Bob & Rose (2001–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Taxi's here!
Wrong shoes!
Hello.
At last.
You look nice.
So do you.
Do you want to eat?
I haven't booked anywhere.
I passed it on the way down.
The Rembrandt.
My first gay pub-
I was 19.
Christmas holiday,
came home from college.
Told my mum I was going to a party
and snuck off down here. Terrified.
Did you get lucky?
Ronnie Calvert.
First man I ever kissed.
Never seen him since.
Hiya.
He had a flat in Hulme...
with stairs.
I'd never seen
a flat with stairs.
You didn't have your first
proper kiss till you were 19?
- No.
- Blimey!
Well, you can't, can you?
Does it show?
No. You're a nice kisser.
Thanks. You too.
I was 11, my first kiss.
I'm way ahead.
I'm slowing down these days. It's
like Logan's Run, this place.
Death sentence at 30.
Don't they have bars...
for the "older man"?
Yeah,
but they're full of old men.
So, what do you do, then?
Come down here, look a bit sad.
Or...
find something else,
try something different.
Not...
No.
Grab that. Brilliant.
Keep me a seat.
What do you want?
Vodka tonic.
TREVOR. Your beloved returns.
I was just tidying.
I've been here before.
My friend Lucy's hen night.
Everyone stared at her because
she was dressed as an egg.
Hens, eggs...
It made sense at the time.
She's wearing this big costume,
she can hardly move...
Guess what happened.
Have a guess what happened.
I had him!
T'man with t'sideburns.
- Gino, this is Rose.
- Hiya, you all right?
Three years, he's never
looked at me once, the bastard.
Last Friday night, Babylon, two
in the morning and there he is...
Only he's all upset cos it's a
year to t'day since his dad died.
Vulnerable.
Vulnerable? Bang, shag.
I had him and he was pathetic.
- Even better!
- Yeah, victory.
- Salute me.
- Seeing him again?
Why? Why?
- Why?
- Why? I'll see you in a bit.
It's from The Simpsons.
Itchy & Scratchy
and the cat goes, "Why?"
I've never watched it.
Gino, that's Italian, isn't it?
He doesn't look it.
It's short for ginormous.
And is he?
You wouldn't think to
look at him, but yeah.
Do you know that for a fact?
It was a hell of a party.
So, your friend's
dressed as an egg...
No, no, no. I've lost it now.
It needs telling properly.
And it was my best story.
Bob, how are your windows?
I managed to stop the
water coming through,
but they won't last another
winter. Will you have a look?
I'll come round in the week. I'll
phone you. Tuesday, Wednesday.
That's Alex.
You know 'em all.
That's what gets me
about lesbians, they're mad.
They look like men, but they fancy
women. What's that all about?
Maybe that's what women look like
if they don't have to bother.
No make-up,
no cleavage,
hair done in ten seconds flat.
Not me. I bothered.
Because...
It is a date.
It was, wasn't it?
Dunno.
You kissed me.
I'd been drinking.
Thanks for that!
Thank you. Thanks.
You've got a boyfriend.
You've...
I can't believe you've never
watched The Simpsons.
Look, it was great that night.
It was fab.
It's not as if sex is
ever going to happen.
You'd never be unfaithful
and I couldn't do it. Couldn't.
Even if I tried.
I don't want to.
Why did you ask me out?
I wanted to. I don't know.
You got a hard-on.
I get those on a bus.
I don't go shagging buses.
So I'm a bus.
You can meet Andy.
You'll like him.
He works with a bloke
in the gay rugby team,
so he's very au fait.
You can meet my lot. My friend
Holly, you'll love her.
We'll go out next week, then.
Cooper.
That's me. Withington, please.
Thank you.
- Can I give you a call?
- OK. See you, then.
See you.
Are you going home?
No, I'll go for a drink.
You tart!
Gin and tonic, please.
That's my shirt.
Looks better on me.
How've you been?
Fantastic.
What happened to London?
Did you get sacked?
End of contract. My choice.
- You got sacked.
- Do you want ice in that?
Yeah, and a pint of Stella.
Thanks.
Aw, you remembered.
I'm so sweet.
Chips.
Sound the alarm,
mad woman on the premises.
I had chips half an hour back.
How were the girls?
Sue got drunk,
Janet started crying.
Anita had a go at her.
Marina started singing
and then Janet threw up.
A normal night out, then.
This is nice.
You don't deserve me.
I deserve Isabella Rossellini.
And her sister.
Don't go looking for porn.
We've had a memo.
How's your mum?
Same as ever. Busy.
How's yours?
She's stilt with that man.
They're getting on fine.
She was asking after you.
Saw you in Poptastic
a couple of months ago
with a tall bloke
with black hair.
Was that Stephen?
Did you shag him
when you were with me?
I knew it.
The way you used
to say his name.
Stee-phen.
Bumped into Stee-phen.
Went for a drink with Stee-phen.
Did I?
- Then there was Pee-fer...
- All right.
Why did you put up with it,
then?
I didn't, I got rid of you.
It's your fault.
I only lied cos of you.
That's what you wanted.
Plenty of couples shag
around and stay together.
Well, not me.
What about you, then?
Anyone special?
Bloody hell!
- I'm working nights.
- Open up!
It's the doorstep challenge.
Right. You and me together,
we can get it done by tonight.
We spend the morning painting
then all afternoon
for the cleaning.
Painting what?
One wall. It's all you need,
one wall. That wall.
Nice bright colour,
give the other watts a wash.
Scrub off the nicotine
and it's a palace.
What's brought this on?
I'm sick of my daughter
walking into a tip, aren't I?
And she's sick of it too.
You can do Homebase and back
in half an hour. Off you go.
It takes some thinking, Carol.
I don't know what colour.
Blue.
- There's a million blues.
- Cobalt blue.
Just before she gets here,
put some bread in the
oven and brew some coffee.
Proper coffee.
You'll have to go and buy some.
It's the smell, you see,
makes it feel like home.
She likes living at yours.
Do you want her to move in,
or not?
I've said so, haven't I?
