Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript
Boss. Do you know what's going on?
100 soldiers...
.. are running about.
Do you need more detail than that?
Why are you so perky?
Well, when you've had a kid,
0500 feels like a lie-in.
Don't know why we have
to clear compounds at 5am.
You know the drill - it's
a time of our own choosing.
Not a time of my choosing.
I'd chose tea-time.
After a wank and a scone.
Boss, I know you went
to boarding school
but that's not what a cream tea is.
HE KNOCKS
Tired, boss? Been up
all night reading?
You what?
The books I lent you.
The Girl With The Dragon
Tattoo trilogy.
Enjoying them?
I'm enjoying not having
bothered to read them,
despite your continual
insistence that I should.
Right. Can I have them back then?
What, now?
We're on an operation, ya knob.
He's in one of his moods.
Shite. We need him sharp
for the pub quiz tonight.
We have got to win tonight!
Cos then we get to keep the
Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge!
He hasn't been himself
since Mary left.
Yeah. He just called me a knob.
But that's normal, Simon.
It was the way that he did
it. With real contempt.
But that's normal, Simon.
ATO! ATO!
Boss! Boss!
Cat A! Head high tripwire. Room five.
Another day, another unfucking.
Tatty bye, darlings.
And Simon.
HEAVY BREATHING
Where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?
Wait, don't get too close!
Shit! Shit! Shit! I'm going to die!
OK, everyone, calm the fuck down.
There's a fucking tripwire!
Yes. Breathe.
I'm the ATO, this is what I do.
OK, you two, out!
Me and Mr Pissy Pants
here need some privacy.
What's your name, Private?
Alderton, sir. Pete. Pete. Pete.
Listen, Pete.
You're going to be just fine.
But you will shit yourself every
time you hang up the washing.
HE MOANS OK, now, Pete,
I need you to keep...
your head... still.
~ Yeah.
~ Don't nod. Don't nod.
This wall...
It's full of explosives.
So don't move your fucking head.
I'm going to let go as
I have to gag the peg.
Oh.
No! No, no, no.
Let's just... we'll
do it this way. Yeah?
Oh, Pete, you are making
this really difficult.
Maybe we'll finally get a round
on genital deformities?
OK, OK. What's it called
if you've got three balls?
Freaky fucking shit?
The medical name.
Medics would call that
freaky fucking shit.
This is not helping. We need...
EXPLOSION
It's Private Alderton. Wait!
~ And Nick!
~ Shit!
~ Fucking hell!
~ You stupid bastard!
OK, you need to go in. What's
your threat assessment?
~ The route is clear. I'm going in.
~ OK. Go, go, go!
Whisky 54 Bravo, this is Bluestone
42 number 2's on his way in.
Come over here. Now drop that.
I need you to focus.
OK, hold that.
Boss! Boss!
Oh, you stupid, stupid bastard!
I didn't fuck up.
What? What happened?
I didn't fuck up.
~ Boss!
~ Get back!
~ Boss!
~ Get back! We need space. Get back!
Putting in an airway.
Hello, Zero Bravo, this is Charlie
One Alpha. MISTAT Over.
Charlie One Alpha, Zap Number Mike
Echo 1828. Mike. IED 1460...
Sierra, Alpha...
Nick!
~ Is he all right?
~ What do you fucking think?
OK, OK! Did he say anything?
"I didn't fuck up."
That's not how it bloody
looks though, is it?
We're being stood down.
Fuck!
Sir, any news?
Just heard from Bastion, he's
still critical, I'm afraid.
You're offline for 48
hours to see the Padre.
Simon, Bird, get his kit packed up.
Towerblock, the SAT is inbound.
He'll want a full report.
Mac, Rocket, bone up on your
trivia, ready for the quiz.
It's still on, sir?
With Nick in hospital?
Of course. The questions
are sitting on my desk.
I presume you want to win the
Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge
once and for all, fair and square?
