Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
Bird is not happy to find herself sharing a room with the annoyingly cheery Ellen, who has had to vacate her quarters to accommodate the local troops - and lets her know it. Tower Block is also unhappy that his wife seems to be living above their means and can do without Mac's marital advice. However when the Taliban attack in response to a Koran burning in America all differences are put aside to repulse them and Simon gets close to Ellen - who rewards everybody with a facial.
Ma'am?... What's
happening? Are we off?
Bird, I've got an exciting
new role for you.
As my roommate!
Had to vacate my quarters to make
way for our Afghan colleagues.
So, here I am. Yay!
What? But...
OK, fine, but there is definitely
a "no yays" rule in here.
Cheer up, Little Miss
Grumpy! It'll be fun.
Good for team bonding.
Oh, in fact, we should do what I did
with my last team, Facepack Friday.
I'd rather do Slash
My Wrists Saturday.
Mm, you'll come round to it.
Mm, I won't.
Whoa, what is that?
Bunting? Sorry, are
we having a cake sale?
Funny, Bird.
Oh, now, where shall I put these?
You're more than welcome
to borrow anything
so we could set up a communal area.
Just to clarify... Ma'am.
Oh...
Oh, morning, Bird! What do you think?
Um... it looks like a brothel
in the Cotswolds.
How would you know? Oh,
gap year job, was it?
See? Little joke.
Fun. Tick!
Oh, I really need to wash.
Well, feel free to help yourself
to any of my stuff.
In fact, you should borrow this.
Uh. It's all right. I use soap.
Not some kind of liquid fruit salad.
Seriously, Bird, it's
like a bottled massage.
Oh!
Deodorant?
Yellow paint? Hm?
I'm putting the can... down.
I'm putting my can down.
The can is on the ground.
Fun!
100 packets of Screech, proffed
from the cookhouse.
~ Best squash ever.
~ And the hardest soft drink known to man.
We're going super-strength.
Five in a mug. Down in one.
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again
♪ You're never going to keep me down
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again
♪ You're never going to keep me down
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again
♪ You're never going to keep me down
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again... ♪
Ready? OK, three... two... one.
Ho, ho, ho! It's Father Post-mas!
Have you all been
good boys and girls?
Just give us the post, Medal.
Whoa! It's like being punched
in the face by an orange!
There's a package
for you, Towerblock,
and a letter for you, Mac.
Is anyone else thirsty?
It's from my da'.
He's still not talking to me.
How can a drink make you thirsty?
This is like when
I went to the beach.
Oh, mint! Ah, it's from the
Missus. For our anniversary.
From the night we first met.
Oh, that's actually quite romantic.
And I shagged her at the
bus stop by Elland Road.
That is less romantic.
You don't know how much
she loves Leeds United.
Sticky.
Sticky!
And here is my sexy promise
for when I get home.
~ Are they used?
~ No, because she's classy.
Yes, I got that from the bus stop.
Wait up.
Ah, no! No, no, no, no!
She's shopping at fucking Waitrose!
Why didn't she just send me
a parcel full of burnt fivers?
To be fair, Waitrose do check their
prices against other supermarkets.
And then go "Yup, ours
is definitely higher."
I can't believe that she'd stab
me in the wallet like this.
Ooh! Time for ANA bomb-tech training.
Got to protect the asset.
Is that a euphemism for wanking?
No, I'm Ellen's personal escort.
It is a euphemism for wanking!
No. In my professional opinion,
the Afghan National Army
are dodgy bastards.
You know what, I reckon the ANA
guys are all right. I mean,
it must be tough having to fight
against the Taliban when they're
from your own country and that
so we should probably give them
the benefit of the doubt. Aye?
Corporal Lansley,
you are joining the brave ANA
heroes for their training?
Brave? Heroes? ANA? Well,
no, they are the ANA.
I wouldn't leave the boss alone
with a single one of them.
And today we're expecting 20.
Well...
Four. 20.
Very similar, as I say to the taxman.
Tax.
Yes, well, you only
need one wrong 'un.
Like him.
Why's he staring at
us? It's suspicious.
That is Wakdar. He is the best!
The only one who does not smoke weed.
Trying to stay sharp,
very suspicious.
