Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Tying the Not - full transcript

♪ ♪

I swear to God I didn't think

they could get more things
going on a pizza.

But they did.
This pizza has a churro crust,

but the outer edge is a pretzel
filled with cheese.

One of the toppings on this
pizza is just tinier pizzas.

And don't forget about
the seven-layer dipping sauce

in a giant bowl made of Cheetos.

But that's not all, y'all.

- Check it out, double-sided pizza.
- [all gasp]

And we got four of these for
eight dollars. [sniffs]



Wait, something smells burnt.

[all sniffing]

Is there a burnt layer
to this pizza?

- [smoke alarm beeping]
- Oh, my God, something's on fire!

[all scream]

- [grunts]
- No, not my white zin, y'all.

It's seasonal!

[grunts]
Yeah, come on, get some.

Well, here's the problem.

Have y'all not been cleaning
the lint trap?

Oh, my Lord,
you got to clean the lint trap.

No, I don't, Wayne.
That is a myth.

- It is not a myth.
- It is definitely a myth.

- A myth started by corporate butts to turn us all into...
- Jenny, you got to clean



- the lint trap. It says so on the lint trap.
- ...lint-trap cleaning sheeples.

Wayne, I have never met
a single person in my life

who cleans out their lint trap.

Everyone cleans
their lint trap, Jenny.

Then why aren't they saying so?

If everyone cleaned out
their lint trap,

people would be talking
about lint traps... all the time.

Yeah, all those idiots
that clean their lint traps

are probably too embarrassed
to talk about it.

If I would've guessed
what was gonna catch on fire,

I would've put my money
on that plug ball from hell.

[electricity crackling]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Well, good news is
the damage is mostly cosmetic.

Bad news is cleanup's
gonna take at least a week.

Jenny, I know you feel weird

- about staying over at my place...
- No. I don't. [scoffs]

I mean, what? [chuckles]

- Calm down, Wayne, right?
- Mom, he's right.

Whenever we've had
to stay at Wayne's,

you've turned into a total freak.

Remember when those skunks

started a fight club
in our crawlspace

and we had to go to Wayne's
while the house aired out?

You lasted, like, ten minutes.

And in that time, started, like,
ten different pointless fights.

♪ ♪

- Jenny.
- What? It's just a hairbrush.

Jenny, I told you that NASCAR
throw is a collector's item.

Oh, come on. It's just
a little makeup, it'll come out.

[grunting] Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, damn it.

Jenny, I asked you
to at least leave a path.

Sorry, I was about to
clean it up. [clatter]

I don't purposely start fights.
Wayne's just too uptight.

That's why we live apart.

Jenny, this is
an emergency scenario.

It's-it's just temporary.

Yeah, I know. We'll crash
at your place for a few days.

Just a quick crash, you know.
Not a big deal.

Cool, cool, cool.

All right, well, let's all hop
on the "Cool Cool Cool Express"

to Train-Wreck Town.

Okay, you guys,
welcome to Casa de Wayne.

[laughs]
Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, but not too comfortable.

- You know, since we're just crashing.
- Betty, you'll love this,

I've been leeching cable off
my neighbor, Dr. Chakrabarti,

and she gets the full package.

She must be rich as Croesus.
Look at these channels:

Ion, Telemundo, Tumor Network.

Oh, dang, that one's
got teeth and hair. [gasps]

Uh-oh. Oh, here we go.

Unsolved Mysteries marathon
on the Christian Crime Network.

Mother, haven't you seen all
of them already, like, 20 times?

They unearthed some
Unsolved Mysteries episodes

that had mysteriously gone missing.

That in itself
was an Unsolved Mystery.

So, yeah, hey, are you eating
yogurt with a fork?

Is this bothering you, Wayne,

the way I am choosing
to eat my yogurt?

[thinking] Okay, she's just trying
to get a rise out of you, Wayne.

Don't react.

Don't even let your face
make an involuntary twitch.

Damn it, she smells blood.

Oops. Oh, I spilled
on your Peterbilt rug.

