Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Lobsterfest - full transcript

Ocean Avenue is gearing up
for this year's Lobsterfest,

and that mean ol' tropical storm

we've been watching
is movin' out to sea,

which means
perfect weekend weather!

Ugh! Damn it!

So if you think
you hear thunder,

it's just my stomach growling.

Ha!
I love Lobster.

This guy is unbelievable.

Stop pimping for Lobsterfest!

And start primping
for Lobsterfest.



Mmm...

Looking primpy.

No, no primping for anything!

Why are you so grumpy?
Come on. You know why.

It's no fun being a burger
man in a seafood town.

I hate Lobsters and
their stupid fest.

Plus, I'm allergic.

No, you're not.
Yeah.

I'm allergic.
Remember our first date?

Yeah, I remember our first date.
You were a nervous wreck.

♪ ♪

I was having an allergic
reac... never mind.

Hey, what are you guys
looking at over there?

Um, nothing.



Just pictures of people...
Doing it.

Oh. Hey, wait a minute.
That's not porn.

You brought a Lobsterfest
brochure into this house?

Can we please go this year?
Absolutely not.

Ugh! But there's so much
fun stuff happening.

Unveiling of the world's largest
butter vat, for instance.

The coronation
of the Lobster queen

and her court
of lovely Lobster maidens.

Entertainment by John van
Horton & the music extrusion.

Mm. I do love
those guys.

As a matter of fact, gene, you
were conceived to a JVH song.

And I plan to return the flavor.

Oh, great. I mean, hi, Hugo.

You know, I couldn't help
but notice, Bob,

uh, yours is the only window
on the street

without a Lobsterfest poster
in it.

Yeah.
Why might that be?

Well, because
Lobsterfest is stupid!

What?
I'll handle this, Ron.

Put the sign up.
It's the law.

- It's the law?
- Martial law.

I'm grand marshal
of the fest this year!

Hugo, such a fancy sash.

You look like sissy spacek
in Carrie. Ha.

Oh, thank you.

But, Hugo,
as a health inspector,

you must know how disgusting
Lobsters are, right?

They're bottom feeders
that eat garbage all day.

Huh, they like garbage?

Then they must eat here!

In your face, Bob.

And now in your window!
Come on, Ron.

Let's make like a Lobster
and get the shell out of here.

All right.

Hey, my two best customers!

Two burgers coming up.

No burgers for me, Bob.

I'm saving my appetite
for Lobsterfest.

None for me either, Bobby.

I just come by to show you
my new Lobster cracker.

Check it out... titanium
with butter-resistant grips.

It's the one
the astronauts used.

Teddy, you think
the astronauts brought

a Lobster cracker to space?

Yeah. That's what it
says on the box. Look.

"The one the astronauts
used in space!"

I spent $49 on this.

Hey, I bet you kids
are old enough

to crack your own claws
this year, right?

We don't celebrate Lobsterfest.

What?!
We're like Jews on Christmas.

Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.

Or me at a lesbian bar.

Last night.

Watched a hockey game
at a lesbian bar, Bob.

It was like I was
invisible. Uh...

And who knows the name
of the delicious paste

that collects here
in the pancreas?

Tomalley!
Correct.

Excuse me, miss labonz?

Yes, Louise.
My family doesn't observe Lobsterfest.

I should be excused
from class, and/or given an a.

Thank you.
Good night.

Louise, I don't normally use
this argument,

but if everyone else
is doing it, you should, too.

Huh. Attention, students.

The tropical storm
has changed course

and has been upgraded
to a hurricane.

It could hit town at any moment.

Don't worry.

We have an emergency plan.

It's called
"talking it through."

Now, who here thinks
the hurricane was caused

by something bad they did?

What about you, Nicholas?

That thing you told me?
In confidence?

Say it.

I rub my genitals on the couch.

Mm-hmm.

We're all gonna die
because of you!

It's weather
only a Lobster could love,

but sadly,
there will be no Lobsterfest.

This reporter
is getting his bib off.

