Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Scare Night - full transcript

Someone's up early making breakfast.

To what do I owe the honor, my love?

Well, your beauty...

Ow! Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh!
I just got hot grease in my eye!

- Let me see it.
- I think I burned my cornea!

Let me see.

Happy Halloween, honey!

Oh, my God. You should go lookin
the mirror and see your face.

I don't need to see it.
I'm getting to feel it.

I wanted to give you a little taste



of what's on tap
tonight for Scare Night.

What's, uh... Are you okay?

Man, that was a good scare.

Oh, well, honey, don't...
Don't you worry.

I have so much more in
store for you tonight.

- O... kay.
- This is just a little taste.

I'm gonna give you
the platinum package, babe.

I see you.

- Ew.
- I know what you like.

How did you marry this guy?

- I don't know.
- Oh, it's enormous!

Oh, man, we're gonna have fun.

- I love you... Ewww!
- Oh, okay.

Mm... no tongue.



- No? Okay.
- Don't overplay it. No.

Ooh. We got a customer. Lid me.

Hi. Do you have any bubble bath?
I'm feeling very stressed.

Well, hello to you, too, Rio.

- Hi.
- The bath stuff's over here,

- so what's up?
- Oh, good.

On Halloween,
Mike and I have this tradition

that we always, like...

you know, we stay in,
we cook a nice meal,

and we pop open a bottle of wine...

Ooh, that sounds nice.

... and then Mike booby-traps
the whole apartment

and scares me all night long,

and I have to pretend to like it.

That sounds horrible.

The thing is that in New York,
he had limitations,

you know what I mean? It's, like,

there's only so many scares
you can squeeze into

a 200-square-foot underground apartment.

Now, here,
his possibilities are endless,

you know what I'm saying?
We live in a haunted house, basically.

I sure hope Mike gets them
bats out your roof.

You know, don't give him any ideas.

Bats? Oh, my God, I hate Halloween,

and I hate scares!

Ooh, I love free samples.

Aaah!

- Hoo-hoo!
- Ha-ha!

Oh, I'm sorry.

What is wrong with you?!

I'm glad you lifted that.
There was a fly under there.

Also, we should not
be using real cheese.

Rio, i-if you hate being
scared by Mike so much,

why don't you just bring
him here to Main Street?

I mean, I throw down
a badass Halloween bash.

I can't bail on Scare Night.
I can't do it.

It's so important to Mike.

The first time we ever met
was at a Halloween party.

Like, our first conversation was about

how he loved to scareand
how I loved being scared

and, like, how we're soyin
and yang as a couple, and...

So, your entire relationship
is built on a lie?

No, it just started with one
and is maintained with one,

but otherwise, that's it.

Just talk to him.

Pull the plug on Scare Night.

Just tell him it's enough.

Beau, I just got a, uh, suspicious...

- Beau!
- Aah! Oh!

Hey. Just got a package
from The Hair Fairy.

It's addressed to a Mr. John Bronco.

- Huh? Who?
- Do you know anything about that?

Gimme that.

Gonna have to return this to Mr. Bronco.

- It's obviously a mistake.
- Yeah. Sure. Simple mistake.

- Honest mistake.
- Yep.

Hey, uh, what...
What were you watching there?

"Outlander."

Just because it's Kay's
favorite show, so...

Well, that's kind of sweet.

I'm not embarrassed that you caught me

watching a Scottish fantasy
costume love show.

It's based on a book, so it's classy.

- Mm-hmm.
- I mean,

they do show a lot of dude butt.

They also show just enough nip
to keep the fellas invested.

Trying to win Kay back,

so I guess you could say
I'm courting my wife.

Does she know that?

That's not how courtship
works, smart guy.

Courting is like a fog,

rolling down from the craggy hills.

You don't even know you're breathing it

until all of a sudden,
you're in love with it.

You know, I'm gonna check
this "Outlander" show out

because it's added a level
of poetry to your anger

that's pretty nice.

Stay away from the barn tonight,
you two. I'm expecting company.

Uh, a romantic evening with Connie?

No way. She's got a party,

and I need to be here with
the bad teens of Bucksnort.

The bad teens of Bucksnort?

Yeah, every Halloween, they TP the barn,

just let me have it.