Who has carpet in their kitchen?

Oh, here we go,
fight number one.

Ugh. Jenny, what is your deal?

I don't have a deal.
Deal or no deal? I'm no deal.

Let's see what the banker says.
Ring, ring, ring.

Oh, he says I don't have a deal.

You're being weird.
I'm gonna go get some air.

- Oh, hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.
- CHAKRABARTI: Wayne!

♪ Do, do, do, do. ♪

Jenny, you must have a headache

from all those wedding bells
you're hearing.

I heard you and Wayne
finally moved in together.

Oh, Jenny, it's about time.

Louise, Wayne and I
are not getting married.

We are only crashing at his place
because of the dryer fire.

Oh, I forgot.

You've got your silly, little
"issues" with marriage.

- What? No, I don't.
- You're missing out, Jenny.

My wedding to Daniel
was the best moment of my life.

Well, you need
to do more stuff then.

- Oh, he is gonna propose.
- No. That's not what he's...

Jenny, you should have your
reception here at the Last Supper.

Oh, a beautiful
Monday morning reception,

'cause Saturdays are our
busiest days, and Sundays,

so we'll have
to work around that.

- Not getting married, Louise!
- Probably are, though.

Maybe I'll get to be
your "boss of honor."

♪ Do, doo, do-do ♪

♪ Do, do, do... ♪

JENNY: So Wayne's just
acting like a maniac

with us living in his trailer,

and we're just trying
to power through.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I love him,
but he is out of control.

Living together
is all about compromise.

Which, luckily, I don't have to
do 'cause I don't live with Wayne.

Jenny, I'm no therapist,
but I did make all the therapists,

and I think you're freaking out
because living together

feels like a step
towards marriage.

- [coughs] Horse crap.
- And it's bringing up a lot of stuff

about Violet's dad
and how you felt pressured

by everyone to marry him.

Did you just cough
and say "horse crap"?

Jesus, I'm not talking about
Don Reynolds today or any day.

I'm just saying, that was
the only other person

you lived with and that ended
a-real a-crazy.

Why did you say it like that?

I'm trying
a sassy best friend thing.

- Um... no.
- Okrrr!

Catch me up.

This guy's called
the "Grits Box Strangler."

He was local,
operating out of Lenoir.

With a string of violent crimes

throughout central North Carolina,
only one woman

ever encountered the Grits Box
Strangler and lived.

Who could've survived
that killing machine?

Wonder Woman?

Her name?
Crystalynn Poole.

- What? No way!
- Whoa! Plot twist.

I remember that day
like it was yesterday.

I was at the ATM
getting cash for church

because I'm a big-time tither.

Before I knew it,
he'd pulled me into his truck.

I was terrified,
but I calmly asked him,

"Young man, would you
like to pray with me?"

And he did. Luckily,

there was one other person
in that car that day.

The Holy Spirit.

BETTY: Oh, Lord.
How many nose hairs did she pull

to get those tears to squirt out?

I don't know.
She was almost murdered.

Something's up. My working theory
is that she faked it somehow.

I live in fear every day.

In fear that I'm gonna
expose your flat ass.

[chittering]

Wayne, where did you
put my phone cord?

I know I left it sitting
on top of my suitcase.

I didn't touch it. I know better
than to touch your stuff.

[chuckles] Whoa, okay.
Take it down a notch.

You're being
a little crazy right now.

Do you hear yourself?

Okay, for the sake
of our relationship,

I'm gonna go get
another dose of air.

There's a phone cord
in the junk drawer.

- Hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.
- CHAKRABARTI: Wayne!

Oh, "for the sake of our
relationship." So dramatic.

Paper clips, Post-its,

big rubber bands, ring box,
small rubber bands...

Wait, ring box?

Oh, horse crap.

[sighs] Thanks for meeting
me here, Brenda.

Hey, I was here when you called.
So, what's up?

This. I found it
in Wayne's drawer.

- Is this what I think it is?
- BRENDA: Oh, man.

An engagement ring?
You must be farting fire, girl.