Nick would have liked that.
Aye.
We will win that cup fair and squ...
~ We will win the cup.
~ Good.
So quiz tonight. Five rounds
of questions which are,
as I say, on my desk.
Carry on.
Thanks, Padre.
So you've been working
together for a while now.
I expect you've grown quite close?
Yes, very.
I liked him.
Not sure he liked me.
And he was quite rude to me.
~ So not close at all, really.
~ I see.
No, he was a good ATO,
but if you lent him, say, a book,
or a trilogy of books, you
wouldn't get them back.
Sorry, no, this is no time
to speak ill of the...
Actually, do we... is he...
Do we know, is he...?
Still critical as far as I know.
Good. I mean not good.
Good. I mean, good as in...
It's good that he's not... you know.
~ Sweetie?
~ Please!
Corporal House.
SAT. Sir. Sorry.
I was miles away.
Call me Mike. This is
the WISWO, Edgeways.
Edgeways, Corporal House.
Edgeways?
Cos he can't get a word in edgeways.
Is there any word from Bastion?
Well, Sheffield Wednesday
got stuffed 3-0,
but I suppose you're
not asking about that.
Nick's still in theatre.
So we'll need a first
look report today,
and then a full report
in a couple of days.
But I haven't...
I know this is your first one,
so I'll hold your hand through it.
But not like that, I'm not a Marine.
So let's start with the
layout of the room.
Well, he must have
fucked up, mustn't he?
He cuts corners.
He's not been himself for
the last few weeks. He...
Yeah, he probably thought, "Sod it,
I'll just not bother today, ey?"
We don't let the cowboys
become operators.
Except Edgeways, fucking chancer!
Sometimes it's just back luck.
It can't just be random.
I want to be an operator
not play Russian Roulette.
He must've done something...
Well, deal with this incident
like an operator.
And that'll be a big tick in the box.
Or you can deal with
it like a daft twat.
And that'll be a tick in
the box marked 'daft twat'.
So, do the plan. And then
we'll get the witnesses in.
We need the quiz questions.
You want quiz questions? Afghan
version of Trivial Pursuit.
Fun for all the family. Except
the women, of course.
We need the actual questions, Faruq.
Ah!
Didn't the Colonel say that he'd
left the questions on his desk?
I think he's just made
a very silly mistake.
Yeah. Great. Stick
it with the others.
Bird. Go and see the Padre.
Fuck off!
I'm not having some sky
pilot telling me that this
~ was "all part of God's plan."
~ You must be feeling that every...
I don't know how I'm feeling!
So how'd you know?
Fine.
So who are we going to get?
New ATO, I mean.
Bloody hell, Bird, you move on quick!
Nick's not even cold in
his... hos-hospital bed.
Wow, and I move on quick?
People get replaced, Simon. The
Army's kind of set up for that.
Well, at times like this I
think Nick would want us to...
Oh, brilliant! My book!
Oh, well, one of them at least.
Fuck's sake.
He's ruined it!
No respect.
Yeah, let's focus on the real
tragedy of today. Your book.
JAUNTY MUSIC
What's it say?
It's a to-do list.
One - wash socks.
Two - place quiz questions in safe.
Three - place keys in pizza oven.
So we need to wash our socks.
Interesting.
We had a boy like you in my village.
We left him in the mountains.
Nice.
I like mountains.
We won't get Stephens, too young.
Or Best, she's going
home. Thank fuck!
It will be Moncur.
Mmm shame, it would have been nice
to have a woman in the team.
You've already got one!
Yeah, well...
I suppose so.
What do you mean, "I suppose so"?
Do you want me to get my tits out?
Urgh! No!
What do you mean, "Urgh! No!"?
It's... Oh, great, Towerblock!
You alreet, lad?
Any news?
Has Nick shuffled off into...
.. into the recovery ward?
Still in theatre.
What about a new ATO?
SAT said anything?
