Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Mega-Lo-Memories - full transcript

So... it's almost Thanksgiving.

And you know what that means...

Black Friday Eve!

What are you gonna buy?

Violet doesn't want to
do our normal thing this year.

She's got some crazy idea

of doing something different
this Thanksgiving.

Oh, Violet and her beautiful,
wild imagination.

- So what does she want to do?
- She thinks we should

just sit around
and eat a big turkey dinner

and talk to each other
and give thanks.



- Whaaat...?
- I know, right? Violet doesn't get

what Thanksgiving's really about:

wolfing down your food
as fast as you can,

freezing your ass off in line at
the Mega-Lo-Mart until midnight,

and then stampeding in to fight
your friends and neighbors

for unheard-of savings on
brand-name products.

Oh, I'm gonna miss it
so bad this year.

But I guess we'll just do
a traditional Thanksgiving.

You know what drives me a little
crazy about Thanksgiving?

No one thinks about their grace
until the last minute,

and then it's just
all over the place.

It's like spiritual tax day,
and I'm the only accountant.

Not to mention the fact
that everyone starts with,

"Thank you, Lord,
for this wonderful meal,"



and that's the one part I didn't do!

It's like, thank your
freakin' mom, people.

- Preach!
- I am.

Mm.

Ah.

Isn't this lovely?

Doesn't it feel nice
to just sit down together?

Share this very nice meal?

Hmm.

This is already better
than wrestling with strangers

- over a robot vacuum cleaner.
- Oh! Are those on sale?

- Mom...
- Yep.

Feels great to do it your way
this year, Violet.

- Does it?
- Mm, Bible, Bible, Bible, Bible.

John's 3:16s.
Holy Ghost.

Oh, Lord,
just let me have a taste

of my sweet, sweet
door busters circular.

Crock-Pots are buy one get one free.

I'll tell you what's a crock,
this Thanksgiving.

Practically everything's half off.

Martha Steward bedspreads...

Pleat-front cargo capris
by Michael Kors...

Over-the-ear noise-cancelling
headphones by Skullcandy.

Oh, come on, you guys.

See you never, Jean Naté
After-Bath Splash

with Moisture Replenishing
Complex Gift Set by Jovan.

Okay. Well, let us pray.

Dear Heavenly Father...

Please bless us,
this beautiful family.

And, Lord, please bless our
loved ones who have passed on.

Let's see...

George Michaels,
Jim Varney, aka "Hey, Vern."

Um, who else... who else?

Oh, Mork from Ork. Sears,

Roy Clarkson...
oh, Macho Randy Savage,

Princess Leias, of course.

Let's see, what else? I'm thankful
that stars are just like us.

- I'm thankful for those who wore it best.
- Just say amen. Just say amen.

- Amen, Mother. Say amen.
- And praying for those who did not.

- Amen. Say amen.
- Plus, bless our troops.

May this be their last year
in the Middle East.

And please, please,

bring Randy Quaid back to us,
how he was.

- Thank you, amen.
- Good Lord!

That was insane.

Mother, your grace took so long,
the gravy grew skin.

Ugh, let me nuke it real quick.

- Who wants to hit the lights and TV?
- I'll do it.

And that's a go
for nuke-a-fication.

Okay, here we go.

- Ouch!
- That microwave is gonna turn us all

into Myrtle Streebs from Silkwood.

Yeah, it melted my acrylics
the other night.

You know what?
This stops now.

I'm gonna fix that microwave
right quick.

Remember the Thanksgiving

when we first bought
this microwave?

- Black Friday, ten years ago.
- Yeah.

Unbelievable. This family
has worshipped Black Friday

for so long,
there's folklore about it.

Oh, hush. It's actually
a really beautiful story.

Violet, you were just a toddler...

- Bless Britney and Kevin Fenderleen,
- Mm. Mm.

may their love endure
for many centuries to come.

Bless the troops, may this be
their last year in the Middle East.

Thank you, Lord,
for Randy Quaid's

dramatic turn
in Brokeback Mountains.

Boy, is he on a hot streak
that just will not end.

- Amen.
- Okay, bag it up.

- White meat or dark meat?
- Both. Cranberry sauce?

Are you really asking me that?
Oh, don't forget the potatoes.

Jenny, I'm not gonna forget
the potatoes.

Ah.

Good turkey this year, Mother.

Haven't gotten there yet.
I'm still tunneling through

- this green bean casserole.
- Mm.

Uh-oh, my spork punctured
the gravy bag.