[laughs] 'Cause you got an epic
big old problem with marriage.

Why is everyone up my butt
about this?

Jenny, y'all, I was at
that three-ring circus

that was almost
your wedding to Don Reynolds.

That mess was a-real ca-razy.

♪ ♪

[shuddering]

LOUISE:
Uh-oh, Jenny, you're pregnant.

Well, now you have
to get married.

BETTY: Jenny, he's rich.
You have to marry him.

CRYSTALYNN: Honey, you
are a woman in America.

You have to get married.

BRENDA: Should I have worn
underwear with this dress?

Dearly beloved,

marriage is forever.

Honor thy husband
and obey thy husband.

You must obey...

[overlapping]
Obey. Forever. Forever.

Obey.

[guests gasping]
♪
♪

- [shouts]
- [geese honking]

[grunts]

- [cloth rips]
- [shouts]

Jenny, no.
Think about my future.

Stop that woman!

USHER: We got a runner!
[grunting]

[all shouting]

[grunting]

[all gasping]

[neighing]

[laughs]

First time on a horse.

In a wedding dress,
fully with child.

I am not mad at it.

Oh, God. I bet Wayne's
gonna ask me to marry him.

[shouts]

- I know, right?
- No, Slusherito brain freeze.

- [shouts, slurping]
- Well, don't chug more.

♪ ♪

Betty, what the hell?

I saw you on Unsolved Mysteries.

You're lying about encountering
the Grits Box Strangler.

- You made the whole thing up to get on TV.
- Wrong!

I earned a coveted spot on that
show by being almost murdered.

And Robert Stacks
himself told me

that my story was one of the
most harrowing he'd ever seen.

- You met my Robert Stacks?
- Met him?

He gave me one of his
signature trenches.

[sniffing, exhales]

- I can still smell the Stacks.
- [gasps] That is ill-gotten!

I've played bridge with you
for years, and you got a tell.

In your interview, your
eyebrow was flopping around

like a caterpillar on Sanka.

I'm gonna prove you were lying.

So get ready to have your
mystery solved for all to see.

- [shouts]
- You got it all wrong, Betty.

My story is airtight.

Also, Sanka's decaffeinated,

so a caterpillar on Sanka
wouldn't flop at all.

Your analogy makes no sense.

♪ ♪

- Dang it.
- Oh, I don't think I got it wrong.

I think I got it oh, so right.

And maybe that caterpillar
was flopping around

because he loves the rich,
full-bodied taste of coffee

without the downsides of caffeine.

♪ ♪

- [tires screech]
- [bell ringing]

BETTY: Ha!

♪ ♪

- Dang it!
- Oh.

[panting]
Let's pick this up t-tomorrow.

- Want the lights on?
- Off is fine.

♪ ♪

- Why are we doing this?
- 'Cause we love each other.

And 'cause everyone else
is doing it.

[screaming]

You ready to talk
about this yet?

- Talk about what?
- Oh, wow. Okay.

Well, you're having a dream where you're

in a wedding gown and
falling to your death.

You are terrified
of getting married,

and you just need to admit it,
Frasier's DeNiles Crane.

Oh. Great reference, Jesus.

Yeah. I've been catching up
on all the '90s classics.

Friends, Mad About You,
Sister, Sister.

Will you just tell me
what you're here to tell me?

Okay, here goes:
Wayne's not Don.

- That's it?
- That's it.

- Holy guacamole!
- CHiPs!

Sorry, I was dreaming about
that old motorcycle cop show.

♪ ♪

I think I got it.

VIOLET: Gram,
i'm on the unsolved wiki,

and the grits box
strangler's been sitting

in a jail in South
Carolina for 15 years.

Too bad we can't
just talk to him

and ask him
if he remembers Crystalynn.

- [engine starts]
- Gram?

[tires screeching]

JENNY: Wayne, I know why
you brought me here,

and guess what,
it's not gonna work.

- 'Cause you forgot to bring this.
- What?

CHARLES: Hey, everybody,
it's a restaurant proposal!