Ha, ha! Stupid,
failure weatherman,

and your failed Lobsterfest.

Where's your ugly
red sea bug God now?!

All right, hold hands.

Come on, down to the basement.

Bob, we have to close.

A hurricane is coming!

I know. Isn't it great?

Lobsterfest is cancelled!

So this town is gonna be
crawling with empty bellies

ready to eat
Bob's burgers, baby!

Bob, you're crazy.

I think you're crazy!

'Cause it's crazy not to sell
burgers during a hurricane!

Bob's burgers is open
for business!

Oh.

Is that all you got, storm?

Wind chimes! Aah!

Bob, I'm not sure
staying open is safe.

Suppose the hurricane tears
right through here.

I'll chance it!

Look who I found trying
to stay dry in the bounce house.

The entire royal court
of Lobster maidens.

Oh, you poor things!

Welcome, your highnesseses.

Uh, you are henceforth
known as the royal cows.

Bob!

Ah, well, something like that.

I'll go throw on some burgers.

Hot coffee coming up!

I'd really rather get my lips
around that beer tap.

Hi, guys.
Hey, Gretchen!

Hi!
Oh, Lobster maiden!

Teddy, this is Gretchen.

She cuts my hair.
How you doing?

Hey, are you still working
nights at the cop bar?

Nah, there was a groping incident.

I apologised, but they fired me
anyway.

Oh, she's too much.
Really is.

Hey, you open?
Mm-hmm.

You got food?
Yup.

Beer?
Absolutely!

Atmosphere?

Yeah... nnnn... eh...

Ah, good enough.
Whoa, Bobby.

I think this might develop
into a party type situation!

You kids stay down
in the basement.

I already picked a
corner for the bathroom.

That one, where I went.

And I picked that corner.

Hey, we've got two bathrooms!

Mom, I'm coming up!

Just stay down there.

They're gonna need you
to help repopulate the earth

when this is all over.

Ew! You want us to mate
with each other?!

No, you'll mate
with the other kids

in other basements.

Keep talking.

All right!

JVH unplugged!

Look at all that wet Gray hair.

Oh, Bobby, look at Hugo.

Oh, and poor wet Ron.

Yeah. Isn't it hilarious?
Bobby.

All right, I'll let 'em in.

I just want to give
'em a pressed ham first.

Stop it!
Come on, let me.

All right.

Sorry for using
all of your napkins.

I want to thank you
for bringing us in, Bob.

It was totally Linda's idea.

She is so damn considerate!

You have everything,
and I have nothing.

God, so alone!

Mm.

Lobsterfest was all I had.

And now that's gone, too.

Look at me.
I'm a joke!

Yeah, that's too bad.

Hey, Bobby, some of the
Lobster maidens are open

to the idea of a
wet gown contest.

Want to put up a prize?

Uh, how about a towel?

Ha! Oh, my God.
That's so funny.

Gretchen, have you,
uh, met Hugo?

He was gonna be grand marshal
at, uh, Lobsterfest.

Ooh. Nice sash.

Ever take it off?

Well, actually, on Monday,

I have to dry-clean it
and give it back.

Uh, Hugo, Gretchen is into
authority figures.

Cops, firemen, even mailmen,

if they have an important route.

Oh, my gosh. So am I!

What, you're into mailmen?

Well, if they have
an important route.

I think what Bob's saying is,
she likes a man with a badge.

You have a badge.
Hey, Gretchen!

Huh?
Hey, Hugo's also a health inspector.

That's like being
a food sheriff.

This is my badge.

Mm. Kind of small.

You got a gun?

Uh, no. Actually,
I'm not, uh...

Mm.
Licensed to carry a firearm.

I do have a food safety
thermometer,

and it's very sharp.

Pull it out, Hugo.
Yeah, pull it out, Hugo.

Whoa! Watch out.

Here it is.
Ooh.

"Unsafe range."

I like my pork a little pink.

♪ ♪

Tina, what are you doing?