It's up to her now.
She's going out a lot,
these days.
She's out with the girls.
She always does
when I'm on nights.
You want to watch it. They're a
danger, girls. They go hunting.
Of course, there are other
ways of getting her to move.
It wouldn't do you any harm
to go down on bended knee.
Get off!
Do you love her?
I'd open the window, Carol.
You're sniffing the fumes.
Do you even like her?
Of course I do.
Well, there's no sign of it.
I love her to bits,
if you must know.
Well, there you are, then.
No! Not Carl!
One minute you're over him,
next minute you're under him.
Don't go back to him, Bob.
Please.
I'm not! We had a good time.
I've grown up.
It's strange.
Strange times all round.
Right. Don't pick up
the papers until I say!
All sorts of things happened.
I ended up snogging
a woman at one point.
What do you mean?
Nice. All soft.
- Who was it?
- A-ha.
Who?
A-ha.
Miss, have we got a test?
Miss!
Ta-da!
Ta-da!
Adjective?
Any adjective?
Is this my mother?
She came round, yeah. But...
I was thinking of
doing it anyway.
What do you think?
It's lovely.
Spare room.
Shoved it all down the tip.
Only took a couple of hours.
We could use it for anything.
Bedroom, office...
Nursery.
It is...
It's lovely.
Where are the magazines?
Binned them.
I was still reading them.
She was only thinking of you.
Was she buggery! She wants me
out so she can move Trevor in.
But it's still a good idea,
though, innit?
I mean...
we'd have a laugh.
And we'd save money.
If I'm working nights, you can have the
place to yourself. We could make that
your bedroom. We don't
have to be on top of each other.
Wa-hey!
And I'd like it.
I'd erm...
Look, never mind your mother.
I know we've talked about it,
but, like, properly... Rose.
Would you do me the honour
of moving in?
Don't laugh.
I don't know. I...
It could work...
I'll have to think about it.
That means no.
- It doesn't.
- I'm not that stupid. OK.
Now we know.
I'm doing my tax return,
so keep the telly down?
Happy day!
What's that for?
Happy couple.
Hasn't she said?
Fantastic!
Isn't this fantastic?
How fantastic is this?
Bloody fantastic!
Your mobile was off
and then Alison came round
- and she...
- I'll have a drink, Trev, thanks.
Top of the range.
Got it off the telly.
That's 28-day delivery.
It's all so...
planned.
Congratulations!
Did you ask her, Trev,
or did she ask you?
No, she asked me, actually.
Did she? Good Lord!
Here's to it... all of us-Cos
there's plenty of room.
We'll be happy together, because
I've got no intention of moving out.
And now you've given me
the perfect reason to stay...
Family!
To Carol and Trevor.
Carol and Trevor.
Carol and Trevor...
and me.
Carol and Trevor and Rose.
Heck. I was sort of
hoping you wouldn't be in.
Do you want to go to London?
Don't think about it, just go.
Treat ourselves,
a Weekend First.
Hey, we could go on the London
Eye. I've been dying to do that.
You need to book in advance.
Anything, then. It doesn't
have to be London. I don't mind.
What about Andy?
Tough. I'm cross with him.
Have you got plans or something?
Let's go to Blackpool.
This is Holly.
But it's not. It's a
machine-Leave a message-Bye!
Hiya!
Listen, I won't pop round later.
I've got to go and do... stuff.
Sorry. I'll see you on Monday.
I'll see you in school.
Do I still owe you money for the cinema?
Cos I'll pay you back. Remind me.
Are we off, then? Sorry!
That's just Rose. She's erm...
Anyway...
I'd better go. See you.
I'm here!
Don't now. Leave it.
We're escaping.
Run for the hills.
Hi, this is Bob.
I'm not in, so leave a message.
I'm here. I was listening. You're
still there, you just phoned.
You must be there. It was
2.1 seconds ago. Pick up, Bob.
Bob! I know you're there.
Well, call me later, then.
I'll be here all day.
Just little me.
I'll pay you back. Remind me.
Are we off, then? Sorry!
- Remind me.
- Are we off, then? Sorry!
- Remind me.
- Are we off, then? Sorry!
That's just Rose. She's erm...
How do you know I'd
never be unfaithful?
Was I right?
Would you?
Have you ever done it?
When I was younger.
It wasn't really unfaithful.
More like frantic.
I haven't got the
energy these days.
Some people do it
and they don't give a toss.
It's all... great big affairs
and they storm about.
Heartbreak and battles
and fighting in the street.
Everyone's doing it.
Even vicars. I'd love it.
Yeah.
My friend Anita,
she was in this pub
and she was having an argument with this
bloke and she chucked a drink in his face.
She really did it. And she meant
it. She was screaming and ranting.
I was that jealous.
- It's like they've lived.
- Yeah. I wonder what stories
they'll tell about me.
She ran away to Blackpool.
For the day. Pathetic.
Carl, my ex-boyfriend...
...he used to say I
was born middle-aged.
I wish Andy had a bit more life.
Then he could go off and have
an affair, and I could find out,
and we'd have a big row
and I could chuck him.
You could chuck him anyway.
You'll find someone.
What's wrong with Andy, then?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. He's...
so nice.
It's just... nice.
I look at him sometimes when
he's watching telly and erm...
I pick him to pieces.
I think up this list of things
about him that piss me off.
And it's still not enough.
I was...
What?
Sometimes,
Andy's coming over for his tea,
and I think,
if I got a phone call now
and he'd crashed and was dead,
it would all be so simple.
There now.
I've thought that.
Coffee?
Erm.. Yeah. Have you gm money'?
I've got money.
Yes, sir?
Er...
She can...
Two teas, please.
Funny thing is... sex in the
toilet. I'm practically a gay man.
Sorry. I'm really sorry.
If you just want
to go back home,
that's fine.
I'd completely understand.
That was just...
mad.
You've got all that stuff with Andy
and your mum. You're vulnerable...
I'm OK.
I don't know how it happened.
Nor me.
Still...
once in a lifetime, I suppose.
