I gotta preheat the oven.

Louise, watch out.
Sorry, I need to get through.

And there's Thankszilla.
What? Huh?

Nothing. I'm just gonna
go to the bathroom.

I'll let you know how it goes.
Okay, great.

Come out of your room
and go join your friends.

I repeat, go join your friends.

I'm not leaving
until Gary calls.

Gary, Gary, Gary.
Eh, I give up.

What? No, no giving up.

Tell me more about Gary.
I'll tell you.

He's a big-shot
tanning salon owner

who won't visit his mother
on Thanksgiving

even though he lives
ten minutes away!

And he changed
his Netflix password.

That's terrible.

Why won't Gary visit you?

Well, this one would tell you

it's because
I'm a mean old lady.

What? No.

That's not true.
No, it is.

You'd be a mean old lady, too,

if your kids didn't visit you

and you're shivering
all the time

because it's freezing in here!

Just wait, Linda.
It'll happen to you, too.

No, it won't.

It is chilly in here, though.

Oh, my God,
it's already happening!

Oh, Bob, I'm gonna be
a grumpy old lady,

and you probably will, too.

What are... what are you
talking about?

The kids aren't gonna visit us

when we're in an old folks' home

'cause we'll be grumpy and cold.

Okay, that-that might not
be a today problem.

How are you doing in there?
Is Louise helping you?

"Help" is a strong word,
but yeah.

I mean, wait a minute. She was.

She might have left.

Oh, my God, see?

They don't want to be with us.

It's already happening.

She just went to the bathroom,
I think. She's coming back.

You're keeping it simple,
right, Bob?

You're not going crazy in there?

Simple-ish.

Bob, if Louise comes back in,
take it extra easy with her.

We want our kids to visit us
when we live here.

We still can't afford it,
but I'll be...

easy like Sunday morning--
you know, Thursday morning.

I'm leaving. I'm gonna go
arrest somebody else's mom

and pretend it's you.

Bob, I got to go.
Get Louise, but go easy.

All right, I need everyone
to imagine

we're Shriners
driving tiny cars.

Beep-beep!

Louise!
Uh-oh. He found me.

Hey, Dad.
We're Shrining.

I was totally headed
to the kitchen,

but now I got to drive
this tiny car.

Yeah, but maybe you can,
um, come back.

We'll definitely keep
having fun like we were before

and, uh, maybe even more fun.

I mean, I'd love to,
but there's that rule

that you can't have less than
four Shriners cars in a parade.

Shriners three cannot be.

Just waiting on those other
tiny cars.

Here I come.

Look at all these smiling faces.

I-I-I got to go.

Also, you got to go,

because there's a lot of things
unwatched right now.

Ugh. Fine. I'm coming.

I don't even know why
he wants me in there anyway.

Apparently, I'm not doing
anything right.

Uh-oh. Shriner pileup.

But if he kicks me out,
then I'm free.

Yes! I'm going to be
such a bad cook

that Thankszilla will banish me
from Kitchenland in no time.

Ha!
Okay, time to Shrine, Gene!

Feel that tiny car energy!

Okay, time to baste the breasts.

Do you want me
to leave you guys alone?

It's actually
a really important job, Louise.

We use the baster
to suck up the juices

and then evenly
distribute them like so.

Got it. Let me take
a whack at this.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, whoops.
Did I get it?

Uh, nope, but I'm easy
like Thursday morning.

Oops.
Missed the meat completely.

Oh, that must be
so frustrating for you.

Why don't you try again?

I'm-I'm very relaxed about
all this cooking stuff.

Okay.

Whoa. Missed again.

Boy, you should need
a license for this thing.

Good job. That's done.

Okay, uh, let's, uh, keep going.

Uh, look at all
that stuff we're making.

Over there.
Oh, great.

Just closing the oven.

Oh, and now I'm being told

some really cool marching band
is ready to perform.

Good for them.
Two, three, four.

Just imagine
the thousands of hours

they must have practiced
for this very day.

Are you kidding me?
They got a flag waver?

Hot damn.

Wow, if I was watching this,
I'd be impressed.

And what the huh?

A gymnastics squad?