I think his exact words
were that he won't know
until he's waded through
a river of Army shitocracy.
~ Right.
~ Anyway, we're going back to the compound
but I said you wouldn't want to
come cos you must be feeling...
Will people stop telling
me how I must be feeling?
Why? Does that make you feel angry?
HE SNIGGERS
Let's go.
So what's it looking
like? Did Nick fuck up?
Did someone else fuck up?
Dunno. The SAT says it
was just bad luck, but...
But what?
It can't be.
If it's just random then this whole
job's just a roll of the dice!
If no-one's fucked up then
we're fucked, aren't we?
What makes you think
we're not fucked?
Does paper beat key?
Paper beats rock, numpty.
And this must be a combination lock.
Paper does not beat rock.
I think you have never
been to a stoning.
Well, this is it.
If you need to take a moment, Bird.
I am actually fine, OK?
I just...
Um, I need to take a moment.
Oi, we should get to work.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's find what's
left of this device.
What?
Device. Singular.
At the risk of sounding like Yoda,
open your fucking mind you must.
That's in the Director's Cut, is it?
Sorry.
You're assuming that there
was only one device
that Nick was working on,
that Nick must've triggered.
Because you're assuming he fucked up!
Because nothing we've found out so
far has suggested that he didn't!
Or that he did!
Could be two devices.
Could be two triggers.
You know this stuff!
Heading for the daft
twat box, you are.
Get out, reboot and fucking
come back in again.
You too, eh?
Yeah.
I've got to clear my head.
Just don't know what's up with me.
I do.
You've got a kid.
Eh?
You're thinking you don't want
to be an operator if you can do
everything right and still get
randomly turned into pink mist.
Not fair on your sprog.
Yeah...
Maybe that's it.
So the moral of the story...?
Keep an open mind.
No!
Never have kids!
HE LAUGHS
Better get back in.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling like I really
don't want to talk about it.
Personal.
Work.
Work.
Very personal. God!
Personal. Oh, God!
You're kidding me!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Bloody hell!
Everything all right, Corporal?
This is... This is a
medal. He's uh... Medal?
Yes. He was writing you up for one.
For the night-time ambush.
When you fixed bayonets.
Medal.
Yes. You'll find out in a month.
So till then, keep it under your hat.
Or helmet, I believe they're
called. Carry on.
HE CHUCKLES
4-3-6-2.
X marks the spot.
A plan of the base!
My cousin in the Taliban
has this map.
Don't worry, it's probably
not for work.
Oh!
And then they have to
find a combination lock.
Keeping them busy.
What's the first rule?
Keep them busy.
I once spent ten hours sitting
in a boiling ISO in Basra
waiting to hear if my Sergeant
Major would pull through.
Didn't enjoy it.
Good to give them a run-around.
So, when they have the map
then they can find this key.
Oh, shitsticks! Already?
I've got ten seconds before they realise
they've got the map the wrong way round.
ALL: Ah!
Padre.
Sir.
Sir, it's taped up.
He had rendered it safe.
So?
He didn't fuck up.
So what did happen?
Um...
OK, a...
A secondary, or two triggers.
Two... trip wires. The
head high one here.
And then the other...
It must've been here.
So Nick gags the peg, he sorts
the head high wire but Alderton's
so all-over-the-place that
he goes for the wrong door,
hits the second trip wire and...
And today's special
is the shit sandwich.
Ah.
Thanks for coming here, Padre.
Cos this has to be
in total confidence.
So, I went to see where it happened,
and do you know what I felt?
I felt glad. Like Nick deserved it.
Only for a moment but I thought,
"Yeah, yeah, this feels
like God's plan."
~ I'm not sure that's...
~ Not finished.
Ever since me and Nick shagged...
You as well? I mean, sorry, do go on.
Thank you.
He's cast this lanky,
condescending shadow over me,
my place in the team, my career...
So, you feel glad?
