Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
Brilliant! Found you! Sergeant
Morrision, is it?
~ Yes, ma'am.
~ Captain Ellen Best.
I'm the new ATO with
Bluestone 42 who are...
Oh.
Come on, Mac!
We tabbed it over. Which
was... informative.
Thirsty!
They're a work in progress,
but excellence takes time.
As does fitness...
trust...
and everything else.
~ So, you found a stash
of home-made explosive?
~ Just over here.
You lot are slower than my nipper,
and she shuffles on her arse.
You got here last!
I was bringing up the rear!
The fastest goes at the back.
The fastest gets there first.
I don't think you understand
what a race is, Towerblock.
~ It wasn't a race.
~ You're just saying that cos I won.
You didn't win. The fittest
brings up the rear!
~ Back me up here, Bird.
~ Oh, whatever.
Fight your own battles.
Not really how the army
works, but thanks, Bird.
OK, team!
Let's see some fives and twenties,
set up an ICP and...
~ Simon, are you OK?
~ Totally ready, ma'am.
Good.
Can't believe she made us
tab it all the way back.
~ It's called leadership, Mac.
~ Is it?
Nick would've sorted out transport...
.. somehow.
Or got us to carry him.
Oh, I think she's the kind of leader
we've been crying out for.
~ You fancy her.
~ What? No.
It's called the chain of command.
Ah, got you!
"Oh, Captain, tie me up with
your chain of command.
"Oh, ma'am! Oh!"
OK, guys. Take a seat, take a seat.
Right.
Why did we join the Army? Go!
Don't think about it. Go.
~ Shoot people.
~ Free food!
~ Blow shit up.
~ Annoy my parents.
Do you want to know
why I joined the army?
I joined the army because
I wanted to...
~ Er, boss?
~ Oh, sorry. Yes, Simon. Go ahead.
I wanted to be the best.
Great, yes! Me too!
I wanted to be the best.
And I want you to
want to be the best.
So that's why, after Ops, my teams
always have coldies and PMA.
Great!
What is that?
Cold drinks and a Post Match
Analysis of the last operation.
A totally non-judgemental chat about
all the mistakes that were made.
What? But we found the
HME and blew it up.
Oh, was that wrong?
No. But I've seen
the way you operate.
Or the way you've been
allowed to operate.
"Allowed to operate"?
Look at this. This is
six months out of date.
This hasn't been current
since Herrick 14.
And this is smeared with what I
can only hope is chocolate spread.
Are we really being the best?
At putting up posters? Probs not.
Ma'am, let me volunteer to
sort out the notice board.
There it is.
And the storage system in the team
ISO needs to be rationalising.
He wants to sort out your box, ma'am.
OK. Thank you. So, I put some cans
in the evidence fridge before we left.
~ I'll get them!
~ Mint.
~ Gleaming!
Cold drinks help with alertness.
Alertness leads to
a positive attitude.
I call it alertitude.
The fridge... It's gone!
What?
See? No fridge!
My cheese was in that fridge!
No, it wasn't.
Bloody hell.
OK, guys. Very funny.
This is the Bluestone
42 I've heard about!
~ So where's the fridge?
~ Fuck knows.
Ma'am.
OK. Great!
Humour!
Wind up the new ATO.
But humour can get in
the way of best practice
and that is what's
happened here. So...
Boss, we didn't nick it!
Everyone wants a cold drink.
So where's the fridge?
Or will I have to
check your quarters?
OK, then.
Right. So where is it?
Am I really going to have to tell
the colonel there's a thief on base?
Oh! Is there?
Humour again. Good.
We didn't nick it.
OK, if none of you are
going to admit it...
No?
.. I'll go and see the colonel.
No?
OK, I'll go.
Nice! She thinks we're a
bunch of thieving bastards
and she basically just
called Nick a dick.
How we've been "allowed to operate"?
In all fairness, Nick
was a bit of a dick.
Mmm, Nick was the best.
To me, all the Ruperts just
meld into one massive Rupert.
Yeah! There's a new
broom in town, Bird.
She's cleaning up.
She's cleaning us. She's...
Never mind!
~ Fancies her!
~ Too right!
~ Come on, let's go and get a brew.
~ Oh! Race you to the cookhouse.
First one to get there wins,
just in case you'd forgotten.
For fuck's sake!
I'm as fit as a butcher's dog, me.
A butcher's dog on steroids.
The kind of steroids that
make you weak and slow?
Beep test. Jerrycan test.
I'll beat Rocket at anything!
Do both! In Catterick our sergeant
made us do a beep test
carrying jerrycans after we put
a Thunderflash down a toilet.
Rocket still got an 11.
Aye. And covered in shit.
Come on, then.
Ah, Captain Best.
Putting your team through
their paces, I see.
Oh!
Great! Always good to focus
on fitness and appearance.
