Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Violet's Secret - full transcript
Jenny and Betty follow Violet when they think she's making the same mistakes they did as teenagers; Bobbie Neil sues Wayne.
Violet, honey?
Your door is stuck.
Probably swollen from the heat.
I'll get it.
Dang, it's real stuck.
Here, let me try.
Good Lord, mother!
It's not stuck.
It's barricaded with a case
of Glucerna diabetes bars.
Vi, why on earth
would you barricade yourself
in your room
with my blood sugar snacks?
It's called privacy. Bye.
She's entered the privacy phase.
The rebellion has
started, Jenny.
Violet is lost to us!
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
She's still our little girl.
Watch this.
Vi, 90-Day Beyoncé is coming on.
Fave garbage-y reality show.
Want to watch ironically...
while I watch unironically?
Nope, bye.
See?
I'm not worried.
She's just a teenager now.
Aren't you even
a little bit curious
what she's doing in there?
She's a good girl.
She's... oof,
probably shouldn't say it...
But a nerd.
And nerds never
get up to anything.
It's a mirage!
A smoke screen!
At her age, you tried
to play the angel,
but I was on to you.
There was nothing to be on to.
Ready to go to Jacksonville?
Jenny, I am so glad
you dumped that old guy.
I didn't. He dumped me.
What?!
He dumped you?!
I'm gonna dump him!
Eight ball, corner pocket.
Brenda, what did you do?
I did what I had to do.
I killed a man who hurt you.
The hell you did!
All you did was beat me
with a Snapple bottle!
- He's alive!
- Run!
Oh, Lord!
You almost dug yourself
an early grave
and dragged me in with you.
Oh, like you were
a perfect child.
I was.
All I did was go
to Sunday school on the regular.
You legal?
I am in Oklahoma.
Oklahoma it is.
- We've got to get in there.
- I know!
Not like that!
This secretive behavior is
how it all starts.
Locking the door,
not opening the door,
saying sarcastic things
through the door.
Teen sarcasm is
just a slippery slope
to teen pregnancy.
Y'all need to stop.
I've seen this before.
You get fixated on something
and spiral out
to the worst
possible conclusion.
Why does she need her backpack?
It's summer.
- Wine?
- Menthols?
And what the hell is this,
Violet?
It's called a switchblade.
Google it.
Oh, no, my baby's
doing knife crimes.
I'm stepping away, so I don't
get caught up in some bullcrap.
Got to get back
to fixing your roof.
All right.
So, uh, here I go.
About to fix your entire roof.
- Mm, okay.
- That's great, you're an angel.
Blessed be, our hero.
I'll take that, I guess.
Hey, it's Violet.
I'm gonna be
a couple minutes late.
I'll hurry. Okay!
Sorry, it-it won't happen again.
Who's she talking to
on that phone?
Kids don't talk to each other
on the phone anymore.
She's obviously talking
to a grown man!
Wayne! Wayne!
We need you to build a peephole
so we can spy on Vi.
I'm up here fixing holes,
not making them.
- Oh, please?
- Pretty please?
No! Now y'all get
down from here.
Oh, uh-oh, I'm sliding, y'all!
Will you two knock it off?
Don't claw the shingles.
Well, there goes five dollars.
Ten.
Let go of my ankle!
Don't kick your mother,
you monster.
15... $20.
- Wayne, save us!
- $85.
We're gonna die!
Will you two just
slightly extend your legs?
Wait, what the hell?
Bobbie Nell,
why are you filming us?!
I'm just gathering evidence.
All this roof racket is driving
my free-range cockatiel bonkers.
Bobbie Nell, that bird just
wants to get out of your house.
He's trapped
in a bird nightmare.
You're all nightmares!
And I'm about to be your
nightmare and your daymare.
If Violet ever
caught us snooping,
she would never forgive us.
Did you find anything?
No, but we'd better
find out soon
before she ends up
dead in a ditch.
Good Lord, Mother.
It's just an expression, Jenny.
And expression that some
poor mom came up with
when she found her daughter
dead in a ditch.
- Oh, Lord!
- We got to find out
what the hell she's up to.
Tomorrow we are gonna
put a tail on her.
