Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 10 - Have Yourself a Maily Linda Christmas - full transcript

LINDA: ♪ Goin' to my temp
job on Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Extra money's nice when
you're a little bit poor ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪ Buh-pum.

I still can't believe the
post office lets randos

- like Mom come in and sort the mail.
- GENE: Why not?

Have you seen her sort underpants?

The woman's a prodigy.

It's the busiest time of
the year for the post office.

They need so much help
they almost don't care

- where it comes from.
- LOUISE: Clearly.

What are you doing



with that totally normal
looking Santa doll?

I'm gonna hide him in the post office

and whoever finds him wins a candy cane.

Right. Um, why?

'Cause it's Christmas Eve, Bob.

Everyone wants a little Christmas cheer

from Linda's big sack.

Maybe don't say big sack.

- GENE: Big sack!
- TINA: Big sack! - (groans) Mm.

Now that I have your attention.

Super friendly reminder that tonight

is the first annual Kid-Only
Belcher Kid Gift Exchange.

Aw, so generous.

Not really. Price
limit is one allowance.



That's low. Your allowance
is almost nothing.

Yup. Yup. Definitely a challenge.

Aw, I can't wait.

- Anyway. Bye.
- Uh, Lin?

When will you be home? Remember,

your parents and sister
are coming over later.

Yeah, all three of 'em.

Hey, they're like the three wise men.

- Right. Except one brings hurtful comments.
- (chimes)

(shouting indistinctly)

- One brings lots of phlegm.
- (cough)

- And one is Gayle.
- Hi.

Y-You need to be here
when they show up. Please?

Don't worry, Bob. I'm
coming home right after work.

Eesh, you think I don't know
what happens when my parents

and Gayle get together and I'm
not there to keep the peace?

It'll be the ottoman
situation all over again.

- The ottoman situation?
- Don't mention it, Bob.

Just don't even bring it up.

And also, you'll be here, right?

- To... not bring it up?
- TINA: We'll be here, Dad.

That's nice, but you guys

just give them a hug
and then you run away.

Uh-uh. We sneak away.

To be fair, I'm a lot.

Less is more with me.

(jingle bells ringing)

Sort, sort, sort, sort,
sort, sort, sorted.

Sort, sort, sort, sort...

Scratch my butt, that feels good.

Ah! So much mail.

If you ask me, though,

this is the best place
to be on Christmas Eve.

Except at home.

And if you accidentally
got locked in the mall.

I bet that would be really fun.

- Shopping spree.
- Uh, huh...

- Yeah. (chuckles)
- Just think.

There's little presents in
every one of these boxes.

We get to play Santa. We spread cheer.

All over the world, people are
sending stuff, getting stuff...

Faces are lighting up.

Old ones. Young ones.

Famous ones.

Andie MacDowell, probably.

And it's all because of
us; well, me, temporarily.

You're lucky, you get
to do it full-time.

Huh? Uh, you say something?

Oh. Oh. Well, I'll just tell you again.

Just think. There's little presents
in every one of these boxes.

Ah! My gah! What is this hideous thing?

Donna! Ha-hey.

You found Santa.

Now you get to keep the candy cane.

Everyone loves a candy cane, right?

But it's chocolate-flavored;
it's kinda gross.

- I didn't read the box.
- Uh-huh.

Seasonal hires. Lord help me.

Mike... There he is.

Mike, you're the one
who vouched for Linda

during the hiring process, correct?

- Uh... yeah.
- Aw, thanks, Mike.

What a nice guy, right?

Oh, he's backing away
without saying anything.

Okay, bye, Mike.

LOUISE: Hey, T.
Whatcha... up to?

Ah, Louise!

Did you, um, see inside the tote?

Uh, I totes did not.

Did you see what was inside the tote?

No. Geez, Tina. Easy, girl.

Sorry. I... It's just the first annual
Kid-Only Belcher Kid Gift Exchange.

- We're all feeling the pressure.
- Right.

Ugh. I saw the gift exchange
gifts Tina got for us.

