Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 19 - Bridge Over Troubled Rudy - full transcript

♪ ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Hoo boy, this is
a big deal for old Tina.

My first time plant-sitting.

But not my last, if I nail it.

Sure.
Plants give referrals, right?

Some give rashes.
Does that help?

- Hey there.
- Hello, Mr. Rudy's Dad.

I just want you to know,
your plants are in good hands.

And by hands, I mean
the human leaves of the arms.

These arms.



Okay. Well, come in.

I'll go get
the plant-sitting guide.

Warning: I wrote it after
a couple of glasses of vino,

so it gets
a little confessional.

There he is. Rudy Rudy bo-booty.

Yep, hi.

Geez, control
your excitement, Rudes.

We can leave and come back in.

Maybe this time throw out
a "hey-oh, friends ahoy."

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm stressed.

Dad's going away
for two weeks so I'm packing

for my Mom's place and I don't
want to forget anything.

It's like, how many silk
handkerchiefs should I pack?

- Uh, none?
- But what if there's
magic to do?



I can't just run back here
any time I need handkerchiefs.

Okay. Someone's worked up.

Come on, let's go to your room.
You can pack

and we'll help
by playing with your toys.

All righty,
here's the plant guide.

Oop. You know what,
you don't need to see this page.

- Right this way.
- Knock 'em dead, T.

You mean, uh, water 'em...
alive. (chuckles)

Deep breaths, Tina.
You're scaring people.

Yeah, little bit.

Okay, back to packing.

Dress socks... I brought way

too many last time.

Less is more
with these bad boys.

Probably not bringing
your bike to your mom's, huh?

'Cause of that popped tire?
We rode bikes on the trail

- behind his mom's place.
- Rough terrain.

Popped my tire
and shook my soul.

Wow. You guys are
the Goose and Maverick

of just getting
your training wheels off.

Whoa. Check out the snack pile.

(gasps) Hello, my pretties.

Yeah, my Dad wants me to take
'em so they don't go stale

while he's away.
It's all healthy stuff.

Mung bean puffs?

(munching)
Bleh. Puff, puff, pass.

The veggie chips
are pretty good.

(munching) Styrofoamy, salty.

- These are good.
- Take 'em.

- Bless you, sir.
- Well,

it's time to pack hats.

Get ready
for some tough decisions.

Whoa.

What's that?

That's a fedora. Cool, right?

No, that.

Huh? Oh, that's
a blaster bridge.

My Dad and I built it.
He had to buy it on eBay

'cause they don't make 'em
anymore... too dangerous.

Wha... What's
so dangerous about it?

Uh, allow me
to answer your question

by showing you
a little something called

"an old ad on the Internet."

♪ ♪

The enemy's advancing.

We got to blow the bridge.

BOTH: Ignition!

♪ Blaster Bridge. ♪

Sweet explosive lord.

I know.
I can't wait to blow it up.

Who said anything about waiting?

Why not do it
right freaking now?

Well, first of all,
my dad can't be around for it.

He's allergic to sulfur,
which I guess is in

- the explosive thingies.
- Remind me to uninvite your dad

to my hot springs party.

Also, it turns out
the condo board is not into us

blowing up stuff
in the common area.

-They sound dumb.
-They are. So, after
my dad's vacation,

he's gonna drive it
to my mom's house

and I'm gonna blow it up there.

Hey, I know a fun time
to do all that. Now?

No, my plate's pretty full with
packing up all my other stuff

right now. Speaking of which,
back to my hats.

Which one is better
for my Mom's house?

Eh or... eh?

- Mm.
- (groans)

So, that about covers the ferns.

And just remember,
a little spritz

keeps them looking fern-tastic.

Feel free to use
the spray bottle holster

that's in the closet. It's fun
and it goes with any outfit.

- That all make sense?
- Uh-huh.

Okey-doke.
Now on to my pride and joy.

Wow.

Yeah, bonsais.

Are you picturing yourself
shrunken down having

- a lazy day lean against
one of these little beauties?
- Uh, yep.

So water goes in there.

Well, there's more
to bonsai care than that.

These trees
are a living art form.

