Bob & Rose (2001–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
Tonight?
Tonight.
It's just bizarre.
It's with you,
it's only with you.
It's so strange.
Kill the moment, Bob.
So, um...
what happens down Canal
Street when they find out?
Is it like getting chucked
out of the Brownies?
I don't know.
I suppose anything
goes down there.
We're cutting-edge.
I've never been cutting-edge.
Nor me.
Even at school, everyone else was off down
the Hacienda, and I was watching telly.
I was doing my homework.
Who'd have thought?
Here we are, radical.
I'm going to have to
wear a baseball cap.
I haven't really...
told anyone, you know.
It's best not.
We don't know if...
I mean, it might not last.
It might be...
Who knows?
But...
we'll take it slowly,
a stage at a time.
Are you free tomorrow?
Yeah.
He's not still around, is he, that
bloke? The one you had sex with.
The fling thing.
No, that was just
one of those nights.
- Cos you'd say if he was?
- Of course I would.
- You'd tell me?
- I would, and I haven't, so he's not.
There you are, then.
Come out with us.
Marina's coming down, Suzie...
Claire, maybe.
A proper night out.
- Good old-fashioned husband hunt.
- No, I don't think so.
You're a single girl now.
On your wage, and at your time of life,
you don't want to sit around waiting.
- Rose?
- I've got five minutes left.
Rose, he looks awful - Andy.
Thought I'd better um...
It's your...
It's your clothes and things.
I was going to come
round the house, but...
...I didn't want to...
I've got your CDs.
I'll bring them round.
- You can keep them.
- Don't be daft.
I don't want them. Have them.
Have you got that
Nick Hancock video?
Like I'd rather die.
Is there someone else?
Honestly, there's not.
You might as well tell me,
cos it's all over,
so what's the
harm in telling me?
- There's no-one else.
- It's just me, then?
- It's both of us.
- Yeah, but I didn't finish with you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
So it's my fault.
- It's not.
- Cos...
- I can change, Rose.
- There's nothing wrong with you.
Well, hello? Dumped!
You don't... You don't get
dumped if nothing's wrong.
Andy, honestly,
you're such a lovely man,
and I'm just...
OK.
That's that, then.
Okey-doke.
So,
why don't the families get on?
What's caused the trouble?
- I don't know.
- Have you actually read it?
- Yeah.
- What are they called, then?
- What are the family names?
- It's not my fault.
Sir, if Juliet's 15,
and they're having sex,
that's against the law.
Is there sex?
How old's Romeo? Does it say?
Cos even if he's 15
- it's still against the law.
- What page is the sex on?
It's not real sex,
it's poem sex.
"BOY". Do they have sex
when they do it on stage?
Who's that, sir?
Look, is the headmaster in?
Is there a Mrs Gossage in there?
- Try stopping her. Is that Gossage as in you?
- Yeah. Can I just...?
There he is. He'll back me up.
Sorry, it's my mother.
- I gathered.
- With an average class of 35,
that's two lesbians and two
gay boys per classroom,
with a further 12 likely to have
some sort of homosexual encounter
by the time they're 21,
and good luck to them.
What they need is information.
Youth group, gay switchboard -
nothing explicit, no body parts.
Mum, this is hardly
the time or the place.
No doubt that's what
Quintus Fabius Maximus said,
but did it stop Hannibal crossing
the Alps? No, it did not.
And if you go through the wording of
Section 28 with a fine-tooth comb,
there is nothing to stop you
putting this information on display.
- I've got a copy...
- I know the legislation, thank you.
Then how can you object?
- I'm really sorry.
- No objection.
None. I'll put them on display,
gladly.
- Really?
- You've got my word. Very good idea.
You should have thought of it, Bob.
Now, if you don't mind, work to do.
- Thank you.
- And perhaps a letter first, next time.
- Make an appointment.
- Yes. I'll be back.
I thought you might.
And, by the way.
Quintus Fabius Maximus was only appointed
consul AFTER Hannibal crossed the Alps.
Yes, it's a good idea. I'm just
saying there are ways and means.
Is he like this down Canal
Street, Holly? Does he blush?
He's shameless.
- There's just proper ways of doing it, that's all.
- I did write letters. I wrote a thousand.
No reply. I've been into seven schools this
week. Six of them have shown me the door.
- It's not easy.
- I think it's marvellous.
So do I.
Well, I wouldn't mind you saying
thanks just once in a while.
Thanks.
Anyway...
If you're interested, the
Jeffords are coming round tonight.
Their son Richard,
his hair's grown back. Nice boy.
I'm sort of busy.
- He's got a date.
- Who is he?
He's nice. It's early days.
Richard's a bit dull.
Just you behave,
and don't forget the 25th.
See you.
- Thank you.
- Well, you HAVE got a date.
Yeah, but leave it.
Lying to your mother?
Back in the closet?
Sorry.
- It's just weird. So...
- Tell me about it.
Big sorry.
So, what's the plan, then,
you and mysterious Rose?
Going out for a meal.
Have you booked? Cos
there's a convention in town.
I saw it in the papers. All the hotels
and restaurants are all full, so you should book.
What's the convention?
Er, it's...
people who sell beds.
Bed people.
OK. See you.
I've booked a table.
It's this place called the
Olive Grove. I said 8:30.
- Are you all right?
- Well, no, I'm just getting in.
- What's it called?
- The Olive Grove. It's on Marsden Street,
middle of town,
sort of behind Boots.
- Marsden Street?
- Marsden. D-E-N.
Let's make it a proper date,
you and me.
- It's supposed to be nice.
- We'll find out.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Is the bathroom free?
- No.