Yeah.
I tell you what, I'll erm...
get off at the next station
and head back home.
What do you think?
I don't know.
I think it's best.
What are you going to
do about Andy and things?
I'll sort it out. I won't tell
him. You're quite safe.
That's the sort of bed you need.
King-size, not a double. Buy a
king-size bed, then I'll move in.
You're moving in?
Yeah.
Bugger that,
Ho!
Sorry, but no. You're not moving
in just to escape your mother!
- I'm not!
- Cos I must be getting addled or something,
but I love you,
you daft bloody woman!
I happen to think
you're brilliant.
No,
do you know what the word is?
Tremendous.
I think you're tremendous.
God knows why.
You're a pain in the arse!
And you've twice the lip of
any other woman on earth and...
I like it.
I love it. All right?
And that's the only
terms you can move in on.
Complete, stupid love.
Do you feel any of that for me?
Well, that's more like it.
Do you?
Yes!
Done.
We can get a new fridge,
an' all.
So... go on, then. Who's Rose?
She's the woman I had
sex with on Saturday.
- Miss, what's so funny?
- None of your business.
Whooo!
So who is she? What does she do?
Where's she from?
She lives in Withington.
Job?
She works at Westcott's,
off the Oldham Road.
They do windscreens, exhausts...
What, she's a mechanic?
She works in the office.
High-flyer.
But it happened.
It was like The Exorcist.
One minute I'm Linda Blair,
the next, possessed.
Sex. There it was - a hard-on.
I don't need the details.
But... I do.
I need the details. How?
It's just her. I've never even
thought about women before.
Not once, not ever.
I've never even had a sneaky
wank and thought about it.
That's too many details, thanks.
I haven't!
Maybe you've been in denial.
Holly, I was there.
I was ten years old,
fancying men off the telly.
At 13, I was thinking about
boys and men and sex.
At 17, I was so in
love with Peter Stone.
Borrowed two quid off me once. It was
the best thing that ever happened.
I couldn't say a word.
I've done denial.
That was Peter Stone.
What would you do now
if you saw Peter Stone
walking down the street?
Jump him.
What if it were
Peter Stone or Rose?
Peter Stone, any day.
Well, there you go. That's it.
Same old Bob.
It's not as if you're going
to see this Rose again, is it?
I don't know.
I mean, what for?
Yeah.
Look at the chapter.
Investigating Factors Which Affect
The Movement Of A Block Up A Slope.
Pages 41, 42.
The diagram explains
how the formula works
with a 100cm runway
and a 500g block of wood.
If F1 is the force
applied to the block,
F2 is the frictional force,
H is the height of the block.
I'm a teacher. I'm on my lunch break.
I've got to get back. It's an emergency.
We don't do windscreens, love.
Try Johnson's.
Chapel Street.
They'll sort you out.
I'm not allowed to drive without a
windscreen. It's against the law.
- You drove here.
- That's pushing my luck. I'll have to phone.
They'll have to pick me up.
Have you got a phone?
Over there.
There's Spain or Greece. Julie
says Greece. But I don't know.
What do they eat in Greece?
Greek salad.
In Spain it's tapas.
I like tapas.
My car's outside.
The windscreen's gone.
Can I use your phone?
There's a payphone.
You passed it.
Have you got the
number for Johnson's?
By the phone.
You get tapas in Spain but it's
not like you get on Deansgate.
It's more like stew.
Where does Richardson go?
- Pending. There's a court case.
- If it goes through, we lose our jobs.
£300 quid,
if you book last minute, all in.
Plus the expense of hiring a car.
Cos they all drive over there.
- There aren't any buses.
- I'm happy on the beach.
Have you got any change?
We're not allowed to give out
change. Try the newsagents.
Thanks. It's Holly, by the way.
Is it?
Clockwork Haulage.
That's dead file. What did
Clive say about his payslip?
He wasn't happy.
He can turn up on time, then!
If he moans, send him to me.
- What about Italy?
- Never been.
- Nice men.
- Who's changed the rota for Saturday?
Rose, is that you?
That's the big day.
I'm taking it off. Moving day.
May God have mercy on my soul!
I'm getting you a
pipe and slippers.
You might as well.
I looked at my stuff.
I'm going to chuck half of it.
The amount of rubbish
I've gathered, do me good.
That's the VAT.
Thanks.
The weight training's
paying off, isn't it?
It's like marble.
He's bursting out
of them overalls.
- That's sexual harassment, that is!
- I wish!
Now, follow me closely.
The devil's in the detail.
Condom,
lubricant,
diagram of condom
applied to penis.
Dos and don'ts of safe sex.
Standard order,
in the envelope, front to back.
Dos and don'ts, diagram,
lubricant, condom.
But I maintain
condom, lubricant, diagram,
dos and don'ts.
Or even condom, lubricant,
dos and don'ts, diagram.
It's something of a departure,
don't you think?
- Don't know.
- Well, think about it.
Condom at the front. Most important
item at the front. Makes sense, surely.
Well, thing is, Mum,
when you open it,
your fingers sort
of go to the back.
Condom at the back.
Yeah.
That's what they said.
Well, go on.
You'd better go and tell them.
I was only trying to help.
If you'll pardon the expression,
ladies, it's condom at the back.
No!
I must have done them all wrong.
It doesn't really matter.
Don't quote me.
I suppose they're laughing now.
- No, they're not.
- If I can give them a punch line, it's a service.
I'm talking to the
council on Thursday
about the Youth Group.
I thought the blue suit.
It's a bit Tory. But then again,
it's who you're trying to reach.
- Robert.
- Hiya.
- Shoes.
- I'll hoover.
So, was there
anything in particular?
How do you mean?
We don't usually
see you weekdays.
No, I was just off on a
bit of a wander, that's all.
Ladies, ladies...
Condoms galore!
Don't tempt me.
Down, boy!
The temptation, the temptation.
- Thank you, William.
- I'll be upstairs.
Knock twice and ask
for Casanova.
You've got the date, the 25th.
You are coming?
It's a Sunday.