You think that all Afghan
people are suspicious.
I do not!
You're an Afghan and I trust...
that's a bad example.
He's coming over.
With respect, Corporal, we don't
really use the word "Afghan."
I myself am Hazara, and these two men
are Pashtun, and he is Uzbek.
That's interesting.
By which I mean suspicious.
Oh, is this it?
Disappointing turn out.
Yes, rather like my
21st birthday party.
There'd been an incident on the A131.
People were stuck, not unwilling.
Well, let's just crack on anyway.
No cracking on, I'm
afraid, Captain Best.
All training and Ops on hold.
Some nut job Pastor in Florida's
set fire to 1,000 Korans
and the Taliban are
just a teeny-tiny bit
massively fucked off about it.
The ANA must've got wind of it
and decided to stay home.
Except this four.
Suspicious.
Might not be that bad, Sir.
Just a storm in a teacup.
Might be more of a massacre in a mug.
To quote the great military
strategist, Carl von Clausewitz,
"Shit just got real."
Reports show the Taliban
are still moving south,
so we've got a few hours to prepare.
I'm Briefing at 0900 hours. Carry on.
Or rather don't carry on.
Carry on not carrying on.
Carry on.
I just had the biggest
piss of my life!
And it was orange! Like that
Coldplay song, Yellow.
But orange.
Oh, more Screech, result!
So, ten packets each
- straight in, no water.
Bring it on!
~ Towerblock? You in?
~ I'd rather she was having an affair.
At least then someone else would
be paying for her dinner.
So call her and tell her to
stop spunking away your cash.
On our anniversary? Yeah, nice.
You're tit-whipped.
It's not that. If I was at
home I'd tell her, we'd have
a bloody great row, then hot
make-up sex and it'd be sorted.
~ But if I call her from
here I just get the row.
~ So? Call her,
have a row then a hot make-up wank!
You remember when I didn't call her
for her birthday cos of Op Minimise?
And she posted me my signed
Leeds United shirt?
Drop dead, good advice!
Come on! Are we doing this or not?
Aye, all right. Ready?
Three... two...
~ Go!
~ Guys, you've got to come and see this.
~ Is it another burst dog?
~ Worse.
Brilliant!
I can't feel my tongue! Or my mouth!
Nice. She's brightened
the place up a bit.
Ah, definitely smells better than
our quarters. Less... semeny.
You are shitting me!
That is cunting bunting!
What's going on?
Ooh! Fairy lights! Nice.
Why is no-one on my side here?
You do know she wants us all
to do fucking Facepack Friday?
Brilliant. When? Oh, Friday!
Could be good for team bonding?
And my sensitive Glaswegian skin.
Civvies go paintballing
for team bonding.
We are in an actual fucking war!
Not that you'd know it
looking at Helmand's answer
to Cath-cocking-Kidston!
But isn't the best thing about being
a girl getting to have all this?
Just because I have
a vagina doesn't mean
I have to like all this wafty shit!
Maybe you should try
girling up a bit, Bird.
Facepack Friday might
chill you the fuck out.
I don't need to chill the fuck out!
That will be all, thank
you, gentlemen.
You are excused.
Out!
So thanks to this
Koran-burning bell-end,
we're going to see some action,
and it's going to be tight.
We're low on members after most
of the Afghan National Army
have phoned in with a bad case of,
"Holy shit, I'm staying
well out of this."
Only a loyal few have turned up.
Loyal? More like the enemy within.
Simon! The ANA are valuable allies
in the fight against terror.
Oh, you weren't joking! Actually,
he may have a point.
There was a green on blue
at PB Hockley this morning.
No British casualties but three ANA.
Intelligence indicates the attack
on the base is due early afternoon.
And, by intelligence, I mean a text
from Faruq's cousin's
second wife's nephew.
He is very funny on Twitter.
You should follow him.
So we have time to build
up our defences and,
most importantly,
have an early lunch.
What's the first rule?
Lunch. Now, the briefing.
I'm afraid I haven't had much time,
so please excuse the
crudity of this model.
Oh, Sir!
OK, we need to pinpoint
their mortar positions and
firing points or else...
Terribly sorry, Corporal Lansley,
I seem to have set you on fire.
