Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Visit - full transcript

MIKE: Okay, I crunched up
some prenatal vitamins for you

here in your slop, there, Portia.

And Portia, honey, now,
don't feel any pressure

to have to get your body to bounce back

- immediately after birth, okay, honey?
- Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

- Embrace those curves.
- Yeah, that's all you.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Oh.

I got a... Oh, it's my mom.

- Oh. No.
- Do I look tired?

- Not at all. Do I?
- No. You look great.

- Oh. Thank you.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]



- Hi.
- Ugh.

Why do you two look so tired?

- Oh, we... Yes.
- We're very awake.

- No, we're super awake, Mom. Hi.
- Um, if not now

- insecure about it, but...
- [PORTIA SNORTING]

- What's that awful sound?
- What?

Oh. Oh, that's Portia.

Must be a strain,
having to feed two pigs every day.

We have one pig, Mom.

Oh, yeah? What do you call him?

Good morning to you, too, Donna.

You should be ashamed of yourself,
Beau, you freeloader!

Get a job!

I have a job. I'm a farmer.



- Mom, don't.
- And I'm harvesting.

And you're just a woman on a phone

who cannot hurt my feelings!

- Okay.
- Yeah, right.

- Hi.
- Listen, honey, I'm thinking

of coming for a visit.
I got to get out of the city.

They're trying to take away my straws.

- Oh.
- Oka... Alright.

- Great.
- Well, that's fine.

- When you thinking?
- Yeah, when are you...

When are you thinking about coming out?

Got to go. Flight's taking off.

- What?
- See you soon, honey.

She's coming here. She's flying here.

I'm gonna go scream into
a pillow for 17 minutes,

and then I'll get ready.

Okay.

Do I have to wear this? I mean,

my neck is, like,
totally claustrophobic.

Look, she gave it to you.
It's gonna buy you

five extra minutes of goodwill.
I think you're gonna need it.

- [HORN HONKS]
- Why do you think she's visiting?

I mean, do you think she went
bankrupt or something?

- Like, is that possible?
- No. No, no.

She would have fled the
country if that was the case.

Oh, she's gonna hate it here.

She's gonna try to get us
to move back to New York.

Mm. Well, we'll just tell her
we're not going, you know?

The farm is good, and
we're doing a great job.

Oh, I'm not gonna let
her get in my head.

- I'm fine. Okay.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- My neck is sweating.
- Hey! I'm dreading this.

Yeah, it's dripping down.

- Hi!
- There's my baby girl!

- Mom.
- Oh, my God.

I love what you're putting in your hair.

Oh, well, I just haven't
washed it in ages, so...

Oh, well, whatever you're doing,
it is working for you.

- And, Mike, love the sweater.
- Oh. Oh.

Oh, everything looks great.

The farm is amazing.

Everything is just fantastic.

- Yeah.
- I love it here.

- Yeah.
- I came all this way, huh?

Great.

Why is she being so nice?

She's never hugged me before.

Alright, so,
I re-organized the seed shelf

to make it more efficient.

See, it used to go pumpkin,
tomato, corn, kale, lettuce.

Now it goes lettuce,
pumpkin, tomato, corn, kale.

- Much better.
- [BELL CHIMES LOUDLY]

Ah! Still loving that entrance
chime I installed?

Guaranteed for 5,000 dongs.

CONSTANCE: That's a lot of dongs.

Good morning, Rudy.

Any morning I get to see your
face is a very good morning.

Hey, are you a Connie's Club member,

or can I sign you up?

What in the hell is a Connie's Club?

I don't know, but I want to be
its president... or treasurer.

No, it's... It's a rewards program.

Brandon, would you go and see
if my lumber order has come in yet?

Will do.

Hey, but, Rudy,
you think about joining the club.

See, if you earn yourself
10 Connie Stars,

you got yourself 5 Connie Coins.

Oh, boy.

- Ma'am, am I correct...
- Rudy. Rudy, you got to help me.

Brandon's driving me nuts in the store,

and his brain won't shut down.

Can you take him off my hands, please?

I'll do anything you
ask, except exercise.