See you in court, Wayne.
What? You're gonna sue me
for $4,999?!
For me and my bird's
emotional distress.
See you this afternoon,
turd lover.
- What?
- Turd lover.
- It's a person who loves...
- No!
I mean the part where you said,
"See you this afternoon"?
Well, it'd be a shame
if you couldn't make it.
Then I would automatically win.
Bobbie Nell, I swear to God.
Oh, dang it, you spooked her!
Something's off as hell.
She's never walked this far
in her life.
That's it. I'm calling her.
Hey, Violet.
- Just calling to see what you're up to.
- Yeah, well,
I'm hanging over at David's.
We're watching
The Great British Bake Off.
Got to go.
Oh, God. She lied.
She lied
straight into my earholes.
Go around, you monsters!
Hey, my babies.
I'm going faster than y'all are.
Oh, no! A pebble!
They got her
out there recruiting.
Who-who? Recruiting for what?
I've been holding back because
I didn't want to freak you out,
but I am a hundred percent sure
Violet's in a cult.
He's isolating her
from her family,
demanding secrecy.
...Now,
when we get to the cult place,
do not let me
get anywhere near the leader.
We don't know how charming
he is going to be.
But I do know that when I get
around one of those Svengalis,
I'm gonna get immediately
swept up into his orbit.
What in the hell
are you talking about?
It's the power, Jenny.
What can I tell you?
Bhagwan. Yes.
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon?
Where do I sign?
L. Ron Hubbard?
Oh, in that Navy uniform?
He can audit
my bathing suit area anytime.
Mother, that is a bummer.
Well, I'm just saying
don't judge this man
until we see how handsome he is.
- Uh-oh.
- What?
My diaper's full.
Your what is what?
I'm wearing
a crazy astronaut lady diaper
because I didn't know how long
this was going to take.
But they don't tell you
how quick these things fill up.
I feel like I got
a bowling ball down there.
Mother, are you insane?
No. Putting on
this crazy astronaut lady diaper
is the sanest thing
I've ever done.
I would do anything
for my grandbaby.
And if you cared about Violet,
you'd be wearing a diaper, too.
Pulling over. Got to dump it
and slam on a fresh one.
Your Honor,
Ben Matlock, attorney-at-law.
Ooh, boy.
Let me put my chili dog down.
"Ooh, boy.
Let me put my chili dog down."
What's up, weirdo?
Hey, Brenda.
Got to go to court today.
- Court?
- Bobbie Nell's suing me.
Oh, crap. You're gonna lose.
I can't afford to lose.
She's suing me for five grand.
That is a life-ruining amount
of money.
Boy, are you glad
I ran into you,
Wayne, 'cause I am the queen
of Guilford County
small-claims court.
Slip and falls,
Craigslist mishaps,
waterslide burns...
The list goes on and on.
I'm-a go with you.
Oh, thanks, Brenda,
but I'm gonna be fine.
I'm studying old Matlocks.
Lame. Bobbie Nell is an animal
in that courtroom.
It's how she makes her living.
You're gonna need more
than just your moseying
Southern lawyer show.
You're gonna need me.
Let's tank up! Dickie,
we'll have a round
of peach cobbler Slusheritos
and an order
of flour gravy poppers.
Oh, snap. You going to court?
Come on, Mother!
We're losing her.
Violet, no!
Be careful
on that giant, stupid bike!
I will for the sake of me
and our baby, Randy Jr.
Next stop Jacksonville,
my babies.
Oh, no, a bottle cap!
Drive, drive, drive!
What the hell
are we running from?!
The clerk saw me
pushing my diaper
into that straw wrapper
trash can by the soda fountain.
Now, where the hell is Violet?
Well, I was watching her
walk towards
the Birchwood Strip Mall,
but now I'm snoot first
in a crevasse.
Oh, Lord!
We are wedged in this ditch.
Don't worry. I got this.
Mama bear energy!
You can't just summon it, Jenny.
Here, let me try.
Ow!
Looks like we're gonna
have to squish and shimmy.
Oh, my dipe.
Well, on the bright side,
I can't speak
for all the other ditches,
but at least we know Violet's
not dead in this one.