That's quite all right, Sir.
Right, we need to get this down ASAP.
Whoa, custard and ketchup,
is that going to stay down?
Yeah! It all tastes of chemical
orange anyway. It's delicious.
Called your wife yet, Towerblock?
It's very much at the
top of my to-don't list.
Ahh! Hey, there, roomie! Bunk buddy!
What's going on, sister?
OK, Bird. Good you're
trying a new look,
but that is well in breach
of Queen's regs.
~ And that lip gloss clashes.
~ Oh, does it?
Oh, epic fail, #awkward.
But we can talk about it
at Facepack Friday! Yay!
Are you up for that now?
When is that again?
And afterwards we can totally do
each other's nails in our jammies!
My head is confused!
Right, those are mine!
Sorry, Ma'am, but you did say I
could help myself to your stuff!
Yes. I did. No, correct statement.
But I didn't mean... Just
take them off, Bird!
Oh!
But if I'm not all girlie,
then how will be able to bond
with the rest of my team?
OK, Bird, clearly you
think that being a woman
means being an idiot, or weak.
No, Ma'am, women are strong.
People take women seriously.
Boudicca. Brienne of Tarth.
Beyonce... with a gun!
~ Want that!
~ Womanly, fine. Girlie, not fine.
Oh. Oh, silly me, that hand cream
has made my hands slippery-wippery!
If this carries on, I'm going
to need to go and crack one off!
Bird, you think we can discuss
this when we don't have
an attack imminent? Do you
have to sit so close, Simon?!
There is a wrong 'un back there
and I am not taking any chances.
Simon, they're stoned but you're
the one who's paranoid.
Frankly, Bird, I can't take you
seriously looking like that.
Point proved!
We need to be in defensive
positions in 15 minutes.
Go and change.
Good. Cos all this girlie shit
is making me feel really...
Hey up, ANA approaching.
As a gesture of friendship,
I would like to offer you these
traditional Hazara cakes.
I made them myself.
Oh, really? That's very
nice. Wakdar, is it?
Yes, Wakdar.
That's very kind. Very kind indeed.
Goodbye. See you later.
No!
They could be poisoned!
Well, if they are, it's
delicious poison. Lemony.
No, orange.
Oh...
CRASHES LOUDLY
Corporal Bird.
It is not your place to talk to
me like that in front of the team.
Well, CAPTAIN Best, it is not your
place to tell me how to be a woman.
Well, you're being so weird about it.
What is wrong with being feminine?
The Taliban are on their
way to kill us. With guns.
I propose to stop then.
With guns, not hand cream.
Bird, it's not an either-or.
You can fight the Taliban and
still take care of your skin.
You should totally write
adverts for Dove.
~ I'm serious.
~ And so am I. I'm not doing Facepack Friday.
Bird, Facepack Friday
is not about pampering.
It's about feeling part of the team
and your face feeling amazing.
Part of the team?
Since day one, I have been
shot at with the team,
been blown up with team.
I turned down promotion
to stay with the team.
And I think someone feels
threatened by that.
And I think someone
is threatened by this.
I'm not threatened by it.
I just don't fucking like it...
.. Ma'am.
Shall we go and fight
the Taliban now?
Well, I'm going to have
to shoot something.
Come on, Skip.
There's already been a green on
blue so there'll no' be another.
They're like buses, Rocket.
You wait ages and then
three come at once.
And the third one's
always full of sick.
Trust me. Wakdar's the
type to hold a grudge.
Just because some Yank burns a book.
The Koran is the Holy Word of Allah.
To disrespect it is to
disrespect God himself.
Well, I think that's a bit...
I cannot believe how little
you understand of our culture.
You've been in our country
for ten years now.
Well, not personally but...
And still you are as ignorant
as the day you came.
You should fear the anger
of an offended man.
Everyone hear that?
Practically a signed confession.
Rocket?
~ Rocket?
~ Huh? Is my tongue still orange?
Cos my jobbies are.
And they're fizzy.
Towerblock! You're with us!
Fucking hell. You still
not called her?
I just don't know how to
say "Happy anniversary,
"and stop spending my money,"
in one phone call.
Like that - "Happy anniversary,
stop spending my money." Job done.
