Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - Seven-tween Again - full transcript

♪ ♪

GENE: So we got to find

pretend jobs for this
Life Skills project?

ALEX: Yup.

- And a pretend apartment?
- Uh-huh.

- And make a pretend budget?
- Mm-hmm.

Why is school always
trying to teach us stuff?

I mean, when you and I grow up
and become famous robo-DJs...

Half-human, half-robot...

We can hire full robots to
do our life skills stuff for us.

We don't need
this type of training.



I like this project.
Pretend budget money?

We can pretend-buy
whatever we want.

Like toothpaste,

but a kind with sugar in it.

Oh, is there a
sugary toothpaste?

There is if you add sugar to it.

LINDA: Oh, there
goes another one.

Look at the hair,
look at that bounce.

Ever since that hair
salon opened up next door,

you think every woman
walking by just came from there.

She did. I can tell.

She's got that "I
just got my hair done

at a fancy salon" walk.

If you're so curious
about that place,



why don't you just go in?

Get a trim or whatever.

Their-their least
expensive trim.

I can't.

Gretchen's been
doing my hair for years,

and I would never.

- Okay.
- I don't even want her

to know I'm looking,
which I'm not.

Gretchen knows if you
so much as got a trim

in the last year
from someone else.

Haven't seen you
in a while, Georgia.

- Your bangs look nice.
- Oh, thanks.

- Who did this?!
- It was nothing, it was nothing.

- It was a-a tiny trim. I was...
- Out! Out!

- Get out of my chair!
- Aah!

Okay, Linda. You're up.

Besides, uh, I like
going to Gretchen's,

even though sometimes
she smokes a cigarette

right before she does my hair

and it makes my hair
smell like cigarettes.

And one time she cut my ear,

but she pretended
it was already cut.

She called it my
"bleeding ear problem."

I mean, she's great!

(chuckles): I-I'm-I'm
perfectly happy.

I-I don't think
she can hear you.

You never know.

(Gene screams)

Wha... What's the matter?

- What's the matter, sweetie?
- Are you okay, Gene?

Pube...!

- Huh.
- I think that's a chest hair,

not technically a pube,

unless you have
a really long crotch.

Thanks a lot, Tina.

I bet I caught puberty
from you. (grunts)

I'm not ready to be an adult!

Before you know it, I'm gonna
be a pile of dust and bones

holding onto an electric
saxophone probably!

As if the Life Skills thing
at school wasn't enough,

now my own sweet body
is telling me to grow up.

Go away, pube. I
don't want a 401(k)!

- Aw, Gene.
- It's not a pube.

You know, Gene,
besides the body hair

and pimples and armpit odor

and mood swings and
neck sweat, puberty's great.

Why is Gene's pube gray?

Even my puberty is
growing up too fast!

Hmm. That didn't
put up much of a fight.

- Aah!
- It's a match: old man gray.

Oh... Dad's chest hair must
have stuck on me this morning

when I gave him his
surprise shower-hug.

It's not really a surprise when
you do it every single day.

Oh, thank God I'm
not pube-ing out.

I'm still a beautiful baby boy.

Yes, you are.
(kissing noises) Yeah.

Actually, you're a tween.

Not a boy, not yet a woman.

I'm not "tween" anything.

I'm securely in
the child column.

Mother, I'm gonna need
extra chicken at dinner.

This shook me to my core.

I thought I lost you, smoothie.

ALEX: So, I made a
pretend grocery list.

And I started looking
for our dream apartment:

two bedroom, one
bathroom and water slide.

We can meet at my house
every day after school

this week and build
our dream lives.

I can't believe
you're enjoying this.

- I'm freaking out!
- It's not so bad.

You're not the one
who had the pube scare.

Our childhoods are zipping
by, and we're just expected

to wake up one day
and put on big-boy pants?

I hate pants!

We're getting
graded on this, so...

- how's the fake job hunt going?
- Did you hear me, Alex?

I had an almost-pube!

I haven't had time to job-hunt.