Gonna have to suck it out
like an astronaut.

You put a dumb sale ahead of
your child, your grandchild?

Listen, you were safe and sound
in your stroller.

And you ate almost an entire
baggie of green bean casserole.

- You loved it.
- Okay. And it is fixed.

Well, now it does that.

Oh, look at her.

- Ooh.
- It's even got a carousel.

And you know what that means?
Even heat.

Jenny! What item are you ready
to die for tonight?

Oh, well, I'm here to snag me
a microwave.

I cannot wait to knock
some noggins together.

My dream is that it gets
so crazy in there

that I can just loot.

- I didn't even bring my wallet.
- Mona?

- Brenda, look at that guy, y'all.
- Mona?

Mona? Mona?

The most fake-ass name
I've ever heard in my life.

- He's about to cut.
- Mona? Mona?

On it!

- No cutting.
- Mona?

We all know there's no Mona.
Back of the line.

- Mona?
- Shut up.

Oh, y'all.

All the crazies
have come out tonight.

- What's the plan, baby?
- We're gonna bypass electronics

'cause there's gonna be
a big log jam right here

with the flat-screen melees.
So, we're gonna take

the northern route towards
appliances by zig-zagging

through maternity, 'cause
those ladies are slow;

then, we're heading to intimates
to kitchenwares

- via the garden center. Boom!
- Very clever, Jenny.

- I taught you well.
- And then it's just

a straight shot
over to women's footwear.

Where I'm gonna pick me up a
timeless pair of pink UGG-ugs.

Mother, they're just called UGGs.

UGG-ug-ree to disagree.

But it doesn't matter.
We got this.

Up high, Violet.

Aw... baby's first turkey coma.

I can't believe it, my babies!
I'm very first in line.

I've been here for four days.

Help! I'm pinned!
I was immediately pinned.

- Ugh.
- Hey. Watch it.

Watch it, dumbass!
Lady with a baby!

Son of a... sporting goods?

That should be beauty
and personal care.

They rearranged the whole store!

Oh, corporate butts.

Don't fight it.
Just swim with the tide, y'all.

- Good luck with your UGGs!
- It's UGG-ugs!

Behold!
Capitalism at its worst!

Or is it capitalism at its best?

Come to Mama.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Crystalynn!
So nice to see you.

But it looks like you're
mistakenly clutching something

that belongs to me.

Betty, our Lord and Savior
really did bless you

with a wonderful sense of humor.

- Now let go of my UGG-ugs.
- Cut it, Crystalynn.

I don't have time
for these fake niceties.

And I don't have time
not to be with my UGG-ugs.

Now please get your dirty,
sooty racoon paws off my UGG-ugs.

- They're my UGG-ugs, you ho-bag!
- So tacky. Stop pulling

- on my UGG-ugs.
- No, you stop! You're the one

- stretching them to begeebus.
- I need these to wear

to church!

Well, way to go, Crystalynn.
You beheaded the last pair.

I should whip your boo-heiny
with this here sole.

Stop flapping your commode lips.

Thanks to your animal behavior,
neither of us have UGG-ugs.

Oh, Hades, no.

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, hey, Jenny.

Do-do-do-do.

Have you met my
special friend Daniel?

Oh, yeah.
Mother bought her CRX

from his family's car dealership.

- Hi, Daniel.
- Daniel... stop.

Daniel wants me to buy some
intimates from the sleepwear sections.

He just can't get enough of me.
Oh, do-do-do-do!

Well, I'll leave you to your...

Now, where did those
corporate butts hide you?

'Cause I'm gonna find you,

thousand W twin-touch
microwave by LeChef.

Help! I'm pinned by this
carrot-nosed Pinocchio.

So you lost me in a Super
Mega-Lo-Mart on Black Friday?

Okay, I did not lose you.
You ran away.

And it took years off my life.
I was beside myself,

frantically running around
that store screaming.

Somebody help.
Somebody help!

Help me. That woman's
hoarding all the UGG-ugs!

Ma'am, it's Black Friday.

We're all just trying
to stay alive in here.

Get away, you animals.
I'm on break!

Crystalynn, I don't
care for you at all.

But I think we need to
team up on this one.

Extreme situations
call for extreme measures.

- So it's a devil's bargain, then.
- Let's roll.

Sir, I'm looking for
a LeChef microwave.

Are you hiding some in the back?

This is Mega-Lo-Mart.
The whole store is the back.

I think there's a floor model
on the border

of housewares and electronics.