Yeah, job done and wife fucked off!
Towerblock, you've got to get
this done. Let's practice.
I'll be you, you be her.
Oh, don't be daft.
Boo-beep. Boo-beep-boop. Beep boop.
Brrr.
Brrr, brrr.
Mac, we're expecting
an attack any minute!
Brrr, brrr.
Brrr, brrr.
~ Brrr, brrr...
~ Hello?
Hey up, Mrs Towerblock,
it's me, Mr Towerblock.
Happy anniversary.
I don't sound anything like that.
Stop fucking spending me money
or when I get back I won't give
you any Towercock for a month.
All right, all right! I will call.
Just stop doing that stupid voice.
It's your stupid voice.
SOUND OF DISTANT GUNFIRE
Oh, thank fuck for that.
ALARM BLARES
Charlie, one, one. This
is diamond, zero, alpha.
Reference - my fire mission.
Sierra, one, three.
Request immediate fire support.
Acknowledge. Over.
Thank you so much. Out.
Skip, the enemy's this way!
Are they?
RPG!
They're going for the rear gate!
Shit! Wakdar's going to let them in!
~ Wakdar! Stop! Drop your weapon!
~ But...
~ Now!
~ They're at the gate!
I know! And they're not coming in!
~ Yes, they are!
~ Fuck! You could have said!
~ How many inside?
~ I counted four!
Shit! This is my fault.
Don't blame yourself, Skip.
We'll do that for you later.
Towerblock, cover the
gate. Mac, that way!
Wakdar, on me.
Shite.
Shit! Where's that coming from?
Not today, thank you.
Agh! Shit!
Shit! Agh!
~ Bird! Are you OK?!
~ Agh! Urgh!
I'm covered in peach foam!
Well, you smell terrific.
Shite! Wanker!
He's still moving.
Medic!
Simon, are we clear?
Grenade!
Simon. You just...
Saved your life?
Well, depending on the grenade
variant, blast radius. So...
Thank you.
You can let go of me now.
Oh. Clear!
Well done.
All clear!
Good.
We made a good team in
the end, did we not?
We did, Wakdar. Like ham and eggs.
Sorry, you don't eat ham, do you?
Do you eat eggs?
Maybe it is time you learned
more about my culture.
Oh, wow.
The Koran.
Um...
Exit Wounds by Andy McNab.
I shall treasure it.
Assalaamu Alaikum, Simon Lansley.
Live long and...
.. prosper...
(Wakdar.)
Are you snorting Screech?
That is fucking insane.
Only cos I want to, mind.
Not because I need to.
I don't. I could give
up Screech any time.
Nae bother.
So?
Her spending spree is
over cos now she's gone
and spent all my money on a new Mini.
~ A new Mini! What?
~ Your tits must be red raw.
~ She is good.
Fuck it, she deserves some
fun. Me away all the time.
Aye, she probably bought it
as a penis substitute for you.
Well, it is a Mini!
Piss off!
Right, final Screech
challenge. One line each.
Three... two... one...
Well done, Bluestone 42!
Top work all round.
God, it's burning behind my
eyes! But it hurts so good!
Yes, do fall out, Private.
It's been that sort of day.
Overall, lots of swift tactical
decisions. Attack repelled.
Big tick. Top of the class.
Although you can't all
be top of the class so...
No. The point is good
instincts all round.
Instincts. Yes, thank you.
What? I was right about the
ANA. There was a wrong 'un.
~ But you got the wrong wrong 'un.
~ Maybe, but my instincts...
~ No.
If you'd just left it then
your wrong wrong 'un
would've stopped the right wrong 'un
from wronging all over the place.
Are you all right, Rocket?
Aye. I'm fine, boss.
Good. Anyway, stressful day.
You know what we should do.
This was an excellent idea, boss.
Aye, mint.
Gleaming.
I have always enjoyed whiting
up. Very humorous in my culture.
And you get a snack, too.
Good work, Captain Best.
You enjoying the team-bonding, Bird?
I knew you'd come round to it.
How is it bonding when one
of the team fucking hates it?
Because the rest of the team
really had to pull together
~ to get you in that chair.
~ You cheated. You used brute force.