...Now there's
only one thing left to do.
- Hitchhiking?
- If we are gonna save her,
we've gotta follow her
down the rabbit hole.
Yep. Still got the thumb
of a 16-year-old.
Hey, sugar.
Ooh, look at that big wheel!
We're trying to catch up with my
daughter, so if you could just
- drop us off at the Birchwood Strip Mall?
- Sure. Wait.
This isn't a sting, is it?
One of those
To Catch a Predators?
Just kidding.
Let's go grab that little girl.
Oop. Got to make a pit stop.
Open the door. We can jump out.
- Now's our chance.
- Well, it's happening.
I'm finally being
human trafficked.
I guess on the bright side,
they will be getting me
- in my prime.
- What in the hell
is wrong with you?
Sir? Mister?
Sir?
- He's doing drugs!
- Oh, it's heron!
Oh!
No, it's just my insulin.
We're coming, Violet!
Let us borrow those bikes,
children.
- Give us those bikes!
- We need those bikes!
Get on the bikes!
I've been following your wins.
Follow yours, too.
You won a settlement
for slipping
on a Slip 'N Slide, and "slip"
is right there in the title.
Kudos, milady.
I've heard
of a hot coffee lawsuit,
but an iced coffee lawsuit?
Impressive.
This is gonna be fun.
So, do we just walk on in?
'Cause on Matlock, they
just come back from commercial,
and everybody's
already in there.
Reverse mortgage,
home catheter delivery,
cash for gold, and then, boom...
Matlock's in the courtroom
ready to poke holes
in alibis and timelines.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We are not doing
any of that Matlock crap.
Brenda, you better be right,
because I'm worried as hell.
I can't lose this case
and have a hole in the roof.
Last I saw her, she was walking
toward this strip mall!
Oh, my God.
You were right, Mother.
She's in a cult.
Well... it's showtime.
Why in the hell are you
so horned up over all this?
All rise for the Honorable
Judge Debbie Donatello.
- Oh, no...
- Oh, not the Yankee judge.
Hi. I'm Judge Debbie Donatello.
I ran the toughest courtroom
in New York City.
Murders, beheadings,
subway shovings, Mob,
bodega-on-bodega arsons,
all that stuff.
I moved down here
to beautiful North Carolina
to get out of that hellhole.
All right,
what's first on the docket?
Your Honor, this man gave
my cockatiel a psychotic break,
which caused me property damage
and emotional...
distress.
Damn. She got
to the emotion card first.
Well, it's a good thing
Mr. Ben Matlock, Esquire,
brought his secret weapon:
the Farmer's Almanac.
I'm about to prove
that full moon's
- been causing that bird's upset.
- Don't be an idiot!
Ow!
We're not doing that
hokey folksy Matlock crap.
Now, you go on and hush
and watch me overwhelm them
with facts and figures.
In these 50-some-odd
United States of America,
there are upwards
of 62 billion roofs.
This does not include
Puerto Rico and Guam.
Let's get into why.
This makes sense.
Look around.
This cult targets nerds!
It's a voice mail
from Violet. Shh.
Hi, Mom. I'm not gonna be hoe
for dinner.
- I have some stuff...
- Violet, I told you no phone calls.
- Bring the baby over here.
- Oh, Lord.
There is an older man.
An older, controlling man.
And a baby!
Where is she?
Where is Violet Hart?
Oh, Violet?
Yeah, she's next door.
No! Hey! Don't go in there!
He doesn't like it
when people let the light in!
Oh, my Lord.
There he is.
The cult leader.
- Oh.
- What?
I thought we would do better
with the face.
Did you know that there are
more Spanish roof tiles
than there are stars
in the galaxy?
All right, all right,
your time's up.
It's so cute you people think
these are problems.
Other lady, go.
I'd like to call
my star witness.
Anita, come!
As you can see,
she is a sweet, normal bird.
Oh, yeah,
that is a beautiful bird!
I'm used to diseased
subway pigeons
fighting a rat over a slice.
But watch what
this nail gun does to her.
...No! - Anita!
- No! -Judge Debbie!
- What the hell is this?
Don't let that country-ass bird
land on me!
