Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 12, Episode 12 - Ferry on My Wayward Bob and Linda - full transcript

♪ ♪

Here you go, hon.

One Burger of the Day
with fries from France.

That's what I call
French fries sometimes.

- For fun, you know.
- Thanks.

So, Valentine's Day
tomorrow, huh, guys?

- Any big plans?
- Oh.

- Uh...
- We have plans,
kind of, sort of.

- We're gonna make dinner.
- Well, heat up leftovers.

Right. Then we'll watch TV

and say I love you, I assume.



- Aw.
- Huh. Okay.

What? It's nice.

Yeesh, guys.
Do they make a Valentine's card

that's also a condolence card?

They do. I've gotten that one.

- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
- Uh-oh, she's choking.

- Oh, God.
- Where's the choking poster?

Why can't they ever choke
in front of the poster?

- Give her the hymen.
- Gene, no. It-It's Heimlich.

- No, it's not.
- Not choking, not choking.

Just savoring.
This burger's amazing.

From one chef
to another... mwah.

Thanks. You're a chef?

I mean, you did a chef's kiss,
so probably, yes?



Yeah, hi, my name is Rachel.

I have a little place
on Kingshead Island.

It's called Tomato Shack.

Tomato Shack? Oh, yeah,
I've heard of it.

- It's-it's kind of a big deal.
- Eh.

Thanks, but I want to talk
about this amazing burger.

Oh, uh, sure,
but how do we do this?

Do I start, or do you?

Oh, my God,
am I messing this up?

Sorry about my dad.

That's the first compliment
he's ever gotten.

Uh, it's not, but I-I can't
think of any others right now.

- I'm Linda.
His muse and his wife.
- His mife.

You guys are a couple?
Mommin' and poppin'?

Ha. Yeah. So, what brings you
to the mainland?

Do Kingshead Island people
call this the mainland?

- We do call it that.
- Yay, Dad.

I was just passing by on my way
to the farmer's market.

Stocking up on ingredients
for tomorrow night.

Right. Valentine's Day
must be big for your restaurant.

Well, we're usually closed
on Mondays,

but I decided to host
a little private seating

for friends and family,
just for fun.

Actually, you know,
if you guys are free...

Oh, they're free.
Sorry to answer for you guys,

but your Valentine's plans
are not plans.

Come on, let me cook for
my new favorite power couple.

- Um...
- Power couple?

Bob, she called us
a power couple.

- Power couple is also
what we call Dad's boobs.
- Gene.

I'm excited to be babysitting
you guys tonight.

Also, I'm really enjoying
your house's warm air

and green bean smells.

- Nice, right?
- Definitely.

- Look out, power couple's here.
- Damn, guys.

Yeah, usually at this range
I can see nose hair.

Not tonight. Lot of trimming.
Don't look in the sink.

And did you...
get your bodies straightened?

This is how power couples stand.
Chest out. Kind of hurts.

Yeah, a little bit.

Thanks for coming
so last-minute, Jen.

We would've just had
Tina babysit,

but if the ferry
to Kingshead Island sinks,

we want a sort of adult
in charge

until the kids find new parents.

I don't think I could keep my
eye on the ball tonight anyway.

I'm still riding
my Valentine's Day high.

My shoe came off in gym class,

and Jimmy Junior found it
and gave it back to me.

Cinderella much?

Didn't you say he tried
to throw it away first

'cause he didn't know
whose it was?

Then he saw you hopping around

in one shoe by the pull-up bar?

Mm-hmm. It was like
a fairy tale.

Great, great. Okay, off you go,
you lovebirds.

We'll just be sitting here

like good little children
until you return.

Not planning anything
or taking advantage

of dear, sweet Jen here.
Far from it.

- Thank you for that.
- Uh, okay.

Well, we'll be back
around 11:00.

- O' the clock?
- Uh, yeah.

- Just checking.
- Bring me back a doggy bag.

I'm serious.
I want a bag of dogs.

Listen up, I've got a plan.

We're gonna take advantage
of Jen.

- What?
- Tina, keep your voice down.

All you need to know now
is that it involves

discount drugstore
Valentine's Day candy

- and us getting it
into our mouths.
Hmm?

I'll tell you the rest later,
now shush.