I don't enjoy it,
and I don't want to get ripped.

- [PORTIA SNORTS]
- Well, look at this magnificent woman.

She exudes confidence, you know?

She's magnificent.

I was a wreck in my third trimester.

RIO: We were gonna do a water birth,

but then she started to
drink the pool a lot,

- and we felt like...
- Yeah. Yeah.

And she did other stuff in the pool

that made it pretty disturbing
when she drank it.

You know, I'm suddenly in
the mood for a BLT.

- Sure.
- Okay.

[PORTIA SQUEALS]

Hi. Hello. What?

Hey, Donna.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

It's nice to meet you in person.

You, too, Connie.

I feel like I know you from the phone.

But by the way, you need to
stop reporting Mike for kidnapping.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, those...
That's just prank calls.

It's a little fun with my Mahjong girls.

I'm sorry, you guys,
this is all I got left.

The whole town's eating on the go.

They done wiped me out. You know,
it's harvest time, remember?

- Yeah.
- What?

You guys were talking
about the harvest?

Yeah. Yeah. She calls me sometimes,

and we just dish, you know?

But what she really wants
to know is why you two

are the only people in
town not harvesting...

- and what she can do about it.
- Oh, really?

- So I'll talk to y'all later.
- Thanks, Connie. Thank you.

- Is that why you're here?
- No.

- Mom...
- This is purely a coincidence.

- It's a coincidence?
- But...

I will say, if my daughter's
gonna be a farmer,

she's gonna be the best
damn farmer in the state,

and that means she should be harvesting.

- That's not even how it works.
- And I'm gonna make that happen.

Ma... [CHUCKLES] We don't
have anything to harvest.

- Yet. Give me 24 hours.
- RIO: Oy.

Uh, Donna, it...
it doesn't work that way.

We're rebuilding the
soil with cover crops.

- Reb... Rebuilding the soil.
- You know what?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

But here's what I do know...
You remember, Rio...

when you got 1350 on your SATs,

and then you worked,
and you worked, and you worked,

and you got it up to 1420, huh?

It's true. I still know my "V"
vocabulary words very well.

I don't want to be vainglorious
about it, but, you know.

You know what, Mom? We're good.

The farm is great.

We're doing really well,
and I just want you to respect

that we're trying really hard.

Well, I respect that you're trying...

- Great. That's all we're asking...
- ... but trying

is what people say they're doing

when they're not succeeding.

Who says?

People.

RUDY: This is my project.
I make spoon men.

Want to hear about my process?

Yeah.

Please tell me all the
steps that led to this.

First, I wait for the spoon
to reveal itself to me.

- [GOAT BLEATS]
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Then I bend it.

And this was the urgent project

that my mom desperately
needed me on?

She's not the only one.

Randy's pretty jazzed about it, too.

I spent the past year
dismantling mines

so that humanitarian convoys
could make it into war zones.

But yeah, this seems important.

Now we wait for the bend to come.

Hey, have you ever thought
about, like, shaking things up?

You know, like, taking a creative leap?

To what? Fork women?

I tried, but that middle
tine is a problem.

No. Think bigger.

Knife dogs.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BELT BUCKLE CLACKING]

[OWL HOOTING, INSECTS CHIRPING]

[SIGHS]

- Hey!
- [SCREAMS]

Don't try it, sleaze ball!

- [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
- Donna?

It's me, Beau Bowman.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

This is my room. This is where I sleep.

Oh, this is your room? Really?

Do you pay room and board?
I don't think so.

Go sleep on the couch.

No way. I've been driving
a combine all day.

Oh, so it's my fault that
you chose manual labor

as a lifestyle?

[SIGHS] Fine.

I shared a bed with a man for
25 years without having sex.

I think I could handle one more night.

[LAUGHING] What was I supposed to do?

Oh, stop. You didn't.

- You are so bad. I can't...
- I swear. I swear.

- RIO: Mom.
- Hi.

Hi. What, what...

Guess what?
Beau agreed agreed to give you

an acre of land to harvest.

- What?
- I could not say no.