I've got marking, stacks of it.
But it's the Section 28 rally.
I'm giving a speech.
There'll be hundreds there.
You don't need me.
But it's for you.
It's about you.
- Mum, I'm not a marcher.
- I don't know, Robert.
Sometimes I despair of you.
Mexico City last week banned homosexuals
and dogs from public swimming pools.
A politician in Swaziland has
defined gay men as 'bad potatoes',
and Eminem still hasn't
replied to any of my letters.
But you... So long as you've got
your pubs and clubs, you do nothing.
There ought to be a
word for men like you.
Semi-gay, faux-gay. Gayesque.
I'm telling you, he had no bum.
He was bumless.
He can't have had no bum.
My hand's there,
slowly going down his back,
and to t'top of his thigh,
nowt in between. Straight line.
- Everyone's got a bum.
- What about in the middle?
Smooth indentation,
but no divide.
Like Action Man.
I never got to look. I were too busy
round t'front. That were working fine.
There you are. Don't phone me!
Hiya.
Hiya. Then he walks away. I swear the
back of his jeans were just flapping.
There wasn't a hint of buttock.
Look at you, you're back.
Look at you. Your front.
Yeah, well, isn't it?
Have you heard? Has he told you?
Bob's not a virgin any more.
He slept with a woman.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I thought you'd tell them.
- God.
- A real woman? Why did you do that?
- Why?
- Why?
Why? Why, though?
Now I can go to my grave
saying I've tried everything.
Except bullfighting,
but the night is young.
- Her name's Rose.
- Were you drunk, or what?
Pissed out my head.
Good for you. Nice one.
Penetrative sex?
- A little bit.
- What was that like?
Well, interesting.
It's all sort of wrong.
It's unnatural.
There's things missing where things should
be, and things where things should be missing.
- You actually managed it?
- Shut my eyes,
thought of Kavana.
- Is this going to be regular?
- As if. Hello?!
He went mad. Sorry.
Is that Kavanagh QC?
A mate of mine's got this thing
about John Thaw. Obsessed.
He sits and watches
Morse with the Kleenex.
He's got t'theme
tune on his mobile.
He'd phone himself up
while he were having sex.
We're like the overlap
of a Venn diagram.
One circle moving in,
one circle moving out.
- And there we are.
- Middle section.
Bedroom's empty, Dean. All
yours. Window doesn't open, Trev.
I'd get it fixed.
They're toxic, teenage boys.
Gutter needs fixing.
Have you got a garden?
Out the back, yeah.
Rather decent.
Rose, this is Eric.
He's laughing, in?
He? Free house,
free fittings.
A good little woman inside.
That Eric. Straight-to-the-point
Eric. Nice to meet you.
Do you want a bit?
No, thanks. I can manage.
Got much stuff?
- Bloody loads of it.
- I hope he's paying you.
Him, payment? He couldn't
afford it, even if he wanted to.
- That's the alimony.
- And the rest.
What's the rest?
His fault, mind. Still,
- we can? All be millionaires.
- His fault what?
"CAROL". Ashtrays. You might
as welt have them, sweetheart.
Trevor doesn't like
and it's a new start.
Right. Well, that's me done.
I'm off.
Good luck.
- And you.
- Safe journey.
Right, well,
I can't hang around.
Vamoose!
- Give your sister a kiss.
- Get off!
And you're welcome any time.
Within reason. Telephone first.
For what it's worth,
I think the pair of you
are really well suited.
Come round on Sunday.
You and Andy?
And have a proper dinner.
Take caret!
Phone me when you get there.
Give my love to Andy!
Bye!
Bollocks!
Er...
- I'll come down.
- Too right. I'm not shifting it on my own.
Just give us a minute.
Hey...
I'll carry you over
the threshold.
That's right.
Back her up the drive.
I tell you what,
if we get somewhere bigger,
let's make it ground floor.
Um...
It's me.
He'll be round at
my mother's now.
She'll be putting the knife in.
It's only fair on him.
He could have someone proper.
I'm wasting his time.
He's the nicest
man in the world.
Where am I going to go?
I can? Go home.
I'm all in boxes.
I've got nowhere.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
The thing is,
I know We got that spare room,
but I sort of like it.
I'm just getting
the house sorted.
I like being on my own.
"I know that's selfish, but"!
Like it.
Why would I want
your spare room?
I don't know. It's just
it's there, it's empty...
Who said I'm moving in with you?
You said you've nowhere to go.
I'll go home, of course.
Where else would I go?
You said you couldn't.
Of course I did. That's
the sort of thing you say.
I don't know. You phoned me.
What else do you want?
That's...
That's...
Right.
Come on.
- What are you having?
- Vodka tonic.
Er, vodka tonic
and orange juice, thanks.
- Ice?
- Er, yeah, thanks.
Right.
Anyway, sorry.
So, let's start again.
You can go back home, and it
will be all right. It'll be fine.
It's a bit of a squeeze,
but it's OK. And er...
Maybe you could keep
on seeing him - Andy.
Do you think you could? Without
the move, without the pressure,
it might be all right,
do you think?
And if not, then, off you go.
You'll find someone. There's plenty of
blokes. You'll be fighting them off.
£3.20, thanks.
This time next year,
you'll be laughing.
I did not leave him for you.
It works.
Keep the change.
You bastard.
- I'm gay.
- You gay bastard.
All right, I got it wrong.
I've said sorry.
I just sort of...
We just did one stupid thing.
That's nice. I'm a stupid thing.
That's charming.
Give it a rest.
You know what I mean.
Stop following me!
Yes, we did it. Yes,
it was stupid. Yes, it's over.
I'm going to go off on
my own and sort my life out.
If I ever need you again, it'll
only be for picking out fabrics.
I knew it. First sign of
trouble, out come the poof jokes.
Stay!
All right, we did it.
I know we did it.
I don't know how, but we did.
And I'm all over the place
cos I've never done it,
and I've never wanted to do it.
I just went a bit mental. Cos...
The thing is...
The thing is,
I want to do it again.