Not now, sicko! For a moment!
Obviously I'm not glad he's hurt.
I just think not seeing him for
a bit's going to be good for me.
Let's just hope he pulls through.
He'll be fine. Always is.
As soon as he comes round
he'll be trying to fuck a nurse
with his 'Best Mate Steve' story.
Cheers, Padre.
~ What?
~ Where are the questions?
Ooh, hello, chaps, didn't
expect to see you here!
BOTH: Sir! Erm, no,
we were we just...
I presume you're here to
help me ball my socks?
~ Aye.
~ No.
I mean... aye!
Right! What's next
on the old to-do list?
Hide quiz questions in safe.
Ooh, that slipped my mind.
Here they are on the desk,
under the to-do list.
~ Stupid!
~ Ah, right!
~ What the hell are you doing?
~ You were leading us to the questions!
No, I was keeping you busy!
If you're going to win
the Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge,
you win it fair and square.
Now finish balling my socks!
So it wasn't an error of
drill or an error in drill.
It was just some guy - panicking.
Bad luck?
Kind of. But bad luck
that you can understand.
And not random.
Anything else?
~ Just some paperwork for the WISWO.
~ WISWO.
Couple of IED reports,
requisition forms and oh,
an honours nomination form. Now,
that's gone in the wrong pile.
What? Someone's getting a medal?
Oh, must be.
Nick was writing YOU up for a medal?
~ What?!
~ Oh? Was he?
Oh, yeah!
Probably best not to
mention that to anyone.
You just mentioned it. Medal!
Yeah. Medal.
~ I haven't got one yet so...
~ I think we're done here.
OK, lads. I spoke to Bastion.
Nick's lost his leg at the knee.
~ Fuck!
~ But he's going to make it, right?
Still a bit touch and go.
He's back in theatre.
More internal bleeding.
We should know more in an hour.
Let's go get a brew - wait
this out together, hey?
I stabbed someone in
the eye that night.
Why didn't I get a fucking medal?
I can't believe we are seriously
doing the fucking pub quiz.
What else are we going to do?
Sit in the Det and
wait for him to die?
~ He might not die.
~ Fucking hell, Simon!
C'mon, Medal, leave it out!
I can say that because
he respected me.
So, quiz time!
~ Quizwo!
~ Sir, do you think we really should...
Round one - current affairs.
Which now monopedal
ATO has stabilised
after his operation in Bastion
and is expected to pull through?
THEY CHEER
Oh, thank God. Thank fucking God.
Question two.
Which infantry private
is expected to make a full
recovery from his injuries?
THEY CHEER
Question three. Who will
be Bluestone 42's next ATO?
Oh, I know this one.
Captain Ellen Best.
Ooh, really, Sir? I've heard
she's a total try-hard...
.. who realises I'm only
saying things I don't mean
because it's the grief talking.
Hello, Bluestone 42.
A lot of grief. Hell
of a lot. Corporal Bird.
Well, nothing wrong
with being a try-hard.
Helps you be a 'succeed-hard.'
Absolutely. Lance Corporal
Simon Lansley.
Corporal House, ma'am.
Private MacDowell and
Private Armstrong.
Wow! Three-man escort?
Well, Nick was a really big asset.
Although he's recently become
a 20% smaller asset.
THEY CHUCKLE
I don't get it.
20% smaller.
HE LAUGHS
OK, Bluestone 42. Off we fuck!
THEY LAUGH
NICK CHUCKLES
Aw! It's from my team.
~ That's nice.
~ Yeah.
Get well soon.
Yeah, like my leg's
going to grow back(!)
Yes!
They won the quiz!
The Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge.
That looks fairly unhygienic.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, the bunch of bastards!
Jelly amputee?
Still, you know, I'm the lucky one.
With my team, my injury.
Not like my best mate, Steve.
Did I...
Did I mention Steve?
Oh, he was a good ATO.
No longer with us.