I'm working on my mating list

for when we have
to repopulate the world.

Let me see.

Gay. Gay.

Mythical creature.

Gay mythical creature.

Mm. Good luck.

Guys, we're wasting time here.

We got to sneak out.

Sneak out?
But there's a hurricane.

That's my point.

We should be out there,
in the wind and rain, looting!

Looting?!

So how do we do
this looting thing exactly?

It's easy.

You grab anything
that's not nailed down.

Anything?
Like this brick?

It's yours.
Free brick!

Free quarter.

Free phone numbers.

Free seaweed.

Gene, free plywood.

Whee!

Hey, Bob, the cash register
won't open,

and you're serving burgers
so fast,

I don't even know
who to get an IOU from.

Relax, Linda. I'll take care of it.
Ugh.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
listen up, listen up.

You're all my friends.

And friends
don't charge friends.

The burgers are free, people!

Everything is gonna be free!

Bob, I thought the point
of staying open

during a hurricane
was to make money!

This is way more
important than money, Lin!

Lobsterfest is dead.

Bobsterfest killed it!

Long live Bobsterfest!

Looting is hard.

Ah, I think
I'm getting loot glutes.

This stuff sucks.

Let's go home.

Hello.

What have we here?

Maybe he's lost.

Check his collar.

Get him, gene!

Looks like this little guy
got into some office supplies.

Yeah, those rubber bands
don't look comfortable.

You should take 'em off.

Aah!

This is our one chance to see

What everyone else
is talking about.

- What do you mean?
- Aah!

We're gonna eat Lobster tonight!

But that goes against everything
we were raised to believe in!

Aah!
It doesn't go against everything.

Okay, but it's a start.
Aah!

Now's our chance
to taste the forbidden fruit

that has been kept from us
our whole lives.

Are you with me?
Yeah!

Okay.

And one man's generosity
has turned Lobsterfest

into bobsterfest.

We're trying to get a word
with Bob himself here.

I love you, Scott bags!

Yeah, there's a cable on that.

You can't go all
the way over there.

You come with me!
Yeah, okay.

You come with me!

Can I... can I get
my mic back, please?

You come up and get it.
Give me the mic!

Bob! Bob! Bob...!

Whoa! Oh, wow!

This feels weird!

Hey, bro.

Did I hook you up or what, Hugo?

Hey, where are we going now?
Over here?

Who decides which way we go?

There's Linda, my wife!

Hey, Linda, you look mad.

Let's go the other way.

Turn around. Bye, Linda.

How you feeling, Bob?

What?

Oh, my God. Lin!

The restaurant's destroyed.

The hurricane swept right
through here... we got hit!

Actually,
the hurricane missed us, Bob.

It's beautiful out.

You were the hurricane, schmuck!

Hey, Gretchen.

Do you have some sweat pants
I can put on?

Uh... Linda.
I don't feel well.

I can't even look at you.
I don't feel well.

I did this?
You and the mob you incited

with free beer and burgers.

Oh, who bent my
little spindle thing?

That's what you notice?!

Okay, Lin, it looks bad now,

but we made a lot of
new friends last night.

Once word spreads
that Bob needs help,

this place will be jammed again.

The biggest problem is
gonna be finding a job

for everybody who wants one.

Gee, I'm worried about this;
I really love it.

♪ ♪

Okay, technical problems from last night

have been resolved.

Hair dryer plus waffle iron
plus toaster equals

boiling water.
So how do we

kill this guy
before we boil him?

We could teach
the Lobster to drive

and wait until
it gets into an accident.

Or we could hire an assassin.
No, idiots,

you boil Lobsters alive.

What?!
That doesn't sound right.

Yep. Until he's dead.

And then we boil him some more.

Here we go.

Wait, this does not feel right.

Doing it in a dark room with
toilet paper around my neck?

I thought my first time
eating Lobster would be special.

And now please join
Mr. and Mrs. Jimmy junior

as they eat their first Lobster!

Mmm, mmm...

I thought my first time
eating Lobster

would be different, too.