They're delicate
and incredibly sensitive.

I heard that. (chuckles)

Seriously, though, I heard it.

Oh, yeah, you can tell
why they outlawed this thing.

Gunpowder and sharp edges? Mwah.

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Don't touch.

The explosive things
are old and unstable.

I bumped into it once
when I was getting up

for a midnight tinkle
and a couple of 'em went off.

It was scary and loud.

- Sounds like one wild tinkle.
- Scary and loud?

Are you trying to make me
want this more?

It's not always about
what you want, okay, Louise?

Do I wish the bridge
could magically show up

at my mom's house?
Yes. Of course I do!

Because it would be great
and also because I love magic.

But loading this big bridge
would be a whole thing,

and right now I have
to pack for two weeks!

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.

I got to say,
right now you're being a...

a bit of a weenie.

Uh, hey.

What kind of lighting
is that, Rudy... recessed?

- Louise?
- Mm-hmm?

- Please leave.
- Say what?

I think you should go.
For a lot of reasons.

Also, I'm about
to pack my underpants,

and I would like some privacy.

So, yeah, this is Miyoko.

My little scrapper.
Keep an eye on her leaves.

They should be
a yellowish-green.

Now, if they're greenish-yellow,

put her under
strict observation, okay?

- How strict?
- You never leave her side.

Or, you know,
do whatever seems reasonable

for the $25 I'm paying you.

Okay, that's everything.

- Ready, Tina?
- Yep. Coming.

- All right. Take care, kids.
- You, too.

Have fun at your
divorced dad safari.

Oh, that-that's
not where I'm going.

- Just a guess.
- Okay, bye.

MORT: So I told the guy,

"Keep jacking up
the price of the stuff

and they're gonna have
to call it five-maldehyde."

(gasps, laughs) Because five
is more than four.

-Hm.
-So now I just pay
a lot for formaldehyde,

- and that's fine.
- Look at you.

Nothing rattles Mort.
Not even dead people

- and all their shenanigans.
- Yeah.

You always keep your cool.
It's kind of infuriating.

- Nothing rattles you, Mort?!
- BOB: Easy, Teddy.

My secret: I meditate.

And the small stuff
just rolls off my back.

Huh. I always
wanted to try that.

And you know
who should try it... this guy.

Nothing rolls off his back,
not even sweat.

It just beads up. It's weird.

Um, thanks. I-I mean,

I'm kind of curious
about meditation.

I guess I just don't want
to be alone with my thoughts?

Ugh, what's Jimmy doing?

Huh? Nothing.
He's standing there.

It bugs me so much.

I think you'd get
a lot out of meditation, Bob.

I could show you how it's done.

All we need is a quiet place

where no one will bother us
for 20 minutes.

I mean, most days
that's the restaurant.

Yeah, we could do it here.

I need to finish Mrs. Sobel's
makeup for the service.

Her last wishes were
"Have fun with it."

But I can come back tomorrow.
How's that? Who's in?

-Sure. -Sounds good. -I'm in.

Then it's a date...
A medi-date to medi-tate.

Oh, don't ruin it, Mort.

(grunts)

Louise, everything okay?

You keep riding
into my back tire. (grunts)

- What? Oh, I'm fine.
- Are you thinking about how bad

you feel about calling Rudy
a weenie in front of his hats?

(scoffs) No.

I was just thinking about...
logistics.

I believe you're trying
to say "la fish sticks"?

Logistics about
how you're gonna apologize,

because it sounds like
you should?

I do not need to apologize.

I meant logistics for my plan.

I got Rudy's message,
loud and clear.

He wants to blow
up that bridge so bad.

And he wants us to make
that happen ASAP.

Okay, great, but it doesn't seem

like that was
his message at all?

It was, and tomorrow
we can help with that.

- This is just
a transportation glitch.
- Glitch, please.

Okay, I'm heading
to Rudy's dad's house.

- Bye, everyone.
- Bye, Tina.

Have fun sitting on your plants.

Uh, wait, Tina, um, Gene and I
thought we'd go with you.

You know, for moral support.

- Aw, so nice.
- That is nice.

Yeah, weirdly nice. Sorry.
I didn't mean to say weirdly.