- That bad, huh?
- No. Good.

Remember at the grocery store,

there was a vending
machine with Burobu figures,

and I wanted the Slug-aconda

but it was too far
from the vending hole?

Not really. But that's
vending holes for you.

Tina remembered. Ugh. She must've been

plugging quarters into
that thing all afternoon.

- What did she get me?
- I'm not sure.

It was like a little tub of sprinkles?

Were they pink?

Actually, yeah.

She got me Pinkles?!

My favorite frozen yogurt topping,

and only available wholesale.

Ugh, Tina.

- Gah... This is bad. This is very bad.
- Wait. Why?

'Cause my gift for her

isn't half as good as her gift for me.

What's Santa gonna think?

Oh, he's so judge-y.

- What is your gift for Tina?
- What's yours?

Wait. We'll say it as the same time.

One, two, three...

BOTH: Barrette.

- Seriously?
- Hoo boy.

Now a barrette looks
like we didn't try at all.

I mean, I still had to go
into her drawer and get one.

And this one's going to the plant.
And this one's going to the plant.

And this one's going to the plant.

Linda! Do you have to say
that for every package?

- Sorry, sorry, Donna.
- All right, people,

as of this minute, the
post office is closed.

The sooner we're gone,
the sooner we're not here.

CUSTOMER: Uh, please?

- It's Christmas!
- Wha...?

Sir, we're closed.

Yeah, but it's a present for my nephew.

- He's... He's seven.
- Aw. His little nephew.

This needs to get to
him on Christmas Day.

Special delivery. You...
you do that, right?

We do that if you get it
in before five minutes ago.

Listen, maybe you have a
nephew who you love very much?

- I have kids.
- Kids?

That's not the same thing.

But you get it, kinda.
This is important.

I'm late for a flight
or I-I'd take it myself.

All right, all right, all right.
I'll take it, just hurry up.

Oh! Thank you.

(gasps) I just spied
on a Christmas miracle.

Like one of those goats
looking at little baby Jesus.

Aw, eating a tin can, looking at Jesus.

Truck's here. Load 'em up!

Oh, right, right, right, right.

Ugh. How many times do
I have to say it, people?

Stack your empties. Your
mom doesn't work here.

Except for Ernie, because I'm his mom.

ERNIE: Gah! Mom!

LINDA: Where'd I hide Santa?

Oh, gotcha, you rascal.

Who stacked these? Geez.

(gasps) The gift for the little nephew.

Come on, Linda. I'm locking up.

Donna, look.

This never made it onto the truck.

(sighs) Really? Crap.

Well, whoever sent it can file a claim.

But there's a present
in here for a little boy.

- How do you know that?
- The guy said.

He came in just as we were closing.

But people in that situation
have been known to lie.

It could be anything in
there; it could be human poop.

What? People send poop in the mail?

- Oh, yeah.
- Why?

Ah, different reasons.

- Mostly bad.
- Oh.

Linda, if that package
isn't at the plant by now,

there's nothing we can do.

Put it aside, we'll
get to it on the 26th.

Now let's go.

But... nephew... Christmas.

DONNA: Linda! Come on!

I got to do something.
Oh, Santa's in there.

Keep your mouth shut, Santa.
I'm doing this for you.

I took a package, don't
know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take it to the plant.

I don't have time to
take it to the plant.

I got to get back to the house.

But how else is it gonna get to the nephew?
Ah, I need a candy cane.

Ugh, chocolate. (spitting)

TINA: Grandma and Grandpa
haven't been here in a while.

Big night, huh, Dad?

I'll bet they're gonna say I grew.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep.

Oh, God, Linda, get home.

Uh, wh-where's your brother and sister?

Probably wrapping gifts
for the gift exchange.

If I know them, everything
has to be just so.

Ugh. Not even Tina's journal
can help us find a gift for Tina.

- (door closing)
- GENE: Mom's home.

Or that stray cat that knows
how to open doors is back.