Hey, guys. Whispering, huh?

I like it, too.

Jen. We weren't talking
about anything.

Hey, you're a babysitter.
Come sit with these babies.

Okay. Uh, here goes nothing.

Not bad.

♪ Power couple on their way
to the ferry ♪

♪ It's a boat that goes back
and forth all day, every day ♪

♪ Which sometimes
I think is sad ♪

♪ But not tonight ♪

- Bobby, take it.
- ♪ Not tonight ♪

- ♪ Not tonight ♪
- ♪ Not tonight. ♪

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

You guys have great energy,
you know?

- He gets it.
- Yeah, I do.

So, we're cutting it
a little close with the ferry.

Also, I'm nervous.

Are you nervous?

It's probably gonna be a bunch
of impressive people, right?

And we are, you know, not that.

♪ Not nervous about the dinner ♪

♪ 'Cause we're really great ♪

- Take it!
- ♪ Here's the terminal ♪

♪ I drove really well. ♪

Yeah. Bobby, tip him good.

Oh, uh...

Okay. Is that good?

I-I didn't know
we were gonna sing together.

- I only have singles.
- It's fine.

Oh, no, they're leaving.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

Power couple coming through.

Hold that ferry!
Uh-oh. We're gonna have to jump.

I mean, do we?
It hasn't pulled away yet.

I think if we just run
onto it, it would...

I want to pretend
we have to jump.

It's romantic,
like in the movies.

Wait, is it romantic
in the movies or dramatic?

Depends what music's playing.

Let's do it together.
Hold hands, hold hands.

Oop, it's too narrow.
Un-hold hands.

- Un-hold hands.
- It was a nice idea.

- Yeah, baby.

I just jumped in dress shoes.
Has that ever been done?

Wow.

You guys are good
at this puzzle.

It's not really a puzzle.

You just took
fortune cookie fortunes

and tore them in half and
had us put them back together.

Didn't see that in my future.

Yeah. Well, should we shake up

the fortune pieces in a hat

or a large decorative bowl
and start again?

We have real puzzles.

Uh, guys? Can you help me
with something in the hallway?

A, uh, wedgie
that needs tackling?

- Uh, okay.
- Tina?

I do have the strongest
wedgie-picking fingers.

Oh, rub it in, why don't you?

Listen up, here's the
"take advantage of Jen" plan.

My sources tell me
the drugstore down the street

discounts their Valentine's Day
candy at 8:00.

We need to pool our allowance

and get Jen to take us
over there stat.

- Yes!
- Wait, how do we get
Jen on board?

Tina, it's Jen. She'll let us.

She's putty in our hands.

Funny you say that

'cause I think I saw
Silly Putty in her hair.

Also, Mom and Dad don't like us
to leave the house

at night when they're gone?

Tina, we're talking
about chocolate samplers.

There's so many different kinds

they have to make
a map on the box.

Fine. Let's do it.

Great, follow my lead.

Hey, Jen, we were
just talking, and, uh,

what do you say
we take a stroll?

Get some fresh night air,

maybe pass by the drugstore,

see if they have any
interesting wares for sale.

- Um...

Actually, no.

Great, I'll get my coat
and my candy sack.

Wait, did you just say no?

Jen? Honey?
What's gotten into you?

I just think it would be really
fun to sit here for 30 minutes,

and then you all go to your
rooms. How about it, gang?

Uh...

Is this what responsible
babysitting looks like?

I hate it.

Look at us

powering through the night.

- Getting some windy power hair.
- You know it. Huh. That's weird.

- What?
- The downtown part of Kingshead
looks like it's on our right.

Shouldn't it be, like,
in front of us? Um, excuse me?

W-We're going to
Kingshead Island, right?

- Uh, yup.
- Oh, good, because I noticed

we don't seem to be heading
for the ferry terminal.

- Sure we are. Littleneck Harbor.
- Littleneck Harbor?

Yeah, you know, the one
most people don't go to

because it's far
from all the popular things?

- What?
- Uh-oh.

Hey, why are you
dressed so fancy

for Littleneck Harbor?

You're gonna get Littleneck

all over that fancy stuff.

But we have to get to...

Oh, you must've wanted
Kingshead Harbor.