Well, hurry up, then,
and open the window.
- I've got paella.
- I'm going out.
Dean,
two minutes and I'm coming in,
so shift yourself or start hiding
your bits - it's up to you.
Hi. I've sort of cocked things up
this end and got a bit confused.
I wonder... Could you tell me, have
you got a booking for Gossage tonight?
I thought not. Thank you.
OK, thank you.
Gossage and partner?
Anything? Anything at all?
Eight o'clock, nine o'clock,
ten o'clock. Seven o'clock.
I know you can't
give me details, but...
I'm Gossage. Gossage is me.
I've just completely forgotten.
Um...
It's a medical condition,
actually.
It might be under Robert.
Have you got a Robert?
Try Bob.
You have!
And um... what time is that?
8:30? Right, there you go.
I wrote down ten o'clock.
Thank God I phoned. OK, well,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Dad? Get yourself cleaned up.
We're going out.
My treat.
Am I late?
Um, no, no, I'm early.
Well, here we are, then.
- It looks all right.
- It's lovely, yeah.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
- Nice? Do you say nice?
Is that all right?
You look gorgeous.
Is that better?
Is that what you say?
Most men say, "Nice tits."
It's still weird.
Well, let's make a deal. Let's just talk
about the weather, and last night's telly,
and the price of shoes.
Let's just be normal.
I mean, not that you're not
normal. God. Nice weather.
Yeah, great weather.
- See the weather yesterday?
- No, I missed it.
It was fantastic weather.
Would you like a drink,
or do you want to come through?
Um, go through, thanks.
I'm really glad I dressed up.
It's dead smart.
- This is ridiculous.
- Blimey, hello!
You're so stupid. That's why
I said to book, cos I'd booked!
- You never listen.
- I got a table straightaway.
I know. It's not even full.
All the bed people must have...
gone to bed!
Hi.
Hello.
Rose, this is Holly. Holly, the one I'm
always going on about. Hello, Mr Vance.
Bob.
- Nice place.
- Yeah. Yeah, I've been here before.
Yeah. I come here lots.
I told you.
God, he never listens!
- Have you ordered?
- Not yet.
We could sit with
you if you want.
- I mean, I don't mind.
- No, don't be daft.
No, you don't want me.
Off you go. I'll see you later.
Well, nice to meet you.
I'll wave.
Actually,
are there any booths free?
Yeah, that's fine,
if you prefer.
Booths. Posh!
Cheers!
So, you've told her.
Well, she's my friend.
- I've got friends.
- She's like my best friend.
I haven't told anyone.
I don't remember
signing a contract.
Besides, you were
having an affair. I wasn't.
Thanks for reminding me. I'd love to hear what
you told her, since you can't explain it to me.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Do you want us to go?
- No!
- Of course not!
It's just Dad. He got this tax bill,
but it was wrong, it was a mistake.
But it was £5,000. I sorted
it out. He hasn't got to pay it,
but he was all upset,
so I promised him a meal.
- It's all right, honestly.
- Anyway,
I won't interrupt. We should do this
again, you know, go out for a drink.
Not my dad, obviously!
Right, well,
that's enough of me.
He said you were beautiful.
The steak looks nice.
I just saw it go by.
She's nice.
She's fab.
I did not say "beautiful".
I AM beautiful.
OK.
She's just his friend, you know, cos
he loves having his girls around him.
There's a draught.
- Do you want to move?
- No, I said there's a draught.
If I want to move,
I'll say I want to move.
I didn't say that.
I said there's a draught. Do
you want me to explain it again?
Sorry.
Look who I found.
I was er...
I brought this back. Her car's not
outside, so I thought it was safe.
I was going to call round.
I didn't know what to do.
Sit down. She's mad, that girl.
I said it to her face.
I went round there today,
thinking she'd take
one look and er...
- fall into my arms and all that bollocks.
- Did she mention anyone else?
No.
"TREVOR".
We're bearing the brunt.
When Dean stays over,
he's shoved in the boxroom.
Six foot three by three
foot nine, and is she sorry?
It'll be the crack of doom
before she apologises.
- Is there someone else?
- How would I know?
Is there?
Well, is there?
Carol, my love, the sooner your daughter
gets over this little fit, the better.
I am not remotely
happy living like this.
Did she ever mention a Bob?
Who's Bob?
There's a Bob,
and there's a restaurant.
And I end up with this stupid
little brother. He's at your school.
Dean. Trevor's DEAN.
- He's one of yours.
- What's his name?
Dean Gadds, year seven.
- No, I don't know him.
- You must. You can't miss him.
He looks like this.
- Is it all right?
- It's what I ordered.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm a brilliant teacher. I might as well
be sponsored by McDonald's for staff training.
Um, just a tick.
Um, don't do a runner.
Foiled again.
You're stalking me.
- How's your meal?
- I had the salad. Healthy.
I suppose this must
seem a bit odd to you.
I don't mind.
He can do what he wants.
Not with me, he can't.
It's just I've never been...
Has he done this before?
With a woman?
What does he say?
He says not.
And you don't believe him?
Good start to a relationship.
He never has, he never has.
He wouldn't lie.
You've got a good one there,
Rose.
- Bob?
- Yeah.
Classy joint.
Andy-
Right.
Would you fancy
him if you didn't know?
Him?
No. No offence, but...
No, he's a bit sort of mild.
Not my type-
I like a big, tall,
take-charge bloke.
And have you got one?
You know...
Have you?
No.
How long's it been going on,
then?
Ages back, I bet. I can see it.
- I'm right, aren't I?
- There's nothing going on.
I can make this a lot worse,
mate. Tell me how long.
