Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Six Out of Six - full transcript

Yeah.
Portia's not feeding her piglets.

What we have here
is a touch of mastitis,

which is making her udder tender,

and it's making her cranky,

so we need to keep her separated
from the little piglets.

I'm gonna give her some meds,
but she is not gonna want

to nurse for a couple of days.

Hey, we had planned on
going away this weekend.

Should we cancel that?

We were just gonna go to
the Red Lion Inn in Omaha.

No, you should definitely
take that trip. Come on.



You guys have earned it.

- I was looking forward to that, yeah.
- I know! I was like...

Uh, but say goodbye to
the piglets before you leave

because they'll be
dead when you get back.

- What?!
- Tough decision.

I've heard the Red Lion has
a stellar business center.

Yeah.

Here it is! Pig milk,

right by the light bulbs...
Makes total sense.

- Ah. Oh, "Pig Milk."
- Look how simple.

- Clear and concise packaging.
- Yeah.

Well, you gotta let the pig milk
sell itself, you know?

- It's kind of refreshing.
- What do we think?

One bucket? We gotta feed
them every two hours.



Let me do the math.
Uh... yeah, yeah. That'll be plenty.

- Got it.
- Uh-huh. All we got to do

is keep these little
rascals fed and warm.

Yeah.
And we're gonna be

looking at six healthy piggies
tomorrow morning.

- Six out of six.
- Six out of six. Up high.

Right here. I think this will be good.

W-What's going on here?
You guys setting up for something?

No, we're just, uh,

going about our usual b...
daily business.

Oh, yeah, looks like you guys
are setting up for a party.

No, no, no. Nothing like that. Mnh-mnh.

Party time!

Let's get cruuuunk...

I thought you guys were
out of town at a hotel.

Is that a margarita machine or...?

Beau, what... are you
having a party or something?

That's so surprising.

'Cause that's the first that I'm
even hearing about it right now.

The jig is up.
We're having a Euchre tournament.

We have one every year
after the Harvest,

and I would've invited you,
but we take it pretty seriously

- and we thought you would stink.
- What is a Euchre?

It's a card game
you play with a partner.

But this year,
Rudy and I are gonna dominate.

No, no, no, no. Kent and I always win.

Yeah, 'cause you cheat.

You're on acid.

- Excuse me?
- We don't! No, we don't.

We just ain't caught you yet.

I am a doctor of veterinary medicine.

I don't think I would cheat at Euchre.

Got a PhD in dirty palms.

- That's all I'm saying.
- Okay... Sweetie.

- Well, this seems like a friendly game.
- It seems nice.

Yeah, don't think I didn't notice

you're wearing your Friday jeans.

And... I smell that perfume.

- I got it.
- It's an all-in-one

scented body lotion
and insect repellent.

Rolling out the red carpet
for this, uh...

what are we calling this guy?

He's my date.

He's a long-haul trucker.
His name is Joe,

but he prefers Swamp Fox.
It's his handle.

This Swamp Fox...
does he know you're married?

- Well, he knows we're separated.
- Married.

- No, separated.
- Well.

- Separated.
- Still married.

- Technically. Separated.
- Okay.

- Alright.
- He wants to meet up

at some coordinates on his route.

I'm looking forward to it.
I'm not at all nervous.

Not a... Not even a tiny, little bit.

I have a date, too. Yeah.

You're probably jealous about that one.

You didn't know it, did you?

Not jealous at all. Who is she?

You don't know her.

Hmm.

Oh, I can make circus noises, too.

- I got it! I got it! I got it!
- I got this! I got this! I...

Hey, how's your piglets?

- How many have died so far?
- Died?

- None.
- Are you kidding me?

You guys, listen, don't worry.

If you've taken care of a baby,

you can certainly take care of a pig.

Kent, shh, shh, no, no, no, no.
They can't have kids.

What do you mean we can't have kids?

Oh, my God. My apologies. I-I...

To be honest, I thought you had kids.

I heard that Mike was shooting blanks.

- What?!
- Oh! Is that... Is that what you heard?

- Wow.
- No. No. I'm not shooting blanks.

I'm shooting armor-piercing bullets.

Yes, and I am filled with eggs.

I can't even tell you how
many eggs are down here.

It's just like a can of beluga.

Well, if you... if you didn't have kids,

- then what'd you do in your 20s?
- God, my 20s?

I worked at the Virgin Megastore
at some point.

I sort of accidentally
auditioned for "The Real World."

Strange. I had a tryst with, um...

one of the Bush twins.

- Ooh!
- Yeah. I never even told you

- about that, actually, yeah.
- Exciting. Yeah.

