Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 20 - Steal Magazine-olias - full transcript

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 11 Episode 20

Episode Title:
"Steal Magazine-olias"

Aired on:
May 09, 2021

Sync corrections by srjanapala

And I said, "Excuse me,
I know this one says

"'buy one, get one half off, '

but can I just get
the half-off one?"

The shop guy hated
that joke.

What else
is going on with old Linda?

Oh, we're giving the kids
a later bedtime.

Bob and I were
on the fence about it,



but they did such
a convincing PowerPoint...

So many pie graphs...

And they promised to be
little angels, so we figured,

"Okay, what's the worst
that could happen, right?"

They wake up groggy?
So they drink a little coffee.

Kids in France
drink coffee, right?

And they know how to speak
French, so, you know.

Uh-huh. Can I start
cleaning your teeth now?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.
Just so much to catch up on

when you only see the dentist,
you know,

as often as we come to you.

- Yeah, it should be way more often.
- Right, right.

I'll just open my mouth now.
Ah...

Okay, maybe don't
make that noise.



First Yap cleans my teeth,

now I'm cleaning
your clock, Gene.

Ha-ha.
And another box.

It appears it is now my turn,

so I shall hope for the best,
prepare for the worst.

Am I crazy or is that, like,
the dreamiest fox scientist ever?

The first thing you said.
Okay, they're all filled in.

- Let's tally these babies up.
- Is it bad to be attracted

to a cartoon fox that you don't
even know that well?

Hold on.
No way.

- Gene won?
- Wait, what? I did?

I-I'm gonna count again.

Everybody shush!

Guess
who said your mommy's teeth

had slightly less plaque
than usual?

Was it Dr. Yap?
'Cause he's our dentist?

I can't believe it.
Gene won.

And I lost, to Gene,
who won.

It sounds weird
when I say it out loud.

First, only three cavities,
and now this?

Could today get any better?

Wow, Geney, that's so great
with whatever that is.

- What is that?
- Dots and Boxes, Mother.

Your baby boy's
a Dots and Boxes winner.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it easy.
- Okay, just gonna see

if our insurance is still good here...
fingers crossed. Ha!

Ha-ha, that's fun.

How you liking the new
plug-in air freshener I got?

It's called
"Laundry and Spice," hmm?

- It's strong.
- Good waiting room vibe, right?

Sweet smell,
sweet magazine spread.

Eh, sweet 'zines.

Someday we'll get music.

Dr. McAllister has music
in her waiting room.

I know, and animals.

But you don't work
there anymore.

You work here,
and it's more fun, right?

Mm-hmm.
I don't miss it at all.

Dr. Yap, do you give
an extra toy to people

who beat their sister
in magazine games? Hmm?

I mean, I could give you
more floss.

And then maybe
you'd floss?

Nah, it's not really for me.

Gene, how about we stop hogging
the magazine, huh, buddy?

- Sorry.
- Hey, you.

- Please don't stroke the magazines.
- Yep. Yep.

I didn't kiss it, either,
when no one was looking.

Okay, let's go eat
a bunch of taffy.

Just kidding.
Let's get out of here, though.

Hey, Teddy.
We're-we're not open yet.

That's okay. I like to watch
the prep stuff.

It's like being backstage at
a Broadway play before the show.

Plus, I want to make sure
I got my seat.

- Well, you always do.
- Honk, honk!

Clean teeth alert,
coming through.

- Oh, hey, Teddy.
- Teddy.

- Hey, Teddy.
- Hey, Linda, kids.

- I got my seat.
- Yeah, you did.

How was the dentist?

Great. I swallowed
a lot of that fluoride stuff.

But it's good for you, right?

It tastes nice,
so it must be good.

- Okay.
- I fell in love.

I mean, uh, never mind.
I-It wasn't a fox scientist.

I won a game in a magazine,
and the world smiled.

Okay, okay, it was
one Dots and Boxes game.

And I don't even know
if it was regulation.

I mean, the dot layout was
a little dottier than usual.

Hey, so, no judgment,
but what's going on

with the bird poop
on the window?

- Whoa! Giant bird poop.
- Whoa.