We're just friends.
A friend she never mentioned?
Maybe she never mentioned
me because I'm gay. I am.
- You're gay?
- 100 per cent.
Do you want me to prove it?
That waiter, look at him.
Look at his arse. That's the
best arse in the restaurant.
Look at all the others. Go on.
Even you, as a straight man - look
at it clinically, structurally-
even you can tell
that's the best arse.
Now, I clocked it in 0.2
seconds. Could you do that?
I'm looking at a man's arse.
Shit.
Look, never mind Bob. If you ever
want a chinwag behind his back,
I got these done.
- Get you! Smart.
- They're £5 at the post office. It's like I'm real.
Yeah, give us a call any time.
I'm always in.
The things I could tell you.
I've made a right
twat of myself.
- It's all right. I told him.
- I'm sorry.
It only began a few days back.
It's nothing to do with us.
I told him I'm gay.
Yes. Bob.
Gay Bob.
"BOB". Here you go.
How did you know I was here?
I don't know. I was...
I just got lucky,
I saw your car.
What started?
What did?
"It started a couple
of days back."
- I don't know.
- Shoulder to cry on.
"Started".
Are you sleeping with her?
I'm really gay. Completely.
Have you slept with him?
No.
You liar.
All right, let's go. There's a
pub down the road, so we can...
- Are you fed up with me?
- Excuse me,
could we...?
The pub's right down there. It's
nice and quiet, so we can...
- Do you want me to go?
- Yeah, you can go!
Just stop that right now!
We didn't do it on purpose. We just
met, and I thought he was gay, so...
- I am gay.
- Yeah, but...
And Bob didn't know,
really he didn't,
- so when it turns out that he's bisexual, it just...
- I'm not bisexual.
Bob, I was there.
I'm not.
OK, whatever. It was an accident,
and if I'd stopped to think about you...
I'm really not bisexual.
You're an obstinate bastard.
Can't you just leave it?
Well, I'm not.
We've had sex five times. We
came out tonight for sex again.
- I don't need this.
- I'm still gay.
- I'm absolutely gay.
- He is, he's gay.
Who the hell are you?
- I'm with Bob.
- She's my friend.
- Does it mean you're sleeping with her?
- No.
- It doesn't matter what he is.
- Yes, it does. I swear to you,
I was born gay, I'm gay now,
I'll die gay,
and I'll have a gay gravestone.
- So, what am I? A passing hole?
- That's disgusting.
Have you heard them?
- You slept with her?
- Yes.
- But he didn't mean it.
- Yes, I did.
- And you're gay?
- Yes.
- Then how did you sleep with her?
- I don't know!
- It's something about her.
- Don't tell me that!
There's a thousand men down your end of
town, and you have to go and pick her!
Do you think it doesn't
count because he's a poof?
You bastard! You bastard,
I could swing for you!
Go on, then.
- If that's how it happens, do it.
- I've got the car.
Come on, hit me. I deserve it.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Cos you're... gay.
- You can't hit me cos I'm gay?
- No!
You poof!
Of course you can hit me.
Newsflash -
straight men can't hit gay men.
First time in history.
Can't you just leave it?
- Why?
- I'll hit you in a minute.
- Get off your soapbox!
- You'd like that.
Down your end of town.
Down the straight end.
- Don't have a go at me for being straight.
- Aren't you?
I've always been. You're the
one that's buggering about!
There you go. I knew she'd
bring it down to buggery.
- Christ, there's a gob on you!
- Go on, then, hit me.
Come on, do it. Punch me.
That's a slap.
I'm going home.
- How gay is that?
- Are we off'?
In a minute.
All right, come on.
I'll take him home. You just...
go and be gay.
I met him.
Complete strangers.
I ended up back at his.
I thought it was safe.
We sat in his kitchen.
It got late,
- we got drunk.
- I don't want to know.
There were all sorts of things wrong with
you and me. I should've said something.
I don't want to know.
I'll see you around.
Bollocks to the lot of them!
They're just up their arses,
and not in a good way.
What have you
got in the morning?
11B, double lesson.
Bollocks! What are they
going to do? Sack us?
- Can I stay the night?
- You're not going anywhere.
Cheers.
Bollocks!
Don't mind me.
I saw Andy tonight,
and if you think there's any chance of us
getting back together, you can forget it.
You're stuck with me.
So be it, then.
Not the best of starts, is it?
I could've made it better.
Clean slate?
So long as your mother's happy. She's priority
number one. We've got to think of her.
And I suppose there's a
bonus in having you around.
I can see what a pretty
young thing she once was.
He was a knob.
Sanjay, his name was.
He wanted me to wear a nappy.
He was from Streatham...
Clapham...
Hackney?
You're so mad. I can't believe
you've never been to London.
I've never needed to.
I'll take you for your birthday.
- You're always saying that.
- I will.
What a night.
I am not bisexual!
Rose who?
I've never heard of her.
You never know,
maybe you've turned.
She could be the first
in a long line of women.
You arch seducer.
That's me.
Maybe I'm not safe. Maybe you've
lured me here to have your wicked way.
I'm going to jump
on you in a minute.
Try it, I'll punch your face in!
Mind you, I'm so drunk
I wouldn't even notice.
That'd be funny, though.
You and me.
Night, then.
Night.
Look, there now,
I've filled it in.
Joint account, me and Trevor.
Practically married.
- "TREVOR". À bientôt, ladies.
- Bye.
Are you sure that's wise?
I've learnt my lesson. I'm not
going to spend all his money.
Suppose he spends yours?
- Imagine!
- Imagine. See you.
Hey, Trevor said you saw Andy.
What happened?