And then I wore a lot of,
like, low-rise jeans.

With a thong?

- Mm.
- Yes. I had, uh,

quite a little whale-tail in the...

In the... in the back seat.

Well, I tried one of them once,
and that didn't work for me, but...

- ... some people like them.
- You were wearing low-rise, too, right?

I was wearing a low-rise pant.

- It was a trend.
- Uh, but it...

but I wore a boxer underneath.
No... No floss.

Well, okay, far be it
from me to tell somebody

- how to live their lives.
- Yes. Thank you.

But you're doing it
completely wrong because

that's what you're
supposed to do in your 40s.

Exactly. You have kids young

because you're too stupid
to know you're screwing up.

Oh, hey. We talking kids?

Yeah, when are you two
gonna start popping 'em out?

- Very personal question.
- Mike is shooting blanks.

That's the second time I've heard that.

But, I mean, have you talked about kids?

- Sure, sure, sure. Not in a...
- Oh, yeah, we've had a lot of...

- conversations, but, yeah, I think...
- So, what are you guys waiting on?

I think what we're waiting for...

- Is...
- ... is, um...

- We're... I think...
- Well, I don't even know

anymore what we're waiting for.

I mean, we certainly have the space,
and we have the time now.

I think we both have accrued some wisdom

that I'd love to bestow

onto a-a little, adorable vessel

and help guide it
through the maze of life.

I don't know. I... You're right.

I don't know why we're waiting,
and it's ridiculous!

I think we sh... we should have a kid.

We should have a baby.

We're gonna have a baby.

- Oh!
- What?

- We're gonna have a baby.
- Oh, good.

- A little, tiny...
- Yeah.

- Nope.
- Nope. Um...

- Sidebar in the car.
- Sidebar in the car.

Okay. It takes a village.

- Bagged up. Thank you.
- Congratulations. Go get her!

- Congratulations!-
- ... need a babysitter, let me know.

- Okay, thanks.
- Good for them.

Honey, I-I-I just... I really,
really need to apologize again

for deciding in front of the whole town

that we should have a kid together.

Yeah, I appreciate that,
'cause it just kind of felt like,

you know, when we went
to that baseball game

and there was that
boyfriend who proposed

to his girlfriend up on the jumbotron
and then she said no,

and then the whole crowd just,
like, booed her, and...

And they started
throwing hot dogs at her,

and she picked one up,
threw it at that kid.

He got mustard in his eye and then
it was like "#MustardBoy."

Remember?
It was kind of like that for me.

It was just like that, and, uh,
I see the similarity...

and in my defense,

I found a pros and cons list

we made about having a
kid back in New York.

Okay. Well, I love a pros and cons list.

Yeah, you love them, a-and I have
come to see the value of them.

So, the cons were "small apartment,

garbage smell, baby-stealing rats,

baby-stealing pigeons,
baby growing up in New York,

constantly telling people
'I grew up in New York, '

private schools, public schools,

the subway smell, the cab smell,

might leave the baby in a cab."

And, you know...

... all that's changed.

Okay. Look. I...

I love the idea of having a kid.

I do. It's just...

it scares me so bad.

I think about, you know, my parents

and what it did to them
and their marriage.

Well, honey, you... you can't
possibly blame yourself

for your parents' divorce.

Well, I mean, my mom's exact words were,

"I can see how you would
think this is your fault"...

But i-it's n-not.

- No, there was... There's no "but."
- Th... No "but." Okay.

- She went to get her roots done.
- Okay.

Look, I love her,
but not a great parenting moment.

It's not about that.
I am an evolved woman.

I meditate 30 minutes every...
every month.

Even if it was about your family,

that would be totally fine.

I mean, one of the reasons
I'm excited to have kids

is because of my family.

Your family's, like, perfect.

It's like you can't even talk
about them without smiling.

- No. That's not true.
- You j...

My family is, you know, they're...

I'm doing it.

Um... I just like them. I like them.

Why is it that, in every family photo,
you guys are all wearing,

- like, bright white?
- Some of the neighbors, uh,

thought we were in a cult.

- But we weren't.
- Oh.

- I'll tell you what. How about this?
- What? What?

What if we make
a new pros and cons list?

I like that. I could get behind that.

Okay, good.

Nice doing business with you.

Oh, glad to have you
here, Swamp Fox.

Trucking company says I
have to have 12 hours off

for every 24 I drive.

That, no drinking, no
drugs, no hitchhikers.

Took all the fun out of my job.

Yeah, I hear you. We had to stop using

the good pesticide on our corn.

Oh, if you got some
pesticide, I got a rag,

- if you know what I'm saying.
- I don't.

Wait, so, you've been driving
24 hours straight?