In one night,
I get enough bathroom tissue

to last an entire year.

Really pads my bottom line.

Well, as great of a
life hack as that is,

you are welcome to use our toilet paper.

I'm not a mooch, Mike.
Just stay away from the barn.

The kids'll hightail it if
they get one whiff of danger.

I can't go back to twigs and leaves.
I got a girlfriend now.

Got to keep my Rudy
booty fresh and fruity.

Okay, just... you just talk
to him and... be honest.

That's all you do. Pretty simple.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Welcome to the chicken coop.
- Hi.

Oh, hi. Look at that!

This is beautiful!

You know, I get so distracted

by the Scare Night part

- of Halloween that...
- Yes.

... sometimes I forget
it's our anniversary!

- Yeah.
- First night we met.

It is our... I remember.

Megan and Josh's big Halloween bash.

Four years ago today.

So, I do want to talk to you
about that, you know?

Um... do... So, do you remember
the look on my face

- when you jumped out of that closet?
- Yaaah! Yeah.

And you were just screaming
at the top of your lungs,

and you were inches from my nose.

- How I was...
- Hon, I will never forget it.

The look on your face...
I just felt like,

"Oh, my gosh. This is serendipitous,"

- because... you love being scared.
- Yeah.

I could see the joy in your eyes.

And I love to scare people.
What are the odds?

- Yeah, well, low.
- Yeah.

- Um, almost like non-existent, so...
- And... and...

And for that to just become

a part of our love story is
so beautiful to me.

I love our tradition.

It's... It's our thang.

Yeah.

What's the matter?
Is it that I said "thang"?

I shouldn't have said "thang."
I gotta retire that.

What I'm trying to say...

... is...

I feel like we...

... should...

do the best Scare Night of all time!

Wow. That was a weird tee-up.

- Ah. Sorry. Yeah, I just...
- You had me... Oh!

- Mmmmmmmmm!
- Mmmm!

We're so in-sync.

I did put a spider inside those flowers.

What? Aah! There's a spider!

I like that! I like it!

- So, did you tell him?
- Not even close.

I knew I was gonna break his heart,
and I was like,

"Not gonna do it. Not this girl."

There's a new plan.

I'm gonna scare him so bad,

he's never gonna want
to do Scare Night again.

Uh. Mm.

So, you're gonna chase him
around in a hockey mask?

- What do you mean?
- You're gonna...

show him a tombstone
with his name on it?

I don't have time for that weak sauce.

I'm gonna exploit his greatest fears

and then turn them against him.

How you gonna do that?

Please.

I'm a therapist.

Touché.

I'm 17.

I don't want to trick-or-treat
with you and Dad anymore.

Jacob! Well, bring your cape in
case you change your mind.

- Mom!
- I can't believe this.

Jacob, you are wearing this
cape whether you like it or not.

- Don't...
- Okay? The temperature's going down.

Hey! Stop honking!

- We know you're there!
- It was an accident, Kay!

It's "Mrs. Bowman" to you, okay?

And you got a heavy hand, girl.

Can I leave, please?

Yeah, you can now.

- Just one last thing.
- Ah... Mom. Mom, do we...

So cute.

I don't like her.

The... The door's locked.

Yeah, 'cause you're wearing a cape.

Please, I can't take
it off in front of Mom.

Only babies wear capes. Are you a baby?

If I'm a baby, how come this?

- That's really cool.
- Thank you.

Stay safe. She's a wild one.

Cheese and rice, have mercy.

Wish you would have told me

we weren't trick-or-treating with Jacob

before I watched multiple
seasons of "Outlander"

and rummaged through Rio's wardrobe.

What'd you think of the show?

Highly compelling.

Jamie's my kinda guy.

He's strong, sensitive, good listener,

very low body fat.

- That's right.
- I like your costume.

Are you a... you a devil person?

A big, horny sheep.

Oh, God. Horn.

A big hor... horn... horn s...

A bighorn... horn sheep. Obviously.

I suppose you think you look like Jamie?

Oh, yeah. He's the best.
He's your favorite, right?

Yeah.

Everything okay?

You know what?
You don't look anything like Jamie.

Not one bit.

You're embarrassing yourself.

And it's better it comes from
me than from someone else.

Now, will you stand over there?
I just want to get a quick pic.