Look smart, think smart, fight smart.
Hm. I had no idea those three
separate things were linked.
~ Illuminating.
~ Well, got to raise the standards after...
~ You know.
~ Do go on.
Nick Medhurst...
.. is a great ATO, but
I do things my way.
Which, you'll be pleased
to hear, is the Army way.
Oh. Is it?
Yes, sir. He gave them
a lot of leeway.
Practical jokes. Humour.
Oh, no...
Is that your fridge, sir?
Yes, got to keep the gazpacho cold.
It's just that it says
Bluestone 42 on it.
Does it?
Well, I never!
I suppose you'd better
have this back.
Thank you, sir! The team will...
I'm sure it'll be just as
effective on another fridge...
~ Oh.
~ .. should you need one.
You're not really collecting DNA evidence
any more, are you? With the drawdown.
~ No, sir, but...
~ What's the first rule?
Finders keepers. What's the
second rule? Losers weepers.
~ Carry on.
~ Yes, sir.
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
What are you? Roadrunner?
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
Erm, hi.
Turns out the colonel has the fridge.
So, good news - you
guys didn't steal it.
Apologies in order. Issued.
Tick. We all move on.
Er, do we, boss?
I mean, you falsely accused
your team of stealing,
but I'm sure they'll learn
to trust you again.
~ Eventually.
~ Bird, it's only a fridge.
A fridge that Nick got them.
And that was not easy.
Oh, he was brilliant.
Well, it's standard issue, isn't it?
DNA evidence? I'll just
requisition a new one.
Good idea, ma'am. That'll
definitely work. Mm.
One more thing.
I've been looking at what Nick probably
thought of as his paperwork
and there's no record
of refresher training
on Battlefield Life-saving
Skills, Health and Safety...
Oh, we didn't have time for
that. What with this, erm...
.. war.
Sure. But you didn't do any
Rapid Response training?
~ Situational Awareness?
~ Oh, we did Situational Awareness.
Yeah, Rocket got confused. Thought
we were playing hide and seek.
So we played hide and
seek. Which was awesome.
See you later!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ For fuck's sake!
~ Scotland, the fittest nation on earth!
~ Beep!
I don't fucking believe it.
Great work, guys!
Hands in the air. I've let
you down on the fridge.
Nick's fridge. The team fridge.
So I will get you a new one.
~ Promise.
~ Beep!
~ Is he all right?
~ He's fine.
~ Beep!
Probably needs new batteries.
Beep!
Ah, ma'am. Would you like to
inspect your new, tidy Iso?
Sure. And do call me Ellen.
I've been wanting to do this
for ages, but Nick was all,
"Don't bother, Medal."
Ah, sorry, I should explain.
Sometimes the guys
like to call me Medal.
~ Oh, have you got a...
~ No, not yet.
Nick wrote me up for one, but the
committee's probably deciding
what "no regard for his own
safety" means in medal terms.
Anyway... er...
Wow!
That is, er, a bit tidier
than it was before.
Thank you, Simon.
I've left space for the fridge,
if some bloody clown
owns up to stealing it.
Well, actually the Colonel has
it. But we're getting a new one.
~ No, you're not!
~ What?
I can't possibly allow
this requisition.
By the time a new fridge gets here,
the Afghans will be in charge.
As I think I've shown, the only way
to get a fridge is to steal one.
~ Sir, I hope that's not...
~ Carry on!
That's fine. I will
get a fridge somehow.
That is a Captain Best promise.
Oh, yes, ma'am...
Ellen.
Are you OK?
Oh! Yes! It's just the sun.
This tent's actually
been set up all wrong.
It should actually have been
oriented ten degrees that way.
You want me to move the
Det by ten degrees?
Could you?
Sure.
~ Great!
~ OK!
~ And I will check!
Jasmine!
Where the fuck did you come
from? Are you stalking me?
I need help beating Rocket
and you've got something other
people just don't have.
Drugs? I'll get the price list.
No. Not that. Come here.
Touch me again and I'll
cut your nuts off!
Beep! Faster, you piece of meat!
~ Is this the sort of level you're after?
~ Yeah...
Beep!
I will take a razorblade
to your fucking perineum!
~ Aaargh!
~ This is fun!
Fuck your enemy! Fuck him in the eye!
Right, better make this the
last hand of the night.
We have got work to do.
C'mon, Rocket. Bling!
~ Hmm? Oh!
~ I still think we should
have invited Ellen to play.
Oooh, Ellen!
What? She said I could.
It's her name.
* Ellen and Medal up a tree
* W-A-N-K-I-N-G H-I-M O-F-F. *
W-A...
"Waking him up"?
Hi, guys. Ooh, cards.
Yep.
Kicking back with a bit of poker
and some nice warm drinks.
When life doesn't give you a fridge,
drink warm lemonade. Mmm!
Bird, can I have a word?