- Thank you.
- But I have to warn you.

It's the clearance section.
It's basically lawless.

Management pulled all employees
out of there 15 minutes ago.

Some real good guys,
they didn't make it out.

Here, take my gun.

Oh, uh, okay,
if you think I need it.

A price gun?
Oh, in case I need to...

- Cause a distraction.
- Cause a distraction. Yes.

Wow. Thank you.
What's your name?

I wish it mattered.

Hmm...

Keep your eyes peeled
for that Shop-Vac, Leonard.

On it, doggone it.
But I do think

we should figure out what
our new joint-venture business

is gonna be before we
start buying gear for it.

It's either gonna be a forensic
crime scene cleanup business

or a mobile car wash.

Either way, we're gonna need
a Shop-Vac.

Oh, what's that?

Looks like this little girl
wandered away from her mama.

Hi there, little lady.

I'm Wayne.

And you are...

Smart.
Don't talk to strangers.

Wayne, do not get attached.

We are not equipped
to raise this baby.

The formula specifically calls
for three men and a baby.

And we are clearly short
one Steve Guttenberg.

I can't just leave her.
I bet her family's worried sick.

Oh, of course she's
heading over to the soft pretzels.

She's probably gonna use a
popcorn bucket for her Slurpee.

This is not very Christian of me,
but look at that fat ass.

I say we bum-rush her right now.

- Brandon!
- Oh.

- Dustin!
- Ooh.

Come watch my cart while

I get some jalapeño dip
for my pretzel.

No go on the bum-rush.

Looks like she birthed
half a football team.

Out of her fat butt.

Lord, forgive me, but you know
everyone's thinking it.

Don't worry, Violet,

I've been doing Black Friday
since I was your age.

You couldn't be safer.

You lose your way, full-pricer?

Oh, my Lord!

Aah! Oh, Jenny, it's just
a Halloween decoration.

Git!

Pricebusters!

That shirt's half off.
Get it!

That one holds a price gun.

She who holds the price gun
makes the deals.

- Get that gun!
- No!

Eat fire cart, you animals!

Oh, my Lord.
Brenda, I almost got my...

You need to get out of here.

Brenda, I am not
leaving you here alone.

Oh, don't be worried for me;
be scared for them.

Brenda attack!
Who's ready for more, turkeys?!

Excuse me, can you help us?

We found this little girl
wandering around by herself.

Another stray kid?
Put her in the pen.

Ooh-wee, that mess looks crazy.

- Is that even safe?
- Oh, yeah.

There's a ten-year-old in there

that's made himself in charge.

Yeah, I don't like
the look of that at all.

Can you just please
make an announcement?

Oh, great idea.

Attention...

We good?

No. And you didn't have
to be sarcastic.

I'm sorry, I'm tired.
I've been here since Halloween.

Just plop her in the pen
with the rest of the storephans.

Nope.

Welp, Jenny, you've done it again.
There's your microwave.

Hmm, what's this?
A full-price item back here?

I guess
there's no more good deals

- in this area where I am.
- There's the stroller I've been looking for!

What? No! That's mine!

Not until it's seen
the checkout aisle, lady.

This is my stroller. I came
in here with my daughter in it.

Oh, my God.
Violet.

So I was wandering around
a postapocalyptic Mega-Lo-Mart

for an hour
before you realized I was gone?

No.

Well, yeah. Protecting your
daughter on Black Friday

- is harder than it looks.
- Yeah, didn't matter.

I was on the case.

- This your little girl?
- Uh-uh.

Does this little girl
look familiar to you?

No? Get right up in there,
get a good look.

Is this yours?

Excuse me, this one yours?

- Hey, does she belong to you?
- Wayne!

I bet that pyramid of Shop-Vacs
is getting real small.

All right, you go grab one

while I look
for this little girl's mama.

Come on, sweet pea.
Give me a clue.

Dang, peanut.
You got some talent.

Oh.

Is this your mama?
This is gonna be easy.

All we got to do is find
the lady dressed like this.

Damn. That Britney look
really is all the rage.

Violet! Oh, Violet.

Where are you? Violet?

Violet!

- Excuse me. Get out of the way.
- Hey, lady.

You can't be mingling around
with the storephans.

You have to check in
with an employee.

Are you kidding me?
I'm not taking orders

from some kid in a "guess what,
chicken butt" shirt.

Guess what, chicken butt?
You sure as hell are.

I'm looking for my daughter.

Uh, her name is Violet.
She's wearing a red jacket.

