Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - All That Gene - full transcript

- BOB: Okay, who wants eggs?
- TINA: Yes, please.

- LOUISE: Yes, hurry it up.
- Gene? Where's Gene?

I think he was getting ready to do

a performance of The Gene Show.

Oh, right. The Gene Show.

Um, do you think he wants eggs?

Does this answer your question?

♪ Five hundred twenty-five thousand ♪

♪ Six hundred eggs! ♪

I'll take that as a yes.

Do you kids want scrambled or fried?



- Scrambled, please.
- Fried.

Does this answer your question?
Scrambly, scrambly, scrambly,

- scrambly, scrambly, scrambly...
- Yep. Got it.

Oh! Oh! Oh, what'd I miss? Did
The Gene Show already start?

So far he's done one song
and one performance piece

- as a scrambled egg.
- Darn it!

But don't worry, Mother,
as a special treat

for our audience today, I am offering

exclusive Gene Show merch.

- Is that my shirt?
- It can be, for four dollars.

I'll take it! I love The Gene Show.

It's like having world-class
entertainment right here in our home.

- I enjoy it.
- You know what I think is entertaining?

- (high-pitched): Aah!
- That.



I-I-I don't like that,
when you poke my love handles.

LOUISE: You're starting to like it.

Gene, look, I'm a fan of all
your performing stuff, too,

especially up here in the apartment.

Down in the restaurant, it
can be a little... you know.

No. What are you trying to say?

Yeah. What are you trying to say?

I'm just saying, sometimes less is more.

Wrong! Less is never more!

Just ask Al Pacino and mayonnaise!

- (high-pitched): Aah!
- Huh. That lives up to the hype.

BOB: Teddy, do you
want fries with that?

Uh, no, thanks. Trying to stay slim.

Really? I mean, right, sure.

(sniffs) Wait a minute.

- Teddy, are you wearing cologne?
- Me? No!

(sniffs) It's Thundersports Body Spray.

LOUISE: If it's a spray and
it goes on boys, Tina knows it.

Teddy, is there something...
Or someone...

You haven't told us about?

What? No. No. No. No.

Okay, yes. Yeah, I've
been spending a lot of time

around Kathleen lately.

Aw. The Irish lady from
that apartment building?

- That's great, Teddy.
- Yeah, she got a new job

as the accountant for
a local theater company,

The Happy Mask Sad Mask Players,

and she asked me to help them
out with their latest play.

They want me to build the whole set

using old wood from past productions

and, like, six nails.

Turns out theater companies
don't make much money.

Papa, do we work at a theater company?

- Louise.
- Also, there's a little drama

in their drama, 'cause
yesterday the one kid in the play

left the production to
shoot a shampoo commercial.

Eh, you should've seen his hair, though.

- It was like a field of wheat.
- Damn.

Now they're holding emergency
auditions for a replacement.

The show opens in two days.

(gasps) Maybe Gene should
audition for that part!

He's always entertaining people.
Maybe he's destined to be a...

(gasps) theater person!

Mm, I don't know.

I mean, is what Gene does theater?

Hi. Can I get you anything
else? Maybe one of these?

♪ Jiggly, jiggly,
jiggly, jiggly... ♪

He's a natural! What's the role, Teddy?

- Well, it's small, but it's...
- He'll do it!

Wait, Lin, you don't even know

if this something Gene wants to do.

If what is something I want to do?

Teddy was just asking if
you want to be in a play.

Does this answer your question?
♪ Jiggly, jiggly... ♪

Okay, well, I'm glad you're excited.

It's just, you realize you
still have to audition, right?

Not a problem. Can another kid do this?

- Gene, stop. We have customers.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

So talented!

This counts as me mopping.

♪ ♪

Aw. A tiny theater.

Full of big dreams. And a weird smell.

Follow me. I'll take you backstage.

That's theater speak
for "behind the stage."

Ooh.

Oh, hey, Teddy. Did
you bring some friends?

Kathleen! Hi.

I mean, hey.

I mean, hi. (chuckles nervously)
I mean, hey.

Uh, you remember Linda and Gene Burger.

