Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Belchies - full transcript

The city is tearing down old Caffrey's Taffy Factory; it generates a lot of buzz. Zeke and Jimmy Jr. plan to be there, practicing wrestling moves, so Tina will be nearby. Teddy talks about his Uncle Paddy; he worked for Caffrey, who ran liquor during Prohibition and did not trust banks or greenbacks. Teddy draws a map shaped like a butt with 3 droppings; this is the supposed location of an elevator leading to tunnels. Teddy regales the kids with secret caves, G-Men, treasure, trip wires and taffy dummies. Treasure is a serious matter for Louise so she, Blabbermouth, Gene, Jimmy Jr., Zeke, Andy and Ollie explore the factory. Louise is really angry at Tina for inviting "dead weight." As Linda and Bob roll the dice, Louise finds the hidden elevator and with new friend, Taff, she goes for the gold. He ain't heavy, he's her dummy.

Dig, Gene!

Show me the treasure!

Maybe it's some tin foil
and we can recycle it.

Maybe it's a shovel, and I won't
have to dig with my hands.

Look! It's a watch!

Ollie? How long have you
been down there?

Where's Andy?
He was supposed to unbury me.

There you are! I've been
digging all over for you!

Is your brother around?

He's over there
playing with Zeke.

Okay, Jimmy Jr.,
put me in a crotch-lock



and see if I can get out of it.

Zeke.

This is why I'm only
friends with women.

- Pull the key out!
- They're on the wrestling team together.

- Pull the key out!
- I could help you practice, Jimmy Jr.

Tomorrow's good for me.

Thanks, but me and Zeke
are going to watch them

demolish that taffy
factory tomorrow.

We're gonna watch it
get blowed up. Boom!

- Scoop.
- Ow! Ah!

Tina, Gene, let's go.

We've got a whole beach to comb.

- Yes, sir.
- I'm good.

Come on! Hah!



Bobby, want to come over and
watch the game tonight?

I'm making a three-bean salad,
but it's bring your own bean.

Can I put you down for garbanzo?

No.
Nah, he can't.

Bob's got plans tonight.

Yeah, Teddy. Um...

Sunday nights me and Linda have,
uh, you know, an arrangement.

Oh!

Scheduled sex.

Eh... Do you want to
borrow my Sade tape?

Guess what we found
with our metal detector?

Another metal detector!
Yay.

And I found this on the beach.
I think it could help me.

Ooh. Passionfruit paperbacks.
Juicy!

Too bad you kids can't
take the metal detector

over to Caffrey's taffy factory.

Find his secret treasure before
they tear the place down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...
ho, secret treasure?

What are you, ah...
What are you talking about?

Whoops, there I go again.

Divulging amazing secrets.

Yeah, my Uncle Paddy
told me about it.

He used to work in Caffrey
back in the '50s.

He was his maid.

Your Uncle Paddy was a maid?
All maids were men back then.

Until women joined the workforce
and took all the maid jobs away.

All right, girls!
Go, girls!

A big part of Paddy's job
was dusting Caffrey's money.

Caffrey didn't make his money
from candy, you know.

He was a bootlegger!

I believe the term is
leg-warmer.

No it is not, Gene.

Anyway, Caffrey ran liquor

during Prohibition.

There are tunnels under
the factory where they brought

the booze in with boats
at high tide.

And the tunnels
were booby trapped

to keep out the G-men...

Lousy Feds.

Rumour is Caffrey even
made a bunch of taffy dummies

to guard his operation.

Like the Terra Cotta Warriors
of ancient China.

China. Stick to noodles, right?

- Is that racist?
- Yes.

- A little bit.
- No.

Anyway, Caffrey
didn't trust banks,

so he hid all his gold
down there in the tunnels.

Mm-hmm...

Uncle Paddy told me about it,
and now I'm gonna tell you.

There's a secret elevator
in the factory

that takes you down
to the tunnels underneath.

- Uh-huh. Continue.
- Yep. - Uh...