- Oh, my God.
- Ugh, and judging by the looks of it,

- that bird was not well.
- Why would a bird do that to us?

Did we tick off a seagull
or something?

I mean, Mom, you yell
all kinds of crazy stuff

- at seagulls.
- That's true.

Well, it's not the first time
someone has used this restaurant

just for the bathroom.

Maybe that's just
how seagulls do graffiti

and that seagull
is basically Banksy?

Bob, you might want
to get that off before you get

people coming in here
for lunch.

Uh, yeah, I-I know, Teddy.

Folks seeing
a giant poop smear

right before they enter
your restaurant?

That's not good.

Yeah, I very much
want to clean it off.

- Wait, you're using that?
- Uh, yeah?

Are you nuts?
There's a very specific way

you got to get
bird poop off.

You can't just wipe it
with a rag, Bob.

Yeah, Dad. God!

I'm pretty sure
it's fine, Teddy.

I can't reach it.

Sure you can, Dad.
You just have to believe.

Oh, maybe you can tie a rope
around my waist

and lower me down from the
roof, like a Mission: Impossible.

I've always wanted
to do that.

Oh, hey. I know a guy
who's got a pressure washer.

He owes me for when I lent him
my ratchet set.

His wife took his set
in the divorce.

Thankfully I got
custody of mine.

Teddy, no, please.
I-It's fine.

- I-I will take care of it.
- No, no, no. I'll be quick.

Don't touch it while I'm gone.
You'll make a big mess.

I mean, you're all great.
Just don't touch it.

Ooh... Excuse me.
Don't take my seat!

O-kay. Hello.

Dr. Yap.
Am I seeing double?

Wait, no, you know what I mean.
Twice in one day.

- What's the haps, Yap?
- Hi, Dr. Yap.

What you doing, you eating?

We're not quite open
for lunch yet.

And pardon our bird poop.

I-I don't know if we need
to mention that, Lin.

Oh, I don't mind waiting.
And I'll just look away

from the giant poop.

Uh, I'm gonna go get
our step ladder

and see if I can reach it.

And I'll be a hero.
Y-You'll all see.

Hey, guess what?
A crazy thing

happened to me
this morning.

Oh, yeah? Somebody bite you?
Was it me?

Nope.

Someone stole a magazine
from my office waiting area.

Can you believe it?

- Oh, no.
- That's terrible.

Who would do such a thing?

I've never stolen a magazine
from an office.

Unless I find a recipe I like.
Or a perfume sample.

Or just for the rush of it.

Wow. Sorry, Dr. Yap.
Did you call the police?

Or the FBI?

Not yet. Pretty nuts, right?

I mean, I purposely subscribe
under the name

"Dr. Don't Take This Magazine"
so it says it right there

on the address label
for everyone to see.

And you think that'd be enough.

Yep. Bap, bap, bap, bap...

Well, I hope whoever did that
to you gets stung by a bee

right on their butt,
in the crack.

Now how about some nice water?

- I will get the water.
- I mean, I-I'm getting it already.

- See? Water.
- That water is stale.

I'll get some fresh water,
from the kitchen sink.

Sisters? Will you help me
fetch the water?

Eh, seems like
a one-Gene job.

- Yeah, you're gonna do great.
- Help me fetch the water!

Okay, okay. Geez.

Gene, what's your deal?

Yeah, I know you have
some spill issues

when it comes
to water transportation,

but you got to face those
head-on.

Guys, I stole the magazine.

Sexy fox scientist.

I mean, uh, oh, man.

Gene. Gene, Gene, Gene, Gene.

Wow, Gene. I got to say,
I'm impressed.

Never in a million years
would I pin you

for a dental office
magazine stealer.

I didn't mean to steal it.
It just happened.

All of a sudden the magazine
was down my shorts

next to my bum-bum.

But why'd you do it?

Are you trying to get
into a gang?

No, nothing like that.

I just... the Dots and Boxes game
I won.

I wanted to keep it.

Ugh. One game.

I ate a weird breakfast
this morning. I was off.

Plus, there's, uh,
a really fascinating article

about bubbles
that I wanted to read.