Whoops. Anyway, you guys
have a nice Valentine's Day.

I'm here, so you know
how mine's going.

Thank you... Power couple.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe
we got on the wrong ferry.

I must've misread the schedule,

and now we're on
the opposite side of the island

- from the restaurant.
- Bob, it's fine.

We'll get a cab.
We'll just be a little late.

Uh, yeah, maybe you're right.

Hopefully, like,
only ten, 15 minutes.

- Mm-hm. Yeah,
the cool kind of late.
- Um, excuse me,

my wife and I got
on the wrong ferry.

- We're trying to get
to Kingshead Harbor?
- Uh-oh.

Why "uh-oh"?

No more ferries
from here to there.

Just ferries going back
to the mainland.

O-Okay. Well, we're
supposed to be at Tomato Shack

in, like, now-ish.
Can we call a cab?

A-Are there cabs?

Sure there are cabs.
There are three cabs.

There's three cabs?

Yup. Tom's, Lonnie's,
and Phil's.

Um, can we call one?

Let's see, Tom is married
to Lonnie, so don't call them.

- Why not?
- On Valentine's Day?

You're not the only couple
out for a romantic dinner.

Um, okay. Are you sure
they went out?

I mean, not all couples go
out on Valentine's Day.

Some just like to stay home and,

you know, heat up leftovers.

- Ew.
- Ew?

It's Tom and Lonnie.

They definitely went out.

- Good for them.
- Okay. Wh-- Uh, what about Phil?

- Do you have his number?
- He doesn't drive at night.

He... doesn't drive at night.

I don't know why
I mentioned him.

I just didn't want to leave him
out, you know? It's... Phil.

The guy can't help
his night blindness

and, you know, what happened.

Oh, God, what happened?

Let's just say nobody died,
but one person did.

- Oh, boy.
- But hey, the good news is
you can walk.

It's only two miles that way
and Phil's not on the road,

so you should be safe.

Okay...

What's with Jen?
Sending us to our rooms at 8:00?

To what,
get a good night's sleep?

That choc-blocking monster.

Tina, you should talk to her.

- Why me?
- Because you speak babysitter.

Ken's learning babysitter
on Rosetta Stone.

He loves their culture.

Fine.

- Uh, hey, Jen.
- Oh! Hi, Tina.

Why aren't you in your room?
Is it on fire?

Um, no, not on fire.

Phew. Fire is not good
for rooms.

- Hey, uh, could you help me?
- Sure.

Adult boys enjoy lips
that are colored in, right?

Uh... yes?

Can you tell me
if I'm doing this correctly?

Um, maybe try to stay
on the lips.

You know, you could just use
the mirror in the bathroom.

Wait, you guys have a bathroom?

Okay, listen, Jen,
one babysitter to another.

Is there something going on?
I mean, you got that text,

and then you sent us
to our rooms super early,

and now you're doing your makeup

because you think adult boys
like it... Oh...

Should I also put this
on my eyelids?

No. Also, maybe touch that up?

- Bathroom's down the hall.
- You guys have a hall?

Jen's got an adult boy
coming over.

What? She told you that?

No, but think about it.
The text?

And she was putting on lipstick
just now, or trying to.

Huh. That conniving
little caregiver.

Hey, let's cut her some slack.
It's Valentine's Day.

No way, Tina.
There's candy at stake.

- Yeah. Heard of it?
- Wait.

Having a boy over
while you're babysitting

definitely seems like
it's against the rules.

If Jen's boy comes over soon,
and we catch her,

it's "use it against her

so she takes us
to the drugstore" time.

- But...
- Buh-buh-buh. Tina!

Jen can have her romantic
Valentine's Day blah-de-blah,

whatever you said.

We're just gonna catch her
and blackmail her with it.

It's a win-win.

Is this what the song "I smell
sex and candy" is about?

Ugh. I'm such an idiot.

I should've double-checked
the ferry schedule.

Hey, don't beat yourself up.
I've seen the ferry schedule.

It's crazy looking.
What are we, NASA people?

Plus, we were running.
How were we supposed to know

there was a big obvious sign
we didn't notice?

- You okay? How's your feet?

They're killing me.

I haven't quite broken in
these dress shoes yet.

You've had them 20 years.