Bollocks.
Yeah.
Wrong shoes!
Hello.
At last.
You look nice.
So do you.
Do you want to eat?
I haven't booked anywhere.
I passed it on the way down.
The Rembrandt.
My first gay pub-
I was 19.
Christmas holiday,
came home from college.
Told my mum I was going to a party
and snuck off down here. Terrified.
Did you get lucky?
Ronnie Calvert.
First man I ever kissed.
Never seen him since.
Hiya.
He had a flat in Hulme...
with stairs.
I'd never seen
a flat with stairs.
You didn't have your first
proper kiss till you were 19?
- No.
- Blimey!
Well, you can't, can you?
Does it show?
No. You're a nice kisser.
Thanks. You too.
I was 11, my first kiss.
I'm way ahead.
I'm slowing down these days. It's
like Logan's Run, this place.
Death sentence at 30.
Don't they have bars...
for the "older man"?
Yeah,
but they're full of old men.
So, what do you do, then?
Come down here, look a bit sad.
Or...
find something else,
try something different.
Not...
No.
Grab that. Brilliant.
Keep me a seat.
What do you want?
Vodka tonic.
TREVOR. Your beloved returns.
I was just tidying.
I've been here before.
My friend Lucy's hen night.
Everyone stared at her because
she was dressed as an egg.
Hens, eggs...
It made sense at the time.
She's wearing this big costume,
she can hardly move...
Guess what happened.
Have a guess what happened.
I had him!
T'man with t'sideburns.
- Gino, this is Rose.
- Hiya, you all right?
Three years, he's never
looked at me once, the bastard.
Last Friday night, Babylon, two
in the morning and there he is...
Only he's all upset cos it's a
year to t'day since his dad died.
Vulnerable.
Vulnerable? Bang, shag.
I had him and he was pathetic.
- Even better!
- Yeah, victory.
- Salute me.
- Seeing him again?
Why? Why?
- Why?
- Why? I'll see you in a bit.
It's from The Simpsons.
Itchy & Scratchy
and the cat goes, "Why?"
I've never watched it.
Gino, that's Italian, isn't it?
He doesn't look it.
It's short for ginormous.
And is he?
You wouldn't think to
look at him, but yeah.
Do you know that for a fact?
It was a hell of a party.
So, your friend's
dressed as an egg...
No, no, no. I've lost it now.
It needs telling properly.
And it was my best story.
Bob, how are your windows?
I managed to stop the
water coming through,
but they won't last another
winter. Will you have a look?
I'll come round in the week. I'll
phone you. Tuesday, Wednesday.
That's Alex.
You know 'em all.
That's what gets me
about lesbians, they're mad.
They look like men, but they fancy
women. What's that all about?
Maybe that's what women look like
if they don't have to bother.
No make-up,
no cleavage,
hair done in ten seconds flat.
Not me. I bothered.
Because...
It is a date.
It was, wasn't it?
Dunno.
You kissed me.
I'd been drinking.
Thanks for that!
Thank you. Thanks.
You've got a boyfriend.
You've...
I can't believe you've never
watched The Simpsons.
Look, it was great that night.
It was fab.
It's not as if sex is
ever going to happen.
You'd never be unfaithful
and I couldn't do it. Couldn't.
Even if I tried.
I don't want to.
Why did you ask me out?
I wanted to. I don't know.
You got a hard-on.
I get those on a bus.
I don't go shagging buses.
So I'm a bus.
You can meet Andy.
You'll like him.
He works with a bloke
in the gay rugby team,
so he's very au fait.
You can meet my lot. My friend
Holly, you'll love her.
We'll go out next week, then.
Cooper.
That's me. Withington, please.
Thank you.
- Can I give you a call?
- OK. See you, then.
See you.
Are you going home?
No, I'll go for a drink.
You tart!
Gin and tonic, please.
That's my shirt.
Looks better on me.
How've you been?
Fantastic.
What happened to London?
Did you get sacked?
End of contract. My choice.
- You got sacked.
- Do you want ice in that?
Yeah, and a pint of Stella.
Thanks.
Aw, you remembered.
I'm so sweet.
Chips.
Sound the alarm,
mad woman on the premises.
I had chips half an hour back.
How were the girls?
Sue got drunk,
Janet started crying.
Anita had a go at her.
Marina started singing
and then Janet threw up.
A normal night out, then.
This is nice.
You don't deserve me.
I deserve Isabella Rossellini.
And her sister.
Don't go looking for porn.
We've had a memo.
How's your mum?
Same as ever. Busy.
How's yours?
She's stilt with that man.
They're getting on fine.
She was asking after you.
Saw you in Poptastic
a couple of months ago
with a tall bloke
with black hair.
Was that Stephen?
Did you shag him
when you were with me?
I knew it.
The way you used
to say his name.
Stee-phen.
Bumped into Stee-phen.
Went for a drink with Stee-phen.
Did I?
- Then there was Pee-fer...
- All right.
Why did you put up with it,
then?
I didn't, I got rid of you.
It's your fault.
I only lied cos of you.
That's what you wanted.
Plenty of couples shag
around and stay together.
Well, not me.
What about you, then?
Anyone special?
Bloody hell!
- I'm working nights.
- Open up!
It's the doorstep challenge.
Right. You and me together,
we can get it done by tonight.
We spend the morning painting
then all afternoon
for the cleaning.
Painting what?
One wall. It's all you need,
one wall. That wall.
Nice bright colour,
give the other watts a wash.
Scrub off the nicotine
and it's a palace.
What's brought this on?
I'm sick of my daughter
walking into a tip, aren't I?
And she's sick of it too.
You can do Homebase and back
in half an hour. Off you go.
It takes some thinking, Carol.
I don't know what colour.
Blue.
- There's a million blues.
- Cobalt blue.
Just before she gets here,
put some bread in the
oven and brew some coffee.
Proper coffee.
You'll have to go and buy some.
It's the smell, you see,
makes it feel like home.
She likes living at yours.
Do you want her to move in,
or not?
I've said so, haven't I?
It's up to her now.