You follow the tunnel
around the curve

till you get to three stones,
and then you take the tunnel

that bends this way,
and there's the treasure!

It's a butt!

Get it? A butt!

With three turds!

Eh, Paddy got me good with
that one when I was a kid

and now I'm paying it forward.

Eh... Yeah, that's a...
That's a great one, Teddy.

Gold?

He was a funny man,
that Paddy. Eh...

A funny male maid.

With a serious drinking
problem and psoriasis.

Kids-only meeting. Now.
I'll get Mom.

No, Ti-Tina!
Kids!

Listen, let's go get
the taffy factory treasure!

We've got the map!

But it's just a butt!

Teddy was just
messing with our heads.

Men do that.

No, no, this might be real.
Think about it.

If you had the chance to make
a treasure map in a shape...

what shape would you make it?

- Butt. Butt.
- Exactly!

The factory's getting
demolished tomorrow,

so we have to go tonight.

You guys in? We doing this?

I could move some things around.

Let's find butt treasure!

Oh. Well, I am done.

No more chewing for me.

Look at the time.
Yeah!

I'm gonna sleep like a baby.

- A horny baby.
- Ooh.

Ah... Great dinner, Mom.

You outdid yourself.

That was a great day all around.
One for the books.

I want to go to bed immediately

before I spoil it
and make it just a regular day.

That was easy.

That was easy.

Gene, you don't need to do that.

Their door is shut.
I know. My belly itches.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

There it is, guys.

Caffrey's treasure
is as good as ours.

And no one knows about it!

What is Jimmy Jr. doing here?

I invited him.
What?!

This book is gonna be
my treasure map

to Jimmy Jr.'s heart.

All I have to do
is act like this damsel.

Hey, Tina. Oh, sorry
I got dirt on your leg.

Oh, my.
H-How will I ever get clean?

- Um, hose it off?
- Yes.

See that fishtail, J-Ju?

Zeke?! Jimmy Jr., you don't just
invite someone without asking!

Yeah! Yeah, we're
in agreement on that, Tina!

Okay, good.
Oh, Tina!

Whoo!
What are we waiting for?

That factory's got windows and
I got a passion for smashin'.

Heeyah!

Anyone else coming?

Just Andy, plus one.
That's Ollie.

We made it!
I got a funcussion!

Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow.

That one didn't hurt.

Ow!

Doofus, Brace-face,

Dingle, Berry,
Gas Tank, Blabbermouth.

Just so you know,
we're not sharing the treasure

with you, you, you and you.

Jimmy, the way the moonlight
shines on your hair

makes me feel so...
vulnerable.

Yeah... it makes me
feel like... dancing!

Yeah, J-Ju, faster!

Abandoned warehouse!
Pent-up feelings!

Footloose it!

Don't tell me not to dance, Dad!

We need to find
that secret elevator

and get down to the gold.

I can taste every flavor
from the past 60 years!

I can taste the Korean War!

I taste rust.

I taste Andy's spit!

Come on!

What?

The elevator!

This means Uncle Paddy
was right!

There's treasure down there!

You're welcome.

Tonight's gonna be
a little special.

I got a couple of surprises.

Not Teddy's Sade tape... Dice?

Sexy dice.

We roll them and they
tell us what to do.

Okay. Um, sounds... sexy.

Ooh, let's... "hug".
On the...

"chair."

- So, you're gonna hug on a chair?
- Mm-hmm.

Come. That's, uh...
Come to Momma.

Ahh.
Oh!

Get off.

Um... oh.
Get off.

There we go, that's better.
Whew.

So that's it for that.

So how do we work this thing...?

What's this one do? Ah.

What's happening?
It must be a booby trap!

Pull a different lever!

No rush.

Push the other way!

Nang, nang, nang, nang,
nang, nang, nang, nang...

nang... oh, good ear massage.

Uh. Oh, Bobby.
Aang, nang, nang, nang.

All right, let-let's see
what we got next.

All right?
I'm gonna roll.

Ugh. I got "lick" "foot" again.