- Sure you've got everything? Homework?
- Yeah.
Good.
Trev?
Trev, I've got to go to head office.
I'll take Dean. It's on the way.
Are you sure?
Well, it saves you time.
Clean slate...
I suppose it's
all right for you.
Pocket money off your mum,
Dad paying alimony.
You must get spoilt rotten.
Does he buy you stuff, your dad?
Only he was saying the other
day that he'd lost some money,
run up some debts or something.
What's that about?
He did say, but the telly
was on. Has he said?
He doesn't tell me.
Has your mum said, or...?
He were printing.
That's it, yeah.
What sort of printing?
He printed stuff,
and it didn't work.
What, like a book,
or a magazine?
Off the Internet.
Would that be like...
...photographs?
Do I have to buy you
Christmas presents and things?
No, no, no, no, no,
you save your pennies.
Funny old business, printing.
Does he still owe money now,
your dad?
Poor old Trev.
Met one of your teachers
the other day. What was it?
Um, Mr Gossage.
Do you know him?
- Yeah.
- What's he like?
He's a bit of a poof.
- How's that, then?
- He goes out with Miss Vance.
She does physics.
See you.
Dean?
- Do you want a lift home tonight?
- I'm going to Mum's.
Is that Dean Gadds?
Yeah. What about him?
"WOMAN". Holly,
have you got those directives?
Here she is, girls - Rose
Cooper, spinster of this parish.
- Back where I belong.
- Andy was such a nice man.
Tony's gone.
Binned him, chucked him, kaput.
Aw!
I saw Simon today.
Aw!
Aye? Where have you been?
I've travelled far,
to a strange and foreign land,
but now I return to my people
in their hour of need.
And what do they need?
Cock. Mine.
I said, "Why?"
He said, "I don't know."
I said, 'Well, I don'I know, YOU
tell ME.' He said he were drunk.
I said, "Well, I get drunk.
I don't do that."
- And all the time, he's holding this vase.
- Bastard!
So I said, "I'm going." I said,
"I'm going." He said, "Don't go."
I said, "I am", and I went.
I said, "I'm never
speaking to you again."
I've been phoning all week,
and he don't pick up.
Cardiff!
I'm sorry, mate. No jeans
and trainers. Read the sign.
They're not jeans,
they're moleskin.
- You've got trainers as well, haven't you?
- That guy there's got trainers on.
Evening, lads. Looking gorgeous.
It's the man with wood
panelling! Remember him?
The bloke I snogged at Easter.
What's his name?
Ricky.
What if Simon's in?
I'll die. I'll die if I see him.
- Has it changed?
- Has it bollocks!
Check it out, over there.
Rugby team.
Just what we need.
Far from home, and lowering
their standards with every pint.
There's a man in a rabbit suit!
Aw!
He's nice.
- See you later.
- See you.
I've seen you in WHSmith's.
I flew in this morning.
I'm from Holland.
Prove it.
Speak a bit of Holland, then.
No. I'm here to assimilate.
I'm a guest in your country.
"MAN".
It's just off Quay Street.
I'm head of accounts. I've got a
team of 15 covering the Northwest.
We're building inroads into
Birmingham at the moment.
We've established a platform,
and the plan is: nationwide by 2007.
That's pending a
decision on the euro.
Yeah, well, I could say
I was a doctor. Who's to know?
I am! Look, I'll prove it.
Have a look.
It's on my credit card. See?
Look - doctor. I'm a doctor.
Are we supposed to be impressed?
I'm 5'7 ", 32" waist,
6½ inches, uncut.
I can do dom, but I won't do sub. If
it's plain vanilla, 80 per cent top,
20 per cent bottom.
Always up for a bit of mutual.
How about you?
I'm a Capricorn.
I hate him, Des. I really do!
It's not fair.
I hate him!
I love him, Kimberley!
I love him!
She's just been telling
me about this top...
Like that.
Bad shirt.
So many bad shirts.
Urgh, black pleated trousers!
No chance.
He's not bad.
Nice.
Bad haircut.
What's he go and do that for?
Nice arse.
Blimey!
Fantastic arse.
Bloody hell - packet!
I bet 1,000 quid he's married,
and all of his mates know.
They go round to his, and have a curry
with his wife, and don't say a word.
How stupid is she?
What the hell does she
think he's doing tonight?
Way out of my league. I'll never
sleep with a man like that.
There you go.
I don't even exist.
Fair enough. That's the rules.
Don't look at him.
Not even allowed to look.
And I'm out of YOUR league,
buster.
Don't you look.
A bit overweight.
Still, Andy was overweight.
Didn't bother me.
Chinos, preppy shirt. Nice.
Andy used to wear that.
He's having a laugh.
I like that.
Andy was always having a laugh.
My God!
They're all Andy.
He's all of them! I chucked him,
and he's all there is.
Spinster!
Stop looking!
Is this your first time out,
or what?
I'm too good for you.
You're breaking the rules.
Stop bloody looking.
You bastard.
Look at me one more time,
and I'm going...
There are no rules.
They scrapped the rules,
and no-one told me.
So, we're going to
give it a go properly?
Boyfriend and girlfriend.
Girlfriend! You can't say
"girlfriend" without being camp.
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Lovers, then.
Whatever.
I mean it, though, cos there's
no point if you're going to...
I'm gay,
and I want to be with you.
I'm not going out with you just
because you're fed up with them.
Same for you.
I do mean properly, though.
Not in secret.
Like you and me, and my friends,
and your friends.
You've met Holly.
You'll like her.
And you can meet my lot.
And...
all of them -
parents and things.
I can meet your mother.
I can meet yours.
