Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Torpedo - full transcript

Bob's Burgers!
Fresh ground meat!

Great atmosphere!

Gene, bring it in.

Get out of that burger suit.

We're going.

Baseball waits for no one.

It smells like urine.

Did you pee in that?

I had to go!
I told you not to pee in it

after I cleaned up from the...

I'm the only one who wears it.



What's the difference?
Oh, my God.

What, you don't want
to buy burgers

from a guy who smells like pee?

No one can place
where it's coming from.

I can't believe you'll close
the restaurant

to go to a baseball game.

Louise, this isn't just a game.

We bought an ad at the ballpark.

That's worth closing for, right?

Oh, can't wait to see it!

It's gonna be so
exciting. We're famous.

It looks like a hot dog
wrapper's stuck in the net.

Like, a really tiny hot dog.

I did think it was gonna be
a little bigger.



I think more people
would see your ad

if it was a urinal cake.
Are you kidding?

I wish I could afford
a urinal cake ad.

All this talk about cake
is making me hungry.

I'm gonna flag down
the ice cream sandwich guy. Hey!

Play ball!

Welcome to opening day
of minor league baseball.

Let's hear it for your
Wonder Wharf Wonderdogs!

Please give a big Wonderdog
welcome to Phe-Nom,

the Korean bunt specialist!

I never realised baseball
had so much butt-touching.

That's how they
communicate, Tina.

It's like Braille,
but with butts.

Read this!

I'm bored.

Boredom. Boring sports.

Hey, it's the seventh-
inning stretch.

Time for the mascot race.

Well, hello!

Please welcome the owner
of the Wonderdogs,

Mr. Calvin Fischoeder!

Fish!

It's that time.

Now cheer
for your favourite mascot!

Mr. Fischoeder
owns the team?

He owns the ballpark, the team,
Wonder Wharf.

I'm gonna marry that man.

No, you're not.
I wanna be rich!

Don't be frightened.

I have a gun!

So, get set...

Where has this sport been
all my life?

You know, I wear the burger
costume all the time.

Maybe I could race
in one of these races, Dad.

I bet it's impossible to get in, Gene.

I'm sure you got to know someone.
You do.

It's Mr. Fischoeder,
our landlord.

The winner!

Well, I can't ask
a flavor of a guy

I've never paid rent on time to.

You're his son, Gene.
He'll ask him.

Yay!
No, I won't.

Now taking the mound to pitch,

former major league sensation,

Torpedo Jones!

That can't be the same Torpe...

Kids, that's the Torpedo Jones!

I can't believe
he's still playing.

God, he, he must be...
my age.

I speak for everyone here
when I say

I don't know
what a Torpedo Jones is.

Let me tell you, nobody...
We don't care.

Gene, let me finish.
Nobody...

That's what I was
trying to prevent.

Nobody pitched like Torpedo.

I was there for his
"The Pitch!"

It was 15 years ago, but I
remember it like it was ten.

His pitch was
the split-finger skadootch.

Torpedo clinched the pennant
for us with that pitch.

If he's so good, why have
we never heard of this guy?

Well, because he didn't last
long in the bigs.

You know, the skadootch is
just one of those pitches.

When it was on,
it was really on.

But when it wasn't...

it's like hitting candy out of
a baby's hand... with a bat.

Wait. You mean
it's hard

because babies hands
are so small?

No, it's easy because...

How could you hit a baby?

Nobody would hit a baby's hand
with a bat in real life.

I don't understand.
Was he fired from the bigs

'cause he hit a baby with a bat?

I'm not interested in
talking to you anymore.

Sorry, Gene.
I don't see Fischoeder anywhere.

Let's get going.

That's all right.
I only wanted

to do it really, really bad.
Oh!

There's Torpedo!

Dad, ask Torpedo
about the mascot races.

Maybe he can get Gene in.

Yeah!
Kids, come on.

I can't bother Torpedo.
He's, like, my role model.

Oh, that's creepy. Your role
model is the same age as you?

I would never have another
nine-year-old as my role model.