Yeah, but I've only worn them,
like, five times.

We're almost there, okay? Maybe.

Actually, no, I can still see
the ferry guy looking at us.

- Hi.
- Now we're gonna be
an uncool number of minutes late

because I didn't know how to
read a ferry schedule or signs.

Come on, quit being
a ferry pooper.

Hey, look, up ahead.
There's a light.

- Yeah?
- So...

someone's home.
Let's go knock on the door.

- What? No.
- It's the country, Bob.

They can give us a lift.
People probably do that here.

- Come on, I think I see blood
seeping out of your shoe.
- Oh. Oh, God.

"Trespassers will be sheared."

Okay, that's a funny joke,

I think.

Less funny at night,
when you don't know the people,

- and you're about to knock
on their door.

- Oh, you hear that? Sheep.
- Oh, yeah.

See? Just a hilarious
sheep person.

Okay, I'm knocking.

Uh...

- Can I help you?
- Oh, my God!

Uh-oh. Let me guess.
Wrong ferry?

- How'd you know?
- You're dressed pretty nice
for this side of the island.

Yeah, sorry to bother you.

I-I'm Bob, and this is
my wife Linda.

- Hi.
- I'm not sure how to ask this,

so I'm just gonna say it.

Is there any chance you can
give us a ride into town?

Yeah, I could do that.

- Really? Thank you.
- Yay!

But I can't actually
go anywhere until I catch

- Midnight and Moonlight.
- Huh?
- Excuse me?

That's my loose ewe
and her main dude.

They got out of the pasture

and snuck into the hoop house
to steal carrots.

And, since you're here,

if you guys could
help me catch them,

I could get that done quicker
and give you that ride.

Yeah, that sounds easy and fun.

Okay. Yeah.

Let's help you catch some sheep.

Great! Right this way.

All you got to do is yell
and scare them

- and send them towards me.
- Uh-huh. Lin,

you know why everything
is going terribly tonight?

It's because
we shouldn't have come here,

to a fancy dinner
with fancy people.

Ah, stuff your fancy down
your pantsy with that talk.

Come on,
let's go get these sheep.

- Ugh.
- Attaboy.

- Hey, sheep!
Go that way. That way.
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

- Go away, go away.
- Ugh, I stepped in sheep poop.

Oh, that's just mud.
That was sheep poop.

- Oh, yeah.

I'm okay. I just fell down

because a giant fat sheep
knocked me over.

But you know what?
That's what I wanted.

That's how I get inside
their head.

Let's do this. We'll get
that ride to the restaurant,

we'll be back on track.

Sorry about that.
Just keep making noise.

I feel like you're not
fully committing.

Oh, hey there, Russ. Good boy.

Wait, is that a sheepdog?

- Yup, this is Russ.
- Could he help us?

Russ? With the sheep?
No, he's allergic.

- Oh, my God.
Don't let him
win that one.

Charge him right back.

Oh, I don't want to do that.

Midnight and Moonlight
are a handful, aren't they?

They were overfed
by the previous owner.

We keep them on a diet.
That's why they break out

and sneak into the hoop house
to eat my carrots.

Dieting is hard. Hey.
Do they kind of look like us?

Oh, my God.
They do look like us.

Just a little. Shoo! Go!

Wait, Lin. Don't you see?
It makes perfect sense.

- We are Midnight and Moonlight.
- Huh? How?

We wandered away from where
we belong, and we're overfed,

at least I am. Go on! Shoo!

We're not sheep, Bob.
We're a great human couple

who got invited to a neat thing
by someone who likes us,

and we're just having trouble
getting there.

Go that way,
sheep who look like us.

This is no place
for you, you hear me?

- You don't belong here!
- Bobby, calm down.

No, keep it up.
They're heading right for me.

I think you're
making them uncomfortable.

You're making me uncomfortable.

I don't love our plan.

I mean, waiting
till Jen's date gets here,

then using their romantic
rendezvousing against her,

it kind of makes me feel
like the opposite of Cupid.

- An evil leprechaun?
- Sort of, yeah.

Tina, this is a sting.

Jen's the one
breaking the rules,

and we're here to bust
their lovey-dovey butts,

so we can break the rules.