Oh, I skimmed that.
"Bubbles, What's Poppin'?"

Some interesting stuff in there.

- Just please help me.
- Well, the good news is

you weren't acting weird
out there at all.

- Oh, good.
- I think all we have to do

is play it cool
and keep our mouths shut.

Yap's got nothing on you,
so we just have to wait him out.

Oh, cool, we have to not tell
the truth to an adult.

- Cool, cool, cool, cool.
- All right, Gene,

better get that glass
of fresh kitchen water

that you were raving about
ready for Yap.

Now give me the magazine.

- We got to hide this.
- I'll hide it.

But let me just
check something real quick.

Hello, there.
You're looking well.

Give me that.

You can have your freaky
fox thoughts later.

I forgot you guys
broke our step ladder

playing that game
"jump on the step ladder."

Oh, I love that game.
The kids get some exercise...

Bob, are you sure
we shouldn't wait for Teddy

to come back
with the pressure cooker thingy?

Pressure washer?
Uh, yes, I'm sure.

I'm already, ugh, halfway done.

Oh, no. That's not good.
It's smearing everywhere.

- Ew.
- Oh, my God.

It's so, so, so much worse now.

Maybe we try to use it
to frost the window?

Like stores do at Christmastime?
But we do it now?

Eh. Boy, I wouldn't want
to be you when Teddy gets back.

- Mm-hmm.
- Whatever you're doing isn't working!

And here is that wonderful
kitchen water

I was telling you about.

This is how we always
carry glasses.

- Yep, yep.
- Mm-hmm.

Dr. Yap, you're not gonna
actually wait

until we open, are you?

And then what are you gonna do,
eat here?

Do you really want to put
yourself through that?

I do. I cleared my schedule.

Nothing on the books
for the rest of the day.

So I've got all the time
in the world.

What if there's
a dental emergency?

They're all dental emergencies!

Look, I know you kids
took my magazine.

Ho, ho, ho, hold on there.

You're accusing us sweet
little children of stealing?

On what grounds, sir?

I know it was you kids.
And I know it because every time

someone leaves my office,
I go and re-fan my magazines

because I'm way better at it
than my receptionist Dorothy.

And when I did that today, which
was right after you kids left,

my Now That's Cool magazine
was gone.

I am so sick and tired of
patients stealing my magazines,

messing with the vibe
in my waiting room.

I mean, what if I came in
and stole all your n-napkins?

Doesn't feel good, does it?

I mean, they're there
for people to take.

- Here. I insist.
- Okay, bad example.

Just hand the magazine over
into this hand right now.

- High five. Sorry. Reflex.
- Down low. Sorry, sorry.

You're yapping
up the wrong tree, Yap.

We don't know anything about

whatever it is
you were talking about.

Now if you'll excuse us,
we have child labor to do.

Okay, well, that's that, then.

Uh, yeah. I guess our words
finally went into your face.

You know, it'd sure be a shame
if somebody told your parents

about all this and you got
your special later bedtime

- taken away.
- How'd you know about that?

A little bird told me.
Your mom. Your mom was the bird.

Well, doesn't matter,
'cause nobody took anything.

Now, we all need to go
mop the kitchen floor.

Together, at the same time.
Tina, Gene?

Okay, new plan. Gene, I'm sorry,
but you're giving it back.

- What? No.
- Louise is right. Things just got real.

We've worked too hard
for our later bedtime.

It's the part of the night
where I'm pretty sure

they say swears on TV,
even in commercials.

Okay, okay. What about this?

We tell Yap that he won
a big dentist award

but he has to go
pick it up in Canada,

and then he goes to Canada,
falls in love with the place

- and stays there?
- It won't work.

Dr. Yap's a huge
Fourth of July fan.

He talks about sparklers a lot.

- Fine. I'll give it back.
- Wait, wait, wait.

How do we know Yap's not gonna
tell Mom and Dad anyway?

He's out of his mind.

- We got to be smart about this.
- Oh, boy.

How you doing?
You all right in here?

I just got to refill
this bucket.

That bird poop is no joke.

- Hey, is that your car out front?
- Oh, you mean the cool one?