You should check out the job
board at the community center.

That's where I found my
pretend telemarketing gig,

which pays nine
big ones an hour,

plus a small commission,

whatever that means. I
assume it means gold.

(groans) Fine.

I'll go look at the job board,

but I'm not gonna
just settle for anything.

I need full benefits and
12 weeks of vacation.

I know what I'm worth.

Well, time to grow up, I guess.

You two should head home.

Louise, you still
have your youth.

Get out there and just be a kid.

And, Tina, it's
too late for you.

But take care of Louise as
you trudge towards death.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Landscaping? Construction?

Those sound so outside-y.

Grocery store is hiring,
but they drug-test.

- Oh, hi, Gus.
- Looking for work, eh?

It's for a dumb school project
to prepare us for adulthood.

But I want to be, like Sir
Rod Stewart once said,

- "Forever, forever young."
- I hear you.

The best way to stay
young is to do young things.

That's why I started doing yoga.

Now I can touch my knees.

And everything at the community
center is donation-based.

That means it's free.

- Who's ready for fun?
- (kids cheering)

Buckle up, the Kids Club train

is about to blast
off, honk-honk!

Lot of mixed metaphors,
but love her energy.

Those lucky little bastards.

Let's get the wiggles out
before story time starts.

Hmm. Kids Club.

(all babbling)

Oh, hello. Uh, um...

Are you looking for swimming?

I think they usually
do it in the pool.

Uh, I think I'm
supposed to be here?

Oh. Um, what's your name?

- Gene.
- Hi, Gene.

I'm Miss Erica. Gene, Gene.

I don't see you on my roster.

Did your parents sign you up?

Um, yeah, like a second ago.

Well, then it's just
not in the system yet.

How, um, old are you, Gene?

Oh, I am... this many.

You're seven? Wow.

Somebody's eating
all their veggies.

Ha, no.

It's just, you're such
a big boy for seven.

- Very big.
- Thank you?

Do you have any
wiggles to get out?

Do I! My wiggles have wiggles.

- (kids babbling)
- (Gene yelling)

Yay! I'm young again!

- (entry bell jingles) -
Gene, where were you?

Why are you so late?

You did spend an awful long time

looking at that community
center job board.

So, what'd you pick?
I was a dog walker

for my sixth grade
Life Skills pretend job.

I raked in eight fake bucks
an hour walking fake dogs.

- And I only got fake bit twice.
- Yup, uh...

that's the job I picked,
too, dog walker.

And I'll be at Alex's
house after school

all this week, working
on the Life Skills project,

no need to check
in. (laughs nervously)

I'm not acting weird.

O-Okay...

Hey, Gene, how about you,
uh, come over and catch up

on your restaurant work?

Of course, I love
restaurant work.

Okay, what's going on?

Nothing. What's
going on with you?

This is a great conversation.

Why do you have
glitter on your chin

and feathers sticking
out of your backpack?

- I got a job at Pickles?
- The strip club?

- It's a gentlemen's revue.
- Gene.

All right, fine, I
was at Kids Club.

Kids Club? Isn't
that for little kids?

Exactly.

I said I was seven, and
I just got to be young,

dumb, and full of fun.

Didn't anyone notice
that you don't at all

- look like a seven-year-old?
- How dare you?

Age is in the eye of
who's lying about it.

Actually, the hardest part
was getting signed out.

Gene, buddy. We can't let
you leave without an adult.

An adult?

Uh, hey, silver fox
father coming out of yoga.

- Get over here.
- Uh, oh, o-okay.

You got Gus to pretend to
be your dad and sign you out?

He was so loose from that yoga,
he would have signed anything.

Look, pal, I don't care how
you blow off your fake job,

but I don't like Tina
having to cover for you

at your real job 'cause then
she doesn't cover for me as well.

- So get wiping.
- I will.

But first, check this out.

I call it Feather Glitter Glue,

and everyone said it
was the best name ever.

That's how easy it is
to be a seven-year-old.

G'day, mate. Roommate.