Yep. I fold anyway.
OK, a-hem...
The Colonel.
Is he always so, erm...
I...
He's nuts, isn't he?
Yeah. Pretty much.
He said the only way to get
a fridge is to steal one.
Interesting.
Do you think he wants me
to steal the fridge back?
Erm...
Probably.
Yeah, yes.
You should totally do that.
~ I could get into so much trouble.
~ Mm.
Still, you did promise.
Guys, I am going to
steal the fridge back.
From a Lieutenant Colonel.
For you. My team.
~ All right.
~ Ma'am, I volunteer to be lookout.
No. I think this is something
I have to do on my own.
Got it!
"Wanking him off"!
But why up a tree?
Oh, shit it!
You want fridge?
Yes. No. Yes... if you can
get one by tomorrow morning.
50 dollars. It is agreed.
~ Wait, 50?
~ 30. Half off for first order.
Well, I haven't seen
the... Half off is 25.
Five dollar booking fee. Bye-bye!
Towerblock, are you OK?
You look like my mum after
my Uncle Rab's been round
~ for his afternoon lie-down.
~ We are having a Beep Test rematch.
1600 hours. Out there.
And I'm going to beat you!
Are you? OK.
Notice anything?
Yeah, your chin is on my shoulder.
The Det.
No?
We moved it. Ten degrees.
Why?
Captain Best didn't like the
way the sun was coming in.
Typical Rupert!
Surprised she didn't get
you to move the sun instead!
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
Towerblock. She's not insane!
Oh, is this about Simon moving
the Det because he fancies Ellen?
No. She gave me orders,
so I obey them.
That's why ye fancy her.
Ye like being ordered about.
Your old fiancee used to order
you about and you liked that.
~ No...
~ Aye. Captain Best, the new Charlotte.
Ha-ha-ha!
She is not the new Charlotte.
Morning, Boss.
Morning!
Notice anything?
The Det, we moved it as ordered.
Simon, I was joking!
Yes.
I knew that...
and we moved it as part of the joke!
~ For fuck's sake!
~ Eh?
Erm... funny!
And we'll be moving it back.
So...
.. the joke's on you!
Or us...
Or someone.
Ah-ha! One Captain Best
promise delivered.
Faster than requisition!
Cheaper than Dixons!
Faruq, that's a wooden
box, painted white.
Yes. You put a block
of ice in the top,
will keep the contents
cold two, three hours.
Where am I going to get
a block of ice from?
~ You want freezer?
~ Oh, you've got a freezer?
No, it's just another box, isn't it?
Well...
No, just...
OK. Hands in the air. I'm sorry.
I have failed on the fridge front.
But can we just get on with
analysing yesterday's operation?
~ But we need coldies.
~ You did promise, Boss.
This is pathetic! We're soldiers.
We should want to be the best
with or without coldies.
I'm trying to create a different
mind-set here but you know what?
Just fuck it!
Let's just muddle along until
someone else gets blown up!
Er, Boss, you know Nick's
injury wasn't his fault?
~ You've read the report.
~ I know, I know.
~ No respect.
Fine, Bird, I'll say it. I
don't respect Nick Medhurst.
Why? Because he didn't
respect you. Any of you.
Because he didn't push you.
I extended my tour for you,
because I heard that you could
be the best team in Afghan.
Potential operator.
Potential chief bleep.
Potential Army 100.
Special Forces.
Very tidy.
But in order to do that, you
have to work at it, hard.
So can we forget about
the stupid fridge?
Nick would've got it back.
No, he wouldn't! How?
I don't know, Boss. Maybe
he'd have just asked.
Ask? Genius! I have actually...
I haven't specifically...
I will ask. Meeting postponed.
Follow me, bitch.
~ Oh, not again.
~ It's beast o'clock.
Sir.
Ah, Captain! Like the new Det.
Jaunty.
Er, yeah, thanks. Can I ask...
It's not really orthodox,
using basil in gazpacho,
but I find it just works.
What's the first rule?
Do what works.
I'm not really a recipe
kind of a girl, sir.
I just eat what's in
the tin. Anyway...
Yes, but sometimes, you have
to think outside the tin.
Fresh fruit and things like that?
I mean let go of the tin.
You don't need the tin.
Approach the problem
in a less tinny way.
Sir, about the fridge. Should
I talk to the CQMS or...
No.
All the fridges you need...
.. are already here.
~ Sir, can I have the fridge back?
~ No.
Right. OK.
Sir. Sorry, Boss, shout
on. Transport in ten.
Sir.
Ooh, gazpacho.
Mmm!
Faruq.
Do you want to come and take a
look once I've rendered it safe?
You'll need experience
at the business end
~ if you're going to be an operator.
~ Oh, mint. Cheers, Boss!
Bumlick!
We've got a new Ato, Bird. Get
over it. Everyone else has.