If you know a better way
to get to cheap drugstore candy,

we'd love to hear it,
and don't say zip line, because

it seems like it's the solution
to everything, but it's not.

- Someone's here.

How was your Valen-Times?
- That must be him.

Briefcase, huh?
This guy means business.

Seriously, though,
looks like a nice fella.

Good for Jen.

Okay, we wait for them
to get cozy,

and then we spring our trap.

A cozy trap,
like beanbag chairs.

Okay, we got them. Hope
those carrots were worth it.

You made these people all muddy
for their nice dinner.

- Oh, my God,
I'm sweating so much.
- Aw!

- Sheep Bob is winded, too.

I think he's in better shape
than me, possibly.

You see, Bob? Just like that,
we're on our way.

Ah, forgot to mention,
the new seat isn't coming

for another few weeks.

It'll be a little cold in back,

but you can cuddle up with Russ.

Okay.

Lin, there's a good amount

of mud and poop back there.

Well, that's what's on us now.

- What's a little more, right?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right, when I say go,

we jump out and bust them.

And throw a giant net over them?
Anybody? No?

Thank you for coming,
Christopher.

On Valen-Times, no less.

Can't believe you were free.

Well, documents need notarizing,

even on holidays of the heart,

and you are one
of my best clients.

I am not.

You are. Had to get
a new ink pad 'cause of you.

Huh? What kind of date is this?

- I think Christopher's a notary.
- A what-ary?

It's someone grown-ups hire
to watch them sign things?

I went with Dad
to a notary once.

I thought there
would be notes there.

I was thinking
gossip notes, love notes.

There weren't any notes.
It was a long afternoon.

So, tonight, you're notarizing

your birth certificate
request form?

Okay. Let's crack
the old briefcase.

Yes, please.
Crack the briefcase.

So... jump out now?

I don't think
we can bust her for this yet.

I mean, the vibe is there,
but there are also papers.

I guess it's
kind of a gray area?

I can't believe
this is how babies are made.

Hey, let's have her
drop us off a block away,

so we can pull
ourselves together

before anyone gets a look at us.

Hey, you're probably right.
What do you think, Russ?

- Uh-huh.

- Hey, Kelly.
- Yeah?

- Could you drop us off
a block from the restaurant?
- Huh?

Could you drop us off a block
from the restaurant, please?

- What?
- Drop us off a block
from the restaurant--

And... you're pulling up to it
right now. Oh, Great.

- Okay, here we are.
It's fine.

The more we move around,

the more the dirt
just falls off, kind of.

Thanks again for your help
with the sheep.

You guys have a lovely dinner
tonight, all right?

- Bob, you coming?

I don't know.
Now we have to go in there,

late and covered in poop,
in a nice restaurant,

with non-poop people.

Aw, no, I'm sure
there's some poop people.

Linda, we're out of our league.

Kelly, maybe you could
just drive us

to the ferry terminal, please?

Bobby, no. We came this far.

- We're going in.

- Gesundheit.

Bye. Bob, we're here.

We kind of went through
a lot of trouble to get here,

so come on, let's go in.

Mama needs a drink,
and I think you do, too.

Linda, everything
that's happened tonight,

from the sheep poop,
to all the blood in my shoes,

to more sheep poop,

is happening because
we don't belong here.

No. Rachel called us
a power couple.

You don't just throw
words like that around.

We're not a power couple.
Look at us.

We're a...
"need a shower" couple.

Hey, Bob, you remember
my air hockey story?

About how you're really good
at air hockey?

Yeah. You tell it a lot.

- Let me tell it again.
Okay.

One night I was at a bar,
and I played

for the first time,
and I beat my friend.

Then I beat her again,
and then I beat my other friend,

and then I beat some guy
who was annoyed

that I'd been playing so long,
and then I beat his dumb friend.

The whole bar started
buying me drinks,

calling me "Hockey Queen."

Linda, I know
about "Hockey Queen."

Sometimes, you still
make me call you that.

Hush, just listen.
I couldn't lose.

So, I got show-off-y.

I smacked a shot
against this one guy so hard

the puck bounced back
and hit me in the boob.

Ow!

But aren't air hockey pucks
pretty light?

It stung, Bob. Also, you don't
have boobs, so you don't know.

I kind of do.