But why do you want to do that?

Because we're really
great siblings?

Yeah, you are. Now go on, get.

And next time you see us,
we'll be all chilled out,

'cause Mort's gonna teach us
how to meditate.

Really? Even you, Dad?

I know. I'm scared.

Hey, if you want
to try ayahuasca next,

Ken knows a shaman.

Thanks. Ken's not real.

The shaman said
none of us are real.

I've got to be honest,

I was feeling the plant-sitting
jitters, but now

but now that I've got
you two on my side,

- noth...
- Yep, yep, sounds good, so let's

run through the plan
for moving Rudy's bridge

- over to his mom's place.
- Wait.

- You're still serious
about that?
- Uh, yeah.

I want to blow up the bridge.

Rudy wants to blow up
the bridge.

So I'm doing this amazing favor

and he's lucky to have me

and I never did
or said anything wrong.

Okay, but I don't think
I can help.

Those plants need
a lot of attention.

Rudy's dad said they feel
jealousy, too, so I...

Tina, relax.
Gene and I have got this.

So here's the plan:
we can balance the model

on one of our bikes
and walk it over to...

- Aah.
- What, Gene?

- You used the W word.
- Walk?

- Aah.
- Okay.

Maybe instead we do
the leg-positive thing,

and ask Mom and Dad
to drive the model for us?

Dad wouldn't want it in the car.

Remember how weird he was
about taking home

that bottle rocket we found?

You mean
Little Orphan Boom Boom?

I think this is
what we call in the business,

a "don't tell Mom and Dad"
situation.

Mm.

LOUISE: Huh. It's a little...

...bigger than I remembered.

- Uh-huh.
- Gene, you haven't
finished those yet?

I'm pacing myself. Oh, no.
Are these healthy snacks

giving me healthy eating habits?

I don't want to think about it.

You guys, look at these leaves.

Do they look sick
or really, really fine?

Are they supposed to fall off
when you breath on them?

Uh, I don't think so.
I guess I could read to her?

Rudy's dad left a reading list.

Lot of grown-up books.
Who's Henry Miller?

No offense, T, but we've got
our own problems right now.

Whoa, that's the bridge?
It's kind of big, right?

And fragile. And explosive.

- Aren't we all?
- Cool, cool.

So maybe don't do this plan?

- Because it's bad?
- Nuh-uh.

We're doing it,
but, hey, it's me and Gene.

The professionals...
We can handle it.

- Sure, sure.
- Gene, get that side?

- Roger that.
- (grunting)

Is anything happening?

This is killing me.

(Tina sighs)

Thanks for helping, Tina.

Rudy's mom lives
less than a mile away.

So we should be there in time

for Rudy's afternoon
nasal cleanse.

I'd hate to miss it.

Okay, this should work
for little sickie Miyoko.

What's, uh, going on
with that whole situation, Tina?

Rudy's dad uses it so the
bonsais can hear his heartbeat.

When I want that I just
climb up inside Dad's shirt

like a baby kangaroo.

MORT: Everyone comfortable?

- Yeah - Uh-huh.

How about you, Bob?

I mean, things hurt.

But, um, you know,
a normal amount.

Very good.
Now, everyone, close your eyes.

I want you to focus
on your breath.

Breath or breasts?

(groans) Mort, sicko.

I said breath.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If your thoughts distract you,

just come back to your breath.

(yawning):
I think I'm starting
to feel something.

MORT:
Thoughts are going to arise.

Don't resist them.

What are you doing?
The walk-in needs to be cleaned.

- Mm.
- Also shouldn't you be doing
sit-ups instead of this?

And also aren't you
hungry right now?

- He just ate.
- Yeah, but that doesn't count.

- If he's hungry he's hungry.
- Yeah, don't food shame him.

Hmm. I'm starting
to get hungry now.

Will you guys look at this mole?
Uh, normal? Scary?

-(Bob whimpers)
-MORT: Just come back
to the breath.

- (Bob breathing deeply)
- That's it, breathe.

Breathe.

- Breathe.
- ♪ ♪

And open your eyes.

Wow, that felt... really good.