Oh!
All right, relax, people.
A bird flew into a fan.
You know, I once saw a mobster
shove a cabbie's manhood
into a Vitamix.
Now, that's called
a Mulberry Street Smoothie.
All right, let's take a recess.
I can't see what's going on.
It's a baby!
And she's wearing
a wedding dress!
The leader is marrying the baby!
Oh, God, Violet's sister wife
is a baby!
Prop her up. I want to
see that beautiful little face.
After all, today is the day
she dedicates herself to God.
We have to stop them!
I'll grab the baby bride,
you grab Violet,
and we'll book it out of here.
Okay.
- Three, two...
- There's no time!
Mama bear energy...!
Ow!
That baby is not marrying
anyone today!
Mom! Gram! What the hell?
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
We're taking photos of this baby
on her christening day.
This is my part-time job,
you lunatics.
- Oh...
- And that's why
- he said... oh...
- The white dress is...
- Oh, and you're not in a cult.
- And I'm not attracted to him
- because... oh...
- You're just... oh...
Thought she was getting married.
If only you
would have told me...
Yeah, I should have told you,
so you could come in here
and mortally embarrass me
sooner. Got it.
Just please get out.
Vi!
Just go.
Maybe y'all could use this
in one of your little
fall tableaus.
Hey, friend.
What's gotcha down?
All I wanted to do was put
a roof over my family's head,
and now it's about to cost me
five grand.
Son, if I may offer some advice:
it ain't over
till the gavel hits the pine.
Oh, sir, you are so right!
Well, got to get
to my murder trial.
Wish me luck.
- Rest your case, or you're going to sleep.
- You rest your case,
or you're going to sleep.
If I may, Your Honor.
Whew, boy! I sure am glad
Lady Justice wears a blindfold,
so she didn't have to see
this devil's circus
that went on in here today.
Look at us.
I plumb forgot
what this dustup's even about.
Now, what I'm-what I'm...
what I'm trying to say here is,
hoo, boy, we all need
to stop fightin'.
And if something's worrying
our warts,
we got to open our mouths
and communicate.
We all need to stop fighting
and start being kinder
and-and more neighborly,
'cause hot diggity dog,
and I do mean shucks. Hoo, boy!
Wayne, you're right.
I guess I should start
being kindlier.
Bobbie Nell, I'm so sorry
for whatever part I had
in what happened to Anita.
But the good news is,
now she's in Heaven,
flying into that big ol'
sliding glass door in the sky.
Don't worry, Wayne,
she was terminal anyway.
Riddled with tumors.
She slept on my cell phone
every night.
I couldn't stop her.
Brenda and Bobbie Nell,
bring it in here.
Aw. This hokey,
small-town crap is beautiful.
If this was New York,
the floor would be covered
in number twos.
Case dismissed.
No, thank you.
Can you just tell me why you
wanted to get a secret job?
I share everything
with you guys.
My bedroom is also our family
storage unit and laundry room.
I really just wanted something
that was just mine.
I totally get that, Vi.
And I'm so sorry
I embarrassed you.
Okay.
Are we done?
You know, when I was young
I made a lot of mistakes.
And the fact that I survived
those years was pure luck.
I just got scared that
you wouldn't be as lucky,
and I went a little crazy.
I know I need to trust you.
I mean, we both know
you're smarter than I was.
I just need to remember that.
90-Day Beyoncé is coming on.
You want to watch it with me?
I'm sorry, Megan,
but we're at day 32,
and you
barely look like Beyoncé.
It's time for you
to leave the Beyhive.
The exit is... to the left.
Hello, turd lovers.
Bobbie Nell,
what happened to you?
Well, you hugged me too hard
after court!
You just bought yourself
a lawsuit.
Oh, I just remembered,
your hug ripped my rotator cuff.
Ow! Countersuit!
- Oh, Lord.
- Bunch of loonies.
Ma'am?
What the hell are you doing?
Haven't you ever seen
a grown woman
put an adult diaper
in the straw trash before?
No, ma'am, I have not.
And I think that violates
every health code that
has ever been written down.
Well, you should empty the
trash in the ladies' restroom.