Yeah, at the exact moment
she blew smoke up our arses.
So, standard procedure. I
want you 30 yards back, OK?
Yes, ma'am.
No, it's the constriction of
the blood flow with the bla...
I haven't anyway! Eyes on!
Actually, Bird, can we widen
the cordon to 150 metres?
Really, Boss? Why?
I don't like the atmospherics.
Because the device feels
rushed, like it's a come-on.
And because, Corporal, I'm a captain
and a highly-trained Ato
on my second fucking tour!
Yes, Boss.
Charlie Charlie One, this is
Bluestone 42. We are extending
the cordon to one five zero metres.
Diamond 21, acknowledge. Over.
Diamond 21. Roger. Out.
Check this guy out.
He looks about 160.
Keep your eyes on him.
He could be a threat.
Ha! Him? What's he going to do?
Come up close and piss
hisself? Ha-ha-ha!
OK. Cordon secure, Boss.
Thank you, Bird.
Observation, anticipation, control.
Boss on the move!
That guy's really lost it.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Get back!
Boss, get back!
Cover!
Wadrega!
Hands in the air!
Hands in the air!
Everyone down!
Fuckin' hell!
Fuck me!
Everyone OK?
Skip? Skip? Are you all right?
Yes.
You all right, Towerblock?
You all right, Bird?
Yeah!
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone
42. Contact, suicide bomber.
Sitrep to follow. Wait out.
His fuckin' head came
off! Did you see it?
That was fuckin' mingin'!
I thought he was just
some old stoned guy.
He was. They get guys that are
about to die, they drug them
and they talk them into it.
That is fucked up!
Yeah, well, that's the Taliban.
First suicide bomber?
~ Yeah.
~ I think so.
We had a couple in Kandahar.
You always get traumatic
amputation of the head.
No, it's not nice.
Sorry, Nick Medhurst would probably
say something humorous now
to get you all laughing but, er...
Well, I'm just going to get the job
done and get you home ASAP, yeah?
It's a shame we're not
collecting forensics.
There's a bit on Mac's face.
Eh?
Urgh! Fuck!
I think I'm going tae boak!
DNA evidence! Bird, that is genius!
Bloody hell.
Yep, that'll do it.
~ Could you find Captain Best for me?
~ Yes, sir.
* Where's your head at?
* Where's your head at?
Where's your head at? *
The race is ready to begin.
Will the players take
their jerrycans!
If you lose, I will catheterise
you with a bendy straw!
What have I done?
Here's yours, Towerblock.
~ No!
~ I don't fancy running
with these English cans.
~ They're way heavier.
~ You what?
You cheating bastard! That's
how he beat me the first time.
So I am the fittest.
Oh, forget it. Test's off.
Oh, test's off? I thought
we could all do it together.
Team bonding.
Bonding? With that cheating bastard?
Chill out, Towerblock.
Literally... with a cold drink.
~ Fuck me, it's the fridge!
~ Ooh, is there ice cream?
How did you get it back?
Well...
~ That is mingin'!
~ Jesus, Boss!
I double-bagged it!
Basic food hygiene!
Had to get the fridge back somehow.
And I thought, what would
Nick Medhurst have done?
Not that! He wasn't a psychopath!
Not sure he'd have bothered
to get it back at all.
Or he'd have got it and just
stuck it in his quarters.
Yeah, thinking about it, he'd have
probably just told us to fuck off.
~ Aye.
~ Yeah.
~ Well, I'm sure he wouldn't.
Anyway, why don't we all do
the test and work up a thirst?
Work up a thirst? It's
36 degrees in the shade!
Tell me about it.
I just finished moving
the bloody Det back.
Simon, you didn't have to...
Good! Great work!
OK, is everyone doing the test?
Bit tired, but I suppose
so, Charlotte.
~ Captain.
~ Charlotte?
I said Captain, Boss, ma'am.
OK... Grab those jerrycans, everyone.
Um, Jasmine, will you do the honours?
I would be fucking delighted.
Beep!
Ha-ha! Yes!
Hey, Mac, now who's the fittest, eh?
Who's the fittest?
Uh, fucking hell. That
woman is a machine.
Beep!
Beep!
Great work, everyone! Coldies!
~ Nice one, Boss!
~ Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
PMA first thing tomorrow morning.
Now though, we need to return the...
DNA evidence, so they can
have a proper burial.
~ Towerblock, can you run it
back to the village for me?
~ What, now, Boss?
Ma'am, I've got this.
Pick it up... and fucking
run, you tapeworm!
Pick it up, pick...
Run, fucking run...
Run, you fuckwit, fucking run!
Everyone else, situational awareness
training in 15 minutes.
Situational awareness! Brilliant!
I'll count to 100 and
you all go and hide.
Best team in Afghan. You know it.
Three... four... five...
six... seven... eight...
er, nine...
ten... 11?