- Oh, yeah. How are you?
- Great to see you, Kathleen!

I hear you're the new accountant here.

Yeah. I get to see all
the free shows I want.

Unfortunately, they're at this theater.

(giggles) Eh, I'm kidding.

Consider me The Phantom
of the Spreadsheet.

(laughing loudly)

- Sorry.
- Not much cash flow, though.

I don't even need a calculator.

This is a fingers-only kind of deal.

(laughs loudly, sighs)

(quietly): Easy, Teddy.

Hello. So, you're Gene? The young
thespian Teddy was talking about?

And I'm his mom, Linda.

Hellooo. That was a theater hello.

I'm Donovan, the director.

Let's knock this audition out quick.

It's tech week, and on top of losing
an actor, I just lost a stagehand.

Ironically, he got a job at Foot Locker.

I love the high-intensity environment!

I can't imagine what it's like
when you have a packed house.

(chuckles) That's very funny.

We never have a packed house.

We've sold seven tickets for this show.

Seven? That's like eight!

Oh, wait, that's still not good.

No one goes to local theater.
I probably should have listened

to my father and gone
into something safe.

He owned a safe company
called Something Safe.

Let's do this, shall we?

You're gonna be great.
Now, I'm gonna give you

ten kisses real quick.

(grunting, stammering)

Okay, okay. Go, go.

(clears throat)

Gene Belcher. American boy.

Special skills include
sassy sounds, smooth skin,

- (deep voice): heavy bones.
- Just start anytime, please.

Right. Okay. For my audition today,

I will be doing the fight scene
from Mechagodzilla vs. Mothra,

- set to an original funky beat.
- Stop.

Stop. You know this
isn't a musical, right?

It's the American classic,
A Potluck in the Grass

by Alabama O'Callahan,
which you hopefully read?

Oh. Um, pssh, yeah.

Which character am I
auditioning for again?

Quiet Eli. You know what?

Why don't you just
say this line for me...

"Gosh, mister, those
beans smell delicious."

(high-pitched): Gosh, mister,
those beans smell delicious.

- Great. Not that.
- (booming voice): Gosh, mister,

those beans smell delicious!

- Okay. Not that, either.
- What about this? Damn, girl,

that pad Thai smells yum-my!

- What?
- What?

- Why did you say that?
- Why did I say what?

Why did you say "pad Thai"?

I thought I'd switch it up.

Also, doesn't pad Thai
sound good right now?

Please say the line.

All right. Gosh, mister,
those beans smell delicious,

even though I'd rather
have some pad Thai!

You know what? I think we're done.

Wait. Really?

Did I get the part?

Um, I said we're done,

which is something we say in the theater

when we are done...

with you.

LINDA: Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

(singsongy): You were incredible.

Pretty good.

- No, I wasn't.
- Yes, you were.

- Let's just go home.
- Uh, you know what?

I, uh, I-I realized I
forgot something inside.

I dropped my breath
mint. I'll be right back.

I'm sorry, but I just don't think

Gene's right for Quiet Eli.

Trust me, he can do it.

He's a natural entertainer.

I'm sure he is. He's just a bit much.

So then who's gonna get the part?

I don't know. Maybe
I'll just ask my cousin.

He's 26 but he has braces.

Wait! Uh, what if we
made an arrangement?

Maybe, uh, I could
work for you for free.

- You need a stagehand, right?
- I do, but maybe not you.

Hey, what if I help
you sell some tickets?

That's the toughest job
in the whole show, honey.

I can do it, honey.

I can pack this house for opening night.

But if I promise a sell-out,
will you promise to cast

- my little Genie Spice Superstar?
- Throw in that first thing

you said about working as a stagehand,

and I think this might
just be his big break.

(laughs): Oh, my God!
I'm gonna be a stage mom

and a stagehand... what a day!

Guess who's gonna be in a play,
just like Lin-Manuel Hamiltons?

You're looking at Quiet Eli, baby!

Gosh, mister, those
beans smell delicious!

- These are fries, right?
- Well, I'm glad

Gene finally has something
to focus his energy on.