Yeah. Well, you should probably
move it down the street

a little or you're gonna
get a ticket.

Also, it looks like
your window's kind of down.

I'm not saying that we live
in a bad neighborhood,

but hey, I would
break into that.

Oh, yeah, the window's tricky.

It won't roll up.
And there's only one mechanic in town

who works on this kind
of Porsche.

Wait, what kind
of Porsche is that?

A Mazda. Okay!

I'm moving my car
down the street,

but I'll be right back!

Okay! Talking loud is fun.

That's it. Yap's car.

Steal Yap's car so that
stealing the magazine

- won't seem like a big deal?
- No.

All we got to do
is slip Yap's magazine

back into his car
through the window,

we never cop to taking it,
our record stays clean,

bing, bang, boom...
We're home free,

living it up
as children of the night.

But Mom and Dad are out there
de-pooping the window.

What if they see us?

- They won't.
- Why not?

'Cause we're gonna be stealthy.

Is that like being sneaky
and healthy?

Yes. Gene?

- You ready for this?
- I guess.

Okay, Operation Put Dr. Yap's
Magazine Back Into His Car

So We Can Keep Our Later Bedtime
is a go!

Aah! Sorry, I'm nervous.

It's okay.
Just a little grease got on it.

And dirt. And... blood?
Oh, it's probably ketchup.

Okay, I reparked my car
and I'm back.

And now I'm even more annoyed
because I tripped

on the sidewalk in front
of a bunch of cool kids.

Okay, Yap's back.
Time to hit it.

Come on, let's head out
through the alley.

You guys, I have
a concern about Operation

Put Dr. Yap's Magazine
Back Into His Car

So We Can Keep
Our Later Bedtime.

Is it about the name?
I had the same thought.

No, it's just...
What if Yap gets suspicious

and comes and looks for us?
Or worse,

goes back outside
and sees us?

Good point.
Tina, you should distract him.

What? Why me?

Because I'm gonna be
doing the magazine sneaking

with my nimble little hands,
and Gene can't talk to Yap.

- He's a bundle of nerves and diarrhea.
- Not in that order.

- But what do I even talk about?
- I don't know.

Just be your usual charming,
never socially awkward self.

- Uh...
- There she is.

Ugh. It doesn't come off.

It just smears around
more!

Birds are evil.

I've lost all respect for them.

Get ready, Gene.

Just got to wait
for the right moment.

Hey, Dr. Yap.

- Uh-huh?
- I, uh, uh...

Uh...

Aah! What happened, Bob?

I said I'll be right back!

I told him to wait.
He just went ahead and did stuff.

Linda! I-I-I didn't realize
that bird poop

was unlike any other substance
on earth, okay?

- Uh...
- What the hell were you thinking, Bob?

Just stop yelling, hook up your
thing and spray it off, please!

- That's what I'm trying to do!
- Now.

I'm only yelling because
I love you, I love this window.

These are tough love yells!

Why didn't you listen to me?!

Both of you, calm
down. We can't let the bird win.

Sorry. I just...

It's hard to see
Bob screw stuff up so bad.

Okay, that's hurtful.

All right, I'm gonna
attach the hose.

Bob, step away
from the window, please?

- Honey, step away.
- Mm.

Uh...

Are you gonna just...
keep making that noise?

Uh...
No, I was just thinking.

Um, why are they called "teeth"?

Shouldn't they be "tooths"?

Our restaurant has booths,
not "beeth."

Where's the magazine,
Tina?

Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Okay. As soon as Teddy

starts that hose, I'm going in.
Gene, give me the goods.

- Ugh, it's damp.
- Sorry I don't have perfect dry butt like you.

- So, whenever you're ready.
- Not so fast, Bob.

- First I got to put on my goggles.
- Oh, okay, just...

- And gloves.
- Great, okay.

Now, before we use this bad boy,

we got to consider any
and all possible hazards.

I'm talking
about slippery surfaces,

cracked glass, pedestrians...

Yes, Teddy, we'll look out
for those things... just do it!

Sorry, but I'm
a professional, Bob.