- She rode me pretty hard.
- Oh, stop it

It's true.

- Oh, this is fantastic. Yeah.
- Oh, boy.

Don't mind me.
Just grabbing all your spoons.

Oh... Oh, Mom, that's Rudy. Rudy, Mom.

- Oh, Rudy? Hello, Rudy.
- Hello.

You're the most stylish woman
I've ever seen up close.

But not from far away.

- Oh. Okay.
- Oh, sorry about him.

Well, Donna, this is such a treat.

- We have not had...
- Oh, yeah.

... a good bagel in months.

I have no idea what capers are,
but I'm in heaven.

Oh, you got schmutz.

- Let me get that for you.
- Do I?

[WHISPERING] Do you
think that they had sex?

- I think more than once.
- What?

So, Beau and I were
talking in bed last night.

And we decided...

Oh, the creamier the better.

... that he's gonna give you
an acre of land to harvest

- to cover his rent.
- [NORMAL VOICE] What?

Your mother is a very persuasive woman.

So, whatever you can harvest
on that acre is yours.

And then word gets out how
good you are at harvesting,

and people are gonna want you
to consult on their farms.

- I-I think this is incredible.
- Yeah, no. We do not need

your charity, Beau.

We're... We're gonna have
to, uh, decline the offer,

even if we are fascinated
by the events...

- surrounding the negotiation.
- I-I-I...

Mike, are you crazy?

Who are you to turn down free land?

It's free land, and I would say

that I think we should
definitely do that, right?

Um, thank you, Beau. Thank you for that.

And also, feel free to just go ahead

and sleep in the living room tonight.

Oh, don't be silly, Rio.

Oh, I got go. Gonna be a long day.

And watch your toes tonight, Donna.

It's like an eagle
snatching a field mouse.

- You love it.
- [LAUGHS]

You know, I don't want to be a downer,

but I do feel obligated
to remind everyone that,

without a combine, you
know, harvesting corn

is... is virtually impossible.

What are you talking about?
We're gonna do it by hand,

like the old-timey days.

Yeah. I mean, the pilgrims did it,

- and they were just, like, dummies.
- The pilgrims did it.

- Well, okay.
- Yeah. I mean, it's like an acre.

It's, like, how big could that be?

Well, 4,840 square yards.

But that's the max it could be.
It could be way less than that.

Ah, that's the Levine spirit.

Boom, done, success.

- Next problem. Move on.
- Yeah.

Okay, you know, I-I don't think
it's gonna be that easy,

a-and we have a pig
that's about to pop, so...

Oh, yeah, but she's gonna be fine, Mike.

I mean, once the first one is born,

- the rest just fall out.
- The rest just fall out.

Mike, you're gonna be here with Portia.

You've got the YouTube tutorials.

And then Mom and I are
gonna go do the harvest.

Just us ladies.

- Yeah.
- You know what?

It's gonna be a her-vest.

A her-vest. I love that.

- Boom, done, success. Her-vest.
- There we go.

I love how you sound like
your mom when she's here.

- It's so fun.
- What? What are you talking about?

Okay. We're off.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- A-her-vesting we go.
- We're off.

The pilgrims with their roll-on bag.

Rudy, hand me a 1/16th swage.

Rudy, that's a 1/8th swage.

I need a 1/16th.

I'm as invested in this as anyone,

but you're bringing an intensity
that perhaps isn't necessary.

Well, you know, in the Navy,

you have to give 110%
to everything you do.

People's lives are on the line.

Spooning is supposed to
be a relaxing activity,

sometimes known as a "hobby."

- [WHIRRING]
- Oh, boy.

It's moving under its own power.

- Why would we want that?
- Why wouldn't we want that?

'Cause we might unleash
something we can't contain.

Rudy, listen, I hear your concerns,

and I respectfully dismiss all of them.

I'm sorry.

I know you never asked to be alive.

Was it your idea for Mike
to put on that sweater?

Oh, he loves it.
He wears it all the time.

- All the time? Really?
- Yes.

- Wow.
- Absolutely.