- Lick it like you like it.
- No.

- Lick it like you like it.
- No more lick foot.

- Lick it like you like it. Lick...
- No more lick foot.

This little piggy
goes all the way home.

Hey, let's give these dice
a little help.

Let's do this... and this.

That's weird.

Well, it's about to get weirder
with this and this.

No, it's just,
do you hear the kids?

Huh. They're never
this quiet.

I'm gonna go check on them.

Aw!

I knew he didn't take out
the garbage.

Tina.

- Bobby, they're gone!
- What do you mean, "they're gone"?

They're not here.
I got Tina's diary.

Let's see if it says anything.

Dear Diary, tonight
we're sneaking into

the dangerous taffy factory.

Also, if boys had uturses
they'd be called duderuses.

- Duderuses.
- Bob!

They went to the taffy factory!

We got to get them!
Really?

Yes.
All right.

Bringing you guys along
was a big mistake.

Between you inviting
half of the town,

and you pushing and licking
everything in sight

like an animal...

You guys are a burden...
you are dead weight!

What are you doing now, Gene?

I'm being courteous!
I'm using the fart escape.

There's an opening there?
Yeah. But it's full of farts.

I can fit through there
and shimmy down those ropes.

I am ditching you dipsticks.

Wait! We can fit
through there too,

and Ollie can see in the dark.

And Andy knows all the capitals.

Albany, Montgomery,
Juneau, Phoenix,

- Boston, Montpelier, Helena, Boise...
- Brr, it sure is cold in here.

I wish some strong, chivalrous
man would lend me his jacket.

Or pants... Ow.

Wash 'em before you return 'em!

The treasure's in
the crack of the ass,

and it's close.
I can smell it.

Okay, I need one of you
in front of me

and one of you behind me
at all times,

in case there are booby traps.

Booby, booby, booby, booby.
Booby, booby, booby, booby, booby.

Sph! Sph!
Zip it! Zip it!

Oh! Nice try, Caffrey.

Would one of you be a lamb
and pull that string?

Oop.
Oh.

It was nothing.
Was nothing.

Well, that was probably more
menacing back in the day.

This thing's stuck.

What should we do now,
Jimmy Jr? You're smart.

While you guys keep on
blabbity blabbity blabbity

blabbity blabbity,
I'm getting outta here.

Yeah. Yeah. You go.

Come on, J-Ju.
Saddle up!

Okay. I mean, hell yeah!

Let's do it to this!
No!

I... I mean let's all go!
Come on, Gene!

I just got comfortable.

It took me five minutes
to cross my legs.

Now!

Ugh. I'm okay.

He's gone.

I thought Jimmy Jr. and I
would have a romantic night

in the sewer together,
like Fabrizio and Fay.

Tina, honey, it's pretty obvious
Jimmy Jr.'s not into you.

And I'm usually not that good
at picking up on vibes.

Did you know Mom and Dad
were a thing?

Damn it, Ollie!

- I'm Andy.
- Damn it, Andy!

Louise, which way did you go?

- Oh, you can't tell?
- That's too bad!

Don't follow me!

You'd just fall into
every single booby trap

that has ever...

Every single trap
that's ever been what?

Hm. Silent treatment.
Kind of weird

to start in the middle of
a sentence, but whatever.

Oh my God, Bobby,

I hope we find the kids
before they hurt themselves.

Oh, oh. Quit poking me
with that thing.

I'm sorry.
I can't help it.

I don't understand...
why is it still here?

Well...
I may have slipped

a penis pill
into your casserole.

Surprise.

What? Wh-Why?

Sometimes you want to ride
a roller coaster twice

and you don't want
to wait in line.

That's crazy. Where...
where'd you get it?

Ginger.

She does it with Tony
all the time.

I want to be edgy like them.

Pill-popping sex freaks.

Well, what am I supposed
to do with this now?

That thing made the kids;
Maybe it can find them.

- Where are they?
- You know, come on, get out of there.