Hey, Torpedo!
My dad is a huge scout

for the Baseball League
of America!

Kidding. But he has
a flavor to ask you.

Hi, I'm a huge fan.

You know, I was there
for "The Pitch."

So, uh, what can I do for ya?

Picture? Autograph?
Three bucks each, both for five.

Uh, yeah, both would be great.

Dad!

Oh, and my kid wants
to run in the mascot race.

You don't think...
Hey, Russell!

Some kid here wants to run

in a mascot race.

For you, Torpedo,
I'll make it happen.

I got to free up one
of these outfits.

No, you don't!
I got my own.

It's a burger.

Easy enough.
Thanks a lot, Torpedo.

Good luck out there, sport.

Linda, did you,
did you hear that?

Torpedo Jones
called me "sport."

He didn't call you "sport,"
he called Gene "sport."

No, he was looking right at me.

Yeah, he called me "sport"
and he tussled my hair.

It was great, Gene.
You were great.

I'm a great tussle receiver.

Wow, wearing the burger suit
in the mascot race, Gene.

That's advertising, huh?

Don't touch me!

It was so nice of Torpedo
to give us these seats

so we can watch Gene's race.

You can really make out
the players' tattoos from here.

Makes you wonder about

the tattoos we can't see.

On their butts.

How you doing, Gene?
You feeling fast?

No, I feel queasy.

Got some butterflies, Ace?

Torpedo!
Want my advice, kid?

It's a mascot race; All you
got to do is stay on your feet.

Let the other guys
trip over themselves.

It's time for the mascot race!

Whoo-ee!
Goodie.

Remember, you're an ambassador
for our restaurant,

so just Y Y and run well,
'cause you don't run well.

Good luck out there, sport.

Oh. Yeah, I thought earlier
you called me "sport," so...

Nah, that was,
that was a nickname

for the kid there, Flash.
I'll take Flash.

Kids, call me Flash from now on.

Let's split the diff
and call you Stinky.

Stinky! I like it!

Oh, Torpedo,
here's a little thank you

for getting Gene in the race.

I make burgers for a living,

so it's not weird
for me to give you this.

I don't think
it's weird at all, Bob.

Like a good burger.

Mmm. That's a good burger.

Finish this guy
back on the mound.

Ha! Torpedo Jones just said
I make a good burger!

I want that on my tombstone.
Seriously, okay?

No, I already got your
tombstone picked out for ya.

What, what is it?
It says, "Order up."

That's good.

Let's go with that one.

Joining your Wonder Wharf
mascots today is

a special guest food,

a burger!

A boy who is also a burger.

And I have my gun.

Ready, set...

Go get 'em, Gene!

I reinforced the crotch
so he wouldn't tear it.

Win, Gene!
Avenge Dad's death!

Down goes Sammy Sea Lion!

Ooh! It's
a two-mascot race!

Burger and Captain Pel I. Can.

There they go,

like two, fast, fiery...

bew...!

The burger is your winner!

Well, congratulations,
young burger.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you can purchase delicious
burgers that look somewhat

like him right here at the park.

And at my family's restaurant.

And, uh, what's the name
of that restaurant?

Ah... it's, it's...

Bob's Burgers!

God, I'm there every day.

Bob's Burgers!

It's... Oh, God...
Gene! No!

Never mind. Never mind.
That's okay.

Bob's Burgers!
Oh, my God!

You can get everything you
expect from a burger

at whatever the name
of his restaurant is...

Oh, oh, I just remembered!
I just remembered!

It's too late.

But you can get them
here at the park, today.

No! Say it!

I won something! I won!
I won! I won something!

Yeah, and you didn't fall
down like everyone else.

Tell that to your grandkids.
I will.

Gene, are you kidding me?!

The name of the restaurant is
Bob's Burgers!

Well, I call you Dad!

I think of it as Dad's Burgers!

You live above it!
You work in it every day!

Bob, calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
He did great.

You did great, Gene.

A gold medal! Oh, we
should get that bronzed!

Strike three.
You're out!

Torpedo's split-finger skadootch
has suddenly started clicking.