- Here?
- Yeah, turn around.

Okay, and look off into the moors.

Yeah. Flex your jaw.

These are so you remember
not to dress like this.

You understand that, right?

Now, spin around so
your hair gets a little lift,

and then clench your buttocks.

- What?
- Clench your butt!

- Okay.
- Beau.

- I'm gonna go home.
- Oh, wait.

I'm... D... Are you going
to, uh, Connie's party?

What? So everyone can laugh at me
and tell me how dumb I look?

Someone might like it. You don't know.

I think you should wear it to the party.

You should wear it. Wear it.

Good night, Kay. I'm going home.

Burst.

Do the burst. How do you do
a burst function on here?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Alright.

I can't believe we've never thought

to have you scare me before.

You've got a real feel
for this, don't you?

And that's coming from the master
of scare-a-monies himself.

That's me.

Not for long.

After what you're about to experience,

you may never want to
do Scare Night again.

Wow.

I love the confidence.

It's bordering on cockiness.

Oh. Multimedia.

Ooh! Creepy music.

An immersive experience.

I'm impressed.

Whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

Don't you want to stay
and watch me wet my pants?

Oh, I will see you wet your pants,

but through Portia's piggy cam.

I'll be in the hallway, watching you.

Oh.

Alright. Sorry, babe.

This is for my own good.

Oh, my G...
Rio, you got to call me back.

I inherited a farm!

I-I know this is crazy,
but what do you say

we drop everything and
move to Nebraska and farm?

It'll be easy.

- Easy. Easy. Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Wow.

Sorry.

Easy, easy.

Easy.

Playing my insecurities like a fiddle.

Using my words against me.

It's a... It's a low blow.
It's a low blow.

But let's see what
else you got in store.

Rudy!

Let me in!

I need to talk to somebody,

- and you're the only person around.
- Oh. Hurry.

Get inside, or you'll
scare off the teens.

Man, this better be good.

It's about Kay.

Say no more.

Few know the female
mind as well as Rudy.

She told me I looked ridiculous,

but then she told me to go to the party.

I mean, she seemed
like she wanted me to go,

and she was wearing a costume, so I...

Mixed messages. Classic.

Women talk a lot. It's very confusing.

I always just listen to
the last thing they said.

I don't know why I got divorced,
but I know that I am,

because the last thing
Theresa said to me

leaving the lawyer's office was,

"That's that. We're divorced."

The last thing Kay said to me was

go to the party and clench my butt.

My advice to you is go
to that party and clench that butt.

Now, come on. I got teen vandals coming.

Thank you for
your minimum payment.

At the current rate,
your student loan debt

will be paid off by August 31st, 2042.

- Main menu...
- Okay. I-I-I-I

don't know why
my student loan debt is up.

Loan debt is a...
Is a national emergency.

I don't... I don't know
why you're singling me out.

Rudy?

Beau?

Who's there?

Hello?

Whoever that is, you do
not want to be in this house.

Mike's booby-trapped everything.

You're not real.

Seriously, it's not
cool, whoever's here.

I hear you.

Why is there so many
pictures of your mom, hon?

Why's Donna on the screen, hon?

No, I d... Mnh-mnh.

You look just like me, Rio.
It's uncanny.

But if I was you,
I would marry Ethan Frankel.

I have Ethan's phone number.

He still asks about you.

- He's kind, making money...
- Oh! Honey. Honey, honey, honey.

I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

I don't like this, hon.
I-I-I can't unsee this.

This guy's the real deal,
got a brain like...

Rio, Rio! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Let me out of here, okay?!

Just open the... Open the door, hon.

Hon, open the door!

Stop. Stop saying that. Okay.

His mother says he's in
the best shape of his life.

- What are you still doing with Mike?
- Stop, stop, stop!

- Mike? Mike? Mike?
- Okay. No, no!

- Mike? Mike? Mike?
- Stop saying my name!

- Mike? Mike? Mike? Mike?
- No, no, no, no. Okay, okay, okay.

Mike? Mike?

Mike? Mike? Mike?

Okay. Okay.

Aah!

Aah! Hoo!

What the...

A wet woman ghost!

Get that out of my face!
Get that out of my face!