He's gonna propose to her!

Except she's the one
that put the ring down.

Different times, brother.
Different times.

- Who run the world?
- Girls!

Why can't you guys sit together?

- You're both eating alone.
- Just go sit together!

Jenny, what are you doing
with that?

Is this or is this not
an engagement ring?

[sighs]
It's my meemaw's ring.

She gave it to me
because she was afraid

Uncle Tommy would sell it or eat it.

So you never intended
to propose to me?

Okay, sure, I'll confess.

There was a point when
I did want to propose,

but I know I can't because
of your thing about marriage.

[chuckles] Oh, oh.
Oh, so I'm the problem?

I'm the one standing
between you and happiness?

I didn't say that. I just...

I know you don't want
to be married.

Why does everyone think
I don't want to be married?

Because you've said so
on multiple occasions?

Okay, well, maybe
I'm changing my mind.

Okay, then!
Do you want to get married?

- I don't know. Do you?
- I do.

Okay, well, I guess
we're frickin' engaged!

I guess we frickin' are!

Well, what are you waiting
for, dummies? Clap for us!

[quiet clapping]

[chittering]

Hey, guys. What's up?

Hi, Violet. Great news!
We just got engaged.

Yeah!
We're getting married.

This seems like a cool situation
I've walked into.

Oh, it's the coolest.

I can't wait to start
planning the wedding.

'Cause no one's gonna tell me
I have issues with marriage!

I'm ready to start planning
right now.

- Unless you want to wait.
- Nope. Why wait?

When you know you're doing

exactly the thing
you're supposed to do, right?

Let's go, Wayne!

- Hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.
- CHAKRABARTI: Oh, hey. Where's Wayne?

Wayne, I know she's a-real
ca-razy right now,

but why are you
going through with this?

I'm not gonna be the one to say
I don't want to get married.

Because then,
forever and ever, amen,

I'm the one who didn't want
to get married,

and Jenny is not
putting that on me!

♪ In too deep,
in too deep, can't quit! ♪

♪ In too deep ♪

- ♪ In too deep, can't quit! ♪
- ♪ I'm makin' a point ♪

♪ And no one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ It sounds crazy,
but that doesn't faze me ♪

- ♪ Tasting buttercreams ♪
- ♪ Yum-yum! ♪

♪ Choosing chicken or fish ♪

♪ You can't stop me
from getting cake toppers ♪

♪ And pickin' peonies ♪

♪ I'll find a folksy
barn space ♪

♪ Where we'll sit
on bales of hay ♪

♪ Hay-hey-hey-hey-hey ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in too deep,
can't quit ♪

♪ In too deep, in too deep ♪

- ♪ Can't quit ♪
- ♪ Oh, no! ♪

[door buzzes]

- Did you ever almost strangle this woman?
- It's hard to say.

When I first started strangling,

I had the eye holes
way too small.

Once I accidentally
strangled a mop.

She claims she started praying

right before you were about
to turn her lights out.

Well, they all kind of did that.

- Thanks for nothing, Grits Head.
- I just go by Kevin now.

I'm a changed man.
I really worked on myself.

I got on meds.
I work in the library.

I know everyone's birthdays,
too, yeah.

Yeah, I'm the birthday guy.

Sounds like you were more
interesting the other way.

Time's up, Kevin.

Holy munchkin!

So, you excited?
His birthday's tomorrow.

[hangs up phone]

[birds chirping]

Betty, if you're in here,
you can't scare me.

- [screams]
- I'm afraid the tall tale

you told Unsolved Mysteries

about the Grits Box Stranger
came up...

short.
I had a little sit-down

with the GBS, "little" being
the operative word here.

Let's just say
some of the details

of your story
need to be heightened.

- Spit it out, dummy.
- He's short! Short as hell.

A total hobbit, y'all.
Which means there's no way

the real GBS would've been seen

behind your early '90s bouffant.

You got someone else to
put that box on his head

and stage the abduction.

Okay, fine.
I made the whole thing up.

I just wanted to meet Robert Stacks

and solve the mystery
of what was under that trench!