Okay, turning it on.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Shu-Shut it off!

Okay, that's exactly how

that's supposed to work,
I'm guessing.

- Go! Go! Go!
- Ow! Teddy!

Whoa, whoa, Teddy!

Grab a hold of it!
Grab it!

I'm gonna pinch it!
I'm gonna pinch it!

Teddy, you sprayed everything
except the poop!

Oof!

I forgot how powerful
this thing is.

The gloves might've made it
harder to hold,

now that I think of it.

Also I couldn't see
through the goggles.

They fogged up pretty quick.
Don't worry.

I'm good now. Let's do this!

Okay, I'm letting go.

Oh, no, stop! Stop! Stop!

I'm sorry! Aah!

Teddy's our handyman.

He's a nice person.

Where is the magazine, Tina?

I know, right?

Hey-o!

- Hello!
- What are you two up to?

Watching the water works
out there, huh?

It's like Vegas!

Okay, Belcher kids.

The Yapster is
done playing around.

I'm just gonna tell your parents
you stole my magazine,

and you're gonna be
in so much trouble,

you're gonna go to sleep
at 4:00 p.m. like widdle babies.

- Here I go...
- Wait.

Dr. Yap, are you sure
you checked everywhere

- for that thing?
- I mean, I'm thinking about coming back

with a search warrant
to check your whole house.

- No, no, no. Like, uh...
- Between your couch cushions?

I-In your, uh, pockets?

Your, uh, private island
I assume dentists have?

In your car?

So you think when I came here
to look for my magazine,

I brought my magazine
and left it in my car?

I mean, yeah. It makes sense
the way you said it.

- Car! Yep!
- I left something in a car one time.

Do you really want to be
the guy who accuses

three innocent children,
only to find out

the magazine was
in your car the whole time?

- Hmm.
- We'll get going on your burger soon, Dr. Yap.

Just got to put some fries on
to calm Teddy down first.

He's a mess.
How are things going in here?

I'll tell you
after I go check my car.

For stuff.

Oh, I love stuff!

I have no idea how, but...

it was in my car.

- You don't say.
- Wow.

Oh, my.

Hey, look at that, you found the
magazine you thought you lost.

I don't know
how it got in there, I...

Maybe I accidentally...
fanned the magazines too hard

and it went
into my dentist coat?

I have been working out.

And then it fell out in the car?

I mean, I don't know, I...

- Okay. Bye, I guess.
- Yep.

Sounds good, see ya. Bye!

Oh, you're leaving
before you eat?

Is it the poop?
It's the poop, isn't it?

- Hold the phone!
- What? What?

A page has been ripped out!

Um, hi, uh...
is everything okay?

No! No,
it's not, Bob!

- Uh...
- Uh, people rip

pages out of magazines
all the time.

Yeah, to build fires.
Or make ransom notes.

You're both right.
Oh, but what's this?

It appears the fun and games
page has been ripped out.

That's so interesting because
I remember a certain someone

bragging about beating their
sister in Dots and Boxes!

Who could that have been?

Gene, did you steal
Dr. Yap's magazine?

- I mean, uh...
- Later bedtime.

- Yes.
- Damn it.

I knew it. Ha-ha.

That's right, Bob, Linda.

Your kids stole from me!

Punish them as you see fit!

Oh, I don't know, maybe
in the bedtime department!

Hope you like going to bed
before you even get up.

'Cause it's so early, suckas!

Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap,
Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap. Yap!

- Yap! Yap!
- Can you stop doing that?

I wish I could.

Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap,
Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap...

Dr. Yap, I-I-I'm sorry
the kids stole from you.

I mean, you probably could've
just called and told us that?

But coming to the restaurant
and waiting angrily

until they gave it back
to you is-is also, um...

- uh, totally fine.
- That's what I thought.

I can't believe you kids!

You stole a magazine
and then you lied about it?

Apologize right now
to Dr. Yap.

It's Dr. Yap.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you said "Mr. Yap."

It happens sometimes.

We're sorry, Dr. Yap.

Wait, it wasn't
Tina and Louise's fault.

They were covering for me.
I just really wanted to keep this.