Anyway, I got hit in the boob,

and all of a sudden,
I wasn't Hockey Queen anymore.

Everyone was laughing at me
getting hit in the boob,

but I stuck some ice in my bra,

and I went back
and I beat that guy,

and then I beat two more people,

and I went home a winner
with a wet bra.

So, yeah, maybe the universe hit
us in the boob a little tonight,

but we're gonna stay
in the game.

We're gonna go in there
and try to have a good time.

Because you know what?
We deserve it. The end.

Really good story. Very wise.

Okay, yeah.
Maybe you're right.

- I am.
- But, before we go in,

do you want me to take
the clumps of what I hope is mud

off your back and your hair?

Yeah. I'll do you, too.

What's going on?
Are we doing this?

I either want to be eating candy

or asleep dreaming
of eating candy.

I still don't know
what I'm looking at here.

I don't know how notaries work.
Tina, is it usually this steamy?

I don't think so? The guy
who notarized Dad's stuff

didn't seem interested
in Dad's whole thing.

Now, I'll need
your thumb print. May I?

Yes. Which one
is the thumb again?

Oh, right, the unusual one.

Perfect thumb.

Yup. This is definitely
a sort of date.

Also, I think it's the
hottest thing I've ever seen?

Okay, so that means
we know all we need to know,

and we go in for the kill,
and Gene get candy soon?

Ugh. She does look
pretty damn happy,

and her breathing's getting
deep and weird.

- Let's just leave them to it.
- Oh, thank God.

Fine. I guess we could just eat
the Valentine's candy

I have stashed
in my sock drawer,

and under my pillow, and packed
in a balloon in the toilet tank.

Let's sneak back
to our rooms very quietly.

- Gene!

Oops. Sorry.

- What was that?
- I don't know. Maybe I farted?

Oh. Where were we?

- Close one.
- Gene!

I'm sorry. My butt doesn't like
being this sneaky.

Kids? Is that you
out there farting?

Uh, yeah.

Sorry to disturb you.

We know you're doing
important notary stuff.

Right. Just notary stuff.

- That's all this has ever been.
- Uh...

Yes. Hi, young people.
Well, I've rendered my services.

I'll send my invoice. Since
you're a preferred customer,

there's no rush
with the payment. Bye, Jen.

Um, okay. Bye, Christopher.

- Enjoy your Valen-Times.
- You, too.

Wait. Uh, don't leave yet.

Oh, how rude of me.
My business card.

Ooh, card. Give me, give me.

No, it's just-- Ugh, I'm bad
at this Valentine-y crap.

Tina, a little help?

Oh, um, seems like you guys
obviously have a connection

that's more than just
notary to notar...oo?

- Is that-- Is it "notaroo"?
- No.

Sorry. What I'm saying is,
maybe turn off the clock,

and stay and talk.

- Maybe she's right.
- Oh?

Maybe we needed these children,

that I don't think are yours,

but I'm not sure,
to witness our feelings

to make them real to us,

kind of like I would witness
the signing of a boat title

or a mortgage loan.

Ooh, this guy talks the talk.

- Yeah.
- So, yeah, I guess I could stay.

Do you have anything else
that needs notarizing?

- Do I.
- Do you?

- I do.
- My pad is inked.

I mean, it's self-inking,
so it's always ready.

My thumb's ready...
for whatever.

We should go.

Happy Valentine's Day,
you crazy kids.

Thanks for the card.

Cool if I call
for personal chats?

- Uh, sure.
- Nice, bro.

Yeah, that's not coming off.
Sorry, I tried.

It's okay.
Also, we really smell, right?

Yup. Yup, we do.

- Power couple?
- Power couple.

- Valentine's kiss?
Mwah.

Okay.

- Love you.
- Love you, too.

Here goes.

♪ Power couple ♪

♪ Riding the ferry ♪

♪ It's a boat that goes
back and forth ♪

♪ All day and every day ♪

♪ Sometimes, we think it's sad ♪

♪ But not tonight ♪

♪ No, not tonight ♪

- ♪ Power couple ♪
- ♪ Power couple ♪

- ♪ Riding the ferry ♪
- ♪ Riding the ferry ♪

♪ It's a boat that goes
back and forth ♪

♪ All day and every day. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.