Uh...
Morrision, is it?
~ Yes, ma'am.
~ Captain Ellen Best.
I'm the new ATO with
Bluestone 42 who are...
Oh.
Come on, Mac!
We tabbed it over. Which
was... informative.
Thirsty!
They're a work in progress,
but excellence takes time.
As does fitness...
trust...
and everything else.
~ So, you found a stash
of home-made explosive?
~ Just over here.
You lot are slower than my nipper,
and she shuffles on her arse.
You got here last!
I was bringing up the rear!
The fastest goes at the back.
The fastest gets there first.
I don't think you understand
what a race is, Towerblock.
~ It wasn't a race.
~ You're just saying that cos I won.
You didn't win. The fittest
brings up the rear!
~ Back me up here, Bird.
~ Oh, whatever.
Fight your own battles.
Not really how the army
works, but thanks, Bird.
OK, team!
Let's see some fives and twenties,
set up an ICP and...
~ Simon, are you OK?
~ Totally ready, ma'am.
Good.
Can't believe she made us
tab it all the way back.
~ It's called leadership, Mac.
~ Is it?
Nick would've sorted out transport...
.. somehow.
Or got us to carry him.
Oh, I think she's the kind of leader
we've been crying out for.
~ You fancy her.
~ What? No.
It's called the chain of command.
Ah, got you!
"Oh, Captain, tie me up with
your chain of command.
"Oh, ma'am! Oh!"
OK, guys. Take a seat, take a seat.
Right.
Why did we join the Army? Go!
Don't think about it. Go.
~ Shoot people.
~ Free food!
~ Blow shit up.
~ Annoy my parents.
Do you want to know
why I joined the army?
I joined the army because
I wanted to...
~ Er, boss?
~ Oh, sorry. Yes, Simon. Go ahead.
I wanted to be the best.
Great, yes! Me too!
I wanted to be the best.
And I want you to
want to be the best.
So that's why, after Ops, my teams
always have coldies and PMA.
Great!
What is that?
Cold drinks and a Post Match
Analysis of the last operation.
A totally non-judgemental chat about
all the mistakes that were made.
What? But we found the
HME and blew it up.
Oh, was that wrong?
No. But I've seen
the way you operate.
Or the way you've been
allowed to operate.
"Allowed to operate"?
Look at this. This is
six months out of date.
This hasn't been current
since Herrick 14.
And this is smeared with what I
can only hope is chocolate spread.
Are we really being the best?
At putting up posters? Probs not.
Ma'am, let me volunteer to
sort out the notice board.
There it is.
And the storage system in the team
ISO needs to be rationalising.
He wants to sort out your box, ma'am.
OK. Thank you. So, I put some cans
in the evidence fridge before we left.
~ I'll get them!
~ Mint.
~ Gleaming!
Cold drinks help with alertness.
Alertness leads to
a positive attitude.
I call it alertitude.
The fridge... It's gone!
What?
See? No fridge!
My cheese was in that fridge!
No, it wasn't.
Bloody hell.
OK, guys. Very funny.
This is the Bluestone
42 I've heard about!
~ So where's the fridge?
~ Fuck knows.
Ma'am.
OK. Great!
Humour!
Wind up the new ATO.
But humour can get in
the way of best practice
and that is what's
happened here. So...
Boss, we didn't nick it!
Everyone wants a cold drink.
So where's the fridge?
Or will I have to
check your quarters?
OK, then.
Right. So where is it?
Am I really going to have to tell
the colonel there's a thief on base?
Oh! Is there?
Humour again. Good.
We didn't nick it.
OK, if none of you are
going to admit it...
No?
.. I'll go and see the colonel.
No?
OK, I'll go.
Nice! She thinks we're a
bunch of thieving bastards
and she basically just
called Nick a dick.
How we've been "allowed to operate"?
In all fairness, Nick
was a bit of a dick.
Mmm, Nick was the best.
To me, all the Ruperts just
meld into one massive Rupert.
Yeah! There's a new
broom in town, Bird.
She's cleaning up.
She's cleaning us. She's...
Never mind!
~ Fancies her!
~ Too right!
~ Come on, let's go and get a brew.
~ Oh! Race you to the cookhouse.
First one to get there wins,
just in case you'd forgotten.
For fuck's sake!
I'm as fit as a butcher's dog, me.
A butcher's dog on steroids.
The kind of steroids that
make you weak and slow?
Beep test. Jerrycan test.
I'll beat Rocket at anything!
Do both! In Catterick our sergeant
made us do a beep test
carrying jerrycans after we put
a Thunderflash down a toilet.
Rocket still got an 11.
Aye. And covered in shit.
Come on, then.
Ah, Captain Best.
Putting your team through
their paces, I see.
Oh!
Great! Always good to focus
on fitness and appearance.
Look smart, think smart, fight smart.