All right, how about you stir
the cranberry sauce?

I'm gonna use this guy.

This is good
for stirring, right?

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Ooh, this one's bigger.

Let's use you.

Uh, that wooden spoon
looks like fun.

And now, no parade
can be complete

without a song from
a hit Broadway musical.

Get ready for some singing!

One, two, three, four!

♪ Here we are on Broadway ♪

♪ It's a street but also
a place with musicals ♪

♪ Like Oklahoma ♪

♪ That's a state
but also a musical ♪

♪ And Rent,which is a musical ♪

♪ And also a thing
you have to pay ♪

♪ The end. ♪
♪ Oh, end. ♪

Oh, God. We bombed.

They're just giving us
grandparent claps.

To be fair, we told them
this was a parade,

and we didn't have
any floats or balloons.

And very little parading.
It's true.

They could probably
press charges.

Floats and balloons.
Gosh darn it,

we need to do
floats and balloons somehow.

It's Thanksgiving, and we're

supposed to be doing
the giving part.

The Garfield balloon himself
couldn't have said it better.

Uh, guess what. We're not done.

Actually, this was the finale
before the finale.

The pre-finale.
The pre-nale.

So don't go anywhere.
This parade will be right back.

With floats and balloons.

Oh, okay.
All right.

We don't have
any of those things.

We're definitely getting sued.

Okay, so just keep stirring
the green beans like this

so they don't burn,
but also you want

to keep them spread out
so they cook evenly.

Got it. So, like this, Papa?

Is this good?

Is this spread out enough?

Mm-hmm. Kind of.

I hadn't thought
of doing it that way.

Just a big pile
all the way over to the side.

Oh, that cutting board's
gonna fall. Go catch it.

How about we race to where
your friends are, huh?

I bet you a dollar I'm faster.

Gary could beat you.

He keeps in shape.

Unlike Mr. Orange Soda
over here.

Eats like a five-year-old.

That's it!

Lillian, stop talking about your
precious Gary who isn't here.

Sergeant Bosco is here

visiting you,
bringing you flowers.

And you've got friends
down the hall somehow,

though it's hard to imagine.

So why don't you spend
Thanksgiving

with people who want
to spend it with you?

I'm gonna go find my kids.

And the only reason
they won't visit me

in a nursing home
when I'm old is

'cause I won't be able
to afford to live in one.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I don't know where
she's getting any of that.

I'm on your side.

Okay, the turkey needs
a couple more minutes.

Same with the brussels.
And you're holding the pickles

above the mashed potatoes.
Uh, I'll just take that.

Yeah, if you don't like flavor.

Looks like some pickle juice
might have fallen in.

Hopefully not.

The sweet potato casserole
should be ready.

And now it's time
to brown the marshmallows.

Oh, yes!

The fire gun. Let's do this.

Captain Casserole
reporting for duty.

Oh, uh, it's just that we only
get one shot at this, Louise,

and if we don't get it right,
it's ruined,

so I-I'd better just do it.

And also, you know,
it's not that fun.

What? No, I can be
really careful!

Dad, come on. I was being bad
at cooking on purpose.

Let me do it, please.

You-you... you were
being bad on purpose?

Yes. So you would kick me out.

You wanted me to kick you out?

Yeah. I did before,
but now I don't.

Why would you do that?

Let's talk about it after
you give me that thing.

No, definitely not.

I'm doing this.

Since you don't want
to be here so badly

that you'd purposely mess up the
most beautiful meal of the year.

None of us wanted
to be in here.
What?

The only reason I'm here
at all is because

I had the softest hand fart.

I-I don't know what that means,

but I'm just gonna finish
everything else myself.

Fine! That's clearly
how you wanted it

from the beginning,
you Thankszilla.

Bye. Bye!
Bye.

I imagined that door slamming.

I'm just gonna say it. Slam!

This is beautiful. You kids.

Uh, don't blow your nose
on the toilet paper.

We need it for the float.
Oh.

This is supposed to be a float?

If you really squint
and then shut your eyes.

Louise, you're not helping
in the kitchen?

Nope. I'm back.
What are we doing?

We're aiming for the moon
is what we're doing.