This is on you!
Oh, come on!
And pick up
all these sunglasses!
Every damn spectacle...
Your door is stuck.
Probably swollen from the heat.
I'll get it.
Dang, it's real stuck.
Here, let me try.
Good Lord, mother!
It's not stuck.
It's barricaded with a case
of Glucerna diabetes bars.
Vi, why on earth
would you barricade yourself
in your room
with my blood sugar snacks?
It's called privacy. Bye.
She's entered the privacy phase.
The rebellion has
started, Jenny.
Violet is lost to us!
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
She's still our little girl.
Watch this.
Vi, 90-Day Beyoncé is coming on.
Fave garbage-y reality show.
Want to watch ironically...
while I watch unironically?
Nope, bye.
See?
I'm not worried.
She's just a teenager now.
Aren't you even
a little bit curious
what she's doing in there?
She's a good girl.
She's... oof,
probably shouldn't say it...
But a nerd.
And nerds never
get up to anything.
It's a mirage!
A smoke screen!
At her age, you tried
to play the angel,
but I was on to you.
There was nothing to be on to.
Ready to go to Jacksonville?
Jenny, I am so glad
you dumped that old guy.
I didn't. He dumped me.
What?!
He dumped you?!
I'm gonna dump him!
Eight ball, corner pocket.
Brenda, what did you do?
I did what I had to do.
I killed a man who hurt you.
The hell you did!
All you did was beat me
with a Snapple bottle!
- He's alive!
- Run!
Oh, Lord!
You almost dug yourself
an early grave
and dragged me in with you.
Oh, like you were
a perfect child.
I was.
All I did was go
to Sunday school on the regular.
You legal?
I am in Oklahoma.
Oklahoma it is.
- We've got to get in there.
- I know!
Not like that!
This secretive behavior is
how it all starts.
Locking the door,
not opening the door,
saying sarcastic things
through the door.
Teen sarcasm is
just a slippery slope
to teen pregnancy.
Y'all need to stop.
I've seen this before.
You get fixated on something
and spiral out
to the worst
possible conclusion.
Why does she need her backpack?
It's summer.
- Wine?
- Menthols?
And what the hell is this,
Violet?
It's called a switchblade.
Google it.
Oh, no, my baby's
doing knife crimes.
I'm stepping away, so I don't
get caught up in some bullcrap.
Got to get back
to fixing your roof.
All right.
So, uh, here I go.
About to fix your entire roof.
- Mm, okay.
- That's great, you're an angel.
Blessed be, our hero.
I'll take that, I guess.
Hey, it's Violet.
I'm gonna be
a couple minutes late.
I'll hurry. Okay!
Sorry, it-it won't happen again.
Who's she talking to
on that phone?
Kids don't talk to each other
on the phone anymore.
She's obviously talking
to a grown man!
Wayne! Wayne!
We need you to build a peephole
so we can spy on Vi.
I'm up here fixing holes,
not making them.
- Oh, please?
- Pretty please?
No! Now y'all get
down from here.
Oh, uh-oh, I'm sliding, y'all!
Will you two knock it off?
Don't claw the shingles.
Well, there goes five dollars.
Ten.
Let go of my ankle!
Don't kick your mother,
you monster.
15... $20.
- Wayne, save us!
- $85.
We're gonna die!
Will you two just
slightly extend your legs?
Wait, what the hell?
Bobbie Nell,
why are you filming us?!
I'm just gathering evidence.
All this roof racket is driving
my free-range cockatiel bonkers.
Bobbie Nell, that bird just
wants to get out of your house.
He's trapped
in a bird nightmare.
You're all nightmares!
And I'm about to be your
nightmare and your daymare.
If Violet ever
caught us snooping,
she would never forgive us.
Did you find anything?
No, but we'd better
find out soon
before she ends up
dead in a ditch.
Good Lord, Mother.
It's just an expression, Jenny.
And expression that some
poor mom came up with
when she found her daughter
dead in a ditch.
- Oh, Lord!
- We got to find out
what the hell she's up to.
Tomorrow we are gonna
put a tail on her.
See you in court, Wayne.
What? You're gonna sue me
for $4,999?!