Well, what do you expect, Bird?
We're soldiers. Not Barbie dolls.
Oh!
~ Yay!
~ Get off me!
Don't fight me, you'll
do yourself a mischief!
You're violating me...
happening? Are we off?
Bird, I've got an exciting
new role for you.
As my roommate!
Had to vacate my quarters to make
way for our Afghan colleagues.
So, here I am. Yay!
What? But...
OK, fine, but there is definitely
a "no yays" rule in here.
Cheer up, Little Miss
Grumpy! It'll be fun.
Good for team bonding.
Oh, in fact, we should do what I did
with my last team, Facepack Friday.
I'd rather do Slash
My Wrists Saturday.
Mm, you'll come round to it.
Mm, I won't.
Whoa, what is that?
Bunting? Sorry, are
we having a cake sale?
Funny, Bird.
Oh, now, where shall I put these?
You're more than welcome
to borrow anything
so we could set up a communal area.
Just to clarify... Ma'am.
Oh...
Oh, morning, Bird! What do you think?
Um... it looks like a brothel
in the Cotswolds.
How would you know? Oh,
gap year job, was it?
See? Little joke.
Fun. Tick!
Oh, I really need to wash.
Well, feel free to help yourself
to any of my stuff.
In fact, you should borrow this.
Uh. It's all right. I use soap.
Not some kind of liquid fruit salad.
Seriously, Bird, it's
like a bottled massage.
Oh!
Deodorant?
Yellow paint? Hm?
I'm putting the can... down.
I'm putting my can down.
The can is on the ground.
Fun!
100 packets of Screech, proffed
from the cookhouse.
~ Best squash ever.
~ And the hardest soft drink known to man.
We're going super-strength.
Five in a mug. Down in one.
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again
♪ You're never going to keep me down
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again
♪ You're never going to keep me down
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again
♪ You're never going to keep me down
♪ I get knocked down
But I get up again... ♪
Ready? OK, three... two... one.
Ho, ho, ho! It's Father Post-mas!
Have you all been
good boys and girls?
Just give us the post, Medal.
Whoa! It's like being punched
in the face by an orange!
There's a package
for you, Towerblock,
and a letter for you, Mac.
Is anyone else thirsty?
It's from my da'.
He's still not talking to me.
How can a drink make you thirsty?
This is like when
I went to the beach.
Oh, mint! Ah, it's from the
Missus. For our anniversary.
From the night we first met.
Oh, that's actually quite romantic.
And I shagged her at the
bus stop by Elland Road.
That is less romantic.
You don't know how much
she loves Leeds United.
Sticky.
Sticky!
And here is my sexy promise
for when I get home.
~ Are they used?
~ No, because she's classy.
Yes, I got that from the bus stop.
Wait up.
Ah, no! No, no, no, no!
She's shopping at fucking Waitrose!
Why didn't she just send me
a parcel full of burnt fivers?
To be fair, Waitrose do check their
prices against other supermarkets.
And then go "Yup, ours
is definitely higher."
I can't believe that she'd stab
me in the wallet like this.
Ooh! Time for ANA bomb-tech training.
Got to protect the asset.
Is that a euphemism for wanking?
No, I'm Ellen's personal escort.
It is a euphemism for wanking!
No. In my professional opinion,
the Afghan National Army
are dodgy bastards.
You know what, I reckon the ANA
guys are all right. I mean,
it must be tough having to fight
against the Taliban when they're
from your own country and that
so we should probably give them
the benefit of the doubt. Aye?
Corporal Lansley,
you are joining the brave ANA
heroes for their training?
Brave? Heroes? ANA? Well,
no, they are the ANA.
I wouldn't leave the boss alone
with a single one of them.
And today we're expecting 20.
Well...
Four. 20.
Very similar, as I say to the taxman.
Tax.
Yes, well, you only
need one wrong 'un.
Like him.
Why's he staring at
us? It's suspicious.
That is Wakdar. He is the best!
The only one who does not smoke weed.
Trying to stay sharp,
very suspicious.
You think that all Afghan
people are suspicious.
I do not!
You're an Afghan and I trust...
that's a bad example.
He's coming over.
With respect, Corporal, we don't
really use the word "Afghan."