Gene! Gene!

They're waiting for you
in the hot tub, gene.

Excellent!

Whee!

And the next day do it again...
Same songs, different Lobsters.

What's the matter with you two?

Come on, Louise,
is this really how

you imagined your first time?

Yes.

Okay, not quite.

Louise, today

you pay the super price

for your super crimes.

Enjoy your last meal.

It'll do just fine...

In a pinch!

Aah...!

Maybe we have
been rushing things.

I want to wait till I'm ready.

Let's not give in
to peer pressure.

Let's release the Lobster

back into the supermarket
from whence he came!

I guess you're right.

Looks like this guy'll be

the one that
got a... whoa! Whoops!

I guess we're having Lobster.

It was meant to be.

When you get married,

just pretend it's your
first time eating Lobster.

No problem.

Down it comes!
This stunning butter sculpture,

the likeness of Julia child,

was made from every available
stick and pat of butter

within the local
and outlying communities. Oh!

And there goes Julia's feet!

What?!
Lobsterfest is back on?

Hey, guys, um, you're not going

to Lobsterfest, are you?

Uh...
Uh...

I'm in kind of a bind, fellas.

There's a mailbox in the middle of
my restaurant.

Oh! Can you mail
this for me?

Wait. Hey, guys?

There he is, my
buddy, Hugo! Hi.

Oh, hi, Bob.
Hi, Bobby.

What are you both
doing right now?

My, uh, place, uh,

happened to get
destroyed last night.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

In the middle of...
Bob, I'm very busy.

I have tables and tables
of bisque to judge.

Hey, I hooked you
two up last night,

and you guys kind of broke the
baby-changing station in the bathroom.

Slap him with a citation, Hugo.

I want to watch.
Baby likes civil authority?

Yes, I love civil authority.
I'll show baby civil authority.

Stilts guy!
You fell through my window.

Lot of glass on the floor.

Where you going?
Got to go, Bob!

If I stay still too
long, I fall over!

P-people! Wait! Stop!

Wait! People!

Do you think
you can just ignore me?!

Well, as far as
accidental death goes,

this one was pretty tasty.

I feel tingly.
Do you feel tingly?

I think he's having
an allergic reaction.

We should do something.

Yeah, let's sit on him
and see if he pops.

No, we should take him
to Lobsterfest.

They have a medical tent.

And I could get more Lobster!

Oh, pop!
I'm trying!

Let's hear it
for John van Horton

and the music extrusion!

Uh, it's me. Bob!

Bob. Bob. Bob.

Okay...

Settle down.

Listen, what's going on here?

What are we doing?

Last thing I remember,
you were all in my place

and it was bobsterfest.

I want to get back to that.

Let's go back to that!

Or at the very least,
40 or 50 of you

come with me right now and help
me clean up the restaurant!

Not all at once.

Clean it yourself!

Whoa, dad's on the stage
at Lobsterfest.

My eyes don't work.
Paint me a word picture.

Kids? What are
you doing here?

Nothing.

What's wrong with gene?

He looks horrible.

He looks like he always looks.

No, he doesn't. Does he?

Looks like an allergic...

Did you eat Lobster?!

I, uh...
He refuses to answer that.

What's wrong with you people!

Look at my son!
Hello.

You did this!

You and your
disgusting food fetish!

Bob, get off the stage!

You're disorderly.

Oh, yeah? Maybe
I should get disorderly

with this Lobster pot here.

That's right, you heard me...
You trash my restaurant,

I trash Lobsterfest,
starting with this Lobster pot.

Ow! It's hot.

Let's leave that alone.

Oh, but I-I see some butter.

You wouldn't like it if someone

messed with
your precious butter!

Like stuff a big,
hairy toe in it!

Bob, put your foot

back in your sock slowly.

I'm authorising myself to use

my brand-new beanbag
gun to subdue you.

Excuse me, I'm sorry,
excuse me, excuse me.

Bob! No!
This isn't you!

This is me, Linda!