For me and my bird's
emotional distress.
See you this afternoon,
turd lover.
- What?
- Turd lover.
- It's a person who loves...
- No!
I mean the part where you said,
"See you this afternoon"?
Well, it'd be a shame
if you couldn't make it.
Then I would automatically win.
Bobbie Nell, I swear to God.
Oh, dang it, you spooked her!
Something's off as hell.
She's never walked this far
in her life.
That's it. I'm calling her.
Hey, Violet.
- Just calling to see what you're up to.
- Yeah, well,
I'm hanging over at David's.
We're watching
The Great British Bake Off.
Got to go.
Oh, God. She lied.
She lied
straight into my earholes.
Go around, you monsters!
Hey, my babies.
I'm going faster than y'all are.
Oh, no! A pebble!
They got her
out there recruiting.
Who-who? Recruiting for what?
I've been holding back because
I didn't want to freak you out,
but I am a hundred percent sure
Violet's in a cult.
He's isolating her
from her family,
demanding secrecy.
...Now,
when we get to the cult place,
do not let me
get anywhere near the leader.
We don't know how charming
he is going to be.
But I do know that when I get
around one of those Svengalis,
I'm gonna get immediately
swept up into his orbit.
What in the hell
are you talking about?
It's the power, Jenny.
What can I tell you?
Bhagwan. Yes.
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon?
Where do I sign?
L. Ron Hubbard?
Oh, in that Navy uniform?
He can audit
my bathing suit area anytime.
Mother, that is a bummer.
Well, I'm just saying
don't judge this man
until we see how handsome he is.
- Uh-oh.
- What?
My diaper's full.
Your what is what?
I'm wearing
a crazy astronaut lady diaper
because I didn't know how long
this was going to take.
But they don't tell you
how quick these things fill up.
I feel like I got
a bowling ball down there.
Mother, are you insane?
No. Putting on
this crazy astronaut lady diaper
is the sanest thing
I've ever done.
I would do anything
for my grandbaby.
And if you cared about Violet,
you'd be wearing a diaper, too.
Pulling over. Got to dump it
and slam on a fresh one.
Your Honor,
Ben Matlock, attorney-at-law.
Ooh, boy.
Let me put my chili dog down.
"Ooh, boy.
Let me put my chili dog down."
What's up, weirdo?
Hey, Brenda.
Got to go to court today.
- Court?
- Bobbie Nell's suing me.
Oh, crap. You're gonna lose.
I can't afford to lose.
She's suing me for five grand.
That is a life-ruining amount
of money.
Boy, are you glad
I ran into you,
Wayne, 'cause I am the queen
of Guilford County
small-claims court.
Slip and falls,
Craigslist mishaps,
waterslide burns...
The list goes on and on.
I'm-a go with you.
Oh, thanks, Brenda,
but I'm gonna be fine.
I'm studying old Matlocks.
Lame. Bobbie Nell is an animal
in that courtroom.
It's how she makes her living.
You're gonna need more
than just your moseying
Southern lawyer show.
You're gonna need me.
Let's tank up! Dickie,
we'll have a round
of peach cobbler Slusheritos
and an order
of flour gravy poppers.
Oh, snap. You going to court?
Come on, Mother!
We're losing her.
Violet, no!
Be careful
on that giant, stupid bike!
I will for the sake of me
and our baby, Randy Jr.
Next stop Jacksonville,
my babies.
Oh, no, a bottle cap!
Drive, drive, drive!
What the hell
are we running from?!
The clerk saw me
pushing my diaper
into that straw wrapper
trash can by the soda fountain.
Now, where the hell is Violet?
Well, I was watching her
walk towards
the Birchwood Strip Mall,
but now I'm snoot first
in a crevasse.
Oh, Lord!
We are wedged in this ditch.
Don't worry. I got this.
Mama bear energy!
You can't just summon it, Jenny.
Here, let me try.
Ow!
Looks like we're gonna
have to squish and shimmy.
Oh, my dipe.
Well, on the bright side,
I can't speak
for all the other ditches,
but at least we know Violet's
not dead in this one.
...Now there's
only one thing left to do.
- Hitchhiking?