- Okay!
- Why is your whole house

- booby-trapped?!
- Why are you wearing sheets?!

Well, that's none of your business!

Okay, fine.
I'm here to have a booty call,

and Beau isn't even here.

Wow. Okay.
Oh, you getting back together?

Lord, no. I just wanted
some doggone booty!

- Okay.
- Don't judge me!

I'm a woman in my prime!

Alright, fine. Stop yelling at me.

Mike! It's Mike!

I-I taped him to a chair!

- Help!
- Honey?

There's a bat on my neck!

- Is it real?
- Yes, it's real!

- Why wouldn't you believe me?!
- For obvious reasons!

- Hang on. What do I...
- Mike? Mike? Mike?

What are you gonna do?

Sorry. That was for the bat.
Oh, God. He's angry.

- Ah, it's angry!
- Oh! Do something!

What do we do?!

Get outta here, you dumb bat!

And don't come back!

Oh, my God.

Oh, Kay. Kay.

Mike? Mike?

Why are you gawking?

You never seen a lady in a sheet
catch a bat bare-handed?

- Okay, the pain is really amping up.
- Is it?

Yeah, and it's kinda
radiating out into my armpits.

What's your saliva situation right now?

- It's excessive.
- Okay.

But I haven't eaten dinner.
I don't... Is that part of it?

So, what does
the Internet say about that?

Um, the Internet consensusis
really just, like,

it's probably fine.

Um, or you could die a painful death.

W-Wait, those are the options?

Yeah, it's quite polarizing.

Um, is this normal? Does that look...

Oh, God! No! That's rabies.
Rabies will kill you dead.

Let's just go to the ER.
Let's go to the ER.

- No. Hey, Rio, that will take too long.
- Yes. We'll go to Lincoln.

Uh, Kay, I'd like to go to the ER.

Hey! Calm down, everybody!

We don't have time for this BS, okay?

Kent's got a vaccination in his kit.

I know it 'cause he's a veterinarian.
Let's go!

- We'll get there.
- Okay. O-O-Okay. Alright. Fine.

This is what we'll do. We'll...

Oh, God! It's in my mouth!

How do you live like this?!

Kay?

Kay?

Have you seen Kay?

- Oh, hey, Beau.
- Hi.

No, she's not here.

You look a little tight.

Look like you're holding a little...
tension in your ass.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Mrrrooow!

Happy Halloween, Beau.

Try some pumpkin ale, baby.

I'm good.

We're cats.

I get it.

Hey, guys?

What are we doing?

Um... we're TP'ing this barn.

What is wrong with you?

I thought you were some
dark rebel or whatever.

This is what seniors do.

How do you know if you're a senior
when you're homeschooled?

My dad says it's a feeling
you get in your heart.

- Oh.
- Come on!

You gotta roll this barn
if you wanna roll with me.

Well...

I know how you feel about
me disagreeing with you.

But I am not down for this.

- What?!
- Now, I know that

it is not cool to care about old people,

because they're always yelling at us

for doing cool stuff and being awesome,

but what if...

What if the most awesome
thing we could do...

is care?

Who's with me?

Come on, guys.

Let's leave this baby
and TP someone else.

If I'm a baby, how come this?

- Psst!
- How come...

Young Jacob.

What the heck is going on?!

Oh, Mr. Rudy, I'm so ashamed.

My friends almost TP'd your barn.

What's the hold-up?

Hit me with 100 rolls of the good stuff.

What do you got?
Single or double ply?

- Wha... Uh...
- Single or double ply?!

- What's a ply?!
- Find out and unspoolevery last square.

Go, go, go!

You want me to do this?

Show no mercy.

Everybody out. Let's go.

We came here to TP that barn,
and that's what we're gonna do.

You just told us not to do that.

Yeah.

I'm wild like that.

Young people are supposed
to mess with old people.

That's what makes us cooler than them.

So, what do you say
we unspool every square

on that old fart's barn?

God, you're nuts!

I'm so into you.

I'm gonna cover you with
my hair and get lost...

Shhh.

It'll have to wait.

Let's go.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

White gold!

Okay, thank you, Connie. Are you okay?

Here, take that off.

- Here, take my bag.
- Okay, you know,

the rabies vaccine used
to be pretty rough, baby.