- It's a great col... Look at this.
- Yeah.

- So, this is what corn trees look like.
- This is it.

- Wow.
- Let the her-vest begin!

- Yes.
- [LAUGHS]

Here, let me get ahold
of my sickle, here.

- There's yours.
- Wait, you sure this isn't a scythe?

No. This is a sickle.
I'm pretty sure this is a sickle.

You're the genius who aced her verbal.

- Alright.
- Scythe is the long one...

- like, the Grim Reaper one.
- Oh. O-Okay.

- Yeah. Watch this.
- Sickle.

[GRUNTS] Boom.

Oh, it didn't go down.
What's wrong with this thing?

- Rio, I have an idea.
- It's not doing it.

I think you need to get really angry...

Like in a rage, you know?

So, think of that stalk as...

[SNAPPING FINGERS] what was her name?

Ugh. Obnoxious. Katie Wassel.

- Oh, don't bring up Katie Wassel.
- In ninth grade... Wait.

- Ma.
- Wait. In ninth grade,

she got the part of Audrey

in "Little Shop of Horrors"

- instead of you?
- Yeah.

Think of that stalk as Katie Wassel.

That part was yours.

She got it because she had big boobs.

That's right. Go for it.

I... was supposed to sing...
"Suddenly Seymour"!

- [SCREAMS]
- Yes! Yes!

- That's my little warrior!
- [GASPS, LAUGHS]

- Yes! [LAUGHS]
- I did it! I did it!

I did it! I sickled it! Good!

Well, I have to say, it feels amazing...

to intentionally kill a plant.

Ah, I don't know what
Mike was talking about.

- This is gonna be so easy.
- [PORTIA SQUEALING]

Portia, a landing pad there for...

- [LIQUID SLOSHES]
- Oh! Oh, my goodness.

Okay. Water broke.

Uh, oh boy. It keeps breaking.

Okay. It's go time. It's go time.

Oh, gosh. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- I'm... getting a little emotional.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- Well, that's unexpected.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

DONNA: And that one is
your art teacher...

Remember her? Mrs. Lawson,

who said your ceramics
were just average.

They were museum-quality pieces, Rio!

Hang on, Mom. I got to take a break.

- I don't think I can keep going.
- Alright.

I actually liked Mrs. Lawson.

Alright, honey, you're doing great.

You just need a little refresher,

'cause your hands look
like a long shoreman.

- So, let me give you a little squirt.
- I can't. I can't. Ma, Ma, Ma, I can't.

My... My arm... it's... it's done.

- I-I can't move it.
- Alright.

I feel like a marionette.

- Alright. Mama's got this.
- Mom, seriously.

I think there's something
wrong with my arm.

Hey, Miss Rio!

Oh, hey.

Um, are you cutting down stalks
of corn with a knife on a stick?

- Oh, yeah. It's a sickle.
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]

I love how you and Mike
are always doing things

in the slowest, worst ways.

Yeah. Well, you know what they say...

You know, sometimes
the worst way is the best way.

Nope. Not really.

Well, hey, once you get
all these stalks down,

all you got to do is pop the ears off,

shuck them, husk them, shell them,

and then get all the kernels
into the silo.

You guys are gonna be fine.

You got these tote bags.
I'm not worried about you.

- Yeah.
- Alright, good luck, you two.

- You, too.
- Yeah. Alright. Yeah, yeah.

Just do what the kid said.
We got to cut, pop, shuck, husk...

Mom... I don't...
I don't think I can do it.

I think my body's kind of shutting down.

I can taste the lactic acid.

Okay.

You remember in sixth grade,

when you butchered that piano recital,

and that idiot piano teacher
said you had lazy thumbs?

Lazy thumbs, yeah.

But you persisted,
and you didn't give up.

- Yeah.
- And the next year, what happened?

You went in there,
you blew the place away

playing the prelude to
"Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves."

You're right. I'm going lefty.

- Alright.
- I'm going lefty.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Watch out, Mama.

[GRUNTS]

I'm gonna be the best!

- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]

- [GROANS] Ow.
- Jacob!

Oooow!