Hm. I had no idea those three
separate things were linked.
~ Illuminating.
~ Well, got to raise the standards after...
~ You know.
~ Do go on.
Nick Medhurst...
.. is a great ATO, but
I do things my way.
Which, you'll be pleased
to hear, is the Army way.
Oh. Is it?
Yes, sir. He gave them
a lot of leeway.
Practical jokes. Humour.
Oh, no...
Is that your fridge, sir?
Yes, got to keep the gazpacho cold.
It's just that it says
Bluestone 42 on it.
Does it?
Well, I never!
I suppose you'd better
have this back.
Thank you, sir! The team will...
I'm sure it'll be just as
effective on another fridge...
~ Oh.
~ .. should you need one.
You're not really collecting DNA evidence
any more, are you? With the drawdown.
~ No, sir, but...
~ What's the first rule?
Finders keepers. What's the
second rule? Losers weepers.
~ Carry on.
~ Yes, sir.
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
What are you? Roadrunner?
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
Erm, hi.
Turns out the colonel has the fridge.
So, good news - you
guys didn't steal it.
Apologies in order. Issued.
Tick. We all move on.
Er, do we, boss?
I mean, you falsely accused
your team of stealing,
but I'm sure they'll learn
to trust you again.
~ Eventually.
~ Bird, it's only a fridge.
A fridge that Nick got them.
And that was not easy.
Oh, he was brilliant.
Well, it's standard issue, isn't it?
DNA evidence? I'll just
requisition a new one.
Good idea, ma'am. That'll
definitely work. Mm.
One more thing.
I've been looking at what Nick probably
thought of as his paperwork
and there's no record
of refresher training
on Battlefield Life-saving
Skills, Health and Safety...
Oh, we didn't have time for
that. What with this, erm...
.. war.
Sure. But you didn't do any
Rapid Response training?
~ Situational Awareness?
~ Oh, we did Situational Awareness.
Yeah, Rocket got confused. Thought
we were playing hide and seek.
So we played hide and
seek. Which was awesome.
See you later!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ Beep!
~ For fuck's sake!
~ Scotland, the fittest nation on earth!
~ Beep!
I don't fucking believe it.
Great work, guys!
Hands in the air. I've let
you down on the fridge.
Nick's fridge. The team fridge.
So I will get you a new one.
~ Promise.
~ Beep!
~ Is he all right?
~ He's fine.
~ Beep!
Probably needs new batteries.
Beep!
Ah, ma'am. Would you like to
inspect your new, tidy Iso?
Sure. And do call me Ellen.
I've been wanting to do this
for ages, but Nick was all,
"Don't bother, Medal."
Ah, sorry, I should explain.
Sometimes the guys
like to call me Medal.
~ Oh, have you got a...
~ No, not yet.
Nick wrote me up for one, but the
committee's probably deciding
what "no regard for his own
safety" means in medal terms.
Anyway... er...
Wow!
That is, er, a bit tidier
than it was before.
Thank you, Simon.
I've left space for the fridge,
if some bloody clown
owns up to stealing it.
Well, actually the Colonel has
it. But we're getting a new one.
~ No, you're not!
~ What?
I can't possibly allow
this requisition.
By the time a new fridge gets here,
the Afghans will be in charge.
As I think I've shown, the only way
to get a fridge is to steal one.
~ Sir, I hope that's not...
~ Carry on!
That's fine. I will
get a fridge somehow.
That is a Captain Best promise.
Oh, yes, ma'am...
Ellen.
Are you OK?
Oh! Yes! It's just the sun.
This tent's actually
been set up all wrong.
It should actually have been
oriented ten degrees that way.
You want me to move the
Det by ten degrees?
Could you?
Sure.
~ Great!
~ OK!
~ And I will check!
Jasmine!
Where the fuck did you come
from? Are you stalking me?
I need help beating Rocket
and you've got something other
people just don't have.
Drugs? I'll get the price list.
No. Not that. Come here.
Touch me again and I'll
cut your nuts off!
Beep! Faster, you piece of meat!
~ Is this the sort of level you're after?
~ Yeah...
Beep!
I will take a razorblade
to your fucking perineum!
~ Aaargh!
~ This is fun!
Fuck your enemy! Fuck him in the eye!
Right, better make this the
last hand of the night.
We have got work to do.
C'mon, Rocket. Bling!
~ Hmm? Oh!
~ I still think we should
have invited Ellen to play.
Oooh, Ellen!
What? She said I could.
It's her name.
* Ellen and Medal up a tree
* W-A-N-K-I-N-G H-I-M O-F-F. *
W-A...
"Waking him up"?
Hi, guys. Ooh, cards.
Yep.
Kicking back with a bit of poker
and some nice warm drinks.
When life doesn't give you a fridge,
drink warm lemonade. Mmm!
Bird, can I have a word?
Yep. I fold anyway.