I think we should
stop talking now.
Tonight.
It's just bizarre.
It's with you,
it's only with you.
It's so strange.
Kill the moment, Bob.
So, um...
what happens down Canal
Street when they find out?
Is it like getting chucked
out of the Brownies?
I don't know.
I suppose anything
goes down there.
We're cutting-edge.
I've never been cutting-edge.
Nor me.
Even at school, everyone else was off down
the Hacienda, and I was watching telly.
I was doing my homework.
Who'd have thought?
Here we are, radical.
I'm going to have to
wear a baseball cap.
I haven't really...
told anyone, you know.
It's best not.
We don't know if...
I mean, it might not last.
It might be...
Who knows?
But...
we'll take it slowly,
a stage at a time.
Are you free tomorrow?
Yeah.
He's not still around, is he, that
bloke? The one you had sex with.
The fling thing.
No, that was just
one of those nights.
- Cos you'd say if he was?
- Of course I would.
- You'd tell me?
- I would, and I haven't, so he's not.
There you are, then.
Come out with us.
Marina's coming down, Suzie...
Claire, maybe.
A proper night out.
- Good old-fashioned husband hunt.
- No, I don't think so.
You're a single girl now.
On your wage, and at your time of life,
you don't want to sit around waiting.
- Rose?
- I've got five minutes left.
Rose, he looks awful - Andy.
Thought I'd better um...
It's your...
It's your clothes and things.
I was going to come
round the house, but...
...I didn't want to...
I've got your CDs.
I'll bring them round.
- You can keep them.
- Don't be daft.
I don't want them. Have them.
Have you got that
Nick Hancock video?
Like I'd rather die.
Is there someone else?
Honestly, there's not.
You might as well tell me,
cos it's all over,
so what's the
harm in telling me?
- There's no-one else.
- It's just me, then?
- It's both of us.
- Yeah, but I didn't finish with you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
So it's my fault.
- It's not.
- Cos...
- I can change, Rose.
- There's nothing wrong with you.
Well, hello? Dumped!
You don't... You don't get
dumped if nothing's wrong.
Andy, honestly,
you're such a lovely man,
and I'm just...
OK.
That's that, then.
Okey-doke.
So,
why don't the families get on?
What's caused the trouble?
- I don't know.
- Have you actually read it?
- Yeah.
- What are they called, then?
- What are the family names?
- It's not my fault.
Sir, if Juliet's 15,
and they're having sex,
that's against the law.
Is there sex?
How old's Romeo? Does it say?
Cos even if he's 15
- it's still against the law.
- What page is the sex on?
It's not real sex,
it's poem sex.
"BOY". Do they have sex
when they do it on stage?
Who's that, sir?
Look, is the headmaster in?
Is there a Mrs Gossage in there?
- Try stopping her. Is that Gossage as in you?
- Yeah. Can I just...?
There he is. He'll back me up.
Sorry, it's my mother.
- I gathered.
- With an average class of 35,
that's two lesbians and two
gay boys per classroom,
with a further 12 likely to have
some sort of homosexual encounter
by the time they're 21,
and good luck to them.
What they need is information.
Youth group, gay switchboard -
nothing explicit, no body parts.
Mum, this is hardly
the time or the place.
No doubt that's what
Quintus Fabius Maximus said,
but did it stop Hannibal crossing
the Alps? No, it did not.
And if you go through the wording of
Section 28 with a fine-tooth comb,
there is nothing to stop you
putting this information on display.
- I've got a copy...
- I know the legislation, thank you.
Then how can you object?
- I'm really sorry.
- No objection.
None. I'll put them on display,
gladly.
- Really?
- You've got my word. Very good idea.
You should have thought of it, Bob.
Now, if you don't mind, work to do.
- Thank you.
- And perhaps a letter first, next time.
- Make an appointment.
- Yes. I'll be back.
I thought you might.
And, by the way.
Quintus Fabius Maximus was only appointed
consul AFTER Hannibal crossed the Alps.
Yes, it's a good idea. I'm just
saying there are ways and means.
Is he like this down Canal
Street, Holly? Does he blush?
He's shameless.
- There's just proper ways of doing it, that's all.
- I did write letters. I wrote a thousand.
No reply. I've been into seven schools this
week. Six of them have shown me the door.
- It's not easy.
- I think it's marvellous.
So do I.
Well, I wouldn't mind you saying
thanks just once in a while.
Thanks.
Anyway...
If you're interested, the
Jeffords are coming round tonight.
Their son Richard,
his hair's grown back. Nice boy.
I'm sort of busy.
- He's got a date.
- Who is he?
He's nice. It's early days.
Richard's a bit dull.
Just you behave,
and don't forget the 25th.
See you.
- Thank you.
- Well, you HAVE got a date.
Yeah, but leave it.
Lying to your mother?
Back in the closet?
Sorry.
- It's just weird. So...
- Tell me about it.
Big sorry.
So, what's the plan, then,
you and mysterious Rose?
Going out for a meal.
Have you booked? Cos
there's a convention in town.
I saw it in the papers. All the hotels
and restaurants are all full, so you should book.
What's the convention?
Er, it's...
people who sell beds.
Bed people.
OK. See you.
I've booked a table.
It's this place called the
Olive Grove. I said 8:30.
- Are you all right?
- Well, no, I'm just getting in.
- What's it called?
- The Olive Grove. It's on Marsden Street,
middle of town,
sort of behind Boots.
- Marsden Street?
- Marsden. D-E-N.
Let's make it a proper date,
you and me.
- It's supposed to be nice.
- We'll find out.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Is the bathroom free?
- No.
Well, hurry up, then,
and open the window.