- H-How about you guys?
- (snoring) Wha-wha-wha...

Okay, easy does it.

Don't want to set anything off.

We're going pretty slow. So slow

that I can't tell
for sure if we're moving.

Wait, are we moving?

- Ah, bump.
- Slower. Go slower.

- Mum-mum-mum.
- Gene, eyes on the road.

Just one more chip.
My body needs fuel.

- Aah.
- What the...

Sprinklers! Back it up, people.

(Gene and Tina groan)

The model, did it get wet?

I think water's bad
for the explosive thingies.

That could be a line
from
The Hurt Locker.

Oh, no. Miyoko, please
tell me you didn't get wet.

I've already watered her today.
Overwatering is

very bad for a bonsai.

Phew, okay, she's dry.

The model's dry, too.
All right, uh, new plan.

We cross the street,
go around the sprinklers.

I don't think so. Look.

GENE:
Ah, this neighborhood
loves irrigation.

Maybe we could walk
really slowly in the street,

hope cars see a sick bonsai
and a bridge model

and just kind of get it.

Or we, uh, go through.

Nope, nope, don't like it.

It'll be easy.
We just, uh, time it out

so the sprinklers don't hit us.

Did you say go back
to Rudy's dad's house?

I think that's what I heard.

Come on, we gotta
get this thing to Rudy

to make him feel better,
in general.

Not about the weenie thing.
Who brought that up?

- Geez, Tina, let it go.
- Huh?

So, are we gonna
do this thing or what?

(sighs) Fine.

Veggie chip,
give me strength. Yum-yum.

♪ We're moving
an explosive bridge
♪

♪ Explosive bridge, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ We're moving
an explosive bridge
♪

♪ Explosive bridge, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

Doing great, guys. Almost there.

This is so stressful.
Stress isn't good for plants.

Or plant-sitters.

Relax. This is
Rudy's mom's street.

We turn here
and it's a straight shot.

Or... maybe not.

GENE: Oh, boy.

TINA:
Torn-up street and no sidewalk.

-Great.
-This would be a perfect time
for a giant drone

to swoop down and carry us over.
Hint, hint, Jeff Bezos.

- What do we do now, Louise?
- Well, I mean,

there is another way.

Over there.

We dump this thing
and go live in the woods?

- I'm into that.
- That's the trail
Rudy and I ride on sometimes.

It goes
right behind Rudy's mom's house.

Isn't that the trail
that's so rough

- it popped Rudy's bike tire?
- Wait, what?

It's not that bad.

I mean, yeah,
the trail's a little bumpy.

- Aah...
- Aah...

Okay, pretty bumpy.
But it's our only option.

It's way farther
if we turn back.

Uh...

And hey, thanks again for
the pushing you've been doing.

I mean, pizza and beers on me
when this is all over, eh?

- If that thing doesn't blow up
and kill us all.
- What was that?

Nothing. Into the woods.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, steady.
Watch out. Bump coming.

Another bump coming.
Lot of bumps coming.

Yeah, it's all friggin' bumps.

It's the bumpiest trail
in the world.

The bridge is gonna explode,
and there's gonna be

bonsai organs everywhere,
Louise.

I have six and a quarter
veggie chips left.

I hope I live
to snack on them again.

BOB:
You know, I feel really calm.

It's like I did one nice thing
for my brain ever,

and it can't stop thanking me.

I know. I feel so refreshed.

- Well, you did fall asleep.
- No, I meditated. I went deep.

To sleep.

I feel terrific, too.

So meditated.

- Oh, yeah?
- No. It didn't work.

I don't know, I just thought
about wrenches the whole time.

Was I supposed to? Is that good?

Hey, Bob.
Can I borrow some empty space?

My restaurant ran out.
Heh, zoom.

Ha. That's a thinker,
but it's good.

Hey, Jimmy, Trev. What's up?

"Hey, Jimmy"?
What's with you, cool guy?

Bob's relaxed
'cause he meditated.

-We all did.
-But we're beginners
and we're learning,

and it doesn't always work
the first time.

Meditated? Sounds stupid.

It's actually really calming.

You know what?
I'm gonna do it again right now.