OK, a-hem...
The Colonel.
Is he always so, erm...
I...
He's nuts, isn't he?
Yeah. Pretty much.
He said the only way to get
a fridge is to steal one.
Interesting.
Do you think he wants me
to steal the fridge back?
Erm...
Probably.
Yeah, yes.
You should totally do that.
~ I could get into so much trouble.
~ Mm.
Still, you did promise.
Guys, I am going to
steal the fridge back.
From a Lieutenant Colonel.
For you. My team.
~ All right.
~ Ma'am, I volunteer to be lookout.
No. I think this is something
I have to do on my own.
Got it!
"Wanking him off"!
But why up a tree?
Oh, shit it!
You want fridge?
Yes. No. Yes... if you can
get one by tomorrow morning.
50 dollars. It is agreed.
~ Wait, 50?
~ 30. Half off for first order.
Well, I haven't seen
the... Half off is 25.
Five dollar booking fee. Bye-bye!
Towerblock, are you OK?
You look like my mum after
my Uncle Rab's been round
~ for his afternoon lie-down.
~ We are having a Beep Test rematch.
1600 hours. Out there.
And I'm going to beat you!
Are you? OK.
Notice anything?
Yeah, your chin is on my shoulder.
The Det.
No?
We moved it. Ten degrees.
Why?
Captain Best didn't like the
way the sun was coming in.
Typical Rupert!
Surprised she didn't get
you to move the sun instead!
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
Towerblock. She's not insane!
Oh, is this about Simon moving
the Det because he fancies Ellen?
No. She gave me orders,
so I obey them.
That's why ye fancy her.
Ye like being ordered about.
Your old fiancee used to order
you about and you liked that.
~ No...
~ Aye. Captain Best, the new Charlotte.
Ha-ha-ha!
She is not the new Charlotte.
Morning, Boss.
Morning!
Notice anything?
The Det, we moved it as ordered.
Simon, I was joking!
Yes.
I knew that...
and we moved it as part of the joke!
~ For fuck's sake!
~ Eh?
Erm... funny!
And we'll be moving it back.
So...
.. the joke's on you!
Or us...
Or someone.
Ah-ha! One Captain Best
promise delivered.
Faster than requisition!
Cheaper than Dixons!
Faruq, that's a wooden
box, painted white.
Yes. You put a block
of ice in the top,
will keep the contents
cold two, three hours.
Where am I going to get
a block of ice from?
~ You want freezer?
~ Oh, you've got a freezer?
No, it's just another box, isn't it?
Well...
No, just...
OK. Hands in the air. I'm sorry.
I have failed on the fridge front.
But can we just get on with
analysing yesterday's operation?
~ But we need coldies.
~ You did promise, Boss.
This is pathetic! We're soldiers.
We should want to be the best
with or without coldies.
I'm trying to create a different
mind-set here but you know what?
Just fuck it!
Let's just muddle along until
someone else gets blown up!
Er, Boss, you know Nick's
injury wasn't his fault?
~ You've read the report.
~ I know, I know.
~ No respect.
Fine, Bird, I'll say it. I
don't respect Nick Medhurst.
Why? Because he didn't
respect you. Any of you.
Because he didn't push you.
I extended my tour for you,
because I heard that you could
be the best team in Afghan.
Potential operator.
Potential chief bleep.
Potential Army 100.
Special Forces.
Very tidy.
But in order to do that, you
have to work at it, hard.
So can we forget about
the stupid fridge?
Nick would've got it back.
No, he wouldn't! How?
I don't know, Boss. Maybe
he'd have just asked.
Ask? Genius! I have actually...
I haven't specifically...
I will ask. Meeting postponed.
Follow me, bitch.
~ Oh, not again.
~ It's beast o'clock.
Sir.
Ah, Captain! Like the new Det.
Jaunty.
Er, yeah, thanks. Can I ask...
It's not really orthodox,
using basil in gazpacho,
but I find it just works.
What's the first rule?
Do what works.
I'm not really a recipe
kind of a girl, sir.
I just eat what's in
the tin. Anyway...
Yes, but sometimes, you have
to think outside the tin.
Fresh fruit and things like that?
I mean let go of the tin.
You don't need the tin.
Approach the problem
in a less tinny way.
Sir, about the fridge. Should
I talk to the CQMS or...
No.
All the fridges you need...
.. are already here.
~ Sir, can I have the fridge back?
~ No.
Right. OK.
Sir. Sorry, Boss, shout
on. Transport in ten.
Sir.
Ooh, gazpacho.
Mmm!
Faruq.
Do you want to come and take a
look once I've rendered it safe?
You'll need experience
at the business end
~ if you're going to be an operator.
~ Oh, mint. Cheers, Boss!
Bumlick!
We've got a new Ato, Bird. Get
over it. Everyone else has.