I love that burger
of yours, Bob.

Hey, after the game,
let's all go to Bob's Burgers!

Whoo!

Now that's advertising, huh?

Ooh, Angel!

Do they call you that 'cause
you're such a good boy?

I did many bad things
to escape Cuba.

Things that haunt me
in the dark of the night.

Aw...

How about another beer?

Man, you kids got a great dad,
you know that?

One wife. One family.
That's the way to do it.

You know, in the majors,
most guys got a whole bunch

of families spread out
over the 50 states.

When spring training starts,
you get your Florida wife.

When it's regular season,
it's open season, if you know

what I'm talkin' about.

You kiss your home field wife
and kids good-bye,

you tell 'em you'll miss 'em,
and you do.

But you still take some
of their toys

and re-gift 'em
for your away kids.

I bet you're a great dad.

And three great husbands.

Mr. Torpedo,
I couldn't help but notice

that the tall boy was looking
a little lethargic.

Yeah, he's got Lupus or rickets
or somethin'.

I don't know why we keep giving
that job to these sick kids.

I was wondering if I could offer
my services.

I'm very healthy.

Okay, okay, okay. Whoa, whoa.
Hey, you got the job.

Just stop doing that.

Here's your first
ball girl duty:

Bringing me one of your dad's
burgers before every gam

Okay.

Here's the tobacco you wanted.

And your comic books.

Phe-Nom, is it possible

to be in love
with 25 people at once?

You're my favourite.

Don't tell Angel.
He's fiery.

Strike three!

Sound the alarm
because Torpedo is on fire!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Not a good idea, Burt.
It's a crowded stadium.

That Torpedo is amazing!

Has he always been this good?

No, he hasn't been good
in a long time.

He says my burgers have
helped him pitch better.

How does a burger help
someone pitch better?

Here ya go, Bob,
little souvenir.

Thanks, buddy!

Whoa, slippery.

It's greasy, huh?

What does this smell like?

Hey, stop sniffing
Torpedo's balls.

Get it?

It's like you're
in love with him.

Wait.
That's our burger.

Oh, crap. Torpedo's putting
my grease on the ball.

That's how his skadootch
is skadootching so much.

Your hero's using your burger
grease to win. That's great!

No, Lin, Torpedo is using
my burger grease to cheat.

Oh.

So you helped Torpedo cheat.

If that means the Wonderdogs
keep coming

to the restaurant

bringing all sorts of business
with them,

I say big whoop, let the old man
throw a greasy skadootch.

Strike two!

I don't even know
what to think about this.

I got to go take a leak.

Oh, get me an ice cream
in a mini-helmet!

Bob. You look glum.

Oh, I, uh...

You... don't hold
your... when you pee.

Why? It's not
going anywhere.

Okay.

Um, well, what if you found
out that someone you knew

was doing something sort of bad,

and you were helping them
do that sort of bad thing...

Is it me?
Is it abortions?

Wait. What?
Uh, what were you saying?

Torpedo Jones is
greasing the ball,

and he's using my
grease to do it.

Mm-mm.

Oh. Come walk with me.

Come behind the scenes!

Torpedo's dazzling pitching
is putting more butts in seats

than this stadium can handle.

Is the roller coaster
going to be okay

without those huge
planks of wood?

Sure, sure!

These people aren't paying
for extra wood, Bob.

No one wants to ride
Extra Wood Mountain.

Whoa! Watch out!
Extra nuts and bolts.

Ow!

People come to baseball games

for the same reason they
come to the amusement park:

To be entertained!

Does it really matter if
the games are rigged? No!

The games are rigged?
Yes!

Oh. My wonderdog
is hanging out.

Yes. Yes, it is.

I got so caught up
in our conversation,

I forgot to zip.

Yeah, I didn't want
to say anything.

Why not?
I, uh...

Compliments are welcome.
Where was I?

You were saying
the games are rigged.

Yes. The games
are all rigged.

I'm not letting my kids
play these games anymore.

But look at these smiling faces.

Just like those smiling faces.

Smiling at every skadootch
the Torpedo throws.