Ew, gross.

I just close my eyes

and focus on my breath.

(inhales deeply)

Focus on some breath mints.
Zoom.

- (laughs)
- Ha.

If I have thoughts,
that's totally fine.

I come back to the breath.

Breathe in. (inhales)

Breathe out. (exhales)

Eh, this is dumb.

Let's go make fun
of people who park bad.

That's fine.
Whatever you guys want to do.

Okay, now Bob's
kind of scary calm.

- Linda?
- (Linda snoring)

Huh? Wha-Wha-Wha?

- (panting): How much further?
- See that?

That is the back
of Rudy's mom's house.

It's exactly
how I always imagined

the back of Rudy's mom's house.

But for some reason
I pictured a pergola.

I need to catch my breath.

Really Miyoko's breath,
because she gives off oxygen.

I know about plants.
Also, they hurt you

when they press against you
for a long time.

Time to rotate her.
Gene, you got this?

- Okay.
- Aah.

Gene, you said you had it.

I thought you wanted me
to rotate the bonsai.

I get that a lot.

(distorted): No...!

Crap, crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap, crap.

- Aah. Got 'em. Phew.
- Yes. Ha-ha. Eat it, gravity.

- Louise, could you check Miyoko?
- Sure.

- Uh...
- What?

Do, uh, bonsais shed
their limbs off?

- Miyoko's branch.
- Yikes.

- Uh-oh.
- Louise, all I wanted

was to do a good job
plant-sitting,

and now I've ripped
Miyoko's arm off.

- I thought that was his wiener.
- Miyoko's a girl.

Her wiener. Sorry.

(grunts)
This whole bridge-moving thing.

You just want to blow it up.
That's all you care about.

Now Miyoko's bleeding to death.
Maybe. I-I don't know.

Of course I want to blow it up.

But that's not the only reason
I'm doing this.

I just feel like I have
to do this because of what I...

Ah, forget it.

Oh, my God, is this all
just your really weird,

totally inconvenient way
of saying you're sorry

without saying you're sorry?

(scoffs)
That's crazy. Saying I'm sorry?

For what? For being a great
friend who delivers bridges?

RUDY:
Huh? What are you guys
doing here?

Is that my bridge model?

- What the hell?
- Oh, hey, Rudes.

What are you doing here
in your... backyard?

I heard shouting,
so I came to see...

Wait. You brought the model
from my dad's house?

And now it's hanging
over a cliff?

I mean, it's not really a cliff.

- But...
- Uh, hey, how about you help us

pull these bikes up,

and then we can talk
about how excited you are

that I... we did this for you.

- Ha-ha.
- On a lighter note,

looks like you picked
the perfect hat.

- (straining)
- Easy...

Ah. Nice work, everyone.

- What a team.
- So, uh,

maybe we can move this thing
somewhere safe? I mean...

- It's already sliding off again.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah, you guys
are not great at this.

Bob. Linda.

Jimmy,
what happened to your voice?

I went back to my restaurant
and meditated.

-Just like you did, Bob.
-Yeah,
Bob.

I feel so relaxed,

like I just had a long,
totally legit massage.

That's great, Jimmy.

Yeah. I came over to say
I think it worked for me

even better
than it worked for you, Bob.

Well, it's not a competition,
Jimmy.

That's something you'd say
when you know

- you'd lose the competition.
- Ha.

Uh-oh, fightin' words.

Who would judge?

Not Linda. That'd be illegal.

Not Trev, either.

Fair. We're too close.

We're not that close.

- Brother from another mother.
- No.

How about Mort? I mean...

Ugh. This is dumb.
Forget I said anything.

Great idea, Linda.
I'm gonna call Mort.

All right.

Okay, so, you have your bridge,

and you can blow it up
whenever you want.

(chuckles): It's not about us.

And to prove it,
we will take our leave.

Oh. Okay. Bye, Rudy.

I'm just gonna go back
to your dad's.

Miyoko had a nice walk,
and she is, um, perfectly fine.

Huh. I definitely want
to blow it up.

And you guys could watch,
since you're here anyway.

- You... sure?
- Yeah.