I told you this was a good idea.

He's gonna be a great Quiet Eli.

I mean, he's not gonna
be a quiet Quiet Eli.

Does the director guy know that?

Definitely!

Yeah. He knows that. Yeah.

I mean, I guess he
gave him the role, so...

(chuckles): Exactly.

He gave him the role. He
totally did, fair and square.

Okay. Why do you sound weird?

- Here's the thing, Bob.
- Oh, boy.

I may have kinda sorta
persuaded the director

by promising to sell all
the tickets for opening night

if he let Gene be in the play.

- What?!
- It's only 60 tickets.

Actually, he already sold
seven, so it's 60 minus seven,

which is fifty... (mumbles)

- Lin, does Gene know that you did this?
- No, and he doesn't need to.

You should've seen his face
after the audition, Bob.

The only time I've seen him
that sad is when Louise told him

the California Raisins
died in a plane crash.

- Mm.
- I had to do something.

Now he thinks the director
loved him, and he feels better.

That's a lot of tickets, Lin.
How are you gonna sell them all?

How are we gonna sell
them all? But mostly you,

because I'm gonna be
very busy with rehearsals.

-No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no...
-Just take 'em.

Please? Please?

- Aw, fine.
- Oh, thank you, Bobby.

(kiss) Listen, we got
to go to the theater.

I'll see you tonight. Gene, let's go!
We're late for rehearsal!

I always wanted to say that.

Oh, my God. (high-pitched) Aah!

Guys, you realize I'm cooking
with fire, right?

They're love handles, Dad.
We're just giving them love.

Sorry if you can't handle it.

Well, you're not allowed
to poke 'em anymore.

Are you sure you're not just
crabby because Mom tricked you

into selling a million
tickets to Gene's play?

- Mm, maybe.
- Maybe we can help.

-Really? -Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
What's in it for us?

Uh, how about two days
off from the restaurant?

That's a start. But come
on, you know what we want.

(groans) Fine. I'll-I'll let
you poke me in the love handles

as much as you want for a month.

- Holy crap. I'm in.
- Me, too.

But we're gonna need one
quick poke in advance.

No, no, no, you're not
getting any of these bad boys

until you sell the tickets.

Firm but fair... Unlike your body.

♪ ♪

Kathleen, look! I'm on the phone!

Ha! I'm just kidding. It's a prop.

Oh, you're on the phone. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's just Teddy.

He's calling from...

I guess right behind you.

- Yeah, there he is.
- Hi. Uh, just checking

to see if you need anything.
I'm going home to poop.

I mean, I'm going home to get a coffee.

Wanted to see if you... Damn it!
Aah! Stupid!

Mr. Ambrose? You're in this play?

No. I was actually looking
for the school library,

but I got lost and
wandered into this building.

Where am I? Yes, I'm in this play!

I think I followed that.

So you're replacing "The Hair"?

That's what we called
the boy who had your role.

Yeah. I'm the new kid.
Everybody calls me "The Face."

- Because I have a face.
- Well, let me tell you

everything you need
to know. That's Jules.

She's a yoga instructor
and a downward-facing drag.

She's semi-hooking up with
Eric, who's not not straight.

And that's Jeremy, who's not
not not messing around with Eric.

And that's Janice. She's Mormon.

And believe me, they're
all trying to get

- some of this.
- Okay, cast, big day.

Last dress rehearsal
before opening night.

- (Linda clears throat loudly)
- Oh, that's right.

As many of you know, one
of our actors recently left,

so now we have a new Quiet
Eli... Gene Belcher. Yay.

Yay! Also hi.

I'm Linda, the new stagehand.

So let me know if you guys
need a hand with anything.

- I got two. (chuckles)
- DONOVAN: Okay,

let's run the show
from the top, shall we?

(Southern accent): Summertime,

and all my food is
spoiled rotten to the core.

Much like this Charmin' Southern town,

it seems fine, but under the surface

somethin' doesn't smell right.

We've been invited to a
potluck at the Pomeroys'.

Too bad there's nothing
lucky about this pot.