Or at least to get that one guy
to stop snoring at us.

Hi, turkey.
It's just me in here now.

God, you're even more beautiful
than you were five minutes ago.

Yeah, because you cooked me
perfectly

and you're a great chef
and a great father

and also unconventionally
handsome.

Thanks. Uh, you didn't
have to say all that.

Hey, I wasn't even
gonna be a dish,

and now look at me.
Thank you.

You're welcome,
brussels sprouts.

I do very much enjoy cooking
Thanksgiving dinner.

And you're so good at it.

Thanks, green beans.

But honestly, I-I might not be

the easiest to be around
in the kitchen on T-Day.

Are you kidding?

I love being in the kitchen
with you on T-Day, Bob.

And I love calling it T-Day.

I-I don't know,
mashed potatoes.

I feel like maybe you guys
are just kind of

telling me what I want to hear.

No, we love you.
You're the best.

Leave your family, Bob.
We'll run away together.

I mean, that might be nice

for a little while, stuffing,

but I don't want
to run away with food.

You should.
We could make you happy, Bob.

This is getting weird.

I-I think I'd better
go talk to Louise.

I'm just gonna put some foil
over you guys real quick.

No, no, no!

Shh. No, it's okay.

You guys need to stay warm.

Is this collection
of inflated rubber gloves

the best parade balloon ever?

No, but is it a parade balloon?

Probably.
Hi, guys.

Louise, can we talk?
Sorry, we're busy.

Just for a sec.
Uh, I'm in the float zone, Dad,

so unless you're a float
or a balloon, I don't see you.

Can't tell.
Can't tell if we got there,

but gosh darn it,
it's too late to stop now,

'cause we're rolling!

Bye, Dad. Hee-yah!

How about a totally sincere
round of applause for the float?

The theme is:
a mountain of medical supplies.

Look at all the things
they got on that thing.

And how about
these glove balloons, huh?

Eat your heart out,
giant Snoopy.

I'm still light-headed
from blowing these up.

Oh, so full of air,
those balloons.

Uh, and I'm another balloon.

Do what?

What's that balloon
supposed to be?

Oh, um...
Ignore him.

He's not really in the parade.
He's the chef.

The mean chef who works alone.

Um, my balloon is
a-a character named...

Sorry, Louise.

Sorry Louise? Is that Pixar?

What the hell is this?

Aw, Lillian, you left your room.

Kind of regret it now.

Hey, Lillian.
Hi, Ernie.

What's this crap show?

The TV's broken,
and then I had a great nap.

Louise, hey.

I-I really want
to say something.

Uh, I'm sorry I was
a little bit of a Thankszilla.

I really did want you
to be in the kitchen with me

and maybe even to teach you
a few things.

You know, I pictured us
bustling around in there,

high-fiving with spatulas,

but I was way too much of a cook
and not enough of a dad.

Well, I guess
I was kind of a jerk, too.

Sorry. For what it's worth,

every other day of the year,
you're a pretty great dad.

Though you're kind of
a monster on Easter, too.

And Russian May Day.

Do parades normally
talk this much?

Let's give it up for the
Sorry Louise balloon over here.

Late entry. Crowd favorite.

Wow.

What an amazing parade.
You loved it.

We gave back. It counts.
You're welcome.

Uh-oh, the wind's blowing
this balloon off course.

Look out.

Oh, I was wondering where
all the medical supplies went.

God, I freaking love
Thanksgiving.

Aw.

Hey, Louise,
there's one more thing

I need your help with
in the kitchen.

What's that?

Captain Casserole!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

♪ Captain Casserole flings
her fiery fire flame ♪

♪ And makes other
kitchen helpers look so lame ♪

♪ With her million-degree
super butane torch ♪

♪ All marshmallows
will soon be scorched ♪

♪ After Captain Casserole
flings her fiery flame ♪

♪ Captain Casserole flings
her fiery fire flame ♪

♪ Every single marshmallow
will be maimed ♪

♪ With a thousand degrees
of butane blast ♪

♪ She'll knock marshmallows ♪

♪ Right on their ♪

♪ After Captain Casserole
flings her fiery flame. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.