Ugh!
Who are you gonna tell?

Oh, I just might mention it
to Binh Ly at Fancy Nails.

I don't care about that.
I don't even go there.

But you know who does?
Loretta Dix.

- Don't care.
- Who goes mall walking

- with Ronnie Anne Lewiston.
- Means nothing to me.

- Who's in a book club with Latrice Beasley.
- Never heard of her.

Who plays pickleball
with Noreen Blix,

who I believe
goes to your church.

Not Noreen!
Dammit, Betty, name your price.

I might could think of something
that would keep me quiet.

If you have any information
about the butt-whooping

that you just saw,
our operators are standing by.

♪ ♪

[door opens]

Mother, where have you been?

Oh, just down in South Carolina

having a face-to-face sit-down
with a serial killer.

- What's going on here?
- Oh, not much.

Just Wayne and Mom are locked
in a stupid game of chicken

that will result in them
being married.

No. We are deeply in love.

And so society won't brand us
total freaks, we're getting married.

Don't worry, Violet.
She'll never go through with it.

This one's got big-time
marriage issues.

Bet they haven't even set a date.

Um, did somebody say
we haven't set a date?

What's today's date?
'Cause that's the date.

- Today?!
- What's wrong, Wayne?

- Don't want to get married?
- No, I-I do.

Everyone put your shoes on.
We're going to the courthouse.

So I guess nobody's gonna ask me

about Robert Stacks' trench coat?

[sniffs]

Mmm...

- [indistinct chatter]
- [gavel taps]

All right, who's next?

Oh. A wedding.

- Yep.
- Sure is.

Yup. Just like most weddings,

an entire parking lot
saw the bride change in the car.

Okay, y'all seem real angry,

and that's coming
from a city employee,

but I'll do my best to make
this special for y'all, okay?

Dearly beloved,
blobbity-blob, special day,

love is patient and kind,

bleegitty-bloo, tears in heaven,

sickness and health...
ooh, text from my daughter...

marriage is work, deedly-do,
blah-blah, etcetera, etcetera.

Do y'all have vows?

- [sighs] I wrote some vows.
- Just read them.

"Dear Wayne, I do have issues
with marriage."

- Ugh. Okay, you know what?
- Read.

"What we have is so perfect

I'm afraid to change
anything about it.

I infinity love you,

all the way to the Moon
and back,

and I don't need a piece
of paper to prove it.

And we both know I'm never
gonna empty the lint trap."

- Wait, it just ends like that?
- Wayne? Now you read.

"Dear Jenny, I promise
I won't get all up your butt

about the damn lint trap anymore.

You fill up the lint trap
in my heart

because you make me feel
all warm and fuzzy."

Oh, you captured my voice.

- [sniffs]
- "I think this relationship is perfect, too,

and I don't even want
to get married,

because you are my family
until forever."

- Violet, your vows were perfect.
- Thank you, Peanut.

- Without this ring, I don't be wed.
- [crying] I don't, either!

Okay, well, that wedding
was a-real ca-razy.

I don't know
what to pronounce you two.

Don't pronounce them anything.
They're fine the way they are.

- This is the reception.
- [dance music starts playing]

Oh, y'all.
I wish Ed was here

so he could see his daughter
not get married

in such a beautiful dumb-butt way.

♪ Love shack is a little
old place where ♪

- [cheering and applause]
- ♪ We can get together... ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang,
on the door, baby ♪

♪ Knock a little louder, sugar ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang
on the door, baby ♪

[vocalizing]

- [balloon pops]
- ALL: Ooh!

No! Y'all don't worry about me.
Go back to dancing.

You got the room
for another ten minutes.

- ♪ On the door, baby, bang, bang ♪
- [balloons pop]

Sorry. Just trying to clean up
before the next group. [balloon pops]

- Shoot. Sorry.
- [balloon pops]

- Sorry.
- [balloon pops]

- Sorry.
- [balloons popping]

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

ALL: ♪ Tin roof... rusted. ♪