It was just outside Al Hartha...
100 soldiers...
.. are running about.
Do you need more detail than that?
Why are you so perky?
Well, when you've had a kid,
0500 feels like a lie-in.
Don't know why we have
to clear compounds at 5am.
You know the drill - it's
a time of our own choosing.
Not a time of my choosing.
I'd chose tea-time.
After a wank and a scone.
Boss, I know you went
to boarding school
but that's not what a cream tea is.
HE KNOCKS
Tired, boss? Been up
all night reading?
You what?
The books I lent you.
The Girl With The Dragon
Tattoo trilogy.
Enjoying them?
I'm enjoying not having
bothered to read them,
despite your continual
insistence that I should.
Right. Can I have them back then?
What, now?
We're on an operation, ya knob.
He's in one of his moods.
Shite. We need him sharp
for the pub quiz tonight.
We have got to win tonight!
Cos then we get to keep the
Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge!
He hasn't been himself
since Mary left.
Yeah. He just called me a knob.
But that's normal, Simon.
It was the way that he did
it. With real contempt.
But that's normal, Simon.
ATO! ATO!
Boss! Boss!
Cat A! Head high tripwire. Room five.
Another day, another unfucking.
Tatty bye, darlings.
And Simon.
HEAVY BREATHING
Where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?
Wait, don't get too close!
Shit! Shit! Shit! I'm going to die!
OK, everyone, calm the fuck down.
There's a fucking tripwire!
Yes. Breathe.
I'm the ATO, this is what I do.
OK, you two, out!
Me and Mr Pissy Pants
here need some privacy.
What's your name, Private?
Alderton, sir. Pete. Pete. Pete.
Listen, Pete.
You're going to be just fine.
But you will shit yourself every
time you hang up the washing.
HE MOANS OK, now, Pete,
I need you to keep...
your head... still.
~ Yeah.
~ Don't nod. Don't nod.
This wall...
It's full of explosives.
So don't move your fucking head.
I'm going to let go as
I have to gag the peg.
Oh.
No! No, no, no.
Let's just... we'll
do it this way. Yeah?
Oh, Pete, you are making
this really difficult.
Maybe we'll finally get a round
on genital deformities?
OK, OK. What's it called
if you've got three balls?
Freaky fucking shit?
The medical name.
Medics would call that
freaky fucking shit.
This is not helping. We need...
EXPLOSION
It's Private Alderton. Wait!
~ And Nick!
~ Shit!
~ Fucking hell!
~ You stupid bastard!
OK, you need to go in. What's
your threat assessment?
~ The route is clear. I'm going in.
~ OK. Go, go, go!
Whisky 54 Bravo, this is Bluestone
42 number 2's on his way in.
Come over here. Now drop that.
I need you to focus.
OK, hold that.
Boss! Boss!
Oh, you stupid, stupid bastard!
I didn't fuck up.
What? What happened?
I didn't fuck up.
~ Boss!
~ Get back!
~ Boss!
~ Get back! We need space. Get back!
Putting in an airway.
Hello, Zero Bravo, this is Charlie
One Alpha. MISTAT Over.
Charlie One Alpha, Zap Number Mike
Echo 1828. Mike. IED 1460...
Sierra, Alpha...
Nick!
~ Is he all right?
~ What do you fucking think?
OK, OK! Did he say anything?
"I didn't fuck up."
That's not how it bloody
looks though, is it?
We're being stood down.
Fuck!
Sir, any news?
Just heard from Bastion, he's
still critical, I'm afraid.
You're offline for 48
hours to see the Padre.
Simon, Bird, get his kit packed up.
Towerblock, the SAT is inbound.
He'll want a full report.
Mac, Rocket, bone up on your
trivia, ready for the quiz.
It's still on, sir?
With Nick in hospital?
Of course. The questions
are sitting on my desk.
I presume you want to win the
Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge
once and for all, fair and square?
Nick would have liked that.