I mean, it was 30 shots right
into the rum tum tummer.

Oh, that's terrible.

The new one is only four.

- Thank God. Yeah, that's better.
- You can get through that.

Well, I only got the old one, baby.

Stop saying "baby," Kent!

- I'm sorry, baby.
- Are you fit to administer medicine

- right now, Kent?
- Oh, he's fine. He's not driving.

Oh, yeah. Kent's fine.

Oh, yeah, he's good, he's good.
Yeah, no, no.

Liquor before beer,
and you're ready to go, right?

In the clear, and then...
And then shots and then beer

- and then ale, and you're...
- Oh, God.

- Ready to sail...
- ... ready to set sail.

And then ale and then wine, he's fine.

- Yeah. It's ale, then liquor,
- He's fine.

- then beer...
- Yeah.

... and then it's time for rabies shots.

I can't believe this is my best option.

Brandon, get over here.
I need a table, baby.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, this is like a m... A nightmare.

- Excuse me.
- It's getting weirder and weirder.

How you feeling? You with me?

You know this table isn't sterile?

Be honest with me...

Was it a mistake for me
to watch 55 hours of "Outlander"?

No.

Are you clenching your butt for me?

I am.

Harder.

I don't know if I... okay.

No, that's all I've got.

I'm so, so sorry.

- About what?
- I feel like this is all my fault.

You wouldn't be in this situation

if it wasn't for
my stupid video that I made...

- No, no, no, babe...
- ... that brought you out

- to that balcony and...
- Hon, all is fair in love, war

and Scare Night, okay?

But I'll just tell you something...

- I'm coming for you next year.
- Oh.

You better watch your back,

- 'cause I'm gonna put you in traction.
- I-I...

I... Mike, I don't...

I don't like Scare Night.

Wait. Are you serious?

I'm serious as a heart attack.
I hate it.

I hated it in New York,
and I hate it here.

I was like, "I hope it doesn't
follow us here," and it did.

And then I tried to, like, scare you

into hating it, too.

But that didn't work. I failed.

And then I failed by getting you rabies.

- I hope you don't die.
- Honey, honey, honey. W...

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

I didn't want to, like,
ruin our story, you know?

It's like how we met and...

Please forgive me.

- Please, please forgive me.
- Honey, I...

No, I-I-I can't forgive you,

'cause that's not our story.

- What do you mean?
- We met six months

before that Halloween party,

but you didn't remember me,

so I just went along with the story.

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

I thought you loved our story...

- I... Well...
- and I didn't want to break your heart.

I didn't want to break yourheart.

That's why I was holding
onto the Scare Night story.

Ooooooof!

- Why is that needle so big?
- Oh, God. You know what?

- Don't look at it, honey.
- Ken?

- It's for a cow.
- Hey, you might want to go

to a people doctor tomorrow.

Pull up your shirt, baby.
This one goes in the stomach.

- Really? Okay.
- Oh, boy.

♪ La la la la la ♪

- Look, it's done! You did it!
- Oh!

Oh, no. No, no, no.

There's still a dozen more shots.

- Wait...
- Okay. That's okay.

- I love you. I love our story.
- I lo... I love you.

Wait, what is our story?

Uh, well, it was...
It was a warehouse party.

At the end of the night,
we were waiting to get cabs.

- You stole my cab.
- What a jerk.

Well, it's... You looked
great getting into it.

- Oh, no! No! No, no, no!
- What?!

- Now you have rabies!
- What?!

It can be transmitted through saliva.

Now you're gonna need the shots.

- Oh, God, that's horrible.
- Oh, honey. I just gave you rabies.

If you're gonna get rabies,
this is the preferred way.

I-I wouldn't do that.

I would stop.

- Mmm. Mmm.Mmm.
- Delicious rabies.

You know what, honey?
I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm not gonna miss all of this
crap-ola around the house.

I found a finger in my cereal.

Not cool.

Now, th... this wa syour costume,

but I see it's now your daily wear?

Yeah. Kinda wonder
why I ever wore pants.

And what are we doing
with the undercarriage?

- Raw dog?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- I don't know that I need to know that.

Well, happy day after Halloween.

- Oh.
- It's gonna bea very good year.

Double ply, oh, my.

The nightmare continues.

Yes.