- Aha!
- I didn't want to become a magazine burglar.

It's just...
Do you know how often I win

at stuff... in this family?

Uh... four?

Never. I never win.

Any time we play board games
or "thinky" games

or that terrifying hanging game

where a little stickman
has to die

if you don't guess the letters?

Do you know how many
horrible stickman deaths

I have on my hands?!

I always lose,
but this time I won.

And, I don't know,
I-I wanted to remember it.

- Oh. - Oh, Gene.
- Aw.

Huh, I guess we kinda have
something in common, Gene.

- We're both dentists?
- No. I'm saying...

I know how it is when you feel
like you just can't win.

There are some
dental office waiting rooms,

namely Dr. Agnes McAllister's,

that are just impossible
to compete with.

She's got a cage of rabbits.

There are whole families
that switched to her

just so they can look
at the rabbits!

I can't have rabbits
in my waiting room,

because the building
doesn't permit animals!

Does that make her better
than me? Does it?

There's a dentist office
with rabbits? Where?

Tina. Mm-mm.

I guess
what I'm saying is that...

I get it. I could use
a win sometimes, too.

Rabbits don't even
make sense.

They should be
at the ear doctor.

- Or the fertility clinic.
- Why?

- Oh, 'cause rabbits have a lot of...
- Okay!

Aw, my little Geney-zuchini.

I get that it felt good
to beat your sister

- at the polka dot game.
- Dots and Boxes.

Right. But I hope you know
that you are so good

at so many things,
and they're not always easy

to measure on a board game
or a magazine page.

And, uh, hey, some people are
really good at those things.

Like, crazy good,
and that's me.

But, uh, Gene,
you squeaked out a win today.

And I'm proud of you.
You're on the board.

And I'm coming for you
next teeth cleaning.

- So, in three years?
- Yep, rematch.

Thanks, Louise. Bring it.

But not too hard.
But bring it.

Oh, and Gene? Here.

Keep it, Dr. Yap.
I just want this page.

I actually just want you
to throw it out for me.

- It's all dirty and moist.
- I'll take it!

There's a, there's a
science thing I was interested

in taking a look at.

- There's my guy... miss me?
- Bob! Linda!

Everyone!
Get out here! Hurry!

I got the poop off!

It looks great, Teddy.
Thank you.

- Aw, looks good!
- Come outside!

Come be part of this!

Oh, I think he's crying.
We'd better go out.

Eh, it turns out I was
pressure washing from my arms,

but you got to pressure wash
from your gut.

And your heart.

And you also got
to do it properly.

Thank you, Teddy.
Um, Dr. Yap?

Did you tell that guy
he could reach into your car?

Hey, hey, hey! Get away
from my Mazda-rati!

- I thought it was a Porsche.
- Parts! It's both!

Mostly Honda!

How's it hooting, night owls?

You kids liking
your later bedtime?

Actually I'm feeling
kind of tired.

Oh, not me. I'm just closing
my eyes during the commercials.

And if someone could bring me
a blanket and tuck me in

right here, I can continue
staying up, thank you.

I was just having a dream
about our later bedtime.

It was amazing.
You woke me up from it!

Well, this is what it's like.

You're living
the late-bedtime life.

La vida late night... oh.

So later bedtime means
we have to carry

- all three kids to their beds now?
- Stack 'em up on the rug

and we'll slide 'em.
Get their feet.

- ♪ I did it ♪
- ♪ He did it ♪

♪ I got the poop off, I did it ♪

- ♪ Got the poop off ♪
- ♪ I'll tell you how ♪

- ♪ Oh, I did it ♪
- ♪ He did it ♪

♪ I got the poop off, I did it ♪

- ♪ Ha ♪
- ♪ Tell us how you did it ♪

♪ You got to do
it with your heart ♪

- ♪ Do it with your heart ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You got to do
it with your gut ♪

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Do it with your gut ♪

♪ You got to do
it with your arms ♪

- ♪ Oh, no ♪
- ♪ With your arms ♪

♪ You got to do it,
but most importantly ♪

♪ You got to do it
properly, oh, yeah. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Sync corrections by srjanapala