Aye.
We will win that cup fair and squ...
~ We will win the cup.
~ Good.
So quiz tonight. Five rounds
of questions which are,
as I say, on my desk.
Carry on.
Thanks, Padre.
So you've been working
together for a while now.
I expect you've grown quite close?
Yes, very.
I liked him.
Not sure he liked me.
And he was quite rude to me.
~ So not close at all, really.
~ I see.
No, he was a good ATO,
but if you lent him, say, a book,
or a trilogy of books, you
wouldn't get them back.
Sorry, no, this is no time
to speak ill of the...
Actually, do we... is he...
Do we know, is he...?
Still critical as far as I know.
Good. I mean not good.
Good. I mean, good as in...
It's good that he's not... you know.
~ Sweetie?
~ Please!
Corporal House.
SAT. Sir. Sorry.
I was miles away.
Call me Mike. This is
the WISWO, Edgeways.
Edgeways, Corporal House.
Edgeways?
Cos he can't get a word in edgeways.
Is there any word from Bastion?
Well, Sheffield Wednesday
got stuffed 3-0,
but I suppose you're
not asking about that.
Nick's still in theatre.
So we'll need a first
look report today,
and then a full report
in a couple of days.
But I haven't...
I know this is your first one,
so I'll hold your hand through it.
But not like that, I'm not a Marine.
So let's start with the
layout of the room.
Well, he must have
fucked up, mustn't he?
He cuts corners.
He's not been himself for
the last few weeks. He...
Yeah, he probably thought, "Sod it,
I'll just not bother today, ey?"
We don't let the cowboys
become operators.
Except Edgeways, fucking chancer!
Sometimes it's just back luck.
It can't just be random.
I want to be an operator
not play Russian Roulette.
He must've done something...
Well, deal with this incident
like an operator.
And that'll be a big tick in the box.
Or you can deal with
it like a daft twat.
And that'll be a tick in
the box marked 'daft twat'.
So, do the plan. And then
we'll get the witnesses in.
We need the quiz questions.
You want quiz questions? Afghan
version of Trivial Pursuit.
Fun for all the family. Except
the women, of course.
We need the actual questions, Faruq.
Ah!
Didn't the Colonel say that he'd
left the questions on his desk?
I think he's just made
a very silly mistake.
Yeah. Great. Stick
it with the others.
Bird. Go and see the Padre.
Fuck off!
I'm not having some sky
pilot telling me that this
~ was "all part of God's plan."
~ You must be feeling that every...
I don't know how I'm feeling!
So how'd you know?
Fine.
So who are we going to get?
New ATO, I mean.
Bloody hell, Bird, you move on quick!
Nick's not even cold in
his... hos-hospital bed.
Wow, and I move on quick?
People get replaced, Simon. The
Army's kind of set up for that.
Well, at times like this I
think Nick would want us to...
Oh, brilliant! My book!
Oh, well, one of them at least.
Fuck's sake.
He's ruined it!
No respect.
Yeah, let's focus on the real
tragedy of today. Your book.
JAUNTY MUSIC
What's it say?
It's a to-do list.
One - wash socks.
Two - place quiz questions in safe.
Three - place keys in pizza oven.
So we need to wash our socks.
Interesting.
We had a boy like you in my village.
We left him in the mountains.
Nice.
I like mountains.
We won't get Stephens, too young.
Or Best, she's going
home. Thank fuck!
It will be Moncur.
Mmm shame, it would have been nice
to have a woman in the team.
You've already got one!
Yeah, well...
I suppose so.
What do you mean, "I suppose so"?
Do you want me to get my tits out?
Urgh! No!
What do you mean, "Urgh! No!"?
It's... Oh, great, Towerblock!
You alreet, lad?
Any news?
Has Nick shuffled off into...
.. into the recovery ward?
Still in theatre.
What about a new ATO?
SAT said anything?