I myself am Hazara, and these two men
are Pashtun, and he is Uzbek.
That's interesting.
By which I mean suspicious.
Oh, is this it?
Disappointing turn out.
Yes, rather like my
21st birthday party.
There'd been an incident on the A131.
People were stuck, not unwilling.
Well, let's just crack on anyway.
No cracking on, I'm
afraid, Captain Best.
All training and Ops on hold.
Some nut job Pastor in Florida's
set fire to 1,000 Korans
and the Taliban are
just a teeny-tiny bit
massively fucked off about it.
The ANA must've got wind of it
and decided to stay home.
Except this four.
Suspicious.
Might not be that bad, Sir.
Just a storm in a teacup.
Might be more of a massacre in a mug.
To quote the great military
strategist, Carl von Clausewitz,
"Shit just got real."
Reports show the Taliban
are still moving south,
so we've got a few hours to prepare.
I'm Briefing at 0900 hours. Carry on.
Or rather don't carry on.
Carry on not carrying on.
Carry on.
I just had the biggest
piss of my life!
And it was orange! Like that
Coldplay song, Yellow.
But orange.
Oh, more Screech, result!
So, ten packets each
- straight in, no water.
Bring it on!
~ Towerblock? You in?
~ I'd rather she was having an affair.
At least then someone else would
be paying for her dinner.
So call her and tell her to
stop spunking away your cash.
On our anniversary? Yeah, nice.
You're tit-whipped.
It's not that. If I was at
home I'd tell her, we'd have
a bloody great row, then hot
make-up sex and it'd be sorted.
~ But if I call her from
here I just get the row.
~ So? Call her,
have a row then a hot make-up wank!
You remember when I didn't call her
for her birthday cos of Op Minimise?
And she posted me my signed
Leeds United shirt?
Drop dead, good advice!
Come on! Are we doing this or not?
Aye, all right. Ready?
Three... two...
~ Go!
~ Guys, you've got to come and see this.
~ Is it another burst dog?
~ Worse.
Brilliant!
I can't feel my tongue! Or my mouth!
Nice. She's brightened
the place up a bit.
Ah, definitely smells better than
our quarters. Less... semeny.
You are shitting me!
That is cunting bunting!
What's going on?
Ooh! Fairy lights! Nice.
Why is no-one on my side here?
You do know she wants us all
to do fucking Facepack Friday?
Brilliant. When? Oh, Friday!
Could be good for team bonding?
And my sensitive Glaswegian skin.
Civvies go paintballing
for team bonding.
We are in an actual fucking war!
Not that you'd know it
looking at Helmand's answer
to Cath-cocking-Kidston!
But isn't the best thing about being
a girl getting to have all this?
Just because I have
a vagina doesn't mean
I have to like all this wafty shit!
Maybe you should try
girling up a bit, Bird.
Facepack Friday might
chill you the fuck out.
I don't need to chill the fuck out!
That will be all, thank
you, gentlemen.
You are excused.
Out!
So thanks to this
Koran-burning bell-end,
we're going to see some action,
and it's going to be tight.
We're low on members after most
of the Afghan National Army
have phoned in with a bad case of,
"Holy shit, I'm staying
well out of this."
Only a loyal few have turned up.
Loyal? More like the enemy within.
Simon! The ANA are valuable allies
in the fight against terror.
Oh, you weren't joking! Actually,
he may have a point.
There was a green on blue
at PB Hockley this morning.
No British casualties but three ANA.
Intelligence indicates the attack
on the base is due early afternoon.
And, by intelligence, I mean a text
from Faruq's cousin's
second wife's nephew.
He is very funny on Twitter.
You should follow him.
So we have time to build
up our defences and,
most importantly,
have an early lunch.
What's the first rule?
Lunch. Now, the briefing.
I'm afraid I haven't had much time,
so please excuse the
crudity of this model.
Oh, Sir!
OK, we need to pinpoint
their mortar positions and
firing points or else...
Terribly sorry, Corporal Lansley,
I seem to have set you on fire.
That's quite all right, Sir.
Right, we need to get this down ASAP.
Whoa, custard and ketchup,
is that going to stay down?
Yeah! It all tastes of chemical
orange anyway. It's delicious.