They don't want to know, Bob.

They don't want to
look behind the curtain.

I don't know.

It just seems like
bad karma or something.

Karma? There's no
such thing as karma.

Not in this town.

Oh, just kick 'em. Kick 'em
right into the ocean!

Okay.
That's it.

Wait, why does Tornado want
our old grease in a jar?

It's Torpedo, Gene.
Oh.

Uh, it helps him pitch better.

And-And don't forget,
it's a secret.

Why? Is it against
the rules?

Technically, yes.

So then it's cheating.

No. What it is, is helping
people enjoy baseball more.

It's entertainment.

I'm confused.

Are you and Mom
getting divorced?

What?
Oh, my God, you are.

I call Mom!
I call Dad!

You guys took both of them.

Enough. Go fill
the condiments.

I call ketchup!
I call mustard!

Aw...
You can do horseradish.

There's not...
okay.

Thanks, Bobby.

Hey, who wants a burger?

On the Torpedo!
Hooray!

Gene, you're defending your
title. Are you nervous?

Why don't you ask my diarrhoea.

You should be nervous.

You're a chubby kid
in a mascot suit.

That's what I'm saying.
I should cheat.

Dad says it's okay when
it's for entertainment.

That's right! Let's cheat!

- You see that pelican?
- Yeah.

You're running, right?

You have a switchblade
taped to your shoe.

He does?
He will.

And on your other shoe,
you'll have a lemon.

Stab! Stab! Stab!

Sting, sting, sting!

"What are you doing?"

"I'm squeezing lemon
into your wound!"

Sweet baby blade foot.

Or... I can give him a nudge
and tip him over.

Ugh, really?

Yeah. He's top-heavy.

I'll just give him
a little tippity-tap.

Well, I'm still gluing
a knife to my foot.

Yay, Gene! Go, Gene!
That-a-way, son!

Tippity-tap.

Ooh!

It's a three-mascot pileup!

Go, Gene!
All right! Go!

The Boy Burger wins again!

How about that?

Hey, how about this, Phil?

I don't know, Burt.
I'm not so sure about that.

Yay!

I won! I won again!

My brother won!

Guys, take off your shirts.

Good arm pumping, baby!

That's how I disguised the push.

What push?
He pushed the Cotton Candy mascot

so he'd fall over.
Hooray for cheating!

Gene, how could you?
You know that's wrong.

Uh-uh.
Not when it's entertainment.

You said it yourself.

You told them cheating is okay?

No, I didn't, Linda.

Yes, he did.

Oh, Bobby.
Oh, crap.

Go get me a soft serve.
And make it a swirl!

Look, Gene, when I said
it's okay to cheat,

I meant for Torpedo, not for you
to cheat in your mascot race.

You should really give
back one of those medals.

Ooh, but I want to get a picture

of you wearing them
before you do.

I'm not giving back my medals!

Those suckers got their
money's worth, Pops.

I'm good for business, Dad.

You know what? From now on,
there'll be no more cheating.

Does that mean I shouldn't
give Torpedo this grease?

That's right, Tina.
Yes.

No more cheating for
anyone in this house.

From now on, I won't wear
my tummy tuck jeans.

And good-bye, Brazilian.
Hello, rain forest.

Sorry, Dad.

But if I win tomorrow,
I'll be the first mascot

ever to win
three races in a row.

I'm a top!

You mean you're on top.

No. I'm a top!

Shew. I was starting
to think maybe you were

going to leave me
high and dry here.

Well, what's in this jar
is worth the wait.

What the...?

"You don't need to cheat.

"You can win without me.

"If you try your hardest,
you've already won.

Love, Bob's grease."

That's right, Torpedo.

You can win without my grease.

It just took me
believing in you.

Now, listen.
Gene's about to race,

and since you're his role model,

I'm hoping you'll tell Gene

he can win without cheating,
just like you.

Who the hell's Gene?

That's... my son.

You're his role model,
and you're my role model, too.

Wh...? I can't be your role
model; We're the same age.

What's this mean?
You cutting me off, Bob-o?