I think his exact words
were that he won't know
until he's waded through
a river of Army shitocracy.
~ Right.
~ Anyway, we're going back to the compound
but I said you wouldn't want to
come cos you must be feeling...
Will people stop telling
me how I must be feeling?
Why? Does that make you feel angry?
HE SNIGGERS
Let's go.
So what's it looking
like? Did Nick fuck up?
Did someone else fuck up?
Dunno. The SAT says it
was just bad luck, but...
But what?
It can't be.
If it's just random then this whole
job's just a roll of the dice!
If no-one's fucked up then
we're fucked, aren't we?
What makes you think
we're not fucked?
Does paper beat key?
Paper beats rock, numpty.
And this must be a combination lock.
Paper does not beat rock.
I think you have never
been to a stoning.
Well, this is it.
If you need to take a moment, Bird.
I am actually fine, OK?
I just...
Um, I need to take a moment.
Oi, we should get to work.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's find what's
left of this device.
What?
Device. Singular.
At the risk of sounding like Yoda,
open your fucking mind you must.
That's in the Director's Cut, is it?
Sorry.
You're assuming that there
was only one device
that Nick was working on,
that Nick must've triggered.
Because you're assuming he fucked up!
Because nothing we've found out so
far has suggested that he didn't!
Or that he did!
Could be two devices.
Could be two triggers.
You know this stuff!
Heading for the daft
twat box, you are.
Get out, reboot and fucking
come back in again.
You too, eh?
Yeah.
I've got to clear my head.
Just don't know what's up with me.
I do.
You've got a kid.
Eh?
You're thinking you don't want
to be an operator if you can do
everything right and still get
randomly turned into pink mist.
Not fair on your sprog.
Yeah...
Maybe that's it.
So the moral of the story...?
Keep an open mind.
No!
Never have kids!
HE LAUGHS
Better get back in.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling like I really
don't want to talk about it.
Personal.
Work.
Work.
Very personal. God!
Personal. Oh, God!
You're kidding me!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Bloody hell!
Everything all right, Corporal?
This is... This is a
medal. He's uh... Medal?
Yes. He was writing you up for one.
For the night-time ambush.
When you fixed bayonets.
Medal.
Yes. You'll find out in a month.
So till then, keep it under your hat.
Or helmet, I believe they're
called. Carry on.
HE CHUCKLES
4-3-6-2.
X marks the spot.
A plan of the base!
My cousin in the Taliban
has this map.
Don't worry, it's probably
not for work.
Oh!
And then they have to
find a combination lock.
Keeping them busy.
What's the first rule?
Keep them busy.
I once spent ten hours sitting
in a boiling ISO in Basra
waiting to hear if my Sergeant
Major would pull through.
Didn't enjoy it.
Good to give them a run-around.
So, when they have the map
then they can find this key.
Oh, shitsticks! Already?
I've got ten seconds before they realise
they've got the map the wrong way round.
ALL: Ah!
Padre.
Sir.
Sir, it's taped up.
He had rendered it safe.
So?
He didn't fuck up.
So what did happen?
Um...
OK, a...
A secondary, or two triggers.
Two... trip wires. The
head high one here.
And then the other...
It must've been here.
So Nick gags the peg, he sorts
the head high wire but Alderton's
so all-over-the-place that
he goes for the wrong door,
hits the second trip wire and...
And today's special
is the shit sandwich.
Ah.
Thanks for coming here, Padre.
Cos this has to be
in total confidence.
So, I went to see where it happened,
and do you know what I felt?
I felt glad. Like Nick deserved it.
Only for a moment but I thought,
"Yeah, yeah, this feels
like God's plan."
~ I'm not sure that's...
~ Not finished.
Ever since me and Nick shagged...
You as well? I mean, sorry, do go on.
Thank you.
He's cast this lanky,
condescending shadow over me,
my place in the team, my career...
So, you feel glad?
Not now, sicko! For a moment!