The relatives will be here
soon, and then we're stuck.

I just know Santa's looking
at us right now, going...

(grumbling) Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Tina, don't chop so fast.

We'll finish cooking too soon

and I won't have an excuse
to stay in the kitchen

when your grandparents
and Gayle are here.

Copy that.

- Chop...
- Slower.

Chop...

Oh, thank God. You're home.

How long until they get here again?

Uh, like a half hour. Why?

Hm. Half hour. I think I can make it.

- Go-ho-ho-ho for it.
- (jingle bells jingling)

I need to pop out.

Just for a second. It's a work thing.

What? Don't "I have
to pop out" me, Linda.

You're the buffer between
me and your parents.

And you help keep the peace
between them and Gayle.

- Bob...
- And you know all the lies

that Gayle tells them to make it sound

like she's having a better
life than she's having.

- I can't keep track.
- Remember when she told them

she was doing some
eyebrow modeling abroad?

Bob, calm down. I'll be
back before you know it.

Just... drink.

(sighs) Fine. Hurry, please.

Gene and I are gonna go with Mom.

- What?
- We are?

Right, we are.

No, kids. I got to be quick.

But we've already spent so much

of Christmas Eve without our mommy.

We don't want to miss
another solitary second.

Aw, she called me "mommy."

Al right, fine. We're
going now, let's go.

(Bob whimpers)

I could go for some
Christmas Eve mommy time.

- Hell, no, Tina, you stay here!
- Cool, cool, cool.

LOUISE: What's in that mama-jama?

It's a very special gift for
someone's very special nephew.

Whose? Uncle Kracker's?

- Nephew Kracker?
- No. Maybe.

We're dropping it off
at the sorting plant.

This is a... mission.

To spread Christmas cheer.

It's fun, right? Christmas is fun.

Yeah! Take that,
Charlie Brown, you mope.

Question: on the way back,

can we stop somewhere cheap?

Uh, and well stocked with, you know,

just, like, Tina-friendly items?

Is this about your gift exchange?

You half-assed it, huh?

Ugh. I thought we all had
an agreement to half-ass it.

Well, everything's closed,
but we'll see what we can do.

And we got to get back
before Grandma says anything

like the horrible
things she normally says.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Maybe it's Mom and she's
just being really formal?

So you guys are here early.

Yeah, we were gonna
stop at my house first.

My big, rich person house.

- Your...?
- House that I bought

from being a world-famous
Internet doctor?

Right. Right.

But workmen were there.

I'm having some bathrooms removed.

Because you have so many bathrooms?

Don't worry, Bob, I'll keep
the one you always stink up.

(Bob and Gayle laughing)

- Oh, God.
- (hacking)

You okay, Grandpa?

Need something to drink?

- (hacking cough)
- Wow.

It's cold in here.

Did they turn off your heat again?

No. It's just winter.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable
in the living room, by the tree?

- Where's Linda?
- She'll be here any minute now.

- I hope.
- GLORIA: Oh!

That's supposed to be the tree?

(Bob whining)

Hello! Can somebody let us in?

I work for the Postal
Service. Temporarily.

Another Christmas Eve
screaming through a fence.

- (phone buzzing)
- Oh, it's your father.

Hi, sweetie. How are things?

Linda, where are you?

Your family's here.

- Already?
- Yeah.

I'm almost... sorta done.

Uh, I'll be back soon.

How soon is soon, Linda?

Soon, Bob. Where are
they? What are they doing?

Well, right now they're
in the living room.

Tina's telling them the story

of how she almost took piano lessons.

Ooh, that's a good story, but Bob,

- you got to be in there, too.
- What?

They need supervision.

They need a buffer.

I can't buff. I'm cooking.

Then bring 'em in there with you.

- (whimpering)
- I'm sorry.

- I love you very much.
- No, you don't!

I do and I'm gonna be
home soon and it'll be

- the best Christmas ever.
- (motor rumbling)

- I promise.
- Mom, look.

Oh! Oh, uh, truck's coming.