Come on. Where are they?
Show me, girl.

Wait. Why is
it a girl?

'Cause it's a pretty brunette,
like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Oh, crap.

Andy! Ollie!

Go get help!

We're on it!

Montgomery, Harrisburg,
Las Vegas!

That's not a capital!

What?
I couldn't hear you.

Las Vegas is not a capital
of Nevada.

I didn't say Las Vegas.

What'd you say?
Oh, just go! Go!

Don't tell anyone.

Okay. Nothing to get
freaked out about.

My arm's not stuck in a crevice,

so I don't need to cut it off
like that impatient idiot.

I just cannot stop

banging things down here.

The acoustics are great.

Tina, what song is this?

"Aqua Boogie" by P-Funk?

Yes! Wow.

Hey. Hey, you. Tough guy!
You want a piece of me?

Sticky.

Are you made of taffy?

Huh.

There you go.

Not so scary, huh, Taff?

Just you and me now...
a girl and her taffy giant.

Classic.

Louise!

Nice echo.

When I say Gene, you say Gene.

Gene! Gene!

Gene?

Ugh. Is that what
my voice sounds like?

Kids, where are you?

We're down here.

How did you find us?

Because...
we're your parents

and we know everything.

Did you read my diary?

Yes.

Are you okay?

Where's Louise?
I don't hear Louise.

We don't know.

She ditched us, and then
she ditched us some more.

It hurt even more
the second time.

Uh, did you take
this elevator down?

Yes, but then we broke it.

Well, we'll just jump
down to the top

and figure it out from there.

We figured it out.

You okay?

How's your penis?
It's okay.

Mine's a nightmare,
if anyone's wondering.

Taff, you're not helping.

Squishy bastard.

Is everyone around me useless?

I have to do everything?

Okay, I see.

Another Taff tantrum,
right on schedule.

Big news... Taff is upset!

Everybody gather round!

Sorry, Taff.

I didn't mean it.

You said things, I said things.

Friends?

Louise!

I can't believe you
snuck out, and I...

I still don't understand
why you guys split up.

She went to find the
treasure by herself

because we're
"a burden."

Gene, what did I tell you
about finger quotes?

Not to "do" them.

But ironic detachment is great.

Nothing means anything!

Hey, up here!

Who the hell is that?

We went to get help.

I got more blood in my head

than a skeeter on a peter.

Oh, my God.
You really do.

All right, hang on a...
I'll get you guys down.

Jimmy, you're looking well.

I've been fine.

Okay, where's Louise?

And that's why I ditched
my brother and sister.

Don't look at me with your
judgemental, hollow eye holes.

What?!

Gene and Tina were a liability.

This is a treasure hunt!

This is a professional
operation!

You would have left them, too.

Well, you weren't there,
were you?

If they're so great, how come
they haven't found me yet?

Huh? Huh? Huh?!

Louise!

Down here!

Don't, don't, don't, don't!

No one likes an I-told-you-so.

Oh, thank God.

We'll get you out, baby!

Are you all right, Louise?

We're fine!
Who's "we"?

Me and Taff!

Let's just call
the fire department, right?

There's no service.

I hate this
freaking phone, Bobby.

Lin, we're underground.
You can't blame the phone.

What, do you work
for the phone company now?

Bob's Phone Company?

What, are you
going to beat me up?

Get me out of here!

- Sorry, Louise.
- Yeah, sorry. I have a cheap phone,

so you're going to have
to stay in there

- for the rest of your life.
- Your mother was arguing about the phone.

Yeah, I did a walk-through.

I did it twice.

We're good.

Get me out of here!

Okay. Louise, calm down.

Listen,
you're not in any danger.

What was that?

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no!

Oh, my God.
Maybe it's an earthquake.

Maybe the neighbours are just
moving furniture around.

We should probably pray.

Uh, dear God, this
is Tina from school.

I just peed Andy's pants.

Warm, warm, warm, cold.

Oh, crap.
They started the demolition!

Hey, so my friend had
a three-bean salad party,

but it was bring your own bean.