- I've got paella.
- I'm going out.
Dean,
two minutes and I'm coming in,
so shift yourself or start hiding
your bits - it's up to you.
Hi. I've sort of cocked things up
this end and got a bit confused.
I wonder... Could you tell me, have
you got a booking for Gossage tonight?
I thought not. Thank you.
OK, thank you.
Gossage and partner?
Anything? Anything at all?
Eight o'clock, nine o'clock,
ten o'clock. Seven o'clock.
I know you can't
give me details, but...
I'm Gossage. Gossage is me.
I've just completely forgotten.
Um...
It's a medical condition,
actually.
It might be under Robert.
Have you got a Robert?
Try Bob.
You have!
And um... what time is that?
8:30? Right, there you go.
I wrote down ten o'clock.
Thank God I phoned. OK, well,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Dad? Get yourself cleaned up.
We're going out.
My treat.
Am I late?
Um, no, no, I'm early.
Well, here we are, then.
- It looks all right.
- It's lovely, yeah.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
- Nice? Do you say nice?
Is that all right?
You look gorgeous.
Is that better?
Is that what you say?
Most men say, "Nice tits."
It's still weird.
Well, let's make a deal. Let's just talk
about the weather, and last night's telly,
and the price of shoes.
Let's just be normal.
I mean, not that you're not
normal. God. Nice weather.
Yeah, great weather.
- See the weather yesterday?
- No, I missed it.
It was fantastic weather.
Would you like a drink,
or do you want to come through?
Um, go through, thanks.
I'm really glad I dressed up.
It's dead smart.
- This is ridiculous.
- Blimey, hello!
You're so stupid. That's why
I said to book, cos I'd booked!
- You never listen.
- I got a table straightaway.
I know. It's not even full.
All the bed people must have...
gone to bed!
Hi.
Hello.
Rose, this is Holly. Holly, the one I'm
always going on about. Hello, Mr Vance.
Bob.
- Nice place.
- Yeah. Yeah, I've been here before.
Yeah. I come here lots.
I told you.
God, he never listens!
- Have you ordered?
- Not yet.
We could sit with
you if you want.
- I mean, I don't mind.
- No, don't be daft.
No, you don't want me.
Off you go. I'll see you later.
Well, nice to meet you.
I'll wave.
Actually,
are there any booths free?
Yeah, that's fine,
if you prefer.
Booths. Posh!
Cheers!
So, you've told her.
Well, she's my friend.
- I've got friends.
- She's like my best friend.
I haven't told anyone.
I don't remember
signing a contract.
Besides, you were
having an affair. I wasn't.
Thanks for reminding me. I'd love to hear what
you told her, since you can't explain it to me.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Do you want us to go?
- No!
- Of course not!
It's just Dad. He got this tax bill,
but it was wrong, it was a mistake.
But it was £5,000. I sorted
it out. He hasn't got to pay it,
but he was all upset,
so I promised him a meal.
- It's all right, honestly.
- Anyway,
I won't interrupt. We should do this
again, you know, go out for a drink.
Not my dad, obviously!
Right, well,
that's enough of me.
He said you were beautiful.
The steak looks nice.
I just saw it go by.
She's nice.
She's fab.
I did not say "beautiful".
I AM beautiful.
OK.
She's just his friend, you know, cos
he loves having his girls around him.
There's a draught.
- Do you want to move?
- No, I said there's a draught.
If I want to move,
I'll say I want to move.
I didn't say that.
I said there's a draught. Do
you want me to explain it again?
Sorry.
Look who I found.
I was er...
I brought this back. Her car's not
outside, so I thought it was safe.
I was going to call round.
I didn't know what to do.
Sit down. She's mad, that girl.
I said it to her face.
I went round there today,
thinking she'd take
one look and er...
- fall into my arms and all that bollocks.
- Did she mention anyone else?
No.
"TREVOR".
We're bearing the brunt.
When Dean stays over,
he's shoved in the boxroom.
Six foot three by three
foot nine, and is she sorry?
It'll be the crack of doom
before she apologises.
- Is there someone else?
- How would I know?
Is there?
Well, is there?
Carol, my love, the sooner your daughter
gets over this little fit, the better.
I am not remotely
happy living like this.
Did she ever mention a Bob?
Who's Bob?
There's a Bob,
and there's a restaurant.
And I end up with this stupid
little brother. He's at your school.
Dean. Trevor's DEAN.
- He's one of yours.
- What's his name?
Dean Gadds, year seven.
- No, I don't know him.
- You must. You can't miss him.
He looks like this.
- Is it all right?
- It's what I ordered.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm a brilliant teacher. I might as well
be sponsored by McDonald's for staff training.
Um, just a tick.
Um, don't do a runner.
Foiled again.
You're stalking me.
- How's your meal?
- I had the salad. Healthy.
I suppose this must
seem a bit odd to you.
I don't mind.
He can do what he wants.
Not with me, he can't.
It's just I've never been...
Has he done this before?
With a woman?
What does he say?
He says not.
And you don't believe him?
Good start to a relationship.
He never has, he never has.
He wouldn't lie.
You've got a good one there,
Rose.
- Bob?
- Yeah.
Classy joint.
Andy-
Right.
Would you fancy
him if you didn't know?
Him?
No. No offence, but...
No, he's a bit sort of mild.
Not my type-
I like a big, tall,
take-charge bloke.
And have you got one?
You know...
Have you?
No.
How long's it been going on,
then?
Ages back, I bet. I can see it.
- I'm right, aren't I?
- There's nothing going on.
I can make this a lot worse,
mate. Tell me how long.
We're just friends.