- If we are gonna save her,
we've gotta follow her
down the rabbit hole.
Yep. Still got the thumb
of a 16-year-old.
Hey, sugar.
Ooh, look at that big wheel!
We're trying to catch up with my
daughter, so if you could just
- drop us off at the Birchwood Strip Mall?
- Sure. Wait.
This isn't a sting, is it?
One of those
To Catch a Predators?
Just kidding.
Let's go grab that little girl.
Oop. Got to make a pit stop.
Open the door. We can jump out.
- Now's our chance.
- Well, it's happening.
I'm finally being
human trafficked.
I guess on the bright side,
they will be getting me
- in my prime.
- What in the hell
is wrong with you?
Sir? Mister?
Sir?
- He's doing drugs!
- Oh, it's heron!
Oh!
No, it's just my insulin.
We're coming, Violet!
Let us borrow those bikes,
children.
- Give us those bikes!
- We need those bikes!
Get on the bikes!
I've been following your wins.
Follow yours, too.
You won a settlement
for slipping
on a Slip 'N Slide, and "slip"
is right there in the title.
Kudos, milady.
I've heard
of a hot coffee lawsuit,
but an iced coffee lawsuit?
Impressive.
This is gonna be fun.
So, do we just walk on in?
'Cause on Matlock, they
just come back from commercial,
and everybody's
already in there.
Reverse mortgage,
home catheter delivery,
cash for gold, and then, boom...
Matlock's in the courtroom
ready to poke holes
in alibis and timelines.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We are not doing
any of that Matlock crap.
Brenda, you better be right,
because I'm worried as hell.
I can't lose this case
and have a hole in the roof.
Last I saw her, she was walking
toward this strip mall!
Oh, my God.
You were right, Mother.
She's in a cult.
Well... it's showtime.
Why in the hell are you
so horned up over all this?
All rise for the Honorable
Judge Debbie Donatello.
- Oh, no...
- Oh, not the Yankee judge.
Hi. I'm Judge Debbie Donatello.
I ran the toughest courtroom
in New York City.
Murders, beheadings,
subway shovings, Mob,
bodega-on-bodega arsons,
all that stuff.
I moved down here
to beautiful North Carolina
to get out of that hellhole.
All right,
what's first on the docket?
Your Honor, this man gave
my cockatiel a psychotic break,
which caused me property damage
and emotional...
distress.
Damn. She got
to the emotion card first.
Well, it's a good thing
Mr. Ben Matlock, Esquire,
brought his secret weapon:
the Farmer's Almanac.
I'm about to prove
that full moon's
- been causing that bird's upset.
- Don't be an idiot!
Ow!
We're not doing that
hokey folksy Matlock crap.
Now, you go on and hush
and watch me overwhelm them
with facts and figures.
In these 50-some-odd
United States of America,
there are upwards
of 62 billion roofs.
This does not include
Puerto Rico and Guam.
Let's get into why.
This makes sense.
Look around.
This cult targets nerds!
It's a voice mail
from Violet. Shh.
Hi, Mom. I'm not gonna be hoe
for dinner.
- I have some stuff...
- Violet, I told you no phone calls.
- Bring the baby over here.
- Oh, Lord.
There is an older man.
An older, controlling man.
And a baby!
Where is she?
Where is Violet Hart?
Oh, Violet?
Yeah, she's next door.
No! Hey! Don't go in there!
He doesn't like it
when people let the light in!
Oh, my Lord.
There he is.
The cult leader.
- Oh.
- What?
I thought we would do better
with the face.
Did you know that there are
more Spanish roof tiles
than there are stars
in the galaxy?
All right, all right,
your time's up.
It's so cute you people think
these are problems.
Other lady, go.
I'd like to call
my star witness.
Anita, come!
As you can see,
she is a sweet, normal bird.
Oh, yeah,
that is a beautiful bird!
I'm used to diseased
subway pigeons
fighting a rat over a slice.
But watch what
this nail gun does to her.
...No! - Anita!
- No! -Judge Debbie!
- What the hell is this?
Don't let that country-ass bird
land on me!
Oh!
All right, relax, people.
A bird flew into a fan.