Oh, there were some curves in there.

Oh!

- That was a truck driver joke.
- I see.

Here's a farmer joke...
You have tomatoes for brains.

Wait, is Clara your date?

I thought you said I didn't know her?

I don't know who you know and
who you don't know in this town.

- She's Jacob's godmother.
- I had no choice, Kay.

He promised to walk my cats.

All seven at one time,
and I can't even do that.

Are you okay?
You're breathing very heavy.

The battle of the wits... I won.

- We should sit... We should sit down.
- I won the battle of the wits.

Dear Blessed Lord,
please give us the strength

- to win this tournament.
- And dear God,

Cousin Marge's cancer is back.
If you would just...

No, don't...
don't bug him with that stuff.

Alright, let's get this party started!

I don't mean to be cocky,
but Constance and I

are gonna be victoriousin
a dominating fashion.

- Yeah, we'll see about that.
- Alright, let's do this.

New list. Here we go.

- Con...
- Yeah.

We'd have to get up
very early every day.

Pro... we're already waking
up early 'cause of the farm.

Con... we still haven't found
the nest of snakes in our house.

- Mm-hmm.
- And that is worrisome.

Pro... uh, we'll have nine
months to locate the nest.

Yeah, regardless,
I feel like that should just be on...

like, a separate to-do list

- or something.
- We should do a to-do list.

- Yeah, I'll do that after.
- Okay.

- Pro... baby smell. Hello!
- Oh, what a smell.

- Isn't that fantastic?
- Mm.

- Con... poop.
- Okay.

- If we're in a groove...
- Sure.

... family band is on the table.

Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, let's write that.

- "Family band."
- Won't that be fun?

Oh. Con... health insurance.

We don't have health
insurance or savings.

- Yeah, who does?
- Yeah, true.

Pro... if our kid is really
talented and gets rich,

- but then goes crazy...
- Oh.

- ... we can take all their money.
- Is that a pro or a con?

- Oh, a pro. A pro. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, okay. Okay. "Crazy money."

- Give it to me, baby.
- Okay.

Sweetheart, it's your turn
to order up the trump suit.

And don't forget that the Clarkes

are bringing in their dog Monday

to have it spayed.

Right. I... totally forgot.

Uh... I guess I'll pick...

- ... spades.
- Okay.

What a bunch of bean dip.
You're cheating.

- Whoa.
- Joe, it's your turn.

Joe!

Oh, God. Joe,
you're not on the road anymore.

Swamp Fox, come in!

Go for Swamp Fox!

Sorry about that.

Did I lose time?

- Rudy, do you smell something?
- I do.

I think somebody's toast.

A J-bird. Boom-shaka-laka-laka.

Ba-bah!

I don't have a sense of smell.

Clara, Euchre is a team sport.

We... We need to communicate.

Okay. So, I have an ace of hearts
and a 10 of spades...

No, no, you don't say it out loud.

You... You say it with your eyes.

God, Beau Bowman, you want me so bad.

I might just let you have me.

- Yeah.
- I need a napkin.

Oh, God!

You know what? Here's a con...

Just, like, the state of the world,
you know what I mean?

Global warming,
the erosion of democracy,

that trash island...

- Pro... we both love the name Bastian.
- Yeah, that's true.

And I've never met anyone
who even like sthat name.

It's because it's the best name.
Everyone else is crazy.

Mm-hmm.

And...

Good.

Pro... look how cute
their little butts look

- wiggling around.
- Mm!

I know.

Okay, con...
but this is, like, a real con...

What if having a baby

pulls us apart?

I mean, that has nothing
to do with my parents.

- I'm just saying, it...
- Mm-hmm.

... hypothetically... speaking.

But pro...

What if it pushes us closer together?

- Okay. Alright.
- Mm-hmm.

- Con...
- Mm-hmm.

Dig deep.

Con... con, con...

Trying to think of it, but,
look, they're so cute!

- Okay, pro...
- Okay.

I would love to see
what kind of little weirdo

we would cook up.

I would... I would love...

to see what kind of weirdo
we would cook up, too.

Yeah?

Of course.

I'm pro-weirdo.

Well, it looks like it's you two

against us for the final game.

- We gonna kick your butt!
- You're wood,

and Constance and I are a wood chipper.

We're gonna shred you piece by piece...

so that you can only be used as mulch

or perhaps a decorative walkway.

Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Sit down.

- Oh. Come on, now.
- We know.

It's time to feed the piglets again.

Oh. Honey, this is empty... The bucket.

Did you not get another
bucket of formula?

No, no, I just bought the one.
I-I did the math.