Obviously I'm not glad he's hurt.
I just think not seeing him for
a bit's going to be good for me.
Let's just hope he pulls through.
He'll be fine. Always is.
As soon as he comes round
he'll be trying to fuck a nurse
with his 'Best Mate Steve' story.
Cheers, Padre.
~ What?
~ Where are the questions?
Ooh, hello, chaps, didn't
expect to see you here!
BOTH: Sir! Erm, no,
we were we just...
I presume you're here to
help me ball my socks?
~ Aye.
~ No.
I mean... aye!
Right! What's next
on the old to-do list?
Hide quiz questions in safe.
Ooh, that slipped my mind.
Here they are on the desk,
under the to-do list.
~ Stupid!
~ Ah, right!
~ What the hell are you doing?
~ You were leading us to the questions!
No, I was keeping you busy!
If you're going to win
the Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge,
you win it fair and square.
Now finish balling my socks!
So it wasn't an error of
drill or an error in drill.
It was just some guy - panicking.
Bad luck?
Kind of. But bad luck
that you can understand.
And not random.
Anything else?
~ Just some paperwork for the WISWO.
~ WISWO.
Couple of IED reports,
requisition forms and oh,
an honours nomination form. Now,
that's gone in the wrong pile.
What? Someone's getting a medal?
Oh, must be.
Nick was writing YOU up for a medal?
~ What?!
~ Oh? Was he?
Oh, yeah!
Probably best not to
mention that to anyone.
You just mentioned it. Medal!
Yeah. Medal.
~ I haven't got one yet so...
~ I think we're done here.
OK, lads. I spoke to Bastion.
Nick's lost his leg at the knee.
~ Fuck!
~ But he's going to make it, right?
Still a bit touch and go.
He's back in theatre.
More internal bleeding.
We should know more in an hour.
Let's go get a brew - wait
this out together, hey?
I stabbed someone in
the eye that night.
Why didn't I get a fucking medal?
I can't believe we are seriously
doing the fucking pub quiz.
What else are we going to do?
Sit in the Det and
wait for him to die?
~ He might not die.
~ Fucking hell, Simon!
C'mon, Medal, leave it out!
I can say that because
he respected me.
So, quiz time!
~ Quizwo!
~ Sir, do you think we really should...
Round one - current affairs.
Which now monopedal
ATO has stabilised
after his operation in Bastion
and is expected to pull through?
THEY CHEER
Oh, thank God. Thank fucking God.
Question two.
Which infantry private
is expected to make a full
recovery from his injuries?
THEY CHEER
Question three. Who will
be Bluestone 42's next ATO?
Oh, I know this one.
Captain Ellen Best.
Ooh, really, Sir? I've heard
she's a total try-hard...
.. who realises I'm only
saying things I don't mean
because it's the grief talking.
Hello, Bluestone 42.
A lot of grief. Hell
of a lot. Corporal Bird.
Well, nothing wrong
with being a try-hard.
Helps you be a 'succeed-hard.'
Absolutely. Lance Corporal
Simon Lansley.
Corporal House, ma'am.
Private MacDowell and
Private Armstrong.
Wow! Three-man escort?
Well, Nick was a really big asset.
Although he's recently become
a 20% smaller asset.
THEY CHUCKLE
I don't get it.
20% smaller.
HE LAUGHS
OK, Bluestone 42. Off we fuck!
THEY LAUGH
NICK CHUCKLES
Aw! It's from my team.
~ That's nice.
~ Yeah.
Get well soon.
Yeah, like my leg's
going to grow back(!)
Yes!
They won the quiz!
The Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge.
That looks fairly unhygienic.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, the bunch of bastards!
Jelly amputee?
Still, you know, I'm the lucky one.
With my team, my injury.
Not like my best mate, Steve.
Did I...
Did I mention Steve?
Oh, he was a good ATO.
No longer with us.
It was just outside Al Hartha...