Yeah, at the exact moment
she blew smoke up our arses.
So, standard procedure. I
want you 30 yards back, OK?
Yes, ma'am.
No, it's the constriction of
the blood flow with the bla...
I haven't anyway! Eyes on!
Actually, Bird, can we widen
the cordon to 150 metres?
Really, Boss? Why?
I don't like the atmospherics.
Because the device feels
rushed, like it's a come-on.
And because, Corporal, I'm a captain
and a highly-trained Ato
on my second fucking tour!
Yes, Boss.
Charlie Charlie One, this is
Bluestone 42. We are extending
the cordon to one five zero metres.
Diamond 21, acknowledge. Over.
Diamond 21. Roger. Out.
Check this guy out.
He looks about 160.
Keep your eyes on him.
He could be a threat.
Ha! Him? What's he going to do?
Come up close and piss
hisself? Ha-ha-ha!
OK. Cordon secure, Boss.
Thank you, Bird.
Observation, anticipation, control.
Boss on the move!
That guy's really lost it.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Get back!
Boss, get back!
Cover!
Wadrega!
Hands in the air!
Hands in the air!
Everyone down!
Fuckin' hell!
Fuck me!
Everyone OK?
Skip? Skip? Are you all right?
Yes.
You all right, Towerblock?
You all right, Bird?
Yeah!
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone
42. Contact, suicide bomber.
Sitrep to follow. Wait out.
His fuckin' head came
off! Did you see it?
That was fuckin' mingin'!
I thought he was just
some old stoned guy.
He was. They get guys that are
about to die, they drug them
and they talk them into it.
That is fucked up!
Yeah, well, that's the Taliban.
First suicide bomber?
~ Yeah.
~ I think so.
We had a couple in Kandahar.
You always get traumatic
amputation of the head.
No, it's not nice.
Sorry, Nick Medhurst would probably
say something humorous now
to get you all laughing but, er...
Well, I'm just going to get the job
done and get you home ASAP, yeah?
It's a shame we're not
collecting forensics.
There's a bit on Mac's face.
Eh?
Urgh! Fuck!
I think I'm going tae boak!
DNA evidence! Bird, that is genius!
Bloody hell.
Yep, that'll do it.
~ Could you find Captain Best for me?
~ Yes, sir.
* Where's your head at?
* Where's your head at?
Where's your head at? *
The race is ready to begin.
Will the players take
their jerrycans!
If you lose, I will catheterise
you with a bendy straw!
What have I done?
Here's yours, Towerblock.
~ No!
~ I don't fancy running
with these English cans.
~ They're way heavier.
~ You what?
You cheating bastard! That's
how he beat me the first time.
So I am the fittest.
Oh, forget it. Test's off.
Oh, test's off? I thought
we could all do it together.
Team bonding.
Bonding? With that cheating bastard?
Chill out, Towerblock.
Literally... with a cold drink.
~ Fuck me, it's the fridge!
~ Ooh, is there ice cream?
How did you get it back?
Well...
~ That is mingin'!
~ Jesus, Boss!
I double-bagged it!
Basic food hygiene!
Had to get the fridge back somehow.
And I thought, what would
Nick Medhurst have done?
Not that! He wasn't a psychopath!
Not sure he'd have bothered
to get it back at all.
Or he'd have got it and just
stuck it in his quarters.
Yeah, thinking about it, he'd have
probably just told us to fuck off.
~ Aye.
~ Yeah.
~ Well, I'm sure he wouldn't.
Anyway, why don't we all do
the test and work up a thirst?
Work up a thirst? It's
36 degrees in the shade!
Tell me about it.
I just finished moving
the bloody Det back.
Simon, you didn't have to...
Good! Great work!
OK, is everyone doing the test?
Bit tired, but I suppose
so, Charlotte.
~ Captain.
~ Charlotte?
I said Captain, Boss, ma'am.
OK... Grab those jerrycans, everyone.
Um, Jasmine, will you do the honours?
I would be fucking delighted.
Beep!
Ha-ha! Yes!
Hey, Mac, now who's the fittest, eh?
Who's the fittest?
Uh, fucking hell. That
woman is a machine.
Beep!
Beep!
Great work, everyone! Coldies!
~ Nice one, Boss!
~ Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
PMA first thing tomorrow morning.
Now though, we need to return the...
DNA evidence, so they can
have a proper burial.
~ Towerblock, can you run it
back to the village for me?
~ What, now, Boss?
Ma'am, I've got this.
Pick it up... and fucking
run, you tapeworm!
Pick it up, pick...
Run, fucking run...
Run, you fuckwit, fucking run!
Everyone else, situational awareness
training in 15 minutes.
Situational awareness! Brilliant!
I'll count to 100 and
you all go and hide.
Best team in Afghan. You know it.
Three... four... five...
six... seven... eight...
er, nine...
ten... 11?
Uh...