Torpedo, I'm cutting you free.

Come here.
Wait, what are you going to do?

I'm going to hug you.
Slow down there, tiger.

Guess I'll have to make this
grease last the whole season.

I should have never
given you my grease.

I created a monster.

You think you
started my greasing?

I've always cheated, Bobby.

Not the... "The Pitch."

Oh, definitely "The Pitch."

That game, I had a pat of

butter in my nostril,
sex jelly in my armpit...

Hell, I was on
prescription drugs

to stimulate
production of earwax.

And "The Pitch"?

That was courtesy of some
black market whale blubber

I bought off some Eskimos.

Cute note, though, Bob.
Bit of advice:

If you want a role model,
pick an old guy.

By the time you
grow up, they're dead.

Didn't go great.

Gene!
I'm sure it was fine.

Torpedo seems like
a reasonable guy.

Torpedo Jones wants you
out of his seats this second.

What a schmuck.
Gene!

It's the seventh-inning stretch.

Mascots are lining up.

All right, maybe I have an idea.

Hi, fellas.

I'd love to say
a few words to my son,

the burger, over the P.A.
Excuse me.

Uh... okay.
Highly unusual.

Doesn't matter.
None of this matters.

Gene.

BOB (over P.A.)
Up here.

Jesus?

No, Gene, it's your
father. I'm up here.

You're dead?!

Yes.

No, I'm-I'm kidding.

I'm up here in the booth.
Right here. See me?

Boy, this microphone smells like beer.

Well, let's just say AA
was "A" waste of time.

Winning isn't everything, Gene.

Yes, we're all here to be
entertained, but if you, um,

cut corners now, the next
thing you know, you'll be

hiding lard in your nose

or taking wood
out of roller coasters.

Hey, all right,
that's enough of that.

Let's start the race!

I'm trying to talk to my son.

Gene, run clean.

On your mark!

Gene, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

You're going to cheat!

That's what you're going to do!

You're going to win by cheating!

Who wants to see the burger
win three in a row?

Gene, listen to me.
You know what to do.

Bob... triple crown for burger.

Good for your business.

See?!

No, Gene!

Don't worry about
the advertising.

What are you doing?
It's a starter's pistol.

It's a real gun.
You should get down.

What?!

Stop shooting!
This is crazy.

Oh, good. He stopped.

He's just out of bullets.

And down goes Cotton Candy!

It's a two-mascot race.

Gene. Do the right thing.

Yeah. You can win
on your own, Gene!

Probably.

Hey...

All right. Fine.

Whoa, whoa!

Don't push him! He was
going to push you!

Congratulations to Captain Pel I. Can!

Oh, Gene. Sorry, buddy.

I mean, looks like
karma caught up to you.

Bob, I told you there's
no such thing as karma.

Uh, yes there is.

No, I'm afraid there isn't!

I'm afraid there is.
Is not.

Oh, crap.

See, Gene. This is what
happens when you cheat.

That was incredible!

Cheating is amazing!

Oh.

Bob?

Oh. Uh, hi.

Sorry about your roller coaster.

Ah, roller coasters come and go.

But Bobs are once in a lifetime.

I admire you.

You do?
You remind me of my father.

He was honest,
and he worked hard.

You an immigrant, Bob?

Um... no.

Just swarthy?
I guess.

What's "swarthy"?
Um, dark and hairy.

That's you!
And me in the future.

Well, unlike you,
my father made a fortune.

But in many other ways,
you guys are the same.

Two decent, swarthy
peas in a pod.

One rich and one...

just scraping by.
Thanks.

Well, we're off
to get a massage.

Come on, Wonderdog.
Down, boy.

He's gone, Dad.
My future husband's gone.

You drove him away!

Tina, what you got there?

The team signed a ball

so I'd have something
to remember them by.

And I took this jockstrap.

Okay, sweetie.

Let's throw that in the wash.
No.

Come on, give it to me.
Mm-mm.

Do you know how many
venereal diseases

those baseball players have?

I don't care.

Whose was it?

Smells like Angel.
Angel.

But don't tell Phe-Nom.