A friend she never mentioned?
Maybe she never mentioned
me because I'm gay. I am.
- You're gay?
- 100 per cent.
Do you want me to prove it?
That waiter, look at him.
Look at his arse. That's the
best arse in the restaurant.
Look at all the others. Go on.
Even you, as a straight man - look
at it clinically, structurally-
even you can tell
that's the best arse.
Now, I clocked it in 0.2
seconds. Could you do that?
I'm looking at a man's arse.
Shit.
Look, never mind Bob. If you ever
want a chinwag behind his back,
I got these done.
- Get you! Smart.
- They're £5 at the post office. It's like I'm real.
Yeah, give us a call any time.
I'm always in.
The things I could tell you.
I've made a right
twat of myself.
- It's all right. I told him.
- I'm sorry.
It only began a few days back.
It's nothing to do with us.
I told him I'm gay.
Yes. Bob.
Gay Bob.
"BOB". Here you go.
How did you know I was here?
I don't know. I was...
I just got lucky,
I saw your car.
What started?
What did?
"It started a couple
of days back."
- I don't know.
- Shoulder to cry on.
"Started".
Are you sleeping with her?
I'm really gay. Completely.
Have you slept with him?
No.
You liar.
All right, let's go. There's a
pub down the road, so we can...
- Are you fed up with me?
- Excuse me,
could we...?
The pub's right down there. It's
nice and quiet, so we can...
- Do you want me to go?
- Yeah, you can go!
Just stop that right now!
We didn't do it on purpose. We just
met, and I thought he was gay, so...
- I am gay.
- Yeah, but...
And Bob didn't know,
really he didn't,
- so when it turns out that he's bisexual, it just...
- I'm not bisexual.
Bob, I was there.
I'm not.
OK, whatever. It was an accident,
and if I'd stopped to think about you...
I'm really not bisexual.
You're an obstinate bastard.
Can't you just leave it?
Well, I'm not.
We've had sex five times. We
came out tonight for sex again.
- I don't need this.
- I'm still gay.
- I'm absolutely gay.
- He is, he's gay.
Who the hell are you?
- I'm with Bob.
- She's my friend.
- Does it mean you're sleeping with her?
- No.
- It doesn't matter what he is.
- Yes, it does. I swear to you,
I was born gay, I'm gay now,
I'll die gay,
and I'll have a gay gravestone.
- So, what am I? A passing hole?
- That's disgusting.
Have you heard them?
- You slept with her?
- Yes.
- But he didn't mean it.
- Yes, I did.
- And you're gay?
- Yes.
- Then how did you sleep with her?
- I don't know!
- It's something about her.
- Don't tell me that!
There's a thousand men down your end of
town, and you have to go and pick her!
Do you think it doesn't
count because he's a poof?
You bastard! You bastard,
I could swing for you!
Go on, then.
- If that's how it happens, do it.
- I've got the car.
Come on, hit me. I deserve it.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Cos you're... gay.
- You can't hit me cos I'm gay?
- No!
You poof!
Of course you can hit me.
Newsflash -
straight men can't hit gay men.
First time in history.
Can't you just leave it?
- Why?
- I'll hit you in a minute.
- Get off your soapbox!
- You'd like that.
Down your end of town.
Down the straight end.
- Don't have a go at me for being straight.
- Aren't you?
I've always been. You're the
one that's buggering about!
There you go. I knew she'd
bring it down to buggery.
- Christ, there's a gob on you!
- Go on, then, hit me.
Come on, do it. Punch me.
That's a slap.
I'm going home.
- How gay is that?
- Are we off'?
In a minute.
All right, come on.
I'll take him home. You just...
go and be gay.
I met him.
Complete strangers.
I ended up back at his.
I thought it was safe.
We sat in his kitchen.
It got late,
- we got drunk.
- I don't want to know.
There were all sorts of things wrong with
you and me. I should've said something.
I don't want to know.
I'll see you around.
Bollocks to the lot of them!
They're just up their arses,
and not in a good way.
What have you
got in the morning?
11B, double lesson.
Bollocks! What are they
going to do? Sack us?
- Can I stay the night?
- You're not going anywhere.
Cheers.
Bollocks!
Don't mind me.
I saw Andy tonight,
and if you think there's any chance of us
getting back together, you can forget it.
You're stuck with me.
So be it, then.
Not the best of starts, is it?
I could've made it better.
Clean slate?
So long as your mother's happy. She's priority
number one. We've got to think of her.
And I suppose there's a
bonus in having you around.
I can see what a pretty
young thing she once was.
He was a knob.
Sanjay, his name was.
He wanted me to wear a nappy.
He was from Streatham...
Clapham...
Hackney?
You're so mad. I can't believe
you've never been to London.
I've never needed to.
I'll take you for your birthday.
- You're always saying that.
- I will.
What a night.
I am not bisexual!
Rose who?
I've never heard of her.
You never know,
maybe you've turned.
She could be the first
in a long line of women.
You arch seducer.
That's me.
Maybe I'm not safe. Maybe you've
lured me here to have your wicked way.
I'm going to jump
on you in a minute.
Try it, I'll punch your face in!
Mind you, I'm so drunk
I wouldn't even notice.
That'd be funny, though.
You and me.
Night, then.
Night.
Look, there now,
I've filled it in.
Joint account, me and Trevor.
Practically married.
- "TREVOR". À bientôt, ladies.
- Bye.
Are you sure that's wise?
I've learnt my lesson. I'm not
going to spend all his money.
Suppose he spends yours?
- Imagine!
- Imagine. See you.
Hey, Trevor said you saw Andy.
What happened?
- Sure you've got everything? Homework?