You pumped about
coming over after school

and getting into some
heavy duty budgeting?

Oh, um, sorry, Alex.

I can't. Still got
to find a dang job.

You can't buy fake
Ding Dongs and Ho Hos

with no fake dough-dough,
right? (chuckles)

Okay.

(bell jingles)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Bob.

- They're in here. That's them.
- Who?

The hair people
who work next door.

Don't look at 'em, don't look.

But don't we want
to serve them food?

Fine, I'll take their order.

You can do this, Linda.

- Do you want me to take...
- No, I can do it.

Uh... h-hi, hello.

Uh, can I take your order?

We'll have one Burger of the
Day and fries to share. Thanks.

Y-You work at
Frolicles, don't you?

Yeah, I'm the receptionist.
She's the shampooer.

You know, can I just say
that your hair is amazing?

- So is yours.
- Mm. It is.

You should come in
sometime. Yvonne can fix that.

She could totally fix that.

Fix what? Who's Yvonne?

Yvonne is the stylist.

- And a visionary.
- Oh!

Yeah, you're what Yvonne
would call a "caterpillar head."

- She can turn you into a butterfly head.
- (chuckles)

You know what, Yvonne has
an opening Thursday at 3:00.

I'm gonna give it to you
because you deserve it.

And you can get the friends
and neighbors discount.

Caterpillar head,
Thursday at 3:00. Okay.

- Wha... Uh, I-I don't know.
- You're in. You're booked.

Yvonne's gonna change your life.

Get used to it. Get ready.

You're speechless, you
don't know what to say.

- We do need food, though.
- Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, okay.

What just happened?

Are you gonna get amazing
hair and then leave me?

- I don't know.
- Well, you won't make it far,

because Gretchen will hunt you
down and then she'll murder you.

- I know. Oh, God, she's here.
- (door opens, bell jingles)

Oh, it's Tina and Louise.

(panting): Hi, girls.

Why are you ducking
behind the counter?

- That's fun.
- Where's your brother?

- Oh, right, he's at Alex's.
- He better be at Alex's.

Leaving us... mostly
you... Doing all his work.

I'm sure he got all the Kids
Club stuff out of his system.

How long can an 11-year-old
boy play with blocks?

I love blocks!

- That's so tall.
- I know.

But not too tall for
the Hand Monster.

- (roars)
- (chuckles)

Gene, do you want
to do clay with me?

Clay? I'll never
say nay to clay.

(grunting softly)

- You're my best friend.
- Aw.

A little quick, but
sure, why not?

Okay, everybody, who's
ready for parachute time?

- Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
- Parachute!

- (gasps) - ♪ All the
colors of the rainbow ♪

♪ Blow down onto my mind ♪

♪ I'm gonna sit on my behind ♪

♪ Until it's time for me ♪

♪ To play with you ♪

♪ I remember when my life ♪

♪ It used to be ♪

♪ Nothing but simplicity ♪

♪ It was naptime ♪

♪ That was the time ♪

- ♪ That I would close
my eyes. ♪ - ALEX: Gene?

- GENE: Still sleeping here.
- Gene!

Alex! Hi, uh...

Why are you in Kids Club?

(whispers): Lower
your voice, it's naptime.

Gene, buddy, uh...

where are you
going, and who is this?

Oh, uh, this is just a kid
who lives across the street.

- He babysits me sometimes.
- Mm.

Well, please don't
leave the room.

And let's use our
nap voices, 'kay?

What are you doing here?

I came here to look
at the job board again

and see if I could nail
something down for you,

and I heard you snoring.

- You know my snore?
- Yes.

- That's really sweet.
- What are you doing here?

I signed up for
after-school Kids Club.

I'm reliving my youth.

Wait, so you've been flaking
on our project to do this?

I'm sorry, Alex. I just
really like the vibe in here.

It's very low stress.

Miss Erica even helps me
tie my shoes sometimes.

And as you know, I am
not a strong shoe-tier.

Well, what about
the Life Skills project?