Called your wife yet, Towerblock?
It's very much at the
top of my to-don't list.
Ahh! Hey, there, roomie! Bunk buddy!
What's going on, sister?
OK, Bird. Good you're
trying a new look,
but that is well in breach
of Queen's regs.
~ And that lip gloss clashes.
~ Oh, does it?
Oh, epic fail, #awkward.
But we can talk about it
at Facepack Friday! Yay!
Are you up for that now?
When is that again?
And afterwards we can totally do
each other's nails in our jammies!
My head is confused!
Right, those are mine!
Sorry, Ma'am, but you did say I
could help myself to your stuff!
Yes. I did. No, correct statement.
But I didn't mean... Just
take them off, Bird!
Oh!
But if I'm not all girlie,
then how will be able to bond
with the rest of my team?
OK, Bird, clearly you
think that being a woman
means being an idiot, or weak.
No, Ma'am, women are strong.
People take women seriously.
Boudicca. Brienne of Tarth.
Beyonce... with a gun!
~ Want that!
~ Womanly, fine. Girlie, not fine.
Oh. Oh, silly me, that hand cream
has made my hands slippery-wippery!
If this carries on, I'm going
to need to go and crack one off!
Bird, you think we can discuss
this when we don't have
an attack imminent? Do you
have to sit so close, Simon?!
There is a wrong 'un back there
and I am not taking any chances.
Simon, they're stoned but you're
the one who's paranoid.
Frankly, Bird, I can't take you
seriously looking like that.
Point proved!
We need to be in defensive
positions in 15 minutes.
Go and change.
Good. Cos all this girlie shit
is making me feel really...
Hey up, ANA approaching.
As a gesture of friendship,
I would like to offer you these
traditional Hazara cakes.
I made them myself.
Oh, really? That's very
nice. Wakdar, is it?
Yes, Wakdar.
That's very kind. Very kind indeed.
Goodbye. See you later.
No!
They could be poisoned!
Well, if they are, it's
delicious poison. Lemony.
No, orange.
Oh...
CRASHES LOUDLY
Corporal Bird.
It is not your place to talk to
me like that in front of the team.
Well, CAPTAIN Best, it is not your
place to tell me how to be a woman.
Well, you're being so weird about it.
What is wrong with being feminine?
The Taliban are on their
way to kill us. With guns.
I propose to stop then.
With guns, not hand cream.
Bird, it's not an either-or.
You can fight the Taliban and
still take care of your skin.
You should totally write
adverts for Dove.
~ I'm serious.
~ And so am I. I'm not doing Facepack Friday.
Bird, Facepack Friday
is not about pampering.
It's about feeling part of the team
and your face feeling amazing.
Part of the team?
Since day one, I have been
shot at with the team,
been blown up with team.
I turned down promotion
to stay with the team.
And I think someone feels
threatened by that.
And I think someone
is threatened by this.
I'm not threatened by it.
I just don't fucking like it...
.. Ma'am.
Shall we go and fight
the Taliban now?
Well, I'm going to have
to shoot something.
Come on, Skip.
There's already been a green on
blue so there'll no' be another.
They're like buses, Rocket.
You wait ages and then
three come at once.
And the third one's
always full of sick.
Trust me. Wakdar's the
type to hold a grudge.
Just because some Yank burns a book.
The Koran is the Holy Word of Allah.
To disrespect it is to
disrespect God himself.
Well, I think that's a bit...
I cannot believe how little
you understand of our culture.
You've been in our country
for ten years now.
Well, not personally but...
And still you are as ignorant
as the day you came.
You should fear the anger
of an offended man.
Everyone hear that?
Practically a signed confession.
Rocket?
~ Rocket?
~ Huh? Is my tongue still orange?
Cos my jobbies are.
And they're fizzy.
Towerblock! You're with us!
Fucking hell. You still
not called her?
I just don't know how to
say "Happy anniversary,
"and stop spending my money,"
in one phone call.
Like that - "Happy anniversary,
stop spending my money." Job done.
Yeah, job done and wife fucked off!
Towerblock, you've got to get
this done. Let's practice.
I'll be you, you be her.
Oh, don't be daft.