Jacob. Oh, my God. It's in your back.

- There's a sickle in your back.
- Just get it out.

Oh. Is that okay? Are you okay?

Luckily, I, uh, had my math
textbook with me today.

Oh, wow. That's a doozy.

If it had been my grammar handouts,

it could have severed my spine.

That would have sucked.

- I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.

No. This got out of hand,

and I just... I'm so glad you're okay.

We just feel awful. Mom, right?

- We feel awful.
- Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We feel terrible.
- We're so sorry...

- We were just harvesting.
- No. No, we could have really hurt him.

Mom, this... It's gone too far.

Oh, come on. There's no such thing.

Oh, really? So, it's not too far that

you got intel from Connie

that there was a harvest,
and all of a sudden,

y-you're flying 1,500 miles out here

so that we could do it your way?

I feel like this is my fault
for getting stabbed.

Alright. Jacob, please
don't get involved here.

I want you to be the best.
Is that so bad?

Yes. I don't need to be the best.

Well, what kind of life is that, Rio?

I mean, are you really satisfied

with living in a decrepit house

and a decrepit farm with
nothing to show for it?

The Rio that I know would not want this.

I want this.

I love my decrepit farm.

I love my decrepit house.

I am happier here just trying to get by

than I ever was in New York,
trying to be the best.

Okay.

So, I get it.

You just are happier without me.

- I'm not...
- And you don't care about me

and you don't want me

and I might as well be dead.

Okay? I get it.

Mom, that's not what I said.
Mom, those were not my words.

If you need me, I'll be packing.

Please don't do that.

Okay, cool.
Is this the silent treatment?

She's not answering.
It's the silent treatment.

Are you just gonna leave the champagne

and the snacks right there?

Mom?

CONSTANCE: Rudy.

I thought we had plans.

We'll have to reschedule.

I glued a circuit board to my hand.

Now I got a small current
going through my body.

Things have never been better.
This is so much fun.

Really?

Your mouth is saying one thing,

and your magnified eyes are
telling me a different story.

You got to tell Brandon
to back the hell off.

Spoon men should be hilarious and fun,

not something that tries
to kill you in the night.

I'm so sorry, Rudy.

I shouldn't have forced him on you.

I-I was so excited about
having him back, and...

And now I don't know
what to do with him.

When I came back from the army,
I had no idea what to do.

You come home and, all of a sudden,

no one's telling you
where to be, what to wear.

Took everything I had
to just take a break

and do nothing for a change.

[SIGHS] Well, I-I don't know
if he can do that.

You know,
he eats breakfast at 4:00 a. m.

Well, maybe tomorrow, he'll eat at 4:15,

and you take it from there.
And who knows?

Pretty soon, he'll bewaking up at noon.

[GOAT BLEATS]

Rio! Rio!

Rio!

Oh, hey. Where's Rio?

Portia's giving birth,
and it's getting ugly.

That's no excuse for ruining

a perfectly good sweater from Saks.

Okay, I-I need your help.

- I need your help.
- Okay, but I got to change my pants.

I don't want to make you feel bad,

but these cost as much as this house.

Okay. She's pushing, but...
but nothing's coming out.

And it says that there might
be a piglet stuck in there

in the video, b-b-but
I don't know what to do

because it's buffering,
because our Wi-Fi is weak.

No. You're weak. We're gonna do this.

When I had Rio,
the nurses were completely useless.

You know what I did?

I reached up there,
and I delivered her myself.

Give me the lubricant!

Okay. The tutorial says
you got to use olive oil.

And you didn't spring for extra virgin?

- We're on a budget!
- She's bringing a life

into this world, and you get generic?

You idiot!

I-I-I got to say, there's something
about when you yell at me

that is mildly comforting,
'cause it was... it was weird

when you were being nice to
me when you first got here.

'Cause I was faking it.

I was only doing that
to get what I wanted.

Classic mental warfare.

Any moron could have figured that out.

Well, you know what would
be helpful to Portia

is if you directed that overbearing
energy towards her.

Yeah. Alright. Portia. Hello.