You're supposed
to be my roommate.

What about making a budget?

I'm not ready for budgets.

- I do blocks now.
- Gene.

- Want to pretend we're puppies?
- Give me a second, Ryder.

- But probably, yes.
- I'm Gene's best friend.

The hell, Gene? You know what?

I think we should have
a roommate breakup.

I'm gonna talk to Ms. Twitchell

about getting a studio
apartment for one.

- Fine.
- Okay, well, have fun with Ryder.

Uh, we're playing
puppies, so, yeah,

I'm gonna be having fun.

(both barking)

Bad dog, Gene. Bad dog.

TINA: (whistles) Talk about
coloring inside the lines.

I know, my coloring
game is incredible.

And sure, Alex has a right

to be a little annoyed
that I've been skipping

all of our after-school
be-a-dumb-adult project time,

but I wish he would
see that I'm living

my best seven-year-old
life right now.

Uh, except that you're 11.

- Just like Alex.
- That's ageist.

And guess who else
has a right to be annoyed?

I had to delegate so much
work to Tina today, I'm exhausted.

- Yeah, I'm kind of tired, too.
- Tina, it's not all about you.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I need this.

And it's totally worth it.
Tomorrow's a big day.

We're making slime.

Uh, and it's your last
chance to work with Alex

on the project before
it's due Friday, right?

Alex will be fine.

He's gonna talk to Ms. Twitchell

and do a solo no
roommate a-dull-t project.

But won't you get an "F"?

And get sent back
to second grade?

- I hope so.
- Gene, no.

But if you do get sent
back to second grade,

I think I left my pencil
in that classroom.

Will you keep an eye out for it?

It's yellow and it has
a number two on it.

RYDER: Gene, Gene, Gene.

Do you want to
play clay with me?

Uh, I'm kind of doing slime.

You know, 'cause it's slime day.

Play clay with me.

Maybe later, 'kay, Ryder?

You're a poo-poo head.

That's not technically
true, Ryder.

- Um, Becca, that's my slime.
- Mine!

I mean, I can
give you a little bit.

- (grunting)
- Aah!

- Whee!
- Uh-oh, Mess Patrol.

♪ Clean the mess, tidy up ♪

♪ Yes Mess Patrol... ♪

Singing doesn't help in
this particular situation!

Okay, it's time for my
appointment with Yvonne.

Okay, have fun.

I'm just gonna
have her touch it up.

- It's no big deal.
- (bell jingles)

- (both gasp)
- Gretchen!

What are you doing
hair... I mean here?

- (chuckling nervously)
- LOUISE: Nice.

Oh, I just came in to say hi,

have a little lunch.

That's good, 'cause we
have lunch. That's our thing.

Yeah. I haven't seen
you in a while, Linda.

Let's catch up, girl talk.
You can talk, too, Bob.

- Looking good, by the way.
- Uh, th-thanks, Gretchen.

- Hey, were you going somewhere?
- No...

I just like to move
my purse around

every once in a while.

Okay, that's enough.
Here comes the apron.

So, new salon next door, huh?

Wha... Where? A salon?

- Yeah, oh, yeah, I hardly noticed.
- They're fancy.

Looks like they
sweep up all the hair.

La-di-da.

Listen, I know
they're right next door

and their scissors aren't rusty

and their combs
have all their teeth

and they don't have flies,

but please don't
ever go there, okay?

Yeah, no, of course
not. Yeah, no. Yuck. Oof.

I don't even want to think
about you going there.

I just go to a dark place.

A dark, dark place.

Oh, uh, the spoon!

Plus, can you even
imagine what they'd do

to your reverse cowlick and
your swirly thing in the back

and your stubborn grays and
your bleeding ear problem?

- They don't know you.
- Uh...

Burger of the Day sound good?

Let me walk this order
back to Bob in the kitchen.

Uh, you can just hand
it to me. I'm right here.

No, no, you might drop
it. I-I'm gonna walk it back.

- Bob, I can't go next door.
- Why?