This is the me that they made!

And look what
they did to our son.

That's not how

he normally looks, is it?

Bobby, listen to me.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, oh...

You don't have to keep moving!

You're not a bottom-feeder, Bob!

No, I'm not a bottom-feeder.

I'm a burger man.

All right, I'm leaving.

I'm sure that's
what everybody wants.

Oh, what happens
if I... oh, whoops!

Ow!

Bobby, are you okay?

Excuse me, uh,

excuse me.

Oh, my God!

All the butter's been
contaminated by Bob,

and there isn't
any more in town!

Bob destroyed Lobsterfest!

Can't you just eat Lobster
without butter?

No! How?
That's an outrage!

Well, why don't you
call it butterfest?

It brings out
the succulence, jerk!

Yeah!

So what should we do with him?

Throw him in the shell pile!

Shell pile?

Shell pile! Shell pile!

Shell pile! Shell pile! Shell...

Oh, boy.

Excuse me, excuse me, sorry.

Maybe Bob shouldn't have
threatened your butter,

and he definitely should have
charged you for the burgers.

Boo...!

But he opened his
beautiful heart last night,

and you boiled it alive
like a Lobster!

All you're doing
is making us angrier!

Shell pile!

Shell pile!

Sorry, Bobby, I used
a bad analogy.

Hugo, this doesn't seem right.

What?
I have a girlfriend;

Bob's about to be
thrown on to a shell pile...

I've had this exact fantasy.

Come on, Hugo.

If Bob hadn't been
your wingman last night,

you'd be another lonely
guy in a satin sash.

I was doing fine!

I don't need a wingman!

Oh, no?

♪ Wingman ♪

♪ Flying with the eagles ♪

♪ Wingman ♪

♪ He's trying to help you out ♪

♪ Wingman ♪

♪ Wingman, wingman ♪

♪ Wingman, wingman... ♪

Agh! Damn it, Ron!

All right, attention, people!

Stop it, everyone!
Slow down!

I'm the health inspector.

Someone once told me that's
like being the food sheriff.

This vat of butter
isn't contaminated by Bob

until I say so!

I have with me
a dairy purity spectrometer.

Oh...

Now, give me some room.

Give him some room!

Thank you, Gretchen.

Ow! You stabbed me!

That's just epinephrine.

You're in anaphylactic shock.

Mm, you're a handsome shrimp.

You just jumped
to the top of my list.

It's a mating list
for when the world ends.

Can I get your e-mail?
No.

I have finished
my butter analysis.

Bob's skin flakes,
arm hair and fingernail dirt

are all present.

No! That's disgusting!

Let me finish!

They're present,
but not at threatening levels.

The butter is
grade C to D-minus.

Fit for everyone except babies

and people with
compromised immune systems.

In other words, get your bib on!

Man, that was the best
Lobsterfest ever.

Yeah. Turns out people
are hard on the outside

and soft on the inside.

Like, uh...

Like, uh...

Uh...

Oh, I don't know,
like a... like a crab.

Yup. People are
just like crabs.

And we witnessed the birth
of a new tradition...

Every year on Lobsterfest Eve,
we trash Bob's place.

No, no, no, no.
Right?

Let's start now!

Gene, you swear
you didn't have Lobster?

You've always looked like this?

I was born like this.

Uh, I need a picture to compare.

Oh, my God,

you do always look like this.

Hello, gorgeous!

Bob, Linda.
Hey, Hugo.

Where's Gretchen?

She's a firecracker,
that Gretchen.

You sure she's not more than you
can handle, Hugo?

Gretchen just broke up with me.

She said she was more
than I could handle.

Oh.
It was ugly.

She said she didn't
mind a small badge,

but said I didn't know
how to use it, Bob!

Ow.
Ouch.

Oh, that's too bad.

I don't need your pity!

So, here we are.

- Surprise inspection!
- Oh.

Pencil!
Pencil.

Pad!
Pad.

Ooh, bent spindle.
Ron! Shut it down!