I am Donna Levine from New York City.

- So, put her there!
- Oh, my gosh!

- Alright.
- Oh, my goodness. You're in there.

Alright. I feel something.
I feel something.

Push, Portia. You got to help me out.

You are better at birthing pigs
than any pig in this barn.

- Push, damn it!
- You got to push, Portia,

or she's not gonna stop
screaming at you.

- You got to help me out.
- Come on. Push. You can do it, Portia.

- You got this.
- [PIGLET SQUEALS, LIQUID SLOSHES]

[LAUGHING] Oh!

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, you did it!

Oh, my gosh. Look how beautiful it is.

Beautiful? I don't know about that.

But I'll tell you something...
She looks like Rio,

who's a gorgeous woman,
but she was a hideous baby.

- [PIGLET SQUEALING]
- Okay. Okay.

- [BELL CHIMES LOUDLY]
- Hey, Ma.

Ma, Ma.

I was thinking we could
sell Rudy's spoon men

here at the store.

I'll just have to give
you a safety training

in case they connect to the
Wi-Fi and become self-aware.

Oh [SIGHS] honey,
I hate to tell you this,

but I only asked you to help Rudy

because you were driving
me crazy working here.

Wow. Really?

I'm sorry.

I thought I was helping.

I know. But every time that bell
rings on that door, I...

I curse your name.

Every time?

I don't want to think
about my baby like that.

I know this is
a hard transition for you.

Maybe you can try to do
nothing for a while.

Okay? Just relax. Take a break.

- Okay.
- Get back in the swing of things.

- Relax.
- Yes. Yeah.

I can relax. Yeah.

Huh?

That's... That's pretty good. Okay.

I...

Relaxed. [SNAPS FINGERS]

So many things come naturally to you,

but this ain't one of them.

Yeah. I didn't like it either.

You'll get there.

- [PIGS SQUEALING]
- Well, that was amazing.

I definitely see where Rio
gets her strength from.

I mean, your... your arm was...

It was up there.

Yeah, you know what? I've touched
worse things on the subway.

And you were pretty great, too, Mike.

Thank you.

You know, I don't...
I don't pretend to know

what you and Rio's
relationship's all about,

but I can tell you

she loves you and misses you so much.

I don't know why I put
so much pressure on her.

Maybe it's 'cause, after the divorce,

it was us against the world,
and everything was a battle,

and I wanted her to be a fighter.

Oh, she's a fighter.

You ever heard someone
trying to call her "ma'am"?

[CHUCKLES]

You know, the first time
I held her in my arms,

my only wish was that
she would be happy.

And for some unknown reason,
she's happy here.

And you should be happy, too.

Just call your mother
every now and then, okay?

Hi. [LAUGHS]

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Hey. They're here.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, wow. I love this so much.

My whole family together.

My husband, my mama,

- my pig sister...
- [PORTIA SNORTS]

... my pig babies.

Hi.

Oh, wow, you guys.

Mom, I'm really sorry that
the her-vest got so ugly.

Oh, honey, no, no.
I'm the one who's sorry.

Thank you. And I will always need you.

Of course you will. Don't be crazy.

So, I'm gonna go shower off
this afterbirth...

so I can pack and
get out of this hellhole.

- Okay.
- [SIGHS]

Oh, Mom, I do have a quick question...

- uh, that I just need to know.
- Yeah?

Did you, uh, have sex
with Beau Bowman, or...?

Don't ask ridiculous questions.

I was just, you know...

[GATE CLOSES]

I would have liked
a more definitive "no."

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

PILOT: Apologies, folks.

We're just waiting for
one last passenger.

Ugh. You got to be kidding me.

- Beau?
- Ah.

- What are you doing here?
- [SIGHS]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I couldn't let you leave
without telling you how I feel.

Donna Levine, you make me shiver
from my nips to my nuggets.

I love you.

Are you crazy?

I feel the same exact way.

♪♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Beau-Donna sex dream?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I had one, too.

- Oh, my word.
- Come here.

- Okay.
- Maybe we should keep each other awake.

I may never truly sleep again.