- Bob, I got to go.
- Linda, wait.

Oh, and if they bring
up the ottoman thing,

change the subject.

What's the ottoman thing again?

- I got to go. Bye.
- No!

(gasps) It's like the North Pole.

I think I smell reindeer.

- No, that's Gene.
- Thank you.

So we just drop the package and go?

No. We got to make sure
it goes out tonight.

We got to talk to the person in charge.

You mean the plant manager?

We got to get this package on the truck,

or it'll ruin some nephew's
Christmas and he'll probably cry

and none of the angels
will get their wings.

- Come on, Mom, try to sell it.
- Uh, how do I put this nicely?

Who the hell are you?

Sorry. Uh, Linda Belcher.

Postal clerk. Just for the holidays.

My-my boss is Donna... something.

Uh-huh. And these are your kids?

Eh, technically, biologically.

Can you help us out?

The package, it's for
Christmas delivery?

- Yeah.
- So it's Priority Express.

That truck left five minutes ago.

- That was the truck?
- Mm-hmm.

Also, you're a sorting clerk?

- Sorta.
- And you removed that package

from your P.O. without authorization?

I could call your superior.

Oh, God, don't tell Donna!

It would ruin our great relationship.

But it's Christmas Eve.

Drop the package in the
bin outside my office.

We'll forget this happened.

So it'll get there tomorrow?

God, no. December 26, if you're lucky.

But that's when they celebrate
Christmas somewhere, right?

Australia, Russia... I don't know.

(sighs): All right. Thanks.

Uh-huh. Bin's outside my office.

Wasn't that the bin?

Or is my bin-dar way off?

This isn't that far away.

And on Christmas Eve,
we'd get there in no time.

We'd even have time to stop
at the store real quick?

- Yeah, sure, sure.
- What about Dad?

He seems... what's a less sad way
of saying "scared of Grandma"?

(chuckles): He'll be fine.

He makes a big deal out
of seeing my parents,

- but he loves them, deep down.
- Real deep.

- (chuckles): So far deep.
- Puts his butt to sleep.

Yeah. Good. So, it's a
quick little long drive

- to another town pop-out.
- Yes!

All right, we got to do this quick.

Not that they'll come looking for us.

The guy at the plant
had enough going on.

He won't notice one little
bitty missing package, right?

(sighs): Oh. Seriously?

- (line rings)
- Hello?

Donna, it's Fred over
at the distro center.

I think one of your
seasonal hires went loco

and made off with a
Priority Express parcel.

Oh. Let me guess.

Linda Belcher? I'll take care of it.

Hello? It's Donna.

Hey, Donna. What's up?

Linda Belcher went rogue.

She took a Priority Express package

and is delivering it herself.

- Dear Lord. Not Priority Express.
- Uh-huh. You vouched for her.

- I need you to handle it.
- With care.

Did that sound cool?

Uh, sure.

(groans) Christmas is the worst.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah. ♪

GLORIA: Bob?

I think I threw away my medication.

- Will you root through the garbage for me?
- Uh, yeah.

You know, I don't have to
get my own Christmas tree.

(breathily): My lover gets it for me.

Dirk. Dirk Moneyrich.

Right, Bob? You met him.

Uh, ri... oh, right.

Remember, you guys arm-wrestled?

He said you flirted with him.

- Mm-hmm, yep, yep.
- Everyone good for drinks?

Uh, Grandpa, more milk?

(clearing phlegm): Yes, please.

Oh, my God.

Aw, this is fun, Bob.

Especially compared to last year

and all that business with...

(sighs heavily): the ottoman.

Uh, wait, what? Uh, hey,
uh, maybe we should...

Ugh! Again with the ottoman?

- Oh, no. Okay, uh...
- (gasps) Ottoman?

Um, uh...

♪ Deck the halls
with balls of holly ♪

- Take it, Tina!
- Uh, ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Da-da-deck the halls. ♪

(phone rings)

Uh-oh. Hello?