Oh, yeah, she was here.
Two guys took her.

What?! Oh, my God!

Just like the baby Jesus,
all we need is an inn.

Oh, she sells Mary Kay, huh?

Well, I think I just found
our star of Bethlehem.

Sure wish I knew more
about makeup.

I guess I'll just buy
whatever's at my eyeline

- and pay full retail.
- Excuse me, honey.

I couldn't help but overhearing.

You seem flustrated
about your skin care regime.

Cherish Hughes.

My name's
Mrs., um, uh... Pantene,

um, Pert-Clairol.

- Mrs. Pantene Pert-Clairol.
- Well, Ms. Pert-Clairol...

Oh, honey, just call me Pantene.

Pantene, I'm so glad
I ran into you.

I'm a Glam-bassador
for Mary Kay Cosmetics.

In fact, I'm buying my
whole team some pink UGG-ugs.

Well, this is my lucky day.

Can you help me understand

all that hullabaloo
about contouring?

Start at the forehead
and move confidently

along the hairline down to
just kiss the cheekbones.

Hey, do I go, um...

- up into the earhole?
- Heavens, no. Just wistfully contour

- two fingers along the jawline.
- Um... Hey, how can I tell, y'all,

if my foundation
is going on too dark?

Try our custom blend line.

Let me grab it
from my makeup caboodle.

- How do I sell Mary Kay?!
- That is a wonderful question.

Get out of there, dummy.

- What?
- I mean, I should get out of here, dummy.

Meaning me.
I'm the dummy, see?

All right, now.
Thanks for fixing my face.

Excuse me, I...

No, your shoes aren't right.

- What?
- Screw him.

Uh, nope. Wrong fedora.

Wayne.

I don't know if I can hold
this box much longer.

I can't put this little girl down.
She'll wander off again.

- Mama!
- Is that her? Is that your mama?

- Wayne! The Shop-Vac!
- You know the rule.

It touches the floor, it's
yours no more, my baby. Ooh!

I'm pinned! Pinned by the
object of my own desire.

- Violet?
- Excuse me, ma'am.

Is this your girl?

Violet! Oh, Violet.

Oh, Violet.
Oh, baby, you're safe.

Oh, my Lord.
Oh, uh, thank you so much.

Oh, you're so welcome.

Jenny.

- Jenny. Hi, I'm, uh... uh...
- Wayne.

- Wayne. That's right. Thank you.
- How did you find me?

Oh, well, you have a very
talented little peanut here.

Baby, you drew this?

Incoming!

My microwave!

You like me?

- Yeah.
- Too bad!

They got our Shop-Vac.
Took my suit jacket, too, Wayne.

Ripped it right off my body!

Buttons flying everywhere!

You guys were after a Shop-Vac?
Ugh, that's smart.

You know, 'cause you can use it
for multiple businesses.

Yes, exactly. That...

That's our business plan.

Well, sorry you didn't
snag one tonight,

but I've got one you can borrow.

No, I did not have a Shop-Vac.

- I just wanted Wayne to call me.
- So dumb.

I thought you were telling me
how you got our microwave,

but it's actually the story
about how you two met.

And how I first started
to draw, or whatever.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Yep. My sweet Violet.

Can I say just
a few words of thanks?

I hit just about everybody,
but if you want

to throw in some names, go for it.

I do.
Mom, I want to thank you

for always trying
to give me the best,

even though we can't
always afford it.

And, Gram, thanks for your unwavering
commitment to retail justice.

And, Wayne, not to get
too dramatic about this,

but thank you for actually
maybe saving my life.

You're, like, my guardian angel.

Now I think there's only one
more thing to say.

Let's bag it up.

Really? You want to go
to Mega-Lo-Mart?

Those over-the-ear
noise-cancelling headphones

by Skullcandy aren't
gonna buy themselves.

Well, all right!
Thanksgiving's back!

- I'll warm up the truck.
- Dessert in first, y'all!

Hey, Violet.

See, now doesn't this
just feel right?

Sure as hell does, y'all.

Oh, no.
Oh, hey, Crystalynn.

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Crystalynn.

What you got your eye on tonight?

A Hamilton Beach programmable
six-quart slow cooker

in stainless steel
with a temperature probe.

- Hey, Mom, isn't that what you're loo...
- Ooh...

- See you in there, Crystalynn.
- Wait, Gram,

how come I never see
you wearing those pink UGGs?

Well, me and Crystalynn's
alliance was short-lived.

We had a little altercation
the following Sunday.