Oh, I sure do love you, Edwin Abernathy.

I wonder if Cameron Calhoun

is gonna bring his beans...

Who's that there? Come here, child.

Gene, that's your cue.

Oh, okay!

Give me those beans, you son of a bitch!

- (mimics electric guitar)
- Ha!

Stop, stop, stop.

Gene, that's not your line.

And, also, nowhere does it
say the character is topless.

Mm, I thought it was implied.

Well, it's not.

- Just say the line, as written.
- Got it.

Eric, give him the cue again.

Come here, child!

Gosh, mister, those
beans smell delicious.

- Thank you.
- Now let's potluck!

I'm Quiet Eli, baby!

(stifled chuckling): Oh, God.

Let's take a break.

I need to speak with my stagehand.

Linda!

So, that'll be one burger of the day?

Tina, aren't you gonna offer
this nice man a Thespian Combo?

- Oh, right.
- What's the Thespian Combo?

It's a great value, actually.
It comes with fries, a soda

and three tickets to an
amazing play tomorrow night.

How much is it?

Hmm. Let me see here. Three plus two...

- $40.
- Mm, no.

- Get out.
- What?

Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean that.

Ugh. Tina, get this man his burger.

On it. One burger of
the day coming right up

for the guy who hates art
and everything beautiful.

Tina, Louise, can I
talk to you for a sec?

Please stop harassing the customers.

That's how it works, Dad.

No one willingly buys theater tickets.

Well, you're gonna have to
find a different approach.

This one's not working.

Okay. (sighs)

Maybe a poke to help us think?

No. No ticket stubs, no...

sticking... chubs.

Ugh! Temptress!

Okay, you know what, I
think we're gonna have

to sell these tickets
the old-fashioned way.

- On a horse?
- No, not on a horse.

We go out and pound the
pavement and find some suckers.

I mean, theater lovers.

And by theater lovers, I mean suckers.

Okay, let's roll, T. Come on.

- Poke ya later.
- Oh, my God.

DONOVAN: I don't know
if you've noticed, Linda,

but your son is chewing
up the scenery out there.

Literally chewing.

Plus, he also ate a bunch of makeup.

Oh, he's just excited.

He'll get it. I promise.

Just give him a chance.

I'm trying, but I don't
think this is working.

What? No. We had a deal.

You let my son shine and I
fill your theater with behinds.

Gene just had to get the
sillies out. That's all.

And they're pretty much mostly out now.

Mostly. I promise.

Kinda.

Okay, remember, call
time tomorrow is 6:30.

So get some rest.

Or do what I do: lie awake

and listen to your roommate do
stuff with your other roommate

on the other side of the wall.

Hopefully, we'll have a
full house for opening night.

I'm just lookin' over at
you for no reason, Linda.

So, you feel ready for tomorrow?

Do you know both your lines?

I think so. Is it weird
that Donovan yells at me

every time I talk? Or is
he just being hard on me

'cause he believes in me?

He believes you're gonna pack
the house, that's for sure.

Because of the way I
shimmy, shammy and shine?

No, because your mother
promised to sell all the tickets

for opening night so
you'd get the part, right?

- What?
- Oh, I can see

by your face you didn't know that.

I feel like I shouldn't
have said anything.

Oh, look, someone's calling me.

I'm walking away. Oh, no... !

Great job, my little
Broadway Genie Weenie.

You ready to go home?

- How dare you?
- Wha... ?

What-what are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

You promised to sell
tickets to get me this part?!

Wh-What tickets?
What-what part?

Stop acting. This is
no place for acting!

Fine. I did it, Gene. But-but it was

just 'cause I wanted
everyone to see The Gene Show.

Take me home. I'm going to my room

and I'm not coming out
for dinner because I'm mad

but also because I already
have a bunch of food in there

that I've been saving over
the course of the last year!

_

LINDA: He hasn't come out
of his room all morning.

I can't believe he's
still so upset at me.

I can kind of believe it.

Oh, because Mom lied to him?

And he feels like a fraud?

- Yeah.
- (sighs)

I'm gonna go try and talk to him again.