She's going out a lot,
these days.
She's out with the girls.
She always does
when I'm on nights.
You want to watch it. They're a
danger, girls. They go hunting.
Of course, there are other
ways of getting her to move.
It wouldn't do you any harm
to go down on bended knee.
Get off!
Do you love her?
I'd open the window, Carol.
You're sniffing the fumes.
Do you even like her?
Of course I do.
Well, there's no sign of it.
I love her to bits,
if you must know.
Well, there you are, then.
No! Not Carl!
One minute you're over him,
next minute you're under him.
Don't go back to him, Bob.
Please.
I'm not! We had a good time.
I've grown up.
It's strange.
Strange times all round.
Right. Don't pick up
the papers until I say!
All sorts of things happened.
I ended up snogging
a woman at one point.
What do you mean?
Nice. All soft.
- Who was it?
- A-ha.
Who?
A-ha.
Miss, have we got a test?
Miss!
Ta-da!
Ta-da!
Adjective?
Any adjective?
Is this my mother?
She came round, yeah. But...
I was thinking of
doing it anyway.
What do you think?
It's lovely.
Spare room.
Shoved it all down the tip.
Only took a couple of hours.
We could use it for anything.
Bedroom, office...
Nursery.
It is...
It's lovely.
Where are the magazines?
Binned them.
I was still reading them.
She was only thinking of you.
Was she buggery! She wants me
out so she can move Trevor in.
But it's still a good idea,
though, innit?
I mean...
we'd have a laugh.
And we'd save money.
If I'm working nights, you can have the
place to yourself. We could make that
your bedroom. We don't
have to be on top of each other.
Wa-hey!
And I'd like it.
I'd erm...
Look, never mind your mother.
I know we've talked about it,
but, like, properly... Rose.
Would you do me the honour
of moving in?
Don't laugh.
I don't know. I...
It could work...
I'll have to think about it.
That means no.
- It doesn't.
- I'm not that stupid. OK.
Now we know.
I'm doing my tax return,
so keep the telly down?
Happy day!
What's that for?
Happy couple.
Hasn't she said?
Fantastic!
Isn't this fantastic?
How fantastic is this?
Bloody fantastic!
Your mobile was off
and then Alison came round
- and she...
- I'll have a drink, Trev, thanks.
Top of the range.
Got it off the telly.
That's 28-day delivery.
It's all so...
planned.
Congratulations!
Did you ask her, Trev,
or did she ask you?
No, she asked me, actually.
Did she? Good Lord!
Here's to it... all of us-Cos
there's plenty of room.
We'll be happy together, because
I've got no intention of moving out.
And now you've given me
the perfect reason to stay...
Family!
To Carol and Trevor.
Carol and Trevor.
Carol and Trevor...
and me.
Carol and Trevor and Rose.
Heck. I was sort of
hoping you wouldn't be in.
Do you want to go to London?
Don't think about it, just go.
Treat ourselves,
a Weekend First.
Hey, we could go on the London
Eye. I've been dying to do that.
You need to book in advance.
Anything, then. It doesn't
have to be London. I don't mind.
What about Andy?
Tough. I'm cross with him.
Have you got plans or something?
Let's go to Blackpool.
This is Holly.
But it's not. It's a
machine-Leave a message-Bye!
Hiya!
Listen, I won't pop round later.
I've got to go and do... stuff.
Sorry. I'll see you on Monday.
I'll see you in school.
Do I still owe you money for the cinema?
Cos I'll pay you back. Remind me.
Are we off, then? Sorry!
That's just Rose. She's erm...
Anyway...
I'd better go. See you.
I'm here!
Don't now. Leave it.
We're escaping.
Run for the hills.
Hi, this is Bob.
I'm not in, so leave a message.
I'm here. I was listening. You're
still there, you just phoned.
You must be there. It was
2.1 seconds ago. Pick up, Bob.
Bob! I know you're there.
Well, call me later, then.
I'll be here all day.
Just little me.
I'll pay you back. Remind me.
Are we off, then? Sorry!
- Remind me.
- Are we off, then? Sorry!
- Remind me.
- Are we off, then? Sorry!
That's just Rose. She's erm...
How do you know I'd
never be unfaithful?
Was I right?
Would you?
Have you ever done it?
When I was younger.
It wasn't really unfaithful.
More like frantic.
I haven't got the
energy these days.
Some people do it
and they don't give a toss.
It's all... great big affairs
and they storm about.
Heartbreak and battles
and fighting in the street.
Everyone's doing it.
Even vicars. I'd love it.
Yeah.
My friend Anita,
she was in this pub
and she was having an argument with this
bloke and she chucked a drink in his face.
She really did it. And she meant
it. She was screaming and ranting.
I was that jealous.
- It's like they've lived.
- Yeah. I wonder what stories
they'll tell about me.
She ran away to Blackpool.
For the day. Pathetic.
Carl, my ex-boyfriend...
...he used to say I
was born middle-aged.
I wish Andy had a bit more life.
Then he could go off and have
an affair, and I could find out,
and we'd have a big row
and I could chuck him.
You could chuck him anyway.
You'll find someone.
What's wrong with Andy, then?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. He's...
so nice.
It's just... nice.
I look at him sometimes when
he's watching telly and erm...
I pick him to pieces.
I think up this list of things
about him that piss me off.
And it's still not enough.
I was...
What?
Sometimes,
Andy's coming over for his tea,
and I think,
if I got a phone call now
and he'd crashed and was dead,
it would all be so simple.
There now.
I've thought that.
Coffee?
Erm.. Yeah. Have you gm money'?
I've got money.
Yes, sir?
Er...
She can...
Two teas, please.
Funny thing is... sex in the
toilet. I'm practically a gay man.
Sorry. I'm really sorry.
If you just want
to go back home,
that's fine.
I'd completely understand.
That was just...
mad.
You've got all that stuff with Andy
and your mum. You're vulnerable...
I'm OK.
I don't know how it happened.
Nor me.
Still...
once in a lifetime, I suppose.
Yeah.