-Very well.
Whatever the gentleman wants.
-Uh...

Okay, great. Let me
just go grab some safety goggles

and some explosion snacks.

I wouldn't say no to a chip
of the veggie variety,

if you're still holding.

MORT: As I once said

about eco-friendly
cardboard caskets,

I'm not sure how this will work,
but I'm game to try.

Yeah, how do you even judge
a thing like this?

It's fine.
We'll figure it out, right?

Point for Jimmy.
Calm acceptance.

Yeah. Jimmy accepted
the crap out of that.

- Good for you, Jimmy.
- That's a point for Bob.

Am I late? Linda texted me

that there was
a who-meditated-better contest.

They're just starting.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

How's business, Jimmy?

Fantastic. How's it here? Bad?

Point deduction.
Insults are not Zen.

Sorry, pal.

Point for Jimmy.
Owning mistakes.

- Oh, I didn't mind it.
- Point for Bob.

You know,
when you think about it,

there's no "my point"
or "Jimmy's point."

It's just...
one point we all share.

Ten points for Bob.

(Jimmy stifles grunt)

- I think Bob's winning.
- Bob's like a monk.

Yeah, with even less hair.

(chuckles) Good one.

Laughing Buddha point for Bob.

Negative 20 points for Jimmy.

Come on, seriously?

Where do you get
these numbers from?

Negative five points.
I'm doing my best.

Oh, here's a point: you're dumb.

You're dumb. You're dumb.
You're all dumb.

And I'm great. I win.

- Come on, Trev.
- Wow. Your forehead vein
is really big.

Will you shush? I know it is.

I can see it
out of the corner of my eye.

- Yay, Bobby.
- You crushed him, Bob.

You wiped the floor with him.

Negative point for Teddy.
Aggressive.

Mort, so help me...

Oh, God.
Being relaxed is exhausting.

I think
I'm gonna go clean the grill

- and stress about things
for a bit.
- You do that, sweetie.

We'll hang out here.
Mort can keep giving us points.

- How many points for me, Mort?
- Uh, four.

Yay.

Stand back, everybody.

Big explosion in five, four,

three, two,

one... ignition.

I'm sorry I called you a weenie.

(light popping)

Whoa.

That's it?
I expected it to be... louder.

- And blow-up-ier.
- I expected to need
new underwear.

But these tighties
remain whitey.

Well, my ears
are still ringing, baby.

Wait. Did you just say
you were sorry?

I guess.

Yeah, I am sorry.

Huh. I mean,
you kind of wedged it in there.

Yeah, well,
I'm sorry I kept pushing you

when you were stressed out.

And I'm sorry
I called you a weenie.

You're not.
You're the opposite of a weenie.

- A beanie?
- And I'm sorry I didn't
just say sorry right away.

I'm not great at that, maybe.

And I'm glad we're friends.

Thanks, Louise.
Right back atcha.

Also, since the sorry train
has left the station...

Tina, I'm sorry
about Miyoko's branch.

It's okay. Maybe I wasn't
cut out for plant-sitting.

Some days the plants sit
on you, am I right?

Whoa, did you trim Miyoko?

- Um...
- It works.

I think she looks more balanced.

- My dad's gonna love it.
- Oh. I-I mean, yeah, he should.

So... now what do we blow up?

Well, I don't want
to blow them up,

but I packed
my silk handkerchiefs.

(singsongy):
Who's in the mood
for some magic?

- GENE and TINA: Me.
- Or we could blow up that chair.

- No, no, I-I like that chair.
- Or that bird feeder?

No. Louise, I...
You don't understand.

(laughs):
I'm kidding. Rudy,
go get those handkerchiefs.

Okay. Or do I have them already?

No, I don't.
Okay, I gotta go get them.

I-I'll be right back.

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out, breathe out ♪

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out... ♪

(panting)

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

BOB (echoing):
Come back to the breath.

Breathe in. (inhales)

Breathe out. (exhales)

LINDA: I meditated. I went deep.

BOB: Oh, God.
Being relaxed is exhausting.

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out, breathe out ♪

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out... ♪

LINDA: I think I'm starting
to feel something.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.