Well, I guess we don't have
to sell tickets anymore.

No, no, no. A deal's a deal, Dad.

We're selling those tickets.

Your love handles are still in play.

All we have to do is find
people who have disposable cash,

a bunch of free time
and nothing to live for.

Like Grandma and Grandpa?

But they're in Florida.

Oh, Tina.

You beautiful, brilliant idiot.

Thank you?

I know where we can sell these tickets.

Come with me.

Gene, let me in.

Go away! Or, better yet,

go read the Holy Bribe-Le!

Listen, I only made
that deal with Donovan

because you just seemed
so down after the audition.

I was down. Donovan didn't
seem to be into my whole deal,

but then you said he
actually loved my whole deal.

I mean, he didn't say
that he loved you, exactly.

He said you were a bit much.

But-but what does that even mean?

I think you're perfect.

Am I, Mom? If you lied
to me about the play,

how can I trust you about anything?!

I'm starting to think I might not be

a better singer than Adele!

No, you are! You are!

Listen, I'm gonna go make
you something sweet, okay?

And then I'm gonna put
something sweet on top of it

and then add sugar to
it and then kiss it.

I love you! I hate you! I love
you! But go away! But do that!

Bob, am I doing this wrong?

That's... so much sugar. So, yes.

No, I'm talking about
the parenting stuff.

I feel like I'm screwing it up.

I mean, yeah.

- Bob!
- No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, we both screw up.

All the time.

Sometimes we're okay, I think.

But a lot of times, we screw up.

Well, this week, I screwed up.

- That's for sure.
- Don't be so hard on yourself.

Remember when I drove for 20
minutes with Tina's hair caught

in the car door because I was listening

to that audiobook by the Rock?

- Yeah. That was bad.
- I just think,

as long as we're trying our best,

that's as good as we can do.

At least, that's what the Rock said.

- He's so handsome.
- Great body.

I-I just think Gene is Gene.

For a million different reasons.

And-and that's great.

You wanted to find a place
for him to do his thing,

which is sweet, but maybe it
just wasn't the right place.

- Yeah.
- Which is totally fine.

(sighs) You're right.

And you know what?
I'm gonna call Donovan

and tell him Gene doesn't
want to be in his dumb play.

Hi, Donovan. It's Linda.

Linda, I don't have time to talk.

I'm dealing with an emergency.

All of my actors are sick with the flu.

What? How'd that happen?

Well, let's just say
it's a very close cast.

Oh, well. Guess it's
good we didn't sell any

of your tickets then, huh?

I guess it kind of worked out.

The show's sold out, Linda.

What? It is? Who sold all the tickets?

Guess what. We sold all the tickets.

Oh, boy.

A deal's a deal, Dad.

Now get ready to squeal.

How'd you guys do it?

Old folks' home.

They're gonna bus 'em in.

That theater's gonna smell
like menthol rub and soup.

I am freaking out.

I'm gonna have a packed house

and I've got no actors!

Okay, okay. Calm down, Donovan. Breathe.

(deep, growling breaths)

Okay, maybe don't
breathe. That sounds bad.

I'm sorry all your actors
gave each other the flu

or the horny flu or
whatever they call it.

But I don't think Gene is gonna
be part of your play either.

I'm worried if he stays in it,
it'll crush his little spirit.

Donovan? Hello?

Oh, he hung up.

Hello, Mother.

You look just as I remember you.

Hi, Gene.

I thought about what Donovan said,

and I realize now that I am a bit much.

And I'm ready to rein it all in,

much like Jim Carrey in his
acclaimed dramatic roles.

No, Gene, no.

- (gasps, squeals)
- Boom goes the dynamite.

This better not be one of those
plays where they come up to you

in the aisle and meow at you.

GENE: So, wait, everyone got the flu?

- How'd that happen?
- They all gave it

to each other by, um,
uh, being friendly.

Theater, huh? Sounds
kind of... interesting.

Tina.

Anyways, I just want to
say it again, Gene.

You don't have to do this
play if you don't want to.

No, Mother. I've made up my mind.

I want to play Quiet Eli. Quietly.