I tell you what, I'll erm...
get off at the next station
and head back home.
What do you think?
I don't know.
I think it's best.
What are you going to
do about Andy and things?
I'll sort it out. I won't tell
him. You're quite safe.
That's the sort of bed you need.
King-size, not a double. Buy a
king-size bed, then I'll move in.
You're moving in?
Yeah.
Bugger that,
Ho!
Sorry, but no. You're not moving
in just to escape your mother!
- I'm not!
- Cos I must be getting addled or something,
but I love you,
you daft bloody woman!
I happen to think
you're brilliant.
No,
do you know what the word is?
Tremendous.
I think you're tremendous.
God knows why.
You're a pain in the arse!
And you've twice the lip of
any other woman on earth and...
I like it.
I love it. All right?
And that's the only
terms you can move in on.
Complete, stupid love.
Do you feel any of that for me?
Well, that's more like it.
Do you?
Yes!
Done.
We can get a new fridge,
an' all.
So... go on, then. Who's Rose?
She's the woman I had
sex with on Saturday.
- Miss, what's so funny?
- None of your business.
Whooo!
So who is she? What does she do?
Where's she from?
She lives in Withington.
Job?
She works at Westcott's,
off the Oldham Road.
They do windscreens, exhausts...
What, she's a mechanic?
She works in the office.
High-flyer.
But it happened.
It was like The Exorcist.
One minute I'm Linda Blair,
the next, possessed.
Sex. There it was - a hard-on.
I don't need the details.
But... I do.
I need the details. How?
It's just her. I've never even
thought about women before.
Not once, not ever.
I've never even had a sneaky
wank and thought about it.
That's too many details, thanks.
I haven't!
Maybe you've been in denial.
Holly, I was there.
I was ten years old,
fancying men off the telly.
At 13, I was thinking about
boys and men and sex.
At 17, I was so in
love with Peter Stone.
Borrowed two quid off me once. It was
the best thing that ever happened.
I couldn't say a word.
I've done denial.
That was Peter Stone.
What would you do now
if you saw Peter Stone
walking down the street?
Jump him.
What if it were
Peter Stone or Rose?
Peter Stone, any day.
Well, there you go. That's it.
Same old Bob.
It's not as if you're going
to see this Rose again, is it?
I don't know.
I mean, what for?
Yeah.
Look at the chapter.
Investigating Factors Which Affect
The Movement Of A Block Up A Slope.
Pages 41, 42.
The diagram explains
how the formula works
with a 100cm runway
and a 500g block of wood.
If F1 is the force
applied to the block,
F2 is the frictional force,
H is the height of the block.
I'm a teacher. I'm on my lunch break.
I've got to get back. It's an emergency.
We don't do windscreens, love.
Try Johnson's.
Chapel Street.
They'll sort you out.
I'm not allowed to drive without a
windscreen. It's against the law.
- You drove here.
- That's pushing my luck. I'll have to phone.
They'll have to pick me up.
Have you got a phone?
Over there.
There's Spain or Greece. Julie
says Greece. But I don't know.
What do they eat in Greece?
Greek salad.
In Spain it's tapas.
I like tapas.
My car's outside.
The windscreen's gone.
Can I use your phone?
There's a payphone.
You passed it.
Have you got the
number for Johnson's?
By the phone.
You get tapas in Spain but it's
not like you get on Deansgate.
It's more like stew.
Where does Richardson go?
- Pending. There's a court case.
- If it goes through, we lose our jobs.
£300 quid,
if you book last minute, all in.
Plus the expense of hiring a car.
Cos they all drive over there.
- There aren't any buses.
- I'm happy on the beach.
Have you got any change?
We're not allowed to give out
change. Try the newsagents.
Thanks. It's Holly, by the way.
Is it?
Clockwork Haulage.
That's dead file. What did
Clive say about his payslip?
He wasn't happy.
He can turn up on time, then!
If he moans, send him to me.
- What about Italy?
- Never been.
- Nice men.
- Who's changed the rota for Saturday?
Rose, is that you?
That's the big day.
I'm taking it off. Moving day.
May God have mercy on my soul!
I'm getting you a
pipe and slippers.
You might as well.
I looked at my stuff.
I'm going to chuck half of it.
The amount of rubbish
I've gathered, do me good.
That's the VAT.
Thanks.
The weight training's
paying off, isn't it?
It's like marble.
He's bursting out
of them overalls.
- That's sexual harassment, that is!
- I wish!
Now, follow me closely.
The devil's in the detail.
Condom,
lubricant,
diagram of condom
applied to penis.
Dos and don'ts of safe sex.
Standard order,
in the envelope, front to back.
Dos and don'ts, diagram,
lubricant, condom.
But I maintain
condom, lubricant, diagram,
dos and don'ts.
Or even condom, lubricant,
dos and don'ts, diagram.
It's something of a departure,
don't you think?
- Don't know.
- Well, think about it.
Condom at the front. Most important
item at the front. Makes sense, surely.
Well, thing is, Mum,
when you open it,
your fingers sort
of go to the back.
Condom at the back.
Yeah.
That's what they said.
Well, go on.
You'd better go and tell them.
I was only trying to help.
If you'll pardon the expression,
ladies, it's condom at the back.
No!
I must have done them all wrong.
It doesn't really matter.
Don't quote me.
I suppose they're laughing now.
- No, they're not.
- If I can give them a punch line, it's a service.
I'm talking to the
council on Thursday
about the Youth Group.
I thought the blue suit.
It's a bit Tory. But then again,
it's who you're trying to reach.
- Robert.
- Hiya.
- Shoes.
- I'll hoover.
So, was there
anything in particular?
How do you mean?
We don't usually
see you weekdays.
No, I was just off on a
bit of a wander, that's all.
Ladies, ladies...
Condoms galore!
Don't tempt me.
Down, boy!
The temptation, the temptation.
- Thank you, William.
- I'll be upstairs.
Knock twice and ask
for Casanova.
You've got the date, the 25th.
You are coming?
It's a Sunday.
I've got marking, stacks of it.