Linda, it's Mike.

Oh, h-hi, Mike.

Uh, how's your chestnuts?

They roasting? (nervous chuckle)

Do you still have that
Priority Express package?

I, uh...

Hey, look, it's okay.

We have mail carrier-mail
sorter confidentiality.

Okay. I've got it.
I'm-I'm dropping it off

for a little boy in Bog
Harbor on Murray Hill Drive.

Linda, there's no such thing

as mail carrier-mail
sorter confidentiality.

- Damn it!
- Reroute and bring the package to me.

And then you'll deliver it?

No. I'll bring it to the
plant. That's the law.

I-I can't do that, Mike.

Look, I was like you once.

I loved being a mailman on Christmas.

I felt like a large elf.

Or a small Santa.

I took the mail personally.

But now I just take the mail.

Aw, Mike, why?

You got to follow protocol.

No matter what the
package is or who it's for

or what they tell you is inside.

- You talking about poop?
- I'm talking about poop.

The guy who dropped this off
wasn't like that. He was nice.

Well-well, kind of weird,
a little sweaty, but nice.

Nice, sweaty and weird:
if my penis could talk.

Listen, Mike, I-I'm
sorry, but I got to pretend

my cell phone's not working now.

- (imitates static)
- L-Linda, don't do it.

- I'm losing you, Mike.
- Do not do this, Linda.

Sorry, honey. Even on Christmas Eve,

I can't fail the mail.

Did that sound badass, or...?

Uh, kinda.

♪ And a partridge in a pantry. ♪

Yay! Tina, that was great singing.

- What else can we sing?
- No more singing!

I want to talk about
the ottoman incident.

- Uh-oh.
- Crap.

Ottoman, ottoman, ottoman!

Let it go already!

Or, uh, let it snow.

Uh, o-one more time, people.

- Uh...
- Bob, you be the judge.

Listen to my side of the story,

then my parents' side,

and then tell me I'm right.

Ha! We're right!

Me? Judge? Uh, I just realized

I have to go to the bathroom

so much...

for so long. Bye-bye.

Uh...

anyone think I've grown at all?

- No.
- Good eye, good eye.

I can't believe even
the big chain stores

were closed for the holidays.

Since when did they have a soul?

Oh, it's hopeless. Mom,
just give me the package.

Whatever's in it, I'll give it to Tina.

No. Louise, no. Oh,
we're here, we're here!

Okay, here goes Christmas.

- MIKE: Linda Belcher.
- Aah!

- Mike!
- Yeah.

You're here? How'd you make it so fast?

Don't mess with a mail carrier.

We know all the surface streets.

Hand over the package, Linda.

Uh...

but, uh...

Quick, put a stamp on me
and tell him I'm the package.

I want to do this for you.

- Linda, give the package to me.
- Just let me deliver it!

Let me spread this Christmas
cheer, damn it!

You're not a mail carrier.

But we try to love her anyway.

That package is going back
to the plant. It's the law.

- Sounded cool when you said that.
- Finally.

Uh, I... I got to do this.

Even if there is no little boy in there.

- Uh, Mom?
- And even if there's nothing

in this package but a
whole bunch of human poop.

Mom, look.

LINDA (gasps): There is a little boy.

- He's real.
- And he's spectacular.

What is this? Are you
guys carolers or something?

We're not. We're kids.

Much like you, m'boy.

Uh, we're-we're from the post office.

Really? Is that package for me?

I'm not a mail carrier, but you are.

Come on, Mike, deliver the package.

- I don't know.
- Take it.

Mike, no.

- Damn.
- Cold-hearted.

Aw. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Signature required.

Aw, Mike, you're doing it. Like Santa.

What's happening?

Special delivery. I
need someone to sign.

Are you undercover mail people?

We sure are, ma'am.

- Have a candy cane.
- Oh.

A brown one?

Chocolate. It's chocolate.

- Oh.
- It's not great.

Okay. Um, thank you. Merry Christmas.