- As written.
- Oh, boy.

Well, this Gene's fun.

All right. Good luck in there, Lin.

Tina, Louise, let's go find
a place to stand in the back,

with my love handles tucked in my pants

and pressed against the wall.

Is that Donovan under the cushions?

(muffled): Yes. No.
I'm not here. I'm dead.

I finally have a
sold-out show but no show.

(clears throat) Hello, Donovan.

Pleasure to see you today.

Okay. Now he's freaking me out.

He's... fine.

Look, Donovan, we don't have much time.

And Gene says he wants
to be in the play now.

So how are we gonna do this?

Well, I did have one idea.

Really? What is it?

What if...

I just went out there
and played all the parts?

Okay. Uh, how would that work?

I mean, the people in the
audience don't know the play.

They barely know they're at a play.

All they know is there's a potluck

'cause it's in the title.

That's all I know,
and I'm the stagehand.

Exactly. What if I just go out onstage

and try to tell the story by myself?

With Quiet Eli.

Uh, sure. Look, it might work.

It might not. But I don't
have any other choice.

So I'm gonna try it.

Crowd's getting restless out there.

I mean, not restless.

But there's a lot of
candy wrapper sounds.

All right. Well, I guess
it's showtime, everyone.

And just remember, you can't
sit on any of the furniture.

Or lean on it. I was not told

that it had to be structurally sound.

It's pretty dangerous.

Anyway, have fun out there.

Gene, baby, come here.
I want to say something.

I know I really messed up
by not being honest with you.

But I just want you to know
that even if I wasn't your mom,

even if I was just some
lady who smelled like meat

and was a great dancer,

I would still be a fan of The Gene Show.

- Really?
- Definitely.

I'd be your number one fan.

Are you a bit much?

Of course you are, and that's great.

And sometimes people can handle
it, and sometimes they can't.

But sometimes it's perfect.

And, I mean, hey, you got good timing.

You got it from me.

That and my full bottom.

Ha! See? Timing.

(man coughs)

(Southern accent): Summertime.

And all my food is
spoiled... (British): rotten.

(Southern): It's kind of like
this charming Southern town.

(regular voice): Meanwhile, over here...

(high-pitched): I sure do
love you, Edwin Abernathy.

I'm so glad we're married.

(regular voice): Eh... Oh, i-is, um,

what my wife said.

To me.

- I don't like this.
- (coughing)

What's happening?

Did the play start?

Oh, no. Maybe this
was not the best idea.

The poor guy's dying out there.

(deep voice): Too bad there's
nothing lucky about this pot.

(quietly): And then I go
over here and, um, I...

I wonder if Cameron Calhoun's
gonna bring his beans!

And this would be a... Okay,
this would be a scene change.

- What is this? - This is terrible.
- I'll just go over yonder,

-uh, here...
-Gene, he's dying. Get out there.

And get some bean sauce!

- I'm Quiet Eli, baby!
- (gasping)

(mimics electric guitar)

Oh. Uh, uh, Quiet Eli.

Are you, uh, um, here for the potluck?

Does this answer your question?

- A-jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly,
- (laughter)

- jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly.
- Oh, uh, uh, right.

Yes, that does answer my question.

(whispers): This is working. Keep going.

(quietly): More? Oh, I can do more.

- Now let's potluck, baby!
- (laughter)

Do it, Gene! Do it, baby!

(grunts, shouts)

♪ Jiggle, jiggle ♪

♪ A-jiggle, a-jiggle ♪

♪ Jiggle, jiggle ♪

♪ A-jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle ♪

♪ Jiggle, jiggle ♪

♪ A-jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle ♪

♪ Jiggle, jiggle ♪

♪ A-jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly! ♪

- ♪ The Gene Show, Gene ♪
- (mimics electric guitar)

♪ The Gene Show is everybody's
favorite show about Gene ♪

Scrambly, scrambly,
scrambly, scrambly, scrambly!

♪ The Gene Show is everybody's
favorite show about Gene ♪

GENE: I'm Quiet Eli, baby!

♪ The Gene Show is every... ♪