Because Gretchen is terrifying?

Yeah, so y... So
you're gonna go for me.

Wait, wait, what?

If I'm a last-second no-show,

I'll never get an
appointment there again.

You have to go, get a haircut,
and get me rescheduled.

So we're gonna get
two expensive haircuts?

They're discounted
expensive haircuts.

Please, Bob, I want
a fancy salon haircut

once in my life before I die.

- (groans) Fine.
- No, no, where are you going?

Not the front. She'll see
you. Go out the back.

And run, but don't be
sweaty. And check your breath.

(Gretchen cackling)

Oh...

H... Um, hi. I'm
here for my wife.

Uh, she can't come,
so she asked me

- to take her spot?
- Oh, smart move, wife.

Also, yeah, you could use it.

- Come on, let's get you shampooed.
- Oh, that's okay.

I washed it yester...
last week... ago.

Can I get you a sparkling
water or espresso?

- Or a glass of wine?
- Oh, um, I don't know.

- I...
- I'd have all three.

We call that "getting
your tips frosted."

Unless you're getting
your tips frosted,

which is actually
really hot right now

with middle-aged men
who don't know better.

All right, let's frost my tips.

Uh, the-the drinks one.

(Miss Erica babbling)

Hey, Gene.

Everything okay?
You're not wiggling much.

I don't always have
the wiggles, Miss Erica!

Sorry, sorry.

(whispering): Can I come in?

(whispering): No.
Get out of here.

Where is your mom?

Gretchen killed
her, and you're next.

Bob, it's okay. Gretchen
went back to work.

- Oh, she's alive.
- Eh?

(whistles) New do for Daddy.

It is. Oh, it is.

- So? Was it...?
- (slurring): Amazing.

Yvonne is a genius.

- Are you drunk?
- I'm gorgeous.

O-Ok-Okay, settle down.

And I got you in the book.

- Yeah? When, when?
- Today!

- Oh!
- They squeezed you in at 5:00.

Really? Okay!

Okay, I'm actually
gonna do this.

I'm gonna go to the
bathroom and look at myself

for a while, and I have to pee.

I drank so many
different drinks.

(Gene groaning)

"A dog sits on a
log with a frog."

- Where are you going with that?
- Mm...

That doesn't go on me, Mason.

- Aah! That's it! I'm out!
- Gene,

if you don't want
to listen to the book,

you're welcome to join
Piper over by the puzzles.

Nope, I think I'm gonna go.

I'm sorry, buddy.

You can't go until pickup time.

Miss Erica, here's the thing...

You're gonna laugh
when you hear this...

I'm not actually seven. I am 11.

And I am a 500-year-old wizard!

- (babbling) - Not
helping, Becca.

Gene, I know you're not seven.

It's pretty obvious,
'cause, you know,

I know what children look like.

- Gotcha.
- (screams) I'm sorry, but I am leaving!

You can't go without
someone signing you out,

no matter what
age you say you are.

Okay, fine, my dad Gus,

who I call Gus and not
Dad, is over in yoga right now.

- He can sign me out.
- There is no yoga on Thursdays.

What? Why no yoga on Thursdays?

That's, like, when
you need it the most!

Sorry, you're gonna
have to stay here

until a parent signs you out.

But I want to go!
I need to leave!

Oh, man, I'm gonna
fail the project,

and Alex is gonna
be mad at me forever!

- Your babysitter?
- Yes!

I should've been doing
pretend roommate stuff

with him this whole
week, but now I'm trapped

in this booger parlor!

What's wrong with me?!

Someone's having big feelings.

Hell yeah, I am! When's
juice and crackers?

Miss Erica, can I get
my one phone call?

Gene, this isn't jail.

Says the lady who can
leave whenever she wants.

You think I can leave? I've
had to pee for three hours.

Yes, you can use the phone.

- Dial nine to get out.
- Oh, if only it was that easy.

(phone ringing)

Bob's Slopshop, this is
Tina. I have weird neck sweat.