Yeah, but it's weird
'cause they need to eat right now

- and this is empty, so...
- Well...

- Okay.
- What kind of math did you...

- Yeah, it's still empty.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. So...
- Um... a-alright, don't panic.

- I'm not panicking, I'm just saying.
- I'll run to the store...

and grab another one. And you stay
here with the piggies.

Alone? Wait. Why do you
get to run to the store

and I stay with the piggies?

Just off the top of my head...

- You don't have a license.
- Okay, that's fair.

Alright, yeah, you just go.
That makes more sense.

Alright. Are... Are you... Are you okay?

- Yeah, of course. I'm good.
- Okay.

- Yeah, we got a strong bond.
- Okay.

- I'll... I'll keep them entertained.
- Great.

I got this.

Alright.

_

Okay... Okay.

Why did you leave me alone?!

I can't do this!

Did someone break in?

No, I went to pee,

and I came back,
and the thing went boom.

We got to all get in the car

and go together...
don't leave me alone again.

- We put them in the basket...
- Whoa, hold on.

Do you see what they did to the house?

I don't think we should
put them in the car.

We'll just put them in the car!
We'll all go!

How'd they take the phone off the hook?

So, where's your partner?

Um, taking a sink shower
in Connie's bathroom.

Clara's trying to break
into the Kotex machine.

What do you mean? I have pads.

She's very private.

I'll bet you miss
your old partner, though.

- Dream... team.
- Okay.

We were never a team.

You went solo on every hand.

I just drank beer and checked
celebrity gossip on my phone.

We won every now and again.

You won, but Euchre
is about playing together.

You only cared about what you had,

not the cards that were in my hand.

You never even looked at me.

I was always looking at you.

I have incredible peripheral vision.

I... I'm looking into
your eyes right now.

No, I'm not blaming you.
I'm just saying, you know,

when you said,"Oh, I've done the math.

Yeah, we have enough formula,"

and then we didn't have enough formula,

I'm kind of like, "Eh... Ah... Ah..."

I mean, it does sound like
you're blaming me a little bit.

I'm... I'm not.
That's just my voice and my face

and the expression that my face
is making, but it's not how I feel.

- I am not blaming you.
- Well, you shouldn't.

But I was gone for three seconds!

- What happened in there?!
- I... You... I...

Now we're on a road trip with six pigs.

No. You know what? Stop.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

This is the only con

that we should be paying attention to.

This is the con.

We forget how much formula to get,
and then all of a sudden,

we're turned against each other?
This is about my parents.

I'll admit that, okay?

- It's a little bit about my parents.
- Thank you.

- It's super about my parents.
- Thank you.

- Who am I kidding?
- You're... You're right. You're right.

- We are stronger than this. We are b...
- Yeah.

- What the... Did you just lock it?
- I don't have the keys.

- They stepped on the keys!
- Did they just lock it?!

Okay. Hold on. Hold on, hon.
Hon, don't unravel.

If they stepped on it once,
they'll step on it again.

- Okay?
- Wha!

No!

They just locked it again!
They doubled down!

- Laugh it up, piggies!
- So funny!

Hi, piggies. Little...
Hey, you stay warm.

- Boy, maybe I can get them to walk...
- Baby, go get spare key.

- What?
- Go get the spare key.

- That is the spare key.
- No, that's not it.

- Yes, that's it.
- Inside?! Why's the spare key...

I would've... I-If it wasn't,
I would've gotten it...

I know, I know. Just fine.
Let me just think about it.

- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
- Let me think about it.

We're fine. We're good. We're good.

As a couple, we're good.
I just need to break the glass.

- Yes. Let's...
- Break the glass is something we do

after we've tried another
thing that didn't work, okay?

Honey, please, please
don't try to break the...

Oh, my God! Mike! Honey, are you okay?!

Please say something!
Please say something!

- It's okay, baby. It didn't even hurt.
- You... You sure?

- 'Cause I see a little bit of blood.
- Yeah, how's it... how's it look?

Oh, that's a lot of blood. Oh, God.

It's not bad, though. Not bad. Not bad.

Yeah, here it is. Here's the pain.

Oh, my God! Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay.

- Does it hurt now?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna get you help. Okay?

Th-That's locked. That's locked.

- Oh, that's right. Locked. Dang it.
- That's why we're here.

Hon, hon, take your bike.
Your bike, your bike.

I'm gonna take my bike.
I'm gonna take my bike.

Okay.

- Okay, okay. Ohh!
- I'll take that little round.

Yes!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Bring us home, Kent. Bring us home.

Help. Kent.

Rio, you weren't invited.

- Yeah, Rio, playing Euchre.
- Oh. Kent, please, please.