Who does that?

Don't worry, Louise!

We're going to get you out!

How are we going to get her out?

Maybe we should smoke her out.

Louise, are you sure
there isn't something

down there you can use
to climb out?

Oh, wait!

Here's a grappling hook!

Oh, and here's an escalator!

- Silly me!
- We're about to die, Louise.

Do you really want
your last words to be sarcastic?

No!

I got it... let's all
spit in the pit.

Then she can swim to safety.

Right, J-Ju?

We're all gonna die!

Stupid book.

I'm sick of acting like a dumb,

helpless girl just so a hot boy

who dances his feelings
will notice me.

That's not who I am.

I'm a smart, strong,
sensual woman.

Oh, God.

Now, here's how
we'll get Louise out.

We'll make a ladder.

Everyone,
lock your arms like this.

The person underneath
puts their legs through,

and you use your core strength
to do the work.

Um, my core
is super ticklish, so...

- I don't know, Tina.
- No, it'll work.

I saw Jimmy Jr. and Zeke
do it in wrestling practice.

Hey, those practices are closed!

I'm aware of that, Zeke.

I'm the reason they're closed.

All right, let's try it.

Louise, grab Gene's hands.

Can't reach them!

Nobody say anything...
Louise looks really different.

What is that?

This is Taff.

He's a booby trap

that became much more than that.

Everybody run!

Why is Taff stuck on Dad?

Well, sometimes, when a man
loves a woman very much...

Oh, crap.

Dead end? Ugh.

If I'm going to die,

I'm going to play "Aqua Boogie"
one last time.

Hiyah!

Gene, not now.

Wait. That sounds hollow.

Hit it again, Gene, harder.

Daylight!

Everybody, through here.

We made it.

We're safe.

Um, lots of people out here.

Whoa. Your sex night took
a weird turn, huh, Bobby?

Daddy!

Andy? Ollie?

Hey, I thought you guys
were with your mother.

You came for us!

I'm just here
to watch the demolition.

You know, I mean, yes,
I came for you.

I'm a great father.

All right,
off, off, off, off, off.

You're wrinkling my belt.

You know what, Tina?

Strong girls are hot.

Put it on a T-shirt, Jimmy Jr.

I don't want to hear it.

Just when I think I'm out,

those cheeks pull me
right back in.

Get off me, you wuss.

Ah, looks like you finally

got the starch out
of your shirt.

Yeah. Finally.

Aw, what a waste.

Well, we'll try it next Sunday.

Please don't drug me again.

We'll see.

Tina, Gene, Taff made me realise

I was a little hard on you two.

I said you were
useless dead weight,

but I was so wrong.

Tina, you got me out
of that booby trap.

And Gene, you actually
banged us to freedom.

I can't take all the credit.

I'd like to thank this brick
and Questlove.

I'm sorry I was mean
to you guys.

Eh, I just figured you
were having female troubles.

What are female troubles?

I love you, too, Louise.

Aw.

And, Taff, what are the words?

I love you.

You're going to live
with me now.

You're not taking that
filthy thing home.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, I guess there
wasn't any treasure.

This butt was just a joke
after all.

Maybe the journey
was the treasure.

♪ Teddy was right ♪
About the treasure

♪ In the butt
♪ The next day you will see

♪ Taff is washed up
on the beach ♪

♪ And oh, my God,
is that a gold bar? ♪

♪ The wave just
washed him out far ♪

♪ The kids didn't look
close enough ♪

♪ In the taffy butt
♪ You have a taffy butt

♪ There's treasure
in that butt ♪

♪ I want that taffy
butt ♪ Ay yi yi yi yi

♪ Taffy butt
♪ It's such a taffy butt

♪ There's gold there
in that butt ♪

♪ Give me some taffy
butt ♪ Ay yi yi yi yi

♪ Taffy butt
♪ Oh, I want the taffy butt

♪ Give me, give me

♪ Give me some taffy butt
♪ Ay yi yi yi yi.