-How may I help you?
-My neck sweat's not weird. Is it?

Louise, it's Gene. Listen,
I'm trapped in Kids Club.

There's no yoga on Thursdays,
and Miss Erica won't let me out.

Please help me. I want
to be a tween again.

I need to go to Alex's
house, or he'll hate me

and we'll never
be real-life roomies.

I guess I could help if you
did all my restaurant stuff

- for the rest of my life.
- One week.

-Sold. What do you want me to do?
-I need you and Tina

to pretend to be
Gus and sign me out.

Pretend to be Gus.

Yeah, get a long trench
coat, climb on Tina's shoulders,

fake beard... boom, you're Gus.

- That's not gonna...
- Get me out of here.

I'm, like, three seconds
away from getting

the hand, foot
and mouth disease.

All right, all right.
We're on our way.

Why aren't you sleeping, Gene?

'Cause I'm getting
out of here, Ryder.

I'm too old for this place.

But you savor this.

Savor every perfect,
carefree minute

- of being a little kid, 'kay?
- 'Kay, bye.

- (door opens) - MISS
ERICA: Hello, um...

What? Louise! You brought Dad?

Sorry. This is the only
thing we could think of,

after not thinking
for very long,

because this has to end.

Oh, my God, Gene
really crashed a day care?

I didn't crash it. I
wiggled my way in.

- You're Gene's real father, I take it?
- Yeah. Yes.

So, I've been letting
him get signed out

by whoever that
80-year-old man was. Cool.

Gene, do you want to tell
me about that real quick?

- It was Gus.
- Okay.

I think I have to buy him
a Father's Day present.

You should, and also me,
one, as well, at some point.

So, you're signing Gene out?

- Yes.
- I love your hair, by the way.

- Me, too.
- GENE AND LOUISE: He's taken.

Got room for bunk beds
in that studio apartment?

Gene? What are you doing here?

I came to say sorry.

What about Kids Club?

I'm done with all that.

I know what being seven is like.

I think I'm ready
for stuff I don't know.

Future stuff, like, maybe
one day I'll have an alcohol,

or I'll listen to informative
podcasts on my commute.

So, will you take me
back as your roomie?

Even though I acted like
a snotty seven-year-old?

Sure. Rents are outrageous.

I've been driving a
pretend Uber at night

just to pay the pretend bills.

Plus, I love bunk beds.

I don't know why we
didn't think of that before.

Now we have more room
for that hot fudge sundae bar.

Is there still space for
our rotating DJ booth?

- 'Cause that's a must-have.
- DJ booth bunk beds?

DJ booth bunk beds! We're
so good at being adults!

Oh, you've got a lot
going on back here.

Yeah. I got a reverse cowlick.

Okay. It's, like,
pulling my hand in.

Sorry. I'm sure Yvonne
will know what to do

- with that, right?
- Oh, sure, sure.

Everyone's hair is
the same to Yvonne.

- Everyone's a butterfly head waiting to happen.
- Oh.

This'll be here for when
you come out from under.

(groans) And you're lucky.

We're not gonna be in this
location for much longer.

Yeah. Our prices are too
high for this neighborhood.

- Oh, yeah?
- You've seen this neighborhood, right?

Um, yes, I have.

So make sure you take
our card when you leave.

'Cause what you want
to do is get with one stylist

who knows your hair but
also knows you as a person.

And once you find that stylist,
you never want to give them up.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

I just remembered I
have to be somewhere.

(gulps)

Bye! Sorry, bye.

(entry bell jingles)

Got room for a reverse cowlick?

Linda?

LINDA: (burps) Oh, that wine.

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ Treats, bunk-bed-sleep
and beats ♪

♪ Make a tasty, funky result ♪

♪ This is what it's like ♪

♪ To be a responsible adult ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Push up the faders ♪

♪ Twist the knobs ♪

♪ Pump up the beat,
pull the handle ♪

♪ And bring that sweet, sweet
soft serve down ♪

♪ DJ Bunk
Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk
Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds. ♪