- Yeah.
Good.
Trev?
Trev, I've got to go to head office.
I'll take Dean. It's on the way.
Are you sure?
Well, it saves you time.
Clean slate...
I suppose it's
all right for you.
Pocket money off your mum,
Dad paying alimony.
You must get spoilt rotten.
Does he buy you stuff, your dad?
Only he was saying the other
day that he'd lost some money,
run up some debts or something.
What's that about?
He did say, but the telly
was on. Has he said?
He doesn't tell me.
Has your mum said, or...?
He were printing.
That's it, yeah.
What sort of printing?
He printed stuff,
and it didn't work.
What, like a book,
or a magazine?
Off the Internet.
Would that be like...
...photographs?
Do I have to buy you
Christmas presents and things?
No, no, no, no, no,
you save your pennies.
Funny old business, printing.
Does he still owe money now,
your dad?
Poor old Trev.
Met one of your teachers
the other day. What was it?
Um, Mr Gossage.
Do you know him?
- Yeah.
- What's he like?
He's a bit of a poof.
- How's that, then?
- He goes out with Miss Vance.
She does physics.
See you.
Dean?
- Do you want a lift home tonight?
- I'm going to Mum's.
Is that Dean Gadds?
Yeah. What about him?
"WOMAN". Holly,
have you got those directives?
Here she is, girls - Rose
Cooper, spinster of this parish.
- Back where I belong.
- Andy was such a nice man.
Tony's gone.
Binned him, chucked him, kaput.
Aw!
I saw Simon today.
Aw!
Aye? Where have you been?
I've travelled far,
to a strange and foreign land,
but now I return to my people
in their hour of need.
And what do they need?
Cock. Mine.
I said, "Why?"
He said, "I don't know."
I said, 'Well, I don'I know, YOU
tell ME.' He said he were drunk.
I said, "Well, I get drunk.
I don't do that."
- And all the time, he's holding this vase.
- Bastard!
So I said, "I'm going." I said,
"I'm going." He said, "Don't go."
I said, "I am", and I went.
I said, "I'm never
speaking to you again."
I've been phoning all week,
and he don't pick up.
Cardiff!
I'm sorry, mate. No jeans
and trainers. Read the sign.
They're not jeans,
they're moleskin.
- You've got trainers as well, haven't you?
- That guy there's got trainers on.
Evening, lads. Looking gorgeous.
It's the man with wood
panelling! Remember him?
The bloke I snogged at Easter.
What's his name?
Ricky.
What if Simon's in?
I'll die. I'll die if I see him.
- Has it changed?
- Has it bollocks!
Check it out, over there.
Rugby team.
Just what we need.
Far from home, and lowering
their standards with every pint.
There's a man in a rabbit suit!
Aw!
He's nice.
- See you later.
- See you.
I've seen you in WHSmith's.
I flew in this morning.
I'm from Holland.
Prove it.
Speak a bit of Holland, then.
No. I'm here to assimilate.
I'm a guest in your country.
"MAN".
It's just off Quay Street.
I'm head of accounts. I've got a
team of 15 covering the Northwest.
We're building inroads into
Birmingham at the moment.
We've established a platform,
and the plan is: nationwide by 2007.
That's pending a
decision on the euro.
Yeah, well, I could say
I was a doctor. Who's to know?
I am! Look, I'll prove it.
Have a look.
It's on my credit card. See?
Look - doctor. I'm a doctor.
Are we supposed to be impressed?
I'm 5'7 ", 32" waist,
6½ inches, uncut.
I can do dom, but I won't do sub. If
it's plain vanilla, 80 per cent top,
20 per cent bottom.
Always up for a bit of mutual.
How about you?
I'm a Capricorn.
I hate him, Des. I really do!
It's not fair.
I hate him!
I love him, Kimberley!
I love him!
She's just been telling
me about this top...
Like that.
Bad shirt.
So many bad shirts.
Urgh, black pleated trousers!
No chance.
He's not bad.
Nice.
Bad haircut.
What's he go and do that for?
Nice arse.
Blimey!
Fantastic arse.
Bloody hell - packet!
I bet 1,000 quid he's married,
and all of his mates know.
They go round to his, and have a curry
with his wife, and don't say a word.
How stupid is she?
What the hell does she
think he's doing tonight?
Way out of my league. I'll never
sleep with a man like that.
There you go.
I don't even exist.
Fair enough. That's the rules.
Don't look at him.
Not even allowed to look.
And I'm out of YOUR league,
buster.
Don't you look.
A bit overweight.
Still, Andy was overweight.
Didn't bother me.
Chinos, preppy shirt. Nice.
Andy used to wear that.
He's having a laugh.
I like that.
Andy was always having a laugh.
My God!
They're all Andy.
He's all of them! I chucked him,
and he's all there is.
Spinster!
Stop looking!
Is this your first time out,
or what?
I'm too good for you.
You're breaking the rules.
Stop bloody looking.
You bastard.
Look at me one more time,
and I'm going...
There are no rules.
They scrapped the rules,
and no-one told me.
So, we're going to
give it a go properly?
Boyfriend and girlfriend.
Girlfriend! You can't say
"girlfriend" without being camp.
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Lovers, then.
Whatever.
I mean it, though, cos there's
no point if you're going to...
I'm gay,
and I want to be with you.
I'm not going out with you just
because you're fed up with them.
Same for you.
I do mean properly, though.
Not in secret.
Like you and me, and my friends,
and your friends.
You've met Holly.
You'll like her.
And you can meet my lot.
And...
all of them -
parents and things.
I can meet your mother.
I can meet yours.
I think we should
stop talking now.