Uh, hey, what's, uh, what's
the gift sitch in there?

Got any extras?

- Any extra... presents?
- Extra gifts.

You know, you got so
many, you're like, "Ugh,

- I got doubles of this..."
- I mean, I...

I don't have doubles. No, I...

Kids, come on, let's go.

- You know?
- We open them tomorrow,

- so I don't really know.
- Oh, yeah?

You want to just give me one?

If it's great, I'll send it back.

If not, maybe I did you a favor.

Louise, now!

TINA: Dad?

- Hmm?
- Are you doing that thing

where you say you have
to go to the bathroom

but really you're just
sort of avoiding things?

No. I'm, uh, really going.

I would know if you
were. We all would know.

- Well...
- They need you in there, Dad.

Mom helps them to not talk about things.

Maybe you could go the other way?

You mean help them work it out?

Oof. Sounds hard. But yeah.

(sighs) All right, if I come out,

you're not just gonna run in
here and lock the door, are you?

- No.
- Promise?

Yes.

- (grunts)
- You promised!

Sorry, sorry. Got to stay strong.

Okay, tell me about the ottoman.

Finally!

It was last Christmas.

I was in Florida,

visiting them in their condo.

Dirk Moneyrich was at our
other house in Tuscany.

They were so happy to see me
because I'm their favorite.

And I had a really fun idea

for that night, when our
cousin Donnie was coming over.

I was gonna hide in the flip-up ottoman

Dad uses to store his slippers,

and when Donnie came
over, I was gonna jump out

(chuckles): and surprise him.

So I got in.

But I dozed off in there.

New meds.

When I tried to jump out,

I was trapped under
Donnie's stupid heavy gifts

that weren't even for me.

Then they left to go
to a movie without me!

I was in that ottoman
for hours, trapped,

with those smelly slippers.

It was hell!

We didn't know where you went.

We didn't think you were
serious about the ottoman.

Of course I was serious!
It was an incredible idea!

Also, I was yelling
for you to let me out!

- We're hard of hearing.
- Huh?

Al, we're talking about the ottoman!

- I keep my slippers in there.
- GAYLE: I know!

Their scent will haunt me!

I still wake up screaming, "Slippers!"

Okay, okay, everyone calm down.

I-I... I think we can settle this.

(laughter)

It's unbelievable. They're all laughing.

- What did you do?
- I-I just told them

that it's more important
to be together on Christmas

than it is to win some dumb argument.

- And that worked?
- Kinda. Not really.

But then I went into the
bedroom and called Gayle

pretending to be from the bank.

I told her to put it on speakerphone.

I said she had too much
money and it was overflowing

and was a fire hazard.

And your parents seemed to believe it.

That put everyone in a good mood.

- Aw, good for Gayle.
- Yep.

- Wow, it's a...
- Origami swan.

Made from a Priority
Express packing slip.

- Yeah. We learned origami.
- And don't even ask

Mike the Mailman if
he's really good at it,

'cause what does that
have to do with anything?

But that's not all... Gene
and I got you something else.

- You ready?
- Yep.

Here it is.

(all sigh)

Sorry, T, we wanted to
get you something better.

Oh, guys, this is the best
gift you could give me.

Unless you're setting
me up for my real gift?

- We're not.
- Uh-huh. M'kay.

Tina, you're patting me down?

- Seriously, there's no other gift.
- Shh. I know.

GENE: Now her hand's in my pocket.

TINA: Oh, there's a
barrette in here. Aw.

♪ Bah, humbug, now,
that's too strong ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my favorite holiday ♪

♪ But all this... Year blur-blurred ♪

♪ Duh-da-da-da-da energy ♪

♪ To add... already rushed ♪

♪ Just 'cause it is
the, 'tis the season ♪

♪ The perfect gift for me would be ♪

♪ Christmas by myself ♪

ALL: ♪ Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Couldn't miss this one this year ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Couldn't miss this one this year ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Couldn't miss this one this year ♪

♪ Merry Christmas. ♪