- What you got?
- Oh, you Sneaky Pete!

Oh, no!

There's a flimflammer in our midst!

Okay, well, I have no idea
how that happened.

This is causing me to question
everything I know about you.

Is your name even Kent?
Do you even like margaritas?

Kent's a cheater! Just him!

Ban him for life!

Seriously, the pigs
are locked in the car,

and I smashed Mike in the face!

- Let's go!
- No, no, no. You don't need

a veterinarian who cheats at cards.

- You need me, Beau, and a toolbox.
- Good. That's great.

- Let's do that. Rock 'n' roll.
- You coming?

- Yep. Bye, Clara.
- Bye, Joe.

I'm heading to a packing
plant in Lubbock, Texas.

You want in?

Honk... honk.

- Can my cats come?
- No.

Alright, good news.
The bleeding stopped.

I accidentally hit Mike
with one of those long...

What's the long stick with the metal
thing at the end? The sharp?

- A hoe?
- I h... I hoed him in the face.

So, um... So, when are you
gonna start having kids?

Kay, did you hear what I just said?

I locked my little
baby piglets in my car,

and I forgot to buy enough
formula for them to live,

and I hoed my husband in the face.

I don't think that I'm fit to have kids.

That's nothing.

We set Jacob on fire
at his first birthday.

What?

It was just his bib, really,

and then we got all
those cute pictures of him

- covered in fire extinguisher foam.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- That seems, like,

- pretty bad.
- Oh, it was,

and we had to talk to people
from several organizations.

Yeah, had a home visit, case study...
he's got a file.

Having children obviously
hurt your marriage, right?

Of course it did.

Things were much better
off before Jacob came.

We, uh, cared for each other,

had more money,
looked a lot better, too.

We used to think we were tired.

We used to take naps
just for the hell of it.

Beau used to make love to my body
like I was a glass of water

and he was thirsty,
fresh from the desert.

Fog up the shower and then
write nasty things on the wall.

Whatever we could find on
the YouTubes, we'd re-create it.

- We shouldn't go into... Right.
- Details. Sure.

Yeah, it changes you life and
your marriage for the worse,

but then it changes them for the better,

and then for the worse again,
and then for the better.

Better and worse and better
and worse, and on like that

- until everyone dies.
- Oh.

Then there's Jacob.

There ain't nothing better than Jacob.

Yeah.

Don't overthink it.

Doesn't make sense... doesn't need to.

- I know what I want to do. Beau...
- Yes, ma'am?

- Thank you.
- A knife?

- Oop.
- Okay.

- Where was that?
- There we go.

- And then you just...
- Uh-huh.

- Okay, and then...
- Mm-hmm.

- And can you... Uh-huh.
- Yep.

- Oh, yeah. Right there, Daddy.
- Yeah. Okay.

Okay, and now bring her on home!

- Whoo!
- Okay.

- Really? Oh.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Oh. Here we go.
- Oh, my goodness. Hi, baby.

- Oh...
- Okay, we got him. We got him.

Okay, okay, okay, 'kay-'kay. Alrighty.

Hey. Oh, look at this little guy.

Okay, you take that one inside.

- We'll get the rest.
- Little butter face.

Huh?

- Yeah, me, too.
- Mm.

Hey.

Hon, I'm sorry I couldn't
help you feed them.

Don't worry about it.

- I bet it helps. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Okay, that looks...

- Looks better.
- Yeah?

Feels better.

- Does it?
- Yeah.

Okay.

I just want to say, you know...

thank you for...

you know, making this list with me.

Yeah, of course.

You know, we can talk more about it.

I want to try.

Yeah?

I do.

No, no, don't move.

Okay. What made you change your mind?

I just don't think

it's a decision I can make with my mind.

I'm scared.

I'm scared, too.

Do... Do we...
Do we need to start right now?

Let's just...

- Let's just cuddle.
- Okay.

I want to be, like,
old parents, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to be like Clint Eastwood

with a brand-new baby.

Yeah.

You know, when I take
the baby to the grocery store

and ask where the diapers are,
I want the person to say,

"For which one of you?"

Alright. Mm, smokin' hot.

Set it on fire, baby.

Take one.

I got a pretty good hand.

I think I can do this on my own.

Pass.

Okay, Kay has one card left.

If it's the Jack of Hearts,
she and Beau win.

Who are you talking to, honey?

Oh, my God.

You have the Jack of Hearts.

No, no...

Looks like your wood chipper's
all jammed up, Rudy!

I won!

I paid attention to my wife, and I won!

Whoo!

Suck on that!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, this could be it.

I could spin completely out of control.

No, I've got a handle on it. We're good.