But it's the Section 28 rally.
I'm giving a speech.
There'll be hundreds there.
You don't need me.
But it's for you.
It's about you.
- Mum, I'm not a marcher.
- I don't know, Robert.
Sometimes I despair of you.
Mexico City last week banned homosexuals
and dogs from public swimming pools.
A politician in Swaziland has
defined gay men as 'bad potatoes',
and Eminem still hasn't
replied to any of my letters.
But you... So long as you've got
your pubs and clubs, you do nothing.
There ought to be a
word for men like you.
Semi-gay, faux-gay. Gayesque.
I'm telling you, he had no bum.
He was bumless.
He can't have had no bum.
My hand's there,
slowly going down his back,
and to t'top of his thigh,
nowt in between. Straight line.
- Everyone's got a bum.
- What about in the middle?
Smooth indentation,
but no divide.
Like Action Man.
I never got to look. I were too busy
round t'front. That were working fine.
There you are. Don't phone me!
Hiya.
Hiya. Then he walks away. I swear the
back of his jeans were just flapping.
There wasn't a hint of buttock.
Look at you, you're back.
Look at you. Your front.
Yeah, well, isn't it?
Have you heard? Has he told you?
Bob's not a virgin any more.
He slept with a woman.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I thought you'd tell them.
- God.
- A real woman? Why did you do that?
- Why?
- Why?
Why? Why, though?
Now I can go to my grave
saying I've tried everything.
Except bullfighting,
but the night is young.
- Her name's Rose.
- Were you drunk, or what?
Pissed out my head.
Good for you. Nice one.
Penetrative sex?
- A little bit.
- What was that like?
Well, interesting.
It's all sort of wrong.
It's unnatural.
There's things missing where things should
be, and things where things should be missing.
- You actually managed it?
- Shut my eyes,
thought of Kavana.
- Is this going to be regular?
- As if. Hello?!
He went mad. Sorry.
Is that Kavanagh QC?
A mate of mine's got this thing
about John Thaw. Obsessed.
He sits and watches
Morse with the Kleenex.
He's got t'theme
tune on his mobile.
He'd phone himself up
while he were having sex.
We're like the overlap
of a Venn diagram.
One circle moving in,
one circle moving out.
- And there we are.
- Middle section.
Bedroom's empty, Dean. All
yours. Window doesn't open, Trev.
I'd get it fixed.
They're toxic, teenage boys.
Gutter needs fixing.
Have you got a garden?
Out the back, yeah.
Rather decent.
Rose, this is Eric.
He's laughing, in?
He? Free house,
free fittings.
A good little woman inside.
That Eric. Straight-to-the-point
Eric. Nice to meet you.
Do you want a bit?
No, thanks. I can manage.
Got much stuff?
- Bloody loads of it.
- I hope he's paying you.
Him, payment? He couldn't
afford it, even if he wanted to.
- That's the alimony.
- And the rest.
What's the rest?
His fault, mind. Still,
- we can? All be millionaires.
- His fault what?
"CAROL". Ashtrays. You might
as welt have them, sweetheart.
Trevor doesn't like
and it's a new start.
Right. Well, that's me done.
I'm off.
Good luck.
- And you.
- Safe journey.
Right, well,
I can't hang around.
Vamoose!
- Give your sister a kiss.
- Get off!
And you're welcome any time.
Within reason. Telephone first.
For what it's worth,
I think the pair of you
are really well suited.
Come round on Sunday.
You and Andy?
And have a proper dinner.
Take caret!
Phone me when you get there.
Give my love to Andy!
Bye!
Bollocks!
Er...
- I'll come down.
- Too right. I'm not shifting it on my own.
Just give us a minute.
Hey...
I'll carry you over
the threshold.
That's right.
Back her up the drive.
I tell you what,
if we get somewhere bigger,
let's make it ground floor.
Um...
It's me.
He'll be round at
my mother's now.
She'll be putting the knife in.
It's only fair on him.
He could have someone proper.
I'm wasting his time.
He's the nicest
man in the world.
Where am I going to go?
I can? Go home.
I'm all in boxes.
I've got nowhere.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
The thing is,
I know We got that spare room,
but I sort of like it.
I'm just getting
the house sorted.
I like being on my own.
"I know that's selfish, but"!
Like it.
Why would I want
your spare room?
I don't know. It's just
it's there, it's empty...
Who said I'm moving in with you?
You said you've nowhere to go.
I'll go home, of course.
Where else would I go?
You said you couldn't.
Of course I did. That's
the sort of thing you say.
I don't know. You phoned me.
What else do you want?
That's...
That's...
Right.
Come on.
- What are you having?
- Vodka tonic.
Er, vodka tonic
and orange juice, thanks.
- Ice?
- Er, yeah, thanks.
Right.
Anyway, sorry.
So, let's start again.
You can go back home, and it
will be all right. It'll be fine.
It's a bit of a squeeze,
but it's OK. And er...
Maybe you could keep
on seeing him - Andy.
Do you think you could? Without
the move, without the pressure,
it might be all right,
do you think?
And if not, then, off you go.
You'll find someone. There's plenty of
blokes. You'll be fighting them off.
£3.20, thanks.
This time next year,
you'll be laughing.
I did not leave him for you.
It works.
Keep the change.
You bastard.
- I'm gay.
- You gay bastard.
All right, I got it wrong.
I've said sorry.
I just sort of...
We just did one stupid thing.
That's nice. I'm a stupid thing.
That's charming.
Give it a rest.
You know what I mean.
Stop following me!
Yes, we did it. Yes,
it was stupid. Yes, it's over.
I'm going to go off on
my own and sort my life out.
If I ever need you again, it'll
only be for picking out fabrics.
I knew it. First sign of
trouble, out come the poof jokes.
Stay!
All right, we did it.
I know we did it.
I don't know how, but we did.
And I'm all over the place
cos I've never done it,
and I've never wanted to do it.
I just went a bit mental. Cos...
The thing is...
The thing is,
I want to do it again.
Bollocks.
Yeah.