Boo-beep. Boo-beep-boop. Beep boop.
Brrr.
Brrr, brrr.
Mac, we're expecting
an attack any minute!
Brrr, brrr.
Brrr, brrr.
~ Brrr, brrr...
~ Hello?
Hey up, Mrs Towerblock,
it's me, Mr Towerblock.
Happy anniversary.
I don't sound anything like that.
Stop fucking spending me money
or when I get back I won't give
you any Towercock for a month.
All right, all right! I will call.
Just stop doing that stupid voice.
It's your stupid voice.
SOUND OF DISTANT GUNFIRE
Oh, thank fuck for that.
ALARM BLARES
Charlie, one, one. This
is diamond, zero, alpha.
Reference - my fire mission.
Sierra, one, three.
Request immediate fire support.
Acknowledge. Over.
Thank you so much. Out.
Skip, the enemy's this way!
Are they?
RPG!
They're going for the rear gate!
Shit! Wakdar's going to let them in!
~ Wakdar! Stop! Drop your weapon!
~ But...
~ Now!
~ They're at the gate!
I know! And they're not coming in!
~ Yes, they are!
~ Fuck! You could have said!
~ How many inside?
~ I counted four!
Shit! This is my fault.
Don't blame yourself, Skip.
We'll do that for you later.
Towerblock, cover the
gate. Mac, that way!
Wakdar, on me.
Shite.
Shit! Where's that coming from?
Not today, thank you.
Agh! Shit!
Shit! Agh!
~ Bird! Are you OK?!
~ Agh! Urgh!
I'm covered in peach foam!
Well, you smell terrific.
Shite! Wanker!
He's still moving.
Medic!
Simon, are we clear?
Grenade!
Simon. You just...
Saved your life?
Well, depending on the grenade
variant, blast radius. So...
Thank you.
You can let go of me now.
Oh. Clear!
Well done.
All clear!
Good.
We made a good team in
the end, did we not?
We did, Wakdar. Like ham and eggs.
Sorry, you don't eat ham, do you?
Do you eat eggs?
Maybe it is time you learned
more about my culture.
Oh, wow.
The Koran.
Um...
Exit Wounds by Andy McNab.
I shall treasure it.
Assalaamu Alaikum, Simon Lansley.
Live long and...
.. prosper...
(Wakdar.)
Are you snorting Screech?
That is fucking insane.
Only cos I want to, mind.
Not because I need to.
I don't. I could give
up Screech any time.
Nae bother.
So?
Her spending spree is
over cos now she's gone
and spent all my money on a new Mini.
~ A new Mini! What?
~ Your tits must be red raw.
~ She is good.
Fuck it, she deserves some
fun. Me away all the time.
Aye, she probably bought it
as a penis substitute for you.
Well, it is a Mini!
Piss off!
Right, final Screech
challenge. One line each.
Three... two... one...
Well done, Bluestone 42!
Top work all round.
God, it's burning behind my
eyes! But it hurts so good!
Yes, do fall out, Private.
It's been that sort of day.
Overall, lots of swift tactical
decisions. Attack repelled.
Big tick. Top of the class.
Although you can't all
be top of the class so...
No. The point is good
instincts all round.
Instincts. Yes, thank you.
What? I was right about the
ANA. There was a wrong 'un.
~ But you got the wrong wrong 'un.
~ Maybe, but my instincts...
~ No.
If you'd just left it then
your wrong wrong 'un
would've stopped the right wrong 'un
from wronging all over the place.
Are you all right, Rocket?
Aye. I'm fine, boss.
Good. Anyway, stressful day.
You know what we should do.
This was an excellent idea, boss.
Aye, mint.
Gleaming.
I have always enjoyed whiting
up. Very humorous in my culture.
And you get a snack, too.
Good work, Captain Best.
You enjoying the team-bonding, Bird?
I knew you'd come round to it.
How is it bonding when one
of the team fucking hates it?
Because the rest of the team
really had to pull together
~ to get you in that chair.
~ You cheated. You used brute force.
Well, what do you expect, Bird?
We're soldiers. Not Barbie dolls.
Oh!
~ Yay!
~ Get off me!
Don't fight me, you'll
do yourself a mischief!
You're violating me...