You know, I once saw a mobster
shove a cabbie's manhood
into a Vitamix.
Now, that's called
a Mulberry Street Smoothie.
All right, let's take a recess.
I can't see what's going on.
It's a baby!
And she's wearing
a wedding dress!
The leader is marrying the baby!
Oh, God, Violet's sister wife
is a baby!
Prop her up. I want to
see that beautiful little face.
After all, today is the day
she dedicates herself to God.
We have to stop them!
I'll grab the baby bride,
you grab Violet,
and we'll book it out of here.
Okay.
- Three, two...
- There's no time!
Mama bear energy...!
Ow!
That baby is not marrying
anyone today!
Mom! Gram! What the hell?
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
We're taking photos of this baby
on her christening day.
This is my part-time job,
you lunatics.
- Oh...
- And that's why
- he said... oh...
- The white dress is...
- Oh, and you're not in a cult.
- And I'm not attracted to him
- because... oh...
- You're just... oh...
Thought she was getting married.
If only you
would have told me...
Yeah, I should have told you,
so you could come in here
and mortally embarrass me
sooner. Got it.
Just please get out.
Vi!
Just go.
Maybe y'all could use this
in one of your little
fall tableaus.
Hey, friend.
What's gotcha down?
All I wanted to do was put
a roof over my family's head,
and now it's about to cost me
five grand.
Son, if I may offer some advice:
it ain't over
till the gavel hits the pine.
Oh, sir, you are so right!
Well, got to get
to my murder trial.
Wish me luck.
- Rest your case, or you're going to sleep.
- You rest your case,
or you're going to sleep.
If I may, Your Honor.
Whew, boy! I sure am glad
Lady Justice wears a blindfold,
so she didn't have to see
this devil's circus
that went on in here today.
Look at us.
I plumb forgot
what this dustup's even about.
Now, what I'm-what I'm...
what I'm trying to say here is,
hoo, boy, we all need
to stop fightin'.
And if something's worrying
our warts,
we got to open our mouths
and communicate.
We all need to stop fighting
and start being kinder
and-and more neighborly,
'cause hot diggity dog,
and I do mean shucks. Hoo, boy!
Wayne, you're right.
I guess I should start
being kindlier.
Bobbie Nell, I'm so sorry
for whatever part I had
in what happened to Anita.
But the good news is,
now she's in Heaven,
flying into that big ol'
sliding glass door in the sky.
Don't worry, Wayne,
she was terminal anyway.
Riddled with tumors.
She slept on my cell phone
every night.
I couldn't stop her.
Brenda and Bobbie Nell,
bring it in here.
Aw. This hokey,
small-town crap is beautiful.
If this was New York,
the floor would be covered
in number twos.
Case dismissed.
No, thank you.
Can you just tell me why you
wanted to get a secret job?
I share everything
with you guys.
My bedroom is also our family
storage unit and laundry room.
I really just wanted something
that was just mine.
I totally get that, Vi.
And I'm so sorry
I embarrassed you.
Okay.
Are we done?
You know, when I was young
I made a lot of mistakes.
And the fact that I survived
those years was pure luck.
I just got scared that
you wouldn't be as lucky,
and I went a little crazy.
I know I need to trust you.
I mean, we both know
you're smarter than I was.
I just need to remember that.
90-Day Beyoncé is coming on.
You want to watch it with me?
I'm sorry, Megan,
but we're at day 32,
and you
barely look like Beyoncé.
It's time for you
to leave the Beyhive.
The exit is... to the left.
Hello, turd lovers.
Bobbie Nell,
what happened to you?
Well, you hugged me too hard
after court!
You just bought yourself
a lawsuit.
Oh, I just remembered,
your hug ripped my rotator cuff.
Ow! Countersuit!
- Oh, Lord.
- Bunch of loonies.
Ma'am?
What the hell are you doing?
Haven't you ever seen
a grown woman
put an adult diaper
in the straw trash before?
No, ma'am, I have not.
And I think that violates
every health code that
has ever been written down.
Well, you should empty the
trash in the ladies' restroom.
This is on you!
Oh, come on!
And pick up
all these sunglasses!
Every damn spectacle...